Barriers to Forgiveness - Yana Conner

Summary

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ONE | A Potter’s House Church Podcast

Episode: Barriers to Forgiveness - Yana Conner
Date: October 27, 2025
Guest Teacher: Yana Conner
Host: ONE | A Potter’s House Church
Main Passage: Matthew 18:21–35
Theme: Understanding and overcoming the barriers to forgiveness as taught by Jesus.

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on the profound challenge and transformative power of forgiveness as described in Jesus’s parable of the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:21–35). Yana Conner candidly shares her personal journey with forgiveness—particularly the long road of forgiving her father—and lays out the biblical and practical reasons why forgiveness is central to the Christian life. The discussion carefully explores both theological context and the deeply human struggle to forgive, ending with actionable wisdom for real spiritual growth.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Universal Need for Forgiveness

• Everyone Has a Forgiveness Story:
  Yana opens with her own experience of pain and betrayal, emphasizing that all listeners carry wounds that require the work of forgiveness.
  • “Everyone in this room has suffered the pain of offense ... There's not one person in this room who has not been disappointed.” (03:30)

2. The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant (Matthew 18:21–35)

• Peter’s Question and Jesus’s Radical Response:
  Peter asks if forgiving seven times is enough—a number beyond the norm. Jesus responds with “seventy-seven times,” symbolizing boundless forgiveness.
  • “Jesus says seventy times seven ... To reveal to Peter and to us that this is more than reasonable, he tells this parable.” (06:44)
• Explanations of Debt:
  • The first servant’s debt: 10,000 talents = ~$13.2 billion (deemed unpayable).
  • The second owed 100 denarii = $6,000.

3. Why Does Jesus Call Us to Forgive?

• Forgiven People Forgive:
  • “Forgiven people forgive. That is the biblical expectation ... that if you have been forgiven, you will forgive.” (11:17)
• Forgiveness is the “ethic and practice of the kingdom” in contrast to the world’s norm of canceling and cutting off.
• “In Jesus’s kingdom, we forgive. We don’t cancel. We don’t ghost. We don’t spar, offense for offense. We take up the hard work of forgiveness.” (12:10)

4. Barriers to Forgiveness

Yana identifies and tackles four barriers:

a. Emotional Pain

• Personal Betrayal & Church Hurt:
  • “...it’s one thing for someone who doesn’t know Christ to hurt you, but it’s a completely other thing for someone who does...” (16:53)
• Counsel: Healing is often the first step.
  • “Make yourself available to the healing process ... No one is healed alone. We are healed in community.” (18:55)

b. Anger

• Anger as a Justice Emotion:
  • “Anger is your justice emotion ... What do you do with your anger? Do you submit it to God or to your anger?” (21:12)
• Psalm 37 Guidance:
  • “Trust in the Lord and do good... We can forgive when we know that God is on the case. We can forgive when we remember that God says, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay.’” (23:07)
  • “God can get them back better than you can, so leave it with him.” (23:44)

c. Forgiveness Amnesia

• Forgetting Our Own Need for Grace:
  • Yana describes holding onto her father’s failings for years until realizing her own bitterness resembled the unmerciful servant.
  • “When we refuse to forgive, we are doing the work of forgetting ... the mercy and the grace that we’ve received.” (25:45)
• Practical Step:
  • “Go reach for the cross. Remember what Jesus has done for you and ask him for grace to do the same.” (27:28)

d. Lack of Clarity About Forgiveness

• What Forgiveness Is/Isn’t:
  • “Forgiveness is a merciful decision to release an offender of their debt and not retaliate against them in anger ... It’s not the decision to reconcile ... or to just blindly trust again.” (28:30)
• Memorable Quote:
  • “We do not forgive people because they deserve it. We forgive people because when we didn’t deserve it, God forgave us.” (29:10)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Norms of Forgiveness:
  “We don’t cancel. We don’t ghost ... Forgiveness is the expectation, the ethos, the ethic, and the practice of the kingdom.” (12:20)
• On the Healing Process:
  “No one is healed alone. We are healed in community.” (18:55)
• On God’s Justice:
  “God can get them back better than you can ... but even let that reality stir up compassion and mercy for your offender.” (23:44)
• Personal Vulnerability:
  “For me, anger is probably my biggest barrier to forgiveness. But I have found some help in Psalm 37...” (21:56)
• Forgiveness Defined:
  “Forgiveness is a merciful decision to release an offender of their debt and to not retaliate against them in anger.” (28:30)
• Forgiveness Process in Relationships:
  • “I made the merciful decision that every time [my dad] would call, I would either pick up or call him back ... When I would go home, I would make a point to see him. I made the decision to cease the passive aggressive behavior.” (31:26)
• On Forgiving vs. Forgetting:
  “I grew up where people would say, ‘forgive and forget.’ Sometimes you just can’t forget— it’s in my core memory. ... I had to make the decision to throw my dad’s sins into the depths of the sea and to not draw them back up.” (32:00)

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Practical Q&A & Takeaways

(29:58–38:07)

How do you know when you've really forgiven?

• “You just make the decision ... Part of that was working through my pain ... I had to make the decision to treat him differently.” (30:50)
• Forgiveness resolutions: Make a merciful decision on how to act, even as emotions catch up.

The difference between toxicity and humanity

• “Sometimes what we’re calling toxic is just human. Toxicity is abuse, lying, manipulation. Humanity is imperfection.” (33:19)
• Invite community for discernment:
  • “If you can’t discern, invite others to help you.” (34:30)
• If someone is consistently abusive even after confrontation, “Jesus thinks you should restructure the relationship.” (34:54)

Does forgiveness always mean reconciliation?

• No; forgiveness does not require ongoing relationship if harm is ongoing or unaddressed. (36:00)
• “Even if a relationship ends, we still have to forgive— so our heart can be free.” (35:45)

How do we live fearlessly in unsafe spaces?

• “You can’t trust your dad ... but you can trust God ... even if your dad hurts you again, God is going to heal you.” (37:00)
• Quoting 1 Peter 5:10 (“He will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen…”)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [03:30] Yana’s story & universality of offense
• [06:44] Breakdown of Matthew 18; radical call to forgiveness
• [11:17] Core reason: Forgiven people forgive
• [16:53] Barriers Introduction—Emotional pain & church hurt
• [21:12] On anger & justice; Psalm 37 guidance
• [23:44] Trusting God for justice
• [25:45] Forgiveness amnesia; personal story about her father
• [28:30] Definition of forgiveness
• [31:26] Practical resolutions in hard relationships
• [33:19] Toxicity, humanity, and drawing healthy boundaries
• [35:45] When forgiveness does not restore a relationship
• [37:00] Living fearlessly; trusting God, not people

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Final Thoughts

This episode offers not just inspiration but actionable wisdom grounded in Scripture and lived experience. Yana Conner’s teaching invites listeners into honest reflection about their own pain and barriers, equipping them with biblical truths and practical steps to move forward in forgiveness, as part and proof of life in God’s kingdom.

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Transcript

[A]

Foreign.

[B]

Hey, good people, this is Torre Roberts. Blessings to you and welcome to the ONE Podcast. I'm excited that you're here. ONE is a community of dynamic and vibrant thought leaders, preachers, teachers, and just a community of wonderful people all together. And we're excited to bring you this weekly podcast from our services from ONE in la. If you haven't been to one, I encourage you to check it out. You can go to one the Word one O N E online and find out all about the service times and all about the teachers and all the philanthropic things that we have going. I believe you're going to be blessed to be a part of it. And speaking of being blessed, we're getting ready to get into a teaching right now that I believe is going to bless you. So tune in, enjoy, and I'll be back with you at the end.

[C]

What's good one y'. All, Let me just tell y', all, y' all are good looking. Okay? Y' all some good looking people. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be with you this morning. I do not take it for granted. Like Dr. Anita said, we met around 2019. And I remember that phone call. She actually stole my introduction. I remember that phone call and I remember how desperate I felt. I remember how I didn't think that God was more than able. I thought that this was the end of the road for me. You see, I'd been in ministry for 10 years, I had gotten a degree, but there was nowhere for me to serve. I remember somebody even saying like, yeah, girl, I believe that God's called you to preach, but just not here. And that was painful. And so I remember being on the phone with Dr. Anita and I was like, I'm done. Get me out of here immediately, quickly. And the Lord used her to pull me out of that pit, that pit of hopelessness, to call me back to the calling that he had for me. And so I'm so glad to be here. Thank you. I feel like we are living in your prayers, the prayers that you prayed that day. Well, friends, if you have your Bibles, go ahead and meet me in Matthew 18, Matthew, chapter 18. We're going to be in verses 21 through, through 35 where we're gonna be looking at Jesus's parable of the unforgiving servant. And we're gonna be talking about forgiveness. We're gonna be talking about why Jesus calls us to forgive. What is forgiveness and how do we actually do it? Cause I'll be honest with you, early on in my walk with the Lord, I would come to church, I would hear a sermon on forgiveness and I would feel convicted and I would maybe even feel inspired. But I didn't know how to do it. I knew that Jesus had called me to do it, but I didn't really understand why. Also, when I did come to understand why he had called me to do it, I did not know how. And so my prayer today is that you will walk away not just with inspiration, but also with application for how do we obey Jesus? Command to forgive. Now, anytime I enter a room like this and we're gonna be talking about forgiveness, I have to contend with the reality that everyone in this room has a forgiveness story. That everyone in this room has suffered the pain of offense. There's not one person in this room who has not been disappointed. There's not one person in this room who has not been sinned against. We have all had to wrestle with unmet expectations. We all have offenders in our lives. So I know that as we walk through this text today that there are going to be names, there are going to be places, there are going to be faces that come to your mind. And I want you to allow God to sit with you in that because he wants to sit with you in that today. Because here's the thing, friends. In a broken and fallen world, offense will happen. On any given day, someone can sin against us and we can sin against them. On any given day, we can find ourselves hurt in small ways and also in life changing ways. But even still, when it happens, let's just be honest, it hurts in an all peculiar way.

[A]

Why?

[C]

Because we didn't see it coming. We didn't see it coming. We thought that we were safe. We didn't see the conflict coming. We didn't see the disappointment coming. We didn't see the cheating or the breakup or the divorce coming. We didn't see the emotional or spiritual or physical abuse coming. We thought that we were safe. And maybe, like me, you didn't see that friendship that was once marked by laughter, acceptance and trust and joy becoming a friendship that was then marked by jealousy, competition and betrayal. You see, we weren't just friends, we were sisters. We lived together. We shared meals together. We went to school together for a season. We shared a car together. We were living out Acts 2 where it says that we are to share all things in common. We went to church together. We were in a small group together. We stayed up late dreaming about the future and the mystery of God's call on our lives together. We prayed for one another and then it changed before I knew it. There was jealousy. Before I knew it, there was envy. Before I knew it, there was deceit. And I did not see it coming. And I remember wrestling with the Lord about this one night because I was like, I'm a Christian. I'm gonna try to do the Christian thing and forgive. But it was hard because let me tell you something. It's hard to forgive somebody when they right in front of your face, okay? Now if they in another state, maybe we can do that. But when you write in my face, my God. And I remember telling the Lord, I'm done. I'm done with this friendship. I'm done holding my tongue. I'm done loving my sisters whose actions have been like an enemy to me. I'm done forgiving. Like Peter. In Matthew, chapter 18, verses 21 through 22, I was having this conversation with Jesus, asking him, lord, how often will my sister sin against me? And I have to forgive her as many as seven times. But Jesus response to me and Peter was is, I do not say to you seven times, but 77 times. Now, you may be wondering what Jesus is doing, because 77, bruh, really? Okay. Like, that's like infinity into beyond, right? You. You also may be wondering why Peter chose the number seven. Well, in Peter's context, the rabbis would teach that if you forgave somebody three times, then you could cut them off, right? So they live by the three strikes and you're out rule. And so Peter's like, you know, I've been walking with Jesus. I heard his Sermon on the Mount where he said, love your enemies and turn the other cheek. So I'm gonna go above three. I'm gonna go for seven. Cause that's a good number, right? It's the number of completion, and at that point, it's complete, right? We should be done. God bless you and your family. But no. Jesus says 70 times 7. And I imagine that when Peter and the other disciples heard Jesus say this, that they thought Jesus was being unreasonable, because I think Jesus is being unreasonable too. But to reveal to Peter and to reveal to us that 70 times 7 is more than reasonable. Jesus tells this parable starting in verse 23. We're going to read all the way down to verse 35. Jesus says, Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wishes to settle accounts with his servant. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him 10,000 talents. If you're wondering how much money that is, that's $13.2 billion. One commentator puts it, It's 40 lifetimes worth of money. And since he could not pay, because who can pay that? His master ordered him to be sold with his wife and children and all that he had in payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, have mercy on me and I will pay you everything. And out of pity, meaning out of compassion and mercy for him, the master of the servant released him and forgave him the debt. But when this same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him 100 denarii, owed him $6,000, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, pay what you owe for his fellow servant. Somebody say, fellow fell down and pleaded with him, have patience with me, and I will pay you. But he refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. Then the master summoned him and said, you wicked servant, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should you not have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on me on you? And in anger, his servant delivered him to the jailers until he could pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you if you do not forgive your brother from your heart. Beloved, in this last verse, we find the answer to our first question, why does Jesus call us to forgive? Forgive. It's this because forgiven people forgive. That is the biblical expectation. That is, Jesus's expectation is that if you have been forgiven, you will forgive. If you have received mercy, that you will extend mercy. You see, in our Bibles, in almost every instance that Jesus is talking about forgiveness, he is also talking about the kingdom. In the Lord's Prayer, the kingdom that Jesus prays would come is a kingdom where the citizens forgive their debtors as they have been forgiven. In Jesus's inaugural sermon, where he's setting up the norms of the kingdom, calling his people, his followers, to forgive and to turn the other cheek, he's speaking of the kingdom. And here when Jesus begins to explain why his followers are called to forgive the someone not three times and not seven times, but 77 times, he says, the kingdom of heaven may be compared to. Or as the NIV put it, the kingdom of heaven is like, what is Jesus saying here is that in his kingdom, his citizens forgive. Forgiven people forgive. Beloved, if you are in this room and you consider yourself a follower of Jesus, a disciple, someone who has been bought by the precious blood of Jesus Christ. You are a citizen of of God's kingdom. And in his kingdom, we forgive. We don't cancel. We don't ghost, we don't quiet quit in our friendships. We don't spar with someone eye for eye or offense for offense. When someone sins against us, we take up the arduous, the hard work of forgiveness. Why? Because we have been forgiven. You see, forgiveness is the cultural norm, the expectation, the ethos, the ethic and the practice of the kingdom. Let's be honest, forgiveness is not the norm, the expectation, the ethos, the ethic, or the practice of the kingdom of this world. No, the norm is canceling. The expectation is to get your lick back. The ethos is to do what only serves you. The ethic is to protect your peace, not to make peace. The practice is to remove toxic people from your life. Now, we gotta talk about this for a second. And I know we're just getting to know each other, but can we be honest? Sometimes what we're calling toxic is just human. You see, toxicity is abuse. It's lying, it's being manipulative. It doesn't mean that someone won't sin against you, because remember, we live in a broken and fallen world with broken and fallen people, and you are one of them. And see, this is the thing that is really hypocritical about unforgiveness is that when we sin against somebody, we want grace. When we sin against somebody, we want mercy. We want somebody to give us the benefit of the doubt. But when someone sins against us, we ain't got none of that for them because that is the norm of the world, of the culture. But beloved, in Jesus kingdom we forgive. And this makes sense, right? Because how did you enter into the kingdom? Were you not saved by grace through faith? Was it not God's forgiveness that brought you into his family? Did we not just sing about a God who looked away from our sins and poured it out on Christ so that we could be forgiven, so that we could be his children and reconcile with him, is this not our entrance into the kingdom? So of course it's ethic. This is who we are called to be. And if God in his grace and mercy has forgiven us of all of our sin and freed us from the sin, penalty of death, how can we withhold forgiveness from others? How can you and I not pay it forward by extending to others the mercy that we've received? And friends, this is important because every time we forgive someone, we proclaim the Gospel. Every time we forgive someone, we put the gospel on display. And the hope is that someone would say, if they can forgive me, maybe God can forgive me too. See, friends, this is bigger than you. This is bigger than me. Yes, it hurts. It's painful. But every time. Every time we forgive someone, we proclaim the gospel. We make Jesus and his mercy known. Forgiven people forgive, but the decision to forgive does not come easy. So I'm not here to, you know, beat you over the head. I've personally found it to be one of Jesus's hardest commands in Scripture. And I know I'm not alone. And so I want to share with you four reasons why I think forgiveness is hard. Four barriers to forgiveness. And I pray that I can give you some practical help so that you can move through these barriers. Not get over it, but move through them. The first one is our emotional pain. The second one is our anger. The third one is forgiveness, amnesia. And then the last one is our lack of clarity of what forgiveness is and how we do it. So let's start with our emotional pain. When my sister friend betrayed my trust, it felt like an earthquake had gone off in my life. The pain of her offense left me in an I can't eat, I can't sleep kind of state. My whole world had been shook because I didn't see it coming. And, you know, it's one thing for someone who doesn't know Christ to hurt you, but it's a completely other thing for someone who does know Christian to hurt you. Because it's like, don't we live by the same ethic and we are part of the same king? Like, shouldn't we be helping one another, not offending and sinning against one another? Can I tell you something I'm learning in real time right now? It's tough. There are no safe places. The church. The church is not even completely and utterly safe. It's not safe from sin. It's not safe from offense. Even in this gathering where people love each other, where people care about one another, where you're looking out for one another, even in this space, we can unintentionally and intentionally hurt one another. You see, a Christian being a Christian means that I have just confessed that I am a sinner. It doesn't mean that I'm not gonna sin again, right? And so the church isn't a perfect place. The church is a place filled with imperfect people who have all confessed their imperfections, who have all said, I need Jesus. I need someone to save me. I need someone to Change me because I cannot change myself. And I don't say this to excuse sin when it happens in the church, because we still gotta deal with that. So that's not my point. But my point is this, is that it will happen. And when it does happen, I don't want you to be so shocked by it that you can't come back on Sunday. I don't want you to be so shocked by it that you can't come back on Wednesday. I don't want you to be so shocked by it that you can't serve. I want you to be able to be prepared on the day when offense makes its way in the church so that you can be reconciled to your brother or sister. So, friends, if this is you, if pain is your greatest barrier to forgive, I want to offer you some counsel, if I can. That's easier said than done. And it's this. Make yourself available to the healing process. Make yourself available to the healing process. Yes, Jesus called you forgive, but maybe just put that to the side for a second and focus on healing so that you can create enough space emotionally to obey Jesus. And so how do you make yourself available to the healing process? It's this. It's saying what you need to say to God. Saying what you need to say to God. You cannot forgive something that you are not willing to honestly acknowledge. So say what you need to say to God in prayer and also say it to others. Because here's the thing. We are healed in community. No one is healed alone. We are healed in community. And we need people in our lives who are going to mirror those painful experiences. Mirror it with their love and their compassion and their understanding. And then also, and I know you already know this, get the counseling that you need.

[A]

Hallelujah.

[C]

Yeah, get the counseling that you need. You see, counseling. I think we feel like we gotta, if we, you know, like it's bad to go to counseling because it means that something's wrong with us. No, it just means you're a human being. And most of the time, what we're doing in counseling, we're just learning how to cope. We're just learning how to cope with adverse experiences. And we need that kind of skill because we live in a broken and fallen world with broken and fallen people. In addition to our pain, another barrier is anger. Anger is your justice. Emotion. When someone treats us or someone we love unjustly, we get angry. And this is a natural response. It's actually even a God given response. Because when sin happens in God's world, he gets Angry. But his anger is not fueled by hate. His anger is fueled by love. And so when something we love, when someone we love is being abused or mistreated, including ourselves, it is right for us to get angry. The question is, what do you do with your anger? Do you submit your anger to God and trust him with it, or do you submit to your anger and sin? Paul says, you can be angry. He says, don't sin. So what do you do with your anger? Does your anger lead you to go to God in prayer? Or does it lead you to take things into your own hands and retaliate against those who offend you? Do you submit your anger to God and His commands? Or do you submit your anger to your anger, hardening your heart with bitterness and seeking any measure of revenge possible? Even if it's as small as a silent treatment, even if it's as small as sending a passive aggressive text or just getting the last word in an argument, where do you allow your anger to lead you? For me, anger is probably my biggest barrier to forgiveness. But I have found some help in Psalm 37 for how to move through my anger. You see, in Psalm 37, David the Psalmist write, he says, fret not yourself because of evildoers. Be not envious of wrongdoers. That word fret is not an anxious word. It's an angry filled way. It's like describing that your anger is anxious. It can't sit still. It's a busybody. It needs to relieve itself. But David says, don't fret yourself because of evildoers. Why? For they will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb. But friends, this isn't just nature taking its course. This isn't just karma doing its thing. No behind this is God. In Psalm 37, 6, he says, he, meaning God, will bring forth your righteousness as the light and your justice as the noonday. I love the way that this is written. I love the way that this was written because it could easily have been said that God will cause his righteousness and and his justice to shine like the noonday sun, but it doesn't. It says your righteousness. It says your justice to shine like the noonday sun. And I love this because he could have just said it was his and that would have given me the insurance that he would have took care of it. But he says that it's yours.

[A]

Why?

[C]

Because he loves you. Why? Because he's interested in your case. Why? Because he cares about the offense that you experience. And he wants you to know that he is going to work on your behalf. He's not going to just work on his behalf, he's going to work on your behalf. So in light of this, in light of the fact that we can trust God to execute justice on our behalf, the psalmist's instruction to you and I is to stop fretting and instead to do this. In 37, verse 3, he says, Trust in the Lord and do good. Trust in the Lord and do good. Meaning trust God to execute justice on your behalf. And. And to do good by forgiving those who have hurt. You see, we can forgive when we know that God is on the case. We can forgive when we remember that God says, vengeance is mine, says the Lord, I will repay. And let me tell you something. God can get them back better than you can, so leave it with him. But even let that reality to stir in your heart, compassion and mercy for your offender. Because if they do not repent, if they stay in their sins, they will feel God's judgment. And we shouldn't want that for them. We should want them to change. We should want them to turn from their sins and place their faith in Christ. So if anger is your primary barrier to forgiveness, here's your homework. Submit your anger and its impulses to God. Yeah, yeah, that was for me. Trust God to execute justice on your behalf and do good. Forgive, forgive. And when it's hard to forgive, remember the mercy and the grace that you've received. Which leads us to our third one. It's our forgiveness amnesia. You see, we often are like this unforgiving servant in this parable that we came down to the altar snotting, crying. I was snotting so bad, I'm sure an usher had snot on them. I'm very sorry for that. We came down to the altar snotting, crying, lord, forgive me. Pleading for his mercy, pleading for his grace. And then we get up from this place and we don't extend that mercy and that grace to others. Friends. I had to come to this reality when it came to my relationship with my dad. You see, when I came to know the Lord, there were three things I knew I needed to do immediately. I needed to break up with my boyfriend. We don't have to talk about that. And I needed to find Christian community on my college campus. But I also needed to forgive my dad. Those first two things were pretty easy to do. That Last one was 11 year journey of me just trying and failing and trying and failing and trying and failing. And I remember reading this passage of scripture and Seeing myself like that unforgiving servant with my hand around my dad's neck, I was holding him to a standard that he could not keep. I was not allowing him to be a human. I was not allowing him to be someone who was also contending with the reality of living in a broken world and fallen people. And the Lord was like, let go. Let go. Remember how I sent my son into the world to die on the cross for your sins. That I allowed him to be hung on a cross for you. That I allowed his blood to be spilled for you. Remember and forgive. Friends, when we refuse to forgive, we are doing the work of forgetting. We are forgetting the mercy and the grace that we've received. So if you are a Christian in this room, remember the mercy and the grace that you received and allow that to empower you to forgive. Allow that to inspire you to forgive. So every time forgiveness feels out of reach, go reach for the cross. Remember what Jesus has done for you, and ask him for grace to do the same. Lastly, I think we struggle to forgive also because of our lack of clarity, our lack of clarity of what forgiveness is and how do we do it. And so, nearing the end of my journey of struggling with forgiving my dad, I remember hearing a sermon and being inspired to forgive, but not really knowing how to do it. Like, was I just to, like, call him and say, I forgive you? Like, the forgiveness meant that I put all of my anger and my pain aside and just moved forward with him as if nothing happened. Like, was it ignoring and forgetting what had happened? Like, what was forgiveness actually? And I remember just wrestling with the Lord about this. And after two years of studying this topic and interacting with every reference in the Bible on forgiveness, here's a definition on forgiveness that I want to share with you because it was helpful to go on this journey. Forgiveness is this. Forgiveness is a merciful decision to release an offender of their debt and to not retaliate against them in anger. Forgiveness is a merciful decision to release an offender of their debt and not retaliate against them in anger is not the decision to reconcile with them, is not the decision to hit the reset button on the relationship. It's not the decision to just blindly trust them again, it is the merciful decision to release them of their debt and not retaliate against them. And as I close, I just want to just, like, merciful decision. Friends, we do not forgive people because they deserve it. They don't deserve it. They don't. We forgive people because when we didn't deserve it, God forgave us. God forgave us. Let's pray. Father, thank you so much for the forgiveness that we have in Christ. Father, I pray that as we move to a conversation, Lord, that you would allow us to make this even more practical for us. And that each person would leave with next steps, next steps with that person that you've put in their mind and stirred in their mind even right now. And that you would help us to make the merciful decision to release offenders of their debt and to not retaliate against them in anger. It's in Jesus name I do pray. Amen.

[A]

I'm not letting her get away. Did that bless anybody? We are running a little late.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

But I want to ask you a couple questions, okay. Because I know y' all got some questions. You said you was. It was an 11 year journey to forgive your dad.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Did that hit anybody as hard as it hit me? How did you know when you got there? How do we know when we have forgiven? When we could be like, I did it? Yeah.

[C]

How did you know I had made it? I just made the decision. Like, I made the decision. And part of that was like working through my pain.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And then it was me when he would call, you know, not holding it against him anymore, Right. And so I would do these passive aggressive things on the phone and I had to make the decision to treat him differently. So in the book, I talk about forgiveness resolutions and. Because I think we have to define what forgiveness is gonna mean in that relationship. And so with my dad, I made the merciful decision that every time he would call, I would either pick up or I would call him back.

[A]

I'm getting smacked my own self up here.

[C]

I made the merciful decision that whenever I would go back home to St. Louis that I would make a point to see him. I made the merciful decision to cease the passive aggressive behavior. That doesn't mean I didn't backslide in that moment, but I just recommitted to that. And I know we live in a. I grew up where people would say forgive and forget. And it's like sometimes you just can't forget. It's in my core memory. You know, the body keeps score all the things. And so I can't just forget that. And so I remember studying for the book and just this, the passage where he says, he throws our sins. We've always said, he throws our sins into the sea of forgetfulness. Well, in Micah, it actually just says, he throws our sins into the depths of the sea. And so I Had to make the decision to throw my dad's sins into the depths of the sea and to not draw them back up. To not throw back in his face when he wasn't there, to not throw back in his face the things that he said to me that were harmful and instead to move forward with him in a new way. And it was hard.

[A]

Yeah. No, and you did the work. So hear what she said about that healing work. Because they'll say the wound that we take in is not our fault, that we were wounded, but it is our responsibility to heal.

[C]

Absolutely.

[A]

And no one else can heal us from. Even if that person sometimes apologizes. You think that's gonna fix it?

[C]

It don't.

[A]

It doesn't. And so the work of release is ours. And I think that's what I hear you saying. And a decision. You don't always feel different, but you decide what you're not gonna allow to run through your mind, what behaviors they're not gonna allow while the healing is happening in you. I love that. What is the difference between toxicity and humanity? You brought that up. And we're quick to be like that. This person is toxic. This person is toxic.

[C]

Yeah, sometimes.

[A]

What's the difference?

[C]

Yeah, I think it'd be good to think about it. My friend, Dr. Evan Marbury, he talks about the difference between hurt and harm and how in human relationships we are all gonna be hurt. Even when people are trying, not trying to hurt us, they're gonna hurt us. And I think sometimes we have to be able to just stop and say, like, hey, is this person just being a human? Did they have a bad day? Like, have they had a. Are they in a difficult season? Like, we have to ask those kinds of questions. But harm is abusive. It's repetitive. It's lying. Right. It's deceit. And if you feel like I can't really discern the difference between someone's humanity and toxicity, that's when we bring in the community to help us. Because I. Sometimes I'm really gullible. And so, my friends, you're big hearted. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you with that branding. And so I sometimes have to invite my friends to say, like, hey, do I need to move away from this person? Because they keep doing the same thing over and over again. And we've had the conversation about it. And they're not like, repenting or changing. And in those cases, yeah, I think you need to remove yourself. And Jesus thinks that you should too. It's in Matthew 18, just right before the unforgiving servant parable. Where Jesus says, if your brother or sister sins against you and you go to them, you show them their faults. If they don't repent, if they don't listen, meaning if they don't confess that what they did was wrong, if they don't change their behavior, then he says, you know, go get two witnesses. Then if y' all still can't agree and that person's still wiling out, then go get the church. Still wiling out. He says, treat them like a Gentile and a tax collector. He's literally saying, like, restructure your relationship with them. And in the case of the tax collector, which was an abusive, like, person in that community, he means, like, ended up.

[A]

Yeah. And I heard some people getting ready to clap about that. But see, y' all haven't done the. I talked to them. I got some other people to sit with us. We came to the church and asked Pastor to sit with us.

[C]

And in the process of that, you.

[A]

Are doing what the Bible said, which is forgive from the heart. That's different. Forgive from the heart. Where am I at emotionally with this versus? Well, they didn't stop, so I cut them. Y' all was too quick with the clap.

[C]

That's why I went through all.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the hard thing about forgiveness is even if a relationship ends, we still have to do it. Because even in the end of the relationship, we can't walk around with our heart like that.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

That's the hard part. And y' all know forgiveness is not my first talent, but it's part of walking with Jesus.

[C]

Amen. It is.

[A]

So we already hit that. Forgiveness doesn't always mean a relationship will last.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But it still has to happen.

[C]

Still has to happen.

[A]

It still has to happen. You said something. I think the thing that's going to stick out the most for me today is there's no safe space. And that other thing about your peace, protecting your peace instead of making the peace. Oh, my God. How do we live fearlessly? Because we talk about forgiveness and trust. And I always say trust is a fear concept. Can I trust you not to do what I'm scared you'll do? So when we ask about, can I trust you? What we really mean is, do I need to be afraid of you?

[C]

You.

[A]

How do we live fearlessly in this unsafe space that we're always in?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

How do we do that?

[C]

Yeah. I remember when I was, like, making the decision to forgive my dad and walking through that, because it's like, you make the decision one time. And then you make the decision, like, every day after you know that. And so in making that decision, I remember talking to one of my mentors, and I was like, yo, I'm just scared. I'm just scared that he's gonna abandon me again. I'm just scared that, you know, he's gonna go back to alcohol. And then, you know, like, I'm just. I'm just scared of that. And I remember my mentor saying, like, yana, you can't trust your dad. You can't trust him to not go back to those things. But you can trust God. You can trust God. Yes. And you can trust God that even if your dad hurts you again, that God is going to heal you. Yeah, that God will heal you. And there's this verse in first Peter 5, in verse 10, and it's just something I have to hold onto, particularly when I feel scared about trusting someone again. It says, after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, when will himself, will himself, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you, Jesus, to him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.

[A]

Amen.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Well, that's the final word.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Amen. Oh, thank you. Y Y' all give it up for this word that's lifechanging word.

[B]

Hey, family. Well, I pray that you were just as blessed by this teaching as I was. I'm just so grateful again to be a part of a dynamic community full of love, full of revelation and wisdom. One has been a movement that's been blessing people for over two decades, and I'm so glad that you got an opportunity to experience it. I also have a podcast called the called it's right here on wherever you're listening to this Spotify or Apple or wherever you're listening to this podcast. You can just look up the call T H E C A L L E D with myself T Roberts. This is designed for entrepreneurs, leaders and business people. It's a weekly podcast and it will bless you. But, hey, I enjoyed having you here. Meet us here next week. Check out the called Much blessings to you. We'll catch you next time.