Passion Struck with John R. Miles

Episode 680: Charles Duhigg on Unlock the Secret Language of Connection
Release Date: October 23, 2025

Overview

In this deeply insightful episode, John R. Miles welcomes back Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist and bestselling author Charles Duhigg (“The Power of Habit,” “Supercommunicators”). Together, they dive into the heart of connection—specifically, how “extraordinary conversations” can repair trust, rekindle relationships that have gone quiet, and rebuild human connection in an era of polarization and digital distance. Duhigg shares practical tools and mindsets for having challenging conversations, recognizing conversational types, and practicing communication as a daily, intentional practice that helps people feel seen, valued, and truly matter.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why “Supercommunicators” Resonated Now (09:06)

• Polarization and Disconnection: Duhigg argues America—and the world—feels more divided than ever, not just in politics but in personal relationships.
  • Quote (Duhigg, 09:06):
    “Those differences feel so big and insurmountable that sometimes it just feels easier not to communicate … It’s not that we all agreed with each other in the past, but that we knew how to disagree and still stay connected.”
• Communication’s Decline: John points out technology gives us more ways to “communicate,” yet deep, human conversation has become rarer.
• People crave reconnection: The book’s success, Duhigg suggests, comes from a desire to escape cycles of division and “feel connected” even when we disagree.

2. Repair vs. Logistical Conversations (11:13)

• How to tell if a conversation is about repair:
  • Simply ask: “Is this something we should talk about?”
  • If they agree, “you're in a repair conversation” (Duhigg, 11:39).
• Meta-conversations are powerful: Talking about which type of conversation you’re entering helps set expectations and avoid confusion.
  • “Is this an emotional conversation? Is it a practical conversation?”

3. Initiating Difficult Conversations (12:22)

• What to do:

  • Acknowledge it might be uncomfortable: “If I say the wrong thing...I want to apologize in advance.” (12:39)
  • State your goals up front: “My goal is that afterwards, we feel like we've really listened to each other...our friendship is more important than this one issue.”
  • Ask about their goals too.

• What NOT to do:

  • Don’t open with blame: “Hey, I've been really pissed for a long time because I think you're totally wrong…”
  • That’s a monologue, not an invitation (Duhigg, 14:00).

4. Invitations vs. Mandates – The Repair Mindset (16:35)

• Invitations Heal, Mandates Create Distance:
  • Quote (Duhigg, 16:35):
    “Inviting someone to talk to you and mandating that they talk to you are very different … The first feels like an invitation ... The second is a demand ... an attempt to control me ... That puts you in a fight or flight response.”
• Deep Questions Are Invitations:
  • The right way: “Hey...what’s it like to live up there?”
  • The wrong way (mandate): “When’s the last time you cried in front of another person?”

5. The Role of “Mattering” in Trust Repair (19:01)

• Mattering = Being Seen and Heard
  • John discusses “mattering” as validation—making people feel valued and truly listened to.
  • Quote (Duhigg, 20:05):
    “The best way that we show someone that they're important ... is by proving to them that we're listening ... What I'm hearing you say is this ... So I think the first thing when it comes to mattering is ... see it as your mission to prove that you're listening.”
• Reciprocity: If you show real listening, the other person is more likely to do the same.

6. Repairing Work Relationships (22:37)

• When a manager wants to help (not just instruct):
  • State the goal and invite perspective:
    “My goal for today is ... to help you be as successful as I think you can be. Let me start by asking you a question ... Tell me a little bit about how you think you've been struggling.”
• Prove you’re listening:
  • Repeat back what you understand: “What I hear you saying is...am I getting that right?” (22:37)
• Reducing defensiveness and encouraging openness:
  • When people feel listened to, they’re more likely to be receptive to feedback and guidance.

7. Diagnosing the Real Fracture: Facts, Emotions, Identity (25:45)

• Three layers:
  1. Facts
  2. Emotions
  3. Identity
  • You can’t “magically” diagnose which is in play—so ask questions to unearth what’s really going on (26:18).
  • Our brains are skilled at detecting the nature of the conversation once we listen to answers.

8. Reconnecting with Estranged Loved Ones (27:56)

• Low-Pressure, High-Signal Reconnection Message:

  • Example (Duhigg, 28:21):
    “I don’t need you to respond if you don’t want to ... I just want you to know that I love you and I miss you ... If you do want to respond, I promise I’ll do everything to make sure it’s in the safest way possible.”
  • State your goal: just to reconnect, not to win agreement or force dialogue.
  • Acknowledge past communication hasn’t gone well, take responsibility for your part.

• Medium matters less than the recipient’s comfort:

  • Duhigg recommends matching the recipient’s preferred mode—text if they text, call if they call—but adjust your messaging style appropriately. (30:04)

9. Communicating Boundaries Without Alienation (31:17)

• A real-life scenario: Parent disapproving of adult child’s partner.

• How to approach:

  • Combine honesty with vulnerability:
    “Mom and Dad, I know you don’t like my girlfriend … but she’s important to me, and my relationship with you is important... For us to maintain our relationship … when you bring it up constantly, it feels like you don’t trust or respect me ... That might not be your intention, but that’s how it feels.”
  • Ask for specific feedback, listen actively, and clarify the real issue (e.g., “You want to see me more”).
  • Seek underlying causes—traditions, faith, fear of losing family time.

• Sometimes, choices are necessary: When neither party wants to compromise, acknowledge the dilemma and your feelings. “There is no silver bullet,” Duhigg says (37:02), but clarity about your goals and open communication gives the best chance of “coming together even if you disagree.”

10. Markers of Relationship Healing (40:11)

• Intuitive knowing: Healing is felt more than seen—trust your gut.
• Implementation intentions:
  • Decide in calm times (“cold state”) how to handle future conflicts (“hot state”):
    “Next time we have a fight, let’s decide now how we’re going to handle that...”
    E.g. ground rules (“We won’t interrupt. No talking about your mother!”).

11. Habits and Rituals That Build Trust (42:40)

• Small routines matter: Weekly coffees, calls, or rituals help, but the real habit is asking questions—especially deep questions.
  • “Consistent super communicators ask 10 to 20 times as many questions as the average person.” (43:10)
  • Rituals only matter if they include mutual curiosity and exchange.

12. The Counterintuitive Skill: Don’t Try to “Win” (44:26)

• Let go of needing to be right:
  • The point isn’t to persuade, but to understand.
  • Quote (Duhigg, 44:26):
    “If we both walk away still disagreeing with each other, but I understand how you see the world a little bit better ... that conversation has been a success.”

13. Treating Connection as a Daily Practice (45:51)

• Loneliness is deadly: Fact—loneliness is as bad as smoking 15 cigarettes a day (Surgeon General).
• One real connection is enough: You don’t need many friends, just one true one.
• Be proactive:
  • “Call that person up you haven’t talked to in six months...the first 10 minutes are awkward ... the last 20 are going to be fantastic.” (46:31)
  • Invest in friendship for happiness, success, and longevity.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Invitations vs. Mandates

• Charles Duhigg [16:35]:

  “Inviting someone to talk to you and mandating that they talk to you are very different … The first feels like an invitation. The second is a demand … That puts you in a fight or flight response, which means you’re probably not going to have a productive conversation.”

On Demonstrating Active Listening

• Charles Duhigg [20:05]:

  “The best way that we show someone that they're important ... is by proving to them that we're listening ... That's the beginning of listening. But it’s not enough to actually show someone that you're listening. ... Not only am I listening to you, I'm thinking about what you're saying. I’m trying to process it.”

On Letting Go of Persuasion

• Charles Duhigg [44:26]:

  “The counterintuitive thing is to not try and be right ... If you and I ... both walk away still disagreeing ... but I understand how you see the world a little better ... that conversation has been a success.”

On the Power of One Connection

• Charles Duhigg [46:31]:

  “You don’t need to have 15 good friends. One good friend is enough ... If we have that one good friend, not only are we happier, we’re also more successful ... and people with friends live longer than people without friends.”

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [09:06] – Why “Supercommunicators” Exploded in Popularity
• [11:13] – Repair vs. Logistical Conversation: How to Tell
• [12:22] – How to Start a Hard Conversation
• [16:35] – Invitations vs. Mandates: The Path to Productive Dialogue
• [19:01] – The Role of “Mattering” in Connection
• [22:37] – Repairing Work Relationships: Feedback as an Invitation
• [25:45] – Diagnosing Fractures: Facts, Emotions, Identity
• [27:56] – Estrangement: Low-Pressure Messages and Mediums
• [31:17] – Boundaries: Navigating Hard Family Dynamics
• [40:11] – Signs a Relationship is Healing
• [42:40] – Habits & Rituals to Build Connection
• [44:26] – The Counterintuitive Skill: Don’t Try to Win the Conversation
• [45:51] – Connection as a Daily Practice: From Loneliness to Life
• [48:06] – Where to Find Charles Duhigg’s Work

Takeaways & Summary Reflections

• Communication is about understanding, not persuasion.
• The hardest conversations, when entered with genuine curiosity and invitation, often open the deepest connections.
• Small, regular rituals (coffees, calls), if driven by questions and curiosity, build trust and mattering over time.
• Letting go of the need to win or be right paves the way for real human connection, even (or especially) when we disagree.

“The secret to a life of deep purpose, connection, and impact is choosing to live like you matter—starting one conversation at a time.”
— John R. Miles [Opening & Closing Reflection]

For more, follow Charles Duhigg on his Substack newsletter or at charlesduhigg.com.