Passion Struck with John R. Miles, Ep. 731

Bonded by Evolution: How Attraction Really Works | Guest: Paul Eastwick

Release Date: February 19, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, John R. Miles sits down with Dr. Paul Eastwick, UC Davis psychology professor and leading researcher in attraction and close relationships, to dismantle the classic narrative of romantic relationships as a “mating market.” Drawing from his new book, Bonded by Evolution: The New Science of Love and Connection, Eastwick reveals that our deepest drive isn’t to win in a hierarchy but to form meaningful bonds where we matter. They discuss how prevailing evolutionary frameworks harm our sense of worth, why compatibility trumps ranking, the real science behind attraction, and how modern dating apps are changing—but not improving—the way we connect.

Key Topics & Discussion Points

1. The Flawed Evolutionary Story of Romance

• Main Insight: Traditional evolutionary psychology frames love as a competitive marketplace—a story Paul Eastwick says is incomplete, even harmful.

• “It’s easy to underestimate how important support is in a relationship…these are bad metaphors. Good metaphors are about support. This is the key thing that differentiates happy relationships from unhappy relationships.”
  — Paul Eastwick (00:33)

• The old model prizes ranking, status, and scarcity.

• Eastwick’s research, and his new book, argue for an “attachment” lens—humans are built to bond and care, more than to compete.

2. Why Attraction Is About Specific Compatibility, Not Universal Appeal

• Main Insight: Attraction is less about being universally desirable and more about specific interactions and compatibility.

• "Attraction is not about being universally appealing. It’s about appealing to someone specific through interaction."
  — John Miles (16:00)

• As people interact repeatedly, their feelings diverge—replacing consensus with personal, unique attraction.

• Notable analogy: Intramural sports teams, hobby groups, or recurring classes foster the interactions that reveal compatibility beyond first impressions.

• "Maybe you seem like a six at first, but after a few weeks,...some people now think you’re an eight. It’s this unique, idiosyncratic way that we come across to other people."
  — Paul Eastwick (16:43)

3. The Psychological Toll of Ranking & the Myth of Mating Markets

• Main Insight: “Mating market” metaphors intensify the trauma of rejection and distort our sense of self, presenting worth as fixed and externally judged.
• Internalized “mate value” rankings lead people to personalize rejection, believing it stems from something deeply and unchangeably wrong with them.
• Such metaphors overstate consensus about desirability—there’s much more variation in actual relationships.
• "The science really poorly reflects the idea that there is strong consensus about how desirable certain people are...Also this idea that it’s unchangeable—absolutely not true at all."
  — Paul Eastwick (13:59)

4. Attraction is Built in Interaction, Not on Checklists

• Main Insight: Lists of ideals (physical traits, values, lifestyles) are poor predictors of who we’ll actually connect with.

• Case Study: John’s acquaintance “Brad” failed repeatedly by seeking perfect checklist matches.

• "Even if you can find somebody who fits all those things, it’s actually not going to matter all that much. It’s not that much better than a coin flip…”
  — Paul Eastwick (38:15)

• Real compatibility is formed in interaction, not found by ticking boxes.

5. The Gender Differences Question—Smaller & More Contextual Than We Think

• Main Insight: Evolutionary narratives exaggerate gender differences in what men and women want in mates.
• Speed dating studies showed that while surveys suggest men prize looks and women prize status, in real live interactions, attractiveness predicts interest with equal strength for both genders.
• Anecdote: Classic study where strangers ask, “Would you go to bed with me?” Massive gender difference if the proposition is from a stranger, but difference shrinks when it comes from someone familiar.
• "Women are freaked out by strangers, which makes a lot of sense...when being propositioned by somebody they know, there’s a gender difference too—it's far smaller."
  — Paul Eastwick (29:01)

6. Secure Relationships as Safe Havens & Secure Bases

• Main Insight: What distinguishes happy relationships isn’t transactional negotiation, but emotional support—a partner as safe haven and secure base.

• "Good metaphors are about support. This is the key thing that differentiates happy relationships from unhappy relationships."
  — Paul Eastwick (33:25)

• Safe haven: partner offers comfort, validation, and acceptance during challenges.

• Secure base: partner celebrates your successes and provides the foundation for exploration and growth.

• "When you feel like there’s somebody who’s got your back, then you try new and risky things...it anchors you to take on the world."
  — Paul Eastwick (35:22)

7. The Modern Dating App Dilemma

• Main Insight: Apps reverse the natural order—filtering and checklisting come first, personal interaction second; this is depleting and less effective.

• Dates become job interviews, and spontaneous, gradual compatibility is lost.

• "A challenge of using the apps is that it often removes the spontaneity...for most people, that approach [repeated in-person exposure] works better, feels better, is more enjoyable."
  — Paul Eastwick (44:40)

• Advice: Join recurring social activities (sports, dance, classes) for repeated, organic interactions.

8. Reputation and "Player" Myths—What Really Predicts Long-term Relationship Capacity

• Main Insight: A person’s “player” reputation or early history says little about their future as a committed partner.
• Attractiveness may make someone more appealing in initial encounters, but doesn’t predict relationship quality.
• "All the things in the world that we can identify that make some people initially more appealing—they’re just irrelevant to somebody’s long-term relationship potential."
  — Paul Eastwick (47:23)

9. Reframing Love and Worth

• Main Insight: Humans evolved to attach, adapt, and care—not to compete for mates or status.
• Focusing on “winning” diminishes our sense of attachment and mutual care.
• Attachment is not just romantic—it’s the lens through which we thrive as social beings.
• "This attachment lens...is less mercenary, less hierarchical, less 'I need to get the best for me,' and I find it more inspiring."
  — Paul Eastwick (50:00)

Notable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• On support as the key to happy relationships:
  "It’s easy to underestimate how important support is in a relationship...this is the key thing that differentiates happy relationships from unhappy relationships."
  — Paul Eastwick (00:33, 33:25)

• On hierarchical dating models:
  "The evidence behind that hierarchical idea, I think it’s pretty limited. I think a better idea is to start with the idea that humans are social creatures...who attach"
  — Paul Eastwick (12:13)

• On compatibility illusion:
  "Even if you can find somebody who fits all those things, it’s actually not going to matter all that much. It’s not that much better than a coin flip.”
  — Paul Eastwick (38:15)

• On the “player” reputation:
  "All the things in the world that we can identify that make some people initially more appealing—they’re just irrelevant to somebody’s long-term relationship potential."
  — Paul Eastwick (47:23)

Timestamps for Major Segments

• Intro/Theme Setup – 00:33
• Paul Eastwick’s Motivation & Book Origin – 09:28
• Rejection & Internal Worth – 13:59
• Compatibility via Interaction vs. Lists – 16:43, 38:15
• Gender Differences in Attraction – 24:48, 29:01
• Mating Market Myths – 30:55
• Safe Havens/Secure Bases – 33:09
• Modern Dating Apps & Their Problems – 44:40
• “Player” Reputation & Long-term Partnership – 47:12
• Reframing Human Relationship Evolution – 49:11
• Living a Passion Struck Life (Closing Q&A) – 50:48

Memorable Moments

• Eastwick’s anecdotes about famous psychological studies on “would you go to bed with me?” and how context, not just gender, drives differences in reaction.
• Demystifying the allure and pitfalls of dating apps—advocating for more meaningful group and friend-based introductions.
• The science-based reframe from “ranking and competing” to “resonating and bonding.”

Final Takeaways

• Attraction is specific, not universal—idiosyncratic bonds outweigh market logic.
• Modern dating often amplifies feelings of disposability; true flourishment comes from bonds built over time.
• Support, care, and being a “secure base” matter most in relationships—for both romantic longevity and a sense of mattering.
• Our deepest need isn’t to win, but to attach and feel significant to particular others.

To go deeper:

• Visit theignitedlife.net for reflections and the episode workbook.
• Paul Eastwick’s book, Bonded by Evolution, is available on all major platforms.
• Listen to Paul and Eli Finkel’s Love Factually podcast for deep dives into romance and pop culture.

“Humans evolved to attach, not to compete. The deepest fulfilment in love comes not from winning, but from mutual care and emotional shelter.”
— Episode Reflection (52:38)