Podcast Summary: "The Tell Them Method - How To Stop Holding On To Emotional Baggage and Regret"

Podcast Information:

• Title: On Purpose with Jay Shetty
• Host: Jay Shetty
• Publisher: iHeartPodcasts
• Description: Jay Shetty hosts "On Purpose," the world's #1 Mental Health podcast, aimed at fostering conversations and workshops to help listeners become happier, healthier, and more healed. The podcast features interviews with experts, celebrities, thought leaders, and athletes to promote mindset growth, habit-building, and uncovering unseen facets of guests. New episodes are released every Monday and Friday.

1. Introduction to the Tell Them Method

Timestamp: [03:28]

In this episode, Jay Shetty introduces the Tell Them Method, a communication strategy designed to help individuals release emotional baggage and eliminate regret by openly expressing their feelings.

Jay Shetty: "This method is going to transform your life. It will change the way you work with your colleagues, talk to your parents, your partners. It will change everything about your life." ([03:29])

2. Understanding Communication Pitfalls

Jay highlights a common issue where people practice the "tell everyone but them" method instead of directly addressing their feelings with the concerned individual. He provides examples illustrating how withholding emotions can lead to misunderstandings and deteriorate relationships.

Examples Discussed:

• Not wanting to go on a date but not communicating it.
• Cancelling plans due to exhaustion without informing the other party.
• Feeling anxious about work projects but not expressing concerns to a boss.

3. The Consequences of Holding Back

Jay explains that holding onto emotions can lead to various negative outcomes:

• Emotional Tension: Unexpressed feelings create internal stress.
• Gossiping: Sharing negative emotions with others instead of the person involved dilutes relationships.
• Physical Manifestations: Trapped emotions can result in muscle tension, headaches, and other physical ailments.

Jay Shetty: "Letting go is hard, but holding on is harder." ([06:12])

4. Benefits of the Tell Them Method

By adopting the Tell Them Method, individuals can:

• Restore Relationships: Clear communication fosters understanding and strengthens bonds.
• Emotional Relief: Expressing feelings releases pent-up emotions, reducing stress.
• Personal Growth: Open conversations encourage accountability and personal development.

Jay Shetty: "Sharing positive or vulnerable emotions is hard, but sharing a negative feeling towards someone is even harder. Telling someone you don't want to go out on a second date... These can be much more challenging conversations and they rarely are going to go how we want them to go and therefore we avoid them." ([05:45])

5. Effective Communication Strategies

Jay outlines key strategies to implement the Tell Them Method effectively:

a. How to Communicate: Non-Confrontational Approach

• Use Questions Instead of Accusations: Framing statements as questions can prevent the other party from becoming defensive.

  Jay Shetty: "It's about how you say something, not what you say... Using a question as a way to check." ([10:15])

b. Timing and Placement: Choosing the Right Moment

• Avoid Stressful Times: Initiate important conversations when both parties are calm and receptive.

  Jay Shetty: "People underestimate the timing... you’re speaking to them at a time where their emotional capacity is so reduced." ([28:19])

• Set a Dedicated Time and Place: Arrange a specific moment to discuss serious matters rather than bringing them up spontaneously during inappropriate settings like dinner or public gatherings.

c. Detachment from Outcomes

• Focus on Expression, Not Change: Share feelings without expecting the other person to change, which reduces pressure and potential confrontation.

  Jay Shetty: "We're usually quite attached to the result... All of our expectations are not helping us... Instead of sharing all of this in a way that we hope that they go, yeah, I get it." ([28:19])

6. Psychological and Physical Effects of Unexpressed Emotions

Jay delves into the research on how unexpressed emotions affect both mental and physical health:

• Emotional Vibration: Initial emotional response.
• Interconnected Mind-Body Impact: Physical sensations accompanying emotions.
• Processing Emotional Energy: How unresolved emotions can become trapped, leading to physical ailments like muscle tension or headaches.

Jay Shetty: "According to Nelson, when the second or third step gets interrupted, the energy of the emotion becomes trapped in the body... it can come out as resentment, passive aggression, depression, and stress." ([21:36])

7. Practical Steps: The Five-Step Formula

Jay presents a five-step formula to effectively implement the Tell Them Method:

1. Express Unfiltered Emotions:

   • Action: Write or speak out loud without censoring yourself.
   • Purpose: Allows for the release of raw emotions without immediate repercussions.

   Jay Shetty: "What would you say if there were no edits... Let it out without them there." ([25:00])

2. Focus and Edit:

   • Action: Refine your expression to remove accusatory language.
   • Purpose: Ensures clarity and reduces defensiveness in the recipient.

   Jay Shetty: "You're taking the accusatory, the blaming, the judgment out of it so that you can truly explain how you feel." ([25:30])

3. Determine the Best Time to Communicate:

   • Action: Choose a moment when both parties are calm and receptive.
   • Purpose: Enhances the likelihood of a productive conversation.

   Jay Shetty: "Figure out the best time to say it... You could have made it a lot easier for yourself to bring it up at a time that they could digest it." ([28:19])

4. Select an Appropriate Setting:

   • Action: Ensure privacy and comfort during the conversation.
   • Purpose: Creates a safe space for open dialogue.

   Jay Shetty: "Set an appointment, set a meeting to have important conversations." ([29:10])

5. Detach from the Outcome:

   • Action: Share your feelings without expecting a specific response.
   • Purpose: Reduces personal stress and fosters genuine communication.

   Jay Shetty: "We're usually quite attached to the result... Detach from the outcome." ([28:19])

8. Personal Anecdotes and Examples

Jay shares personal experiences to illustrate the effectiveness of the Tell Them Method:

• Expressing Appreciation: Jay told someone how much he appreciated them, which surprised the person but led to a deeper, more authentic relationship.

  Jay Shetty: "I said to them, I like living that way because I'd rather say everything that matters to me and be seen as foolish, stupid, weak than to hold it all back and miss out on an opportunity for a beautiful relationship." ([08:45])

• Handling Rejection: When his idea was rejected without valuable feedback, Jay openly communicated his feelings. This led to constructive feedback and personal growth.

  Jay Shetty: "I said, hey, I didn't get any feedback that I felt was valuable or insightful... when I communicated that and communicated the heart of the pitch, it actually led to a much more powerful, positive conversation." ([14:30])

9. Psychological Insights: Trapped Emotions and Health

Jay discusses how unexpressed emotions can lead to long-term psychological and physical issues, referencing experts and studies:

• Nelson's Research: Highlights the three steps of emotional processing and the dangers of interruptions leading to trapped emotions.

  Jay Shetty: "According to Nelson, the energy of the emotion becomes trapped in the body... You end up blaming yourself or others instead of engaging directly." ([21:36])

• Kelly Vincent's Analogy: Compares trapped emotions to carrying a heavy backpack, which drains energy and affects mood.

• Jennifer Litner's Article: Explains how trapped emotions can create trauma, supported by a 2015 survey indicating significant exposure to traumatic events.

10. Conclusion and Encouragement

Jay wraps up the episode by emphasizing the transformative power of the Tell Them Method. He encourages listeners to implement the five-step formula to release emotional baggage, enhance relationships, and improve overall well-being.

Jay Shetty: "When you're not saying how you feel to someone else, you're now carrying this backpack of emotions into every interaction you go to... That's why it's so important to tell them now." ([28:19])

He also connects the method to his partnership with Match, highlighting the importance of shared core values in building long-term relationships.

Jay Shetty: "If you're interested and invested in building a long term, long lasting, powerful relationship, this mindset is huge. 93% of match members say that shared core values are a crucial indicator of relationship success." ([30:10])

Key Takeaways:

• Open Communication: Directly expressing feelings prevents misunderstandings and strengthens relationships.
• Timing and Setting: Choosing the right moment and environment is crucial for effective communication.
• Emotional Health: Addressing emotions reduces internal stress and prevents physical ailments.
• Detachment from Outcomes: Sharing feelings without expecting specific responses fosters genuine dialogue.
• Personal Growth: Embracing vulnerability leads to self-respect and personal development.

Final Note: Jay Shetty encourages listeners to adopt the Tell Them Method to enhance their personal and professional relationships, reduce emotional burdens, and foster a healthier, more fulfilling life. By prioritizing honest and timely communication, individuals can transform their interactions and overall well-being.