Ep 734 - Kidnapped by the Krampus, by Emily Shore

Summary

Overdue Podcast, Ep. 734 – "Kidnapped by the Krampus" by Emily Shore

Release Date: December 22, 2025
Hosts: Craig and Andrew

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Episode Overview

In this special "Happy Horny Days" installment of Overdue, Craig and Andrew both read and discuss Kidnapped by the Krampus by Emily Shore, a holiday-centric monster romance that lives up to the "explicit" warning. The episode dives into the book’s unique blend of folklore, body horror, and steamy content, while also unpacking its surprisingly complex lore and the author’s personal ties to the material. With their trademark mix of bemusement, analytic curiosity, and holiday spirit, the hosts deconstruct the book’s strengths, weaknesses, and—of course—the copious amount of Krampus sex.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Holiday Tradition and Format

• The annual "Happy Horny Days" episode features both hosts reading an adult book, often rich in explicit or outlandish content.
• This episode is not for kids ("Children, go play with your presents. This episode’s not for you." – Craig, 03:57).

2. About the Book and Author (06:52–15:14)

• Kidnapped by the Krampus (2023) by Emily Shore, part of the "Roars and Romances" series.

• Shore previously wrote YA fiction, notably the Uncaged series, and has since transitioned to dark/monster romance, partially as a personal and identity transformation during 2020–2021.

• Shore infuses her books with activist themes (notably anti-trafficking), polyamorous/queer perspectives, and combines Christian and pagan elements.

• The author’s note (16:27) flags triggers: dubious consent, Dom/brat dynamics, references to past trauma, but notes a core theme of "light in the darkness."

  "I'll warn you now. I kinked for Krampus Hard." – Author’s Note, read by Craig, 16:29
  "She mostly wrote YA in the early years and then gets into adult fiction. One of the first things out was Bride of the Corpse King." – Craig, 07:54

3. Folklore Deep Dive – Who is Krampus? (17:26–24:19)

• Krampus: Alpine/Norse "Christmas monster," tied to pre-Christian folklore but best known as St. Nicolas’ monstrous foil.

• Briefed on Krampusnacht (Dec. 5), Krampuslauf parades, and his American "Internet Krampus" resurgence.

• Notable historical detail: Krampus postcards (Krampuskarten) from late 1800s Austria/Germany, sometimes sexy, sometimes grim.

  "Krampus resurfaces in the 2000s ... by 2010s, we have holiday horror movies and Krampus ugly sweaters." – Craig, 21:14
  "It’s hard to disentangle Krampus from internet Krampus. He’s the internet’s Krampus." – Craig, 24:08

4. Book Structure and AI Illustration Debate (06:32–13:31)

• Chapters alternate between Twyla (human heroine) and Krampus (monster POV).

• The book uses AI-generated interior illustrations ("super detailed but the details don’t make any sense" – Andrew, 09:47). The hosts criticize the choice as ethically murky and creatively unsatisfying.

  "If you’re putting it in your published work, I really would like you to think twice about doing that. It just really—it rubs me in all the wrong ways." – Andrew, 13:01

5. Plot Summary and Analysis

Meet Twyla (30:12–33:42)

• Twyla is a snarky, self-deprecating woman with a troubled, cultish Christmas-hating childhood. She’s media staff, single, into cosplay and monster smut.
• She’s sent to cover Krampus World (a horror amusement park run by Krampus) for work and immediately starts horny inner monologuing.

Meet Krampus (34:19–36:02)

• Krampus is a supernatural, tongue-wielding BDSM demigod, cursed and manipulated by the villainous Klaus (Santa).
• He and Twyla are rapidly thrust together by Mephisto (Krampus’ assistant), and by fate/lust.

The Curse & Lore Overload (35:13–37:26)

• Klaus (Santa) stole Krampus’ soul tether in ye olden days, now blackmailing Krampus into terrifying kids.
• Krampus and his demons feed on human emotion from their scare attraction. The curse’s rules are fuzzy—something about true love’s escapist logic and soul-bonding.
• The plot alternates between intense sex scenes and info-dumpy, confusing lore ("Even in the last chapter, we're still finding out new stuff Krampus's body can do." – Andrew, 26:33).

The Sex Sandwich and Body Horror (27:00–29:07; 39:14–42:10; 65:02–69:28)

• The book opens and closes with marathon sex while the middle is Krampus/Klaus lore and world-building. Massive focus on Krampus’s supernatural, extendable tongue and genitals ("Her pleasure always comes first. Get it? Dom brat dynamics." – Author’s Note, 16:29).

• Explicit, fantastical stuff: tree-trimming with sex toys, food play with cookies and "eggnog" (Krampus semen), holiday-themed profanities, and body horror elements ("His boner so big it breaks the bones in her body" – Craig, 68:52).

  "His tongue is really long and prehensile and can do a lot of stuff." – Andrew, 28:11
  "You wouldn't believe the places this guy's tongue can go." – Craig, 27:13
  "She explores my demon dick with reverence … You taste like eggnog." – Craig reading, 51:16

The Eggnog Revelation (50:17–54:53)

• Twyla discovers Krampus’s cum tastes like eggnog, which becomes a recurring (and giggle-inducing) motif.

• The hosts go on a tangent discussing real-life eggnog and its suitability as a metaphor for Christmas joy, or lack thereof.

  "'It tastes—you taste like eggnog.' Surprise. I bob my brows, amused, pleased..." – Book, read by Andrew, 51:16
  "Do not buy the eggnog at the Krampus World gift shop. Is not pasteurized, is not safe to consume." – Andrew, 52:29

Klaus the Antagonist & Final Showdown (55:04–63:50)

• Klaus launches a zombie elf attack on Krampus Haven, tries to trick Twyla with a memory-erasing snow globe.
• Finale involves Twyla regaining her memories thanks to Krampus’s mom Hell, soul-tether drama, and Krampus eventually killing Klaus.
• Hosts struggle with the book’s action sequencing and timeline ("Book’s action is very hard to read" – Craig, 39:41; "I’m always feeling off center" – Andrew, 74:01).

Immortality, Marriage, and Christian Themes (64:01–73:21)

• In a supernatural afterlife, Twyla is given three choices; she picks immortal soul-binding to Krampus.
• Final act: Twyla and Krampus consummate their eternal marriage ("It's some real body horror stuff" – Andrew, 67:07), then share a tender nativity scene that unexpectedly pulls the birth of Jesus into the monster-smut universe ("Let’s all take a minute, take a breath between ejaculations to remember the reason for the season, truly." – Andrew, 71:49).

Wrap-Up, Reception, and Goodreads Reviews (74:20–80:21)

• Mixed reactions from readers: praise for avoiding a monster-to-prince copout, criticism of the world-building and pacing ("would have benefited from being a lot longer or a lot shorter" – Goodreads user Indy Hannah Jones, 79:03).
• Hosts acknowledge the book is mostly about the wild-goofy sex, but note there's some attempted emotional depth that doesn’t fully land.

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Notable Quotes & Moments (Timestamps)

• On setting expectations:

  "Every year to celebrate the holidays … we talk about books where people get ram slammed, jammed, and hammed." – Andrew, 04:52

• On explicit content warning:

  "We'll be talking about a number of things including very adult content. Cussing. Genitalia mentions. Sexual content and behavior. Some very dubious consent." – Craig, 05:00

• On the book's structure:

  "It's like a sex sandwich where it opens with 30% that's constant sex and closes with like 10 or 20% that's constant sex. And does all this weird lore in the middle." – Andrew, 26:33

• On authorial intent and tone:

  "I'll warn you now. I kinked for Krampus Hard." – Author’s Note as read by Craig, 16:52

• On AI illustrations:

  "It immediately brings the entire rest of the work into question and I have to burn precious brain cycles on, is this AI or not?" – Andrew, 12:53

• On holiday innuendo:

  "'Holy holly berries.' … 'Deck my halls.' … 'Fuck my jingly balls.' " – Various, 28:39–28:45

• On the infamous eggnog:

  "Krampus, she exclaims, breathless, and touches the wetness dripping down her breasts. 'It tastes… You taste like eggnog.' … Surprise, I bob my brows, amused…" – Book, read by Andrew, 51:16

• On lore challenges:

  "Not only is it a lot, but it's still introducing new powers and aspects of Krampus in the last chapter … This book never stops challenging you." – Andrew, 26:33

• On body horror finale:

  "With a deep chuckle, I rise … then unleash my fur. Narrow ribbons of fur from my pelvis and legs that latch onto her legs like soft sucking tentacles..." – Book, read by Andrew, 67:07

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Final Thoughts & Takeaways

• The hosts had fun with the sheer audacity and ridiculousness of the book, acknowledging both its entertainment value and its narrative weaknesses.
• They critique the uneven pacing, lack of world development outside the bedroom, and the sometimes obtuse lore, while frequently circling back on the comedic excesses of the explicit content.
• The episode maintains respect for readers of all stripes, but relishes the chance to revel in Krampus’s over-the-top antics, and the book’s blend of holiday, horror, and horny.

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Episode Highlights by Timestamp

• [03:57] – Strong warning that this is an NSFW, adults-only holiday episode.
• [06:52]–[15:14] – Detailed discussion of Emily Shore’s career, tone, and authorial background.
• [17:26]–[24:19] – Krampus folklore crash course, including parade, postcard, and internet culture.
• [26:33]–[29:07] – Hosts introduce the “sex sandwich” structure and marvel at Krampus’s powers.
• [39:14]–[42:10] – Analysis of the book’s narrative stumbling blocks and action confusion.
• [50:17]–[54:53] – The “eggnog” revelation: laughter, culinary reflection, and disgust ensue.
• [64:01]–[69:28] – Climax (pun intended): immortal marriage, graphic sex, and the book’s bonkers finale.
• [74:20]–[80:21] – Goodreads reviews, reflection on monster-smut genre, and “meeting the book halfway.”

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Tone Check

In classic Overdue style, Craig and Andrew toggle between open-mouthed incredulity, sympathetic parsing of authorial intent, and frank, profane humor. The conversation is loose, irreverent, and laden with holiday puns.

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For Listeners Who Haven’t Read the Book

This episode is a wild, NSFW romp through monster romance territory—equal parts literary postmortem and roast, with a surprising amount of folklore and genuine curiosity about what monster-rom readers get out of these feverishly imaginative stories. Even if you’d never pick up Kidnapped by the Krampus, you’ll walk away with a vivid understanding of both its shlocky appeal and the questions it raises.

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Memorable Closer

"You can send us your eggnog recipes at [e-mail]. If you’re Krampus, don’t send it. We know what it is." – Craig, 83:24

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Next Week: The hosts lighten things up with American Girl doll books Meet Samantha and Meet Addie. Happy holidays from Overdue!

Transcript

[Andrew]

This is a Headgun podcast.

[Craig]

This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile. You know, you don't have to let big wireless and your overpriced phone bill suck the joy out of the holidays this year.

[Andrew]

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[Craig]

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[Andrew]

This is the thing I've done. I have said, I have gone to my previous wireless carrier and I have said, bah humbug. Not literally, but sort of figuratively by canceling my service with them and switching over to Mint Mobile. This is their best deal of the year and it's happening right now. You can get a 3, 6 or 12 month unlimited plan for $15 a month. All Mint plans come with high speed data and unlimited talk and text on the nation's largest 5G network. You can bring your current phone and number over to Mint. There are no contracts, Craig, and no nonsense. I know how you hate nonsense.

[Craig]

People say nonsense and I say no, thank you.

[Andrew]

I have been using Mint Mobile for years now, like well before they were ever an advertiser with us. It's great service. It is cheap. I pay once a year and so I pay in like December for service and then the rest of the year I kind of feel like I'm getting, getting away with something because there's nothing extra that's coming out of my bank account. I have to say, I think even before candy canes, this is my favorite Mint of the holiday season is Mint Mobile.

[Craig]

I like that. So turn your expensive wireless present into huge wireless savings future by switching to Mint Shop. Mint unlimited [e-mail] overdue. That's mintmobile.com overdue. It's a limited time offer. Upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 for 12 month plan required. That's the 15 month equivalent. Taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term Only greater than 35 gigabytes. May slow when network is busy. Capable device required. Availability, speed and coverage varies. See mintmobile.com okay, so you've just finished an amazing book. You laughed, you cried, you told all your friends about it. But you're not ready to be done.

[Andrew]

Talking about it yet because you have a million questions for the author here's where I might be able to help. I'm Mattea Roach and on my podcast bookends, I ask authors all your burning questions.

[Craig]

Like why is John Green obsessed with tuberculosis? And why did Taylor Jenkins Reid want.

[Andrew]

To bring her latest love story to outer space?

[Craig]

You can check out bookends with Mattea.

[Andrew]

Roach on your favorite podcast app.

[Craig]

While Andrew and Craig believe the joy of discovery is crucial to enjoying any well told tale, they will not shy.

[Andrew]

Away from spoiling specific story beats when necessary.

[Craig]

Plus, these are books you should have read by now. Hey everybody. Welcome to Overdue. It's a podcast about the books you've been meaning to read. My name is Craig.

[Andrew]

My name is Andrew.

[Craig]

Code blue. We're working blue in here.

[Andrew]

Did you just mess your pouch? Was that what that noise was?

[Craig]

Welcome to our holiday tradition of children. Go play with your presents. This episode's not for you.

[Andrew]

This. Yeah, this is an adult episode of Overdue, the podcast about books you've been meaning to read. Where every week one of us reads a book that we've never read before, tells the other person about it. This is one of our slightly format breaking episodes. Because we've both read the book. I feel like when we do the Happy Horny Days episodes, yeah, both need to share. We need to share the weight. Also, I would hate to be telling you about some of this stuff and like not having you there with me in it, like experiencing it firsthand with me.

[Craig]

I feel like years ago we may have made the, we may have tried to relay these books to each other. I don't think we've done that too much with the, with the Happy Horny Days books, but I feel like we would have made that mistake not knowing that it is better for us both to know what's going on in there.

[Andrew]

So every year to celebrate the holidays. Yeah, we talk about books where people get ram slammed, jammed and hammed.

[Craig]

The explicit tag is here for a reason, folks. We'll be talking about a number of things in this episode, including very adult content.

[Andrew]

Cussing. Lots of cussing.

[Craig]

Cussing. Genitalia mentions, sexual content and behavior. Some very dubious consent. Nothing more. Yeah, dubious consent. Some, you know, people who like to play in the bedroom.

[Andrew]

Yeah, there's a, there's a Santa Clause here who is not. Who is not very jolly.

[Craig]

Big trigger warning. Santa's here.

[Andrew]

Santa's here.

[Craig]

Just, you know, he's very real and he gets real, though. I, I have a lot of questions about Santa in this book. Yeah, I think specifically about whatever happens to him.

[Andrew]

We have not named the book that we've read yet.

[Craig]

No. I realize last year we set a calendar reminder that we needed to order and then read a book called Kidnapped by the Krampus.

[Andrew]

We found Kidnapped by the Krampus after we had already picked another book for Horny days. And we were like, well, this one seems too rich a text to ignore. Let's make sure we do it for next year. And so I'm so happy we did that. Also.

[Craig]

Is this part of a series? Let me double check.

[Andrew]

I believe it is part of a series.

[Craig]

Part of the wars and Romances series.

[Andrew]

Yeah. There are at least a couple of other Krampus books. And I think the bonus chapters at the end of this that you read and I like skimmed one of, I think those are. Those are chapters from future books. But yes, if you really want to read more about the adventures of Krampus and Twyla, those books are there for you.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

Kidnapped by the Krampus by Emily Shore.

[Craig]

Published 2023. There's not much on Shore out there. She's Minnesota based. She studied at Metro State University. Her first kind of breakthrough series was something called the Uncaged series. The first book was called the Aviary. You can find coverage of that book and that series out there in the world. It's basically a.

[Andrew]

About Boyd's.

[Craig]

No, I don't know. I don't think so. It's not.

[Andrew]

The Aviary is not about boys.

[Craig]

Well, it's a young adult handmaid's tale esque series about girls who are like kidnapped and trafficked and put into like human zoos or something. Okay, so not about boys, not about boids. And she has done some activist work around anti trafficking stuff. So that's like. She mostly wrote YA fiction in the first few years of her career and then gets into adult fiction in 2020. 2021. One of the first things she comes out with is Bride of the Corpse King. And then she has a few other series like her Monstrous Boys, which I think those are. Oh, those are the dragon ones. Those are the dragon fantasy romances.

[Andrew]

It's like some of us got into Sourdough and some of us got into writing Monster Smart. We all responded to 2020 differently.

[Craig]

There's a series called Death and Destruction. Courting Death and Destruction. Tempting Death and Destruction. Hunting Death and Destruction. Andrew, I'm going to send you a book from her Shopify page. I believe this is in the Roars and Romances series. Most recent entry. Just need you to read. Tell me the title of the Book. And then tell me the, like, tagline.

[Andrew]

Sort of tagline on this poster here. Yeah, it's Hunted by the Headless Horseman. You'll never see Pumpkin Spice or giving head the same way again.

[Craig]

So that should tell you kind of the.

[Andrew]

Oh, look at the illustrations here.

[Craig]

Yeah. The vibe of this book. I don't really know. These look like real.

[Andrew]

Someone really drew these. I'm happy about that.

[Craig]

Really sketched these Gentlemen Horseman Pumpkin Lad behaviors while this lady goes apple bobbing.

[Andrew]

Because, man, there's definitely a. There's an illustration in this book that occurs in between every chapter break.

[Craig]

Because the chapters go back and forth in perspective.

[Andrew]

Yeah. They shift from Twyla, who is a human, to Krampus, who is a Krampus, who is the Christmas monster. Krampus.

[Craig]

Yeah, we'll talk about him in a second.

[Andrew]

And there's an illustration between every chapter that is clearly AI generated. It's got that AI thing where everything is super detailed, but also the details don't make any sense.

[Craig]

Did you look into this?

[Andrew]

Did not. I. I didn't look into it. I just got mad about it.

[Craig]

Okay.

[Andrew]

Did you look into the.

[Craig]

Well, so I double. When you mentioned that to me, I double checked my addition to the book. There's a cover art credit. There are apparently.

[Andrew]

Yeah. The COVID does not look like. No, no. The COVID looks like somebody did it.

[Craig]

There's something called interior design by Kate Seeger. And then I googled who Kate Seeger was and I believe she is another author. And then I found. Oh, do I still have this up? I found an article on authors, AI from this September about how authors are parentheses. Really using AI. And Kate Seeger, who is a fantasy author, said, you know, that she uses it to review her own work and to generate imagery and copy for marketing newsletters as well as other things like that. So the fact that it says interior design rather than like art by. Or image.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Craig]

You know, that leads me to believe that Kate Seeger helped Emily Shore, you know, prompt a computer into spitting this thing out.

[Andrew]

Yeah. It's just like when I run into an image like that, the first thing I start to wonder is, you know, if the. If the person who did this book is okay with using this image in this way, then do I have to wonder about whether the rest of this is AI too? I'm pretty sure this is not AI. Like, there are a couple of awkward prose things we can talk about that make me think it's. It's distinctly human. And there are some just challenging ideas in Here that I don't think that the computer would have absorbed from anywhere else.

[Craig]

I don't think so. I just does seem a very human tale.

[Andrew]

But I think this, I think this is big in like I've run into this elsewhere and like in ads for people's like self published romance and fantasy books. Like I think this happens a lot and I think people, people who do that think I don't have any money to pay an artist. I have like illustrations in mind. I'm just gonna get as close as I can get with these AI tools and it'll be fine. And like, I can understand why you would think that that's kind of a victimless crime because it's not like you're going out to pay an artist to.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

To do these kinds of illustrations for you anyway. I just feel like one you are taking. You are substituting AI for the work of somebody who's in like the same boat as you as a creator, as an artist, like an independent, somebody who probably be willing to do work for you for not a. A ton of money and they're on the same rung of the ladder as you and you're not supporting them by doing this. And then also if I run into any AI anything like it immediately brings the entire rest of the work into question and I have to burn precious brain cycles on. Is this AI or not?

[Craig]

Yep.

[Andrew]

Which is just a game that we all get to play for the rest of our lives, apparently.

[Craig]

Yep. That's what we're doing now.

[Andrew]

Yeah. And yeah, but before I argue, I beg of independent authors before you do this kind of thing. Like if you're doing it to ideate or to do concept art or whatever, then, you know, fine, I guess. But if you're putting it in your published work, I really would like you to think twice about doing that. It just really. It rubs me in all the wrong ways. Not like the. Not like Cramps books and his light up Monster Dong.

[Craig]

A few other things. A few other things about Shore and this book I found on the Goodreads page for this book. A few other details that. Yeah.

[Andrew]

Guitars on the Wall. Do you have reviews?

[Craig]

Those will come later.

[Andrew]

Okay.

[Craig]

Like Krampus.

[Andrew]

All right, well, we'll do a break and then I'll get my guitar and I'll be ready for him.

[Craig]

She, you know, rebranded in 2021 on a platform that I had not heard of. Andrew, we've been doing this podcast for a long time. Kindle Vella. Is that a thing you've ever heard of?

[Andrew]

Oh, I think I've, I think I've heard of it. This is like, this is a self publishing.

[Craig]

It's a serialized and it's now gone. But it was a, it was a platform for serialized self publishing.

[Andrew]

I believe I have heard of it. Like that, that, that combination of weird words. Kindle Vella, I have heard in sequence before.

[Craig]

So a lot of her.

[Andrew]

And then it closed in February of this year.

[Craig]

Yeah. So a lot of her stuff in some of those other series post 2021 was published on that platform. She found a lot of success on that platform, is kind of finding her way out of it now. She said that when she swapped out of YA into, you know, dark fantasy romance, she, you know, had a major identity transformation, wrote three books in three months and processed her own identity, healed from her past trauma and came out as bisexual. And now she's here writing books where everybody's a little queer and polyamorous and not quite this book, but I, I see what she's going for. Her favorite film is the Princess Bride. Andrew, is that helpful?

[Andrew]

Yeah, that's fine. I. Yeah, that's a good choice.

[Craig]

Okay, relative to this book, that her favorite movie is the Prince is the Princess Bride and her favorite Broadway is the Phantom of the Opera. All of this makes way more sense now.

[Andrew]

Sure.

[Craig]

Yes.

[Andrew]

She does talk a little bit in the author's note at the end about how she and her partner both, I think were like victims of some kind of abuse. Like I think she was, she was in a cult or something.

[Craig]

She describes it as a, as a cult like community. They're similar and she's kind of woven into this, you know, character.

[Andrew]

If you're going from, if you're going from what happens to Twilight, it sounds like it was some, some super conservative and strange sect of Christianity.

[Craig]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Andrew]

And it does get, it does get all Charlie Brown Christmas right at the end of the script.

[Craig]

It really does.

[Andrew]

Linus comes out on stage and reminds us what the true meaning of Christmas is. But she writes in the author's note about combining, you know, I'm somebody who believes in God and Jesus Christ, but also in pagan traditions, and I don't think they need to be in conflict with each other. Is a thing that she says, basically.

[Craig]

Can I read the other thing? Can I read the other thing she says in the author's note?

[Andrew]

You sure can.

[Craig]

Some of this is just a reminder of what we just said. A few notes before you dive in. This book contains dubious consent scenarios, parentheses. But her pleasure always comes first. Get It Dom brat dynamics, discipline and punishment and references to past trauma. At its heart though, you'll always find the theme of light in the darkness. I'll warn you now. I kinked for Krampus Hard.

[Andrew]

I kinked for Krampus Hard.

[Craig]

There's also a Christmas playlist in the book if you know, if that's of interest to you. I meant to put if you want to really make it so you can only listen to those songs in a certain mood.

[Andrew]

I don't think anything on it was quite as singular as the playlist that. That accompany the Twilight books that Stephenie Meyer puts out. I don't think there was a lot of Linkin park on it, but no.

[Craig]

I have some stuff on.

[Andrew]

I appreciate an author who gives me a soundtrack, I guess.

[Craig]

Yes. Would you like to talk about Krampus, Andrew?

[Andrew]

Do you want to talk about Krampus? The monster who probably doesn't. Didn't exist before St. Nicholas and Christianity but who some people believe may have like pre Christian roots and those pre Christian Norse roots are things that. Emily Stone, that's her name, right?

[Craig]

Sure.

[Andrew]

Emily Shore. Emily Shore. I knew it was a five letter word.

[Craig]

Playing Wordle over here with our authors. She.

[Andrew]

She plays into the. The pre Christian like Norse origins and just takes that to be a fact.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

For the Krampus in this book. I don't think that most scholars agree with her on that, but is that the Krampus that you want to talk about?

[Craig]

That is the Krampus that I want to talk about.

[Andrew]

Okay. What do you. I know things I knew about Krampus going in kind of a fuzzy monster, big tongue.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

Didn't know a lot of the other facts about Krampus that come to light in this story.

[Craig]

So he is thought to be part of solstice rituals in Alpine communities in Europe. So like you know, northern Europe, Austria, German speaking kind of mountainous communities. The whole like Norse goat man. They believe. Some believe that he is the. The son of Hell, the goddess of the Norse underworld. That seems to be a bit kind of maybe grafted on as a like giving him his pre Christian bona fides kind of.

[Andrew]

We're just trying to work it into the extended universe.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

Once the company that made hell and the company that made Krampus became the same company, they had to kind of work every. Everything together in a weird way.

[Craig]

Once St. Nicholas is really established as the gift giving guy, he gets wrapped up in Christianity and they create Krampus knocked on December 5th, which is the night before St. Nicholas Day. On December 6th. So Krampus will beat up or take away or eat all the naughty kids. And then in the morning all the good kids get presents from St. Nick. That's how it works.

[Andrew]

So they're kind of. They're a team. They're a dyad.

[Craig]

They are.

[Andrew]

And that relationship does exist here. We'll talk about it more.

[Craig]

There are these things called Krampus Lauf. They are the Krampus runs. They are like kind of Halloween esque parades where, you know, drunk Austrian men scare children while dressed as Krampus. That's kind of the goal there. Basically like it's winter, it's spooky. You, you're feeling, you're not sure how you were. This year we got a bunch of.

[Andrew]

Stuff from the Spirit Halloween that we want to use twice.

[Craig]

Why not have a goofy goatman chase you? In the late 1800s there is a spike of popularity in something called Krampus carton. Do you know about these, Andrew?

[Andrew]

Spike in popularity?

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

No, I don't know about the Krampus carton.

[Craig]

So these are Krampus. They are Krampus postcards that like spring up in the late 1800s in Germany and Austria as like mass production is enabled. And what do people want to do? Turn their printing presses into weird Krampus card machines. And everybody is printing these Krampus postcards. Some of them are sexy, some of them have a lady Krampus. Lady Krampus. Some of them are just like cool photos of Krampus eating kids, you know, just like you do and you'd give them to people and they were popular until I guess Germany burned all their credibility in World War I. I'm not really sure what happened there, man.

[Andrew]

Can you imagine, can you imagine if they'd focused on soft power and just kind of taking the world over with their cool Christmas monster.

[Craig]

I would love to read a Wikipedia called the Krampus hegemony. That would be really wonderful.

[Andrew]

And then interest consider that when they do what if history about world, about the world wars.

[Craig]

Krampus resurfaces. He emerges in the 2000s in like America probably like maybe some other people are finding this, but a graphic designer and like comic artist Mont Beauchamp publishes some books about these Krampus cards and gets a bunch of people interested. Then the Internet gets a hold of Krampus and then by the 2010s we have multiple like Krampus holiday horror movies and you're buying Krampus on ugly sweaters.

[Andrew]

I believe Krampus is mentioned or he comes up in one of the Christmas episodes of the non Terrible Office seasons.

[Craig]

Okay.

[Andrew]

And I think that might, you know, that. I don't know if that's a symptom or a cause of uptick in Krampus interest, but it's coming at about the right time. Yep.

[Craig]

You know, the 2015 movie, Just Krampus, you know, emerges holiday horror, all that kind of stuff.

[Andrew]

As Allison Tolman, Adam Scott.

[Craig]

Yep. Tony Collette. Yeah.

[Andrew]

On a lot other people.

[Craig]

I found an article from the University of Wisconsin, Madison called what's the Deal with Krampus? And it, you know, talks about all of this kind of stuff and talks about how we like to, you know, play with folklore and tradition. And he says part of the appeal is that it connects back to antiquity, but also has a meaning for the people here. And now they're having fun connecting with their heritage.

[Andrew]

And.

[Craig]

And I would like to add it's just a Jack Skellington for Christmas. Like, we have this in our modern society. There are a lot of people who, you know, for very understanding reasons, I've. I love Charlie Brown Christmas, just don't get along with the cheery part of Christmas. They want a fun kind of horror slash goofy version of it, and they want to get a version that they can buy at Hot Topic, for lack of a better word. Like, it's just goofy. It's not. We're not honoring the tradition of scaring children here. We're just like, what is the thing I can get that's not a Santa Claus? Because I grew up not loving like Santa Claus, like. And I. I say that without judgment. It's just a different way to do with. Do Christmas.

[Andrew]

I'm just. I just want to take issue with needing a Jack Skellington for Christmas because Jack Skellington for Christmas is already Jack Skellington. That's his whole thing.

[Craig]

We have Jack Skellington at home. I understand. That's just. I was trying to find the, like, for people who like Halloween, but, like, a silly Halloween like Jack Skellington is there for you.

[Andrew]

I think the. The people who put up the big Home Depot yard skeletons and then keep them up for Christmas decorations by putting lights and hats and stuff on them. I think they're capturing that. They're capturing that vibe.

[Craig]

Sure.

[Andrew]

And also saving themselves a lot of money work.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

And probably skirting some, like, HOA rules and other, like, depending on the communities that they're living in.

[Craig]

But, yeah, people, I think it. For me, it is hard to disentangle Krampus from Like Internet Krampus, you know, he's just. He's the Internet's Krampus.

[Andrew]

Yeah, I don't think anybody's asking you to disentangle Krampus from anything in this.

[Craig]

I don't. I don't think I could.

[Andrew]

Krampus is only getting more entangled with. Well, with people and things.

[Craig]

Okay, should we talk about the book now?

[Andrew]

Yeah, we should take a break.

[Craig]

Let's take a quick break and then we're gonna hydrate.

[Andrew]

Yeah, we're gonna agree on a safe word and then come back and talk about. About Kidnapped by the Krampus.

[Craig]

See you in a bit. Quick, choose a meal deal with McValue. The five dollar McChicken meal deal, the $6 McDouble meal deal, or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal, each with its own small fries, drink and Four Piece MC. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's for a limited time only.

[Andrew]

Prices and participation may vary.

[Craig]

Not by aldermic delivery.

[Andrew]

All right, Craig, time to sit down with a big frosty glass of eggnog and open this book and just see what we see. Huh?

[Craig]

One of our Patreon supporters, mon, said, okay, time to pour a little glass of wine and sit down with Kidnapped by Krampus on a Friday night. Also me not prepared for the sheer amount of spit takes in the first 10%.

[Andrew]

Yeah, there's a lot of stuff going on here.

[Craig]

This fucking book. What the fuck?

[Andrew]

Now we're past the cussing barrier.

[Craig]

Jesus please us.

[Andrew]

It's a lot. It's a lot.

[Craig]

It is also longer than I anticipated.

[Andrew]

It's. Well, you know what else is longer than you? A lot of things is again, Krampus's glowing, Christmasy monster dong.

[Craig]

Yeah, yeah, but like, do you know what I mean? We're gonna talk about a lot of parts of this book.

[Andrew]

Not only is it a lot, not only is it a lot, not only is it like a sex sandwich where it opens with like 30% that's constant sex and closes with like 10 or 20% that's constant sex. And does all this weird lore in the middle.

[Craig]

You're right. No, that's exactly what happens.

[Andrew]

Not only is it that, but like it is still introducing new powers and aspects of Krampus. Like in the last chapter, we're still finding out new stuff that Krampus's body can do. And I just. It was just. It was just a lot. This book never stops challenging you.

[Craig]

Yeah, I was thinking a little bit about that one that we Read where that lady was Santa Claus and she.

[Andrew]

Was like lesbian Santa and then the she was like relay and Santa is like a hereditary position. But also woman hadn't been Santa in a thousand years.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

And also the magi exist and they all like hang out. Yeah.

[Craig]

That one, that one was like half the length of this one. And I just. There are a lot of this book is Krampus whipping his tongue around. A lot of it is just where can Krampus's tongue go next? You wouldn't believe the places this guy's tongue can go. And it just she really wants to tell you about it and Yeah. A sex sandwich is a good way to put it. Andrew. I feel I don't think I have I can recall one of these that we've read that is so explicitly a very padded sex sandwich like this Krampus.

[Andrew]

I guess I gush at the thought of a Christmas wedding when he extends his tongue into a figure eight to coil around each of my nipples, removing the clamps and tonguing and sucking and tugging the buds. I almost combust again.

[Craig]

The book really sneaks up and is like no, his tongue is like forever long.

[Andrew]

His tongue is really long and like prehensile and do a lot of stuff. So but she also, she also has a sort of 50 Shades esque way of making up like Christmas cusses.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

Did you like Christmas? Oh, mistletoe kisses is one that happens there.

[Craig]

Holy holly berries.

[Andrew]

Holy holly berries is good.

[Craig]

Uh huh.

[Andrew]

Fuck my jingly balls.

[Craig]

Yes.

[Andrew]

It's not my jingly bells. Or is it my jingly balls?

[Craig]

Deck. Well, deck my halls. Someone says toward the end of the book.

[Andrew]

There's also a bit toward the end where she says she wants Krampus to her boneless, which just sounds like we're doing a KFC thing.

[Craig]

I, I yeah, it'll Boneless. That poor dog who had like or that was it a cat who had boneless days? That, that meme cat. It was like. Well it's like, oh, I'm so boneless.

[Andrew]

Or like I'm not sure what you're talking about. Sure.

[Craig]

It's like that that's thing. Also there's a thing at the end where she's like, oh, I want this part of you to be on my list of favorite things. And then right before he shoves his demon cock into her, he says this will be at the top of your favorite things. And I just thought, oh man, Julie Andrews is still alive. She could foreseeably someone could show this book to her.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Craig]

And she would have to read about Krampus saying that his cock is one of somebody's favorite things.

[Andrew]

Maybe it would be one of Julie Andrews favorite things. We don't know what she's into.

[Craig]

You're right. I don't know. You're right.

[Andrew]

Fuck my jingly balls. All right, how does this book open? It feels the need to come up with like just enough of a real world to incorrect that like, Twyla can be a human person, but then it doesn't spend any time there.

[Craig]

Yeah, it doesn't. Twyla is a human woman.

[Andrew]

A human Twilight is her name.

[Craig]

A single girl dining on pizza rolls and TV dinners and the occasional cheap vodka with friends. I'm no princess. I'm just a Canal street girl with a rust bucket car and more secondhand clothes and fancy dresses. Closest I have to a crown is two artificial front teeth after losing a tug of war with a dog. Man.

[Andrew]

I highlighted that because that comes out of nowhere, like a third of the way through the book. And I'm like, twyla, what? What are you talking about? How old were you when this happened?

[Craig]

Canal Street. Is that. Is that Chicago or is that New York? I guess there's a Canal street in New York. One of the.

[Andrew]

Did you talk about being like Southern though, at one point?

[Craig]

Great question. This book opens with Twyla being who is some sort of journalist. She works in media.

[Andrew]

She works in media. She's caught her boss fucking his secretary, which for some reason gives him more power over her.

[Craig]

Correct.

[Andrew]

Because she works in media. And so she desperately needs to keep her job because there are no other media jobs.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

Her media job does seem to be going to like corporate Christmas parties and reporting them. Like scoops.

[Craig]

Yeah. So she is going to Krampus World. Krampus World on assignment.

[Andrew]

Different from Krampus Haven.

[Craig]

Different. We'll find out about that.

[Andrew]

Talk about that.

[Craig]

Yeah. And she, she loves Krampus stuff personally. But she is.

[Andrew]

I mean, she loves monster smut. She's not being punished.

[Craig]

Excited to do this, like, Christmas gig. But the book never says that. She's like, from, you know, a small town where everybody loves Christmas. She's not from the hustle and bustle of New York. That one reference to Canal street, like, that's it. She has a. I don't.

[Andrew]

Yeah. Canal street wear is a great question.

[Craig]

She has a flex phone. Andrew. What the fuck is that? You write about technology. What's a flex phone?

[Andrew]

If I had to guess, I might mean flip phone.

[Craig]

Great.

[Andrew]

But I'm not Sure. That is not terminology that I'm familiar with. Maybe some kind of foldable that I'm not.

[Craig]

Krampus has a flexed hat, which is a high tech tattoo that he uses instead of a phone. But that goes away. It goes away after, like the second chapter.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Craig]

But yes, she has been assigned this job to go to Krampus World, which is new. Unclear.

[Andrew]

I think it's new. And she talks about how she likes monster schmut. And then she. She's the kind of a smut novel heroine who walks by somebody with like some kind of something that he could possibly hit her with. And he's like. And she's like, man, I'm so. I'm just soaked already. I'm ready to go. I'm so turned on by ambient things that are happening in the world around me.

[Craig]

She's also into cosplay. Like, she has made her own, like, Krampus World costume where she.

[Andrew]

She's a fallen angel.

[Craig]

She's a fallen angel. And we get.

[Andrew]

We get light references to her having unhappy Christmases.

[Craig]

Correct? Yes.

[Andrew]

As a child. But that's all we get until later in the.

[Craig]

Later in the story, she goes into Krampus World and an old man of some kind. Krampus adjacent is Mephisto, Right? Mephisto is just like, hey, what if I connected you with the guy?

[Andrew]

Yeah, the big guy.

[Craig]

And she's like, cool costumes. I love it.

[Andrew]

I'm going to meet the CEO of Krampus World.

[Craig]

The CEO of Krampus World, which allows her to do some like. Isn't this like fifty Shades? Like, okay, like fifty Shades.

[Andrew]

And also like, wow, what great costumes everyone is. Everyone is wearing for the first, like, quarter of this book. Twyla is like, wow, what a realistic costume that this Krampus guy never takes off and that I'm interacting with literally constantly. What an amazing costume this is. Is. It's so realistic.

[Craig]

So we get a quick Krampus chapter where he says to me, where Mephisto says, don't this up, Cramps. You don't have much time left. And if you loot. No one calls him. Wait, I don't know if he calls him Cramp. You might call him Krampus. My iOS might have called it Cramps.

[Andrew]

I think he might. I think that might have autocorrected to cramps. Because I don't think Mephisto and Krampus have that casual relationship. Let me. I mean, I like, insert.

[Craig]

You can check real quick. He says you don't have much time left and if you lose M. Dash.

[Andrew]

Is not in cramps. Is not in.

[Craig]

Which set. Which set off my like. Is this a beauty in the like. What is the curse? What is the thing that Krampus has to do? And I'll tell you by the end of the book. I still don't know. I'm a little unclear on the curse of Krampus. So you want to lay it out now?

[Andrew]

I can try.

[Craig]

Do your best.

[Andrew]

So I think the curse of Krampus. Okay. So sand.

[Craig]

So Klaus, we learned this. We learn all this later in the book. In the sex sandwich. It doesn't matter.

[Andrew]

He exists and he has taken possession of Krampus soul tether.

[Craig]

Yeah. Which grants Klaus immortality.

[Andrew]

It grant. Well. And it also grants him control over Krampus. It does because Saint old Saint Nick was a guy who likes giving presents to children and like doing nice things. But then he liked it too much and then he just wanted to be famous. And so he went down to hell. I guess he did.

[Craig]

He went. He made a deal with the literal devil.

[Andrew]

He went and made a deal with the devil in hell. Who we don't really.

[Craig]

Nope. We don't meet him with.

[Andrew]

Other than this.

[Craig]

Nope.

[Andrew]

And he goes down and grabs Krampus soul tether and then makes. Makes Krampus do all this bad stuff to kids.

[Craig]

Correct.

[Andrew]

Gives the world something that Santa can help save them from.

[Craig]

Yes. Correct.

[Andrew]

And then the curse. I'm not. I'm not a thousand percent sure. But there's some stuff where Krampus is also like the king of some demons. And Krampus and all the demons who live in Krampus Haven, the village that he is king of. All need to feed off human emotions.

[Craig]

Yep.

[Andrew]

Periodically.

[Craig]

Yep.

[Andrew]

And so I think we are getting toward the end of a 100 year period where for some reason Krampus has been able to avoid.

[Craig]

Yep.

[Andrew]

Doing terrible things to kids.

[Craig]

Yep. Huh.

[Andrew]

For a bit.

[Craig]

Yep.

[Andrew]

But he's running out of time. He's running out of energy.

[Craig]

And he. He built Krampus World.

[Andrew]

Which is what? Which is a company that does what?

[Craig]

No. Krampus. Krampus World is a place. It's a. It is a. It is a monster style.

[Andrew]

Was the company that he was the CEO of.

[Craig]

Yes. Correct. It's an attraction. It is a. It is a Krampus attraction that you go there and you. You know, I guess Krampus scares you and your scream energy goes into Krampus Haven and Steve Buscemi goes. And then.

[Andrew]

But yeah, that's.

[Craig]

And that's how they all stay alive. But when the cur. If he had. I don't know what he has to do. Before the Hundred Year Curse.

[Andrew]

There's some kind of true loves kiss thing where the love of a good woman can free Krampus from Santa's. From. From under Santa's thumb. But also the women like Klaus comes and tells them all that they'll have to be like. They'll have to live with a demon forever and be getting their emotions like sucked out of them by demons forever.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

And every girl who Krampus has ever brought home up to now has evaluated that. The terms of that deal and said, give me the Men in Black memory eraser snow globe so I can't get it and I can get out of here.

[Craig]

Well, I guess it's like the red and green pill because it's Christmas and they take.

[Andrew]

We're told that these snow globes erase all memories of people from both Krampus and the woman who shakes it. It does not seem like the one that Twyla has given works very well. Maybe she got a dud. But it doesn't do what Klaus says it.

[Craig]

Because Krampus definitely remembers her a lot.

[Andrew]

He definitely remembers her and she remembers him with like the barest amount of prodding.

[Craig]

Yes, well, a lot of prodding.

[Andrew]

Well, so, okay, whatever. But so that, that's the, that's the background of this. But it's never the plot just kind of dumps out and people like Klaus is always just kind of lurking around a corner to appear.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

And I'm regular like there's that sequence where we meet Klaus for the first time in like the halls of Krampus Castle because he's just like roving around like being a dick. And Krampus, like he shows Krampus a snow globe that is showing him visions of stuff.

[Craig]

Uh huh.

[Andrew]

But then Krampus beats him up.

[Craig]

Yeah, Krampus kicks the shit out of him.

[Andrew]

But then he looks at the snow globe again. But then Twyla is there and. But it turns out that Twyla was actually physically there. And then she runs far, far away. Yeah, like Sonic the Hedgehog. She goes so fast. And then she falls into ice, which Krampus sees in the snow globe somehow. Like where is anybody in relation to anything?

[Craig]

I know this book.

[Andrew]

The book's action is very hard to read. There are.

[Craig]

It's.

[Andrew]

Every once in a while you'll hit a sentence that really will. But I've sorted out my thoughts now. They're crystal clear with clarity.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

Is a sentence. My ass will pay. Fuck my jingly ball.

[Craig]

There was. There's a thing at the end. There's a. There's a thing at the end we'll talk about when we get to the end. I don't want to spoil it now. It's not even that much of a spoiler, but we'll save it. But it's like there are. There are.

[Andrew]

Now I'll light up the world of her ass until she jingles all the way home.

[Craig]

Yeah, there are.

[Andrew]

You just read something where it's like, wait, what's the. What is the syntax? There are percentage.

[Craig]

Where you have to reread it to figure out like, she'll. She'll write around something sometimes. And then to like, track that what you think is happening is happening, you have to kind of reread it and you're like, well, I guess I do have to reread the smut.

[Andrew]

Well, and every once in a while you'll go back to. Every once in a while you'll go back to reread something and you'll be like, did I? Surely I missed something? And it turns out that you didn't. And it just was very.

[Craig]

Well. Yeah.

[Andrew]

In the first place.

[Craig]

Which is like, listen, she's mostly here to have Krampus just go to town on this lady. And like, if you think it's called Kidnapped by the Krampus, if you sign up for it, you're getting what is mostly on the tin. It's just every. The extra Klaus silliness and the curse that is like what's happening here.

[Andrew]

Of course, that's the part I feel like we are. We are the most attracted.

[Craig]

We are reading the porn for the articles. That is.

[Andrew]

But it's just. It's just like the storytelling is a little bit loose, a little bit sloppy. And it's. It's not the only thing that's a little bit loose, a little bit sloppy. But like, even during. Even for the sex stuff she makes. The Krampus makes this big deal about having to not use his tongue when he's. Because he's. He can shift into, like, different. He's always the demon Krampus, but he can appear like, more demony.

[Craig]

Yeah, he's more like Frieza from Dragon Ball. He's like every Dragon Ball villain. He's got like three or four forms.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Craig]

And there's. She sees his scariest demon form at one point and she is horrified. But that's when Klaus attacks with zombies.

[Andrew]

Yeah. Klaus comes in with his revenants and tries to attack all the.

[Craig]

The draugr.

[Andrew]

Yeah, so. So we. Krampus can't do anything with his tongue. Can't show her his tongue because he doesn't want to. He doesn't want her to know that he's really the literal guy Krampus. But then like in the very next scene he's doing something with his tongue and it's just like well this is all just. This is all playing a little fast and loose with the timeline, with the rules, with the stakes. I don't understand.

[Craig]

So their meeting scene in Krampus world, Mephisto orchestrates it. Why? I have no idea. She is horny. And I guess also there's some stuff that is still very unclear to me that like so Twyla had a troubled childhood with this family that was sort of a cult. And like did they celebrate Christmas at all? Who knows? It. It was bad ever, you know, and every Christmas or something she would like go outside and yearn for Christmas or Krampus and she would try.

[Andrew]

She would try to keep like celebration related and holiday related paraphernalia around her house but her parents always found it and made her throw it out.

[Craig]

And it's kind of intimating that she just kind of has this supernatural yearning and at one and at some point in her life it like it skipped a rail over to Krampus fantasies. So like she seems. He seems to know about her in a way or, or he is able to do some research. You know what I mean?

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Craig]

And like, like he's.

[Andrew]

And again this is. This isn't sort of a. It's hard to gauge it against romance where the, the insta love thing just kind of happens and you just. And you just roll with it. But yeah, Krampus does seem really intimately familiar with her and sure about her. Even though aside from that first meeting, she spends like their first two or three sexual encounters fully unconscious from the kidnapping that he did to her.

[Craig]

So she is horny for him and they share a drink together and he puts magic in her drink. He just, he can just exude magic.

[Andrew]

Sure. That's what. Yeah, sure. No, that's what they, that's what they call them now.

[Craig]

And he kidnaps her.

[Andrew]

It's like 10 or 20 milligrams of magic will do it every time.

[Craig]

And immediately starts fondling her.

[Andrew]

Yeah, just sticking his finger places and she.

[Craig]

He says that she is his last chance. And so he has kidnapped this woman with an affinity for Krampus which I think all of the like Krampus longing backstory stuff is I believe meant to make us help us get past the dubious consent.

[Andrew]

There's some of that. And then she just at one point, one or two points is just like monster smut is so in right now.

[Craig]

She does literally out.

[Andrew]

What? What? Just say it.

[Craig]

Well, there's that whole scene where I.

[Andrew]

Think where Krampus reads monster smut food on candy on her right. Brumpa.

[Craig]

And.

[Andrew]

Krampus speaks in like a combination of English and Is it German language? Okay. So we just. And some. And some words he just like he can't say but. Or ass. He says rumpa.

[Craig]

He says ripe rumpa.

[Andrew]

Ripe rumpa.

[Craig]

My kirt.

[Andrew]

My kieran mystune.

[Craig]

And the first thing she says upon waking from being kidnapped is holy Santa Claus jingle shit balls. Because he is going to town on her.

[Andrew]

And then I think the first time.

[Craig]

She is mad that he ripped her costume though.

[Andrew]

Yeah. She's really mad that he. That he ripped the costume that she spent so much time on. But then he takes her out to the gazebo and dresses her like. He trims her like a tree with sex toys.

[Craig]

Yep.

[Andrew]

Shoves balls up inside her.

[Craig]

Yep.

[Andrew]

Like metal ones.

[Craig]

Yep. He likes to spank her a lot. Which she's into.

[Andrew]

This is a. And this is their sort of form, their formative sexual encounter.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

Is the Chris. The. The great Christmas tree trimming scene from Kidnapped by the Krampus.

[Craig]

And then there is a two week jump ahead.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Craig]

Where she still thinks he's wearing a costume.

[Andrew]

She still thinks he's wearing a costume. And he hasn't spoken a word of English to her since their initial meeting.

[Craig]

What do they do all day? They share three meals together.

[Andrew]

She is not allowed to go below the waist because he doesn't want her. Her to feel his monster pouch.

[Craig]

His pouch. His spout.

[Andrew]

I googled animal pouch genitalia in an incognito tab just to see if I could find like visualize what it's talking about. I think it's just that little like fuzzy nub around like a murka. Like. Yeah. Like a little like an animal's penis. And then the actual penis is in there.

[Craig]

Yeah. But for they.

[Andrew]

But it just sounds. For him it sounds like it's just like a fanny pack that he carries his duck around in.

[Craig]

Well. And she. And she writes, she like the book treats his penis like it is a. Like the way Spielberg hides the shark. Like they make you wait until those very expensive to show.

[Andrew]

And they had to do a lot of shooting with it in, like, liquid, and it wasn't. The animatronics were built to handle it.

[Craig]

They edited the film around it to make it super effective. It is very funny the way she's like, you can't. You can't handle it. You can't handle it. You can't handle it.

[Andrew]

He keeps telling her that she can't handle his monster tongue.

[Craig]

But I am very just. I was really struck by the fact that the book is like, she spent two weeks here. They share every meal together. He says nothing bad.

[Andrew]

They fall asleep in bed, and he has, like, one hand on her pussy and one hand on her breast.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

All at all times. It just seems like a strange, uncomfortable way for both of them to fall asleep. What do I know?

[Craig]

Still thinks it's a costume.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Craig]

And they encounter. Well, I guess they. They do a whole, like, bathing thing.

[Andrew]

I don't like as a word, but I am saying it because the book uses it. Yeah. We just have to, like.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

To use. To say vagina would be clinical in a way.

[Craig]

Doesn't seem correct.

[Andrew]

This book doesn't represent the text.

[Craig]

I was making notes about the tree trimming, and I was like, actually, vagina is not correct here. But no, like, there's a whole thing where she's, like, washing him and she thinks it's still a costume and that he's just the richest cosplayer ever.

[Andrew]

But then he just, like, he has good waterproof materials.

[Craig]

But then Clouse appears and we learn some of the backstory, as Andrew said. She runs away into the woods.

[Andrew]

Klaus is evil. Is the main part that you kind of pick up on in this.

[Craig]

Krampus runs after her, and she grabs his fur and pulls and is like, oh, wow. No, it's real. Huh?

[Andrew]

Yeah, because he jumps in the lake to save her and then takes her to another little cabin that he has.

[Craig]

And he says, I am Krampus. And then, yeah, his penis does emerge from the pouch.

[Andrew]

From the pouch.

[Craig]

And, quote, she explores my demon dick with reverence. And then.

[Andrew]

So she does it. She sucks Krampus off. Right.

[Craig]

And. And Krampus says, too long since anyone sucked my dick apart from my own tongue. Nothing like this.

[Andrew]

That was such a. What? Because, of course, if your tongue.

[Craig]

Merry Christmas. Give yourself a gift.

[Andrew]

There's. There's another reference later, like, a couple times in this book. The. The book says that Krampus is fisting himself. And I think it means masturbating.

[Craig]

Yeah, it does.

[Andrew]

Manually.

[Craig]

It does.

[Andrew]

But that's not the. I do not. I've not heard. That word used fisting means something else in this.

[Craig]

No, because he. Because he has heard to it at one point. And she uses. And he uses that verb too. That's a Norse thing. Maybe it's a Norse thing.

[Andrew]

Maybe it's a Norse thing. Just Kristing. Fisting.

[Craig]

But then the big thing, Andrew. The big reveal.

[Andrew]

She sucks. She sucks him off. It leaves us. It leaves us both shaking. The sensation is both overwhelming and ancient, yet new. I bury my face, grown in a language that's half praise, half pain. She gasps, clutches at my chest and surrenders to the aftershocks. While I'm still twitching. Twilight's shuddering limbs give out. I catch her as she doubles over, her body flush against mine, flush and fatigued. Before she can pass out, I crook my lips into a side smirk, rub my hand across those pretty breasts to collect my cum, and plunge three fingers into her mouth with cruel tenderness. She jerks. Her eyes glow warmer and softer than candles as she sucks my fingers with a delighted moan and a whimper. Krampus. She exclaims, breathless, and touches the wetness dripping down her breasts. It tastes. You taste like eggnog. Surprise. I bob my brows, amused, pleased, and my little sweetheart dives right back to devour my cockpit.

[Craig]

Yep. Eggnog everyone. Who's got. Who's got an eggnog recipe?

[Andrew]

He knew and he knew it tastes like eggnog. And he was like, waiting for her to realize it is my favorite part of that, like, surprise.

[Craig]

They spend the next chapter.

[Andrew]

How do you know how we can't know. How do you feel about eggnog?

[Craig]

Actual eggnog? Yes, I like it.

[Andrew]

Well, I mean, you don't. You don't know what's in eggnog. None of us.

[Craig]

Not anymore. I do like eggnog. I can't drink a lot of it. I don't drink a lot of it, but I do like it.

[Andrew]

I like it. I like it in such small quantities that I couldn't buy it in small enough quantity. Like I couldn't buy any without wasting it.

[Craig]

Yeah, that's a great way to put it. I've never made my own noggin. I know that there are people out there who like having.

[Andrew]

Has anybody helped. Helped you? Assisted you in making your. Making your own knob?

[Craig]

I've never been to Krampus Haven. No?

[Andrew]

Has anyone ever cranked your hog and made some nog?

[Craig]

Stitch that on a pillow? Buy that one at Krampus World gift shop. No, I've never, like, made.

[Andrew]

Do not buy the eggnog at The Krampus World gift shop. Do not buy. Is not pasteurized. Is not safe to consume.

[Craig]

Jesus Christ. No, I've never. Because I think there are recipes for nog that are not just the. Like, it's an alcoholic drink. It's like. Yeah, you're actually making the nog. I've never tried that.

[Andrew]

And I had an eggnog martini at a party last week, and it was lovely. And I was really glad after I started this book that I was reading this book after that party and not before.

[Craig]

Yep. Eggnog with a little bit of rum is pretty good. Rum and cinnamon is pretty good. But this is me just buying. Is the.

[Andrew]

Is the sort of canonical alcohol to combine with it. But yes, you can do a lot.

[Craig]

Is that true? I've had it with. I've had it with rum for years.

[Andrew]

I think it's.

[Craig]

I mean, I'm. You could just put whatever. I wouldn't put vodka in a nog.

[Andrew]

No. I would not put distilled spirits such as brandy. Rum, whiskey or bourbon is often. Okay, okay.

[Craig]

So you can.

[Andrew]

You can do any of them. But.

[Craig]

And this is with like grocery store nog. Like, I, you know.

[Andrew]

Yeah, yeah. You just get the cardboard. I did learn this year that the French. Do you know. Do you know about this, what they call eggnog in French?

[Craig]

No.

[Andrew]

Can I just. I'm just going to send you a picture and you can do some on the fly translate.

[Craig]

Okay, great. Yep. Of course. I'm waiting for it right now.

[Andrew]

Going into the slack right now. It's uploading.

[Craig]

Milk. Milk to egg.

[Andrew]

Is that what it's like chicken milk? It's like chicken milk, Basically.

[Craig]

Yeah. Milk. Do chicken. I guess. That's fucked up. That's also like French. If you're eating a potato. It's palm de terre. It's apple of the earth. It's one of the. It's the fruit of the earth, which is. Just makes it sound dirtier than it is. Not fair to potatoes.

[Andrew]

So Twilight drinks his chicken milk.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

And then the next chapter, he sucks it all down. And then the whole. The whole rest of the goddamn book. You have to put up with them constantly wink, wink, nudge, nudge, talking about eggnog to each other. One of the chat. One of the late chapter titles is Soon I will give her the eggnog she loves so much. Apart from not liking this font where they.

[Craig]

Oh, it's bad.

[Andrew]

Where they combine the H and the E. They share the same.

[Craig]

No, right.

[Andrew]

The right line of the H is the left part of the E. I don't like it.

[Craig]

He's a demigod. His mom is Hell of the underworld. They walk around comparing notes about Christmas and the solstice. And then he puts food all over her butt and reads smut to her. They.

[Andrew]

Well, and then.

[Craig]

And then.

[Andrew]

And she can't. She can't drop the balls out of her and she can't drop the cookies off of her butt. Even though he's like reading her monster smut and playing with her. He's allowed to come. She's not allowed to come until he.

[Craig]

Says he's using his Spider man tongue to his Mr. Fantastic tongue to turn the pages in the book to eat the cookies to make her jiggle. He's. At one point she remarks that it might not be sanitary.

[Andrew]

Yeah. And then he blasts come all over her butt and soaks all the cookies and is like, hey, girl, time to eat some cookies.

[Craig]

That's a book. I can't believe it. And this is all interrupted or followed by a Klaus zombie revenant attack.

[Andrew]

I like there's this. And listen, we could talk about all the stuff that's up with Krampus. I feel like Twyla also. Her body also responds to things and.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

Strange way, like, they're just always talking about the cream that's dripping from between her legs.

[Craig]

Yep.

[Andrew]

And like, the way that they describe it sometimes makes her. Do you remember on Family Double Dare where they did that?

[Craig]

That.

[Andrew]

That course that was like.

[Craig]

It had.

[Andrew]

It was the nose and you had to reach up into the nose and dig around in all the slime and find the flag so you and your family could get like a boo box or whatever. Like, Twyla is a Nickelodeon family double tear obstacle course. Because she's just like gushing cream everywhere.

[Craig]

God.

[Andrew]

Holiday creamy vanilla. Do not all over the place.

[Craig]

Oh, my God. Do not let Mark Summers read this book. He would not. He would not have a good time.

[Andrew]

He.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

He wouldn't want. He wouldn't want to unwrap this one.

[Craig]

Read this book.

[Andrew]

Remember how we. Remember how he did that candy show Unwrapped?

[Craig]

Yeah. Read this book.

[Andrew]

Basically how it's made. But for candy.

[Craig]

Give your family a chance to win a Sega Master System.

[Andrew]

You think there was a eggnog episode of Unwrapped?

[Craig]

I bet there's an Alton Brown. I bet there's a Good Eats.

[Andrew]

Yeah. What does Elton Brown have to say about.

[Craig]

I bet Krampus would say Good Eats.

[Andrew]

Is Good Eats. So he does have an eggnog recipe and an Aged eggnog recipe.

[Craig]

Well, how old is Krampus?

[Andrew]

I mean it depends on who you're talking to. Scholars disagree on how old Krampus is.

[Craig]

Worth bringing up the Klaus zombie revenant attack where they are his, his monsters are attacking Krampus Haven and killing demons and there are elves or something, I don't know. And a little Klaus spy tricks Twyla into running into the woods and Klaus gives her the blue pill snow globe and is like, listen, at the end at dawn Christmas Day, Krampus will become an evil monster again. And I guess we have pieced together.

[Andrew]

From little bits and pieces that are dripped all over the book that are drizzled all that. The book is just drizzled all over with that. There's. Yeah, there's some kind of like weird curse that is, that is a time based curse that's coming back around now. But like it's not clear in the context of the scene where any of this like time pressure or anything is coming from or why he hasn't been a demon this whole time.

[Craig]

Well, and he, Klaus might be lying. Like that's, that's an open question here. But he says to her that if, if you use this snow globe then you will each forget each other. And then for some reason I can rebargain my deal with him which would allow him to not become evil Klaus or evil Krampus or something.

[Andrew]

Yeah, all he has to do is agree for another like century. He just said they have to reach a tentative agreement on their, on their contract together. I guess that's why like because they're still covered by, under the terms of the previous contract. I don't know.

[Craig]

Yeah. So Twilight's like, okay, maybe I think they bone again. And then there's a Krampus ball where he reveals that he wants to. Sorry, not that ball. Krampus throws a party. Where he tries to, you know, he announces that she is her queen and she immediately smashes the snow globe and.

[Andrew]

She takes a snow globe and yeah, she's gone.

[Craig]

And so she wakes up. Krampus is upset, of course. He feels like he's lost, he's gonna go back to Klaus. And she wakes up and her flex phone is ringing and she's being assigned to the Christmas World ball. It's unclear if she did publish that article on Krampus World or not.

[Andrew]

It's not clear because she hasn't, she hasn't been in the world in like almost a month at this point. Right. Or at least a couple.

[Craig]

I Don't know. And I don't know if this. There's at least wind back.

[Andrew]

There's at least the two week time jump.

[Craig]

Okay.

[Andrew]

That we have to deal with. But yeah, I'm not sure when she is waking up, so.

[Craig]

But she doesn't remember anything. She goes to Christmas World, which I guess is just Krampus World.

[Andrew]

It's under new management. Somebody bought it recently.

[Craig]

That's right. You're right.

[Andrew]

And then it turns out that Mephisto was the one who bought it.

[Craig]

Okay.

[Andrew]

And I don't know why Klaus allowed this to happen or Christmas World is affiliated with Klaus.

[Craig]

I don't know. And so Mephisto Fisto shows her a back room that leads her into a world with Krampus's mom, who is like, only you can save my son, I.

[Andrew]

Guess, for some reason.

[Craig]

And like, shows her the memories in a snow globe.

[Andrew]

And then it is as though the memories are back in her head.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

Like there. There is one reference to him seeing Twyla after the snow globe and she is like, not his Twyla because her like, eyes don't shine the same way looking at him. But then in like the very next scene, it's just. It's like nothing ever happened. And they both just. They're both just freely referencing.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

Specific events that happened before the snow globe breaking. That just makes it seem like this one was a dude.

[Craig]

So then there's a, like a soul bond showdown with Klaus where she summons Krampus, which brings Klaus with him because of the soul tether. Cool trick.

[Andrew]

And she like grabs a snow globe out of Klaus's.

[Craig]

Krampus's chest, I think.

[Andrew]

Krampus's chest?

[Craig]

I thought it was out of Krampus's chest.

[Andrew]

Well, there's a snow globe that comes from somebody's chest that shows the. The tragic backstory, the Jokerification of St. Nick.

[Craig]

He did get jokeified where he.

[Andrew]

He's just a kid who loves Christmas. He's. He's the kind of the opposite of Twyla and he's. He loves Christmas. He loves when people are good. But then he. He starts wanting it for the wrong reasons. And then that leads him to become a tyrannical sort of demon imprisoner who. Who works with the undead to maintain his power, I guess.

[Craig]

Yep. Yep.

[Andrew]

But then like, Twyla breaks that and then Klaus is like, hahaha, you'll never defeat me. I'm a God. And then she's like, well, Krampus is a God too. And then Krampus kills Santa. Right.

[Craig]

It's kind of.

[Andrew]

I think, in this book, my understanding of events is that Krampus kills Santa and then Santa is dead.

[Craig]

Okay, you're right.

[Andrew]

Mephisto running the holiday of Christmas and the entity that is Christmas World as a kind of, like, independently operated subsidiary of the Krampus empire.

[Craig]

You're right. The snow globe was in Klaus's chest. Okay, okay, that makes more sense. But no, yeah, he. Something about the way they smash Klaus's snow globe, which reveals the soul tether. Krampus is, like, minutes away from going, you know, full evil hulk or something.

[Andrew]

And then he picks up the soul tether and, like, tears it apart.

[Craig]

But, yeah, Twyla runs to him through the maelstrom of ice that Klaus has summoned. And because she's trying to kill herself to get to Krampus, he has the. You know, his heart grew three sizes and he can snap.

[Andrew]

You know what else grew three sizes?

[Craig]

It was already pretty big. And he can snap.

[Andrew]

Giant monster dog.

[Craig]

The soul tether. And then the book doesn't talk about Klaus anymore because he died. Because he's dead.

[Andrew]

Santa's dead.

[Craig]

They did kill Santa. But she's also dying, Andrew.

[Andrew]

Now she. Yeah, she dies. But not for real.

[Craig]

But not for real. They go to kind of the. The waiting room to the afterlife where.

[Andrew]

Hell is Krampus's mom. Not hell, the place where Santa went to get Krampus's soul tether, but Hell with one L, the Norse God of death or whatever.

[Craig]

And she's like, you can keep dying. Cool. Good for you.

[Andrew]

Yeah. She gets three choices.

[Craig]

You can, you know, and keep dying.

[Andrew]

Keep dying. It's. Each one of the first two choices is made to sound good. Like, you can keep dying and you go to sick afterlife place and everybody will love you and you have a great time.

[Craig]

You can go back to your regular media job and you will find someone who loves you and you will have a long, fulfilling life.

[Andrew]

Yeah. Long, pretty good feeling. Regular moral life. Yep.

[Craig]

Which is something that she didn't think she was ever. Like, she wasn't gonna find love. Like, you know, whatever. Or you can be. You can bind your soul to Krampus.

[Andrew]

Huh.

[Craig]

You will be human, but you will be immortal.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Craig]

Which has all sorts of implications.

[Andrew]

It's mostly just like, you can still get sick and get hurt and stuff.

[Craig]

But you won't die.

[Andrew]

It sounds okay to me as a form of immature immortality. Like, I would not. Like, I don't want to live, like a million years.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

Still periodically getting those, like, Weird, like painful. Like little spots in your nose that don't go away and they hurt really bad. You know the ones I'm talking about. Yeah, but then you get those for the whole rest of your immortal life.

[Craig]

Yeah, she's still gonna get a trade off. You might do. You know, a random pimple on her nose. It's gonna hurt and be annoying. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna get. Bunions, maybe.

[Andrew]

I don't. I don't know what the nutritional effects of partaking of too much eggnog are, but.

[Craig]

Good point.

[Andrew]

It cannot possibly supply all of the nutrients that a person needs.

[Craig]

But she says to herself, yes, Krampus kidnapped me, but I abandoned him. It was my loss I felt in that great hall after I shook the snow globe, not just his. So yes, this Christmas monster did spike my drink, but I owe him my immortal soul.

[Andrew]

I did. You know, it was. It was unkind of me to run away from him after he. After he went to all the trouble to do that to me.

[Craig]

Yeah. So she chooses the third option, the most interesting narrative option. If this were an rpg, I think.

[Andrew]

And it's like, the downside is like, you just like Krampus and all the other demons in Krampus Haven, get to use you as, like you're a battery. Battery for the rest of the Matrix.

[Craig]

And they consummate their immortal marriage. His tongue is going incredibly far inside of her.

[Andrew]

It's everywhere. Like it can split off.

[Craig]

I don't like it.

[Andrew]

The part of this last sex scene where they finally have PNV sex for the first time in the book is.

[Craig]

It's some body horror stuff.

[Andrew]

It's some real body horror stuff. Like the part that was the scariest. With a deep chuckle, I rise until I'm hovering over her. She tilts her head adorably before scanning me, curious as a naughty little cat. I smile toothily, then unleash my fur. Narrow ribbons of fur from my pelvis and legs that latch onto her legs like soft sucking tentacles.

[Craig]

Oh yeah?

[Andrew]

Well, deck my fucking hall. She curses so eagerly, all dirty, sexy heat. Are you ready for me to stuff your stocking Care? How do you. How do you pronounce care? I tease while my pouch quivers, prepare to free my raging member. My wants you, Twyla. When I open my pouch, groaning from my dick falling out and thudding onto her belly to drip pre cum onto her skin, Twyla parts her lips, gazing at it in awe.

[Craig]

I don't like that Krampus doesn't have a Norse Word for precom. Why does he say why? Doesn't he have a near? Why doesn't he have a cool word for it?

[Andrew]

I just, like, the Krampus is flopping his dick around like a trash bag filled with jello. Like, it's also falling out when.

[Craig]

When they say, well, deck my fucking halls. I had fucking halls. I had a moment. Was just like, oh, my God, I'm glad these people found each other because can you be. Imagine being newly immortal and realizing that you have to have sex with someone every day for the rest of eternity, where you always have to use, like, Christmas puns in your exclamations during sex.

[Andrew]

It's like, there's some that have, like, mistletoe in them too.

[Craig]

Every day can't be Christmas. This is like, the whole thing.

[Andrew]

No, it can be when you're. When you're soul bound to Krampus.

[Craig]

But no, his. His boner so big, it breaks the bones in her body. It's like, worse.

[Andrew]

There's like a. There's a snap. And she's like, was that my pelvis? And he was like, yeah, don't worry, because he's using. He's like using his Krampus magic to make it feel good that her bones broke.

[Craig]

Yeah, it's like morphine, basically. And so she can only feel the good parts of it.

[Andrew]

There's a lot of stuff in here about how he's, like, reaching all the way up into her womb and don't like it. Like, how good that feels. And I can't imag imagine that in real life that would feel. Don't like that would be physically possible or feel good.

[Craig]

And then they're stuck there for hours because her body is broken and his.

[Andrew]

Dong is so long.

[Craig]

What does she mean? What do they mean when she asks him, do you have a knot? And he says, I don't.

[Andrew]

Yeah, I don't know. And then he talks later about his, like, not fading or whatever.

[Craig]

And then he says he doesn't know what it means. And she says, quote, regardless of what might happen or how our child might look. And then they move on from that point and never talk about it again.

[Andrew]

This is just all about how to tie up your penis.

[Craig]

Yeah. But then his knot. Oh, the ball.

[Andrew]

The bulbous glandis, Craig, also called a bulb or a knot. I think this is this. I think there's another pouch, that thing. An erectile tissue structure on the penis of canid mammals. During mating, immediately before ejaculation, the tissue swell up to lock the male's Penis inside the female. Okay. So it's a penis fly. A penis fly trap. It's a penis finger trap.

[Craig]

Oh, my God.

[Andrew]

So she can't come out.

[Craig]

Krampus.

[Andrew]

And I guess probably if you read monster smut, this is like a thing you're like, I'm looking for. Okay, I really. Okay, okay, okay.

[Craig]

Wow.

[Andrew]

I really could have used.

[Craig]

Okay, see, this is two people with.

[Andrew]

Subject matter expertise talking about things using, like, the. The terminology that people in the field would be familiar with, but that does not help me as a layperson understand what's going on.

[Craig]

You know who else?

[Andrew]

Glad you reminded me that that happened because I didn't look it up at the time because my brain was just dealing with so many other, you know.

[Craig]

Who else is a layperson? But yeah, so she ponders.

[Andrew]

Oh, and also his penis lights up like a. Like, it lights up.

[Craig]

She can see it through her skin. Yeah, it's really cool and awful.

[Andrew]

Human fleshlight. God.

[Craig]

So they do that. And then she ponders children, but never again talks about it. And then there's an epilogue.

[Andrew]

I don't know why the knot thing would bring up children, but I don't know why anything in this book brings up anything.

[Craig]

And then they have a little epilogue where he takes her out into the woods and shows her a Charlie Brown Christmas tree nativity scene.

[Andrew]

Yeah, let's all take a minute, take a breath between ejaculations to remember the reason for the season, truly.

[Craig]

And it's like a gift to her because she never got to have a real Christmas, but she carries the light of Christmas in her heart. And here is a little nativity scene. This was the thing that I had to like. She. She does not describe what they're looking.

[Andrew]

At until, like, right at the end.

[Craig]

Until after they're talking about the baby Jesus. And I'm like, did. Which is a problem because I'm still thinking about Krampus babies. And I'm like, I am not prepared for a book that is talking about Jesus being a Krampus baby. And then it gets like, oh, and then there was a manger.

[Andrew]

And it's like, yeah, I was starting to get to it to a point with this. And this happens periodically in these Christmas smut books where, like, maybe Santa is real or maybe he isn't, but what we're not gonna do under any circumstances is mention that Christmas is primarily a religious holiday about.

[Craig]

And this book does.

[Andrew]

About observing the birth of Jesus Christ, our Lord and savior.

[Craig]

And. And Krampus has, like, a little beat where he's like. Well maybe this little baby with his brown chubby cheek, you know, wanted to heal the world and turn water into wine for people and maybe come into eggnog.

[Andrew]

Maybe that was one of the miracles. They don't. They cut out. I think that was in the Dead Sea Scrolls.

[Craig]

Maybe the Dead Semen Scrolls.

[Andrew]

Maybe the Dead Sea Word Scrolls.

[Craig]

And maybe that's what we're all here for. Maybe this little. Maybe this little boy knows what's up. And it clearly makes my Twilight happy. And there we go. And that's the book.

[Andrew]

That's the book. Oh fuck me boneless. This is the. It was a good. I think it's a good favorite show. I think there have been sexy books we've read that have more character work.

[Craig]

Huh.

[Andrew]

That I like. Like I don't think.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

That Krampus or Twyla is like built super well as a character. I mean we know a lot about sort of their physiology.

[Craig]

But Krampus is built. But no.

[Andrew]

I know Things are just. Things are just revealed to you in such a weird out of order way that you're always kind of. I'm always kind of feeling off center with this. I'm always. The book's always setting me back on my heels in some way that's not pleasant.

[Craig]

I have some Goodreads reviews for you Andrew. People did read this book and they did go to the Internet like us to register their experience so that other people might know like a. Like a warning about buried nuclear material. Like you need to know what is in here.

[Andrew]

All right.

[Craig]

They. They do in fact have three stars.

[Andrew]

Three star Goodreads review.

[Craig]

Now Naheezy says we just one phrase. We listen and we don't judge. Crying emoji. Three stars. I tried to. That. I don't think that's a thing. That is a quote from the book.

[Andrew]

I am no and I'm one of our friends who I shared a little bit of information about this book.

[Craig]

Uh huh.

[Andrew]

With says that her favorite part of our Horny Days episodes. My favorite part is always you guys trying not to offend people who are into Krampus porn. I don't like I be sure. Yeah. She can't have invented the whole field of monster smut for this. Like I. I imagine it to be some kind of.

[Craig]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

Offshoot of. Of like furry stuff which is something that I don't understand myself. But I am happy for people to.

[Craig]

Experience together when we are sometimes laughing and. And dunking or. Or even just being like what is going on. I recognize that that is sometimes part of the point. Right, like, and we've encountered that before where like the silliness at times is part of the point.

[Andrew]

Yeah, it's part of the point. And like, for this, for this particular one though, I do need people to meet us halfway. And like, as soon as you're done jerking off, I do need you to admit to me that it is the goofiest shit on the face of the planet Earth. Like, this all is objectively extremely goofy.

[Craig]

Well, yeah. And the author's note, like, she.

[Andrew]

And it's fine. It's fine if it turns it turns you on, but it is objectively wild stuff.

[Craig]

She likes kind of leans in that this is like a very like moving experience to create this book for her. There's like a tarot card sequence that she claims she kind of like drew out of the deck herself. As she was.

[Andrew]

Yeah, she drew the deck and then she wrote the book around it and.

[Craig]

Like it really moved her especially. That's like, you know, a lot of the stuff about Twyla's past trauma is similar to what she says is her story. So like, you know, that's okay.

[Andrew]

I just don't think you can write a book where Krampus is hung and his cum tastes like eggnog where you're not trying to make people laugh.

[Craig]

Yeah, no, I think she does. That's why I wanted to read that thing about the pumpkin spice. Like she gets it. It's not. It's not a headless horseman. You know what I mean? Natalie, the biblioholic on Goodreads says, I enjoyed the premise of this book and that the monster didn't magically become a gorgeous male upon finding his true love or being cured of his curse. I thought that's where this book was going and I'm kind of. Yes, I am glad it did not do that. I'm glad it did something else instead. I didn't like the characters. Natalie says something about both of them prevented me from connecting with them or caring about them. Their relationship was absolutely filthy. So that's something if you enjoy that sort of thing. Like I seem to pick this up and try it for yourself. Yes, I was really missing any sort of what the rest of her world was or is. I just feel like that is the under baked part of this book.

[Andrew]

It was me. Yeah.

[Craig]

And I was for balance the Klaus stuff with like her a little bit more about her family or something.

[Andrew]

Or something. Like you get one bit where her like mom calls her trying to like lure her back to the cult. And she's like, well, I'm not interested that. Yeah, but like, from the. From how much sex was at the beginning of the book, I was assuming this was gonna be a little more like that lesbian Santa book we read where it was gonna drop a little bit of lore, but it was gonna be so preoccupied with every single scene turning into fucking that we did not get to explore much of it. And then this book does want to explore all of its lore and spend a lot of time out of the bedroom, but it's just not quite connected, not quite doing what it wants to be doing or just like, I feel like it could be restructured a little bit so that you get a little more foreplay, so to speak, before you get right into the sex. And then things are just, like, blended.

[Craig]

A little bit more evenly. Indy Hannah Jones on Goodreads says, that's a good name.

[Andrew]

That's a good name.

[Craig]

Let's all be honest about why exactly we're here. Before we start applying two persnickadevia OLMs on this book, I will start by saying certain scenes of this book live rent free in my head now and like to pop up much like a Krampus dick from its pouch in my. Overall, I had fun while reading this. And isn't that what it's all about? Fun and the holiday spirit? Did I have a few problems with the consent at the beginning of the book? Yes. I feel like the sleeping scene should have happened later in the book when they had more of a relationship. Not a bad note. She found Twilight annoying. Liked Krampus, quote. Overall, I think this book would have benefited from being a lot longer or a lot shorter. And I think that is a little. I don't know that I prefer either direction, but to what you just said, Andrew, I think, like, there's not enough before the sex starts happening, and then there's a lot of stuff after the sex has been happening.

[Andrew]

Yes.

[Craig]

And it just feels uneven and it. But there's also a lot of sex early in the book that is, like, uninterrupted and is begging questions left and right and, like, giving me nothing on that front. And it's just the tongue, the tongue, the tongue, the tongue, the tongue. And.

[Andrew]

And I imagine, you know, you spend the first third of the book jerking off.

[Craig]

Yeah, I imagine.

[Andrew]

And then you get to the part where Santa and his elves and these undead revenant creatures invade the village and you're like, am I supposed. I'm still supposed to be.

[Craig]

Is this supposed to be Working too.

[Andrew]

Am I. Am I meant to be jerking off still? Or am I. Should I take a break?

[Craig]

Am I on the naughty list? Yeah. But no. You know, in as much as I read this book to talk about on the show, I had a fun time.

[Andrew]

Yeah, I had fun. It did raise a lot of questions. Possibilities and a lot of questions also.

[Craig]

I guess Santa Claus is dead now.

[Andrew]

Santa is dead. Krampus and eggnog is all. Krampus come.

[Craig]

But we canonically does. I don't think Krampus has a pr. I guess he married an immortal Mephisto.

[Andrew]

I thought was his PR person for well.

[Craig]

But now he has a media maven wife forever. So I guess they can handle the fallout of Claus dying.

[Andrew]

They have kind of a Zuckerberg and whatever Mark Zuckerberg's wife's name is. What's her name?

[Craig]

I guess they do where they just like spend.

[Andrew]

Where they spend all their money like building like statues of themselves.

[Craig]

Neat. Okay, Priscilla.

[Andrew]

Priscilla chan.

[Craig]

Okay. Okay.

[Andrew]

They just like build their little compound in California and buy islands and what if camp.

[Craig]

What if Krampus tasted like sweet baby rays?

[Andrew]

Sauce is the boss.

[Craig]

Thanks, everybody.

[Andrew]

A lot of people find sweet baby rays too sweet. It depends on what kind of sweet baby rays you're talking.

[Craig]

That's true. I.

[Andrew]

If that would be tough if your monster had barbecue sauce come. I think you would get into a lot of arguments about like the different styles of barbecue and which kind is better.

[Craig]

Is it a Memphis monster? Yeah.

[Andrew]

Is it? What kind of heat. What kind of heat level are we working?

[Craig]

Yeah, that's. That's another question. Go on hot ones. Will your monster go on hot ones?

[Andrew]

I. Krampus does need to go on hot ones.

[Craig]

Krampus go on hot ones.

[Andrew]

Krampus go on hot ones. And then Krampus be like, now I have something for you to eat.

[Craig]

Karen.

[Andrew]

I know. I don't. I know my Ste. We don't. You don't normally let people bring stuff for you to eat. But I'm gonna. I'm gonna bring this hot sauce something.

[Craig]

This hot sauce is really wrecking my world.

[Andrew]

I brought a chaser for the hot sauce.

[Craig]

My God. Okay, Andrew, thanks for reading this book with me. Merry Christmas. I guess.

[Andrew]

You're welcome.

[Craig]

Merry Christmas, everyone. At home.

[Andrew]

You can my jingly balls. Merry Christmas, everybody. Send God us everyone.

[Craig]

Oh, when. When Krampus says, oh, hell no. But he spells it like his mom's name that. Come on, dude. That's corny as hell.

[Andrew]

That broke it for you.

[Craig]

That's corny as hell. Send us your eggnog recipes. Overdue pot gmail.com if you're Krampus, don't send it. We know what it is. You can find us on social media at Overdue Pod thanks to Nick Laurentis who composed our theme music. Andrew. If folks want to know more about.

[Andrew]

Our show where they go overdue podcast.com is the Internet website you can sort of enjoy just a big wet stream of all of our old episodes up on that website. And you can also read the schedule for the month, the month to come, like Krampus. Then patreon.com overduepod's our Patreon page. You can give us money for this, for what we just did. You can choose to give us money.

[Craig]

For what we just did, for what.

[Andrew]

We fight what we've done, for the kind of content that we just made. You could say those guys deserve money. And you go to patreon.com and give it to us and then you get a bonus episodes in our in our Discord community and our newsletter and you can just kind of jam all that content up inside of yourself and enjoy it. Patreon.com/overdue Pod Next week, change your pace.

[Craig]

Wholesome episode still holiday season esque in the sense that it is gift inspired.

[Andrew]

Sometimes you read a book that is wholesome and sometimes you read a book with some holes.

[Craig]

We're going to be talking about two American girl books. We're going to talk about the American girl dolls. Meet Samantha and meet Addie. So join us for a special, another holiday special and then we'll we'll see you in January after that. If you're listening to this, you know around when it comes out, you'll probably be able to if you [e-mail] overdue pod Join us for a fun holiday livestream. You could go and get in on the silly Marillion and get our bonus episode on the Hobbit right away. And we've got all sorts of other stuff in there for you to peruse as Andrew talked about. So yeah, Krampus and his gifts and his gigantic gift. What do you think Mephisto thinks about all this? I really needed like a Mephisto.

[Andrew]

I feel like Mephisto probably got ahead for numbers. He doesn't mind what the boss is getting up to as long as he kind of of gets to do what he wants on the business side is.

[Craig]

You think he's mephisting?

[Andrew]

I don't know if he's mephisting anybody but that would be pretty easy. A pretty easy pun to make.

[Craig]

Yeah, it would.

[Andrew]

Think maybe, like, Krampus and Mephisto used to hook up, but then the kind of spark died, but they still kind of respect each other professionally. That's. That's the vibe that I get from.

[Craig]

We're both gonna be here forever. Like, let's not make it weird.

[Andrew]

Yeah, don't make it weird. All right, everybody, I don't see how this is possible, but until we talk to you next week, please try to be happy. That was a Headgum podcast.

[Craig]

Hi, I'm Nicole Byer. Hi, I'm Sasheer Zamada. And this is the podcast Best Friends. And we're here at Headgum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk? Yeah, we're best friends. We talk, and then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries.

[Andrew]

So audience members can ask questions about friendships, and we can answer them to.

[Craig]

The best of our abilities. Yes, we are professional friends. We are professional friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple.

[Andrew]

Podcasts, Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast.

[Craig]

Podcast and watch videos on YouTube.

[Andrew]

New episodes drop every Wednesday.

[Craig]

That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing. You were? I'm really sorry. I was so. Okay. I was trying to be supportive.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Craig]

But I was like, I don't know. Reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot. I think. You did good. Thank you so much. You're welcome.