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Parenting in a Tech World
Finding Other Parents Like You: How to Get Help Raising Kids with Mental Health Issues
00:23:56
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- [00:01]
A
Today we're joined by Casey Farriello from other parents like me. An incredible community offering connection, support and resources for parents and caregivers of kids struggling with their mental health. We'll chat about how OPLM came to be, what makes it so special, and the powerful impact it's having on families everywhere. So this special episode you're about to watch was actually filmed in two parts. I, I was sitting here interviewing Casey, but silently because I had literal laryngitis, I couldn't speak. So shout out to Sam off camera, who read her the questions out loud while I sat and listened. I am back. My voice is back. And so I came back to record me asking the questions to Casey, although Casey is not actually here anymore. So anyway, if you're watching this and you're like, that seems really edited. It is. But Casey, Casey's responses are real. I was really here and I really asked her these questions just by way of Sam before right now. Enjoy. Casey, for people who don't know you, can you tell us a little bit about yourself and other parents like me or OPLM as we'll refer to it?
- [01:20]
B
Well, first off, thank you, thank you for having me here. I really appreciate it. I think what you guys have created, I wish that I had. So, so I was a flight attendant for 26 years for Continental and then United and retired in 21 because I wanted this to be my full time gig. And my story is based on my children. So I have three, three kiddos. My oldest struggled during her teen years with. Well, actually when she was born, she struggled with severe anxiety her whole life. We had therapies, all that kind of stuff. And in her teen years it just really kind of took off for her because her younger, youngest, oldest brother was really struggling with substances. So he was born with adhd. We were taught by an occupational therapist to wrap him in a taco because he had explosive motions in the house when he was 3, 4, 5 years old. And unfortunately for him, we did not realize this. You're just following the experts, right? That that taught him that he was the only person not allowed to have emotions in the house, which makes sense now. And that when he had emotions, he was suffocated. So at 19 is when he really told us how it took him that long. But in eighth grade he discovered substances and all that nothingness fel. And that was a took over for him. So between his sophomore and junior year, it just fully took over. We found cocaine in his bag when we were traveling in Paris and I was like, Charles de Gaulle Airport. Like, really, really, really? You 16 year old don't understand. And once the cat was out of the bag, it was our oldest who said, he's an addict, like you need to help him. Then we were doing individual outpatient, we did short term residential, individual outpatient, partial hospitalization. He had a suicide attempt, seven day cycle, 2018. So just so you know, that was allowed then, not now, then a back to a residential treatment. And during all of that, he was running away, punching holes in the walls, breaking mirrors. He and my husband had to intervene between he and I because I was trying to take his ph. And he called child protective services and she was like, who owns the phone? That's why I was like. And he was like, well, they do. Then they get to take the phone and you don't get to fight with your own. But my husband had to like pull him off of me, which was scary. Which is like, why I wish there was something like this that I could have controlled. And unfortunately, throughout all of that, there was a suicide attempt where he told me when he woke up that luckily he woke up, that he wanted to kill himself because of me. And we had social services involved, we had the school involved, we had insurance involved. And his last thing In December of 2018, I think it was like, I don't know, the third or fourth, he was kicked out by insurance because he had run away from the program. This time he'd snorted medication. Like it just kept. He just kept ramping up for six months. And then social services said, we're just gonna put him in a boy's home. Which is really scary for me now. Cause it's taken me this long to understand that if we had done that, agreed to that, we would have lost our rights over our child. So that was really scary to discover recently. They didn't say that to us back then. And school was like, unless you can prove he's safe, he can't come here. So for two weeks, our son heard all of these people say this to him. He was in our house for two weeks with nothing to do except for watching tv. He was breaking into things that we thought we were locking away, but there you go. And my daughter, I tell you about her because she was coming home from college and I had bought her Klonopin, put it down on the table, went upstairs and went, oh my gosh, ran downstairs. And my son had already changed it with a leave and overdose that night. Now he's alive, but he lost five days of his life. And so I had to do GoFundMe to go outside of all of these people. So the person, the people that are my son hated, like with a passion for trying to stop him from using. Sorry.
- [06:09]
A
Take your time.
- [06:16]
B
Oh, it's amazing how many years it's been and this still happens. Said that we. We had to do something and we had a friend come who I'm just gonna make. Probably make you laugh, but we. The only friend he was allowed to have. We call him his sober friend. He's Mormon. Yeah, right. And so he played with him and like video games at the hospital. And we. She came down and said, you need more help. And here's what my friend did. So I had to do a GoFundMe because we weren't those parents who had money. We raised 70,000. And this is the beauty of why being in the flight attendant world I share that is because people donated 5, 10, 15 like it the FL. The flight world is so generous, even if they don't know you. I mean and it's crossed like not just united, but so it's amazing. And our son went to an outdoor therapy program on Christmas Eve, unfortunately because our. The other two siblings said if he comes home for Christmas, we're gonna leave. Like they're the ones who said, you need to do something significant because we know our brother's gonna die. And my husband and I were still like, oh, we can do this, we can do this. So our son today is doing great. He's 23, almost 24, and he says he would not be alive without it. He wasn't suicidal, but he didn't care about living. And that is really scary for a parent. So that's my story. But my youngest also has social anxiety from having very two chaotic, very older siblings. And during the teen years when both were really like going having real big struggles, he was cutting. So I only thing I was told in 2018 was to go to Al Anon, which is a 12 step program for loved ones. For the love the loved ones of the person. And I did learn self care there and I did do the 12 steps, but I didn't feel seen as a parent. So after our son was out of therapeutic boarding school and like the rest of the world in 2020 when the world shut down, I started support groups for them and went from one support group to eight. I went from the 14 families we had to 350 in six months. And I knew that this needed to be bigger and found my partner and we did it. We. And we had an original partner. Too, who was there for the whole pilot. So for two years we RA pilot and then we launched in January 2022. And because of that I was able to bring 25 parents. So we were able to start large with 15 groups. And we're now up to 18 groups led by two peer parents, that's what we call them, who are facilitators, trained using the Smart Recovery Facilitator Handbook, which is why we create the wheel when there's something amazing out there. And then we train them every other month on different topics. And we just believe no matter what's happening behind your four walls, you can come together and talk about communication, boundaries, self care and self regulation and only have to go to one support group instead of like, I would have to go to 10. Wow. Wow.
- [09:41]
A
What can parents who join the OPLM community expect when joining?
- [09:47]
B
To not feel alone. To have everybody on the screen because it's virtual start shaking their heads when you're talking. We call them bobbleheads. And for the first time you're just like, oh. And to have someone who has a neurodivergent child and all those struggles and a child who has, who is adopted with severe suicidal ideation and a parent who has a child they didn't know until college how bad their substance use was when they failed out to all be in the same room and hear the same words being said and go, oh, this is everywhere. And it doesn't matter what's happening. It's huge. So what they get is they get to come in and do a meditation. Because I will just admit I still can be bad at self care. So we support them on that, do a little meditation. Whether or not they're just like here, like, oh my God, God, I'm doing a meditation. Or they're like totally in. They do. We have an opening and then we do the. We do a topic. So anywhere from a TED Lasso video to something from Psychology Today, maybe inside out, a poem. I'm a big young Pueblo fan, think he's amazing. Anything that gets them to start to think and parents start to understand. Like, they don't have to read self help books. They don't have to listen to tons of podcasts. They can. There is moments and nuggets everywhere that will naturally create an aha moment for them and give them more peace. And that's what they start to get. And then they all start like, they're like meeting outside. They're like, they have chats together. So but the support group, they get seen and validated by the two peer parents, which also is one of the things that people love. I hear that all the time that the peer parents will validate what they heard and that they're like, for the first time, they feel not only everybody shaking their heads, but someone saying what they feel. And that's huge. And then we have speaker talks that are live and free for everyone. And those are recorded. We have over 200. So that's really cool. Just education. Because I always felt like I had to pay for any education. Like, so that's why it's free. And then we have lots of resources on the website that they can search as well. So we have a newcomer meeting so they can start and, like, figure everything out. And we also have positive groups, Gratitude, meditation. Like, just took my kids to the er. A neurodivergent group. We had an education around. We do a book club and they're talking about boundaries. So we have solo moms. We have men's groups too, and they're well attended. And women's groups. So. Yeah.
- [12:50]
A
How did you get through the tough times before you had other parents like me?
- [12:54]
B
I did a lot of things. My husband and I got a couples therapist so that we could stay on the same page. I recommend that. Always recommend that you're not doing therapy, you're doing. How do we stay together? Because so hard, so hard. Everybody has different values, difference opinions. Sometimes one has a harder time holding boundaries and one doesn't. And then it becomes like this ability for the kids to like, pull you apart. That was one of our keys that we both say. We did start attending support groups. That was the Al Anon did help and excuse me, but I used to go once a week, especially if there was extra struggles. I would go to this really, this Asian foot massage place where they basically beat your feet into submission because everything is in your feet that you're holding when you're stressed. So I would do that. And it was really not expensive and it hurt. And then afterwards you're just like, I'm walking on air. Oh, my gosh. And then we had a hot tub. So when things were really bad, sometimes we had to go into hot tub two or three times a day. But we would go in, maybe have a glass of wine later in the day and just like, chat and not talk about the kids. That's another part is to have time where you're not talking about the kids and go for walks. So it was. There was a lot that I was doing to take care of myself during that time.
- [14:27]
A
If you had to give parents one or two pieces of advice if their children are struggling with their mental health. What would it be?
- [14:37]
B
Number one is actually focus on you, take care of you, find help for you. And I say that because what my son has said was we added, not intentionally at all, but we added to his shame and guilt of all the stuff that was happening because he saw me falling apart, crying hysterically, not being able to be. I mean, I was a crazy person screaming at him and yelling at him and then also crying. And like with his overdose, like we got to watch his blood pressure drop to 10 and we had to move him from our local hospital to a big hospital. And that's the most important thing was, is that somehow you have to find a way to show up regulated while your kid is in shame. They're in a shame spiral as they. As you discover what's really happening. So number one is to take care of yourself so that you can be present. Sometimes all you can do is go to a peer support group and have other people shake their heads. You know, that helps. And the second one is, this is not your fault. This is genetics. This is intergenerational stuff. This is stuff that you've brought from your childhood that even you thought you were changing. This is fear. You are afraid for your child. It is completely understandable. And you know, for me, my having a child born with severe anxiety and she cried for hours every day with nothing being able to do, I turned into a fear based parent until she. And then when she was able, I was able to do things. The problem was that then I became severe, like enmeshed with her, like, oh, now I can do things. And that is not my fault. Nor the fact that she still struggles, she struggles now with OCD is not my fault. And you know, but be able to hear and validate them and acknowledge that you were doing the best you could. I just shout that to the rooftops. I sometimes have to say that to myself too. So I'm also saying these to myself, like, no, you're doing the best you could.
- [17:22]
A
So powerful. What do you think still needs to change in how our culture supports parents of kids who are struggling?
- [17:32]
B
We are not part of the conversation at all. The only person who acknowledged us as being part of the conversation was actually the past surgeon general who last year did a study about the parents end crisis. And no matter how many times we talk about how you need to talk to us to, we need education, we need support. There's scary things happening in our house and sometimes Culturally, it's, oh, my gosh, it's still so stigmatized, whether it's substance use, whether it's cutting, whether it's suicidal ideation, whether it's as simple as depression or anxiety, or the person who, like, is just so anxious because you just have that kid who's like, I got a B and I need to get an A. And you're not even a parent. Like, you're not even a parent who cares. But you still need. But it's. There's such. There's such pressure on us and there's pressure on our kids to look Facebook perfect.
- [18:48]
A
What's next for oplm? Anything that you'd love to see happen as your community continues to grow?
- [18:55]
B
Yeah, we are in 11 countries. We have someone. We have people in Hungary, Australia, Ireland and England. Those are a couple of ones that I can remember off the top of my head. And, oh, in the Philippines. And I would love to be 24 7, so we have someone in all 50 states too. And I would love to be 24 7. So no matter where you are in the world, also have languages with native. Have groups with native speakers and to also start to add parent coaching one on one, so that someone needs that one on one that's available. And, you know, we're being creative on how we can because we pay our peer parents, because we feel lived experience has value, because us as parents give everything away. And we want to continue to be able to support others who are ready to come because they've done a lot of work and be able to, you know, be in that lived experience and just continue to grow the connections that we have to other companies. We want employers to start using us. We want employees to start. We want you to start before. For your kid is in a crisis like mine and kids are starting younger. We're talking like kids are having severe struggles starting at 8 years old, and parents are. By the time it really gets bad, they're already so overwhelmed. So that's what we want to do.
- [20:34]
A
Can you tell us a little bit about how the work we're doing at Bark with treatment centers aligns with the work you are doing at oplm?
- [20:43]
B
Yeah, I mean, this is. I think this is a switch for both of us, actually, and where we're. How we're aligned. So I've been talking to bark since 2021 for a while, but then the movement of you guys aligning with treatment centers in order for them to have these phones so that the kids can be more successful when they get home and Change what a phone they have access to on a phone. I mean, my son was a big Snapchat person. Like, the Snapchat. Snapchat person came. The. The drug dealer came to the house in the middle of the night with Snapchat.
- [21:20]
A
So.
- [21:20]
B
And I know it's still a thing, but having. Is it okay to say Snapchat? Yes. Okay. All right. I'm like, wait a minute. And I believe that now with like the Instagram kind of DMs like that, like, there's other ways, not just Snapchat, but that you guys having. That started within the treatment program so that the kid is used to having more restrictions before they head home. That aligns with us, and we are partnering with treatment programs. So when the kids are dropped off, the parents already have 18 groups a week beyond the treatment specific groups and the workshops. So we're also. The mission is that they pay for a full year for the parents instead of the parents doing it so that together, BARK and OPLM are supporting the family unit past their time. And my hope is we are creating a situation that is more successful for the kiddos, the family system, the parents, taking out one of the boundaries you have to fight for and making it more available. And then we have, you know, then we believe that parent coaches and mentors need to support that also so that people have their individual stuff going on. But I feel like this is because phones are such a big part of the trigger and parents feeling so alone just really adds to the tension in the house is how we align and why I believe Embark and I think you guys believe in us because we. That's what we want. We're looking for the kids not to return. Not to return.
- [23:17]
A
Casey, thank you so much for being here. I know that your work specifically is going to be changing lives and saving lives. Thank you for offering this much needed support for parents.
- [23:30]
B
I really appreciate this opportunity to be able to be here and talk with you and share how two companies are really trying to do some important work to support kiddos and parents.