Parenting Understood: Episode 147 - Post-Traumatic Parenting: Break the Cycle, Become the Parent You Always Wanted to Be

Released on December 11, 2024

Hosts: Erin O'Connor and Michelle Tangeman
Guest: Dr. Robin Kosselwitz

Introduction

In Episode 147 of Parenting Understood, hosts Erin O'Connor, a developmental psychologist and professor at New York University, and Michelle Tangeman, a licensed marriage and family therapist, delve into the intricate dynamics of post-traumatic parenting. Joined by Dr. Robin Kosselwitz, a clinical child psychologist and educational director of the Targeted Parenting Institute, the discussion centers on understanding how trauma influences parenting styles and strategies to break harmful cycles.

Understanding Trauma in Parenting

The conversation begins with Michelle Tangeman sharing her personal journey with PTSD and the lack of research on how trauma affects parenting. She highlights the challenges of managing trauma-induced behaviors, such as flashbacks and panic attacks, while caring for young children.

Michelle Tangeman [02:09]: "There was no research. There was literally not a single piece of research... I knew it would have to impact my parenting because I had flashbacks and panic attacks."

Erin O'Connor echoes this sentiment, emphasizing the obvious yet underexplored impact of trauma on parental interactions and the physical demands of parenting.

Erin O'Connor [03:19]: "It's shocking in so many ways, right? That this had not been studied."

Types of Post-Traumatic Parenting

Dr. Robin Kosselwitz introduces five distinct types of post-traumatic parenting, each stemming from different trauma coping mechanisms:

1. Disengaged Parent
   Parents who dissociate to manage high stress, avoiding emotional engagement to prevent damaging their children.

   Michelle Tangeman [08:39]: "Their stress response is so high that they just need to dissociate so that they don't allow their damage to damage their kids."

2. Paralyzed Parent
   These parents appear frenetic, juggling multiple tasks without completing any, often due to people-pleasing tendencies.

   Michelle Tangeman [08:39]: "Paralyzed parents are frenetically busy doing a thousand things but never finishing anything."

3. Perfectionist Parent
   Obsessed with flawless parenting, these parents neglect the emotional needs of their children in pursuit of idealized standards.

   Michelle Tangeman [08:39]: "They're so focused on doing parenting perfectly that they can't be present."

4. Entangled Parent
   Parents whose past entanglements, such as unresolved family issues or external toxic relationships, detract from their ability to be present with their children.

   Michelle Tangeman [08:39]: "Entangled parents have relationships or past issues that keep their minds away from their parenting."

5. Survivor Parent
   Operating in survival mode after acute trauma, these parents struggle to engage in active parenting due to ongoing distress.

   Michelle Tangeman [08:39]: "Survivor parents are holding on with their toenails, focusing on basic needs and not on active parenting."

Additionally, Michelle discusses the concept of Perfectionist by Proxy, where parents project their anxieties onto their children, striving for their children's perfection as a means to avert personal fears.

Michelle Tangeman [12:35]: "Sometimes you have a parent who is so anxious for their child because it's like, if my kid doesn't succeed, then all these bad things might happen."

Impact of Trauma Coping Mechanisms

Michelle shares her realization that her dissociative coping mechanism, once a perceived strength, hindered her ability to be present with her children. This epiphany came through her son's innocent yet profound question about her dissociating behavior.

Michelle Tangeman [16:04]: "He asked me, 'Where do you go when you go away behind your eyes?' and I realized dissociation was not beneficial."

Strategies to Break the Cycle

The hosts and Michelle explore practical techniques to address and mitigate post-traumatic parenting styles:

1. Awareness and Consciousness
   Recognizing when trauma influences parenting behaviors is the first step towards change.

   Michelle Tangeman [19:35]: "The first thing is to become conscious of them."

2. Emotion Personification
   Drawing from therapies like Internal Family Systems and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Michelle describes a method of acknowledging emotions without letting them control actions.

   Michelle Tangeman [20:59]: "I start saying to my stress, 'Hello stress, you're here... Thanks for that information.'"

3. Journaling and Reflection
   Keeping a journal helps parents process their emotions and understand their trauma's impact on their parenting.

   Michelle Tangeman [26:31]: "I brain dump every night where I just voice note to myself... I have this nice little journal with my Brooklyn accent."

4. Therapeutic Practices
   Engaging in regular therapy and disciplined self-reflection fosters healing and better parenting practices.

   Michelle Tangeman [16:04]: "I went into therapy, and I was like, 'Oh, this dissociation is not a good thing.'"

Parenting as a Path to Healing

A significant portion of the discussion focuses on how parenting can serve as a healing journey for traumatized parents. By striving to align parenting behaviors with personal values and confronting past traumas, parents can foster both their own healing and healthier relationships with their children.

Michelle Tangeman [15:55]: "It's parenting that really lets us heal this stuff in a way that even therapy sometimes can't touch."

Resources and Further Support

Dr. Robin Kosselwitz promotes her upcoming book, Parenting After Trauma, set to release in July 2025. She also highlights her active online presence through podcasts, YouTube videos, and social media platforms where she engages with a community of post-traumatic parents seeking support and guidance.

Michelle Tangeman [31:10]: "You can find me on Instagram at Dr. Kostelet Psychology and join our post traumatic parent community."

Conclusion

Episode 147 of Parenting Understood offers an in-depth exploration of how trauma influences parenting styles and provides actionable strategies for parents to break destructive cycles. Through awareness, emotional management, and continuous self-reflection, traumatized parents can cultivate a nurturing and present approach to child-rearing. Dr. Robin Kosselwitz's insights and resources serve as valuable tools for parents seeking to overcome the challenges of post-traumatic parenting and foster a healthier family dynamic.

Notable Quotes:

• Michelle Tangeman [03:48]: "I can't make my boss happy or my baby happy. I can't make them both happy now."

• Michelle Tangeman [12:35]: "If my kid doesn't succeed, then all these bad things might happen."

• Michelle Tangeman [20:34]: "That's probably a trauma. The first realization."

• Michelle Tangeman [26:10]: "I'm furious right now. So I'm going to take a moment before I talk to you about this."

Additional Resources:

• Book Pre-Order: Parenting After Trauma available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Goodreads, and independent bookstores starting July 2025.
• Online Community: Instagram - @Dr.KosteletPsychology
• Podcast: Post Traumatic Parenting
• YouTube Channel: Post Traumatic Parenting

For more insights and weekly research-based parenting strategies, subscribe to Parenting Understood on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, and follow the hosts Erin O'Connor and Michelle Tangeman online.