Optimal Finance Daily – Episode 3377: “Money Stress: Why We Use Money to Feel Bad About Ourselves” by Dr. Lisa Firestone
Overview
This episode, hosted by Diania Merriam, explores the profound emotional ties many of us have with our finances. Drawing from a post by Dr. Lisa Firestone of PsychAlive.org, the discussion focuses on how our early experiences, internalized criticism, and past family dynamics heavily influence the way we think, feel, and behave about money as adults. The episode is both an examination of the root causes of financial stress and a roadmap for breaking free from self-sabotaging money beliefs and behaviors, encouraging self-awareness and self-compassion along the way.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
The Emotional Side of Money (01:25–05:00)
- Stress is Prevalent: Money and work are the top sources of stress in America (01:25).
- Money Is Not Just Practical: While we often approach money logically, our attitudes are deeply influenced by our emotions and past experiences.
- Early Encounters Shape Us: Childhood memories—like parental arguments about spending, financial instability, or being spoiled—imprint long-lasting attitudes towards money.
- “Almost every person I've met has at one point or another used money to feel bad about themselves and to worry and distract them from more meaningful facets of their lives.” – Dr. Lisa Firestone (02:40)
The Critical Inner Voice & Its Impact (03:10–06:30)
- Definition: The ‘critical inner voice’ is a negative inner commentary that stems from early experiences and can become self-sabotaging.
- Examples of Its Influence:
- It might tie self-worth to income.
- It can cause guilt or anxiety about spending or saving.
- It can encourage indulgent spending (“Go ahead, buy that pair of shoes...”) and then shame afterwards.
- “This particular type of thinking can have serious consequences, fueling destructive or addictive behavior such as compulsive shopping or erratic spending.” (05:12)
- Impact on Relationships: The critical voice is often a source of conflict between partners, leading to paranoia, secrecy, or resentment about financial decisions.
Personal Story: The Legacy of Childhood Dynamics (05:45–07:00)
- Case Study: A woman whose mother showered her with expensive gifts while the family struggled financially, leading to lifetime guilt, conflict, and desire for approval through material items.
- This duality left her both comforted and ashamed by extravagant spending—emotions that persisted into adulthood.
Pathways to Change: Breaking Free of Unhelpful Money Narratives (07:06–09:18)
Dr. Firestone offers actionable strategies to free oneself from self-limiting financial beliefs:
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Don’t Model Yourself After Unadmired People (07:09)
- Consciously shed the characteristics from your upbringing that you don’t want to emulate.
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Clarify Your Real Goals (07:29)
- Write down your objectives and ensure your actions align, without being harsh if you slip up.
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Anticipate the Critical Voices (07:53)
- Recognize and become familiar with negative thought patterns so they lose their power over you.
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Acknowledge That Change is Hard (08:09)
- Expect anxiety; avoid self-soothing through spending or denial, as neither truly solves underlying discomfort.
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Seek Role Models & Support (08:39)
- Choose people whose financial habits you admire—community can inspire change and provide perspective.
- Powerful Reminder:
- “Remember that real change is possible at almost any point in life. You may not be able to control the economy or every aspect of your finances, but you can take control of your attitude and find a great deal of power within your own mentality, integrity, and emotional intelligence.” (08:55)
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
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On Money’s Deep Emotional Roots:
"By the time we become financially independent ourselves, most of us have already had a significant number of tension-causing encounters with money." – Dr. Lisa Firestone (01:41) -
On Self-Sabotage:
"The critical inner voice can cloud your judgment when it comes to money because you're no longer making choices based on real practical information. Instead, you're acting on emotionally charged advice from an inner critic." (05:02) -
Empowerment & Possibility:
"You may not be able to control the economy or every aspect of your own finances, but you can take control of your attitude." (08:55)
Host Commentary: Self-Compassion & Learning From Mistakes (11:33–12:20)
- Diania Merriam reflects on the prevalence of shame around financial mistakes and advocates for self-compassion:
- "I have literally never met anyone who didn't make financial mistakes. And you can always make more money, but you'll never get back this time you're spending feeling bad about yourself." (11:44)
- “Money? It's a completely impersonal tool. I think with a slight perspective shift you can actually enjoy the process of learning from money mistakes rather than drowning yourself in shame and regret." (12:05)
Important Timestamps
- 01:25: Opening of Dr. Firestone’s essay and background on money stress
- 03:10: Explanation of the critical inner voice and its influence
- 05:45: Personal anecdote about inherited money conflict
- 07:06: Dr. Firestone’s five steps for breaking free from unhealthy money patterns
- 09:18: Recap and host Diania Merriam’s reflection on financial shame
- 11:33: Diania's closing thoughts on self-forgiveness and the "figureoutable" nature of financial mistakes
Conclusion
This episode highlights that money stress is less about math and more about mindset—rooted in long-standing personal narratives and inner criticism. Dr. Firestone and Diania Merriam stress the power of self-awareness, compassion, and deliberate goal-setting in transforming your relationship with money. Listeners are encouraged to unlearn unhelpful patterns, embrace role models, and treat money mistakes as vital learning opportunities rather than reasons for shame.