3377: Money Stress: Why We Use Money to Feel Bad About Ourselves by Dr. Lisa Firestone of Psych Alive

Summary

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Optimal Finance Daily – Episode 3377: “Money Stress: Why We Use Money to Feel Bad About Ourselves” by Dr. Lisa Firestone

Overview

This episode, hosted by Diania Merriam, explores the profound emotional ties many of us have with our finances. Drawing from a post by Dr. Lisa Firestone of PsychAlive.org, the discussion focuses on how our early experiences, internalized criticism, and past family dynamics heavily influence the way we think, feel, and behave about money as adults. The episode is both an examination of the root causes of financial stress and a roadmap for breaking free from self-sabotaging money beliefs and behaviors, encouraging self-awareness and self-compassion along the way.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Emotional Side of Money (01:25–05:00)

• Stress is Prevalent: Money and work are the top sources of stress in America (01:25).
• Money Is Not Just Practical: While we often approach money logically, our attitudes are deeply influenced by our emotions and past experiences.
• Early Encounters Shape Us: Childhood memories—like parental arguments about spending, financial instability, or being spoiled—imprint long-lasting attitudes towards money.
  • “Almost every person I've met has at one point or another used money to feel bad about themselves and to worry and distract them from more meaningful facets of their lives.” – Dr. Lisa Firestone (02:40)

The Critical Inner Voice & Its Impact (03:10–06:30)

• Definition: The ‘critical inner voice’ is a negative inner commentary that stems from early experiences and can become self-sabotaging.
• Examples of Its Influence:
  • It might tie self-worth to income.
  • It can cause guilt or anxiety about spending or saving.
  • It can encourage indulgent spending (“Go ahead, buy that pair of shoes...”) and then shame afterwards.
  • “This particular type of thinking can have serious consequences, fueling destructive or addictive behavior such as compulsive shopping or erratic spending.” (05:12)
• Impact on Relationships: The critical voice is often a source of conflict between partners, leading to paranoia, secrecy, or resentment about financial decisions.

Personal Story: The Legacy of Childhood Dynamics (05:45–07:00)

• Case Study: A woman whose mother showered her with expensive gifts while the family struggled financially, leading to lifetime guilt, conflict, and desire for approval through material items.
  • This duality left her both comforted and ashamed by extravagant spending—emotions that persisted into adulthood.

Pathways to Change: Breaking Free of Unhelpful Money Narratives (07:06–09:18)

Dr. Firestone offers actionable strategies to free oneself from self-limiting financial beliefs:

1. Don’t Model Yourself After Unadmired People (07:09)

   • Consciously shed the characteristics from your upbringing that you don’t want to emulate.

2. Clarify Your Real Goals (07:29)

   • Write down your objectives and ensure your actions align, without being harsh if you slip up.

3. Anticipate the Critical Voices (07:53)

   • Recognize and become familiar with negative thought patterns so they lose their power over you.

4. Acknowledge That Change is Hard (08:09)

   • Expect anxiety; avoid self-soothing through spending or denial, as neither truly solves underlying discomfort.

5. Seek Role Models & Support (08:39)

   • Choose people whose financial habits you admire—community can inspire change and provide perspective.

• Powerful Reminder:
  • “Remember that real change is possible at almost any point in life. You may not be able to control the economy or every aspect of your finances, but you can take control of your attitude and find a great deal of power within your own mentality, integrity, and emotional intelligence.” (08:55)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Money’s Deep Emotional Roots:
  "By the time we become financially independent ourselves, most of us have already had a significant number of tension-causing encounters with money." – Dr. Lisa Firestone (01:41)

• On Self-Sabotage:
  "The critical inner voice can cloud your judgment when it comes to money because you're no longer making choices based on real practical information. Instead, you're acting on emotionally charged advice from an inner critic." (05:02)

• Empowerment & Possibility:
  "You may not be able to control the economy or every aspect of your own finances, but you can take control of your attitude." (08:55)

Host Commentary: Self-Compassion & Learning From Mistakes (11:33–12:20)

• Diania Merriam reflects on the prevalence of shame around financial mistakes and advocates for self-compassion:
  • "I have literally never met anyone who didn't make financial mistakes. And you can always make more money, but you'll never get back this time you're spending feeling bad about yourself." (11:44)
  • “Money? It's a completely impersonal tool. I think with a slight perspective shift you can actually enjoy the process of learning from money mistakes rather than drowning yourself in shame and regret." (12:05)

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Important Timestamps

• 01:25: Opening of Dr. Firestone’s essay and background on money stress
• 03:10: Explanation of the critical inner voice and its influence
• 05:45: Personal anecdote about inherited money conflict
• 07:06: Dr. Firestone’s five steps for breaking free from unhealthy money patterns
• 09:18: Recap and host Diania Merriam’s reflection on financial shame
• 11:33: Diania's closing thoughts on self-forgiveness and the "figureoutable" nature of financial mistakes

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Conclusion

This episode highlights that money stress is less about math and more about mindset—rooted in long-standing personal narratives and inner criticism. Dr. Firestone and Diania Merriam stress the power of self-awareness, compassion, and deliberate goal-setting in transforming your relationship with money. Listeners are encouraged to unlearn unhelpful patterns, embrace role models, and treat money mistakes as vital learning opportunities rather than reasons for shame.

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Transcript

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This is optimal Finance Daily Money Stress why We Use Money to Feel Bad About Ourselves by Dr. Lisa Firestone of psycholive.org.

Work and money are the leading causes of stress in America, according to the American Psychological Association's Stress in America survey. Money may seem like a practical concern, requiring rationality and logic to manage. However, we very often underestimate the emotional aspects of handling money. Our attitudes about money have deep roots in our past. By the time we become financially independent ourselves, most of us have already had a significant number of tension causing encounters with money. Whether it was watching our parents argue over spending, seeing a loved one lose a job, or worrying over where our next meal would come from, stressful experiences surrounding money are entrenched in our memories. It's no surprise, then, that as adults, these memories shape our attitudes towards ourselves and others in relation to finances. Regardless of economic status. Almost every person I've met has at one point or another used money to feel bad about themselves and to worry and distract them from more meaningful facets of their lives. Because money is tied to deep, even subconscious, feelings from our past, people are often irrational when it comes to money, both in the long and short term. The critical inner voice is a negative thought process we adopt from early life experiences. It represents destructive and critical attitudes we're exposed to that we've then taken on as our own point of view. For example, a child who grows up with a stingy parent who induces guilt over anything the child asks for may grow up feeling stingy towards him or herself. Children who are spoiled, rewarded with gifts as a means to soothe them or keep them from throwing a fit, may grow up never feeling satisfied, always wanting more, yet feeling unworthy of what they receive. Just as it wreaks havoc with many areas of your life, your critical inner voice can heavily complicate your relationship with money. The voice may tell you that you're worthless if you can't reach a certain income level. It may induce extreme guilt, anxiety, or rigidity when it comes to spending. It may entice you to splurge. Go ahead, buy that pair of shoes. It'll make you feel better, and it's just what you need after the day you've had. It will then beat you up for your actions. What's wrong with you? You're so irresponsible. There you go, wasting all your money. Now you're really going to be in trouble. This particular type of thinking can have serious consequences, fueling destructive or addictive behavior such as compulsive shopping or erratic spending. The critical inner voice often creates conflict between couples when it comes to money. For instance, it may tell you that it means something significant if you spend money on one another, feeding you thoughts like, you should buy her something nice. It's the only way to really earn her love. Or he didn't get you anything for your anniversary. He must not really love you. The critical inner voice will also create paranoia between a couple she thinks I spend too much. I better not let her know what I bought this weekend. Or does he think I'm made of money? He can't just expect me to support the two of us. The critical inner voice can cloud your judgment when it comes to money because you're no longer making choices based on real practical information. Instead, you're acting on emotionally charged advice from an inner critic. This voice affects people at all stages of wealth and at all spending levels. It's therefore very valuable to ask, whose voice are you hearing when it comes to your finances? What childhood dynamics play into your point of view towards money? A woman I recently spoke to described how her mother used to indulge her with gifts. Almost every day upon returning from school, her mother would greet her with new, expensive toys and designer clothes to wear to school. When the young girl showed a slight interest in learning to play piano, her mother left a brand new keyboard in her room before she even attempted a single note. The intrusive way her mother insisted on these gifts was coupled with the family's low income led the young girl to feel extreme guilt and resentment. She remembered her father worrying about money and pleading with her mother to stop spending lavishly. Yet her mother continued buying high end items, purchasing only the best brand of everything from soap to stilettos. All the while, she showered her kids with unwanted treats and secretively tried to hide her spending from her husband. The woman grew up feeling considerable conflict about money. On the one hand, she was guilty and embarrassed to receive gifts throughout her life, yet she was also compelled by the mentality that everything should be the best. She drew comfort from buying extravagant items for herself, an indulgence very much based on her mother's spoiling behavior. She then felt creepy and bad about herself, just as she had as a child. Her parents arguing about money had created this division within her, yet she still carried these attitudes with her as an independent and self sufficient adult. As you start to identify where your point of view about money came from, you can begin to make a separation from attitudes and behaviors you don't like in yourself. You can differentiate from destructive or unhealthy influences that lead to financial conflicts in your current life. Separating from these deeply ingrained old attitudes, whether they're telling you to be overly cautious or to spend freely, might stir you up or even cause you great anxiety. Here are some helpful tips when attempting to actively free yourself from these limiting.

Number one Don't model yourself after people you don't admire. While people often unconsciously take on their parents or primary caretakers points of view towards many things, it's important to ask yourself how you want to be in your life. How can you shed the characteristics you don't admire but have adopted or adapted to from experiences in your early life? Number two Ask yourself what are your real goals? What are the steps to reaching those goals? Write down a plan and then check that each of your actions fit that plan. Don't fool yourself or overly punish yourself when you slip up. Just stay in the present and continue to stick to the plan. 3 Anticipate the voices that lead you off track. Be more mindful of your thoughts. Get to know them. The more you familiarize yourself with your critical inner voice, the better able you'll be to recognize it and resist it when it feeds you bad advice. Number four Know that with change comes great anxiety. You can notice when this anxiety arises and find something that calms you down that won't hurt you in the long run. Don't avoid your fears or try to self soothe. Neither buying something you can't afford nor denying yourself. Any little luxury will truly relieve you. And number five, seek out friends or people you admire to model yourself after. Throughout your life, it's important to find your influences. Choosing people you admire in areas you yourself struggle can help you rethink your destructive, albeit natural, tendencies and become the person you want to be. Remember that real change is possible at almost any point in life. You may not be able to control the economy or every aspect of your own finances, but you can take control of your attitude and find a great deal of power within your own mentality, integrity and emotional intelligence. Challenging your inner critic will help you to reshape your behavior, and it will add richness and rewards to your experiences that are far more than monetary.

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One of the things I notice when people talk about money is the undertone of shame many have about financial mistakes. And I get it when I think about how much better off I would probably be if I wasn't so careless and financially illiterate in my 20s. It's really hard not to have regrets, but what about some self compassion? I have literally never met anyone who didn't make financial mistakes. And you can always make more money, but you'll never get back this time you're spending feeling bad about yourself. The thing about money is that it really is all figureoutable. I think this tool of money is one of the few things in life that you can completely screw up and still come out on top eventually. It's much harder to heal from a health scare, fix a broken relationship, go through a career change and waste time you'll never get back. But money? It's a completely impersonal tool. I think with a slight perspective shift you can actually enjoy the process of learning from money mistakes rather than drowning yourself in shame and regret. And that will do it for today. Have a great day and weekend. I'll be back here tomorrow where your optimal life awaits.