Nathan Fillion (2:00)

Yeah, the enemy of good is better. Somebody told me that once.

Alan Tudyk (2:03)

But isn't better better than good?

Nathan Fillion (2:05)

But you keep chasing it. If you have it, if you've got it right, why chase it?

Alan Tudyk (2:09)

Well, in work it's always. There's always room for better. Maybe that's setting yourself up for failure and a life of unsatisfactory wins. Like, even if you win, you're like, could have been better.

Nathan Fillion (2:21)

That's, I think, a good lesson in life.

Alan Tudyk (2:23)

How you doing, buddy? I'm doing. I'm better.

Nathan Fillion (2:26)

There's many places you could possibly be. Tell me where you are right now. I don't recognize the room behind you.

Alan Tudyk (2:31)

This is Los Angeles in my Los Angeles home. Now that there's going to be a little video piece to this, I think I need to set up something a little bit more lovely right now. It's just obviously a room at my house.

Nathan Fillion (2:43)

I have a room for this. You know I do. I have a room for exactly this.

Alan Tudyk (2:47)

Yeah.

Nathan Fillion (2:48)

With incredible lighting.

Alan Tudyk (2:49)

Is that where you are right now?

Nathan Fillion (2:51)

No, I'm in my theater. I'm in the little. I see the theater. It's a little room that I have a TV in.

Alan Tudyk (2:57)

That's a good way to do that. And everybody out there. If you have a room with a TV in it, start calling it your theater. It feels better.

Nathan Fillion (3:04)

Call it the cave. There's some. It's like somebody gave me some wooden cutout letters up there on the wall. It's just the cave.

Alan Tudyk (3:11)

How do you differentiate it from your cave? Because, I mean, I'm in my cave most days.

Nathan Fillion (3:17)

Do you have a man cave? Do you have like a den? Do you have like a little room that's just for Alan?

Alan Tudyk (3:22)

Actually, I do. Well, downstairs.

Nathan Fillion (3:24)

That little dungeon room.

Alan Tudyk (3:26)

It does have a very dungeony feel. It could be a cave. It didn't belong. It didn't come with the house. It was built into the house by myself and more importantly, my friend Billy, who was a contractor at one time in his life and knew what he was doing. I just supplied tequila and the wood and cement. I helped a lot, but he knew how to make it work.

Nathan Fillion (3:50)

I remember the door on that room is not a true door size.

Alan Tudyk (3:55)

No, it's small again, really reinforcing.

Nathan Fillion (3:58)

It's a dungeon room because it has that little. That little door.

Alan Tudyk (4:02)

You'll hit your head on it. I wanted to put some of those little western doors, you know, I wanted to do a western door thing because, you know, you only see those. Where do you see them anymore? They used to have them in porn in like video shops. There'd be like a couple of western doors in the back. You're like, what's back there? They're like the porn. And that was the only place where western doors got relegated to just seedy little back rooms of porn shops.

Nathan Fillion (4:31)

Oh yeah. Don't some restaurants still have those kind of swinging saloon doors for the to go to the kitchen?

Alan Tudyk (4:39)

I hope so. I hope so. There was one in Texas called the Feed Bag. It was a hamburger place. It had western doors and I love going there just to go through the western doors. I just love pushing through them and pretending like I was a cowboy.

Nathan Fillion (4:53)

There's a new sheriff in town.

Alan Tudyk (4:54)

Yeah, I announced too. Evidently when I was a young, little three year old, four year old child pushed through them and announced to the whole restaurant, I'm Black Bart and I'm here to get burgers or something like that. And you would do this? My mother. I did it one time because I yelled it out and the whole restaurant was like, the hell is that child? I loved Cartoons. There were a lot of those saloon cartoons with Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam. There were some of those and Daffy Duck as well.

Nathan Fillion (5:25)

Yeah, we don't see anymore because they were shooting them in each other in face and stuff. And they're pretty concerned about what they're teaching kids. It's Y s.

Alan Tudyk (5:39)

That's why there's no violence in our world. I actually there was a child staying with me a while ago, a friend of ours who he was in a trial separation from his wife and moved his two year old son in. I was like, hey, come move into my house while your trial separated. He brought a two year old with him and we had a blast. It was a great summer. But I was like, you, this little kid needs to see some real cartoons. This is how I feel like I learned comedy was by watching Warner Brothers cartoons because they were based on vaudeville and it's the, the classic 1, 2, 3 and. And just really great comedy. And we propped him up in front of the TV and we turned it on. Somebody came. I think it was Bugs Bunny hit Elmer Fudd in the head. He looked at that, looked at his dad, had a pillow and hit his dad in the head with it. And that was it. That was. We were done watching those cartoons because it was immediate. You'd watched him see it and then try it out. It's like, all right, enough of that.

Nathan Fillion (6:43)

A cautionary tale.

Alan Tudyk (6:44)

It was, it was. I don't know if he's grown into a violent child. We've lost touch.

Nathan Fillion (6:48)

What was your first job ever?

Alan Tudyk (6:52)

I found a dead snake and went door to door until I sold it for a silver dollar.

Nathan Fillion (6:58)

Is there a market for.

Alan Tudyk (7:00)

I sold that. Son of a. I, Patrick Larin, bought it. I didn't want. I didn't want a dollar. I wanted a silver dollar and I got a silver dollar.

Nathan Fillion (7:10)

You're quite the salesman. Yeah, I could sell a dead snake for a silver dollar. That's. That sounds like an old adage from Texas.

Alan Tudyk (7:19)

He's such a good salesman.

Nathan Fillion (7:20)

So sly. You can sell a dead snake for a silver dollar.

Alan Tudyk (7:25)

Yeah, I was always coming up with things to sell and ways to make money. When I got old enough, probably 11, I was going around and putting flyers around the neighborhood that I would babysit or wash your windows or weed your garden or anything.

Nathan Fillion (7:44)

Were you any good at any of these, John?

Alan Tudyk (7:47)

No, definitely not babysitting. I was terrible at that. I needed my own babysitter to babysit somebody. Also weeding I could do. And I would only charge you a Penny a weed. God, it was the worst job. I'd charge you a penny of weed. And if I don't get the root, you don't have to pay me temperature on your flyer because it'll just grow back. So I go, I go. I get the root, I get the whole thing. And I'd wash your car. I. I do all that kind of stuff.

Nathan Fillion (8:14)

I had a friend in New York City. Her name was Amy. She grew up, I guess Texas, one of these southern states.

Alan Tudyk (8:21)

But she isn't just one of these. But gone. Gone.

Nathan Fillion (8:24)

Yes. Okay. But she and some. A friend of hers had. Her friend's father was the pastor.

Alan Tudyk (8:30)

Okay.

Nathan Fillion (8:31)

And they had access to this church where? In the back kind of office room. Do you remember mimeograph machines?

Alan Tudyk (8:37)

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Nathan Fillion (8:37)

You had to type something onto a carbon paper, and then you'd put it onto this drum and you'd roll the drum and with toner. It was an early form of photocopying.

Alan Tudyk (8:48)

Yeah, it was like a. Yeah. A photocopying smell. Yeah.

Nathan Fillion (8:53)

Yes. It had quite. Quite an odor.

Alan Tudyk (8:55)

And people would smell them as kids, saying it could get you hot.

Nathan Fillion (8:58)

And it was only good for so many copies. Before you had to make a new

Alan Tudyk (9:00)

carbon paper and before you got wasted and. Absolutely.

Nathan Fillion (9:03)

They would concoct lottery tickets and mimeograph them and cut them out and stable them together and go to the rich neighborhood in town and sell lottery tickets for a raffle that did not exist. Holy.

Alan Tudyk (9:18)

And they did this at a church.

Nathan Fillion (9:20)

Out of a church. That was their base of operations. Yeah, that's. Oh, my God.

Alan Tudyk (9:24)

That's some.

Nathan Fillion (9:25)

That's some high level scammery that I would never have conceived of as a kid.

Alan Tudyk (9:30)

That is.

Nathan Fillion (9:30)

Kids were making money hand over fist. They were 20 bucks a book.

Alan Tudyk (9:33)

That's the devil's work. That is the devil's work. They're going into the house of God to print up lies for money. And what'd they use that money for? Liquor.

Nathan Fillion (9:43)

If she told me, I forget. This is a very old story.

Alan Tudyk (9:46)

Drug, sex. There's all the. All the wrong things.

Nathan Fillion (9:49)

But Alan. So this is. That's early entrepreneurship. But what was your first job? I need your Social Security number for your W book. Two.

Alan Tudyk (9:59)

I was a paperboy. I had two paper routes. Yeah. The Plano.

Nathan Fillion (10:05)

What does it mean to have two? Is like. Like a paper route is. So many houses.

Alan Tudyk (10:09)

Yeah. It's like one section of a suburb. And then I. I was that section. And then I took over my brothers when he got tired of it. And I Did two. And you. Basically, you. It's. It was a pain in the butt. It was a lot of rolling papers, a lot of rubber bands. You'd have to. You get a big stack of papers, you roll them up, and then you'd have to deliver them. Sundays, you get the papers late Saturday night, and you'd roll them early, early in the morning before the sun came up. And then you deliver them so that people had their Sunday paper. And there were so many. You'd have to do trips on your bike or your parents drove you around if they felt sorry for you.

Nathan Fillion (10:40)

That's not an easy job. That's a lot of Holland. Basically wood around.

Alan Tudyk (10:44)

Yeah. And then you have to go buy the houses with your ticket book and go knock, knock, knock, and go from door to door to collect money.

Nathan Fillion (10:52)

Yeah.

Alan Tudyk (10:53)

Gonna be like, you're running numbers. You're like, you're hustling. Hey, give me my money. You owe me. You owe me. My book says. And so you gotta chase people down. You gotta deal with dogs. You gotta. But I had some cash. I. I really. I think I understood early on, we had chores and stuff, and my parents were in control of money, and they were able to use it to control me. So I was like, I need my own money. I need my own source of cash. And was like, early on, knew that and instinctively was always seeking it out.

Nathan Fillion (11:29)

That's very astute to want to be independent like that.

Alan Tudyk (11:33)

I listen to this crazy job I had that I gave myself in the 12th. 12 years old, like 6th, 7th, 8th grade. I love these. You remember those? Choose your own adventure books.

Nathan Fillion (11:43)

Oh, yeah, I loved them.

Alan Tudyk (11:45)

So you. It's where you go in a book and you. You read for a while and it's like somebody says, somebody comes up. It's almost like what you do in video games now or certain games, those text games, right. Where they say, you want to come with me to the creepy cave and Alan's house? Or do you want to come with me to Nathan's theater and go, oh, I'm going to go to Nathan's theater. And then you go to Paige, whatever, and you follow that adventure. Or if you go to the creepy cave in Alan's house, you follow a different adventure. And I didn't have an. I was buying them, but I needed money to keep buying new ones. But you couldn't get them at the library, so I brought them to school in the box and I. Renting them to others.

Nathan Fillion (12:19)

Leasing books.

Alan Tudyk (12:20)

I was renting books to children, to my fellow students. Step right Up. What you need is a choose your own adventure book right here.

Nathan Fillion (12:28)

Did you have a little ledger where you wrote down who had what book and for how long or. Yeah.

Alan Tudyk (12:34)

Wow, I was a weird kid. How. What did you do? Nathan Fillion?

Nathan Fillion (12:38)

I need an adventure, man. Come on. I'm Jones, and you still have my other book. I'm not giving you anything. Come on, Alan. Come on. It's been a lot.

Alan Tudyk (12:44)

I'll.

Nathan Fillion (12:44)

I'll give you this confession, Alan. When I read those books as a kid, and it said. Said, hey, do you want to do this or you want to do this? I would pick a choice, but then I'd keep my finger in the book. No, on that page. Just to make sure. If I didn't like the choice, I go back and go, hang on a second. And at some point, I remember having, like, four to eight fingers in there. So I wanted to. Guess. I want to go back. I don't know how far.

Alan Tudyk (13:08)

I've got cramps from reading. Lots of paper cuts.

Nathan Fillion (13:14)

My first. I mean, my parents would give me money for chores, but my first, like. Did you get an allowance?

Alan Tudyk (13:21)

Yes.

Nathan Fillion (13:21)

I remember my first. One of my first allowances was like, 50 cents a week. I would get 50 cents, but you could get a lot for 50 cents back then. I could get a candy bar and a soda pop for 50 cents. Wow. That was the day. But my dad. I remember taking a dollar bill and tearing it right down the middle, saying, here's your allowance, and giving it to my brother and saying, here's your allowance.

Alan Tudyk (13:43)

That's weird.

Nathan Fillion (13:44)

We went to the store and together, and we were trying to buy something, going, here's our money. And he's like, all right. He just taped it together and took it.

Alan Tudyk (13:51)

No. That's kind of sweet that you have to. I mean, if you weren't friends, that would make sense. But you guys were pretty close as brothers, right?

Nathan Fillion (13:59)

Yeah, he. Yeah, we were stuck at the hip.

Alan Tudyk (14:00)

Yeah.

Nathan Fillion (14:01)

But my first job.

Alan Tudyk (14:02)

And it cost a lot of money to get that hip surgery to get you separated.

Nathan Fillion (14:07)

Separated.

Alan Tudyk (14:08)

Yeah. It's more than a dollar.

Nathan Fillion (14:10)

My first job was I worked at a trophy shop. What do you remember being on a team as a kid? And at the end of the season, they take the team photo, and they take your individual photo with your foot on a soccer ball. And then they'd have a frame that had in it your team, and over there on the side would be your photo, and then there'd be a little card underneath that said, everybody's name on the team. Little Gold.

Alan Tudyk (14:36)

We had cardboard. Gold.

Nathan Fillion (14:37)

Similar.

Alan Tudyk (14:38)

That's a cardboard frame.

Nathan Fillion (14:40)

It was a cardboard plaque.

Alan Tudyk (14:41)

Oh, man.

Nathan Fillion (14:42)

I was the kid who slid the team photo in. Slid your photo in. Some glue stick on the back of that thing. Put it on there. Wow. That was my job.

Alan Tudyk (14:52)

That's like factory work, man. That's. It's like as it comes down, glue stick one that slap too. But you. I guess you knew. Did you know all the kids. Was it that small of a town?

Nathan Fillion (15:04)

These are kids from all over the city just having the trophy shop, right? It was one of the local trophy shops. So they all go through all these teams. A lot of teams. A lot of teams.

Alan Tudyk (15:14)

Did you buy yourself any trophies that you didn't earn? I would have been wanting that.

Nathan Fillion (15:19)

I remember it was minimum wage. I. I don't remember like making a huge amount of money and. And going, woohoo. I'm rolling in dough now. But I do remember going, I had to pay taxes. I remember that. Like, they take that away. That was my money. I remember that shocking revelation when I was a paperboy.

Alan Tudyk (15:41)

I was so mad. There was a. It was a bit of a stink. When they decided when they started taxing the paper boys, I was like, there were a lot of articles written about it in the paper I was delivering.

Nathan Fillion (15:51)

I remember taking my action figures and trying to claim Steve Austin and GI Joe as dependents. No.

Alan Tudyk (16:00)

Where the. This Steve Austin, he's even got one wonky eye. Look. This one.

Nathan Fillion (16:08)

Do you have any idea the maintenance on a Six Million Dollar Man?

Alan Tudyk (16:14)

Oh man, that was great. Have you watched any of those lately? Seen any footage from like Lean on Man Fights Bigfoot? A few glowing eyes?

Nathan Fillion (16:23)

Yeah, I actually saw some clips of that on YouTube. But do you. We have that. Do we have a name drop sound? There's a sound for name drops. Did we do this already?

Alan Tudyk (16:31)

I think no, I think it should be a name drop sound from a high place. Like a. Yeah,

Nathan Fillion (16:44)

Name drop. I went for breakfast at a local place not too far from my home here. The lovely Michelle Chapman, who's a producer on this show.

Alan Tudyk (16:54)

Is that the name?

Nathan Fillion (16:54)

Go for it. One of my besties. That's something.

Alan Tudyk (16:57)

Is that not the name?

Nathan Fillion (16:58)

But she was with me. And I look, we're in line for breakfast and I look over, sitting and waiting for I don't know what is a lady. And she goes, oh, hi. And I go, oh, I know her. Hi. And I said, hi. I'm going to go say hi. And I walk over and I go, wait a minute, I don't Know this lady. But I do know this lady. Oh, my gosh. It's. It's Lindsay Wagner.

Alan Tudyk (17:15)

Lindsay Wagner.

Nathan Fillion (17:19)

Name drop. It's Jamie Summers. Yeah.

Alan Tudyk (17:23)

Oh, my God.

Nathan Fillion (17:23)

The bionic woman.

Alan Tudyk (17:28)

So that's who. Lindsay Wagner for those people who aren't

Nathan Fillion (17:30)

as old as us.

Alan Tudyk (17:31)

That was the bionic woman. She is the bionic woman. For Christ.

Nathan Fillion (17:33)

Yes.

Alan Tudyk (17:34)

When she moves around in the cafe, was it this way? Did that happen like she puts in the ear?

Nathan Fillion (17:39)

Yeah, yeah. She had like the superpowers that were all mechanical. Bionic and the bionic man and the bionic woman. There was a bionic dog at one point. They were big deals. Yeah, they were super big deals.

Alan Tudyk (17:52)

Yeah.

Nathan Fillion (17:52)

That's Hollywood royalty right there.

Alan Tudyk (17:54)

Yeah. That's lunch boxes. That's backpacks. That. I mean, in the good old lunch boxes, you know, I think I had

Nathan Fillion (18:02)

a $6 million man lunchbox. I think I did. I think it was red. If I didn't have it, my friend did. I also had a jabber jaw lunchbox.

Alan Tudyk (18:11)

The hell is that?

Nathan Fillion (18:12)

It's a jabber jaw old cartoon. Kind of. Kind of a Scooby Doo kind of thing. But instead of a dog, it was a shark.

Alan Tudyk (18:18)

Oh, yes.

Nathan Fillion (18:19)

Okay.

Alan Tudyk (18:19)

Yep, yep, yep.

Nathan Fillion (18:20)

I remember. It was very, very stoogy. Yeah.

Alan Tudyk (18:23)

Yeah, that's right. That's right. I think I had a Captain Caveman, which I like.

Nathan Fillion (18:30)

He just reach into his fur and pull out anything he needed.

Alan Tudyk (18:33)

Yeah. Out of his.

Nathan Fillion (18:35)

I like the idea of the bottomless pocket that has everything you. You wanted.

Alan Tudyk (18:38)

That's good.

Nathan Fillion (18:39)

I have a question. What was your favorite age growing up?

Alan Tudyk (18:45)

Probably before puberty. I mean, it depends. Favorite age. What's your favorite. How are you defining favorite age? Tell me your favorite age growing up.

Nathan Fillion (18:55)

So I loved being outside in the summertime. We'd play hide and seek, all the kids in the neighborhood, all sorts of adventures on our bikes and stuff. But then winter would hit and you're paralyzed.

Alan Tudyk (19:06)

Yeah. If we haven't covered. Really. Where Nathan comes from is one of the coldest places on the planet. And it is so. It is just unforgiving. Negative 40.

Nathan Fillion (19:16)

What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do out there?

Alan Tudyk (19:18)

Move. I think all you can do is move.

Nathan Fillion (19:21)

I didn't like it. It got dark at like 4:30. By 5 o', clock, it was black as pitch out there.

Alan Tudyk (19:27)

Yeah.

Nathan Fillion (19:28)

I mean, I love being a kid, but the winter really put a hamper on that. Even as a teenager, just being a little more independent. Until you had a vehicle. I think my first vehicle was a scooter so you're still paralyzed in the wintertime. You're not driving that thing around on the ice like a moped scooter minus the pedals. Yeah. Moped's a moped. How. And a scooter's a scooter?

Alan Tudyk (19:48)

Well, some people. Okay, it wasn't a bike, it was a.

Nathan Fillion (19:53)

It was a motorbike, but it was 49ccs.

Alan Tudyk (19:57)

The hell is the scooter? What. What is a scooter is a moped.

Nathan Fillion (20:01)

You used to own one. You got one from your, your movie Dodgeball, Average Joe's. I cannot wait. That was a vest to go to that premiere. That's gonna be so much fun, Alan. I'm so looking forward to that, buddy.

Alan Tudyk (20:11)

You just. I'll. I can't wait.

Nathan Fillion (20:12)

That's a scooter.

Alan Tudyk (20:13)

Tell you about it.

Nathan Fillion (20:14)

That's a Vespa. That's a Vespa scooter.

Alan Tudyk (20:17)

So you had one, you had one of those?

Nathan Fillion (20:18)

Yes. Mine didn't look like that. Mine was the Yamaha Townie. The thing is it brown? It was red. It was fire engine red. But the thing it had was a big fat seat. You could actually give someone a double if you wanted to. It had a two gear automatic, two gear. So usually those little sprees, the Esprit, the little Vespas, they have one gear. It's as fast as you go is. And it's kind of great off the start, but it caps out a little earlier. Mine would not be that great off the start, but you get a second gear and you get some faster top speeds.

Alan Tudyk (20:56)

All right. And we're talking like 30 miles an hour or 40 kilometers an hour. What were you.

Nathan Fillion (21:02)

Because it was almost 50 kilometers. About 35 miles an hour. Yeah. All right. That's good speed.

Alan Tudyk (21:08)

That's better.

Nathan Fillion (21:09)

There's a lot of independence when I was a little guy, when I was young, man.

Alan Tudyk (21:12)

You ever wreck on it?

Nathan Fillion (21:13)

Never did.

Alan Tudyk (21:14)

Oh, God. I wrecked a couple times on mine.

Nathan Fillion (21:17)

Yeah.

Alan Tudyk (21:17)

I'm not good at that. But now I have a motorcycle, so the stakes are higher. It's good. I'm still doing it. I was riding out today, thinking, this is dangerous. It's fun. It's fun.

Nathan Fillion (21:27)

Crazy dangerous, man. Stay alive out there. I wanna. I wanna confess something. Oh. These questions that I ask you.

Alan Tudyk (21:35)

Yes.

Nathan Fillion (21:35)

I'm not coming up with them off the top of my head.

Alan Tudyk (21:37)

Where are they coming from?

Nathan Fillion (21:39)

I've got a lot of these questions I'm asking you, Alan, are from a questionnaire in Women's Health magazine. Getting to know Your partner better. Now, I'm not saying we're partners. We're more pard. Ners. Pardners. Hey, pardner. We're more pardners than partners.

Alan Tudyk (21:55)

We're pardners.

Nathan Fillion (22:00)

We're partners in crime.

Alan Tudyk (22:01)

We're around on our townies, where I

Nathan Fillion (22:03)

think we're partners in this podcast. But I mean, for the purposes of the questionnaire, I don't think these are the partners that they were thinking about. Wow. Yeah. Women's Health magazine, I've been.

Alan Tudyk (22:13)

Are you having to skip over things like how to spice it up in the bedroom or it's. These are just getting to know your partner, Beth.

Nathan Fillion (22:19)

Well, I'll confess, there's like 250 of them. I haven't gotten that far. There might be some uncomfortable questions coming

Alan Tudyk (22:25)

later in the show about my erogenous zones.

Nathan Fillion (22:29)

Can you find it? Oh, yeah.

Alan Tudyk (22:36)

Oh, my God. I had no idea. Yeah, well, wonderful. That's wonderful, man. I'm glad to know that. Now I'll answer your last question. Okay. My favorite time was probably in some form of adolescence where we were playing outside too. I think that was a pretty great, raucous time. We had boundaries set. We played flashlight tag at night. We would go to the creek and hang out in the creek. Just try not to get leeches and catch tadpoles and. But it was like suburbs. I grew up in the suburbs. It was very safe environment. And so anything that felt like danger outdoorsy was really fun. But we did get to play, you know, run around at night unsupervised. And we would always be unsupervised. After you got home from school, we would go outside and we'd be out until dinner time, until my mom would call us all in or call just my brother and I in and I guess my sister at some point.

Nathan Fillion (23:30)

It was a different time.

Alan Tudyk (23:31)

It was. Yeah. Yeah. Long time ago now. I think that was great. Like once. Once time. Once it got into the girls, once it got into that whole thing, man, everything just changed, you know? And, you know, for some of us, for the better, I'm sure you've got great. What was your 13, 14 year old you became. You're pretty popular on campus, I'm guessing.

Nathan Fillion (23:53)

I don't know that I was popular. I wasn't unliked. I think I was well liked. I don't know that I was popular.

Alan Tudyk (24:00)

I was known, but I don't know, I certainly wasn't. I had bullies. Did you have bullies? Of course you didn't have bullies.

Nathan Fillion (24:07)

Yeah, I had A couple bullies. Yeah. Yeah. Had a couple bullies. That's a great question, that one.

Alan Tudyk (24:13)

Well, I need to know that. And where are their erogenous zones?

Nathan Fillion (24:18)

What are your bullies?

Alan Tudyk (24:19)

Erogenism.

Nathan Fillion (24:22)

Tell me about a bully story, and I'm hoping this one has, like, a full circle where it came full. Came back around, and, you know, there's a resolution. Do you have one of those?

Alan Tudyk (24:34)

No. I mean, I was always hoping this guy would end up in jail.

Nathan Fillion (24:38)

Ooh.

Alan Tudyk (24:38)

I'll just say his first name was Sammy. So anybody who grew up in the Plano Independent School District and was in the Davis to Haggard to Vines to Plano Senior High track, because there was a lot of different schools you could be kicking around knew Sammy. I was actually the kid that they assigned to Sammy when he first showed up in school, like, in second or third grade, and they're like, hey, show this guy around, Alan, you're a pretty personable kid. For some reason, I kept getting that job. Anyway, Sammy scared me from day one because he was a tough guy. He was a. He actually lived right down the block from me. His dad was not nice to him, I'm pretty sure. Anyway, those are the seeds that were planted in Sammy. But Sammy was a toughest man. That guy scared the. Out of me, and he'd pick on me. He'd come up as a little kid, little guy in my grade, hey, let's punch each other. Let's. Let's play. I don't even know. It probably had a name, because I'm kind of like, he punches me, I punch him. He punched me, I punch him. Who can take as many punches? Like, I don't want to do that. I want to do that. And he's got a. He also had a roll of dimes in his hand.

Nathan Fillion (25:43)

This kid's treacherous.

Alan Tudyk (25:44)

Yeah, man. Of course Sammy treats. He. The guy was a criminal. Sammy was dangerous. He beat up a skinhead one time at, like, in ninth grade at the McDonald's. It almost put him in the hospital, just stomped him. He was dangerous, man. He scared the shit out of me. Anyway, we had gym together in sixth, seventh grade, and he was hassling me, and I went to my dad, and I was like, dad, this guy is picking on me, and I don't like it. So my dad. It's going to my dad instead of my mom. My mom would have gone, great. Boop, boop, boop, boop. Hey, school, get this Sammy kid off my son. And it would have been resolved, but that you don't do that. As a little boy, you don't want to go to your mom about that stuff. So I went to dad. Dad will tell me what to do. I think he was drunk. Respectfully, I'm pretty sure he was maybe a few Coors cans past sensible when he told me, well, Alan, what you need to do is just punch him in the face. He picks on you. Punch him in the face. You go to the biggest guy. Like that dumb adage. Pick the biggest guy and beat him up. Punch him in the face, and then they'll respect you. I'm like, well, Sammy's the biggest. Sammy's the one that you'd go for. He's like, good. Punch him in the face. And you call him a son of a bitch if you want. I'm like, I can curse at him. He's like, yeah. So I was that young that, like, I'm getting permission to curse. So the next day in my memory, Sammy, where his locker was right by mine. And Jim, he comes, he starts picking on me. And I said, hey, Sammy, I don't know. I'll say, I don't want to. But I said, you. That's what I said, man. I said, you, Sammy, leave me alone. I don't want to be picked on by you. And he said, whoa, you better watch your mouth. I said, really? I better watch my mouth? You're concerned about cussing you? And he went to the. He went to the coach and told the coach I was cussing at him. I was blown away. Like, you told you. Get in here. You got to come in here, don't they, peckerwood? These. These Texas coaches pulls me in there, and he says, don't be cursing at him. And I'm like, he told on me. I can't believe that he told him. He's like, just don't. I'm like, he picks him. He said, I know he. He gets it. Just. I have to tell you to stop. So go out there. And I went back to my locker, and he was there, and I said, man, I can't believe you told on me. That's ridiculous. And he's like, you better watch your mouth, man. You gotta watch your mouth. Like I'm watching my mouth f you. And I walked out of that. Jim. I was man on air. I felt like I had. I couldn't believe it. I stood up to the bully, and he pussied out and told on me. And it was right about then that I felt the hand grabbing the back of my head and my hair being twisted up in a Fist of rage as he bounced my head off of a locker. Found myself on the ground and looked up and it was Sammy. And he's just looking at me plaintively like, I had to do it. I had to do it. Like you, you made me like. He was like I had forced him. I went to the nurse and the principal came and he's like, who did this to you? Sammy? And then he got in trouble, so I told on him. He told on me. I guess that's kind of full circle. But I still had, I still run

Nathan Fillion (29:05)

into Stopped at that point.

Alan Tudyk (29:07)

Hell no.

Nathan Fillion (29:08)

Oh really?

Alan Tudyk (29:09)

Hell no, man. And it got worse as I moved schools with different guys. I mean it just, they, they catch you in a moment, you know, like if they catch you alone. Texas is tough, man. Like they and Canadian parts of Canada the same way. It's everywhere. Where somebody walks in, they'll be like, what are you looking at? And there's no right answer. You either say you, which is wrong. You don't say that and you don't say nothing because that, oh, that's lots of trouble. It's just a. Somebody wants to fight you. They want to fight you. And I had a smart ass face. I had to face what they would have called somebody who needs to get smacked.

Nathan Fillion (29:45)

Wait a minute. When you say had.

Alan Tudyk (29:54)

Yep, it's. That's, that's, that's, that is. Yeah, that's true. It's true. I just have it on my face. It lives on my face.

Nathan Fillion (30:03)

Bullies are the worst.

Alan Tudyk (30:04)

I've used it to my advantage in life. I tend to play smart ass rolls, if you've noticed.

Nathan Fillion (30:11)

I just, I wonder, bullies of the world, are they not watching all the movies where like, hey, you're the asshole in this scenario, right? Are they not watching the same movies I'm watching?

Alan Tudyk (30:23)

I don't know. Maybe they need to like check in with other Facebook, like go one generation up of Facebook and see how the, the bullies turn out. Because a lot of them are. Didn't work out. I mean, Sammy now is born again. I know this through the Internet. It's all, it's all very Christian.

Nathan Fillion (30:43)

He found his way.

Alan Tudyk (30:44)

He found some way. I don't know.

Nathan Fillion (30:46)

I bet all this behavior haunts him.

Alan Tudyk (30:48)

I doubt that. I don't know. Maybe he does. I mean that dude. But I'm sure he had a bad. I think his dad was, you know, tough on him. His dad was, I think, really hard on him. He didn't have a dad who gave him great advice like go and curse at the big guy, who you have no defense against. Go do that. He didn't have that in his corner like me. How about you? Did you have to, Alan?

Nathan Fillion (31:12)

I had. At one point, I had a teacher who was a real jerk. And I'll say, oh, wow. Because they're in a position of power, right? There's age, there's size, there's authority. And they have one over on you because they have the, you know, they're marking your grades and all that. This guy was a jerk. He was a real jerk. He was our math teacher at one point, and five kids in the whole class passed the exam. When that happens, if I were, you know, I studied to be a teacher. Did I ever tell you that?

Alan Tudyk (31:49)

Yeah.

Nathan Fillion (31:50)

I knew I was going to be a high school teacher. So I'll tell you something. If five kids in your class pass the exam, the issue is not the kids. The issue is the teacher, right? But that was not his perspective. So he said, I'm going to split the class up into two groups. Get this one over here. These five kids, they're the smart. And the rest of you, you're the stupid group. So that's the. Right. That's the guy we're working with right now. So that's. That's the thing. And he's now trying to backtrack and get us all on course with what's we're supposed to be learning for this exam because we can't proceed without it. And I'm not. I'm not getting it. I am just not getting it. I'm watching them teach it, and I'm like, I open up.

Alan Tudyk (32:34)

The fact that I said, am I to assume that you were put into the stupid group?

Nathan Fillion (32:37)

Oh, yes.

Alan Tudyk (32:38)

Oh, yes, you were.

Nathan Fillion (32:39)

Math was not my strong point. I'm in the stupid group. And I said, to heck with this guy. I'm just. I'm gonna look. And what is the. What is the textbook say? Because the textbook is right here. It. It. This. Everything I needed should be right here. So I look up in the textbook and I go, oh, it was pretty simple. It was pretty simple. What to do.

Alan Tudyk (33:01)

What a mature response.

Nathan Fillion (33:04)

And the guy in front of me, Jason. Jason B. Turned around and said, what? What is it? How do you do it? Because we're all desperate to get out of the stupid group. Like, here's a punch. Here's. Here's a couple of kids just desperate to learn something. He goes, what is. What do we do? And teacher says, hey, you guys, stop talking. And I said, I was just Trying to explain it to Jason. And he says, you explaining it to Jason is like the blind leading the blind.

Alan Tudyk (33:32)

Oh, my God.

Nathan Fillion (33:32)

And I was almost just now, never mind. I forgot it. I didn't learn it now. And I'm just seething, and that's all I can think about. Dinner that night with my family. My mom would always have us go around the table and say, all right, everybody say something great that happened today to you. And say something not so great that happened to you today. And that was always kind of the basis of our family conversations, how we'd all kind of, you know, support each other and do those kind of things. It was really wonderful. And when I said, this is what happened, that was not so great. I told him the story, and they said, well, you should really ask him to apologize. He said, I can do that. They said, yeah, yeah, you should. You should actually do that, because that's not right. You should. He should not be doing it. No. Keep in mind, my parents were both teachers.

Alan Tudyk (34:15)

Can you teach?

Nathan Fillion (34:15)

Well respected. Yes. Well respected and well known in the very same school system. My mother was best friends with the vice principal of the school I was attending. He and my mom were thick as thieves. And my dad would play backgammon with him all the time. Mr. D. He'd play backgammon with Mr. D all the time. I really liked Mr. D. He was over at our house constantly. He was a nice guy.

Alan Tudyk (34:38)

So wait, the vice principal of your high school or your school at your house?

Nathan Fillion (34:43)

Yeah.

Alan Tudyk (34:44)

Oh, my God.

Nathan Fillion (34:45)

Yeah. We had teachers. All the. All my friends. My parents. Friends were teachers.

Alan Tudyk (34:49)

Oh, wow. The vice principal, always the scariest one, but they're friends with years.

Nathan Fillion (34:53)

He was great. He was also my eighth grade teacher. He was fantastic. Wow. Eighth grade. Ninth grade. He was fantastic. I loved him. Anyway, I said, yeah, you should go there and say, sir, I would like to speak with you outside and take him outside the classroom and say, I would like you to apologize for what you did. That was uncalled for. I said, okay, I'm going to do this. So next day, I go to school, all right, I got my parents permission. I can do this. I'm going to go to.

Alan Tudyk (35:17)

I'm going to put your head in the locker. Go on. Yes, Go, go. Sorry.

Nathan Fillion (35:20)

So teacher takes attendance and says, okay, let's get started. And boom. I put up my hand and he goes, yes, Nathan, I said, can I speak to you outside, please? And everybody freezes and kind of looks over sideways at me going, what? And he get. He kind of does a Little freeze. And goes, all right. So I walk outside, and everybody's looking around at each other like, oh, damn it. What's going on? Like, nobody. Nobody's doing this. Who does this? What's happening? Who does this? I go outside, and he's a big fella. He's a tall guy. He's got a big mustache. And I said, Mr. K, that's initial. When you said this thing to me yesterday about me telling Jason what to do is the blind leading the blind, I found that really offensive, and I would like you to apologize. And you could see his mustache just go twitch. And he sits and he considers for a second, and he goes, fine, I apologize. And I said, Mr. K, you insulted me in front of the class. I would prefer if you apologized to me in front of the class. And his mustache started just. Is just shaking and twitching on one side. I mean, I'm just sitting there just smiling at him. Just. I'm sure I was smug. I'm sure I had a smug little look on my face.

Alan Tudyk (36:37)

You'd have to be, but you're right.

Nathan Fillion (36:39)

And we walked back into the classroom, and he apologized to me in front of the class, and that changed everything.

Alan Tudyk (36:47)

Wow.

Nathan Fillion (36:48)

It changed the power dynamic in our class. He was reduced. He was no longer this big, scary bully. Nobody was afraid of him after that.

Alan Tudyk (36:59)

Oh, wow.

Nathan Fillion (36:59)

He didn't last much longer at our school. I went back home, and they said, how'd it go today? I told them what I did, and they said, you did what? Nobody told you? Nobody told you to go take it to the glass and make him do this in front of the glass? I said, well, I thought it was. That was all right. But that was my right. That was my. One of my bully stories. One of them. I've had a couple.

Alan Tudyk (37:22)

Wow, Okay. I had a bad teacher in 12th grade. So my. My final year in. In high school, I had put off health. You had to take health class. And this is like, you know, boys have penises and girls don't. We don't want to get into what they have, but let's just say it's different. You know, it was the. It was a. The. Let's not upset anybody while we tell you about your body's class. And since I had put it off to my 12th grade year, the only other. The biggest group of people who had put it off till their 12th grade year were the football players, because they basically have health. They. They're always doing physical stuff. They don't need it. So they're always like, I Don't want to take that crap. I don't want to take, you know, how to work out, how to eat, right? How to, you know, it's like all of that kind of stuff. So my class was full of football players myself, and we had a bad substitute teacher one day, and he was old school. He was like an old school Texan guy who came in. And this changed my experience at high school as well, because I was chewing on my pin while he was talking, and it exploded in my mouth because. What are you chewing? I don't know. Oral. Fix it. Who knows why I raised my hand. I said, yes, I'm sorry, I have a pen ink in my mouth. I need to go rinse it out. And he looked at me and he said, I don't think so. I think you're stupid enough to put a pen in your mouth and chew on it. You can sit there and think about what you did with pen ink in your mouth. All right, moving on. And he, like, turned around, and I sat there for a second. I was like, huh? And the whole class looked at me like, what? Your move, Tudyk. I was like, you know what? I'm not gonna sit here with a think in my mouth. I'm gonna go wash it out because I'm. This is not healthy to have this ink in my mouth. He said, if you get up and you leave here, don't come back. And I said, I don't care. I want to come back. So I went out, I left class, I washed the. Washed out my mouth. And then. Oh. He said, you can go to the office. You can go to the principal's office. So I was like, fine. I don't give fine. So I don't care. I'm cool. I skateboard and I spit it out. And then I came back to get my books because I'd left my books in the classroom. And I opened the door and he saw me coming in the classroom and ran to the door and put his body against the door. You're not allowed to come back in here. You can't go back here. Go to the principal. I'm like, my books are in there. And I had my foot in the door, and I powered past him and pushed him out of the way, got my books and left and went to the principal's office. Like, there's a guy down there who's lost his mind is what I told the principal. I'm like, this is what happened. And they're like, yeah, that sounds weird. And okay, sit here. Sit over there. Go to your next class when the bell rings. And meanwhile, what had happened was a revolution. Everyone's like, people didn't respect the guy anymore. Like your guy. They ended up throwing things at him. Like, it just. The whole. It was chaos after that. Wow. And this one guy, Jeffries, I guess that's his last. We'll say that's his last name. I went to school with that kid from kindergarten. He came up a big guy. He was a linebacker, I think. Anyway, he came and he said, alan, anybody ever messes with you on this campus, you come to me. We got your back. And I had protection after that, man. I. Because I had been. I stood up to this in front

Nathan Fillion (40:45)

of everyone, garnered their respect.

Alan Tudyk (40:47)

Yeah, yeah, it was good. I didn't, you know, I didn't need a lot of protection, but it really felt good because I could. I. I. Especially in my 12th grade year, I dressed weird. I'd wear costumes to school. Basically, some bright, huge sombrero I wore to school all the time. And I. I would wear hair nets and, you know, Lunch Lady Appreciation Day was almost every month. I would come and I. The lunch ladies give you all their stuff, all the aprons and all the stuff. They'd give you all their stuff, and you wear it all day long.

Nathan Fillion (41:15)

The lunch lady would give you her apron.

Alan Tudyk (41:18)

They'd had. They had them in the back. They were like plastic.

Nathan Fillion (41:20)

You get aprons. You asked for an apron.

Alan Tudyk (41:23)

Because I wanted to dress like a lunch lady and attend school. I had trouble at school.

Nathan Fillion (41:30)

It seems like this is, like early. Early performance. Mark, this is early. You're a performer.

Alan Tudyk (41:36)

Yeah, I. It was a very big school. We. We had 1500 graduating in my class. I didn't know the two kids. We were set alphabetically at graduation. I didn't know the kid on either side of me. Like, I've been going to this school since kindergarten, you know, through the Plano Independent School District. And I didn't know the guys like it was. It was a big school, Nathan. I think we should tell a little something about ourselves to one another.

Nathan Fillion (42:01)

Let's get to know you better, Alan.

Alan Tudyk (42:03)

I know you and you know me. Let's get to know you better. Yeah, I want to get to know you better. Although I feel like I've gotten to know you a lot better this time around.

Nathan Fillion (42:15)

We've gone deep on a couple things that we've never talked about before. Yes.

Alan Tudyk (42:19)

Yeah. So here's something that you don't know about me, Nathan. I don't eat cheeks. I won't eat Cheeks. Now, I know this sounds weird, but anybody who goes to restaurants and you try out new things a lot, new little restaurants, a lot of times they're like, have some pork cheek braised on this. Or beef cheek has been broiled. Or that is pig face. Let's put it like it is. Have some pig face, you son of a bitch. Just those jowly cheeks. Cow face. Nobody wants to eat cow face. You eat their face. Man, that zombie shit, that's not. That's not good.

Nathan Fillion (43:05)

I'm gonna agree with you. There's something very Hannibal Lecter about eating the face. I just feel like that's where I draw the line. Under the neck and down. That's. I guess you could count me in. But.

Alan Tudyk (43:17)

Yeah, and, you know, they. They try to. They try to make it. They try to, you know, tart it up and make it sound all good. A glistening trestle of pork cheek on a sumptuous bed of saffron or something like that. That's just pig face on rice.

Nathan Fillion (43:33)

Now, if they said the pork cheek was actually from the rump, like the.

Alan Tudyk (43:37)

Oh, then you're in cheek.

Nathan Fillion (43:40)

Yeah. Are you good?

Alan Tudyk (43:42)

You know. Yep.

Nathan Fillion (43:44)

That's like. It's a rump roast. But you'll go to the other end of the animal. And that.

Alan Tudyk (43:50)

That seems wrong because that's butt stuff. And nobody. I mean, nobody wants to eat. Nobody on the menu says, you know,

Nathan Fillion (43:57)

give me the special.

Alan Tudyk (43:59)

Yeah, I want the. Isn't the business end the part with the teeth?

Nathan Fillion (44:03)

Not once it's dead.

Alan Tudyk (44:05)

I guess it depends on what your business is.

Nathan Fillion (44:08)

None of your business.

Alan Tudyk (44:08)

Alan, what kind of business do you have with this animal? I will eat a rump roast and not think twice about it.

Nathan Fillion (44:18)

I went to Thailand and I watched a group of people clamber over the fish cheeks. They all wanted the cheeks of the fish. That was the delectable part. I was not on the list. I was not in that.

Alan Tudyk (44:30)

Yeah, that's nasty. I mean, it's. I guess on a fish, for some reason it seems less nasty. I don't know. But it's still a face, I guess, because they don't have expressions. You know, the. The fish, you know, if they had eyebrows, we'd be screwed. There'd be no way you could eat that much fish. But they don't.

Nathan Fillion (44:48)

Because of their frozen expression, we feel safe in.

Alan Tudyk (44:51)

Yeah, they look stupid. They look like they don't have emotions or feeling.

Nathan Fillion (44:56)

Except barracuda, man. You've been scuba diving, seen a barracuda come at you?

Alan Tudyk (45:00)

Yeah, yeah.

Nathan Fillion (45:01)

You look like they're mad at you for being there. They're looking. Always frowning. And they got their teeth.

Alan Tudyk (45:05)

Well, they're also in your face. They don't mind. They don't have. They don't know.

Nathan Fillion (45:08)

They're quite cur.

Alan Tudyk (45:09)

They're. Yeah, I guess that's what it is.

Nathan Fillion (45:11)

Yeah, they're quite curious.

Alan Tudyk (45:12)

They Razor teeth. Scary looking.

Nathan Fillion (45:16)

Yeah, like dogs.

Alan Tudyk (45:17)

I think that's a lesson to people out there who want to do too much Botox. Look, if you get to a point where your facial expression is frozen, somebody might eat your face. They just don't have compassion for you anymore. They don't see you as having emotion. Just be careful. Too much Botox, somebody will eat your face. And Botox face is, I hear, pretty tasty. Nathan?

Nathan Fillion (45:43)

Yes.

Alan Tudyk (45:44)

What do you have to share about yourself, Alan?

Nathan Fillion (45:47)

Here's. Here's a little something. I don't know if you know this about me, but much like you were speaking about earlier when you went to high school and you would dress in costumes and whatnot, I think I was, you know, wanting to have an identity and to set myself apart. My brother was a very talented musician. He was athletic. He could. I could sing. I didn't have those things going for me. I learned how to ride a unicycle. Yeah. Yeah, that's.

Alan Tudyk (46:18)

So you wanted to be cool.

Nathan Fillion (46:20)

Well, hey, hang on, hang on. I want it to be different. If I wanted to be cool, I don't think I would have bought a unicycle. But there was two things in my life. If you remember the television program welcome Back Carter.

Alan Tudyk (46:32)

Oh, yes.

Nathan Fillion (46:33)

In the opening credits of welcome Back Cotter, the very. They're showing all these. This kind of a montage of Brooklyn life. Yeah, I think it was Brooklyn. The very last shot is a kid riding down a street. Kind of a dismal. Kind of a fall day, kind of a cloudy day. Yeah, it really looked depressing, didn't it? And he's riding a unicycle away from us. And I thought, what's that? And then there was the show Bosom Buddies, which I thought was a fantastic show. I really liked that show.

Alan Tudyk (47:03)

Great opening song.

Nathan Fillion (47:04)

I thought those two were so cool. The montage in the beginning of that show was so cool, where they're shopping and one guy would throw the produce behind him and the other guy would catch it in the bags. And at one point, it looks like they're having a real intense conversation. And Tom Hanks was on a 10 speed and the other gentleman whose name I'm blanking on at the moment.

Alan Tudyk (47:20)

His name is Peter Scolari.

Nathan Fillion (47:23)

Was riding unicycle and I thought, that's for me.

Alan Tudyk (47:26)

He was a bit of a circus performer, that guy in real life.

Nathan Fillion (47:29)

So I learned how to ride a unicycle. And then later on my friend Tom got one and then his little brother got one. And I remember one time, it was not a short journey. We rode our unicycles to school one day. Let me tell you, these things are not built for long distance. That is not what they are designed for. High wires, bears and you know, hanging around in the neighborhood on the driveway. Not like the six and a half miles to school. I remember being so sore. God, I'm sitting on that thing. That we couldn't ride them home. We had to walk home. It was just too painful. Oh, it hurts so bad. Not a lot of shock absorption in that seat. The whole way home.

Alan Tudyk (48:25)

Wow.

Nathan Fillion (48:26)

We must have looked a psych, the three of us just hauling ass.

Alan Tudyk (48:29)

Yeah. I did not know. Have you had any urge to get one of these electric unicycle type looking things where you just stand on either side of the one wheel? You've seen those? I've had a number of electrified mobility things.

Nathan Fillion (48:42)

I want to say a skateboard, but it had. It was. It was an electric skateboard but had pneumatic tires on it. It had. It had air filled tires. A wasn't a polypropylene plastic wheel. It was a tire.

Alan Tudyk (48:54)

I remember your many.

Nathan Fillion (48:56)

I've had a bunch of these throughout the years. Yeah. The last time I bought one, I'm like, that's it. You know what? I'm done. This thing's gonna kill me. I'm gonna die on this skateboard for sure.

Alan Tudyk (49:05)

Yeah, they're dangerous. Yeah.

Nathan Fillion (49:06)

I just think I. I have too much to lose. I just. I don't want to fall down, Alan. I don't want to fall down. I'm too old to fall down and just to jump up.

Alan Tudyk (49:16)

Wait a second.

Nathan Fillion (49:17)

It's okay. There's no spring that pops me back up anymore. I just lay there until someone comes and gets me.

Alan Tudyk (49:26)

It's a sad thing that happens. We're the same age. We're in our 50s.

Nathan Fillion (49:31)

You're older than me, Ellen.

Alan Tudyk (49:33)

I know I'm a little older than you. We're the age of the golden girls of most of the golden girls. These are our golden years.

Nathan Fillion (49:38)

Yeah. Right.

Alan Tudyk (49:40)

And. Yeah. You never saw them. There were never. Maybe there was an episode. One of them falls and that is the actual subject of the episode. Because it would be Everything Happens around It, Maude Falls. I'm sure that her name wasn't Maude

Nathan Fillion (49:53)

on the show, but she did another show. And then there's Maude.

Alan Tudyk (49:57)

Yeah, and then there's.

Nathan Fillion (49:58)

That was her other show. Yeah, but.

Alan Tudyk (50:00)

Yeah, that isn't even her name. Her name is Bea Arthur. She played Dorothy on the Golden Girls.

Nathan Fillion (50:07)

Alan, I want to do the bit of the show called I wrote that.

Alan Tudyk (50:10)

Oh.

Nathan Fillion (50:10)

I'm going to name a movie, and I want you to tell me one of the lines in that movie that you wrote.

Alan Tudyk (50:19)

Okay, I wrote that.

Nathan Fillion (50:24)

Alan, the movie is one of my most favorite projects you've ever done. It is Tucker and Dale versus Evil. Give me a line in that movie that you wrote.

Alan Tudyk (50:38)

I don't know. I. I don't know. I didn't write. I. Well, I. I'm sure I wrote, like, oh, he's heavy for half a guy. I think that ended up in the movie. God damn, he's heavy for half a guy.

Nathan Fillion (50:50)

I'm gonna name another movie.

Alan Tudyk (50:52)

Okay, Wreck It Ralph. I don't think I made it. Oh, I said. And this has actually been attributed to me, but it's not as much as attributed, where it's. The line was. King Candy says, you wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you? And he takes off my glasses and hits me with him. And I say, oh, you hit a guy with glasses. Well played. I just said, well played was. Was what I added. But I didn't. I didn't. I don't know if I. If I added too much in that one.

Nathan Fillion (51:23)

Rogue One, these are just going to

Alan Tudyk (51:25)

be one after the. A lot of the lines in Rogue One are mine because when we made that movie, the script kept changing, so. And also I was motion captured, so I could blow every take with new lines as long as I was basically saying the same thing. It was. So I can't imagine. I mean, Diego Luna, God bless him, Because I would say the line once. And then after that, I was like, I can say whatever I want. There's that scene where we're coming up. We're in Jeddah and we're leaving. We're like, we better get out of here. There's a lot of Imperial troops around. And he goes, troy, where are you going with those prisoners? I turn around and I say, prisoners? Yes, these are prisoners which I'm taking to prison to imprison them in prison or some version of that, Right? Yes. Basically saying the same thing. Stop right there. Where are you taking these prisoners? These Are prisoners?

Nathan Fillion (52:21)

Yes.

Alan Tudyk (52:21)

Where are you taking them? I am taking them to imprison them in prison. And then there was another flub like this. This speaks to how much the script was changing, was that Diego showed up on set with a split lip. And that had been painted on.

Nathan Fillion (52:38)

Yes.

Alan Tudyk (52:38)

And the director goes, why do you have that? He's like, I don't know how to fucking come in so early to get this thing. And he said, oh, I know why. Oh, that was from the. You got your split lip because you were interrogated, but the interrogation scene is cut, so you don't have that split lip here anymore, so you need to go take it off. He's like, I showed up early to get this fucking thing on. Can't we just leave it on? What if he hits me and he's kind of like, kind of joking, kind of serious? I was like, yeah. Oh, I'll hit him and tell him to be quiet. I'll hit him as a. As a prisoner. Like, that's how loose it was, man. It was loose. So that's. So that was kind of how well we came up with. And then I said, and there's a fresh one if you mouth off again. Taking us to the quiet. And there's a fresh one if you mouth off again.

Nathan Fillion (53:26)

That is my phone ring when you call me. That's what it's. So let me. So I'm going to tell you my favorite lines that you say in your projects. By and large, I find out you wrote them.

Alan Tudyk (53:45)

That's very cool. The fact that you feel that way and that people, when I go to comic Cons, will say, hey, could you write this on the picture? And a lot of times they're the lines that I came up with. You know, it's called Last hello, All that kind of crap from, you know, that from a Knight's Tale, that it made me want to write. I was like, well, maybe I should just write things because I. I guess I can collaborate with a writer. Maybe I could do some on my own. And that's why I wrote Con Man. It was from that encouragement. So it's your fault. Con man is your fault. Any problems that are arise from that, again, Nathan's fault. And I'm still writing stuff. I'm writing that other thing right now, which we were discussing earlier, and maybe one day I'll be able to share it with everyone. But I'm writing again, which is fun.

Nathan Fillion (54:31)

Before we move on, I just want to say that often in your stories, when you have other people, you do an impression of them. Rather than just tell me what they said, you put on the person. Diego Luna is fantastic.

Alan Tudyk (54:45)

I could come on set and the whole crew would be there, like, what are we doing today? And they'd all turn around and go, ah, Alan, that's Jesus. How's Diego? Diego's great. He's great. And the fact that he has not won any awards for andor is.

Nathan Fillion (55:02)

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, Allen. And you imitate people all the time.

Alan Tudyk (55:07)

Yeah, I do. I do. Yeah.

Nathan Fillion (55:12)

Okay, here's mine. You ready?

Alan Tudyk (55:14)

Yes, Please tell me.

Nathan Fillion (55:16)

I did a bit in a little movie called Percy Jackson's Sea of Monsters. I had a small scene where I'm walking around and I'm showing these kids this phenomenal Federal Express style package delivery service that I have as Hermes the messenger God. The director said, we have about, like, 30 seconds between this and this. So just come up with something in there. 30 seconds of something to. All right. Okay. That's a lot. Yeah. But they had a great framework. They had great stuff for me to work with. And I just said, oh, I can turn this into this joke. I can say this, this, this, this and that, blah, blah, blah. We do this lovely scene with the incredible Logan Lerman. And Alexandra Daddario was there. He's so young at the time, still doing fantastic, those guys. But just. I gotta tell you, they are just pros. They just. Yes, they were young, man. They knew their stuff. They did great work.

Alan Tudyk (56:09)

Yeah, Yeah. I worked with Logan once. He's a good guy. Yeah.

Nathan Fillion (56:12)

I've worked with him a couple times over the years. And just, I. I love these guys. They're very good workers. Anyway, we did a scene. We do their scene, and I say something very, hey, hey, hey, buddy. And I pull Percy over and I say, just so you know, if you see my son, tell them, you know. And I say something kind of heartfelt and warm and gonna drop the bravado for once. And then I send them off and. All right, see you guys later. And as they walk off, I just. The scene's over. So I just, you know, once the scene's over, I think his gloves off. You can do whatever you like.

Alan Tudyk (56:41)

Yeah.

Nathan Fillion (56:41)

And I said, they'll never make it. That's lunch.

Alan Tudyk (56:50)

I need to watch this movie. I have not watched it.

Nathan Fillion (56:52)

The. That's lunch was literally something I say to the crew whenever I say, all right, that's it. That's lunch. That's a wrap, everybody. And I always say it, like, far too early. It's never Lunch. And it's never a wrap, but it's something. I just. I'll do something and go, that's a wrap. And clearly it's not a wrap. So I did my last bit. They'll never make it. And then screamed out to the crew, that's lunch. And they a kept it in a move in the movie. And between those two lines, actually I said, they'll never make it. A bell goes up.

Alan Tudyk (57:23)

That's lunch.

Nathan Fillion (57:25)

So they just. Yeah, they used it to great effect. I was.

Alan Tudyk (57:28)

Oh, fantastic.

Nathan Fillion (57:29)

More than pleased that they did that. And another one. Now I'm hesitant to say that I wrote it because I think I've mentioned Kelly before. One of their camp assistants, where we have a secret handshake. I think she wrote this one. This is the rookie. This is John Nolan and his lovely wife Bailey, played by the lovely Janet Dewan. She's starting to decorate the house with some of her stuff because she's gonna move. She has this crappy ceramic gnome that she's made in some pottery glass. She's like her. She's got a thing for trying to do art, but it's like the one thing she's not good at. She does all these incredible things, but this is the one thing that she just can't get a grip on. But I said, no, we're. Put it right here on the shelf. It's going to be great. And then there's a bit of a tremor and it falls off. And she's thinking about signs. And is this the sign? It falls off and it cracks and it smashes on the ground. And I said, hey, I'm sure that that doesn't mean anything. And we're just looking at this thing and then I pop up and I go, but you never. Gnome.

Alan Tudyk (58:29)

I like it.

Nathan Fillion (58:30)

But I waited so long for the scene to be over that I was safe and just doing it because it was just for me and the crew just for us to laugh. But they kept it in along with this extremely pregnant pause.

Alan Tudyk (58:46)

Yeah, man, that's great. I had in 28 days with Sandra Bullock. I was on this. It was a rehab movie with Sandra Bullock and her and I are both up on. We're being belayed. Like we're. We're in repelling gear. I mean, God, what a crazy. What a group of people, man. It's like such cool. Cool. I. It was one of my first movies ever. I. You know, your first ones. You have so much fun. And Sandra Bulk. Sandy was just fantastic.

Nathan Fillion (59:17)

Name drop.

Alan Tudyk (59:19)

Anyway, we're up on this thing, I'm wearing a harness all day long. And sweatpants, these green sweatpants. I played this crazy person named Gerhard Weinocht, who was very emotional. He's always crying. A lot of my characters cry, I've realized. Interesting. But anyway, I. He's very emotional guy, very sensitive. I'm up there for hours, and the blood is rushed to my nether regions. Also, I have a harness on, and this thing's like lycra thin. And the strap, you can see from below, you can see that whole region there is being highlighted.

Nathan Fillion (59:57)

Throttled.

Alan Tudyk (59:58)

Throttled. That's more what it was. It was being throttled. And I had made. There was a joke that I had. We all wrote our histories of our characters. The director asked us to do that. Betty Thomas asked us to do that. And I mind. He was a stripper. And I had these stripper dances I would do off camera for the crew where I was pointing in these weird ways. Basically, all my stripper dance was just me pointing at my junk. And so we finished the scene. Again, there's a cut. This is back when there's film. She yells. Betty yells, cut. And I look down at my region and I said, oh, my God, look at my package. And I point in this really weird way with a long arm and a finger at the end, and I point. Which was part of one of my stripper dances. But even though she'd yelled cut, there was still film going through the camera, and it ended up in the movie. And they just took her cut out of the thing and it's in there. Oh, my God, look at my package. And I point at my dick.

Nathan Fillion (60:55)

I remember this moment.

Alan Tudyk (60:57)

Yeah, it was a beautiful. I was very. I was very proud of that. When it finally came out of that moment, specifically, Betty was a big one with. Who's got another joke? I don't like this joke. I don't. Anybody got anything they want to use? And I'd be like, are you serious? Oh, I got two. If I'm standing over there, I can say this. And if I do this, you'd be like, the first one. No, that's too complicated. We'll do the second one if we have time. She'd go round. Round the room. If anybody has a good idea, I will.

Nathan Fillion (61:21)

I will remind any writers out there listening at this moment that by no means do I think or does Alan think that we're smarter than writers and we're better than writers. But I also believe that comedy, especially, is a team sport. And a couple of actors who have Been doing it for a few decades. Everybody brings something to the table. And a super smart person will bring five great ideas to work, but get ready to go with one that's better. Yeah.

Alan Tudyk (61:55)

My favorite jokes that. Since I mentioned comment, my favorite jokes in comment were from other people. They're the ones that make me laugh the most. Yeah. All right, Nathan, is this another podcast? Did we do it? Feels like we did it, Ellen.

Nathan Fillion (62:08)

Not only did we do it, we keep doing it. This is 16 now. We did. And a Christmas special. We had a Christmas special. Alan, have you been talking to anybody who listens to your podcast?

Alan Tudyk (62:29)

No. Yes.

Nathan Fillion (62:31)

Nobody, you know listens to your podcast.

Alan Tudyk (62:34)

Chad. Shout out to Chad. Who? I go to his gym in Los Angeles. Not a sponsor. Get ripped with Chad. He's listened to it.

Nathan Fillion (62:44)

What does he say? What are the reactions that you're getting?

Alan Tudyk (62:47)

I think they're positive. They're positive. They're positive. I feel like you're getting more positive than me. I don't know.

Nathan Fillion (62:54)

I do.

Alan Tudyk (62:54)

I don't. Maybe I don't talk to people. Try not to talk to people. You know, people out there pushing it.

Nathan Fillion (63:02)

Alan, I'm pushing this show. Oh, you have.

Alan Tudyk (63:05)

I need to push.

Nathan Fillion (63:06)

I'm sure you'll find time, like, throw a little guilt in there. I think I might be hanging out with more supportive people. That's all.

Alan Tudyk (63:13)

Certainly.

Nathan Fillion (63:13)

Your wife listens to your podcast. No.

Alan Tudyk (63:16)

Carissa. Should she? She doesn't listen to it. My family doesn't listen to it. Alan's brother and sister absolutely listen to the podcast.

Nathan Fillion (63:29)

Does your family appreciate your sense of humor? Alan, I know that you're a bit of a black sheep in your family.

Alan Tudyk (63:34)

I think I was. I think I've come out on the other side now, and I'm a little better. I think they do appreciate my humor. I think they do. I really do. I think they. They. They know I'm a little.

Nathan Fillion (63:45)

He's out there. But, you know, they can't argue your success, though.

Alan Tudyk (63:49)

My mom. Last time I was there, I was doing a fast. I was doing a fast to try to get in shape, and somebody's telling me, fasts are really good for your body. It resets your stomach and you. Your biome. Your stomach biome, and it helps your brain and all this stuff. So I was at their house not eating for almost 48 hours.

Nathan Fillion (64:08)

Recipe for disaster.

Alan Tudyk (64:09)

Recipe for disaster. And I was. It was surprisingly great. But my mom was eating, and she was like, I'm done. And I was like. And she's. There's still food on her plate. And I said, mom, you're not going to finish that. There are people right next to you who are starving. And she. She laughed. A genuine laugh that was really great. There are people right next to you who are starving. Because I heard it from her my entire life. There are people in China who are starving. I don't know where they got that. I don't know if there were, but it was a callback with a twist from my mom, and she. She got every. Every part of the joke and laughed. A genuine laugh. And a genuine laugh for your mom is one of the best things you could ever.

Nathan Fillion (64:51)

Exactly. You know, my mom always comments that I was a quirky kid, you know,

Alan Tudyk (64:55)

and you wrote a unicycle. Yes, that's right. Barely touches it. But.

Nathan Fillion (64:59)

Yeah, so. But my parents were extremely supportive. They just wanted me to find an interest in something, be interested in something, do something. I was a little all over the place. I was a bit of. I was. I was a real daydreamer. But, boy, I loved movies. I loved TV shows, and I loved that stuff like this. And my mom kind of laughs. Kind of. She definitely laughs and says all those things that we kind of laughed about and kind of worried a little bit about. Kind of like, I hope this works out okay. Was all preparing you for this incredible career you've built. It's all. It's all lining up now.

Alan Tudyk (65:37)

How beautiful. Oh, that's a. That's a really good relationship. It sounds like, that you and your mom have.

Nathan Fillion (65:43)

Listen, my folks are extremely supportive and. And love to live vicariously through me and love to hear about my adventures all the time, and, man, and this. That is this life. This life that we have, this incredible journey we're on is an adventure day after day.

Alan Tudyk (66:04)

Yeah, it is. It is.

Nathan Fillion (66:08)

When you have an experience with these incredible actors from all over the industry, you're going, oh, yeah, I'm rubbing novels with these guys. And he called me the other day, and it's special. It is special.

Alan Tudyk (66:21)

Yeah, I'm. Yeah, we're lucky. Hey, buddy, I could talk with you forever. Let's keep doing it. Let's do number 17 next.

Nathan Fillion (66:29)

You want to keep going?

Alan Tudyk (66:30)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's just keep going. There's so many other things. There's so many. Oh, buddy, wait till I tell you about the weirdest direction I got on a. This sort of evolving direction I was getting on this movie that ended up going to such a weird place.

Nathan Fillion (66:49)

I'm writing this down so we have something to talk about. The next time. Weirdest direction.

Alan Tudyk (66:55)

Well, I want to know what, you know, what season you are, makeup wise. So we have. There's so much more to cover. Are you a spring or a summer? Are you a fall? Are you an autumn?

Nathan Fillion (67:05)

I don't know that.

Alan Tudyk (67:06)

You know, this is what we're going to get. We're going to nail that down.

Nathan Fillion (67:09)

I don't know that would.

Alan Tudyk (67:10)

You look good in capri pants. This is what the Mademoiselle getting to know your person better. That's. That's what these things.

Nathan Fillion (67:18)

Your magazine questionnaires. You're looking at. We got to get some from Vogue. We got to get one from Mademoiselle and from Tiger Beat.

Alan Tudyk (67:30)

Stop talking. We'll save it for next time. Oh, my God. Thank you for listening. You just bless your heart. You know what? If you haven't yet, why you don't you head on over to our Patreon. You're gonna get some bonus content. That's extra content. They're longer episodes. There's more there. You know what's better than less? More. You also get a chance to get your hands on some incredible crap. The kind you don't need to wash off after you're done. And if you love the show, please leave us a review and tell your friends. Once we were spaceman as a collision 33 production. The hell that is. The show's produced by Michelle Chapman, Siobhan Holman. Oh, yeah. And Josh Levy. I wear them jeans. He is of collision 33. It's all starting to make sense. It's edited and mixed and produced by Resident Records with special thanks to Courtney Blomquist and Adam Townsell. Are they music? Stunned by Carlos Sosa. The groove line horns guy. Yeah. And Joshua Moore. Artwork is done by Lewis Jensen. Until next time. I swear to God, I love you. The hell is the scooter.