You Are Not Responsible For Other People’s Feelings (How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt) - On Purpose with Jay Shetty

Summary

Podcast Summary: "You Are Not Responsible For Other People’s Feelings (How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt)"

Podcast Information:

Title: On Purpose with Jay Shetty
Host/Author: iHeartPodcasts
Description: Hosted by Jay Shetty, "On Purpose" is the world's #1 Mental Health podcast dedicated to fostering happier, healthier, and more healed individuals. Jay engages with experts, celebrities, thought leaders, and athletes to delve into conversations that promote mindset growth, better habits, and uncover hidden facets of prominent personalities. New episodes are released every Monday and Friday, aiming to support listeners in navigating relationship struggles, work challenges, and the myriad ups and downs of life with ease and grace.

Episode Details:

Title: You Are Not Responsible For Other People’s Feelings (How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt)
Release Date: April 25, 2025

Introduction

In the episode titled "You Are Not Responsible For Other People’s Feelings (How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt)," Jay Shetty explores the often-overlooked aspects of personal responsibility in relationships and interactions. He delves into the common misconceptions about being accountable for others' emotions, perceptions, and actions, providing listeners with actionable insights on setting healthy boundaries without succumbing to unnecessary guilt.

Key Topics and Discussions

1. Understanding Responsibility in Relationships

Jay begins by addressing the overwhelming sense of responsibility many individuals feel towards others' emotions and expectations. He emphasizes that carrying the weight of others' feelings can lead to emotional exhaustion and hinder personal growth.

Quote: "When we feel responsible for things that we don't need to be responsible for, we are blocked. Our creativity is blocked, our passions are blocked, our time is blocked." ([04:15])

2. You're Not Responsible for Other People's Feelings

One of the central themes is the misconception that one must manage or fix others' emotional states. Jay clarifies that while empathy and support are essential, it does not equate to being liable for another person's feelings.

Quote: "You cannot fix what's broken inside them. That's their work to do." ([07:30])

He shares personal anecdotes about overanalyzing interactions to prevent others from feeling hurt, only to realize that emotions are inherently personal and cannot be controlled externally.

3. Perception Isn't Your Responsibility

Jay discusses how others perceive us and the futility of trying to mold those perceptions. He illustrates that perceptions are influenced by myriad factors beyond one's control, including cultural backgrounds and personal experiences.

Quote: _"How people perceive you is the way they see the world." _([12:45])

He uses the example of Cirque du Soleil to demonstrate cultural differences in expressing appreciation, highlighting that understanding and accepting diverse perceptions can alleviate the pressure to perform for validation.

4. Fixing People's Problems vs. Offering Support

The host differentiates between supporting someone and taking on the responsibility of solving their issues. He warns against the temptation to "fix" others as it can inadvertently undermine their ability to develop their problem-solving skills.

Quote: "If someone is dependent on you to feel good, you have not helped them; you've actually hurt them." ([18:10])

Jay encourages listeners to provide support without overstepping, allowing individuals to take ownership of their challenges and fostering genuine growth.

5. Living Up to Others' Expectations

Jay addresses the pressure to meet external expectations, whether from family, friends, or society. He underscores that pursuing goals solely to satisfy others can lead to personal dissatisfaction and a loss of authentic self.

Quote: "The closer you get to living up to other people's expectations, the further away you are from yourself." ([22:00])

Through personal reflections, Jay illustrates the importance of aligning one's actions with personal values rather than external demands.

6. Handling How Others Treat You

The episode delves into the notion that individuals are not accountable for how others choose to treat them. Jay explains that others' behaviors often reflect their internal states rather than any deficiency in the listener.

Quote: "The way people treat you is not a reflection of you; it's a reflection of how they see themselves." ([26:50])

He advises listeners to recognize that managing others' moods and actions is beyond one's responsibility, promoting emotional independence and resilience.

Insights and Takeaways

Emotional Independence: Recognizing that others' emotions and actions are their own responsibility can lead to greater emotional freedom and self-care.
Healthy Boundaries: Setting clear and firm boundaries is essential for personal well-being and does not equate to being selfish.
Self-Validation: Relying on one's own validation rather than seeking approval from others fosters a stronger and more authentic sense of self.
Cultural Sensitivity: Understanding that expressions of emotions and appreciation vary across cultures can reduce misunderstandings and unrealistic expectations.
Empowerment Over Dependency: Encouraging others to handle their emotions and challenges empowers them and prevents unhealthy dependencies.

Conclusion

Jay Shetty's episode serves as a compelling reminder that personal well-being should not be compromised by the misplaced sense of responsibility for others' feelings and actions. By embracing emotional independence, setting healthy boundaries, and fostering self-validation, listeners can navigate their relationships and interactions with greater ease and authenticity.

Final Quote: "You're not responsible for someone's insecurity. You can't fix what's broken inside them. That's their work to do." ([34:50])

Jay concludes by encouraging listeners to share the episode's wisdom with others, emphasizing the collective benefit of understanding and implementing these principles.

Recommended Further Listening

If you found this episode insightful, Jay Shetty recommends tuning into his conversation with Selena Gomez on "Befriending Your Inner Critic and How to Speak to Yourself with More Compassion." This episode delves deeper into self-compassion and overcoming internal negativity.

Connect with On Purpose:

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Support: Click the follow button and leave a review to help spread the message.
Join the Community: Engage with Jay Shetty's transformative conversations aimed at fostering personal growth and emotional well-being.

Note: This summary excludes advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content sections to focus solely on the episode's core message and discussions.

Transcript

Jay Shetty (0:00)

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Podcast Host (1:26)

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Jay Shetty (2:47)

Jay Shetty Jay Shetty.

Podcast Host (2:48)

The one, the only Jay Shetty hey everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn and grow. I'm your host Jay Shetty and today we're talking about the things you're not responsible for. I don't know about you, but I feel like we all carry and feel responsible for more than we can hold. Sometimes the weight feels so heavy and we're trying to carry our parents expectations, we're trying to carry the responsibilities that we have on a day to day basis. We're trying to carry people's emotions and feelings and pain. And it could often feel like it's just weighing so heavy. And at the end of trying to carry all of this, you just feel like falling and breaking down. I'm sure you felt the same way where you feel like the weight you're carrying is getting heavier every single year. And the weight of people's expectations, opinions, obligations, whatever it may be, never, ever stops. In fact, it just continues to grow and accelerate as time goes on. As you listen to this episode today, I want it to be freeing. I want you to feel lighter. I want you to feel liberated. As you listen to this episode, I want you to feel like you can actually move and think and have space to create. Because what we don't realize is when we feel responsible for things that we don't need to be responsible for, we are blocked. Our creativity is blocked, our passions are blocked, our time is blocked. So much of our intuition is blocked because we're making space and room for everything else. So the first thing that I want to talk about, the first thing you're not responsible for, is other people's feelings. You can respect them, but their emotional reactions aren't yours to carry or fix. You can be kind to people, but people will still feel hurt. You can be present with people, but they can still feel distant. You can be thoughtful, but people will still feel unheard. You are not responsible for other people's feelings. I remember being that person where I would overanalyze every text, every every email, every message, every interaction, to say things perfectly, to say things in a way that there would be no opportunity for misinterpretation or fallout. And guess what? People were still upset. People were still hurt. Not because I wanted them to be hurt. If anything, I was trying to avoid that. But I found that I'm not responsible for other people's feelings. If someone wants to be hurt, they'll be hurt no matter what you say. If someone wants to be mad at you, they'll be mad at you no matter what you say. If someone wants to feel upset with you, they'll feel upset with you. No matter what you say or Do. If someone has made their mind up about how they feel about you, there is nothing you can do to fix it. You can be kind, you can be respectful, you can try. But you can't be responsible for their feelings. Because why? If you're responsible for their feelings, your time, your energy starts to follow theirs. If they're in a good mood, you're in a good mood. If they're in a bad mood, you're in a bad mood. If they're high energy, you're high energy. If they're low energy, you're low energy. Constantly we feel our highs and lows are mirroring the highs and lows of the person we're tied to. Often the hardest people to do this with is our parents. We feel responsible for our parents feelings. So when your parents going through something really, really difficult, maybe they're going through a transition, maybe they're going through a shift or a change. And all of a sudden not only are you constantly thinking about their feelings, you feel responsible for them. You feel it's your job to make today a great day for them. You try and change everything. You change your whole routine. You call them first thing in the morning, you put aside other tasks. And by the way, this is all well intentioned and it's a beautiful act of love. But what we don't realize is we haven't helped them develop the emotional skills and tools they need. You're trying to be a mood shifter, a mood changer for that person rather than putting the control in their hand. It's almost like saying, hey, I'll decide what to watch tonight. Hey, I'll decide what to order tonight. And sure it can be great to create that space in the short term, but long term, the goal is to equip that person with the ability to make choices about their own feelings. Trust me when I say this, this is not about being hard hearted. It's not about not caring. It's not about not loving someone you really, really love. It's about recognizing that real love is helping someone learn how to choose their feelings and emotions. You're not helping someone if you're debilitating them. You're not helping someone if they're dependent on you to feel good. If someone's dependent on you to feel good, you have not helped them, you've stalled them. Think about that for a second. If someone is dependent on you to feel happy, you have not helped them, you've actually hurt them. Because that means when you're not available, when you're not accessible, when you're not capable. When you don't have time or space, that person can't find that joy. I'm sure that's not what you want for them. So we don't want to feel responsible for other people's feelings. We want to feel connected in helping them, supporting them, being there for them, but not responsible. Because when you're responsible for it, you then take it into your own life and start to carry it. The second thing you're not responsible for is how people perceive you. You can say everything right and people will still think you're wrong. You can speak the truth and people will still think you're lying. You can try to explain yourself and people will still misunderstand you. You are not responsible for how people perceive you. They might base it off a first impression. Something someone else said, something they heard. If someone chooses to perceive you based on another person's opinion of you, that means they don't want to get to know you. Let me say that again. If someone bases their perception of you based on how another person perceives you, they don't actually want to get to know you. If someone told you that someone else was lazy, disorganized, and you take their word for means, you don't want to make the time or the energy to actually get to know that person. Because chances are, if you did get to know them, you might realize that just like all of us, they're lazy in some ways, but they're organized in other ways. So if we're using people as our shortcuts to learn about people, then guess what? We don't want to deeply get to know that person. So you're not responsible for how people perceive you, because people will perceive you through all sorts of ways. Think about this for a second. What's the one word someone would use to describe you if they saw you but didn't speak to you? Second question. How would someone describe you in one word if they spoke to you for a few minutes? Now imagine if someone spoke to you for a few hours. I'm guessing there's a big difference in how someone perceives you when they see you and don't speak to you when they speak to you for a few minutes and when they speak to you for a few hours. That's definitely true for me. Right? I feel like if someone saw me, they may have a certain perception. If someone spoke to me for a few minutes, they'll have another perception. And if someone spent hours or months or years with me, they'll have a different perception. How can you possibly be responsible for how people perceive you when the way people see you is the way they see the world? The way people see you is how they often look at themselves. The way people see you is how they felt seen or unseen in the past. The way people see you is based on someone else they met that was kind of like you. There are so many touch points as to how someone deciphers and decides how they perceive you. You could try and be really nice and someone will, they're trying too hard. You could be a little standoffish and people will say, oh, they're really distant and absent. You could try and be really interested and curious and people will say they ask too many questions. You could be a little more introverted and people say, oh, they suck the energy out of the room. How people perceive your silence is different. Some people perceive it as a strength, as a power, some people perceive it as a weakness. I really understood this when I lived in the monastery and we were exposed to this idea of humility. And humility was seen as the number one quality that humans could aspire for. But today, when people demonstrate humility, people often think of it as low self esteem or they think of it as low self worth. They don't value it. They value someone who's got a bit of swag, who's got a bit of confidence. But for the monks, humility is the greatest sign of confidence. The ability to accept what you know and what you don't know, to be honest about your strengths and your weaknesses, to be clear about what you're good at and what you're bad at. That's reality. But today we reward people who feel confident all the time, people who look like they have it all together. Perception is also different all across the world. And how we receive people's praise and perception is fascinating. I remember looking at a case study of the performance company Cirque du Soleil. You might have even heard of them, or you might have even been to see a show. In some parts of the world, when the acrobats would jump through a hoop, triple flip backwards, land on their feet, fall through a hoop of fire, the audience would go crazy. The audience would be applauding, praising, shouting, screaming, losing it. And the acrobats would feel acknowledged and seen. And in some other cultures around the world, the acrobats would finish a show and feel like they flopped, they'd feel like they failed. Why? Because the audience didn't clap as loud, the audience didn't shout as loud, the audience didn't scream as loud. But here's the fascinating thing about that. When Cirque du Soleil went and did some studies on this, they realized certain cultures don't show their emotions and their praise as expressively. Someone could be clapping like this and feel the same level of excitement as someone who's on their seat jumping and shouting. They actually had to train the acrobats to realize that different cultures express appreciation differently. Some cultures had the ability to be so expressive, to be so emphatic, to be so verbally congratulatory that they'd feel it. But they had to give the same performance when the audience didn't respond that way. This is one of the challenges about how people perceive us. If you feel responsible for how people perceive you, you will always be performing. You will always be on a stage. You will never feel you can take the mask off. You will feel like every word you say and every act and every thought and every behavior is under scrutiny. This is known as the spotlight effect, where you feel that your whole life is constantly being analyzed. So before someone else can analyze you, you analyze yourself. You filter yourself, you edit yourself, you overthink yourself. And now guess what? You get more and more distant from the person you are. You're not responsible for how other people perceive you. I couldn't be more excited to share something truly special with all you tea lovers out there. 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So visit Drink Juni.com today to elevate your wellness journey and use code onpurpose to receive 15% off your first order that's drinkjuni.com and make sure you use the code on purpose. The third thing you're not responsible for is fixing people's problems. You can offer support, but you can't solve it. You can be patient, but you can't take away their pain. You can be helpful, but you can't fix. The number one reason most of us want to fix other people's problems is. Is to make ourselves feel better. It's the harsh truth, but we all know it's real. I feel that way as well. I spent years trying to solve and fix people's problems. I cared for them, I loved them. I didn't want them to feel pain. What did I actually do? I stole their ability to solve their own problems. I took away their independence and strength to deal with what they were going through. I thought it was either or. Either I'm on the sidelines or I'm fully deep in there trying to save them, not realizing that it required a bit from them. It required them to find themselves. Now, this doesn't mean I need to hide from them. It didn't mean I need to distance myself from them. It means I need to understand the difference between support and solution. We need to understand the difference between focusing your energy and trying to fix. When you get lost trying to fix someone else's problems, you're rattling off all these solutions, all these multiple steps they can take, and maybe they'll be lucky if they can take it. What we don't get too often is the root of why they can't solve it. You could give someone all the best solutions in the world and they could still make no shift. Because what's blocking them is their own belief in themselves. What's blocking them is them worrying about what people think. What's blocking them is them worrying about how they're going to be seen, how they're going to be looked at. I was talking to a friend the other day and it dawned on me how many people are scared to put up a post or a video or a piece of content because they're worried about what their friends will think. You can fix their problem by solving it. Sending them all the videos, giving them advice, whatever it may be, but that's the root of their issue. You may have a family member who wants to be healthier and you're sending them everything. Here's the article, here's the podcast, here's the blog, here's the everything. And that person just feels overwhelmed by the information because what they need to do is take One step, not catch up with you. I was saying this to a friend this morning on a walk. We were talking about why it often feels like it takes people around us so long to understand us. And I was sharing this analogy with him. I said to him, it's like when you've just finished watching season four of an amazing show and you're telling all your friends, hey, you need to watch this show. It's amazing. I love it. It's incredible. And now they've got to spend all that time catching up. So you're at season four, you've finished it, and they're at season one. And not everyone is going to go on that journey with you. So you're not responsible to fix everyone's problems. You can only tell them what could work. But you can't fix it. That person has to watch the show, right? That person has to make the time. The person has to commit to all the episodes of the show. And that's entertainment, let alone growth. So I can't fix it. I can't solve it for you. You have to put in work. And often we'll sit there, and we'll just be sitting there going, how do I fix this? What do I do? What can I say? What can I do? What is the perfect thing? I can say, I used to have a client who used to say that to me all the time. He'd say, jay, you always say the perfect thing. Can you teach me how to always say the perfect thing? And I remember saying to me, I said, first of all, I don't always say the perfect thing. And if I do, it's because I'm present. It's not because I'm trying to say the perfect thing. You don't say the right thing because you're trying to say the right thing. You say the right thing because you're so conscious, aligned, and present in that moment that you can truly resonate with that person.