Podcast Summary: On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Episode: The #1 Question to Ask Before You End a Relationship (THIS Episode Will Give You the Clarity You Have Been Looking For!)
Release Date: August 29, 2025

Episode Overview

In this insightful solo episode, Jay Shetty addresses one of the most challenging questions we face in relationships: How do you know when it’s time to let go, and how do you gain clarity when someone doesn’t change? Jay explores the patterns that define people, the difference between loving someone and trying to fix them, why radical acceptance is not resignation, and the importance of focusing on reality over potential. This episode serves as a practical guide for anyone struggling with the pain of unmet expectations and the difficulty of determining whether to stay or leave.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding Patterns Over Potential

• Jay stresses the importance of observing actions and patterns rather than relying on words, appearance, or imagined potential.
  • “People don’t reveal themselves through their words. People reveal themselves through their patterns. Pay attention.” (04:25)
• Warning against falling in love with potential—which is often our own projection or unmet childhood needs.

Notable Quote

“Ignore patterns and you will forever be in love with potential.”
— Jay Shetty (05:10)

2. Self-reflection: The Illusion of Potential & Unmet Needs

• Jay prompts listeners to examine what personal wounds or unmet needs make them hold onto someone’s potential.
  • “Think of someone you’re trying to fix and ask yourself what unmet need in me is trying to be met through them. Clarity starts there.” (06:30)
• The pain of staying and trying to change someone often leads to losing oneself.

3. Believe What They Do, Not What They Say

• Emphasizes that consistent, observable behavior indicates someone’s true self—regardless of promises or apologies.
  • “Hope is not a strategy. Don’t focus on promises. Focus on patterns.” (08:25)
  • Cautions against excusing or justifying repeated disrespect, boundary-breaking, or empty apologies.

Notable Quote

“If someone constantly apologizes but never changes, that’s who they are.”
— Jay Shetty (09:40)

4. Stop Mistaking Control for Love

• Attempts to change someone are often disguised as care, but are rooted in a desire to control, arising from discomfort, fear of abandonment, or uncertainty.
  • “Trying to change people often feels like care, but it’s usually covert control. You’re trying to manage their chaos so you don’t have to face your fear…” (11:15)
• Cites Melody Beattie’s codependency work: “You can’t force someone to be who they’re not. You can only love them where they are or leave.”

Notable Quote

“Am I doing this for them—or to soothe my discomfort with their behavior? It’s a form of control.”
— Jay Shetty (12:20)

5. Radical Acceptance is Respect, Not Resignation

• Introduces the concept of Radical Acceptance from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): fully accepting reality as it is.
  • “The gap between how we want life to be and how life actually is, is the amount of pain you experience.” (17:53)
• Acceptance is not lowering expectations, but making informed choices based on reality—not wishful thinking.

Notable Quote

“You don’t have to tolerate disrespect just because you know their trauma. You can forgive someone and still walk away.”
— Jay Shetty (19:50)

6. You’re Not Their Mirror, You’re Their Environment

• Draws on the Pygmalion Effect and environmental conditioning:
  • “You’re not a sculptor, you’re the soil. You can be nourishing, but you cannot will a plant to grow if they don’t want the light. Your sunshine will burn them.” (22:15)
• Asserts that change rarely comes from direct attempt to fix someone, but more from the environments and people around them.

Notable Quote

“People are not yours to fix. People are not yours to solve. People are not yours to change.”
— Jay Shetty (24:45)

7. The Power of Letting Go

• Sometimes the most loving action is to step back and release someone, “with compassion.”
• Research suggests deep disengagement and letting go leads to higher well-being than trying persistently to fix others.

8. Know the Difference: Priorities vs. Preferences

• Recommends clarifying your non-negotiables (priorities) and nice-to-haves (preferences) in relationships.
  • “The only decision under our control is: Do I want to be close? Do I still want to be here? Can I be patient, or am I losing myself?” (27:20)

Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On falling for potential:
  “The illusion of potential is a projection of your own wound.” — Jay Shetty (06:00)

• On hope vs. reality:
  “We have to be careful to not sacrifice ourselves for too long.” — Jay Shetty (10:05)

• On changing others:
  “If I really want what’s right for someone… it’s about asking them who they want to be.” — Jay Shetty (20:45)

• On the experience of change:
  “You could marry someone confident but divorce someone broken. People change in ways we don’t want them to more than they change in the ways we want them to.” — Jay Shetty (26:05)

Key Timestamps

• [04:25] — People reveal themselves through patterns, not words.
• [06:00–07:00] — The illusion of potential and its roots in personal wounds.
• [08:25] — Focusing on behavioral patterns over promises or apologies.
• [11:15] — Control disguised as care and the roots of codependency.
• [17:53] — Radical Acceptance as a tool for relationship clarity.
• [19:50] — Accepting reality without tolerating mistreatment.
• [22:15] — The Pygmalion Effect, environment, and your real role in someone’s growth.
• [24:45] — The freedom and wellness in letting go.
• [26:05] — The only choices truly under our control in relationships.

Final Takeaway

Jay encourages listeners to focus on what can be controlled: their own actions and choices, rather than trying to change others. The #1 question to ask before ending a relationship is: “Am I willing to stay here if the pattern remains the same?” Radical self-honesty, acceptance, and compassion—for yourself and the other—are the foundations of clarity in relationships.

If you’re questioning whether to stay, focus on reality, prioritize your well-being, and recognize that true change only happens when a person is ready—not because you wish it.

For those who want more: Jay recommends listening to his interview with Dr. Julie Smith on embracing difficult feelings for further growth and healing.