← Pablo Torre Finds Out
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A
Welcome to Pablo Torre finds out. I am Pablo Torre and today we're gonna find out what this sound is.
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You suck at your job.
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A
I'm better than you. And if you listen to our show on Apple Podcasts, you can now watch video there as well. Just update to the latest iOS and head over to our show page to start watching. But for right now, just a quick word from our sponsors. The right window treatments change everything. Your sleep, your privacy, the way every
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ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.
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B
This season on the Dream. Supplies are being provided by nurses who run out in the middle of the night and purchase diapers, but the hospital is still charging as if they still have these items. We are digging into every topic we've ever wanted to cover on this show. It's a spinning plate analogy. The second that you stop spinning those plates, that crashes. So you can never stop working. The Dream Season 4 comes at you weekly.
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Starting Monday, January 20th, Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. I went to the doctor today and as I'm checking in, the receptionist goes, I'm a fan, but don't wear that in here.
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B
Wow.
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C
And I was like. I was like, oh, wow.
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B
I was like, is that where you guys are at? Where are you at in the grief cycle of being a Knicks fan?
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C
No. It's actually a weird thing now because it's reality. Because it's like, before the Knicks were just so terrible, you had no hope. So then, you know, you get into like the Coke dream of, oh my God, the Knicks are doing it this year. And then it's just like, you can no longer look at the Knicks through the lens. You used to look at where it's like, hey, they lose all the time. Now it's like, hey, are they really contenders? Then you have to put some pressure on them.
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B
Sure.
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And really treat them like a real team. And you have to come to reality because, like, I'm just like, oh, you know, they'll figure it out by the playoffs. And now it's just like, yeah, maybe
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B
not big change of course too, because New York sports fans notoriously put no pressure on their teams. So now you're having to do that,
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C
which is probably like, I have the Yankees now. So now I can on the Yankees air balling.
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A
What, what kind of, what drug is the dream that is this Yankee season? If you historically a coke dream, what is a Yankee season these days?
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The beauty of being a Yankee fan for since birth, the way I have is I, I grew up knowing it has to be the World Series and bus.
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B
Yes.
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C
And if it's not the World Series, it's a bus. So I've already gotten used to idea it's going to be a bus. I'm not expecting them to win. I'm expecting them to waste my time all season. We're going to go on a hot streak. We're going to like, lose for a couple weeks, go on another hot streak, go on the playoffs, do our thing for maybe the first two rounds, and then just choke.
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A
Great.
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C
You know, just watch Aaron Judge choke in situate. You know, he's going to have a great year, but the at bats that we see are not going to take and everyone's going to be like, he's a bum. He's the worst player ever. You know, typical Yankee stuff.
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B
God, is this Yankees fan going to make this Braves fan defend Aaron Judge a little bit? There are three former MVPs on that team. And I get it like, he's the captain, but he hit.500 in the postseason last season.
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C
But it's not good enough, this one.
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B
I'm saying, though, I feel like he's a victim of his own success. Pablo, like, you expect a home run every time the man comes up to bat, but he had seven RBI and he hit.500 last year in the bum.
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A
I like how the the face of Netflix Sports and Major League Baseball now.
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B
Yeah.
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Is trying to convince Desus that Aaron Judge is good.
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C
Actually, no, he's great. I love average. Got the jersey and everything. Hate him.
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A
Hold on. Before we do the sports stuff, I do want to explain that part of the reason I want to bring you guys together is not merely because I suspected that you guys would enjoy each other. It's also because when it comes to the jobs you both had before you got into media, I think you've both lived an interesting bunch of resumes.
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C
Yes.
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A
Desus, can you give us the capsule summary of some of the things you did before you got into what resembles
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Entertainment and media programmer for the New York Public Library. Bought and sold domain names, did encryption programming for various porn companies. I was a nightclub bouncer, manager, coat check person. What else have I done? Possible drug dealer, possible librarian.
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B
Did you sell drugs at the library? It's a great combo.
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C
No, I should. No, that was back when I was more innocent. Oh. Before I became jaded with my soul.
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B
Got you.
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C
I actually cared as a librarian. Oh. Like, I was reading the Hungry Caterpillar. The kids.
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B
Oh, that's really cute.
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C
And there's a kid in Riverdale who. He kicked the back door, and I choked him out because, you know, that's New York. And I told that story once on Twitter. Somebody was like, whoa, were you the black guy at this? And I was like, no, I'm not answering that question because you are going to sue me. Because I definitely choked you out, little boy.
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A
Elle, have you choked out anybody in your previous life?
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B
I never had to choke anybody out. Although I did have someone attack me at one of the clubs I was hosting, because I did also have a bit of a whirling dervish of jobs. I was a bartender. I washed hair for a living. I also hosted a gospel music channel show. What? I don't know any gospel music. And, yeah, radio traffic television. But I was hosting a club at a nightclub in Atlanta called the Velvet Room. Anyone from Atlanta is very familiar. And at the end of the night, I was leaving. It was my 25th birthday, and this girl wanted to fight one of my friends who was completely inebriated and not ready to fight. I mean, I don't like to fight either, but I was gonna, of course, defend my friend. And I was like, hey, you know, I'm gonna be the adult in the room. I haven't been drinking. I've been working. Like, this is my place of business. Hey, there. We're in the park. Enough of this. You know, you guys can settle this. And before I could even get it out, she swung on me. And I don't know if she had taken bath salts, but this girl would not be stopped. She was like the Terminator. So we had to fight. And she ripped my dress and she pulled my hair. Just all the particulars that you usually do that I had come accustomed to seeing people do in fights on television. And, yeah, I did a couple moves, karate chopped her in the back of the neck. She went flying into the pavement. Busted her mouth open.
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Okay.
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But then hopped back up. I was like, this is. So eventually, you know, the. Finally, the guys come, came in and separated Us and the rest is history.
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And now you co host baseball games with Barry Bonds.
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How about that?
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B
Nice turn.
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I want to get into some of the baseball stuff because I have a pet. Cause that I now realize has become the reality.
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C
Let's go.
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A
The ABS system around the horn. Starting in 2012, I was calling for robot umpires. Look, man, I've been talking about robot umpires for nine years. Finally, we're getting these things tested, right, experimentally at the lower levels of baseball. The question, though, that baseball has to ask itself, and we as sports fans have to ask ourselves, do we want accuracy or do we want entertainment? And over time, I sort of backed off of it because I was like, it's not fun to yell at a robot. You sort of lose the thing of how mad people get at umpires and the satisfaction of, like, cursing an authority figure who's sure who's a human. But the ABS system, as Major League Baseball has pioneered it, has given us the best of all worlds. So, Elle, before we get into the Netflix stuff, before we get into, like, the finer points of your experience with the sport, can you explain the ABS system and why it's been a revelation?
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B
Yeah, I mean, basically, they measure your height. It's been a revelation because we are finally exposing all these dudes who claim to be 6, 3 and are actually 5, 10.
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It's incredible, honestly, to have precision like this. It's unprecedented in sports, 100%, where we
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get an actual depiction, like, depiction of how tall you are. So it measures how tall you are, and then it comes up with your strike zone. And there's been. There was a report that came out yesterday. All these dudes have been exposed. Six dudes at least have lied about being three inches taller than they actually were. The batter and the pitcher are the only ones that can call a challenge. You've got two seconds. You gotta tap your head, make a signal. If the umpire thinks for any reason you were tipped or you waited too long, they can deny you the challenge. But I think why it's been a revelation is because, listen, I was on the Netflix game when Jose Caballero decided to challenge. With his team up by five runs on an 00 count and no outs, which seemed absolutely absurd to me. But at the end of games when these guys get it wrong, and I think the best marketing tool for ABS was what happened at the Dominican Republic in the World Baseball Classic, where they ended on that super questionable call. You want to be able to get it right in the end. I don't care about using it on the first and second inning. But so far it's also exposed some of these umpires who are tragically wrong consistently.
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C
We love complaining. We love embarrassing people. So you get to do both. You get to complain that they don't know what they're doing. And then when they show it on the Jumbotron and you just hear the crowd roar and you just see how sad the ump looks like. Wow, I'm gonna lose my job.
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B
Yeah. That's great.
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C
That's so good. It's great.
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The thing I underrated was the way in which the robot would be the ally of the fan.
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Yes.
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And so the ump who is most in the dunk tank these days is a gentleman by the name of CB Buckner.
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Oh,
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got him. Look, a challenge.
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Immediate tap of the helmet.
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The Reds runners all hold. Batters challenging the pig. Bases loaded, 2 strikes, 2 outs, top
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of the 6, 35 game ABs powered by T Mobile.
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That's out of the zone. The AB continues.
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Oh, my God. What's Sam going to do?
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So CB Buckner already is just like getting cucked by a machine.
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Yes.
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And then the very next pitch.
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No,
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now the two, two cold. Strike three.
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Tap the helmet again. He says it's off the floor.
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He's so annoyed.
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Batter's challenging the pitch. Here we.
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It is so beautiful, the presentation.
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How dramatic.
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It really is so dramatic.
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The Reds have been two homers.
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Come on. Back to back challenges. They measure it. You are 1.1 in away just twisting
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the knife of his back.
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Look at the fans.
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You suck at your job.
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A
Yeah. The thing that we need is not robots to replace people's jobs, but humans to use robots to point out the people who are terrible at their job. Yes.
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B
Yeah.
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A
And that feels like a winning political position that I had not considered before.
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C
And also I feel like we don't have to limit this to baseball. Like, I'm going to start tapping my hat. Just in general stuff in life. Sure. You mess up my coffee order. Let's go review it.
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Yes.
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And the best part, if people don't know what you're doing, you just look crazy. But if they do, they're going to be so mad.
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They're going to. Yeah.
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They're like, really?
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What was the most offensive hand gesture? It was like the too small things.
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Yeah. Too small.
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Doing.
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I think it's this now or the school.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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But. But doing this.
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Yeah, doing this. If you do that on a train to somebody like, like you're fighting to get a seat, they get there. First you're like, run the challenge.
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Run the challenge.
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Also, when I am making fun of Al for being the face of baseball, I'm not really joking.
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I want to be very clear here,
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but I was watching Elle, who I've known from our time at ESPN together. You're on a set and it's just like you and all these hall of Famers, and you're like, figuring out, okay, so Netf, which is the worldwide leader of everything, is going to do sports, specifically going to do baseball. And something happened with the ABS L where history was made. But one of their hitters is capable
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of doing damage, and he's got good stuff. So it's battle, you know, a battle that you're going to see each at bat.
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I think there's a couple things that are different than maybe in the past
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or some things that they've seen in particular tonight.
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So they're just trying to communicate and
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stay ahead of the game.
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Appreciate it.
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Thank you so much, Matty.
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Yeah, Laura, thanks. We've had our first AP ABS challenge. It was not enshrined in Cooperstown. The first ABS experience.
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B
Listen, I get it. I think the timing is super unfortunate. Every single broadcast does an in game interview, whether it's with the player out in the field or with a coach in the dugout. And they do cutaways and whatnot. But this like, this idea of people being outraged, I'm like, what, you were gonna go to the Smithsonian and watch it over and over again? That's. You were hoping for its official enshrinement into baseball lore. Like, out of here, y'. All, stop. You don't care that much. Stop it. And also, let's real. I said it before. Nobody thought you would challenge an O count up five runs, like, with no one on base. It doesn't matter. It's not an O2 count. It did not affect the game. There are no runners in the scoring position. I'm just saying, like, that was bad luck. Was it unfortunate? The timing was not great, but, like, you know, the outrage is so ridiculous, it doesn't fit the crime.
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A
But this is the thing about being on Netflix. It's like, it's the evil empire. You guys are the New York Yankees of media now.
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B
Yeah.
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C
Yeah.
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And so you come in and all these eyeballs are on, and it's like, what the are these people doing?
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Here's what I'll say about the criticism.
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When I were criticisms about, like, oh, there's a stand up comic. You guys are serving hot dogs after the game. You're trying to make this thing.
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Netflix.
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A
Netflix.
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B
Yeah. Like, literally, that's what we told you from the beginning. So here's the thing. Because there is feedback that's constructive, right? Constructive feedback is too many promos. Message received. As the person that was reading the promos, the shark one, because it was like Bert Kreischer out in the water. That sounds like the beginning of a shark movie. Speaking of which, you know, as a broadcaster, whenever you have to say, speaking of which, your segue was. And so I tried so hard to make that work. So, like, yes, message received. Like. Like as soon as we got off air, right. The Netflix brass was like, yeah, probably too many promos. Message received. Scorebug. Real feedback. Like, it was too small. Whatever. That's cool. All of that is real constructive criticism that is very fixable and will be fixed. But whenever there's criticism like that, I saw of, like, you know, it was just so Netflix. It was just. It was not for baseball purists. Well, first of all, I come from a baseball purist mother who will watch 162 Braves games this year. She would have watched opening day if you would broadcast it on the moon. All right? This was not for baseball. Like, purists, you watch it anywhere. This was for the baseball curious. And we told you that coming in, like, this is for. In. In fact, a lot of what Netflix is doing in the sports world is, yes, for the people that are always going to watch those sports, but also for the people that maybe tuned in to watch Love is Blind, saw the button for opening day on Netflix and thought, all right, I'll check it out. And so I just think, like, listen, this is like going to a Mexican restaurant and then bitching that they don't have barbecue. They advertised as a Mexican restaurant. It's your fault that you somehow thought they were gonna serve barbecue there. Netflix has made no qualms about who they are. Like, we're gonna eventize these things. We're gonna pull people from the Netflix universe. Like, that's what we're going to do. Yes. We could probably save some of the promos, but you're telling me that no sports network has ever had a comedian on before. There's dudes who make, like whole careers out of doing sports, stuff like that. And I'm sorry if you didn't like Bert Kreischer. I'm sorry he took up six minutes of your four hour viewing experience. So I just think if you' us to, like, stop being Netflix y. If you're asking us to stop using Jason Bateman or John Cena to explain Abs or any of these other huge movie stars that every other network would love to have on their broadcast. Ultimately, asking us not to, like, be Netflix is just like, not a thing that's gonna happen.
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C
So I gotta delete my tweet about the cabs and the leanback. I was like, I turned into the oldest New Yorker ever. I was like, what the hell is this? They got livery cabs on the field. What is this?
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B
Also was not Netflix. Like, like, like, like MLB wanted this to feel really big. It was a standalone game for the first time, like, ever. It was supposed to be big, big, big. Hence the trolley cars and the cabs and the, you know, and the comedians doing the lineups and all of that. I mean, my son is five years old. He was never going to watch that baseball game. But I told Jay USO would be there, and he watched.
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A
So the through line in the, in this entire conversation about baseball is that baseball has figured out ways as a sport to do crazy sounding things that I used to pitch on around the h. And somehow the fans have come along. And at all times, when you're working through, like, you're trying to navigate what are a baseball fan's kinks. Sometimes what a baseball fan wants is to feel like the oldest person in the world.
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C
Yes. It's the greatest feeling.
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B
Nostalgia. They love that. They love nostalgia.
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C
Or just just being a curmudgeon and complain. Like, yesterday, lovely, beautiful day. MLB is like, hey, these are the new foods coming in different ballparks and everything. Me, I'm sitting there, I'm like, whatever happened to hot dogs and burgers?
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B
Right?
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C
No.
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B
Where's my Cracker Jack?
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C
Oh, my God.
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B
I just want boiled peanuts.
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C
Yeah. What was all that? You can't get a black coffee anymore. And it's just like, I'm looking at myself. I was like, what are you complaining about? I was like, you can always get a hot dog.
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B
Yes.
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C
And a hamburger still available. And then you start lying. You're like, yeah, they didn't have this in the old stadium. Because if you, if you ask me, old Yankee Stadium, all this old was hot dogs.
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A
Never been the same.
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C
Water, black coffee and beer and Shasta soda. That's it. Nothing new. None of the fancy stuff. We didn't have napkins. And everyone's like, that's not how. And like, no, that's what we remember. But, you know, and then also, I'm a big hypocrite, because if you see me at a Yankee Game. Yes. I will be in the delta section eating a lobster roll.
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B
Yes. Yeah, you will. Out of a helmet.
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C
Out of a helmet.
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B
Yeah.
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A
Gleefully so. My personal perspective was not everything about the broadcast worked as you just outlined, and much did. Yeah. And the thing that I'm grateful for as someone who is endlessly shoveling content into a content furnace, it's Cole is. Thank God, some new sh. T happening that we can talk about 100%.
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B
I just think, like, ultimately, you know, we want to take big swings and, like, if you're there for the baseball, like, we had Barry freaking Bonds. That dude doesn't do television. They somehow convinced Barry Bonds to do tv, and he was telling stories, and he was.
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A
It kind of felt like, who. Who lied to Barry Bonds to get him to, like, do this? Like, how did he know he was going to be like, oh, you think
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B
we, like, bait and switched him? We were like, we're just going to give you an award. And then we threw him on the desk.
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C
Barry Bonds.
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A
Like, Barry, you're. You're getting into the hall of fame. Come to this stadium on opening night, and it's like, oh, I'm here to. I'm here to. Here to do media.
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B
Yeah, yeah, I have to do media. No, he was actually, like, super. It was cool because it was. He was a rookie and a self, admittedly, and he was, like, soliciting feedback and, you know, hazing.
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A
You were hazing Barry Bonds.
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B
I'm, like, coaching up Barry Bonds. I was like, you can do this. Be anecdotal. Lean on this. Da, da, da, da. And that was really cool. Rizzo had never done television before. Albert's done television. Obviously, we all met the day before, so I'm really proud of you.
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A
You actually. Love is blinded your 100%.
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B
And so I was really proud of, like, how everybody rallied. They were all in. They really tried to work as a team. And again, nothing is as good the first time as it's the second, third, or fourth. But that was our first time ever working together. I thought it was a really good product. I wish the game was better. I know you liked it, but, yeah, ultimately, like, I feel really good about, you know, what we did, and it was really nice, the nice things that were said about me. But ultimately, like, people.
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A
People liked you. My one suggestion was, could you have a guy also be climbing a skyscraper who might die at any moment?
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B
Oh, y. Have that.
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A
It's in the outfield somewhere for drama. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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B
100%.
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A
Just the threat of a. A lie fatality.
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B
Yeah, absolutely. At any moment we'll just check in with. I'm sure someone would have had something to complain about with that too.
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A
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A
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C
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- [23:24]
A
I want to get to a grand jury charging document that I read. There's also this NFLPA memo that was circulated because a 34 year old man from Buford, Georgia named Kwame Jerell Ford had dozens of victims. And the way that he victimized these NFL and NBA players, who are among those dozens, was he posed allegedly as a well known adult film star named Tiana Trump? There she is. This is a visual aid to show that she is not one of the Trump families.
- [23:57]
B
Many I wondered, I was like, is that maybe one of the ones that they adopted to feel better about what they do?
- [24:02]
C
Shout out to all the innocent people who didn't automatically have an image of her as soon as you heard the name, but didn't have like a favorite scene or anything, you know, you know,
- [24:09]
A
what's the scattering report on Tiana Trump? Why would she be a useful fit person to impersonate?
- [24:14]
B
You see, we both looked at Desus.
- [24:15]
C
Yeah, yeah.
- [24:16]
B
Fill us in. Tell us about this.
- [24:17]
C
She's a strong number three. You know, she keeps the dialogue going in the opening scenes. You know, doesn't get affected by light changing position, not afraid of the fluids. Strong finisher. You know, I definitely put her in like, you know, put her before the cleanup guy. You know, she's just like, listen, old
- [24:34]
B
school, is there like a, like a sports comp, like an athlete comp? Like she's the blank.
- [24:39]
C
She's like a, I'm thinking maybe like a Josh Hart kind of. Oh, you know, a little breast smoke, that kind of thing.
- [24:44]
B
Oh, God.
- [24:44]
A
Bangs down low. I should clarify that Kwame Jarell Ford, not actually Tiana Trump. And the thing he did, which I think brings us squarely into Desus's sort of resume here, is that allegedly, is that there was a something of a catfishing scheme, although the catfishing concept is sort of underselling it. So this dude was allegedly impersonating Tiana Trump. And There are now 22 charges to which he has pleaded not guilty. Nine counts of wire fraud, seven counts of computer fraud, one count of access device fraud, four counts of aggravated identity theft, one charge of sex trafficking, which I will explain because the dude was not merely impersonating Teyona Trump to these athletes. He was also posing as a Apple customer service account. And so this is a bit of the cleverness here because what this guy would do allegedly is falsely represent to the professional athlete that he was receiving a video file shared through an icloud account that required him to reply with a multi factor authentication code. We're all familiar with this. And so there would be a code sent to the athlete, and that athlete would share that code with the Apple customer service rep, who is this dude. And that guy suddenly now had access to all these athletes icloud accounts.
- [26:00]
C
Brilliant.
- [26:01]
A
And that was. Honestly, I was. When I saw that in the grand jury document, I was like, damn, that's a good idea.
- [26:06]
C
That is, that is. See, that's the problem with scammers because for all that effort, if he did something legit, he'd be rich and successful. But no, people, they're just like, no, I'm going to use all this smarts for just terrible stuff.
- [26:19]
B
Yeah, I'm gonna use my powers for evil.
- [26:20]
C
And then also when you get that code, every time someone sends you that code, they're like, do not share this code with anybody.
- [26:25]
B
Right?
- [26:25]
C
Do not share this code. If this person's like, yeah, the code I got sent. Yeah, I'll give it to you right now. So. Wow.
- [26:31]
A
Yeah. So this guy, previously in 2019 in the Northern district of Georgia, had been convicted of computer fraud in an and aggravate identity theft for similar phishing attacks. He had previously spent nearly $325,000 by using victims stolen financial information. And this scheme allegedly began in November of 2020 while he was still in custody in the Federal Bureau of Prisons, according to prosecutors.
- [26:54]
C
There you go. Can't keep a good man down.
- [26:57]
A
This dude's scheme escalated in May of 2021. Allegedly, he was also not merely posing as Tiana Trump, he was also recruiting an only fans creator, making these promises that would advance the victim's modeling career. Sure, this only fans creator was then going to have sex with the athletes. And then you might not be surprised to learn they were being taped without the athlete's knowledge. But it always returns to me to the notion that, man, athletes really need those. You know, like when. When HR will send those test emails.
- [27:30]
C
Yes.
- [27:31]
A
Like, yeah, like you have been spearfished.
- [27:35]
C
You have.
- [27:35]
A
You just clicked on a link that now resulted in the stealing of your identity. Like, athletes need that more than any other population that I've ever encountered.
- [27:43]
C
The amount of people who fall for those, they won't even send you like a complex email. They'll just be like, click here for a Chipotle gift card. And I have one of my friends and she constantly falls for it.
- [27:52]
B
Yes.
- [27:52]
C
Like maybe five times she's fallen for it. And I was like, why do you keep clicking on it? She was like, I'm not going to pass up a free gift card from Chipotle.
- [27:58]
B
You had me at free.
- [27:59]
C
People fall for it. But yes, NBA athletes definitely need that because I've seen some in the club and listen, life is hard for them. You know, everything's a challenge. So you don't have a good manager. You need someone to like, go through emails.
- [28:12]
A
Lots of natural predators in that ecosystem.
- [28:14]
B
Oh, for sure. Yeah. You're. And you are always, always the meal. But I will say this. There was a part of the story, to me that was moi, confusing because it's like the. He would say to the athletes. This is at least what I read, that he would say to the athletes. Like, if you want these pictures of Tiana Trump, then you have to send your account details. And they were like sending account details and things like that. The thing that does not make sense to me is that she has one of those jobs where like, by function of the job, you can just like Google nudies of her. So why would you need to give up any information to have access to pictures of someone who has many naked pictures readily available for free?
- [28:57]
C
You know what? Some guys, I've heard, they, they like to brag that they know a porn star. And the biggest brag you do if you know a porn star is show a picture of her enclosed doing regular stuff.
- [29:09]
B
Oh.
- [29:09]
C
So because you're like, oh, I know her in real life. Or they do the reverse thing that groupies used to do with rappers where they'll say a rapper's real name.
- [29:19]
A
Ah.
- [29:20]
C
They're like. You're like, oh, you hang with this rapper? Yeah, I was hanging with Andre. You're like. So they'll say the porn star's real name or they'll, they'll be like, yeah, we got coffee out in Silver Lake, or something like that. But for that person, they're like, look, I'm so cool. I've gotten past the veil, right. I'm over the wall.
- [29:36]
B
This is her with zit cream on.
- [29:37]
A
Exactly. Here she is.
- [29:39]
C
Look at her.
- [29:39]
A
No makeup, filing her tax return.
- [29:43]
C
Look at her. She stayed in bed all day because she has ibs.
- [29:46]
B
She had dairy last night. She's having like a huge problem.
- [29:48]
C
The free Chipotle guard struck again.
- [29:53]
A
Oh, my God. I mean, but look. Jesus. When you worked on the. The proverbial back end of porn company infrastructure. Yes. What did you learn about your customers?
- [30:04]
C
They are insane. They are insane and big. Horny. Huge horny. Big. Like shout out to men because. And I've always figured this, the blood it takes to make the erection steals blood from your brain so you don't think clearly. Because one porn site I worked for, we would do marketing and I was doing the DNS, I wasn't doing out listen, I wasn't spread eagle in front of the camera, nothing like that.
- [30:26]
A
Doing the DNS is a technical act name services.
- [30:29]
C
Setting up email, setting up the server, the addresses, all that thing. What we did was a little.
- [30:34]
B
He was giving that DNS.
- [30:36]
C
Hey, hey, say that for Netflix. Okay, so we, so we set up these fake profiles for some of the performers. Mind you, we did not shoot any of the content on the site. We bought the content from third party sites in Brazil. So every, anyone could use. This is like white label porn. Anyone can like buy these image sets and put them up. So we would just give the models fake email addresses, all the email addresses. They all resolved to one general email address. So. But people would write these dedicated letters, these emails to these models under their fake email addresses that we read. No problem, harmless, whatever. Every now and then you look at it, it breaks your heart. Some 85 year old like putting her in the will or whatever. No problem. Here's where the problem was. Say the site was supposed to update at 11pm on Friday.
- [31:24]
B
Okay?
- [31:26]
C
God forbid the site doesn't update at 11pm oh no. At 11:01 you're getting death threats. People like, you stupid bitch, you're trying to take my money. I'm come find you. I'm gonna kill you. I'll cut your head off. And I'm just like, hey. I'm like, hey, it's me answering the emails. And like, people like, you're gonna rob my money. And I'm like, it's one minute late. It is one minute late with the update.
- [31:48]
A
What I'm realizing is that Desus was the CB Buckner of pornography.
- [31:52]
C
Yes. People will look it up.
- [31:54]
A
The updates are like, close is not good enough.
- [31:56]
C
Okay, that was 1101. And then you get people that like is or they're asking like dramatic. They're like, by 11:11pm did you mean Eastern Standard Time or PST Standard Time? Because I haven't seen an update yet. They're like, all right, calm down, horny.
- [32:11]
B
I don't judge people for watching porn at all. I'm no prude. I absolutely judge people for paying for porn. It's too free. It's free, it's free. And I've never paid to watch any porn in my life. But I can't imagine the qual is that much different than what you can get on the alleged porn tube. It's free. Hold on.
- [32:30]
A
It's free. Hold on, hold on, hold on. We're tapping.
- [32:33]
C
We're recognizing a challenge.
- [32:34]
A
I just like how the representative, the face of Netflix Sports, is saying, subscription fees for me, but not for thee. Wow.
- [32:44]
B
Absolutely. Well, yes, because I can't watch some of these banger ass shows for free, but you can absolutely watch literal bangers for free. I'm just saying, like, why would you risk your relationship? Why? Like, I have a friend. God, I hope she's not listening to this at all, because she. I swore. She swore me to secrecy. I won't say her name, but she found out that her husband's spending 800amonth on OnlyFans models. And I'm like, I'm like, like, I would have. It would not bother me at all if I opened up my spouse's browser and I saw a bunch of porn. But if he paid for it, I'm judging him. It's free. Why are you spending money on this? This is insane.
- [33:17]
C
Sometimes you have to pay more for top shelf stuff.
- [33:19]
A
I appreciate supporting individual creators.
- [33:21]
C
Also, shout out to that creator, you're making $800.
- [33:25]
B
These are on different ones.
- [33:25]
C
Oh, different.
- [33:26]
B
Oh, these are various only fans.
- [33:27]
A
Oh, a diversified portfolio.
- [33:28]
B
100. Yeah. He wants to diversify his stock. That's what he's calling it. Anyway.
- [33:33]
C
Not mad at that.
- [33:34]
A
You know, that should be a job.
- [33:36]
B
Seed investment.
- [33:37]
A
Yeah. Oh, there it is. There it is.
- [33:52]
C
And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.
- [34:02]
B
Hey, everyone, Check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?
- [34:05]
A
Oh, no.
- [34:06]
C
We help people customize and save on card insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.
- [34:12]
B
Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.
- [34:14]
C
Anyways, only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Liberty.
- [34:18]
A
Liberty.
- [34:18]
B
Liberty. Liberty.
- [34:28]
A
I want to get to one more topic here, and this topic is very.
- [34:31]
B
Where do we go from here? Let me get to one more thing.
- [34:36]
C
What's the next topic? Topic?
- [34:37]
A
I think this is really important to discuss journalistically. We're going to that squirrel in London that was vaping.
- [34:42]
B
He's getting after it.
- [34:43]
A
He's getting after it. Wow.
- [34:46]
C
But it makes sense because you would feel like the squirrels in England are a little more sophisticated than American squirrels. Yeah, I. I have never heard a squirrel talk, but I'm pretty sure that squirrel has a thick British Accent views on tories, you know, that kind of thing.
- [35:01]
B
All this time we just thought squirrels were out here trying to get a nut, and now they're out here trying to get a little vape on.
- [35:05]
C
Vape on.
- [35:06]
A
We did find a vape flav called Windscent 2.0 Vapor Shield Acorn, which we brought up in an interview that we did with the world's preeminent expert on squirrels.
- [35:18]
D
Hi, I'm John Koprowski. I'm dean and a professor at the University of Wyoming, and it's Hobbs School of Environment and Natural Resources. I love the lengthy name that you shared for the acorn. Acorn flavor. I don't vape, but I might try that one. Squirrels are a little high strung, so they are fun to hang out with in some situations, hard to mellow with. So I think you've got that challenge. But for me, 321 species of squirrel around the world, you know, there's a lot of good hanging out time, even though they are a bit high straw.
- [36:01]
C
I, I have some questions.
- [36:03]
B
I have so many questions about him.
- [36:04]
A
We're all learning about jobs we didn't know existed before on the show today, what he was telling us was this is mostly about smell squirrels. Apparently, you know, they eat, quote, some really nasty kinds of things. And yeah, apparently in nicotine, there are chemicals that can detoxify inside a squirrel's stomach. And so the danger is more in the vape itself and not the vaping. And this is, of course, because of the plastics and all that stuff, but it reminded me, Desus, of a previous New York City creature. You remember this guy?
- [36:37]
C
Oh, yeah. Listen, he's all of us. You know, you get home, you're just like, it's a beautiful city, but it's rough to live in. Look at that cockroach. He's like Aaron Judge. Ah, this guy.
- [36:52]
B
He only hit 500 last year.
- [36:54]
C
How many times have I seen this guy?
- [36:56]
B
Oh, my goodness.
- [36:58]
A
And then, of course, classic, I mean, pizza rat.
- [37:03]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [37:10]
A
I like how big the objects are compared to how small the bodies of the animals are. But there, apparently there are further similarities between the vaping squirrel and the smoking roach and pizza rat. According to the dean of squirrels, all
- [37:24]
D
three of those make sense. When you think about what cockroaches, what rats and what squirrels eat, they all think they found something new and are ahead of the game. So they think they're the smartest animal in the room, I'm guessing, you know, when they get there. And so, you know, I, I just love the Fact that that's what animals do. They, you know, these all kind of exemplified like, hey, you know, yeah, we're tough too. We'll make, you know, we'll make it here in the city.
- [37:53]
C
Meanwhile, the. The Pizza Rat is like, whoa, whoa. I've been eating Finney's pizza for three years, talking about it's new. Come on.
- [37:59]
A
This is a new Tick Tock has made it so that everybody thinks they can be pizza Rad. But Pizza Rat's been ahead of the curve.
- [38:06]
C
Also, that Pizza Rat video is kind of sad because it's just like. It's like every New Yorker, he's just trying to go. He's like, had a rough day.
- [38:12]
B
Yeah.
- [38:12]
C
It's just going home with your food.
- [38:13]
B
Yeah.
- [38:13]
C
Like, he's just going home to his Pizza Rat family with a slice.
- [38:16]
B
Yep.
- [38:16]
C
You know, he's like, you know, Little Caesars. I. Technically, I can't get the hot and ready because I'm a rat, but, you know. Here you go, kids.
- [38:23]
B
I got you something. Is it the contrarian in me that when I see these stories, the first thing I think is Big Tobacco at it again? Oh, yeah, I do. Whenever I see, like a story about the impact that vape is having, I'm not saying it doesn't have an impact. I get it. I know. But whenever I see these stories, I'm like, I feel like this is like Big Tobacco being like, hey, man, in order to preserve the squirrels, we really need to start smoking cigarettes again, guys. Because they don't smoke cigarettes. They just like the fruity flavors of vapes.
- [38:53]
C
I think I was the unwitting pawn of Big Tobacco a couple months ago because, remember, we had the Tompkins Square park and everyone met with the old man to smoke. I was there. I was the old man's right hand guard. I have no idea how I got that job. You know, I have every job in the world. And we just all lit up and smoked cigarettes.
- [39:08]
B
Yeah.
- [39:09]
A
Hold on. The flyer that got circulated around New York City that simply said, smoke a cigarette with me. It was a photo of an old guy.
- [39:15]
B
Guy. No.
- [39:17]
A
You actually went to that.
- [39:18]
C
I not only went to that, I was his security. When he's talking on the loudspeaker, what did he say? He was just like, thank. Like, we didn't expect that many people to come out. It was like he filled the park
- [39:30]
A
and it was a QR code. It said free sig if you RSVP21 plus, of course.
- [39:36]
C
And we were handing out the cigarettes and lighters and everything, and Everyone smoked. And also I didn't realize is if you're in a park full of people, everyone's smoking at the same time. Time. You're about to get the biggest cloud of secondhand smoke.
- [39:47]
B
Oh yeah.
- [39:48]
C
Ever. I felt my lungs on fire. I was passed out, but it was great. And then at the end, we all started speaking Empire State of Mind. And it was really one of those things where, God forbid, you're visiting New York with your little kids. They see that, they're like, I know where I'm moving to when I get older. I'm moving to New York.
- [40:02]
B
Yeah.
- [40:02]
C
Secondhand smoke with this old man.
- [40:04]
A
Yeah. What's this old man's name?
- [40:06]
C
Shout out to Bob.
- [40:07]
A
Bob.
- [40:07]
C
Shout out to Bob. Smoking, smoking cigarette with me.
- [40:10]
B
All lowercase.
- [40:11]
C
And look at the time. 2:00 clock to 2:05. And we did it.
- [40:15]
B
And you, you accomplished everything you needed to accomplish in five minutes.
- [40:18]
C
And then it just went to three. It was just unbridled chaos. We're doing it again next year. So, you know, flying for it.
- [40:24]
A
What's his. What's his deal? Who is this guy?
- [40:26]
C
He's just like the coolest old man. He used to, I think he was like, used to be an art dealer. And talking to him, he's such a quintessential New Yorker. He lived in New York, he lived in la, but he came back to New York. His kid goes to school out here just like very old school was around for like Ed Koch and all the original New York stuff. And he still smokes. And people just like, you're too old to smoke. But he's like, look how old I am. I've been smoking.
- [40:50]
A
So how did I end up giving Diesel a platform to do sponsored tobacco industry?
- [40:56]
C
My father was Philip Morris. So, you know, I know Joe Camel. We went to school together.
- [41:02]
A
So admittedly, this is a terrifying thing. I did not know what Jesus was doing in his free time. But also when we asked the dean of squirrels what is he most concerned about when it comes to urban wildlife and what these animals may or may not be consuming.
- [41:19]
D
Squirrels look for things that kind of look like, you know, a mushroom or explore new smells, which are the potential for new food items. You know, is this the most recent strange mushroom that's popped up from the ground? Need to check it out. Haven't smelled this before. And then, you know, with the potential of that pastrami on.
- [41:42]
C
On it, there was a lot of terrifying things said by that man. Like, do we have to protect cats deli? Like, are the rats Going for the pastrami there or is that also. Can I just say, Dean of Squirrels is maybe the coolest name.
- [41:54]
B
You think he introduces himself like that, like he's a doctor?
- [41:56]
C
He asked.
- [41:57]
B
Oh, Philip Morris. Dana. Squirrels.
- [41:59]
C
Oh, here comes the Dean. Here comes the dean.
- [42:01]
A
What I found out today is that maybe replace Bert Kreischer with the old guy who smokes cigarettes for five minutes.
- [42:07]
B
Yeah, perfect. Yeah. The seventh inning stretch can just be him smoking a cigarette.
- [42:11]
C
Seven inning smoke.
- [42:12]
B
Yeah, I think that's a great idea actually. And I'm sure the baseball purists will really love it. I mean, they were smoking cigarettes like in the press box back in the day.
- [42:19]
C
So back when the game was good.
- [42:20]
B
Yeah.
- [42:21]
C
Little Reggie Jackson puffing on a marble after a game. Bronx is burning behind him. Yeah, he's got like. He got like a shit spear.
- [42:27]
A
That's right.
- [42:28]
B
Right before all the bad flipping. Before they was disrespecting the game. I don't know why I keep going into a Boston accent.
- [42:33]
C
No, you have to. If you're. If you're talking about old school bas. Old school baseball, you either do a Boston accent or old school New York accent. That's all. That because there was only two teams before 1970.
- [42:41]
B
Sure, that's fair. So I don't want my baseball without a pole right in front of me while I'm watching it.
- [42:45]
A
Elle, what did you find out on this episode of Pablo Torre Finds out.
- [42:48]
B
I found out that there is an actual behind the scenes job in porn that doesn't have anything to do with just loving watching porn. Born well done, Desus. Yeah, DNS. Is that what you.
- [42:59]
C
DNS Domain name Services.
- [43:01]
B
Wow. Very cool. There is a person behind those pervy emails. You guys just.
- [43:05]
A
Yeah, let's do it. Love the game.
- [43:07]
C
It's. It's also one of the most boring jobs ever because everything is super horny and sexualized except for your job. Ah, so you're just on a zoom and you're talking. You're like. Yeah. So this new site that came out, you know, big booty breasts, they're like. Yeah. So we're having a problem. It's not. The domain name is not resolving on the west coast. So we need to like really look into the IP addresses and really do a trace out here. I'm doing NS lookup and it's just not fully resolving on the pings.
- [43:33]
A
Desus, what did you find out?
- [43:35]
C
I found out that I have a new job I possibly want. I want to be the next dean of Squirrels. Like we can have a squirrel off like, oh, you know, maybe that should be the thing. We have a. We're going to fight to see who's the true dean of squirrels while the old man smokes next time in the park.
- [43:51]
A
I mean, that is definitely someone's subscription only premium price structured porn. That is someone's very specific.
- [43:59]
C
Someone will pay money. I think there should be an only fan to watch squirrels vape.
- [44:04]
B
Someone will watch it.
- [44:05]
C
Someone will watch it. 100 sexy squirrels.
- [44:07]
B
So what defines a sexy swirl from a regular one?
- [44:10]
A
There's a nut joke here. I'm just too.
- [44:12]
C
We're trying. You know what? You know what? You are respected journalists and people hold this show in high esteem. So we're not going to do that joke. We'll do it once the mics roll.
- [44:20]
B
Never.
- [44:20]
A
Mel Duncan Desus. Nice. Thank you both for doing what is a show that I don't think anyone has ever done before.
- [44:26]
C
So always amazing. Pablo.
- [44:27]
B
It's incredible.
- [44:37]
A
Pablo Torre finds out is produced by Walter Averoma, Maxwell Carney, Ryan Cortez, Juan Galindo, Patrick Kim, neely Loman, Rob McRae, Matt Sullivan, Claire Taylor and Chris Tubanello. Our studio engineering is by RG Systems, our sound design by Andrew Burson, digital strategy by Bailey Carlin and Andrew Northern, and our theme song, as always, by John Bravo. We'll talk to you next time.
- [45:13]
C
Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.
- [45:21]
B
Hey, it's Christy and I'm Kelly. You might remember us as the OG Partners in Crime from Dance Moms. Well, this is Back to the Bar, the podcast where we drag out every insane, chaotic and iconic moment from the show. We're spilling the tea, calling out all the BS and sharing stuff you definitely didn't see on tv. New episodes drop every week and yes, we're laughing through the trauma for once. Follow grab a drink and join us as we go back to the bar.
- [45:50]
C
ACAST helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.