Ryan Vannerd (36:15)
Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13. Get tickets now. I started to kind of like dig out this little thing. I was kind of like gathering leaves and dirt. I covered myself as much as I could with dirt and leaves, just hoping that if they had a thermal kind of drone, it would just cut down on my heat signature. I don't know. I was honestly thinking of the movie Predator. I'm like, I love movies, so I'm always thinking about different movies. So I remember that I was like, okay, Arnold covered himself with mud and that works, so I'm at least going to cover myself with dirt. And so I just was scooping out. I had a helmet. I was using that to dig with. I laid down, I took my helmet next to me and I actually used it. I flipped it around and kind of used it as a scoop when I next to my ear. And what that did is it like amplified my hearing for anything that was coming directly overhead. And then I just kind of was staring up at like this little this leaf that was just right in front of my face. And I have to start to kind of say, like, describe, like My state of mind, because in that situation, I was very calm. I was, like, hyper calm. Everything was, like, exaggerated. Like, my hearing was like. It was almost like three dimensional, you know? Like, it was like I could. I was just listening. I was like, okay, there's a big gun. You know, I could see that the sun was coming up, you know, so I'm like, okay, that's east. It's going that way. Okay, so that's west. So I knew north and south. And I was like, the Russians are to the east, Ukraine is to the west. There's a big gun to the east. It's going outgoing. I knew the different sound. I learned all these sounds. I mean, all I could do all day was listen to these sounds. I could tell, okay, that's a Mavic. That's like a reconnaissance drone. Okay? Now this is an FPV drone. They sound different, they fly different. And I could tell, like, the rhythm of that. The rhythm of, like, their patrols going over. I. I could. There was five positions. I had it all. I was mapping it out in my head because the only thing that was up to me to do was know the direction I was gonna run when it was dusk. So I just focused. I was just like, super focused. But, like, even my vision, like, I'm looking at this leaf, and, man, I just stared at this thing all fucking day. Like, I saw. It was like I could see the veins of this leaf. I could see, like, every little. The texture of it, the way the light was coming through and hitting it. I mean, I tried. I rolled on it, you know, I had my camera and I recorded it. But I'm, like, looking at the footage and it's not what I saw, because in that moment, I'm looking at this leaf, and it's just like this fragile thing in no man's land. It was just the way I saw the world. The way I heard it was much different. And being the. You know, I was raised Catholic. You know, I'm not. I wouldn't call myself Catholic anymore. I don't necessarily believe in life after death. I don't. You know, I know that the world is a complex place. We know little of it. I've often looked in my life for things, for signs, and I've never really found anything. You know, like, when I was younger, I was obsessed with ghosts. And I was, like, put out all these traps, trying to, like, prove the existence of ghosts, because if I could prove that, then it would prove there'd be, like, life after death. And so anyway, that's Just to say, like, I was out there and I was. I was praying because, you know, you may as well. I was a Catholic for a while, so it should count for something. I was an altar boy. Like, I should get some kind of, like, something. And so I was praying for anything, for just, like, whatever. I didn't know what to do. It was just like. I was like, holy fuck. Like, I'm just here. Like, how am I here? How am I here? I mean, part of me was just, like, very frustrated to be where I was. I felt, like, claustrophobic, you know, Like, I was, like, in the woods and I. But I couldn't move around. I was scared to move at all, you know, for like 10 hours. Like, I had to piss. And that was like. That took me, like. It took me like an hour to even do that, to even kind of like roll over and crawl and wait every time I heard a drone and not move. So I was definitely praying for guidance. I mean, I wanted to live, you know, and it just, like. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how I was going to get out of this situation, you know? So, you know, I was doing that. And it's not like I was really getting anything back. But then at some point, I just became aware of a presence. And at first it was alarming. I thought maybe I'd, like, fallen asleep or something. And I just felt this. I was, like, invaded with a foreign presence. And this is something I've never experienced in my life. You know, I've often, like, looked for signs, asked for thing, you know, but this was like. I felt something kind of like, almost like a window has opened up, and there was like a breeze blowing through this window. And it just felt like a. It was like a jolt. It was like kind of like a. It was almost like electric, you know? And I didn't really know what it was or who it was. So this presence had only one message, and it was patience. Over and over, patience, like, as if it was, like, transmitted into my cells, like, through my blood. This was not an internal voice of mine. This was coming. This is coming from a different place. I was just patient. Okay? I'm like, well, I'm like, yes, I. I hear you. I am. I am being patient. I have my plan. I'm not gonna move, you know, I'm just gonna stay. But I didn't. I didn't exactly know what this patience meant. You know, I could only assume. So I'm just trying to, like. I'm like, okay, thank You. Thank you for this. It made me feel better, you know, a little bit. I felt like I wasn't alone, which was, I mean, fucking huge. And at first it was just like a foreign. I didn't know. But then very quickly, I was like, it was my grandfather. It was, like, just absolutely clear that it was my grandfather. And he had fought in World War II in the Pacific theater. He was in Guadala Canal. And he was one of the only people in his platoon to survive, you know, to the day he died. He had shrapnel coming out of his shoulder. I think after going through such hell, he just became. He was, like the softest guy. Before he passed away, he underwent this transformation. We all watched it. He got this smile, and he had this glimmer in his eye that made you think, like, he was. He had one foot kind of in the next world, you know, and whatever he was seeing there, he was bringing back. And it was just, like, infectious. I mean, he had lost so much weight and he was sick, but, like, he was, like, angelic. I don't know. I don't know how else to say it. I mean, my whole family, we just. We would talk about it. I mean, it was. It was obvious. And so that energy was what I recognized. That's what I felt. And it's interesting because my grandmother. When he passed, my grandmother, you know, was still alive for a long time. And she told me a story one time when she, you know, in the early days after she. She was going back home. The home, the house is empty. And all of a sudden he just popped out. And this is in broad daylight. And he's there. He's young, and he's wearing these, like, black and white striped pajamas. And he does this funny little dance with his, like, you know, million dollar smile, even back then. And boop. And he's just. He's gone. And she's telling me about this, almost, like, embarrassed in a way, but just, like, you know, that she had talked to her priest and, like, said it's, like, pretty normal. So anyway, that was. But she couldn't figure out, like, what are the black or white striped pajamas? And it just. She finally put it together that it was like. That was their first Christmas together. They had gotten these matching pajamas or something, you know, so that. That had happened many years before my experience. But, you know, I didn't. I didn't, like, see him or anything like that, but I just. I felt that this is my grandfather. This is unmistakably him. It was. It was emotional. Man, I don't know. I. I cried, you know, I felt a little overwhelmed by it all. It was just like, patience. It was like, not just the word. It was like the idea of patience, like, the idea of, like, really being patient. And I'm kind of like, well, okay, I'm doing that. I mean, like, I'm not. I'm not going anywhere. I kind of, like, I already. You know, I was going to be patient. I was going to wait, you know, I mean, there was a part of me that certainly just wanted to run. You know, you feel claustrophobic. You're just like, fuck it. I'll just, like, run back the way I came or something and at least get away from this. Because it just. It was maddening to just constantly hear these drones hovering right over the tops of the trees, just kind of, like, looking for me. I felt like they're just kind of scanning. I don't know what else they would be doing. And. Yeah, so, like, I had, like, you know, after. In 10 hours, I had, like, weak moments. I had strong moments. And I am as skeptical as anyone about this kind of stuff, but I felt like whatever this was, it was not me. So, like, it didn't, like, last. It wasn't like, with me the whole time. It kind of, like this message kind of broke through, like, almost like a wave, I would say, in that. Like, the first one was stronger, and then it was kind of, like, diminishing, like an echo. And then it kind of just. I was left with this idea, but not the presence, you know, Like, I was still very present, but, like, whatever had come to me was not there anymore. If I had to try to understand it better, like, I felt like there was probably, like. There was like, a door that had just. Just opened the tiniest bit, allowing this to come through. That's the way it felt. That was. I mean, I was thinking. I was, like, trying to think about this. I was like, this is crazy. But I had, like. I had, like, vivid imagery of him. And then this other thing happened that was. I heard this whooshing, like, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. And, you know, I'm listening to all these crazy sounds all around me. I mean, it's all sounds of war. And then there's, like, now this whooshing sound, like, right over the trees. I'm like, what the fuck is this? It completely startled me because there was no, like, shot. There was nothing. It was just like. It sounded like things were just flying by my head. And I see all these black shapes just, like, Going over the trees super fast. It's like this flock of birds. I think they were swallows. They're the ones that kind of look like the. Like, almost a school of fish in the sky. During these, like, patterns, these birds were just, like, flying en masse right through this battle, you know, just, like, freely. Just like. I don't know. Like, are they aware, like, of what's going on? Like, I don't know, but they're just like. And they were loud. Like, how they were flying. Like, that was another moment where I'm just like, okay, Ryan, like, you're gonna get the fuck out of here. You know, you're like, this is not how you're gonna die. Like, you are gonna get out of here. But these are like the little things that happened throughout the day that were just like, that. I really, like. It was very. That was a really important moment for me. So now the sun is going down. It's, like, getting to that point that I've been waiting for. I had hoped throughout the day that things would quiet down and move away, but the whole time the battle was only getting closer. To me, when the sun was going down, like, it seemed like everyone made their move. Cause all hell broke loose. I mean, machine guns, like, you name it. Like, everyone was doing. There's, like, more drones. And I'm just like, okay. Like, it's just not gonna get better. Like, I'm just gonna. I'm gonna go. And I'm not even going to even try to be that sneaky about it. I'm just gonna go for speed, you know? So I get out and I just. I start running through the woods back in the direction that I came from. I was, like, way further away than I had realized. I heard a voice this time, you know, not in my head, but it was actually this little voice, and it was Sasha. And I see Slava Sasha in this, like, basically like a crater and crawled through. I slid down. We're all super happy. They're just like, holy shit. Because they. I mean, obviously they thought I was dead. He was wondering if I had seen anyone, which I hadn't. I could smell cigarettes, so they were close enough for that, but I didn't actually see anyone. Now, this is like the worst part of it all. When it. When initially, when we were under fire, it happened so fast that, like, I honestly didn't. I didn't really even know how to react to that. Like, how do you. What do you do? You just, like, you get. You just throw yourself on the ground, I guess you know, but, like, you're just. I'm filming, and I'm kind of, like, focused on that, and I'm. Now I've just spent, like, the whole day, like, hoping for silence and, like, not to hear the sound of, like, a whistling mortar round coming at me. And then I hear one again coming at us. And my first thought is, I have killed all of us. And that I have not listened to the word patience. Somehow I fucked it up because they saw me come through, and now they know where we're hiding. It was first round, and you just. All you could do is just throw yourself to the ground and you just, like, cover your head and you just. You make yourself as small as you can, and you just hear this terrible rushing sound to meet you. It's the fucking worst thing. You just have. There's just too much time to think about it. Plus, you know, you could set these. These rounds in different ways. There's different. Like, you could set them so they, like, actually explode in the air and they rain the shrapnel down. They say, like, you don't hear the one that. That kills you because you're so in line with it, you don't hear the whistle. I don't know if this is true, but suffice to say the kill range on that is probably 100 meters. And they were like, these things were hitting pretty damn near at the lip of the crater that we're in. And the concussion wave is coming through, and that'll kill you. You don't even have to get hit with shrapnel. Now I am truly panicking. It's one round comes over, second one comes over, third one's even closer, fourth one, fifth one. I'm like, holy fuck. Like, what are they? They just, like, they want to kill us so fucking bad, and it's my fault. And just about everything in me wants to run like I did before. I just want to run. I'm just like, get me the fuck out of here. I just feel like I'm. I'm just like. We're just in this crater, just, like, waiting to die. And at that point, my system, I actually even stood up, and I'm looking out in the direction of where I want to run, and I know I have to, like, crawl first, and then I'm going to run. And I know exactly the path. I'm looking at it, and all of a sudden, the presence is back, even stronger this time. And again. It's patience. I am flooded with patience. It's like I am, like, hit in the gut with Patience. I'm just seeing him so clearly in my mind. And, yeah, that. The patience, this. This presence, like, it stops me. And the next mortar that comes through it, it hits exactly where I would have been if I continued going. I definitely felt like I. It was like a sliding doors moment. And, you know, in a different dimension. I was, like, dead, but I was here. And my life was saved because of this. Whatever this voice was, saved my life. I go from being, you know, very panicked to then just cooling down as if whatever this thing within me, whatever this window has, like, again, like, this cool breeze has come through it. And at first shocking, but, like, just calming. Patience. I'm just gonna be still and my senses come back and the fear diminishes. And now I'm kind of just, like, there. And luckily, the shelling kind of seemed to stop. Really. There was a pause in it, you know, so I'm just chilling. But then Sasha just, like, he starts to freak out. He's just like, we have to go. And he's just like. He's going. He makes the motion. He's like, I get the. In not so many words, but I just get the sense that I am to follow him at a distance and stay low. And we're going now. And so he just starts going, and we. I mean, just thinking that another. A shell might come over. I'm just crawling as fucking fast as I can. I am, like, getting cut up. My shirt is getting torn. I am just, like, trying to go as fast as I can. And we get to the edge of the woods, and I'm like, we have to run across this shit. And it looks. It's straight out of the movie, you know, it's like no man's land, you know, like, it's all chewed up. And I'm just like, this has gotta be, like, mind like we're running across the fucking minefield. But, like, we had to, you know, Cause they were clearly coming up on us. Plus, they had our location, so we had to go for it. So I went third. Being the gentleman that I am, I let the other two go ahead, and we spaced out. And I. It was very dim, but I was very clearly stepping exactly in their footprints as we ran across this just exposed field, timing it out in between the drones that were constantly flying over. We kind of got a sense of the pattern. They were, like, patrolling the road, you know, so they were just, like, going up and down this road, up and down the road. So we kind of like, they would. They would go Past, and we just, like, booked it. I'm just, like, waiting for, like, Sasha to blow up, basically. Again, it's another situation that it was like. It was so much for my brain. It was actually beautiful in a way. The Milky Way was clearly visible. It was a new moon. There was no moon. So, like, the stars were, like, bright enough to see by. And then just in the distance, there would be, like, these explosions that would happen, and everything would kind of light up, but it was, like, far away, you know, and it was like, I don't know, just, like, running across the field and the way the light was and like, these, like, tracer rounds through the sky. It was, like, very beautiful in a way. And we get to the other side, there's a trench. We, like, slide down into this thing. There's barbed wire. We kind of get through that. The trench is empty, thankfully. And we do this for, like, I don't know, like, two more hours. We're just, like, running in, you know, jumping into the trees. And at one point, it sounds like a freight train is coming at us. And it was actually a tank on the road with, like, next to no lights. It had, like, this little red light. It was, like, infrared, and it was just hauling ass, so we dodged that. And at a certain point, there's just all these red lights, and we're kind of, like, surrounded by, like, red lights. And it was this. It was Ukrainian soldiers, thankfully. And I quickly heard laughter, and I was just like. I knew that we were. That was it. And, yeah, and then this. We were surrounded by Ukrainian troops, and it's like this little recon group. Kids basically out there. They were setting up, like, some little command post. They gave me some water. I remember there was a dog. I was, like, petting the dog. I hadn't had water all day. It was amazing. I used to smoke tons of cigarettes back in the day, and everyone smokes in Ukraine, so I was, like, very close to smoking a cigarette, but I didn't. I probably had the dumbest grin on my face, you know, just, like, fixed there. I was just, like, totally exhausted and completely happy. And we still had a few things to get back home. We had to leave. We had to walk for another hour or so, and we got picked up by an armored car. And then they took us to, like, a command post, and they were asking us questions and stuff. But, yeah, at that point, when I was, like, drinking the water, petting the dog, I knew, like, we were. We were safe. The thing when you're there in Ukraine, it's Like, you don't really have, like, the luxury maybe, of, like, fully processing stuff, but when you leave the country, it's again, just, like, when you come in, you're super nervous. And then when you, like, enter the country, you're just, like. You put your nervousness, like, it has to stay, like, on a shelf away because you just can't deal with that. And then when you leave, it returns. Like, the first time, I really felt, like, anxiety. And, like, any PTSD was, like, far after, like, it happened because, like, the next day, I was just like, oh, I'm in such a good mood. And I was just, like, walking around. I didn't, like, film anything. I went around with a friend. They, like, showed me around the city. I was just, like, ate good food. Everything was wonderful. I felt, like, completely fine. And it wasn't until, like, way later, actually, that I started having this thought. It's like an intrusive thought that actually I was, like, still there, and that I had imagined everything that had happened and that I was actually just still laying there, and I was gonna wake up and be back out there. I don't know. I had this thought, and I would start to feel really claustrophobic and, like, almost like sweat and that, you know, that still kind of comes to me. Yeah. It's a weird thing to think about. I'll say this going through a situation where you have to fight to live really brought me back to myself and really kind of gave me a strength. Impacts my life, you know, today I just think, you know, we can't. We don't. It's almost by design that we don't know everything. You know, there's so many. Just strange things about this world, I think so often, especially in this more modern world, how we're so distracted all the time. But when I was out there, I could only be present in just, like, this insane way. Like, I would imagine, like, the free solo guy, you know, or anyone who does that. Like, the presence you must feel being climbing a mountain and having to focus so intensely. Like, death comes into the room, and it's there, and it's no longer this, like, idea. It's there. I mean, like, the Ukrainian army was, like, watching us the whole time. Like, I sent you that, the drone video. Like, they were also watching us, and they're like, these guys are fucked. You know, they're like, you had, like, a 1% chance of living. Everything had to go, like, right. Even though a lot of things went wrong, but everything had to go right, seemingly to survive. This. And I don't know. I'm just. I'm a different person. I'm still, like, evolving from this moment, but I feel. I. I do feel like I'm. It's deepened me. I'm not like a nihilist or something. You know, I. I believe in something. I. But I'm skeptical of all these experiences. You know, I always try to look at it, like, a little scientifically. I'm like. Well, obviously, like, I was. I was really looking for help and in a pretty desperate situation. So perhaps I created this whole thing to help me. You know, I don't know. Anything's possible, I guess. But I'm just saying that I do not know what this presence, what this patience was. It very well might have been a hallucination, but it saved my life. And to me, it felt like it was not a part of me. It was coming from someplace else.
