Once We Did Home Improvements | Episode 10

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Once We Did Home Improvements"

Once We Were Spacemen, Episode 10
Host(s): Nathan Fillion & Alan Tudyk
Date: January 14, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this light-hearted and unscripted episode, Nathan Fillion and Alan Tudyk reminisce about their shared history, their affection and frustrations with various homes and cities, the quirks of working in Hollywood, and a hilarious assortment of personal pet peeves, favorite gadgets, and bodily hygiene. The episode weaves stories of misadventures in haunted houses, the challenges of semi-retirement, and tangents about rebooting classic television shows, all delivered in their witty, self-deprecating banter.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Haunted House Hijinks & Personal Fears

• Alan recounts participating in an interactive haunted house show called "Delusion," describing a particularly terrifying segment involving creepy children.
  • "If a kid is going to come at me all creepy, spooky, they—I don't care what size they are. They got one up on me if they think they can come at me." (03:05 — Alan)
• Nathan and Alan share stories of embarrassing (and painful) reactions to jump scares and immersive theater experiences.
  • Alan: "I was scared so bad that one time that I went that I ran into the wall trying to get out of that room where that dead thing was. And I hurt my leg and hurt my arm." (02:16)
  • Nathan: "They set you off on a creepy crawler under a crawl space... You say, 'Well, I'm no jeweler.'" (03:33)

Life and Work in Vancouver & New York

• Alan opens up about living in Vancouver post-'Resident Alien' and how life there now feels like "soft retirement."
  • "It feels a little selfish. It feels a little like I should maybe be working a little bit more." (05:11 — Alan)
  • Both contrast the outdoor lifestyle of Vancouver with memories of tighter, less pleasant times in New York—highlighting the city’s challenges, like expensive and cramped apartments (08:05 onward).
• Nathan expresses warmth for Vancouver’s landscape and people but admits it's tough to stay through the rainy winters.
  • "I'm Canadian...Just the very landscape of Vancouver, between the mountains and the ocean and the trees and the green...just warms my heart." (09:13 — Nathan)

Hollywood Work Schedules and Industry Changes

• They examine how TV production has changed, from grueling 24-episode seasons to shorter, more precarious streaming formats.
  • "Now you're done with something every eight episodes..." (20:02 — Alan)
  • "The business is changing a lot and it's making it more difficult for people to make a living...they wanted to pay us less and less, pay these poor crews less." (20:11 — Nathan)
• Castle’s work schedule dominates Nathan’s memories, with nearly unmanageable hours.
  • "Once you started Castle... I disappeared from life for eight years." (16:38 — Alan)
  • "14 hours a day was the best I could possibly hope for... that show was terribly mismanaged until season eight." (16:58 — Nathan)

Childhood TV Reboots & Nostalgia

• Both fantasize about rebooting beloved shows from their youth:
  • Greatest American Hero (21:40 — Alan: "That's on my list too.")
  • Quantum Leap (23:08)
  • Simon & Simon (24:01)
  • Rockford Files (25:10)
• Nathan describes the thrill of chasing the dream TV adventure and reminisces about childhood TV memories.
  • "My dad would send us over to the TV again. Ok, go see what’s on channel three." (24:44 — Nathan)
• Alan highlights how storytelling and audience pacing have sped up over the years.
  • "Audiences now process at a higher speed... three seconds on Instagram:" (27:17 — Alan)

Technology, Gadgets, and Pet Peeves

• Alan and Nathan both confess to weird online shopping carts—fossilized pinecones, protein waffles, gadgets.
  • Alan: "A fossilized pinecone is in my cart right now. Also... Viking waffles." (33:54)
  • Nathan: "I'm a gadget guy...I love AirTags because I lose everything." (36:05)
• Pet peeves abound: The scourge of public speakerphone calls and loud phone conversations irritate them both.
  • Nathan vents: "If you believe holding it a foot away from your ear is going to protect you from radiation, you don’t know how radiation works." (28:36)
• Music in public hiking spaces, and generational shifts in public courtesy are discussed.
  • Alan: "I get into this thing of, like, I wish I hadn't... I'll beat myself up if I don't [apologize]." (31:19)
• They riff on home gadgets: portable bidets, folding measuring spoons, and more—often with hilarious tangents about bodily function.
  • "A portable bidet sounds like a sports bottle that has been repurposed..." (40:30 — Alan)

Hygiene Real Talk: The Wet Wipe Discourse

• Alan shares the Will Smith 'wet wipes' story (and how it later became a scene in Deadpool 2 with Matt Damon).
  • Alan quoting Will Smith: "Let’s say I just rub some shit on your arm...and I offer you something wet or dry paper—which are you going to use? The wet. Exactly—You got a stinky ass." (43:22)
  • "Ever since then I've been using these tucks..." (44:00)
• Nathan follows with a harrowing tale of a toilet-air-freshener/match mishap.
  • "He sprays it around... then throws the match down into the toilet, where it promptly explodes. Flame shoots out from every space available. A lot of it was between his legs." (47:01)

"Get to Know You": Odd Habits & Surprising Facts

• Alan’s petty limit: Will avoid coffee shops with doors that require a pull to exit ("I take it personally that they put their door on wrong." [49:35])
• Nathan’s “everyone-thinks-I’m-a-jerk” confession: Due to being hard of hearing in his left ear—stemming from childhood ear surgeries.
  • "A lot of people when they first meet me think I'm a jerk...But the fact of the matter is I'm hard of hearing. I don't have...hearing in my left ear." (50:04)
  • "Back in the day, if you had chronic ear infections...they performed a little procedure called a mastoidectomy." (50:49)

Strong Opinions on Weak Cookies

• Alan rails against macarons:
  • "Macaroon cookies. I do not consider that a cookie. It's not a cookie....They're like Beats headphones...like a Gap T-shirt." (53:24–55:18)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Nathan on the perils of haunted house shows:
  "If a kid is going to come at me all creepy, spooky...They got one up on me if they think they can come at me." (03:05)
• Alan on workplace self-sacrifice:
  "Once you started Castle... I disappeared from life for eight years." (16:38)
  "That show was terribly mismanaged until season eight..." (16:58 — Nathan)
• On the hustle of entertainment today:
  "Now you're done with something every eight episodes." (20:02 — Alan)
• On generational technology annoyances:
  "It radiates, motherfucker." (29:15 — Alan, on cell phone use in public)
• Classic Will Smith wisdom via Alan:
  "If I rub some shit on your arm, are you going to use something wet to wipe it off or dry paper?" (43:22)
• Nathan’s confessional, with technical medical detail:
  "No, it's archaic...they performed a little procedure called a mastoidectomy..." (50:49)
• Alan’s existential beef:
  "Macaroon cookies. I do not consider that a cookie. It's not a cookie...It's an affront to me." (53:24, 54:31)

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Important Timestamps

• Haunted House Stories: 01:48 – 04:43
• Life in Vancouver and New York: 04:49 – 09:49
• Hollywood Work Schedules: 16:38 – 19:19
• TV Show Reboots: 21:29 – 26:39
• Shorter Hollywood Attention Spans: 27:09 – 28:08
• Public Technology Pet Peeves: 28:17 – 32:46
• Etsy and Gadget Shopping: 33:32 – 39:09
• Portable Bidet and Measuring Spoon Digressions: 40:03 – 42:23
• Will Smith, Wet Wipes, and Deadpool 2: 43:22 – 45:05
• Bathroom Disaster Story: 46:08 – 48:07
• Get to Know You — Coffee shop doors: 49:31
• Nathan’s Deafness & Surgery Story: 50:04 – 51:49
• Alan’s Macaroon Rant: 53:23 – 55:25

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Tone & Style

The episode is filled with lively, honest, and irreverent banter, blending showbiz shop talk, self-deprecating humor, and everyday gripes. Nathan and Alan's camaraderie shines, and their candor about personal stories and professional challenges brings both laughter and insight for listeners.

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For Listeners: Why You Should Tune In

If you love behind-the-scenes Hollywood stories, personal confessions delivered with wit, and the peculiar things actors care about off-set, this episode brings you all of that—and then some. Fillion and Tudyk are a relatable, hilarious pair, offering a warm window into friendship, nostalgia, and the strange connective tissue of everyday life.

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End of Summary.

Transcript

[A]

Back in the day, if you had chronic ear infections the way I did, they performed a little procedure called a mastoidectomy.

[B]

Do they still do this?

[A]

No, it's archaic, and there's actually now a process by which to repair it. One time I tried to get it fixed, and it was a day surgery. So you're awake for this surgery. And as they're cutting into my ear canal, my tongue felt like someone was gripping it with a pair of pliers and trying to pull it out of my face. And I said, yeah, my tongue, my tongue. And he said, oh, there's a facial nerve that runs right by the canal here, and if I sever it, your face will drop on the left side. And he said, I don't think we should pursue this. I said, yeah, let's not.

[B]

Can I give you a second opinion on that? Yeah, give it a shot.

[A]

Alan said.

[B]

Once we were spacemen. Spacemen.

[A]

Spacemen.

[B]

I tend to play weird people, usually aliens and robots and things that don't have romance.

[A]

I once didn't get a job where they were looking for a Nathan Fillion type. Once we were spacemen.

[B]

Once we were spacemen.

[A]

And we're back. Welcome, Alan Tudyk.

[B]

Welcome, everyone, to another installment of Once We Were Space. Because once we were, we were space. And inside of that space were men. And that space that those men were in was space. We once were spaceman with Nathan Philly and Alan Tudyk. Hey, Nathan.

[A]

How you doing, buddy?

[B]

I'm good. Really good. Really good.

[A]

Catch me up. I haven't talked to you in. Well, I've been texting you back and forth.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Doing a haunted house.

[B]

This episode was recorded in October, saying.

[A]

That you and Carissa are not gonna be able to make it to. Yeah, that's unfortunate. There is this incredible show. It's called Delusion. And it comes once a year around Christmas. Christmas around Halloween time. It's like a haunted house, but it's like a play, but it's a participation play where you interact with the characters. It's not as scary as it is fun and funny, but every once in a while, you get a good jump scare in there.

[B]

I was scared so bad that one time that I went that I ran into the wall trying to get out of that room where that dead thing was. And I hurt my leg and hurt my arm.

[A]

And there is once in a while something that I find really creepy. They did one one year about, like, a. What was it? It was. It was a pandemic. It was. It was. It was a It was, it was post apocalyptic Earth after a pandemic. Topical, right? It was pre Covid.

[B]

It was respiratory, actually.

[A]

It was probably respiratory. And there was a. There was a part. We were. We were in a hospital and there was like the children's ward. And just before we went into the children's ward to find a clue of something we were looking for, our guide turned around and said, be quiet, we don't want to wait them. And I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. There's going to be kids in there. Like spooky kids, like creepy kids. That's where I cap out. Nope, nope, nope. The. The whole thing. La, la, la, la la. That kind of thing going on. And kids like standing down the hallway being creepy, like in the Shining, that kind of stuff. If a kid is going to come at me all creepy, spooky, they. I don't care what size they are. They got one up on me if they think they can come at me.

[B]

Yeah, because they're creepy, spooky and they've got special powers.

[A]

Supernatural something. Yeah, exactly.

[B]

Sharp little teeth.

[A]

But we attended one together. And you, Alan, I remember they set you off on like a creepy crawler. A crawler? Like a, Like a, Like a. The what? The mechanics used to go under a car, like a little rolling cart, and you had to pull yourself along under a crawl space. They said, what's. What is under there? And you said, oh my God, it's a. It's a body. There's a dead body. There's a body here. And then she said, is there something around her neck? Yes, yes, it's some kind. It's a locket. There's some kind of locket around her neck. She goes, okay, come back out, come back out. So you scramble back out and she. And she says, did the locket look like this? And she holds out her locket and you, you glare at it and you reach into your pocket and you pull out your glasses and you put your glasses on. You say, well, I'm no jeweler.

[B]

That's the one that scared the bejesus out of me.

[A]

And I couldn't, I couldn't make it. I couldn't make it after that. I'm scared. And now I'm weakened because I'm laughing so hard. And my ears, my eyes are tearing up so I can't see properly. I was at a disadvantage.

[B]

Well, it started. The thing started to decompose in front of us or something or somebody tried to get up or something. And that's when I ran out and got Hurt. That was a good time.

[A]

Well, you're not gonna make it. But I haven't talked to you in a little while other than these texts that we're flying back and forth. So.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What's happening? You're in Vancouver right now.

[B]

I'm in Vancouver right now. I'm in my favorite city and Carissa and I, this is where I moved to do Resident Alien and now we're here with no resident Alien and. And it's a little different. I gotta tell you, not to have a job here. It feels a little more like retirement.

[A]

And like, is that bad?

[B]

It feels a little selfish. It feels a little like I should maybe be working a little bit more. Like maybe. I mean, luckily, like, I can do recordings here. I can. I recorded the other day for a movie I'm doing, I can't talk about for like an animated movie. And for. I do that animated show, Grimsberg on Hulu. Selfish Plug. There needs to be music for Selfish Plugs. That one is just at least up that pop sound. That was my plug. My plug. Oh, my plug came out. I was doing Grimsberg and doing this movie I can't say the name of so I can work some. And I'm writing something up here. But it does feel a bit like, huh. You know, it's just real chill and my wife and I go and eat and we walk the dogs and go on hikes and it just feels like.

[A]

Does it feel like a soft retirement?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Like you're semi retired?

[B]

Yeah, I'm sim. There you go. I'm semi retired, which I think a lot of Hollywood feels right now. Did I accidentally retire? Sort of forced retirement. Soft retirement. Now it's starting to get cold, so it feels great. There's still warm days to come. It's not raining all the time. Once it turns winter, we're going to.

[A]

Get out of here. Because it's hard to be in Vancouver when it's raining constantly.

[B]

Constantly. And there's very little daylight. That's the. We're farther north, there's. So the days are get become very.

[A]

Short, which is why those. All those buildings downtown have floor to ceiling windows to try to maximize the amount of light you're going to get.

[B]

Huh? It is a wonderful, wonderful place. I love it most of all. Then after this, we're going to move to New York City.

[A]

That's fantastic. That's amazing.

[B]

It's huge.

[A]

New York is big in your heart.

[B]

It's scary. There's a song that I used to listen to and remember when I was Living in Venice when I first did Firefly. Living a great house in Venice.

[A]

Yeah. Look like a log cabin.

[B]

It's so good. Right there by the beach. And I used to listen to this song by Rosemary Clooney called Do youo Miss New York? And it's this great. It's. It's a dated song. Obviously. Rosemary Clooney was from, I think the 40s. And she sings this whole song about people who've moved from New York to Los Angeles specifically and saying, do you miss it? Do you miss going? Do you miss the hustle? Do you miss the. The rat race? And do you think you could make it there again if you went back? Do you still think you could hack it? And at the end of the song, she sings, do you miss New York?

[A]

Me too.

[B]

And it's this little moment of sadness because I missed New York a lot when I first moved to la. But there's also a sense in the song that she's never moving back. She misses it, but she's not moving back because it is a hard place to live. It's tough. It was tough when I lived there.

[A]

Space is at a premium in that city.

[B]

Yeah, you don't have as much space to your own personal space. But I think I have a little more money than I had when I left, so I have a leg up on that Allen that left because the.

[A]

Prices have gone up. Alan.

[B]

Yes, well, yes. I mean, I was in the situation when I was in New York City. That apartment that you got scared and ran out of with your girlfriend at the time because I had too many pieces of taxidermy hanging on the walls and too many embalming kits, maybe. And odd medical instruments bars on the windows.

[A]

Yeah, it seemed like a little bit like a basement torture chamber.

[B]

Anyway, you guys left in a hurry and we didn't know each other that well back then. And when I lived in that apartment, I actually had an illegal sublet that was only $300, something dollars a month. I know, it's crazy.

[A]

You couldn't afford not to live there.

[B]

I know, I. I did. And I kept it even when I moved to la for a long time. I had it until my friend who gifted it to me got a divorce and said, hey, I'm moving back. And so she took over her apartment again.

[A]

Here's something that warms my heart, Alan. I'm Canadian.

[B]

I knew that about you. I feel like I knew that about you.

[A]

I'm not from Vancouver, but I think Vancouver is just probably the most beautiful city that Canada has to offer. We have a lot of beautiful cities, but just the very landscape of Vancouver, between the mountains and the ocean and the trees and the green, and everybody's so outdoorsy. And it's an incredible city that you have taken to it so well. It just warms my heart.

[B]

Yeah, I love it. I'm surprised because you remember coming to visit me when I did irobot back in 2000, right after Firefly was canceled.

[A]

Like a year later.

[B]

You came to visit me twice. This is before you started solving all the crime.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

You came to visit a couple of times. And we hiked Mount Mohonk.

[A]

We.

[B]

We went out drinking a few times. We. Yeah, we were both swinging singles back there.

[A]

Yeah, but you were. You were kind of in your apartment saying, I don't know about the city.

[B]

What?

[A]

The city kind of. I don't know, I think it sucks here. I said, what? You're. You're in Vancouver.

[B]

What are you talking about?

[A]

I'll be right there. And I came down there and I dragged you out of the house and I said, look, we're going to go rent a boat. Hey, you have any boat rentals? Not till tomorrow. Copy that. Book me a boat tomorrow. Today we're going on a hike. Alan. We're going to go top of that. My God. Watch the top of that. That hike up there and nearly killed me because we did it.

[B]

Hung over. It's shocking that we were able to do that. Yeah, that's how young we were.

[A]

And there was. I don't know, I think we were like 3/4 the way up. And I hear someone behind me yell, on your left. And some 80 something year old man goes ripping past me and someone says, oh yeah, he's up here every day. Oh my God, Jimmy.

[B]

We all hate that guy.

[A]

And then we could take the gondola down, but you had to pay money. Thank God we had a wallet and we. We had brought a wallet up there with us. If we had to climb down, I don't know what I would have done. I'd have tumbled and taken a spill down that mountainside.

[B]

Yeah, it was not. It's called the Grouse grind. It's called the Grouse grind for a reason. It's very hard.

[A]

And by the time you get to the top, you're all sweaty and grouse.

[B]

Yeah, there is, though. And now I. The last time I did it at the top of the hike. Oh, wait, I'm thinking of a different hike, an even harder hike called sea to sky hike.

[A]

It takes three years I know that one. Yeah, I know that one.

[B]

It's a great hike, but at the top they have gluten free french fries. They got a committed gluten free fryer for all those gluten free people out there to finish the hike. And they're like, here, sit down, have some water and some french fries. You've earned them. It's just perfect. That's to me, that's Vancouver right there. It's very considerate. They know what you need. I didn't like it then, I like it now. I didn't like all the rules. I had problems with rules back then. I seemed to be always in the wrong when I was here before.

[A]

What were the rules? The Canadian rules? What were the.

[B]

I got kicked out of a party. I got thrown out of a party. Jewel Kaylee, at the time she lived in Vancouver and she's like, hey, there's a party at the blah didy blah house. It had a name like Casa Bonita. And she having grown up here was like, everybody knows Casa Bonita. It's this cool mansion. Exchange hands a couple of times. But right now it's owned by, let's say Jimmy Son and this guy named Claude because he was kind of a Claude. So a group of us went and the instructions were to bring a fifth of vodka. If you're going to come to the party, bring a fifth of vodka, would you? We had a few fifths of vodka. We brought, everybody brought them. There was like a sea of vodka and nothing else. No mixers, no.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

There was nothing to drink. You're like, what is this? And there was no real party. It was just a, like a little jam box, an old jam box out on a TV tray outside playing bad music. I was inside looking for something to drink and the guy's mom was there and she was so fun and so funny. And I talk with her, I talk with her and I was like, hey, is there anything that I can drink? Is there a beer? She said, I think somebody put a six pack of beer in there. So I went and oh, in the fridge there's six pack beer. Opened a six pack of beer. So I talk with mom. Having fun at the party. I played some bocce ball. I won some money. I won a few hundred dollars off of. People kept wanting to play me in bocce ball. I'd never played it before, a bunch of money. Everybody is smoking cigars outside. And I grabbed one and went outside. Next thing I know, the guy whose party is, is standing right next to me. And he's got his arms crossed. He stand over me. He goes, is that how you act when someone invites you into their house? You come and you steal their beers, and then you steal their cigars and you just smoke them in their face? I like, buddy, your mom said I could have a beer. Your mom, she's the one who told me you stole them. And that's my cigar from blah blah. Somebody gave it to me. Like, I am so sorry. I did not realize this was a special cigar. I am so sorry. I can give you money. I think you should leave. I look around, everybody at the party is pissed at me now. No one likes me. No one wants anything to do with me.

[A]

Wow. That is. That is so un Canadian.

[B]

It was not good, I'm sure. I. I just. It was bad. I left. I walked through the house smoking the cigar. Now that I did that. I did that because I was annoyed. And so I just smoked the cigar as I walked through the house. Straight through the house to the front door. And they told me I had to go out front. I had to leave and wait for my cab. And so I'm out front, and two of my friends are there to help protect me. They said, we're just getting out here to protect you. I'm like, from what? Like, the guys want to kick your ass. Wait a second. I must have been like, 31, 32. That still happens. Anyway, these two big guys came out, and one guy. I won some money off. I was like, if I knew you were such an. I wouldn't have given you that money. I said, hey, I won that money. Don't you shut up. And then they're like, we can do this right now. And then it almost went off.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And so I had to leave. And then the one thing, in my defense, they threw Jewel out, like, about an hour later, which. That's also. She stayed. Okay. That's. That's another. They threw me out, treating him like trash. He's like, I'm still checking out the house. I had situations. I was thrown out of a couple of places. But I think part of it was. It was bad timing. The city and me weren't. We weren't in sync.

[A]

You weren't jiving just yet.

[B]

No, I was too. I was too outraged.

[A]

Rambunctious.

[B]

I was. I had a lot of rambunctious in me, and I had to get it out.

[A]

You had bunks all rammed up in you.

[B]

It's just rammed so far. And so I'm glad. And you. It's. It's nice that you came twice. And then, you know, there was that period of time after Firefly, and I realized, like, we hiked all the time, we were always hanging out, and we really. That's when we became friends. During that time, those years just passed. Firefly, because you were working, but you weren't working consistently in any one thing except for the Housewives, the dangerous house Housewives ready to touch each other.

[A]

What is it called? Desperate Housewives.

[B]

They were desperate. They're desperate and dangerous because of it. Desperate Housewives, that was reoccurring. But again, you weren't. You didn't have. You weren't leading that cast. You didn't. You weren't always there. So we had a lot of time to hang out. But then when you started Castle, once you started solving crime, I disappeared from life for eight years.

[A]

14 hours a day was the best I could possibly hope for. They forced my call every day. Meaning usually you get a 12 hour turnaround. You don't have to go back for 12 hours. You get a time to go home, have dinner, sleep, reasonable amount of time.

[B]

But the union says that. The union makes sure that I would.

[A]

Have less and less time all the time. Yeah. That show was terribly mismanaged until season eight when Alexi Holly came. He was one of our writers. And for season eight, they said, okay, who would you like to see run the show? There was gonna be a change. And I said, well, you remember Alexei, because that's a guy who was always a straight shooter. And after he left Castle, he went on to run another show to great success. And I said, that'd be really lovely to see him back here. And he came and he ran the show and he dramatically improved the quality of my life. But I tell you, I had a lot of friends call me up and say, hey, are we okay? Like, are we good? Like, we don't see you, we don't hear from you. It's like I just had no life.

[B]

I feel like a lot of people, when you listen to actors talk about doing film and television, they'll say a lot of the time, well, it's a 12 hour day, but usually it's more. You can do more. And a lot of it's bullshit. A lot you. Yeah, but you have more time off than that. Usually you did not. You were like in everything, you were Castle. So you can't have a Castle without the Castle. You need a Castle.

[A]

I mean, it can be done. It just has to be managed correctly. It can be done. Yeah.

[B]

It your Saturdays, you were always Working Fridays so late that the Saturday.

[A]

So there's a time at home at 6am on Saturday. And now there goes my Saturday. And then you go to schedule around. So you're 6am on Monday. Right.

[B]

Film Facts.

[A]

Hollywood Secrets.

[B]

And then you go to five at night and the next day in it. But they push it. You don't actually stop five at the night if you're not managing your the time well on set you go all the way to six. So you do. Oh wait, you went to seven. So you did a 14 hour day that you still get 12 hour turnaround. So you go home and you don't come until seven, but then they push it again. Eight, nine. And then you do it again and again. And by the end of Friday you're well into your Saturday. And so that's what that is. You're just the 12 hour turnaround. Even though it seems like a lot it the time to get back home and all that stuff, it's really never enough. And you would go nine, ten months out of the year on that schedule, right?

[A]

Yeah, because we would do 24 episodes. Wasn't just a regular 22.

[B]

So most things are now. I just watched, I just watched that alien show. I think they were eight.

[A]

Eight episodes.

[B]

Eight episodes, yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Streaming's a different animal.

[B]

Well, the aliens are a different animal too. Which is so fun to watch.

[A]

Very true.

[B]

That little eyeball. This is one of the big things our business is sort of cool cratered a lot of people talk about. The business has changed so much. You used to do 24, although it was hard on, let's say you were playing a castle and a show called Castle. But for the crew and all of that, they could plan on a. A career of. And those things lasted eight years and they could just go and go and go and go and it would last all year long.

[A]

Now.

[B]

Now you're done with it. Now you're done with something every eight episodes.

[A]

Yeah. Harder to get consistent work. Yeah.

[B]

And you gotta get put together on a new crew and all of that. It's.

[A]

Yeah, the business is changing a lot and it's making it more difficult for people to make a living. And now, you know, of course with the strike and whatnot, it's because people, they wanted to pay us less and less, pay these poor crews less.

[B]

And I gotta say, this strike, the way that the strike is used a lot, I feel like maybe I'm just taking it personally. They'll say, well, with the changing, you know, just the way that streaming, the cost variables and profit sharing, blah, blah, blah. And the strike, there's a big retraction. It's like in the strike. The strike isn't something, you know, producers, they see that as a negative. But it wasn't just a strike for no reason. It was a strike saying, hey, you guys need to work this AI thing out. It wasn't an unreasonable thing that this bad thing happened. Oh, they'll say the pandemic and then the strike. Like, don't put us with the pandemic.

[A]

Well, the. The idea that we were put together with it is because work stopped. Right. You know, people were trying to get a fair working wage during the strike. That's like. Like, hey, man, the cost of living has gone up and people's paychecks should reflect that so we can live. But you know how that goes. Alan, if you could pick a show. We're talking about the industry now. If you could pick a show that you enjoyed as a young man to reboot for you.

[B]

For me?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What would you like to reboot? Like, hey, Allan, we're going to reboot a show. Whatever show you want. Let's. We're going to do it. Boom.

[B]

I got a couple.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Greatest American Hero.

[A]

That's on my list, too.

[B]

Oh, my God. For people who know it, who are of our age know, Greatest American Hero is about a guy who got us super suit.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Aliens came down and gave him a super suit.

[B]

But did he lose the instructions?

[A]

Yes. What he did was he had like a little manual. It was like an electronic manual book. And he like, boop, boop, boop. Pressed some buttons and he shrank and he was like next to boulders that were grains of sand. And he's like, oh, no, I don't know what to do. He hit some buttons, he put the book down. He's like, oh, my God, I'm holding his head Allen style. And then he grew. So it was. The instruction manual was super small down next to a grain of sand, and he can't find it. Right. So now he's got the super suit with no manual.

[B]

That's good. That's good. So he would fly terribly every time he flew, always out of control, careening.

[A]

Places and crashing into stuff.

[B]

Crash into stuff. He was a very undependable super person.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which I could. That would be. Yeah, you would do that. Well, as well. We have a certain amount of characters that we could cross over. Each of us play. That's one of them.

[A]

Well, that was that. There was that wonderful character. I just loved The FBI guy who was his. Who the kind of his partner in crime. Jeez, kid, you're driving me crazy. Remember that guy? I would love to play that guy. He was wonderful. I got to meet him. Okay, so that's number one, Greatest American hero. And you're. You're absolutely right on the money. I have so many. I tried to write that show back when I was doing Castle. Wow.

[B]

Quantum Leap. But they rebooted it, but I don't think they did it. I like the guy who they got, but they. I think there was more humor to it before, and they didn't have the humor as much this time around. So I used to really like. I loved that growing up. Quantum Leap.

[A]

I enjoyed that show playing different.

[B]

You know, it's. It's an interesting scopagula. You know, it's an interesting idea, jumping through time. Every time you tune in, you're going to get a new adventure. I like that about a show. That's why I think Firefly was so great, because you'd always get a new adventure. Every time, every week, a new job, a new whatever's going on.

[A]

That one.

[B]

How about you? What shows would you like to reboot?

[A]

Well, a show I think would be a great reboot, and I think it's pretty simple. Was also, I think, the very best theme song in television history, which was Simon and Simon.

[B]

Simon and Simon.

[A]

Two brothers, kind of diametrically opposed in style, but loyal to a fault to each other. And they were private investigators. And it just seemed like I was just. I mean, they were. They were based in San Diego. And, you know, here's me in Canada freezing my butt off watching the magic window that is the television and seeing these guys just having adventures every day where the sun never stops shining. And it left a real impression on me. And that was the only time I remember my dad saying, yeah, let's crank the volume on our little. Remember when tv, you had to go up to the TV and go turn that big dial to change the channel. Like we were the remote control. My dad would send us over to the TV again. Okay, go see what's on channel three. Now go back to five. You know, we were the remotes, but it had that one little knob for volume and that one little tiny speaker on it. And that's. We would crank that song. Simon and Simon and I just thought that was the greatest theme song. That was.

[B]

It's kind of. It's in the same kind of. Yeah. The team solving crime. What was the one about the guy, the classic One with James Garner.

[A]

Oh, yes.

[B]

Rockford Files.

[A]

I would love to reboot Rockford Files. Yeah, I would love to reboot. I. There was an episode of. First of all, he parked his car in his house. I thought that was super cool.

[B]

Second, that he parked his car at his house.

[A]

In his house. His house and his car. Like he lived with the car over there. Like, I just thought that was kind of cool. Unless I'm conflating that with another old 70s TV show where somebody. That's cool.

[B]

No, I.

[A]

You know, there was an episode that I'll never forget where a big guy was going to come and clobber James Rockford and he's like, oh, what do I do? And he slips into the bathroom and he looks around and he grabs the soap dispensers and he sprays soap all over the floor. And then he stands at the back of the bathroom and the guy comes in and goes, so I'm going to kill you. And he comes rushing at the change. He slip, bam. Cracks his head up on the floor, and James just hustles out the side and just gets out of there. That's my style of tough guy. Yeah.

[B]

You know, fight smart. You don't have to fight smart by fighting dirty.

[A]

I thought that was great.

[B]

Yeah, I watched one of those episodes recently. They move real slow. As audience members, we have all. We've come to move a lot faster with our story plots and things like that. I even watched Dodgeball. The last time I saw Dodgeball was, I don't know, a year ago or so.

[A]

But as I watch it, I cannot wait to go to this premiere of Dodgeball. I'm so excited, Nathan.

[B]

I keep. I've. I've explained to you. You were invited to the premiere of Dodgeball.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yes. You just couldn't go because you were working on Serenity.

[A]

Can't wait.

[B]

So Dodgeball, if you watch that, it even takes a little extra time of a setup. But in Hollywood terms, you would say act one. It has a lot of act one setup for stuff.

[A]

Hollywood secrets. Do you think that audiences now process at a higher speed?

[B]

God, yes. And they also eject you at a higher speed. They say it's three seconds on Instagram. Three seconds. Three seconds. Three seconds. 3 seconds. And then just keep going.

[A]

The scrolling. Yeah, the scrolling. Dopamine hit. They say, you know what, if you've learned something during the day when you convert it from short term memory to long term memory, that happens just before you go into REM sleep. So if you are to learn something throughout Your day and then you go and you grab your phone and you start scrolling. You will effectively erase what you've learned. What? Because it'll never get converted from short term to long term memory. Do not scroll. If you've learned something during the day that you need for the following day.

[B]

Don'T scroll because it's like erase, erase, erase, erase.

[A]

Your mind will convert what it last experienced and that's your scrolling. You'll commit that to long term and.

[B]

That is the worst scrolling that experience is. So it's such a bizarre mix of things.

[A]

Yeah, it's one of those things where technology, technology has advanced at a rate faster than we can. Here's something, here's. I cannot stand it when someone lets their speakerphone rock in a public place.

[B]

Okay, this is going to be Nathan's picking a bone.

[A]

Bone to pick, folks. I have no interest in your conversations coming over a tinny little speaker at full volume where you're yelling because you assume they can't hear you. And they're yelling because they assume you can't hear them because you're both on speaker. If you believe, say, oh, well I don't want that radiation in my head. If you believe holding it a foot away from your ear by holding it in front of your mouth is going to protect you, that one foot is going to protect you from radiation. You don't know how radiation works.

[B]

It radiates, motherfucker.

[A]

Oh, it'll never get from here to my head.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Yeah. It's the whole thing of letting your phone ring in a restaurant and then you pick the most annoying old timey phone ringing sound that there could possibly be. And then you're glaring at your phone going, should I answer this while it's ringing in a restaurant? Guys, where have you been? Like at what point do you ah, you think you're the main character here? And it's like getting on a plane and having your bare feet up on the seat or something like that. Come on, get out of here.

[B]

That's a new bone picking. I think there should be a little bit of banjo because it's bone to pick and it's picking. Time to get picking. I one time was on a hike and There were these two young ladies, I would say possibly in their early 20s and they were walking up the hike and there's very little people around. I go there for the nature and they're playing some song very loud and it's not, it's just a very loud song. And as I walk I'm annoyed and I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed. And I walk by them and I go, could you. I mean, it's just going. The music is so loud, and it's bothering me. And I. And they both look at me like, what's. What's happening? I think they were high, but the look on their face was such bewilderment. I heard myself being the guy who is a little bit of a. Get off of my lawn.

[A]

Yeah, the curmudgeon. The old man. But you're being forced into that. Like, what's. What is your malfunction when you think, hey, I want to hear this music on this tinny, crappy, little tiny phone speaker, and so does everybody else. Well, at what point do you think that this is anybody else's interest? Everybody came up here to listen to your crappy phone.

[B]

My fear is, well, see, this is what it did to me. Well, let me. I could just. Like, after I walked away from them, I was just walking up to the Hollywood sign and back. So I was going. Doing that straight up, and then back down I went up. All I was thinking about was what I had just said to these girls and was, I wish I hadn't. I just feel bad.

[A]

I just.

[B]

I get into this thing of, like, I was my play, you know, what? If I had just walked by them, the sound would have just faded, and I wouldn't be thinking about them anymore. I could just keep going. And so then I'm like, I have to apologize. When I'm doing that, when I feel like just hemming and hawing over, I know that I've done something that I. If I apologize, I'll feel better. So I come back down, and there they are. And I hear it coming. I hear the music, and I get up to him and I'm like, hey, both of you, I'm so sorry. I was. I was grumpy earlier, and I apologize. And they looked at me with the same bewildered look, like they were meeting me for the first time. Yeah, cool, man. Like, they didn't care who they had already written it off as. Who knows, man? I'm stoned. Like, this isn't about you, old man. It made me feel good, made me feel good, and I walked away. I have a brain that if I am able to hold my tongue, I do a lot better in the long term because I'll beat myself up if I don't.

[A]

And.

[B]

And when I beat myself up, I'm really. I'm really good at it. I know where my shot. I know where to.

[A]

I just I, I like having, I don't like having any recourse. It's like you're going to be out here, you do something that just ruins my day. I think there should be some sort of recourse. Something that makes you go, oh, man, there's a consequence for behaving this way. Squirt gun. Something where I can go. Yeah. How do you feel about that?

[B]

I think you've been playing cops is what it is. You've been solving crime for so long, it's now bleeding into your life.

[A]

I have an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. Not vengeance, justice. I'm gonna say justice. And I think that's from reading so many comic books when I was a kid.

[B]

You're in the justice gang. I mean, my God, you were the leader of the justice gang.

[A]

If you were to ask me. I was.

[B]

Yeah, it makes sense.

[A]

Alan, do you shop online?

[B]

Not so much, I guess. I don't shop on Amazon, I shop everywhere.

[A]

Do you have like a. Maybe on ebay a cart, like where you put things but you haven't purchased them?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You're saved for later. Yeah.

[B]

Etsy.

[A]

On Etsy. What kinds of things are on your save for later Etsy cart?

[B]

Well, obviously today it's a pine cone, but it's a real specific. It's a fossil, a fossilized pine cone.

[A]

It's where.

[B]

Yeah, it's where Agate has replaced the pine cone and you can buy. I found one on Etsy. You can buy it. So I have that there.

[A]

You kind of have a thing, Alan, like things that were alive once.

[B]

I, I have a connection to pine cones. I don't know, I like pine cones a great deal. I don't know. They're a cool seed. They kind of, when they're big, they look a little bit in the shape of the actual big pine tree. So it's a imprint, but they're seeds of an imprint of its parent.

[A]

And like you, they're activated by fire.

[B]

Yeah, I don't know. There's the Christmasy nature of a pine cone and I just, I like me a pine cone. A fossilized pine cone is in my cart right now. Also in a different cart somewhere are some Viking waffles. Because Viking waffles, who's not one of our sponsors, by the way, get viked. Viking waffles, they are protein. It's like a protein waffle so it tastes like a waffle. And if you don't use syrup, you use maybe a non sugar syrup or something. It's. You're Eating waffles without it being as fattening. It's just a. It's a protein thing.

[A]

It's no carbs.

[B]

It's very few carbs. It's very few carbs. Yeah. So those are magic to me. And it's my favorite breakfast thing. And I'm actually leaving for Boston to go see my sister for a week. And I'm sending some waffles there so I can have them there. That's how much I like me these waffles I can't just have at home.

[A]

Where I go, we know what kind of protein is in these waffles. Is it plant based protein? Is it a fish based protein?

[B]

It tastes like bone marrow. There's a lot of. A lot of. A lot of gristle. A lot of gristle in these waffles.

[A]

Delicious sounds. I mean, I'm sold. I'm ordering them now.

[B]

I can't tell if it's in the waffle or the syrup I've been using, but there is a lot, a lot to chew that just. You'll chip a tooth on these things. Yeah, it takes a while. I don't know. You know, I should know. I'm gonna say pea protein. I don't know. I'm definitely not losing any weight, but I feel when I eat them, I'm full for a long time. Those are the two things in my shopping carts right now. How about you, Nathan Fillion?

[A]

You know, I'm a gadget guy.

[B]

I know you are.

[A]

I love the gadgets. Yeah. I love, like, the thoughtful kind of. Oh, hey, if that works, that's gonna be great.

[B]

Yeah. I see things and I think of that. That's a Nathan thing.

[A]

Like, I'll test a lot of products and I say, oh, this one's great. And it's small, so I'm gonna get 10 of them and they'll be like stocking stuffers at Christmas time, you know?

[B]

This is for people who know Nathan. Nathan facts. Nathan. When you go over to his house, you can never leave with just. He can't just walk out the door. He's got all of these parting gifts that he gives you. And this would be the different mass purchases of things.

[A]

Yes. One thing I've been looking at and put on like a Christmas list to buy later is a little battery compartment. So it's a little battery brick. You put a couple AA's in there and you drop an air tag in it, and it'll power the air tag for 10 years. I love air tags because I lose everything and I Want to spend my time looking for them so I'll have an airtag on it. But every once in a while, I was like, oh, I got to replace that battery on an air tag. Well, this makes it a little bigger, but if it's something you don't want to worry about 10 years.

[B]

Wait a second. I'm picturing something the size of a brick that you build a house with.

[A]

No, Think of something that's like the size of a toothbrush box. Like a box for a toothbrush. Maybe a little bigger. Okay. Smaller than a glasses case. Like, two of them might. Might be the same.

[B]

Like a rat coffin. A coffin for a rat.

[A]

Maybe a mouse. Mouse coffin.

[B]

Mouse coffin. Okay.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. So I love the air tags. Air tags I've given as gifts in previous years. So now you just throw them in one of these little devices. Now, their air tag is good for 10 years.

[B]

What are you tagging these days? Your wallet?

[A]

Absolutely. As my wallet has a tag. I have a bag that I carry on set that has a tag. I have a tag in my luggage. I have a tag that I'll bring with me on vacation. So when I have, you know, I have a rental house of some kind, I don't want to lose the keys. I have, like, a keychain that's for vacation keys. Cool. Just a little clip it on. If I have a rental car, I clip that on. So all the keys are always. I always know where they are.

[B]

Wow. I just lose. I lost my wallet not too long ago. It's been a hell of a time getting everything.

[A]

Yeah, I can't deal with that kind of stress, man. I'm going to send you something for your wallet. It's like a little card. It's an air tag, but it's a card size and just charge it up. Yeah, good for.

[B]

Because the air tags were too thick in my wallet, so I took it.

[A]

But this is an air tag, but it's a wallet card size. I'm going to send it to you. I love it.

[B]

Excellent.

[A]

You know what else I got in here is. Oh, gosh. Okay. This is something. My brother won't hear this, so this is great. He's not going to hear this until later, I'm sure. You're in your car and you're drumming along to music on the steering wheel.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

This you clip onto your vent. It's a hi hat. It's a symbol. You can hit it.

[B]

This is. See, this is. This would definitely. I feel like you would be shopping for things that you could as Seen on tv. Yep. Or Sky Mall, where you. Were you a big Sky Mall shopper?

[A]

Yes. That part of my flight was always a big hit. I liked the Sky Mall. I never order anything from there. No. But I love to fantasize. The back of the comic books. Used to have this, like, if you subscribe to this magazine, or I think it was if you sold magazine subscriptions, you could win these prizes and had all these X ray glasses.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

A submarine made of cardboard.

[B]

Yes. A ghost that would fly.

[A]

Yes. The flying ghost.

[B]

The.

[A]

The book safe. Those types of things. I used to. Yeah, I used to fantasize about all those little products. Smokey fingertips. Remember those? Yeah.

[B]

So you were a real comic book guy.

[A]

Had a comic book rack in my. My room.

[B]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Kind of spins like a little.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Merry go round. I was gonna say lazy Susan, but I feel like we beat up on Susan a lot.

[A]

She's just on our.

[B]

Lazy. It's rude.

[A]

It's rude. It's lazy. It's lazy. A portable bidet.

[B]

That's your portable bidet?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. I haven't tried it. I'm looking at it online. It looks like it's smaller than a. Like a. Like a small water bottle, but you put water in there and it's got a little nozzle that unfolds from there and you just kind of reach under there and you give yourself a little squirt.

[B]

I don't know, man. This sounds like.

[A]

You know what? I don't know about the dry wipe.

[B]

No, I know. Me.

[A]

It's not. Okay.

[B]

Me either. But I've got my own solutions and not something that I'm squirting. This sounds like a. A portable bidet. Sounds like just a sports bottle that has been repurposed or with.

[A]

I think it's an electric. I think it's electric. So it's got a little pumpkin.

[B]

You just get an enema. At this point, they've got these Fleet enemas made by Fleet. You just one. Just a few inches further.

[A]

You know very well that that's not gonna. That's the internal mechanism. I don't. I don't have any problems with the. With the flow.

[B]

Right. That's not going to clean up a mess. That's going to make a mess.

[A]

Right?

[B]

That's going to make a mess.

[A]

Yeah. I want to be clean after. That's just one of them. And then there's another one. It's a. It looks like a piece of silicone with, like, grooves in it that you fold it up. And it becomes a measuring spoon. And if you fold it like this, it's a teaspoon. If you fold like this, it's two teaspoons. If you fold like this, it's a tablespoon. If you fold like that, it's half a cup. That kind of thing.

[B]

And that's for the bidet. You're putting that on your ass?

[A]

Yes, Alan. And yes, it has to use the exact amount.

[B]

Oh, that was a full cupper. I got a holy. Let me fold this one. Geez.

[A]

I have people that in my family that cook, and I don't know if you've. I don't know how much you cook, but having measuring spoons is a giant pain in the butt. It's just. It just is, because you lose.

[B]

You lose the one you need.

[A]

If you separate them to use them properly, you never put them back together. Now you're like, oh, where's that half teaspoon go to?

[B]

Right?

[A]

You know, that kind of thing.

[B]

When I cook, it's all feel.

[A]

I feel, yes, yes. I am jealous of that Jewel. Jewel cooks like that. She's. She's like a master in that. I'll put in a little bit of this. And it's about like that. Yeah, yeah. Here's a teaspoon. It's about like that. She's fantastic at this. I can't operate like that. I can't be held responsible.

[B]

Yeah, you need to get this folding thing that you're talking about. I need more of a periscope on that bidet just because I just need options. I can go forward, I can go back. I just can get it where it needs it. The portable bidet. Here's a little. Here's a little film fact. Film facts. When I did Irobot. Oh, that's also. If we could drop that plug, please. Oh, thank God that's out. When I did Irobot, Will Smith said to me, alan, hey. And so this is 2004. I've been on the. On the wet wipe situation. He said, alan, we wipe with dry paper. And I said, or with a wet towel. I was like, why are you talking about a dry paper? Whatever's right there. And he's like, okay, great. So let's say I just rub some shit on your arm, okay? He's like, and I offered you something that's wet to wipe it off or dry paper. Which one are you going to use? I was like, the wet. He's like, exactly. You got a stinky ass.

[A]

I'm telling you.

[B]

Got a stinky Ass. Right now, if you're using dry paper and what you need to use is tucks and tucks because they're small, they're a little round. They're made for people who have. Get hemorrhoids is sort of one thing. They got witch hazel on them, but they're. They.

[A]

Oh, sounds like that was sting.

[B]

I guess if you've got open wounds or anything down there. But other than that, it's just.

[A]

Isn't that what it. That's what it is down there. It's an opening.

[B]

Well, it's. Yeah. If you've seen the commercials, they put out a match with it, so it's cool.

[A]

So.

[B]

After you put out a match, you can use it to wipe off your butt hole. And anyway, he gave me this. This thing. And then you use a little dry paper and he gave me some. And ever since then I've been using these tucks again. Not a sponsor. Not a sponsor. But you can be. Because they're small, they don't clog up the pipes and. But here's the. Here's the film fact. When I was in Deadpool 2. Get that pluck. Thank you. When I did Deadpool 2, I had a scene with Matt Damon, and he basically gave the same speech that Will Smith gave me. His character says, now what you gonna do? We were just playing two good old boys, and he's in like a big, big, heavy. He doesn't look like him.

[A]

I remember this scene. Yes.

[B]

Yeah, he looks like a lot fatter, heavier. And I looked like Tucker from Tucker and Dale. It's an interesting casting. I was happy as hell just to.

[A]

Be there when I first saw that scene. I had wondered if you had just given him the Will Smith speech. When I saw that scene.

[B]

No, I. I know. It was. It came.

[A]

It was spontaneous. It came right from him.

[B]

It came from. It came from the writers. And I. Wow. Then, hey, I had this same speech given to me by Will Smith, and they were like, oh, so I guess it's not that original. I was like, no, no, no, no, it works. It works. Keep the speech. I don't want to trash your speech, but it's weirdly identical to the speech I got.

[A]

So listen, first of all, I want to say how happy I am that you're so very open about this. I am reminded of a story. A good friend of mine who sadly passed away told me this story. He has a brother who could not bring it to himself to pass gas in front of his own wife. He was one of these guys who's very kind of tight about that stuff to the extent that he wouldn't go to the loo in the same. Like there was if the bedroom had a bathroom connected to it. He wouldn't go in there if his wife was in the bedroom. Now, all of them as a family are attending a.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Very, very clenched. Can't be healthy.

[B]

Either that or maybe he just had some really stank.

[A]

Anyway, go on in this story. Everybody's attending a wedding and they're all staying at one house. And during the evening, my friend's brother comes knocking on his door and he wakes up and says, what's going on? He goes, I just need to use your bathroom. Cause he can go in front of his brother, but he can't go in front of his wife. He goes in there to do his business. The next thing my friend hears is this horrifying scream. He runs in to find his brother kind of fetal on the floor, but holding everything. His whole undercarriage. He's holding it and he's crying. He's not good. He's. He's. He's. Something terrible has happened.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

As they get the story, he is in there having done his business. He grabs some air, spray some. Some, you know, freshener, sprays it around the room, and while he's still sitting on the toilet, gives it a spray into the toilet itself, you know, underneath him, and then lights a match and waves it around a little bit and then throws the match down into the toilet, where it promptly explodes. Flame shoots out from every space available. And a lot of it was between his legs. And so there was some burning, some burnt stuff. There's some sensitive skin down there, Alan.

[B]

Yeah, it's very sensitive. This isn't what killed him. He said he's not with us.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

The brother. The brother survives to this day. The friend who related the story is the fellow who passed.

[B]

Oh, I see. I see.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it was his brother who did it. Wow, that's very sensitive. And you know, hair stinks when it's burned.

[A]

Yes. Now add to that.

[B]

This is a whole new level stink.

[A]

What are we gonna call. What are we gonna call this episode? Thus just talking about absolute nothing.

[B]

Shits and grins.

[A]

Shits and giggles.

[B]

Shits and giggles. There we go. Shits and giggles with Alan Aiden. All right, buddy. Do you have a thing a getting to know you? Yeah, I know you and you know me. Let's get to know you better. Hey.

[A]

All right, Allan. Well, let's. I just. I just finished the story, so let's go with yours. What is your get to know you better? Something I don't know about you, Alan? Me? Tell. Tell me. I want to know you better.

[B]

I like coffee. I like coffee. You know that about me. I love, I love it a little. I love it. I will avoid a coffee shop. I don't think you know this about me. If the door to enter is push to go in and pull to go out, I take it personally that they put their door on wrong. They put it on wrong. You can't. Because what ends up happening is I go in and I get three coffees. Two for me, one for my wife and I gotta get out of the door and now I gotta pull it. To me, it seems very short sighted, if not cruel. And if you've got that door situation, there's other options. There's other places I can choose, and that's the one I'm gonna go to.

[A]

You will go out of your way to avoid the pull door on the exit.

[B]

I can't do it. I think it's wrong and I think there's probably some people out there who are with me. That's just bad planning.

[A]

That's something I never knew about you.

[B]

Not interesting, but it is something I never knew about you.

[A]

I. Here's what's interesting. I. I enjoy learning your limits. Like. No, that's where I draw the line.

[B]

Yeah, that's it. I had another one. I don't remember it. You got. You'll have to do yours.

[A]

Okay. A lot of people when they first meet me, Jewel State said this. A lot of people when they first meet me think I'm a jerk. What?

[B]

Really?

[A]

Because I ignore them.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah. I ignore them entirely. When they say something, I'll ignore them entirely. They think I'm being a jerk. But the fact of the matter is I'm hard of hearing. I. I don't have. I have very little to no hearing in my left ear. Has been this way since I've been in second grade and throughout my life. I've met people who say, you know, when I first met you, I thought you were a real jerk because I said hi and you just ignored me. And I say, oh, were you on my left side? Yep. Yeah, I'm deaf in that ear. What? Yep. And now who's the jerk?

[B]

Wow. So what happened in the second grade?

[A]

Back in the day, if you had chronic ear infections the way I did, they performed a little procedure called a mastoidectomy where they basically push your eardrum down and remove all the infected stuff. Behind it, creating a giant cavity. But there goes all the connective tissue between your eardrum and your cochlea. So I have no connective tissue back there. So I have very little to no hearing in my left ear.

[B]

Do they still do this?

[A]

No, it's archaic. And there's actually now a process by which to repair it. And the House Institute is here in Los Angeles, one of the places I went to go see if I could get it fixed. And I told him about this one time I tried to get it fixed. And as they were, it was a day surgery. So you're awake for this surgery. And as they're cutting into my ear canal, my tongue felt like someone was gripping it with a pair of pliers and trying to pull it out of my face. And I said, yeah, my tongue. My tongue. And he said, oh, there's a facial nerve that runs right by the canal here, and if I sever it, your face will drop on the left side. He said, I don't think we should pursue this. I said, yeah, let's not.

[B]

I. Can I give you a second opinion on that? Yeah, give it a shot.

[A]

Alan said, I think.

[B]

I think you can make it push through. Just. Yeah, get some. Get some anesthesia and power through.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Wow, that's weird.

[A]

Also, so I do different things to, you know, accommodate for that. You know, I can still hear great out of my one ear, but I might. I prefer you be walking on my right side. I prefer that I can see your mouth while you're talking. It's a little easier for me. I tend to talk out of the right side of my mouth because I'm talking to the ear that can hear. And then I'll watch something like, I did a voice for Cars 3, and they videotape your face as. You know, they videotape your face to kind of capture some performance. My character in Cars 3 talks out of the right side of his mouth the way I do.

[B]

You're the mayor. Oh, no. Oh, I'm thinking of monsters. I'm thinking monsters. Great. Cars 3. I gotta check that out. I can't wait to get the invitation to the premiere.

[A]

You were there anyway.

[B]

I feel. I feel like I didn't give you a whole. That was a great one, man. That was a great one. I didn't give you. I didn't give you great insight into me.

[A]

Oh, thanks. Do you like that one? That was good.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, That's.

[A]

That's.

[B]

Well, I've known that. So. I learned two things. I learned that people think you're a dick. Which I didn't. I haven't heard. And also how that happened, I've never known. I. I know to always, you know, I walk on your right side and all of that, but I didn't know the other stuff.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

Okay, Nathan, this is something you might know about me. Macaroon cookies. I do not consider that a cookie. It's not a cookie.

[A]

That's that little sandwich thing, right? That little.

[B]

Yeah, little sandwich thing.

[A]

Yeah, I'm not into those.

[B]

That's not a cookie. Needs to be flatter. It needs to be round. Needs to be full of good stuff. Those macaroons, those things I believe are family to cotton candy. They're mostly air. It's just sugar and air and some kind of French magic there.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

I don't even know. Maybe made by a rat hiding in a chef's hat. I don't know who makes that crap. But they're all freaky colors and they seem cheap, like swatches.

[A]

They're so popular people.

[B]

I don't know. But they're gluten free. So I get pushed these things a lot because I'm. I can't eat that stuff. And so we like, well, here, have a macaroon. It's a cookie. It's not a cookie. It's a lie. It's a lie and it's an affront. I find it. It's an affront to me. It's. It's an insult to my face saying, here, here's a cookie. No, that's not a cookie. It's a promise. It can't be kept.

[A]

So.

[B]

Jesus, I'm a little. I'm a guy. Some strong feelings about the Mac.

[A]

Yeah, listen, I don't like him either, but I don't feel betrayed.

[B]

I'm betrayed by these things, man, because so many times I have gone. You know what? Maybe I was wrong. Let me give it another shot. That is a pretty color, blue for a cookie. What the hell? Cookie shouldn't be blue, man. No, no. And then I'll eat it and I'll get. Go through the same experience all over again.

[A]

Yeah. I won't deny they look beautiful in presentation. It's. It's incredible seeing them packaged, seeing them arranged on a little platter, but always a disappointment.

[B]

They're like Beats headphones or something. They're like the way they come in those colors. It's like a Gap T shirt. You can get it in all these different colors.

[A]

Yeah, but Beats Headphones. You can count on for to be good.

[B]

Yeah, they have a purpose. Macaroon's got very little purpose. It's a sugar hit. I feel bad for anybody who, you know.

[A]

Macaroons. Stop wasting Alan's time.

[B]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. So know that I know you and you know me. Let us get to know you better. Yeah.

[A]

Well, buddy, always a pleasure.

[B]

Yeah, man. Oh, my God. Thank you for listening. You just bless you your heart. You know what? If you haven't yet, why don't you head on over to our Patreon? You're gonna get some bonus content. That's extra content. They're longer episodes. There's more there. You know what's better than less? More. You also get a chance to get your hands on some incredible crap. The kinds you don't need to wash off after you're done. And if you love the show, please leave us a review and tell your friends. Once we Were spaceman is a collision 33 production. The hell that is. The show's produced by Michelle Chapman, Siobhan Holman. Oh, yeah. And Josh Levy. I wear them jeans. He is of collision 33. It's all starting to make sense. It's edited and mixed and produced by Resident Records, with special thanks to Courtney Plumquist and Adam Town Self. Our theme music's done by Carlos Sosa. The group Flying Horns Guy. Yeah. And Joshua Moore. Artwork is done by Lewis Jensen. Until next time. I swear to God, I love you. Get off of my lawn.