Podcast Summary: "A Content Carol with Miserable Pablo Torre"

Pablo Torre Finds Out — Le Batard & Friends Network
Air Date: December 24, 2024
Host: Pablo Torre
Guests: Ryan Cortez, Charlotte Wilder, Violet Torre

Main Theme & Purpose

This holiday episode is a riotous "talkumentary" that playfully interrogates the meaning of Christmas—through the lens of content obsession, reality TV, and holiday music. Host Pablo Torre is mocked for his relentless drive to make "content", and his colleagues intervene to offer alternative perspectives on what makes Christmas meaningful. The episode swerves from a satirical Christmas poem into a whirlwind of reality TV recommendations, music debates, childhood anecdotes, and, ultimately, a tender moment with Pablo’s three-year-old daughter, Violet, about what Christmas means to her.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening: A Christmas Carol Parody & Pablo’s Existential Content Crisis

• The episode launches with a rhyming, satirical "’Twas the Night Before Christmas"-inspired poem (03:20), lampooning Pablo’s anxiety about producing content:
  • "He knows time's running out and he's got to get moving. Because if you're not making more show, then what are you even doing?" [02:18]
• Pablo laments: "I've been nosed to the podcast grindstone to the extent that people around this office are concerned that I don't understand the meaning of Christmas." [04:06]

2. Ryan Cortez’s Guide to Christmas: Reality TV Edition

• Ryan Cortez arrives to proselytize about his true Christmas tradition: marathon reality television [04:42].
• Pablo admits he’s a reality TV novice, save for his wife’s "guilty pleasure"—The Real Housewives [05:17].
• Cortez, resisting rules, unveils his “Oli” list (“on the outside looking in”) of reality TV, followed by a flexible Top 5 [06:11].

Cortez's Reality TV "Oli" List (Outside Looking In)

• Summer House/Winter House – Seasonal variations, but all about cohabitation chaos [06:34].
• Love Is Blind – "I don't give a s--- if they like each other. I'm interested in chaos." [08:10]
• Selling Sunset – Noted for the so-called “short kings” and luxury real estate drama [08:48].
• Indian Matchmaking – "She'll like, look at your face and be like, nah, he's a liar." [09:22]

Cortez’s Actual Top 5 Reality Shows for the Holidays

1. Love After Lockup/Life After Lockup – Romance and tension for those just out of prison.
   • "Sometimes they go back to jail, sometimes they go on the run. The show is like R-rated. So good." [10:51]
2. The Real Housewives (esp. Salt Lake City & Potomac) – "Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is exceptional because like, one of the cast members...goes to jail for defrauding the elderly." [11:25]
3. Below Deck (all franchises) – "You see people really working. You see tips from the guests, you see the guests getting drunk and falling down. The show is phenomenal." [13:53]
4. 90 Day Fiance –
   • Pablo: "I've tried to go all of 2024 without knowing what 'Scandoval' is."
   • Cortez: "It’s the most famous cheating scandal of all time, ok?" [19:03]
   • Features now-iconic moments: Big Ed & mayonnaise, Paul’s pee-pee protection for river swimming [15:36–17:15].
5. Vanderpump Rules –
   • "What a great show. It's in season 11. Okay. Season 11 kicks off January 30th. You have time to catch up." [18:10]
   • The "Scandoval" cheating scandal is dissected.

3. Charlotte Wilder’s Holiday Rescue: Music Lists & Christmas Reflections

Charlotte enters to mock Cortez's reality TV dominance and rebalance the (supposedly) Christmas episode with music and childhood memories.

• She offers two top-5 lists:
  • (i) "Songs that aren’t Christmas songs but have the behavior of Christmas songs”
  • (ii) "Actual" Christmas songs.

Charlotte’s Song Lists

Not-Christmas, but Kinda Christmas Songs

1. “So Much Wine” – Phoebe Bridgers – "Even sadder song. Even more beautiful song." [30:06]
2. “Day After Tomorrow” – Phoebe Bridgers (Tom Waits cover) [29:04]
3. “Tis the Damn Season” – Taylor Swift
   • "It’s about returning to your hometown at the holidays, with old flames and regrets." [28:02]
4. “Wintering” – The 1975 [27:31]
5. “New York, New York” – Frank Sinatra
   • "Christmas is... a steakhouse with a low ceiling and a lot of leather..." [26:59–27:13]

Official (Christmas) Songs

1. All I Want For Christmas Is You – Mariah Carey
   • “Some things are popular for a reason, like this song and Taylor Swift.” [34:28]
2. Fairytale of New York – The Pogues
   • Both Pablo and Charlotte reflect on Shane McGowan’s funeral and the classic’s emotional punch [33:27–33:39].
3. Fairytale of Philadelphia – The Kelsey Brothers
   • "Jason Kelsey did a Christmas album with the Eagles." [33:02]
4. Santa Claus Is Coming to Town – Bruce Springsteen version [32:28]
5. Rocking Around the Christmas Tree [31:16]

• Honorable Mention: Santa Tell Me – Ariana Grande [32:08]

4. Debate, Banter, and Joyful Mockery

• Cortez declares: "Taylor Swift. Overrated. Just throwing that out there." [28:32]
• Pablo confuses Mariah Carey hits, belting out “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” instead of “All I Want for Christmas Is You” [35:07].
• The trio sings, jokes about rights-free Christmas tunes, and marvel at Greg Cote’s surprisingly good holiday song rendition [35:57–36:42].
• The group pokes fun at Michael Buble ("Michael Bubble") and riffs on the absurdity of both musical and TV holiday traditions [42:02–42:10].

5. The Meaning of Christmas – According to Pablo, Charlotte, Cortez, and Violet

• Poignant reflection:
  • "Christmas is a social holiday. What does this mean? It means that it is up to the people around us to tell us what it means to them or to show us... it's a sanctioned opportunity to enjoy other people enjoying something." [38:06]
• Charlotte and Cortez recount their personal family Christmas experiences—navigating mixed religious backgrounds or early skepticism [23:17–24:56].
• With Violet (age 3), Pablo closes:
  • Pablo: "What is the meaning of Christmas?"
  • Violet: "It's a holiday… and garlands and wreaths… and stockings. Jingle bells, jingle bells…" [39:24–40:23]
  • A heart-melting impromptu duet.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Pablo, on Christmas pressure:
  • "If you're not making more show, then what are you even doing?" [04:18]
• Cortez, on Love is Blind:
  • "I don't give a s--- if they like each other. I'm interested in chaos." [08:10]
• Charlotte, on Christmas music:
  • "Christmas is… a steakhouse with, like, a low ceiling and a lot of leather, and that feels like Christmas to me." [27:13]
• Cortez, declaring TV gospel:
  • "The true meaning of Christmas is that a dude without a neck, who puts mayonnaise in his hair, who got into a legal quote unquote relationship with a woman from the Philippines [is] the star in the north that I should be following." [20:20]
• Violet Torre, age 3, defining Christmas:
  • "It's a holiday... and garlands and wreaths... and stockings... Jingle bells..." [39:36–40:23]
• Pablo, with insight:
  • "Other people are what make this time of year so beautiful. And also... it makes it so tough as well, because it is a social holiday about enjoying other people enjoying the holiday." [38:38]

Noteworthy Timestamps

• 03:20 — Satirical Christmas Carol intro
• 04:42 — Cortez introduces his reality TV guide to Christmas
• 11:25 — Real Housewives + fraud/scandal breakdown
• 14:35 — 90 Day Fiance: Big Ed & mayonnaise
• 18:44 — Vanderpump Rules "Scandoval" explained
• 23:17 — Charlotte discusses her multi-religious family & Christmas
• 26:06 — Charlotte’s "not-Christmas Christmas songs" list
• 31:16 — Proper Christmas songs, singing "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree"
• 34:03 — Consensus: “All I Want for Christmas Is You” is #1
• 35:57 — Greg Cote’s improvised rights-free Christmas song
• 38:06–38:38 — Pablo’s philosophical Christmas reflection
• 39:24–40:23 — Violet’s adorable Christmas explanation and "Jingle Bells" performance

Recap & Takeaways

This episode is a delightfully chaotic, irreverent, and unexpectedly sweet take on the holiday special—subverting the classic "Christmas Carol" by examining the season through the digital age’s content lens, the peculiar joys of reality TV, modern Christmas music, and deeply personal reflections. The meaning of the season isn't found in the best playlist or most dramatic TV moment, but in "enjoying other people enjoying something." Ultimately, it’s Violet’s innocent take—trees, garlands, wreaths, and singing—that shines as the purest distillation of holiday spirit.

Merry Christmas, indeed—no matter how you define it.