Stop Trying to “Win” An Argument With Your Partner! (THIS Shift Will Turn Conflict into Communication)

Summary

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Podcast Summary: On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Episode: Stop Trying to “Win” An Argument With Your Partner! (THIS Shift Will Turn Conflict into Communication)
Date: February 20, 2026
Host: Jay Shetty
Podcast: iHeartPodcasts

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Jay Shetty dives into practical relationship wisdom inspired by his new Audible Original “Messy Love: Difficult Conversations for Deeper Connection.” Drawing on direct work with real couples and years of research, Jay outlines five core principles that can transform conflict from a battle to be won into a pathway for deeper communication, connection, and healing. Through honest conversations, personal stories, and expert frameworks, listeners are taught not just to think differently about love—but to practice healthier, more respectful, and emotionally safe communication in their own relationships.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Main Theme: You Can’t “Win” Arguments—Shift to Connection Instead

• Relationships falter when partners engage in battles of blame, scorekeeping, and misunderstanding.
• Jay’s central message: "The goal in conflict isn’t to be right, but to be understood and to build a safer, more loving bond."
• Healthy love is built on respect, recognition, influence, and ongoing, intentional repair—not on keeping score or dominating conflict.

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2. Principle 1: The Triad of Influence, Respect, and Recognition

(14:10 – 17:40)

• Example: Jay discusses working with Amanda and Ryan, who struggle with feeling out of sync and unappreciated.
• Key Insight: Most arguments aren’t about chores or money, but the underlying need to feel seen and valued.
• Quote: “When we don’t feel seen or valued, we start to build resentment—not because we don’t care, but because we don’t feel safe to keep giving.” (Jay Shetty, 05:05)
• Respect is foundational: “Love without respect doesn’t feel like love. It feels like anxiety.” (Jay Shetty, 10:22)
• Recognition = feeling known and attended to; Influence = believing you matter and can affect decisions.
• Practical Exercise: Reflect and share with your partner moments you feel seen (and unseen); assess where and how respect, recognition, and influence are present or missing.

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3. Principle 2: The Trap of Scorekeeping

(18:45 – 26:55)

• Couples often fall into “I do more than you” mental ledgers, quietly tallying each other’s perceived contributions and slights.
• Scorekeeping can erode intimacy by turning love into a transaction instead of a connection.
• Key Insight: “Scorekeeping feels justified because most of the time it is…But the problem isn’t noticing imbalance. The problem is turning it into a silent ledger.” (Jay Shetty, 22:52)
• Groundbreaking research (e.g., John Gottman) shows the risk isn’t conflict itself, but missing bids for everyday connection.
• Practical Exercise: Identify areas where you feel over-giving or under-receiving and communicate about it openly, aiming to restore balance instead of keep silent tallies.

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4. Principle 3: Understanding and Owning Your Conflict Style

(26:55 – 36:24)

• Three main conflict styles: Venting (fix immediately), Hiding (withdraw), and Exploding (when needs go unheard).
• Jay works with Gladys and Justin to identify how automatic, inherited patterns escalate fights.
• Quote: “When we only communicate when it’s triggered, it’s no longer communication. It’s now a trigger.” (Jay Shetty, 28:54)
• The real secret isn’t avoiding fights, but mastering repair and understanding each other's fight style.
• Practical Exercise: Identify your conflict style. Reflect on why it developed, and discuss with your partner how to create space for repair—not just reaction.
• Quote: “Most relationships don’t fall apart because of big betrayals. They fall apart because of how two people fight— or don’t fight.” (Jay Shetty, 31:40)

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5. Principle 4: The XYZ Method—Communicating Needs Without Blame

(32:32 – 36:55)

• Introduced with couple Jeremy and Richard, who struggle with differing standards of cleanliness and communication.
• Framework:
  • When you X, I feel Y. How can we work together to get to Z?
  • E.g., “When you leave crumbs on the counter after I clean, I feel like you don’t value my work. How can we create a solution?”
• Key Insight: Most partners hear “You never/always” as indictments, which triggers defensiveness.
• Quote: “When you do X anchors us in observation, not interpretation… When you say I feel Y, it reminds us emotions are not weapons, they’re signals.” (Jay Shetty, 36:12)
• Reframes arguments as collaborative problem-solving instead of attacks.
• Practical Exercise: Use the XYZ method to express a frustration specifically, take responsibility for your feeling, and invite your partner to help brainstorm a solution.

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6. Principle 5: Building Trust Through the 30-Day Agreement

(39:49 – 43:13)

• Jay proposes a “rolling 30-day agreement” for couples to set short-term, specific commitments (frequency of contact, boundaries, activities)—minimizing overwhelm and maximizing accountability.
• Key Insight: Trust rebuilds not through dramatic apologies, but repeated, small actions over time.
• Quote: “The beauty of the 30-day contract isn’t in grand promises. It’s in small, consistent actions that rebuild trust slowly and intentionally. Trust isn’t restored through intensity, it’s restored through repetition.” (Jay Shetty, 43:15)
• The agreement should be written in both partners’ words and revisited together.
• Practical Exercise: Each partner writes and signs a simple 30-day contract covering pillars of the relationship, commitments, and boundaries. At the end, review and renew.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Respect as the Foundation:
  “Respect is how love stays safe. Recognition is how love stays seen. And influence is how love stays equal.” (Jay Shetty, 17:15)
• On Scorekeeping:
  “Scorekeeping turns connection into revenge…You don’t scream, you don’t leave, you just start caring a little less. Not because you don’t love them, because you’re protecting yourself from feeling foolish.” (Jay Shetty, 24:45)
• On Conflict Repair:
  “It’s not about whether you argue. It’s about whether you repair quickly. Do you soften after? Do you circle back? Do you say, ‘I didn’t mean it that way’? Or do you stay in ego?” (Jay Shetty, 31:20)
• On Communicating Feelings:
  “Most people think they’re communicating their feelings when they’re actually communicating their conclusions. And those are very different things.” (Jay Shetty, 36:58)
• On Temporary Agreements:
  “You’re not making a commitment for the next twelve months—it’s a 30-day agreement…This patient approach is healthier for both of you.” (Jay Shetty, 41:03)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Relationship Foundations—Respect, Recognition, Influence:
  05:05 – 14:10
• Scorekeeping Dynamics:
  18:45 – 26:55
• Understanding Conflict Styles / Repair:
  26:55 – 36:24
• The XYZ Communication Method:
  32:32 – 36:55
• 30-Day Agreement/Contract:
  39:49 – 43:13

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Practical Takeaways & Exercises

• Reflect with your partner about moments you feel (and don’t feel) respected, recognized, and influential.
• Share and rebalance unnoticed areas of over-giving or unmet needs (stop silent scorekeeping).
• Identify both of your default conflict or “fight” styles; discuss how to approach repair, not just reaction.
• Replace “You always/never” with the XYZ method for specific, accountable requests/support.
• Draft a short, clear 30-day agreement for mutual relationship goals—focus on repetition, not grand gestures.

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Episode Tone & Language

Jay maintains an empathetic, encouraging, and practical tone throughout—balancing research, real-life couples’ stories, and actionable wisdom. He’s measured, supportive, and direct about relationship challenges, always steering listeners toward honesty, repair, and small, daily growth steps.

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Conclusion

Jay Shetty’s episode offers a roadmap to shift relationships from adversarial “arguments” to collaborative “conversations.” His five principles and real-world examples make these insights accessible and actionable. Whether you’re facing day-to-day misunderstandings or deeper partnership rifts, these methods provide hope that, with intention and the right tools, conflict can be a doorway to deeper intimacy and mutual growth.

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Transcript

[Jay Shetty]

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[Therapist/Coach]

there

[Jay Shetty]

Navigating social media and tech with teens can feel tricky, but if you feel they're ready, there are tools to help. Instagram teen accounts come with automatic protections by default, things like content settings, contact limits, and daily time limits or sleep mode to help teens build healthy habits. Teens under 16 need a parent's permission to adjust these settings. Instagram keeps adding features to make experiences more age appropriate and supportive for families. Learn more about teen Accounts and Instagram's ongoing work to protect teens [e-mail] teenaccounts don't miss my new Audible Original Series, Messy Love Difficult Conversations for Deeper Connection Join me, Jay Shetty, as I guide three couples toward a deeper understanding of themselves and their relationships through these intimate sessions. I will share tools you can use too. Communicate with clarity and compassion. Break painful cycles of blame and withdrawal. Create emotional safety and rebuild trust. Turn daily moments into rituals of appreciation. It's time to dig deeper and grow together. Listen to my new Audible Original series, Messy Difficult Conversations for Deeper connection. Go to audible.com messylove to start listening today. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. Today, we're talking about Messy Love, Difficult Conversations for Deeper Connection we're living in a time where people are more connected than ever before, yet so many of us feel deeply disconnected in our relationships. We have access to endless information, constant communication, and more tools than ever to improve our lives. We set goals for our careers, our health, our routines, and our personal growth. But rarely do we pause to reflect on how we love and how we listen and how we show up for the people closest to us. Many of us were never taught what healthy love actually looks like. We weren't taught how to communicate when emotions run high, how to repair after conflict, or how to feel safe being honest without fear of loss. Instead, we carry patterns from our past into our present, hoping things will somehow work themselves out. And when relationships feel messy, confusing or painful, we often blame ourselves or the other person without realizing that most of what we're experiencing is learned behavior, not personal failure. Today, I want to share five powerful relationship lessons from my new Audible Original Messy Love Difficult Conversations for Deeper Connection My hope is that these are not just ideas for you to think about, but active practices you can bring in to your real life relationships. In my Audible Original Messy Love, I sit down with three different couples over three sessions each. Together, we explore how to build emotional safety, navigate conflict, and rebuild trust in their relationships. I'll walk you through five core principles from the series and and after each one, offer you a simple exercise you can try for yourself, whether with a romantic partner, a family relationship, or any bond that holds value for you. And to hear how these tools come to life, make sure to check out Messy Love, available only on Audible. Audible's well Being collection has everything to inspire and support you in every step of your wellbeing journey. So let's get started. Principle 1 is all about Influence, Respect and Recognition early in the series, I meet Amanda and Ryan, a couple who feel out of sync in their schedules and emotional connection with one another. I quickly identify that beneath their frustration is a shared desire to feel, influence, respect and recognition from one another for for what they do. When we don't feel seen or valued, we start to build resentment, not because we don't care, but because we don't feel safe to keep giving. Let me share a moment from my conversation with Amanda and Ryan that really captures what this looks like in real life. As you listen, notice how both of them aren't actually arguing about tasks or schedules. They're wrestling with something deeper than the need to feel valued and understood in the relationship. Hearing Ryan and Amanda share, it's becoming clear to me that the underlying core issue is respect, recognition and influence. In any relationship, people aren't really arguing

[Therapist/Coach]

just about the finances, they're arguing about do I have an influence in the decisions we make. People are not just arguing over what roles they do or how many chores they have, they're arguing over how much respect they feel. And ultimately everyone wants to feel recognized by their partner for the work they put in. And so that's at the core of this relationship. Thank you both for being so vulnerable and open. I really appreciate it. This is the reality of what we're all dealing with, which is we like each other, we love each other, things make sense. But there's the realities of life, whether that be financial, emotional, mental, and as I'm listening to you both, when we really get Beneath the surface, it seems like less of a income conversation and more of a influence, respect and recognition conversation. And I mean, Ryan, you just said totally straight away that.

[Ryan]

And it took a lot of years to understand, like, when things happen, it's not personal. Like, if I feel like she took a low blow understanding that, like, it's not her legitimately wanting to hurt me, that's just her protecting herself in the same way that I do it in my way. When I get insecure, when I feel less than, my natural reaction is to get angry and, like, loud and big, because then I don't feel weak.

[Therapist/Coach]

What are your exact roles right now? I get the sense overall, but what are your exact roles right now and how have you learned to place value? It sounds like in those heated moments, there's an unequal value on certain roles.

[Amanda]

Now, I generally go to Pilates or work out before I teach because I need to, like, set myself up for the day. And because by 9 o', clock, my phone, like, I have a work phone and obviously a personal phone. The amount of people needing my attention is so intense that I really like those hours. So usually before Ryan and Piggy wake up, I've already worked out and, like, taught two classes and I'm already, like, well into my day. Late morning or midday, that's where a little chaos comes in, as if Ryan and Piggy have gone for a walk. And I come home and I'm a little bit of a tornado. And then I go to the wellness center and I see patients.

[Ryan]

She's kind of always a tornado because everything's stacked. If the smallest little glitch in the schedule happens, things start to fall apart. I'm the support role. Back to what you're asking.

[Amanda]

Traditionally, I'd be like in the 50s, like the man that goes to the store.

[Ryan]

You kind of joke about that, that I'm more of the homemaker and I make everything run around the house and all of the errands in the store and. And things like that, you know, and she works. And in those moments where she's flustered and busy and like, I gotta do this, I gotta do that. And I'm trying to, like, he's the fixer, like, make her some food and make this and gather this. Another thing that happens a lot when she's like that, she'll just be barking orders and do this, do that, and

[Jay Shetty]

like, where is this? Where is that?

[Ryan]

So now I'm freaking out, having anxiety attack because I can't find the. This piece of paper or we ran out of this. And she needs that. And so that's where the resentment builds up, is like, I do so much, but in this moment, you'll make a comment like, I'm not doing enough. And all this other stuff that I did that you have no idea, that, you know, helped your day out and made it more efficient. You're going to harp on this one thing, and now I have to feel bad about that?

[Jay Shetty]

What you're hearing there is, isn't really about who does more. It's about what happens when appreciation turns into accounting. When recognition fades, resentment fills the gap. Here's an exercise I want you to try. For the first set of the exercise, I invite you to ask yourself, in what moments do you feel seen and recognized in your relationship? And then when do you feel invisible or overlooked, like you aren't being seen and recognized in that connection? Notice what comes up for you. Then see if you can share this information with the other person in your life. I want to start with something that sounds obvious but changes everything. A lot of people think the foundation of a romantic relationship is chemistry. But chemistry is the spark. The foundation is respect. And here's how you can tell the difference between a relationship that feels exciting and and a relationship that actually feels safe. In a healthy relationship, you feel respected, recognized and influential. Not in charge, not dominant, influential. Like your presence matters. Like your feelings register. Like your voice changes the room. Because love without respect doesn't feel like love. It feels like anxiety. When with good memories, the respect part is really important. Respect isn't just being polite. Respect is how someone treats your reality. Do they take your feelings seriously? Do they handle your boundaries like they matter? Do they speak to you like you're someone they're proud to be with? Especially when they're annoyed? There's a reason respect is such a big deal in research. Respect is one of those things you don't appreciate until it's missing. Because when respect is missing, everything starts to feel personal. A joke feels like a jab. A disagreement feels like dismissal. A boundary feels like you're asking for too much. And here's a modern, very 2026. A lot of women aren't breaking up because they stopped loving someone. They're breaking up because they got tired of being handled casually. The relationship didn't end in one big betrayal. It ended in a thousand tiny moments of disrespect. The eye roll, the sarcasm. The you're too sensitive. The I forgot that happens every time it's important to you. Respect is the difference between I don't agree with you and I don't take you seriously. Notice the difference between those I don't agree with you as respectful, I don't take you seriously is personal. Now let's talk recognition, because this is where so many relationships quietly fail. Recognition is the feeling of my partner gets me. Not just my highlight reel, not just my cute side, not just my social self, me. In psychology, there's a concept part called perceived partner responsiveness. It's basically the science version of I feel seen. It means you feel your partner understands you, cares about you, and appreciates you. And here's why this matters. When you don't feel recognized, you start performing. You start editing yourself. You start picking your words carefully, you start managing your emotions so you don't ruin the vibe. And you can call it being chill, but it's actually being alone. While in a relationship, recognition is what makes love feel like a place you can exhale. A lot of people I speak to say some version of this. They say they love me, but I don't feel known. Or they're there, but I feel invisible. And in real life dating culture, recognition looks like simple things. They remember what stresses you out without you having to remind them. They notice when your energy changes. They don't make you explain the same emotional pain twice. That's recognition. And it's rare because it requires attention. Now here's the piece that changes the whole influence. Influence is when your partner is open to being affected by you. Not controlled by you, affected by you. This is where the Gottman research is powerful. John Gottman's work on couples consistently points to the importance of accepting influence. Being able to say in small, daily ways, your opinion matters. I can be moved by you. I'm not in a power struggle with you. And Gottman's team has written about how in heterosexual relationships, a common predictor of long term stability is is whether the man can accept influence from his partner, meaning he can soften, consider, adjust and share power. Rather than turning everything into a standoff, let me make this very modern and practical. A lot of people think influence means I get my way. Nope. Influence means I don't feel like I have to fight to be considered. It's the difference between being being with someone who listens and being with someone who only hears you when you've reached your breaking point. Influence shows up in tiny moments. You say something bothered you and they don't argue out of it. You make a request and they don't treat it like an attack. You bring up a need and they don't punish you with withdrawal. When influence is missing, people start doing what they're famous for doing. They start adapting. They get quieter, they get easier, they get more low maintenance. And everyone thinks the relationship is better now until they leave. Not because they stopped loving them, but because they stopped feeling like themselves. Here's the cultural trap. Being cool versus being respected. Here's a trend I want to call out gently because it's everywhere. So many women have been taught to be the cool girl, the unbothered one, the easy one, the I'm not like that one. But the truth is, being low maintenance is not the goal. Being highly respected is because love is not earned by shrinking. Love is sustained by mutual care. If you have to downplay your needs to make someone love you, that isn't love. That's emotional rent. If you're listening right now and thinking, okay, but how do I know if this is my relationship? Here are three questions that cut through the noise. One, do I feel respected when we disagree? Not when we're in love mode. When we're in conflict? Do I feel recognized on my hard days? Or am I only lovable when I'm convenient? And number three, do I have influence or. Or do I have to escalate to be heard? Do I need to cry, threaten to leave, or shut down for my feelings to count? Because if your relationship requires emotional extremes to produce basic consideration, it's not intimacy, it's instability. So here's what I want to share about Principle one. Respect is how love stays safe. Recognition is how love stays seen. And influence is how love stays equal. Now, Principle 2 is all about scorekeeping. This is another key principle that plays out with Amanda and Ryan and is at the root of so many couples. I me. Scorekeeping happens when we track what the other person did or didn't do and quietly use that information to build a case against them. But over time, this internal scoreboard can turn into resentment and and emotional distance. Scorekeeping makes us adversaries. Shared understanding makes us partners. And when couples begin naming what they value in each other instead of what's missing, the emotional tone of the relationship changes almost immediately. Hey, it's me. Jay. And I just wanted to share this one phone call I had with a friend. It was when I just made one of the biggest decisions in my career, and I was nervous about how it would be received. Then my friend called me out of the blue just to check in. And hearing their voice, their encouragement, completely changed my perspective. That moment reminded me how powerful a

[Therapist/Coach]

simple connection can be.

[Jay Shetty]

And did you know that 2026 will mark 150 years since the first phone call, March 10, 1876. From that one call, it all grew. The first long distance lines, the first call across America, the first across the Atlantic, the first commercial cell Service, even the first 911 system. AT&T has been connecting people in so many ways for 150 years. I can't help but wonder how many lives were changed, how many important conversations happened, even how many lives were saved, all because people could reach each other. 150 years of connecting. That's not just history, that's a reminder. When technology brings people together, we can do incredible things.

[Gladys]

Connecting changes everything.

[Jay Shetty]

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Go to kachava.com and use code purpose for 15% off. That's Kachava K A C-H-A-A.com codepurpose when you think about your day, whether you're running a business or managing a household, so much of what you do depends on staying connected. From work calls and emails to streaming, learning and staying in touch with the people who matter most. Connectivity isn't luxury anymore. It's the foundation. That's why fast, reliable Internet makes such a difference. When your connection works seamlessly, you're not distracted by interruptions. You're able to focus on what actually matters. And when support is there, when you need it, it creates a sense of trust and stability that allows you to keep moving forward. Spectrum Business understands that no two businesses are the same. They offer Internet, advanced WI fi, phone, TV and mobile services designed to support businesses of all sizes with packages built to fit different needs and budgets and with 100% US based customer support available 24. 7 help is always within reach so businesses can stay up and running without missing a beat. Millions of business owners rely on Spectrum business to stay connected and grow with confidence. Visit spectrum.combusiness to learn more. Restrictions Apply Services not available in all Areas. In my work I've noticed that contribution usually shows up in in five Financial Mental, Physical, Emotional, spiritual Conflict often happens when two people are giving generously just in different currencies and because those currencies aren't named, both people feel depleted and misunderstood. Even used sometimes. Conflict often arises when someone feels they are over giving in one area and under receiving in another area. Which without naming it. So here's an exercise. Your next step is the same one I asked Amanda and Ryan to do. Ask yourself in what areas of your relationship do you feel like you are over giving and under receiving? And in what areas do you feel you're under giving and over receiving? Share your findings with your partner and see if you can make any alterations to find more balance in your relationship. And scorekeeping is often very unlabeled and random. It can be I planned the last three dates. I always text first. I was there when they were struggling. But where were they when I needed support? I apologize. They didn't. Scorekeeping doesn't usually start with resentment. It starts with imbalance. And imbalance doesn't feel dangerous at first, it feels annoying. But over time, small mental tallies turn into emotional distance. And here's the part that's uncomfortable. Scorekeeping feels justified because most of the time it is. The reason we keep score from a psychological perspective is humans are wired for fairness. Research in social psychology shows that people are deeply sensitive to perceived inequity. When one partner feels they're investing more than they're receiving, relationship satisfaction drops significantly. Equity theory basically says we don't just want love, we want fairness. And when something feels unfair, your brain flags it. That's not pettiness, that's biology. But here's where it gets complicated. Fairness in relationships is rarely mathematical. It's emotional. One person might be carrying more financially, caring more emotionally carrying more mentally, and the imbalance might be temporary or chronic. The problem isn't noticing imbalance. The problem is turning it into a silent ledger. Let's make this real for 2026. Scorekeeping Today looks like tracking who initiates plans, noticing who says I love you first and more often watching who shares their story on social Media counting how long it takes for someone to reply, mentally logging who compromised last. It sounds small, but it changes the emotional tone of the relationship. Because once you start keeping score, you stop giving freely. You give to balance the sheet, and that shifts love from generosity to transaction. John Gottman's research on relationships found something fascinating. Couples don't survive because they split everything. 50, 50. They survive because they respond to each other's bids for connection. A bid can be small. Look at this. Can I tell you something? Are you okay? Healthy couples turn toward Those bids about 86% of the time. Unhappy couples around 33%. Not because they're evil, because they're tired, because they feel unseen, because they're already keeping score. And when you're keeping score, you start missing bids on purpose. Oh, now you want my attention. Oh, now you're affectionate. Oh, now you care. Scorekeeping turns connection into revenge. Scorekeeping feels powerful. It gives you evidence. But here's the truth. Scorekeeping is usually unspoken resentment. And unspoken resentment becomes emotional withdrawal. You don't scream, you don't leave. You just start caring a little less. You stop initiating. You stop softening. You stop reaching. Not because you don't love them, because you're protecting yourself from feeling foolish. So what's the alternative? This is important. The solution is not to ignore imbalance. The solution is to address it directly instead of storing it. Scorekeeping thrives in silence. Healthy love says, I'm feeling stretched here. I need more support. I notice what you're giving me here, but I do feel like I'm carrying this alone. That's not nagging. That's clarity. Because once resentment builds, you're not negotiating needs. You're negotiating wounds. The next thing I want to talk to you about is conflict styles in Messy Love. The second couple I meet is Gladys and Justin, who are having a difficult time with the way they communicate and trust in one another. I shared with them three core fight styles or. Or conflict styles. Venting. I want to fix this right now. Hiding. I need space and time to reflect on my feelings. And exploding. What happens when the first two go unheard? Here is a moment where I introduce this idea to Gladys and Justin. As you listen, notice how naming the conflict style immediately lowers the temperature. Often when we finally speak up, we speak louder, but not clearer.

[Therapist/Coach]

When I say louder, I don't mean you're shouting.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah, it's more confident, but it doesn't

[Therapist/Coach]

mean confidence is clarity. In is that person really able to understand what we're saying?

[Jay Shetty]

That's why this exercise of that trigger and reaction is so important because what's happening is the trigger is speaking louder, maybe not clearer, and the reaction is

[Therapist/Coach]

minimizing and projecting value onto it.

[Jay Shetty]

And that's where everything escalates. What happens when it escalates so you don't feel seen and heard?

[Therapist/Coach]

Gladys, Justin will say, can't believe we're here again. It's too small. Why are we doing this? Where does that go?

[Gladys]

I just shut down, which is the next one. But I just shut down. And then that's when he kind of wants to have a conversation. And at that point, I don't want to have the conversation. It just becomes an argument. And then the conversation becomes very defensive. And then at some point, that is probably the biggest thing. Like, I feel it in my chest when this happens. I get so angry that I'll just scream and be like, I don't care anymore. Just get off my phone. Like, I don't even care. I don't want to talk to you. Walk away, and I start becoming really rude.

[Therapist/Coach]

Yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

And that's when we've.

[Therapist/Coach]

We've already gone too far. Where it's like, it's unsavable at that point, that conversation, because tension's high. There's loads of emotion. We've lost that rational part of us that has the ability to. Justin, your thoughts on that?

[Justin]

Yeah, it's pretty accurate. And it happens on. On both behalfs. You know, there's some times where she'll shut down, and then I do the same, and then we just don't talk, and then there's like that awkward silence and then somebody breaks the ice. Most of the time it's me, you know, coming to try to figure it out. Right?

[Therapist/Coach]

Yeah. And so what we're really speaking about

[Jay Shetty]

here Is that in terms of your

[Therapist/Coach]

communication challenges, the communication challenges for Gladys is saying what you really want, when you want it, and being really clear about it and for it not to be a trigger.

[Jay Shetty]

I think the challenge is when we only communicate when it's triggered, it's no longer communication.

[Therapist/Coach]

It's now a trigger. That's why we call it that. And I think communication is actually.

[Jay Shetty]

There's nothing wrong right now, and there's

[Therapist/Coach]

nothing that I'm agitated right now.

[Jay Shetty]

And in this peace, I'm actually going

[Therapist/Coach]

to share what I want.

[Jay Shetty]

If I communicate when I'm not triggered,

[Therapist/Coach]

Chances are I won't trigger the other person. But if I only communicate when I'm

[Jay Shetty]

triggered, Chances are I'm going to lead to a reaction. And I think for yourself in that just in. If you are only reacting to a trigger, you're going to have a reaction. But for you to break this cycle, we've got to make sure that you are able to, even if Gladys gets triggered, to be able to approach it

[Therapist/Coach]

in a form of validation and making her feel seen and heard.

[Jay Shetty]

And so there's responsibility and accountability on both sides because we don't want to

[Therapist/Coach]

get to the escalation point because that's

[Jay Shetty]

the point of no return, where repairing

[Therapist/Coach]

from that is a lot harder.

[Jay Shetty]

When we understand how we fight, we stop assuming it's about whether we care. Here's a moment where we go deeper into triggers and how quickly reactions can spiral when clarity is missing. Conflict styles aren't flaws, they're patterns. We learn to protect ourselves, but when those patterns go unnamed, they collide. The goal isn't to eliminate conflict, it's to understand it well enough that repair becomes possible. Conflict styles aren't flaws, they're patterns. We learn to protect ourselves. But when those patterns go unnamed, they collide. The goal isn't to eliminate conflict. It's to understand it well enough that repair becomes possible. For this exercise, I invite you to identify which fight style is most common for you in your relationship. Then consider why you think this style developed and whether any adjustments could be made. Are you a fixer, a venter, or an exploder? Most relationships don't fall apart because of big betrayals. They fall apart because of how two people fight or don't fight. Your conflict style is the invisible script you run when something feels off. It's how you react when you're hurt, when you're misunderstood, when you're disappointed. And most of us didn't choose our style. We inherited it. Here's what's fascinating. Research shows that conflict is not predictive of divorce. Avoidance of repair is. Gottman's work shows it's not about whether you argue. It's about whether you repair quickly. Do you soften after? Do you circle back? Do you say, I didn't mean it that way? Or do you stay in ego? Here's the hard question. Ask yourself, when we fight, do I feel closer after or more alone? Because conflict styles don't determine compatibility, repair does. It's not about finding someone who you never argue with. It's about finding someone who stays with you even after you argue. Principle number four. The final couple we meet in messy love. My audible original is Jeremy and Richard, who are deeply in love and committed to growing together but working through very different communication styles. This is something I see quite often in my work with couples and can be incredibly frustrating without a solution. For this, I offer the XYZ method, a simple framework for expressing needs without blame or judgment. It goes like this. When you X, I feel Y, how can we work together to get to Z? Let me share a moment where I introduce this framework to Jeremy and Richard.

[Therapist/Coach]

The challenge is, as humans, we all internalize all statements. So most people, when they hear the statement, you don't understand me, what we hear is, you're not an understanding person. Yeah, sure, we're right. I'm not an understanding person. And then what the person on the

[Jay Shetty]

receiving end does is think of all

[Therapist/Coach]

the ways in which they are an understanding person.

[Jay Shetty]

Hey, but wait a minute. I understood when you had that doctor's appointment. Hey, wait a minute.

[Therapist/Coach]

I understood when we were with J, it's like, no.

[Jay Shetty]

The way you want to share it is very specific.

[Therapist/Coach]

When you do X, I feel Y. Yeah. How can we get to Z?

[Jay Shetty]

We can use this framework that has evolved from many solution focused therapies to be really specific.

[Therapist/Coach]

Right. That's how we want to try and have that conversation moving forward.

[Jay Shetty]

Because the other challenge we all say

[Therapist/Coach]

to our partners is we all say,

[Jay Shetty]

you always do this and you never do that.

[Therapist/Coach]

Right?

[Jay Shetty]

You always leave the dishes unclean. You never organize vacations for us to go on.

[Therapist/Coach]

And so we speak in finality and

[Jay Shetty]

completeness as opposed to when you leave the dishes uncleaned.

[Therapist/Coach]

When very specific. When not always, not never.

[Jay Shetty]

When you leave the dishes uncleaned, I feel you don't value me. Whereas you could have just said there's.

[Therapist/Coach]

You don't make me feel valued.

[Jay Shetty]

And that lands completely differently. You just don't value me. And the other person's like, what do you mean I don't value you? I just made you coffee this morning. I took the dog for a walk. I cooked us dinner last night. What do you mean, like, no, you don't value me. The dishes were unclean last night. And. And now you've already lost the argument. When you do X, I feel Y, what you're doing is you're taking accountability for your feeling and you're being specific

[Therapist/Coach]

to clear up when you feel that way.

[Jay Shetty]

And then the person gets an opportunity to explain how those two things are not connected. So what I want you to do, Richard, is I want you to express something to Jeremy you may have done something before. I want you to take something you shared in anger or flippantly or something you shared without this process. Maybe you said you don't value me, maybe.

[Therapist/Coach]

You said you'll care less with money.

[Jay Shetty]

And I want you to now say it with this new rhythm and new script.

[Jeremy]

I was just kind of thinking about, like, when that typically happens. It's usually around, like, cleaning the house.

[Richard]

Oh, that's true. That's where my mind went to first.

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah.

[Jeremy]

And I'm a very clean person. I just want to state for the record, but he's freakishly, obsessively clean.

[Richard]

I don't think you're a dirty person at all. I think you can be messy. And when I spend a lot of time making our house nice and clean and lovely like a hotel, I.

[Jay Shetty]

And when. So, yeah, so now I want to use the script. So how would Richard have said that before today? How would Richard have said that? How would you say this without the script?

[Richard]

God, why can't you just wipe that up? You're a dirty slob.

[Therapist/Coach]

Brilliant.

[Jay Shetty]

Great.

[Richard]

Or like, God, I just cleaned up deep cleaned the whole house. And like, you're, you know, making a sandwich. You can't even wipe up the crumbs.

[Jeremy]

He will get bothered by me eating food after he's cleaned the kitchen.

[Richard]

Like, deep clean. But, like, I don't mind. Just, like, wipe down the counter. There's, like, crumbs.

[Jeremy]

How would you. With her new skill set.

[Therapist/Coach]

Okay, now, I.

[Richard]

When you do these kind of things.

[Jay Shetty]

No, speak specific.

[Richard]

When you leave the crumbs on the counter after I deep clean our home, I feel like you don't value the love and work that I put into our household to make it nice for us. So how do we get to the Z?

[Jay Shetty]

Yeah. What can we do?

[Therapist/Coach]

Well, what do you need at that point to get to Z?

[Richard]

Well, in order for me to get to Z, I would want you to be more mindful when you've noticed that I took a lot of time out of my day to make our home the way it is.

[Jay Shetty]

Sure. Yeah.

[Gladys]

That comes with better.

[Richard]

That would make me feel valued. Sure that, you know, you appreciate all the hard work that I do for our household.

[Jay Shetty]

Here's where we take that XYZ method and apply it in real time. So what makes the XYZ method so powerful isn't just the words themselves. It's the space it creates between reaction and understanding. So often in relationships, we think we're arguing about the behavior, but what we're really fighting is the meaning we've attached to it. The moment we assume intention, the conversation becomes about who's right instead of what's true. The XYZ Method helps us untangle that. When you X anchors us in observation, not interpretation. It asks us to describe what happened, not what we think it says about our partner. When you say I feel why, it reminds us that emotions are not weapons, they. They're signals. And when we take responsibility for our feelings, we stop asking our partner to defend themselves and instead invite them to understand us. Finally, when you say how can we get to Z? That shifts the energy completely. It transforms conflict from a courtroom into a collaboration. For this exercise, think of a point of frustration in your relationship and attempt to communicate with the other person. Using the XYZ model, make sure you feel heard. Then create the space for the other person to do the same. Let's talk about something that sounds simple but quietly determines whether a relationship deepens or deteriorates. Communicating your feelings. Not your opinions, not your analysis, not your sarcasm, your feelings. But here's the truth. Most people think they're communicating their feelings when they're actually communicating their conclusions. And those are very different things. When something hurts, most of us don't say I felt ignored, we say you never listen. When we feel insecure, we don't say I'm feeling anxious, we say, you don't care. That shift from feeling to accusation changes everything. Here's the hard question. Ask yourself, when I'm hurt, do I communicate to be understood or do I communicate to win? Because these two intentions create completely different outcomes. And our final principle today comes from my conversation with Justin and Gladys. Lasting change feels overwhelming when we think in terms of forever. But when we focus on just 30 days, trust becomes achievable again through small, consistent actions. So what I suggest to them is to create a 30 day agreement. Sharing a moment now where I introduce this idea to Justin and Gladys. As you listen, notice how the energy shifts when the focus moves from forever to just the next 30 days.

[Therapist/Coach]

For the remainder of this session, I want to focus in on creating what I see as a 30 day agreement that you both make together. That becomes a rolling agreement, which is an agreement to everything that you both just mentioned. The growth, the love, the connection. But we want to do it with practical terminology. And what I mean by that is, well, how often do we want to talk? What do we want to talk about? How often do we want to meet and connect? Let's structure that. Let's create what our current boundaries are and where we want to stop them. Because what we don't want it to become is that right now you both feel really clear that it's not time to get back together, it'd be too early, it would be too rushed, it would be too forced. And we want to get to a point where we don't rush into it or fall into those moments, but that you both are able to progress. And so I want you to talk about what a 30 day agreement would look like. It's like, what are we both signing up for in terms of time for connection, in terms of space, in terms of how often we're getting together in,

[Jay Shetty]

in terms of what are our boundaries,

[Therapist/Coach]

are we okay, we may spend one

[Jay Shetty]

or two, three days together in a

[Therapist/Coach]

row, but then gonna need two days

[Jay Shetty]

off, like I'm gonna, you know, whatever it is and then that can change.

[Therapist/Coach]

That agreement becomes something that you come back to. But actually in the next 30 days, I'm willing to spend one more day together. And it becomes like that guideline I gave you for the three part communication, it's that whenever it emotions take over in either direction, you have something to turn to and you both keep each other accountable to that you're not making a commitment for the next 12 months. Yeah, it's a 30 day agreement. That again, what I would encourage you to do in 30 days is to sit down and do this again together as if I was there and say, okay, well, this is what went well, this is what didn't work. Maybe we didn't spend enough time together, maybe we spent too much time together. Maybe there was this.

[Jay Shetty]

And so then you create a new

[Therapist/Coach]

agreement and it's 30 days, which means you're not signing a contract for life. Or I think that's sometimes what's so hard about relationships is we make these big decisions where we're like, oh, we're just going to move back in together and figure it out. And it's like, well, okay, well, what does that look like in 30 days and 60 days? And so this patient approach is healthier for Aleya, it's healthier for both of you, as you've both talked about. And so if right now you're both signing up to no other romantic partners, it's a 30 day agreement. If that changes in 90 days, it's something you can update each other on and, and move on, but at least there's clarity and you both have a transparent approach to it.

[Gladys]

Yeah, I agree.

[Justin]

Yeah.

[Gladys]

I don't know why imagining it has to be like a three page agreement.

[Jay Shetty]

You know, to be honest, the simpler and the less the better.

[Therapist/Coach]

To me, it's not about how many points you have on it, it's more about having the key things that move the needle for both of you and checking in with how you feel.

[Jay Shetty]

So yeah, I would say I would

[Therapist/Coach]

like you both to like write this out in your words together.

[Gladys]

Okay.

[Therapist/Coach]

This would be a great activity to do together as your homework. Print it out. Keep it somewhere really, really clear where you both have the same print out the same words. You've chosen those words together, and ideas for each as well. You know, you may find that going out for brunch and dinner is nice, but then you want to add other activities and things and trips or whatever else that includes, I think getting language down right so that you both feel really clear about it and you know what you're honoring would be something I would recommend you both do after this together. Does that feel good?

[Gladys]

This feels really good.

[Justin]

It does, yeah.

[Jay Shetty]

The beauty of the 30 day contract isn't in grand promises. It's in small, consistent actions that rebuild trust slowly and intentionally. Trust isn't restored through intensity, it's restored through repetition. Here's an create a 30 day contract with the other person in your relationship. In the agreement, be sure to include these three 1. Identify your core pillars, what are integral to the relationship, what they are, and what they mean to you. 2. Set realistic commitments and boundaries that you both feel good about. 3. Revisit and renew your agreement regularly. This is a working document that and not a one and done deal. These five principles are just a few of the powerful insights you'll hear in my Audible Original Messy Love for much more where that came from, please check out Messy Love exclusively on Audible. Check it [e-mail] Messylove thank you for listening. Remember, I'm forever in your corner and always rooting for you. Success starts with your drive, and American Public University is here to fuel it. With affordable tuition and over 200 flexible online programs, APU helps you gain the skills and confidence to move forward. Whether you're changing careers, starting fresh, or pursuing a lifelong passion. Our programs are designed for people who never stop. You bring the fire. APU will fuel the journey. Learn more at APU Apus Edu we spend so much time managing stress and wellness, but sometimes it's the unseen things around us that throw us off, like allergens hiding in the air we breathe at home. That's where Clorox Pure Allergen Neutralizer Daily Air Spray comes in. Developed with allergists, it neutralizes common household allergens like pollen, dust, mite matter, and pet dander right where they can linger most in the air. There's also Clorox Pure Allergen neutralizer fabric and carpet spray for carpets, couches and bedding where allergens can lurk. Add Clorox Pure to your daily routine to stop allergens before they become allergies. Find it in the Air Care aisle at a retailer near you. Sometimes you just need to go to your happy place. And there's no better happy place than celebrity cruises. They get you closer than close to the history, culture and flavors of Europe. And now they visit more of it than ever. Their elevated Caribbean escapes keep the island bliss going between islands from quick three and four night getaways to week long journeys and longer. There's nothing more restorative than the wild wonders of Alaska. And celebrity ships are designed to make the most of every view. Celebrity doesn't just build ships, they build the vacations you you'll always remember in the places you'll never forget. Book today and see why nothing comes close to celebrity cruises.

[Gladys]

This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.