Pablo Torre Finds Out: "A Content Carol with Miserable Pablo Torre"
Podcast: Pablo Torre Finds Out – Le Batard & Friends
Date: December 22, 2023
Host: Pablo Torre
Guests: Ryan Cortez, Charlotte Wilder, (briefly) Pablo’s daughter Violet
Episode Theme: Exploring the “meaning of Christmas” through reality TV, holiday music, and personal traditions—with irreverence, wit, and a hefty dose of skepticism.
Episode Overview
In this holiday edition, "A Content Carol with Miserable Pablo Torre," Pablo finds himself adrift in a festively decorated studio, questioning both the meaning of Christmas and, more deeply, the hamster wheel of content creation. Joined by Ryan Cortez for a tour de force on reality TV as the true Christmas spirit, and later by Charlotte Wilder for lively holiday music rankings and personal traditions, the episode is both a sendup and celebration of seasonal nostalgia, chaos, and community.
1. Setting the Stage: Pablo’s Existential Christmas Crisis
[00:00–04:26]
- The show opens with a tongue-in-cheek, rhyming “Twas the Night Before Christmas” narration, poking at Pablo's relentless work ethic—and the pressure to always be making content.
- Key moment: “How will he make content without resorting to hot taking?” [02:08]
- Pablo admits the holiday cheer in the studio is unfamiliar: “People around this office are concerned that I don't understand the meaning of Christmas.” [04:06]
- Ryan Cortez, clad in a “Heat Culture” hoodie, is revealed as Pablo’s guide to the true meaning of the season—through reality television.
2. Ryan Cortez’s Reality TV Gospel
[04:31–21:14]
A. Reality TV as Holiday Ritual
- Ryan dismisses traditional Christmas as “stupid gingerbread houses and bull Santa Claus” ([04:44]), insisting his version of Christmas is binging reality TV across five screens at once.
- Pablo's ignorance is lampooned—he can barely name a “Real Housewives” city.
- Ryan’s mission: Get Pablo hooked on top-tier reality TV instead of “stupid Christmas.”
B. Cortez's Reality TV Power Rankings
(With quotes and highlights)
Oli (Outside Looking In)
Shows that didn’t make Ryan’s top 5, but still must-watch:
- Summer House / Winter House: “They get drunk, they hook up with each other, they fight, and they air it across like 10 episodes. It's incredible.” [06:43]
- Love is Blind: “Are you in for watching everything go haywire, which it always does? ... I'm not here for the love. I'm here for the chaos.” [08:10]
- Selling Sunset: “Short kings, bro... The show is excellent—not because of the million dollar houses, but because of the drama.” [08:49]
- Indian Matchmaking: “She just looks at faces. She never gets anything right. At the end of the season, they're like, she went 0 for 4. Season two, 0 for 5.” [09:41]
The Top 5
#5 Love After Lockup: “Sometimes they go back to jail, sometimes they go on the run. The show is like R rated. So good.” [10:51]
#4 Real Housewives (esp. Salt Lake City & Potomac): “Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is exceptional because...one of the cast members ... goes to jail for defrauding the elderly.” [11:32]
Notable theory: “There is a character that was pronounced a cheater just because of the shape of his head. Square shape—you could tell.” [11:50]
#3 Below Deck (all franchises): “Would you rather clean beds and dishes or throw lines and do physical work and clean the boat? ... You see tips from the guests, you see the guests getting drunk and falling down.” [13:33]
#2 90 Day Fiance: “Somebody from another country and you from America want to marry... in 90 days or less, and we film it and put it on television.” [14:40]
- Most memorable story: “Big Ed washes his hair with mayonnaise. He’s built like a Russian nesting doll.” [15:45–16:48]
- “Paul put a condom on because he did not want fish to swim up his pee pee in Brazil.” [16:48–17:11]
#1 Vanderpump Rules: “It's just about these people fighting and having sex with each other and cheating on each other and punching each other and getting nose jobs. There's a giant cheating scandal—Scandoval!” [18:25]
- “Tom Sandoval—dead to me, he's dead to America. You get to see it all happen in real time.” [19:08, 19:33]
C. Key Memorable Exchange
-
Pablo: “You’re telling me that the true meaning of Christmas is that a dude without a neck, who puts mayonnaise in his hair, who got into a legal quote-unquote relationship with a woman from the Philippines?” [20:20]
-
Cortez: “Of course it's legal! 90 days.” [20:38]
3. A Holiday Intervention: Charlotte Wilder Enters
[21:30–39:24]
A. Expanding the Reality TV Canon
- Charlotte bursts in, scandalized that “Selling OC” and “Perfect Match” were omitted from Ryan's list ([21:49]).
- She describes “Perfect Match” as “maximum chaos,” like a reality TV holiday all-star episode. [22:27]
B. Personal Holiday Traditions and Santa Skepticism
- Charlotte, of interfaith background, shares feeling “sort of cut out” of Christmas but loving it as she got older. [23:06–23:51]
- Cortez: “Christmas is kind of stupid...I could smell the bull...I was always asking around, and I had some older friends...and then I was going around telling people, you know, this [Santa is] not real.” [24:26]
4. Charlotte’s Holiday Song Lists—With Bonus Banter
[25:07–36:01]
A. The “Two Top Five” Song Lists
Charlotte arrives with two lists:
- “Songs that are not Christmas songs but act like Christmas songs”
- “Actual Christmas songs”
First list: Not technically Christmas, but...
- “New York, New York” – Frank Sinatra
- “Wintering” – The 1975
- “Tis a Damn Season” – Taylor Swift
- Cortez: “Taylor Swift. Overrated. Just throwing that out there.” [28:32]
- “Day After Tomorrow” – Phoebe Bridgers
- “So Much Wine” – Phoebe Bridgers
- “Even sadder song...but also more beautiful.” [30:04]
Second list: Christmas Song Christmas Songs
Oli: “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree”
5. “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” (Springsteen version)
4. “Santa Tell Me” – Ariana Grande
3. “Fairytale of Philadelphia” (Kelsey Brothers, with fierce Philly debate)
2. “Fairytale of New York” – The Pogues
- “All I Want for Christmas Is You” – Mariah Carey
- Charlotte: “That is an absolute banger.”
- Pablo: “Listening to that song does make me feel things.” [34:28]
Memorable mishap:
Pablo confuses “All I Want for Christmas Is You” with “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”—to great amusement ([35:02]).
Special mention:
“Greg Cote’s Christmas Song” (an original?)—loved by all for its drunken, irreverent lyrics ([36:01]).
5. Finding Meaning: The Social Heart of Christmas
[37:06–39:24]
Pablo reflects that the true meaning of Christmas isn’t found in ritual or content, but in communal joy:
“Christmas is a social holiday. What does this mean? It means that it is up to the people around us to tell us what it means to them or to show us...it's a sanctioned opportunity to enjoy other people enjoying something.” [37:06–38:54]
6. Through the Eyes of a Child: Violet Explains Christmas
[39:24–40:52]
Pablo’s 3-year-old daughter, Violet, shares her version of Christmas:
- “It’s a holiday.”
- Favorite parts: “The trees...and garlands. And wreaths. And stockings. Jingle bells.”
- Sings “Jingle Bells”—with added “And an extra poo poo.” [40:27]
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- Ryan Cortez: “I'm not here for the love. I'm here for the chaos.” [08:18]
- Charlotte Wilder (on Santa): “You want me to tell you what you want to hear or do you want me to tell you the truth?” [23:29]
- Pablo (about reality TV): “He’s built like a Russian nesting doll. … He has zero neck.” [16:34]
- Cortez (about Mariah Carey): “Some things are popular for a reason, like this song and Taylor Swift.” [34:28]
- Pablo (reflecting): “Other people are what make this time of year so beautiful. … because it is a social holiday about enjoying other people enjoying the holiday.” [37:06–38:54]
- Violet (age 3): “And an extra poo poo.” [40:27]
Timestamps for Key Segments
- 00:00–04:26: Pablo's existential holiday disorientation, Cortez introduced as Christmas guide
- 04:26–21:14: Ryan Cortez’s “Reality TV Christmas” canon & commentary
- 21:30–26:06: Charlotte Wilder jumps in—defending “Selling OC” and “Perfect Match”; holiday traditions
- 25:07–36:01: Charlotte’s dual holiday song lists & playful banter on music taste
- 37:06–39:24: Pablo’s reflective monologue on the social meaning of Christmas
- 39:24–40:52: Violet’s Christmas (from the mouth of babes) and “Jingle Bells” performance
Closing Notes
- The episode concludes with a group lamentation about Michael Bublé and playful digressions on haircare, shampoo schedules, and the difference between Barry Manilow, Melrose, and “Copa” vs. “Casa.”
- Pablo: “The Mariah Carey of Metalark Media, some might say. Merry Christmas to me.”
- The show ends with a heartfelt, if intentionally anticlimactic, message: the meaning of Christmas is personal—often chaotic, occasionally sentimental, and not just about the trappings, but about the people with whom we enjoy (or endure) it.
For listeners who skipped it:
Expect a festive, sprawling, and deeply unserious roundtable merging reality TV, holiday music, pop culture detours, and childhood lore—with a skeptical but warm undercurrent about belonging, joy, and the communal weirdness of the season.