Why Your Relationship Keeps Repeating the Same Pattern | Gary John Bishop

Summary

Podcast Summary: The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes

Episode: "Why Your Relationship Keeps Repeating the Same Pattern" with Gary John Bishop
Release Date: July 10, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this enlightening conversation, Lewis Howes welcomes renowned author and personal development coach Gary John Bishop to discuss the persistent patterns that keep us stuck in unfulfilling relationships. Drawing from his latest book, Love Unfolds: Getting a Relationship Together, Gary shares candid personal stories and practical wisdom on breaking free from old relational habits, healing childhood wounds, and building authentic, fulfilling connections. The discussion delves into the origins of repeated patterns, the importance of self-responsibility, and actionable steps for transforming how we love others and ourselves.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Relationships Repeat the Same Patterns

[03:03-06:23]

• Gary observes that when people are truly struggling in a relationship, they've usually lost sight of when things began to go wrong.
• Early in a relationship, both partners "generate" the connection by putting forth effort and bringing their best selves.
• Over time, many shift focus to what the other is contributing, leading to unmet expectations and disappointment.
• Tolerating issues becomes commonplace; people put "black tape over the check engine light" in their relationships, failing to address early warning signs.

"Whatever you are tolerating in your relationship, you'll make it okay. Right. It's not great, but it's okay. And human beings have a tremendous capacity for making things that don't work somehow workable."
— Gary John Bishop [05:58]

2. From Generating to Observing Relationships

[06:23-08:31]

• Relationships decline as partners move from active participation to passive observing, often keeping score rather than being present.
• Authenticity is key: acting with the intention of changing another is, in essence, manipulation.

"The only people who are really, truly fascinated by the score in the game are the spectators. The people who are on the field... they're all about the next play."
— Gary John Bishop [07:34]

3. The Trap of Pleasing Others vs. Authentic Change

[08:31-10:26]

• Lewis shares a personal story of breaking a cycle of people-pleasing learned from his parents.
• Gary emphasizes the freedom in not making it your job to keep your partner happy, highlighting the mutual responsibility for one's own emotional state.

“It's not my job to make you happy.”
— Gary John Bishop [09:44]

4. How Childhood and Family Imprints Relationships

[11:21-14:50]

• Childhood scripts (models we love or hate from parents) shape how we approach love into adulthood.
• Gary discusses the impact of his own upbringing: labels of selfishness and a drive for independence became obstacles.

"Your relationship to your parents is all over your relationship. Right. And it's all over it in ways that you can't even see."
— Gary John Bishop [12:36]

5. Healing and Vulnerability

[16:50-23:08]

• Gary recounts the profound impact of finally telling his mother he loved her after decades of emotional distance, sparking a “love revolution” in his family.
• The act of expressing love openly altered the entire family dynamic and allowed him to bring real love into his marriage.

"I realized that I hadn't told my mom that I'd loved her since I was 12... And she said, 'I love you too, baby.'"
— Gary John Bishop [22:33]

6. Self-Responsibility, Blame, and Personal Growth

[25:30-32:15]

• Freedom and transformation come when we stop blaming circumstances or other people, and instead reflect on our own thoughts, decisions, and identity construction.
• Trauma and pain are perpetuated more by the stories we tell ourselves than by the incidents themselves.

“If you’re really interested in freedom, and I mean like legitimate inner peace… what you should really be looking at is what it was you decided after. That’s where it turned.”
— Gary John Bishop [26:47]

7. Authenticity, Identity, and ‘Imposter Syndrome’

[33:44-40:01]

• People become attached to facets of their identity (e.g., competitiveness, hard work) that may serve them professionally but become barriers in relationships.
• Lewis discusses his transformation from a competitive to a collaborative, service-oriented identity, leading to greater fulfillment.

“It's fine for this competitive expression, but not okay for you. And it's the you that I'm interested in. What matters to that thing?”
— Gary John Bishop [38:49]

8. The Power of Declaration and Integrity

[44:38-52:54]

• Commitment and lasting relationships hinge on the integrity of our word—not just to others, but especially to ourselves.
• The importance of vows and self-commitment, not just “getting along.” Consistently living up to what you say builds trust and power.

“A lifetime of constantly bending, shaping, and breaking your word to yourself will leave you with a diminished relationship to you.”
— Gary John Bishop [48:52]

9. Repeating Patterns: The Real Source

[55:29-59:32]

• We often enter relationships seeking someone to fix something unresolved within us, only to blame them when it doesn't work.
• The “common denominator” in every failed relationship is ourselves—thus, self-examination is key to breaking patterns.

"You go in there and they're the solution. And you end it with the notion that they were the problem. And what's consistent in all that is you."
— Gary John Bishop [56:51]

10. Completing Childhood to Transform Adulthood

[59:32-63:27]

• The significance of the “first 20 years”: our adult relationships and behaviors are echoes of childhood experiences unless we consciously work to heal and update them.
• Potential and identity are always available for reinvention in the present moment.

11. Bringing Love & Adventure as a Practice

[84:10-87:06]

• Fulfillment in relationships comes from bringing qualities like love and adventure yourself, not seeking or extracting them from your partner.
• Space, forgiveness, and acceptance of imperfections are essential to long-term happiness.

“I realized that two things that mattered to me in life were love and adventure. I realized that that was now my job in my relationship—to bring it, not to seek it, and to bring it because it's who I am.”
— Gary John Bishop [84:10]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Human beings have a tremendous capacity for making things that don’t work somehow workable—but then again comes that point where you’re looking around yourself and thinking, ‘This ain’t it.’” — Gary John Bishop [05:58]
• “It's not my job to make you happy.” — Gary John Bishop [09:44]
• “Your relationship to your parents is all over your relationship.” — Gary John Bishop [12:36]
• "If you want to be free, you've got to be responsible for the impact of who you were and realize you can make something new." — Gary John Bishop [29:14]
• “The only truth is the one you've agreed with.” — Gary John Bishop [90:05]
• “You are an unlimited potential, whether you believe that or not.” — Gary John Bishop [90:07]
• “Be kind.” — Gary John Bishop [90:08]
• “The meaning of life is to be alive.” — Alan Watts, referenced by Gary John Bishop [42:17]
• "Fulfillment in relationships comes when you bring qualities—like love and adventure—yourself, rather than always seeking them from others." — Lewis Howes/ Gary John Bishop synthesis [84:10]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [02:34] – Episode begins, introduction to Gary John Bishop and topic
• [03:03] – Why do relationships feel stuck and repeat old issues?
• [06:23] – Shifting from generating to observing relationships
• [08:31] – The trap of people-pleasing and authentic change
• [11:21] – Parental modeling and 'childhood junk' in relationships
• [16:50] – Healing through vulnerability and generational change
• [25:30] – Responsibility, identity, and childhood decisions
• [33:44] – Identity traits, imposter syndrome, and inner conflict
• [44:38] – Commitment, vows, and the power of integrity
• [55:29] – Why we attract (or seek) the same types of relationships
• [59:32] – Completing unfinished business from childhood
• [84:10] – Practical keys to lasting, fulfilling relationships
• [90:05] – Gary’s “Three Truths” for a meaningful life
• [92:12] – Definition of greatness

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Actionable Takeaways

• Examine Repeated Patterns: Reflect on how your childhood and upbringing silently shape your adult relationships.
• Take Self-Responsibility: Stop looking for others to fix your happiness or fill your voids; initiate healing yourself.
• Be Authentic: Abandon the habit of pleasing or manipulating in favor of honest, transparent communication.
• Heal Old Wounds: Address unresolved family issues directly; don’t let “old junk” control your present.
• Keep Your Word (to Yourself): Cultivate integrity. Your relationship with yourself is the foundation for all others.
• Bring, Don’t Seek, Qualities: Love, adventure, joy—bring them to your relationships rather than expecting your partner to provide them.
• Allow Imperfection: Make space for arguments, forgiveness, and the full human experience.
• Reinvent Yourself in the Present: Recognize you are not doomed to repeat your past; with self-awareness, you can always choose differently.

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Connect with Gary John Bishop

• Website: GaryJohnBishop.com
• Instagram: @garyjohnbishop
• Works: Love Unfolds and other bestselling books

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This episode is a must-listen for anyone seeking to understand why love can feel like déjà vu—and how to finally break free. Gary’s blend of tough love, vulnerability, and actionable wisdom offers a roadmap for transforming not just relationships, but the very experience of being alive.

Transcript

[Lewis Howes]

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Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest Gary John Bishop in the house. My man. Awesome Good to see you, brother.

[Gary John Bishop]

Good to see you, too.

[Lewis Howes]

You've had a lot of success over the years with many books, but this book, Love Unfolds. Getting a relationship together is a powerful one. And we were just talking about this beforehand. A lot of people feel stuck in their relationships.

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

And they get in the relationships and they'll stay in relations for years. And then something happens where they're like, it's not working.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right.

[Lewis Howes]

It's not working. Maybe it's a few years. Maybe it's 10 years, 20 years. They're thinking it's not working. They're trying to control the relationship. They're trying to change the person, trying to fix someone. And why do you think that so many people are stuck in relationships in this mindset?

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah. I think there's a couple of things. First of all, thanks for having me.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, man.

[Gary John Bishop]

But I think there's a couple of things. One of them is most often, by the time you're really struggling with it, you're now at the thick end of the wedge. So it started somewhere, though. It literally went off on a trail. And what happens, whereas in relationships is that trial's kind of okay at the beginning. You know, you're kind of going along. You're like, okay, I can manage this. It's not the way it was, but it's still good. There's still good things in it. We're still, you know, compatible or together, whatever. By the time you're really struggling with it, you've lost sight of where you took the turn. So a lot of the times with people, you got to begin with really addressing how you got where you are, but not in the kind of typical way you would explain that, like, you know, we don't get along anymore, or, you know, I got fired or my business went down. No, there was some fundamental shift in how you related to that other person. Once that starts to go that way, you're down the Suwannee.

[Lewis Howes]

Right. Because in the beginning, you're not in that space. You're in love, or you're connected, you're having fun, or you're intimate, or you're putting your best behavior on for the first year or two. Then all of a sudden, it starts to shift. Why does that shift happen for so many people?

[Gary John Bishop]

Well, at the beginning of a relationship, you're generating it.

[Lewis Howes]

You're generating the relationship.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. So you're bringing to the table. Right. You're constantly bringing to the table. That is a point, though, for many people, where you stop bringing to the table quite as Much. You're spending more time looking at what's on the table, which invariably becomes, what are they bringing?

[Lewis Howes]

What are they bringing to me?

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. So then that's when people start talking about, I'm not getting what I need and I'm not getting what I want. Well, it's kind of like standing in a supermarket and waiting for the groceries to jump into your trolley. Right. It doesn't quite work that way. You gotta go, you know, make something happen. It's kind of like, you know, having the check engine light on in your car. When the car breaks down, it's too late. You know, you should. You want to go back and see where that thing started at?

[Lewis Howes]

What is that flashing light? For six months it's been flashing. Yeah. Why don't you take it in?

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. Enough people are like, putting black tape over the top of it, like there's nothing wrong.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Gary John Bishop]

And that is what people do in relationships. They pretend what's not working is somehow okay. They'll overcome. Which all human beings are brilliant. Overcoming, but not great at transforming. Not great at dealing with what's actually in the way. They're great at overcoming it and overcoming it and overcoming it until it becomes too much.

[Lewis Howes]

Or just tolerating it.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right, Exactly. That's the big word. Right.

[Lewis Howes]

Maybe you're not overcoming it and transforming. You're tolerating the brokenness or the stress of it or whatever it might be.

[Gary John Bishop]

See, that's the problem with it, that whatever you are tolerating in your relationship, you'll make it okay. You'll make that thing okay. Right. It's not great, but it's okay. And human beings have a tremendous capacity for making things that don't work somehow workable. But then again comes that point where you're looking around yourself and thinking, this ain't it. There's something off here.

[Lewis Howes]

It's where people stop investing and bringing something to the table. And then there's a level of. I guess maybe there's some disrespectful words that are said every now and then that becomes okay. Or there was an apology, but then it's a continuum every few weeks. And then it's every day.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right.

[Lewis Howes]

And then you tolerate that.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right.

[Lewis Howes]

And then there's, you know, some physical abuse that was once. And then, okay, well, I'm just gonna let it slide this time. And then it becomes every month. And then whatever it might be or an explosion of emotions.

[Gary John Bishop]

It could be. And it could be simple things like there's no real intimacy anymore, or you go to the mall together or a movie together, and you don't hold your partner's hand or, you know, all those little kind of breakdowns become the norm. Right. Like there's just this kind of distance, and that distance comes from observing. So the more you're observing the relationship, I invite people to take the case. You're not in it, you're actually watching it. And you got to get that really, like in an experiential way. We spend a lot of time in our relationships watching what's going on and in an internal mechanism with ourself about how that's doing, which includes keeping score, of course.

[Lewis Howes]

Keeping score, right. Is that something we should or shouldn't do? Keep score?

[Gary John Bishop]

No, I mean, the only people are really, truly fascinated by the score in the game are the spectators. The people who are on the field. They're just playing. They're just. And I know they're aware of the score, but they're all about the next play, the next play, the next play, the next play, the next play. And that really is how it is in relationships. It's like, are you actively in it? And the one little caveat that I would add to that is a lot of people are in it and doing what they're doing, expecting something different. So they're still looking over there like, if I do this and I do that, it'll shift, it'll change, this will change.

[Lewis Howes]

Right? That won't change.

[Gary John Bishop]

That never works that way because it's not truly authentic. See, it's really a manipulation, which is. People hate hearing that word, you know, like, ah, I'm not manipulating. But if you just sit with that for a moment and say, yeah, I am doing this so that you'll be different or this will be different, and that'll never be the case.

[Lewis Howes]

My girlfriend Martha, who's amazing. In the beginning of our relationship, when we just started hanging out, we weren't like officially together or whatever, but we were dating and, you know, seeing other people but getting to know each other. I said to her at one point, I said, listen, I'm always good in the past in my relationships based on the model of my parents and what I witnessed growing up.

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

I repeated the model where I tried to please every relationship. I tried to change, to make someone happy when they were unhappy. And no matter how much I did or shifted or changed, they would still never make them happy.

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

Which made me feel miserable and upset and resentful and all these things. And I said, listen, I've been doing a lot of Healing work over this previous year on the inner child and relationships and all these different things that if we get together, I'm letting you know I'm never gonna do anything to please you. I'm never gonna shift or change. I'm never gonna change who I am. I freaking love it for you.

[Gary John Bishop]

I love it.

[Lewis Howes]

I will change or shift because I want to improve or because I'm aware that it's for the betterment of myself in the world. But I'm not gonna do anything to please you. We're gonna create agreements and connection and all these things. I'm not gonna give you my best, but if you're upset of who I authentically am, then you shouldn't be with me.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right?

[Lewis Howes]

We're not a good match.

[Gary John Bishop]

You need to get a T shirt done. And it says, it's not my job to make you happy.

[Lewis Howes]

That's true now.

[Gary John Bishop]

And I want people to get that in its purest sense. Right? Not like, you don't care for people. You don't love this person or you're not committed to this person. It doesn't mean any of that. It means. And I've really found a lot of freedom for this in my relationship to my own wife. Like, where she's at is okay. It's okay. Like, if my wife's upset, it's okay. It's not the end of the world. You know what I mean? And even if she's upset at me, it's okay. She's allowed, you know, she's got the freedom to be herself. And that includes for me, I don't make it my wife's job to keep me on an even keel. That's not her job.

[Lewis Howes]

That's your job.

[Gary John Bishop]

Exactly right. Because that's really the only job I can effectively do. That's really the only job you can effectively work and make it work for yourself. Where the real balance comes in for me, and I'm going to look from my own perspective from my wife, but where the real balance comes in for me is like, there's so much freedom in my relationship with my wife because the pressure's off. There's no pressure. It doesn't have to be a certain way.

[Lewis Howes]

It's amazing.

[Gary John Bishop]

And you'll see how much of that creeps in in your thinking. Like, it's supposed to be a certain way. And the real struggle is when you're caught in that no man's land from where it is to how it's kind of supposed to be in your mind. That's where the Struggle is so you're never really there for it. You're always pulling it somewhere or pushing it somewhere, and it's just a recipe for disaster. You know, we're really bad at relationships, if I'm going to be straight about it. You know, we're just bad at them.

[Lewis Howes]

We don't have the tools.

We've never been.

We weren't taught this growing up unless we just remodeled this from our parents. And like you said before, we either loved the model that our parents had

[Gary John Bishop]

or we hated it. Right.

[Lewis Howes]

We said we want to be like that or we never want to be like that.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. And that's all you've got.

[Lewis Howes]

That's it.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. So I'll kind of point out why both of them are flawed in their own way. Because some people think, well, you know, modeling my relationship on a good one would be a good thing to do. And I say, no. You're constantly holding your relationship to a

[Lewis Howes]

standard, to a judgment.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right.

[Lewis Howes]

This is where it's supposed to look.

[Gary John Bishop]

So it never gets to be itself. You never get to have the relationship you've got. And it's a failed policy. It doesn't work. It's like constantly comparing yourself to somebody else. It doesn't work. You have to be able to be yourself in relationship. And one of the things that I always kind of point people towards is say, when you're in relationship, you should be aware. And this is something you and I kind of discussed a little bit earlier. You should be aware. Whatever junk is incomplete for you from your childhood, it's coming up, and it's like trying to keep a beach ball under the water. Right. Like, you can't.

[Lewis Howes]

Can't stop it.

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah, yeah, it's coming.

[Lewis Howes]

What were the two or three biggest things that were junk for you from childhood that came up in your marriage in the last 26 years?

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah. So your relationship to your parents is all over your relationship. Right. And it's all over it in ways that you can't even see. So the big one that always come up for me was, you're selfish. Right.

[Lewis Howes]

You felt you were selfish. My partner, you would say you're selfish.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. Because that was my experience of growing up with one of my parents like that. They are selfish. Now, that's a perspective of a child. Was it true? When I look back, no. But that's what it was like for me as a kid.

[Lewis Howes]

That's how it felt. Yeah.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. And I had to really unpack that for myself as I got older. Like, wow, this is. It's really cancerous in my life. Like, it's a barrier between me and people I never. And it became a big barrier between me and particularly with my mom. Like, it was there between her and I through my teens that when I started to do work on myself, thankfully, I managed to get on the other side of that and really just love the mom that I had, like, fully and authentically love the mother I have. And my teen years, in my early 20s, that was not there, like, a possibility. It wasn't there. So that was a big one for me. And then, you know, the other one was my searing independence.

[Lewis Howes]

You wanted to be independent.

[Gary John Bishop]

I'm always like, I'm always trying to figure out my stuff. Myself. I need to figure out myself. Which, if you think of that in the context of a relationship, it's completely absurd, right? Like, here I am, committed to you. We got a problem. You sit there. I'll work this out. You know, I never fully was able to kind of be with my own fears and be with my own perceived inadequacies. Like, these things were, like, ruminating in the background of my thoughts. And, you know, me being stereotypically, culturally Scottish, you know, like, you know, I'll sort that out myself, which is a complete crap show, you know, but so those elements of that kind of, like I said, this kind of driven, independent and this kind of judgment of, you know, the way that you behave and how you shouldn't be that way and you should be more like this way had become a big obstacle. By the way, my wife and I were just dancing around it.

[Lewis Howes]

You weren't addressing it.

[Gary John Bishop]

No way. It's hard to see a relationship in terms of anything other than you and another person. When you start to see who you are in it, just take a start for a moment and say, who am I here? Who am I? Take away all your best efforts and all your positivity and all your justifications. Take away all that away and just look at it in a cold light of day. Say, who am I? Here? It's hard to tell yourself I'm judgmental and I'm cynical and I'm da, da, da. But if you look, you'll see that playing out. You'll see it playing out right in front of your face. And that paradigm and that way of thinking. My wife never stood a chance.

[Lewis Howes]

Wow.

[Gary John Bishop]

Not a chance. You have no hope against what I'm driven to do until I saw what I'm driven to do.

[Lewis Howes]

What made you wake up and see

[Gary John Bishop]

that I'd actually started to come to Terms with how one of my endearing traits, if you like, is I'm hard working. Okay. So I will grind at, you know, I'll just see this thing through, you know? But what I really struggled with was vulnerability and love. Like, I couldn't love this woman fully. I couldn't. All I could do was show her that I cared about by working harder. Right. Like, you'll never have to worry about anything. I'm just gonna keep grinding it out and grinding. And it was myopic. It was like, you know, these blinkers on.

[Lewis Howes]

How long did it take for you to realize you couldn't love her?

[Gary John Bishop]

Oh, I mean, I was convinced I was loving her.

[Lewis Howes]

But she didn't feel like you were loving her.

[Gary John Bishop]

No. Because, you know, she's from a very similar background. And, like, so culturally, you're very influenced. You're very influenced culturally. And so whatever you came out of, you're either gonna reflect that or rebel against it. You're gonna be one or the other. And so I reflected a lot of that. Kind of Glasgow, kind of cultural tough,

[Lewis Howes]

you know, that's who I am. Yeah, you identified. That's your identity. Yeah.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. And the big breakthrough came for me when I realized, and it was amazing. I'll never get over this. Right. And it happened 15 years ago, and I'll never get over it when I realized that I hadn't told my mom that I'd loved her since I was 12.

[Lewis Howes]

Wow.

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Why didn't you tell her?

[Gary John Bishop]

Because I'd went from being a player in my own family to becoming a spectator. I'd gone from being on the field and I'd taken one too many knocks and I thought I'm coming at and I didn't consciously do it. It's just kind of where I went. And so telling my mom that I loved her was like. It just. I remember being a kid and telling my mom I loved her. I remember holding her leg and I remember holding her hand. And I remember all of that stuff. And then I just remember, like, me here, her there. And now I'm just going to kind of observe the job she's doing. And it was not a great observation. It was not a great commentary. It was a judgment, big time, in my opinion, about what she should have been doing, how she should have been parenting me and how I should be raised, and da, da, da, da, da, da, da. And I'm just a kid, which is all fine, but it had an impact, of course. And the impact was, I'm here, you're there, and never the twine shall meet. When I realized not only that, but how that had played out now, who I'd become, I realized this was a time in my life when I used to. I'd call my mom every week, but it was, you know, how you doing? You know, the neighbor's dogs barking.

[Lewis Howes]

Right.

[Gary John Bishop]

You know, the weather's terrible.

[Lewis Howes]

There was no intimacy. There was no vulnerability. Yeah.

[Gary John Bishop]

Nothing. It was like a check. Checking through the boxes. And I called her up and I said, hey, how are you doing? She goes, yeah, I'm good. And I said, I need to talk to you. She goes, okay. You know, she's completely indifferent to whatever the heck I'm saying. And I goes, I said to her, I'm sorry. And there was like, a silence. She said, for what? I said, I judged you for the way you raised me. She's silent. And then I said to her, I never knew what it was like for you. She's still silent. And I said, I love you. And I could, like, the last word. I'm getting moved by it right now. Like, the last words are coming out my mouth and, like, my lips trembling. And she said, I love you too, baby.

[Lewis Howes]

Wow. Oh, my gosh. Did she tell you she loved you in between this time?

[Gary John Bishop]

No. We had both had this kind of thing, you know.

[Lewis Howes]

How old were you when this happened?

[Gary John Bishop]

40.

[Lewis Howes]

So you spent 28 years not telling her.

[Gary John Bishop]

Wow. And so it all. I'm like, sobbing like it's all coming. And I really got, like, my job from that point. I got how I wasn't a loving man.

[Lewis Howes]

Wow.

[Gary John Bishop]

That was the truth. I wasn't a loving man. I could be your partner, but don't expect me to love you.

[Guest or Sponsor Voice]

Wow.

[Gary John Bishop]

And then when that just started to gush out, like, now I could just freely love my wife. It was like the gates were open, and I started this revolution. And my family, it was crazy. I've got three older sisters, you know, and so I called Them all up. I haven't been telling you I love you, and I love you. And they're all like, what the hell? Who are you? What's going on with you? And I'm like, I just go, like, I don't tell the people in my life who matter to me how much I truly love them. Not like, just, I love you. Like, you know, truly love them. And a couple of my sisters, in fact, all my sisters initially were like,

[Lewis Howes]

something's wrong with you, right?

[Gary John Bishop]

Something's up. And one of my sisters actually said to me, I told her what happened with my mom, and she says, what, are you on her side now?

[Lewis Howes]

Mm.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right, man. So I got. Cause there's this narrative. There's a story in my family about who the good ones are and who the bad ones are and all that stuff. And I just said, no, I've really got that. I'm a loving man. Like, I want to love people. I'm not interested in who's right anymore. I don't care. And that I love you. And so one of my sisters was like, she would stop picking the phone up to me, right? And so she didn't have a cell phone or anything. It was only her home phone, you know? And I remember, like, one time I called the woman next door. I called her neighbor. Cause I had that, like, an emergency contact. And I told her to go in and tell her there's an emergency. Because she wouldn't pick the phone up to me. And she had to go into the neighborhood. She's like, yeah. I go, it's me. She's like, you know, what do you want? And so I told her at the time, I said, you know, you have no say in whether I love you or not, and you're not allowed to fall out with me over this. And she was, like, dumbfounded. You know, she's like, what do you mean? I can't fall out you? I'm like, no, it's not allowed. I love you, and that's it. And so now, after all that time telling the people in my family that I love them, and them telling me that is a regular occurrence, and it spread through the family like wildfire. I literally, you know, I talk about it like, I started this love revolution in my family, you know? And it's real for me now. It's, like, real for me, my wife. It's real for me with my children. It's real for me in my work. Like, I authentically love people. It's not something I have to muster up. It's a self expression.

[Lewis Howes]

What shifted for you after that? What did you start to experience in your life in the last, I guess, 15 years since you started that journey?

[Gary John Bishop]

My life works. It works. I'm guided by something I'm not a skin bag of feelings. Like there's some purpose to my life

[Lewis Howes]

before where there's no purpose.

[Gary John Bishop]

It's just hard work, you know, just work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work. But there's not me in it. There's only this identity that I've become. And the identity that you become as a human being is a function of all the little subtle decisions you made all the way there. So there's these little movements. You have no sense as a human being of consciously constructing the self. But you did, right? That's the reality. You made this machine.

[Lewis Howes]

Yes.

[Gary John Bishop]

Now you don't know you made it, but if you can do that kind of work where you start to see, like, oh, I did that. I changed my thinking there. I did this, I did this. I've become this. When you're in that kind of thought process, there's nobody to blame. It doesn't matter what happened. Like, it matters to the degree that it matters to you. But if you're really interested in freedom, and I mean like legitimate inner peace.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Gary John Bishop]

If you're interested in freedom, you'll look at the incidents. Okay. But what you should really be looking about, what it was you decided after, that's where it turned.

[Lewis Howes]

The challenging thing is most of us don't have the tools to understand how to process them.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right, Right.

[Lewis Howes]

Until we figure out those tools. And that might be breakdown after breakdown after breakdown. It might be, you know, getting injured or losing relationships or loss of job over and over, or just feeling like, why is my life feeling stuck and something's off consistently where you're like, okay, I need to find some solutions. Unless we're taught this at an earlier age, it's like, we gotta go through this the hard way.

[Gary John Bishop]

Yes. For sure. There's only two changes you'll ever make in your life. It's the ones that you've discovered for yourself or the ones that you're forced to make. That's it. There's nothing else.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Gary John Bishop]

It's either what you've seen for yourself and what you're forced. It's kind of getting shoved in your face. Right. Like, it's right there, which is a lot of my work. You know, I present people with something that you're either gonna try and escape from or you're gonna push through but you should know that if you're trying to escape from it, it's still there. You know? Like, it's amazing how folks, when you confront something as serious as this, they will fight for their misery.

[Lewis Howes]

Absolutely.

[Gary John Bishop]

They'll fight for it. They will argue with you for it. Like, I'll say something like this. I'll say, it's not what happened to you, it's what you decided after. And they'll say, no, no, it's what happened to me. And I'll say, no, it's what you decided after. And they'll say, no, no, no, it's what happened to me. Because if that hadn't happened, then I wouldn't have had that thought after. And I'll say, well, no, there's 50,000 thoughts you could have had after you had that one.

[Lewis Howes]

And you held onto it, and you

[Gary John Bishop]

held onto it, and you constructed from there. The benefit of you seeing something like that is, oh, I made the beast. Now, if I made the beast, then I can at the very least come to terms with the beast. But I could create something else. Like, I have a profound ability to create who the heck I am. You can't get there until you confront and deal with the impact of who you've been. If you can't confront and deal with the impact of who you've been, then it's just like shellac on top of nonsense like that. You'll never have the breakthrough that you're really after.

[Lewis Howes]

How did you deal with the impact at that age?

[Gary John Bishop]

Well, it was devastating. Cause it's carnage. It's. It's corny. It's like, what did I do?

[Lewis Howes]

Who did I hurt? Or how do I impact people in a negative way?

[Gary John Bishop]

Right? And then. So if you're not fully responsible in that stage of things, you'll take yourself down another rabbit hole. You got to kind of be flat about it. So one of the ways that I did it is this whole notion of who's to blame. So it's a massive part of our makeup as human beings. So if you start with the idea that blame is the anchor to the past, so you're either blaming yourself or somebody else. And that thing, this thing about who's to blame will ruin you. Like, it will ruin you, right? And I just got like, there's nothing to blame. There's no one to blame. Everybody was doing what they were doing at the time, given their logic. And I responded in a way that I responded given my logic. I'm not making that. Okay. I'm not making A case for any of that, I'm just getting. And that's what's so. And when I could get it that flat, like, that's what's so. I noticed there was no charger on it for me. Like, nothing. Even people who have done, quote unquote, really bad things in my life, like, really bad things. That was their logic at the time. As flawed as it was, as messed up as it was. Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

Not saying it's okay. Not saying no. I wish you experienced it again.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. No. And I went through a similar thing in my childhood where there was sexual abuse involved. It didn't happen a ton of times, but it happened. And I look back and it. Like when I could see that person's humanity, I wasn't making an excuse for them. I'm not making that. Okay. But suddenly they were no longer the devil.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah. And I think it's figuring it away, like you said, not being emotionally charged to a thought or a memory. Because when we are charged emotionally or triggered to a memory or an experience, experience or event, or we see something that reminds us of that, it pulls us back into fear as opposed to leading us into love. Leading us into a vision greater than the pain or the suffering or the hurt. And we have a decision every moment. Do we want to be triggered by our past experiences, or do we want to be healed of the past experiences and focus on a mission greater than the past?

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. That's great. I mean, if you were to sit down and write a. All the stuff that happened and it filled 10 pages.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Gary John Bishop]

There's probably only three things in it that are what happened. The rest of it is your interpretation of that, your extrapolation, your interpretation. The kind of juice that gets added to it. Most of what's got you is all that stuff, what happened. They're like that thing that thing did,

[Lewis Howes]

the story about what happened is what kind of holds us back.

[Gary John Bishop]

Well, yeah, because, you know, you're inextricably linked to that language. So however you've captured it for yourself, you're. And there's lots of different fields that would break this down for you, but the connection between what you say and how you feel is just there. Right, right. And so you are tied to all of that language. Right. Like I used to say, there was this kid at school who bullied me, and it was relentless and it was incessant, and it was every other day, and it was cruel, and it was da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Right. And then I went with, well, there was this kid who Used to say things, which is just because that's actually what happened.

[Lewis Howes]

You can either believe what he was

[Gary John Bishop]

saying or you don't have to believe me. All the damage was in how that was kind of captured for me in

[Lewis Howes]

language, how you held onto it.

[Gary John Bishop]

Very good. So then I got to the point where, like, I really realized how attached I'd become to the narrative. Like, attached to the narrative because it justified this. That narrative justified and explained this. And so I was no longer able to get free of this because I was so attached to that narrative. And so when I broke that down for myself and was able to get a little bit of space about it and really bring a sense of nothingness to it, like, as cruel as it might sound. So what?

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, exactly. You know, why do you think it's so hard for us to be 100% authentic in relationships?

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah. If you ask somebody about your characteristics, your personality, for instance, what your strengths might be, that's what you've come across that you feel as if is a good machinery to make it in this life. Right. So this is like, you know, maybe I'm charismatic, maybe I'm hardworking. Maybe I'm analytical. Maybe I'm, you know, competitive. Maybe I'm. These ways, somewhere along the lines of your life, you realized this would be a good thing. And this gets me a little further forward. Very good. So then there I am in life being this way, and the more successful it is, the more I'm going to be this way. So now I'm more and more and more like this, to the point where there's no distinction between this thing and me. Like, we're the same now. There's no line anywhere. It's just all how you would explain yourself. Now, what you also realize, though, is that those ways don't work everywhere. And so what people call imposter syndrome is basically just the realization that your shtick don't stick. Like, you're like, my stuff don't work here. And so people are like, oh, I feel like I'm an imposter. Well, you are in many ways, but not in the way you might think you are an imposter. There's a you there doing another you, but behind that, you really is you.

[Lewis Howes]

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So how do we get behind that? You, how do we break down the thing that's been working for so long but maybe won't continue to work in the next revolution?

[Gary John Bishop]

If I'm, for instance, competitive. Right. And it's a trait of mine and it's stood me in good stead and I've created a life from that and maybe some success from that. Or in my case, hard working. Right. But it could be other things, could be analytical and it could be, and this is obviously a kind of, these are ways of being. This is an ontological element. Right. Or the element of being a human being. So if I'm competitive, I can point to all the places where that's really done me, done me well. Right. Sports, maybe. Or maybe I'm in sales. Right. Or maybe I'm, you know, like I'm building my own business. Right. I mean, these are, this is a strength here. Right? Yeah. Try taking that home in relationships.

[Lewis Howes]

It doesn't work.

[Gary John Bishop]

It's a crap show. Right. Like, it's like, this is not going to work for me.

[Lewis Howes]

You know what's fascinating? I would say I define my identity, a piece of my identity most of my life as a competitor.

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

Right. Being in sports.

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

And using sports as a tool to make myself feel better, to prove the bullies wrong from childhood and all those things and say, I'm going to make something of myself, I'm going to win at all costs in sports and things like that. I started early in my 20s to translate that into business. And it worked in a sense.

[Gary John Bishop]

Yes.

[Lewis Howes]

But it left me feeling more, I don't know, against people than it was with people.

[Gary John Bishop]

All right. Can I ask you a question?

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. So there you are. And you were having an experience that this competitiveness actually wasn't working for you.

[Lewis Howes]

Right?

[Gary John Bishop]

Right.

[Lewis Howes]

It was Getting results in some way, but not results in the other way.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. So you're starting to see something there, though, that's really interesting. I mean, that is. Here you are being yourself. But hold on a minute.

[Lewis Howes]

As this myself, and why am I suffering inside? And why am I going through these challenges?

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. So I want to know is, what's the thing that's suffering then? Like, what's that?

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, I guess it was the identity that this isn't working. Like, who I am or the way I'm being isn't working fully. It's working partially to get certain results, but it's not creating peace inside.

[Gary John Bishop]

All right. So I would flip it the other way. I would flip it the other way. Look at it from the other direction. That is. It's fine for this competitive expression, but not okay for you.

[Lewis Howes]

Absolutely.

[Gary John Bishop]

And it's the you that you. That I'm interested in. I'm interested in that. Because that thing right there, what matters to that thing? And so you actually pointed to it. So the thing that mattered to you then was people.

[Lewis Howes]

Absolutely.

[Gary John Bishop]

But you see how that competitiveness was now the barrier between you.

[Lewis Howes]

Absolutely.

[Gary John Bishop]

And people.

[Lewis Howes]

And when I learned the word collaboration and fully, like, was like, oh, you can thrive and accomplish and improve and make an impact through collaboration.

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

More than through competition.

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

And you can feel more connected through collaboration and more. You can experience more love and support as opposed to it's me versus the world type of feeling.

[Gary John Bishop]

I really just got you there. I just really got you, like, your trajectory. I really got it. That was what a burden you've had to carry.

[Lewis Howes]

It was a weight for so long because it was working. In a sense, it was getting results. But then at the inside, I was like, why am I still suffering or feeling pain or feeling stress or anxiety? Why can't I sleep at night?

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

So it wasn't until I hit about 30 when I learned the idea of collaboration and shifted from I need to be number one and the best and grow the fastest and the biggest to I want everyone else to shine with me. How can we all rise together? And that's when I started this show. And I said, I'm gonna put the light on everyone else.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. What's interesting about what you're saying, though, is what's now driving you is who you really are.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Gary John Bishop]

Service, which always comes down to that.

[Lewis Howes]

Absolutely.

[Gary John Bishop]

I don't care who you are, what you're doing. Everyone's purpose is to be of use. Can I be of use?

[Lewis Howes]

Yes.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. Like, can I? Will I Die and say, I made a difference. Absolutely right. And I don't care what you're doing, how you're doing it. If you can't take all the layers away and get to that. And you need to get to it because it shapes everything you're doing.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Gary John Bishop]

And if you. And you know, to use a well used term that asked this kind of like the ego, ego wants what it wants and what it needs and what. And you might get some success with that, but you will never be happy with that. You'll never be saddled with that. And it's your job as a human being to actually disappear. And I really mean it like that, like to disappear. Your addiction to that and to get grounded in you. Where's your true north? Like, where are you? What's your expression? If you take away all the fear, if you take away all the armor that you've built and realize that what needs to get out is way more powerful than anything you've put up to protect yourself.

[Lewis Howes]

Right.

What needs to get out? Meaning what?

[Gary John Bishop]

You, right? The you that you started with. See, look, when you started this life, like all human beings like me, like everybody watching or listening to this right now, if you go around a two year old or a three year old or a five year old, they're tremendously robust.

[Lewis Howes]

Yes.

[Gary John Bishop]

Like robust. Like they get upset by things, but then they're like, okay, next thing, like when you get to 30, you're like wounded, you're like, oh for the love of God, you know what I mean? But when you're little, like that, like, if you've ever been around kids at like two ontologically, that is their self expression, their ways of being are vast.

[Lewis Howes]

Yes.

[Gary John Bishop]

And they can be lots of different ways. And it's crazy. You watch them flip from one and you're like, oh my God, that's manic. But you used to be that way. You used to be that, like fully there. Over time, one decision after another, it's getting narrower and narrower and narrower such that by the time you reach your late teens, you're pretty much just heading there now. And a lot of what I've done with people is to get them back to that spot of like unabashed aliveness, you know, like, I'm just here to be alive. Which is what the philosopher Alan Watts said. You know, the meaning of life is to be alive. There's nothing else. It's just to go and run with this meat bag, you know, and make it do some wild things and then it's over. You know, and you know, people have got their views about the rest of that stuff, but. But really for me, that's it. It's like to realize first the constraint, what am I constrained by? What am I locked in by? And it's not people, it's not circumstances. Not that. It's you. What about you? And then beyond that is a life of wonder. And it's not like, it's all like, oh, you know, this is amazing and I'm amazing and you're amazing. No, there's still trials and tribulations and all that other stuff and problems and yeah, that's all part of the deal. But what's different is who's now doing it, Right?

[Lewis Howes]

Who's doing it? And how are you showing up differently?

[Gary John Bishop]

Very good. How am I showing up?

[Lewis Howes]

Which part of you is showing up?

[Gary John Bishop]

Is it the junk or something else?

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, exactly. You've been in a, you know, you've been in this marriage and relationship for 26 years. Right. How long were you dating before?

[Gary John Bishop]

No, I literally asked my wife to marry me after just a matter of weeks.

[Lewis Howes]

Wow.

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah. Then you got married that year, year later. We waited a year.

[Lewis Howes]

But I'm curious, then you've been in the relationship for a long time. Obviously 27 years total. Now, I'm assuming you've met a lot of people who've been married and who've been divorced.

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

And I'm also assuming you probably have some friends who've been married for 20, 30, 40 years that you're in contact with. What do you see is the difference maker for healthy, long lasting love for decades versus those that stay married a long time but aren't happy and those that eventually get divorced.

[Gary John Bishop]

I think the statistics are something like 50%. Right. So 50% of all marriages end in divorce. The illusion is that the 50% that are left are happy.

[Lewis Howes]

No, they're not.

[Gary John Bishop]

No, they're not.

[Lewis Howes]

Maybe 15% or something.

[Guest or Sponsor Voice]

Maybe.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. And we don't really know. I mean, like, if you went and polled everybody, you might be even shocked.

[Lewis Howes]

5% or maybe.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. Gosh.

[Lewis Howes]

Why are they so challenging to be healthy and happy long term for so many people?

[Gary John Bishop]

Well, I think part of the deal is the bar's very low. So the bar, something like we get along. Right. Like that's it. I've got T shirts I get along with, you know?

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gary John Bishop]

So then what's it really all about? If that's the struggle, if the struggle is to get along, like I said, that's a very low bar.

[Lewis Howes]

Get along with lots of people.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right, right. I mean, I get along with the person who, you know, makes my coffee at Starbucks. Right. You know, I mean, but really what I've found to be the case, and I'm not looking at particular people, for example, but I'm going to look at what keeps a human being involved in anything. Why does somebody. So I love to play guitar. Why? Because I engage with that thing. I'm curious about that thing. I want to get better at that thing. I like how it feels when I accomplish something in that thing. If you take that in any aspect of your life, the same thing holds true. So my relationship with my wife is a function of who I am in it. And I need to keep bringing that to it. There's no time when this is a done deal. You know, I have to keep showing up here. Not for like, for longevity, which is, I think, where a lot of people get messed up. People look at the relationship like, well, I can't do this for the rest of your life. The rest of my life. And I'm like, well, you don't have to.

[Lewis Howes]

You just do it today.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. It's like being on a diet. I don't need to go on a diet for three months. I just need to be on it right now. And that is moment to moment to moment to moment to moment. Because that's really all you have. But so what I do notice is that the areas of life where you are flourishing most, there is some profound relationship you have between what you say and what you do. There's a profundity at play. So if you look at any area you're successful, you are literally doing what you said you would do. Even when what I don't feel like it. Yeah, right. Marriage is the same. Marriage is the same marriage. And I talk about this in the book. I say, especially in the Western world. But you look at. And I'm using marriage as kind of model, but applies to all relationships. Yes. But in a marriage there's a ceremony, there's this coming together where you make

[Lewis Howes]

an agreement, a commitment.

[Gary John Bishop]

Very good.

[Lewis Howes]

And you use words.

[Gary John Bishop]

And it's a vow. Right. And I talk about the bankruptcy of the vow in a marriage. Because nobody vows anything anymore.

[Lewis Howes]

Or they vow it, but they don't

[Gary John Bishop]

live up to the well, because they don't have a relationship to a vow. So we're not going around our life going, I'll vow to meet you at three o'. Clock. Nobody's saying that. But 200 years ago, when you vowed something, the American Declaration of independence is just people vowing they brought something, any existence on the strength of what they said. Yes, there was no fighting. Well, there was some fighting, but they created a nation from words.

[Lewis Howes]

Right?

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. I mean, that's what that is. That's like. Well, it was a declaration. Right. We're declaring we're independent. Well, what do you mean you're independent? Well, we just declared it. So we are. And we vow our lives and our sacred honor. And most of those people literally gave their life for that. They literally gave the life to that promise. I bet they were scared.

[Lewis Howes]

Absolutely.

[Gary John Bishop]

I bet they were intimidated. But their word was greater than that experience of themselves. That's the same in any area of your life. You have to start realizing that what you say is a big deal. And what you say to yourself is a big deal. A lifetime of constantly bending, shaping, and breaking your word to yourself Will leave you with a diminished relationship to you. You'll never do great things because somewhere in there you think you're full of it. Because you've broken your word to yourself so many times, you're out of integrity with yourself. Very good. There's no power to those words anymore.

[Lewis Howes]

What happens when we are out of integrity so consistently with ourself or even one time with our. What happens to ourselves?

[Gary John Bishop]

Well, I mean, you gotta start relating to what you say like it's important. Just like it's important. Start there. I said I was gonna. And this is important, not because the thing's important, but what I said to myself and my relationship to that thing is what's important.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Gary John Bishop]

So any area in life, like I said earlier, where you're powerful or successful, you'll see you have a very strong relationship to what you said. Very strong one.

[Lewis Howes]

Sometimes you're committed to that thing.

[Gary John Bishop]

There's just no question for you. Like, it's on like Donkey Kong. You're just doing it.

[Lewis Howes]

Why is it easier in some areas of life than it is in others to be consistent with what you say and what you want to do?

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. And that's eventually. It's great that you kind of put it that way. Because that's the path you'll follow. But the real strength of you is when you can say something like, for instance, when I was in my mid-40s, I said, I'm going to produce authentic wealth.

[Lewis Howes]

What's the difference between authentic and inauthentic?

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah, I'm doing it for that, not for anything about me. Which was wild for me because everything up to that point about money was all about fixing Something about me or my life. And I was just doing it to see if I could do it, which I'd never done before. And I'd never fully given it that attention, like, just for that. And so I put a number on it, which was a crazy number for that time in my life. Like, crazy number.

[Lewis Howes]

Like, for your 40s and what. How much you wanted to make.

[Gary John Bishop]

I was 45. Yeah. And I said, I'm going to do it. I'm going to use my 50s for that, and I'm going to produce it. Right. I produced it by the time I was 52. And I only really started when I was 48. So I did it really fast.

[Lewis Howes]

The amount of money that you wanted,

[Gary John Bishop]

the amount of money that I said. But it was wild because I had no attachment to it.

[Lewis Howes]

What do you mean?

[Gary John Bishop]

Like, there was no emotion in it for me. There was no desperation, no, like, I got to do it and no burning. It was just like I said I was gonna do it and I'm doing it. So I ended up with this really kind of flat relationship between my words and my actions. Like, it was flat. There were days when I felt like doing it, and there were days when I didn't feel like doing it. But the interesting thing for me was when I declared that when I said I was gonna do it, like the Declaration of Independence, I had no idea how I was gonna do something like that. I don't know how you even. I'm not a money guy. You know, I'm not. But now it's game on. Because I created the top of the mountain in my speaking. So I spoke the top of the mountain in existence.

[Lewis Howes]

And then you figured out how along the way.

[Gary John Bishop]

But that's now the game. Now the game. People say, well, you know, how do you even do such. I think, well, that's the first question. How do you even do such a thing? And you might have to engage with that question for two years or three years or four years, but you gotta be actively resolving some of that stuff for yourself. Well, it's the same in love. Like, I'm committed to the most loving, passionate and adventurous relationship that's possible. That's the top of the mountain. The top of the mountain speaks to me every day. I can tell whether I'm walking that path or not that influences this. It's not even necessarily about that. It's more about what that does with us. Well, how does that shape me today? How does that. Am I lining up with what I said or not? And if I'm not. I might have a lot of reasons, excuses and justifications for that, but at the same time, am I going to treat that like it matters to me? Or am I going to just be like, well, you know, so far so good. Or it's been a tough week or you know, there's a lot in my mind. Or, you know, or you're being a jerk. Why am I loving with you? Because I said I would and that's what matters to me. Yes, that's what matters. That I said I would matters to me.

[Lewis Howes]

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me that the key to his success in relationships was 80% of it was who you choose.

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

80% of the relationship success is, you know, how you match well with the person you're choosing.

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

You only spent, I guess, a year with the person that you chose.

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

Did you know that when you were choosing this person, do you were like, okay, I feel like we're gonna be in a great alignment with our values and our vision and our lifestyle. Or was it more of just a feeling that you felt connected to this person and you decided, I did what everybody does.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. What everybody does is they get in a relationship because they feel as if this person resolves something about themselves. That's what I did. And so there was something about this woman that I thought, wow, like, being with her, everything seems right. Like, I feel good about me.

[Lewis Howes]

I didn't feel good in talking about her.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. Like, there's something getting fixed here. So, no, I'm not that pragmatic, and I think most people aren't that pragmatic. And I think there's an illusion out there that somehow you'll find the one. And really, I feel as if the job is to explore what's possible between you and this person, whoever that person is, and their potential and your potential. And so it was less about having, like, finding something that matched up with me, which I don't know if that would work for me. Might work for some people, but I don't know if that would work for me. What was really captivating for me at the time was being with her had me feel a lot better about me. And I think I really fundamentally believe that that's what most people go into relationships for.

[Lewis Howes]

Is that the right thing to look at or is it.

[Gary John Bishop]

No, that's an absolute.

[Lewis Howes]

It's a recipe. Because then you're always relying on that person to make you happier.

[Gary John Bishop]

Well, because whatever that thing is that they satisfy for you is something you haven't sorted out for yourself yet.

[Lewis Howes]

Right. So eventually you're gonna have to do that. Otherwise you're always needing that from someone else.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. So you go in there and they're the solution. And you end it with the notion that they were the problem.

[Lewis Howes]

Ah, wow.

[Gary John Bishop]

And what's consistent in all of that is you, right? I mean, I don't know if anybody's ever noticed this, but in every crappy relationship you've ever had, it's got one common denominator.

[Lewis Howes]

That's you, right?

[Gary John Bishop]

It's always you.

[Lewis Howes]

It was a big awakening I had after my previous relationship ended. I was like, man, it's been 10, 15 years of relationships that started and then that crumbled in some way or that fell apart. And the core of all those things was me, right? Was my choices, was my getting into attracting those relationships, was this commitment to those relationships, was the unwinding of those relationships. And so why was I choosing these types of relationships? What was unresolved within me that I get to take a look at now? Or am I going to keep repeating this pattern until I address the thing inside of me?

[Gary John Bishop]

Right? So what's great about your kind of pathway? If you like, you can't. First of all, you've got to be able to look at that distinct from blame, right? I know a lot of people just heard what you said and thought, well, what if it is them? Right? I know a lot of you people sitting there right now going, dang it, I did say that to myself. And I say, well, if you take away, who's to blame? And so sometimes people say stuff like, why do I keep attracting these kinds of people? And I say, well, what if it's not attraction? What if you are literally looking for them? What if it's. You're seeking something about that person that initially solves what you're dealing with, right? But will allow it to keep perpetuating, like it keeps showing up and showing up. I call that an identity relationship. There's something about you, and it's the same for the other person, that when you get past all the stuff, whatever's incomplete will keep getting activated there or keep showing up. So when you start to see it like, oh, these are just two human beings doing what human beings do, then it's not personal, which is radical. When you get it like that, it's not personal. It's not personally them, personally me. These are just two beings trying to work this out and work what will essentially work themselves out. So that's why I obsess with people. The greatest work you'll ever do, you'll ever do is to get complete with your first 20 years of life.

[Lewis Howes]

So true.

[Gary John Bishop]

First 20 years. Because everything after that is a reflection of it. I spent 20. I spent 26 years in Glasgow. 26 years. I've been longer here, and I still identify with that. Like, it's me, but I've been longer here. And it's some of the colloquialisms and the traditions. And like, I identify with that because it became so imprinted. You know, in my second book, I talked about, you're the little magic sponge, and you're not soaking up all of life, you're soaking up the bits. And then when you hit about 20, that little sponge just hardens. And whatever's in there, that's it. It's in there. And that's what you use that logic. And until you awaken to that and realize that all of that, that's. There is really only a potential you. There's so much more. If you think about it like quantum physics, like multiple universes, endless universes, all happening at the same time, multiple potentials. Well, that's every second of your life. Every second of your life, there's a myriad of potential use that could be talking right now. And what you typically do is the you that you did the second before and the second before. And so it perpetuates until you get aware, until you start to be like, oh, I'm not stuck with this. I could literally be somebody else. When right now, Right now. I could be somebody else right now. I could say something else.

[Lewis Howes]

How many things did you realize in your first 20 years of life that you needed to deal with or face or integrate a healing journey?

[Gary John Bishop]

I think all of it. I really think all of it, I think I had to come to terms with, like, when I was really young, I felt as if I was too small. Built in underneath with that was, I'm not strong.

[Lewis Howes]

Right. I'm weak. I'm not enough. I'm being done. I'm.

[Guest or Sponsor Voice]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

So there's all of that, and then I'm not lovable. And then.

[Gary John Bishop]

Then there's a whole. And then for me, it was, I'm not smart enough.

[Lewis Howes]

That was my two.

[Gary John Bishop]

I'll never be smart enough. So, see, that's the thing with these things. At that part of your life, it's not that I'm not lovable or I'm not smart enough or I'm not strong enough. It's that I'll never be that way. I'll never be that way.

[Lewis Howes]

It seems daunting. Like you'll.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right, right. So all of your Persona and your personality is designed for you to overcome that. But that can't go away. Because if that goes away, if you've based your whole personality on that.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah, Your identity is based on that.

[Gary John Bishop]

Now you're just facing a crisis. Because now it's like everything that I base myself on, what if it's not true? Then who am I? And people go nuts with that stuff. And I say, well, take a breath and think of it like who you are is a moment of time. And in any moment of time, there's the possibility of you expressing something new that you've never expressed before.

[Lewis Howes]

Right.

[Gary John Bishop]

Something that's not based on anything other than the moment you're in. It's not based on a previous logic, it's not based. It's like literally an opportunity for you to show up as something new of your own creation. Everybody has the possibility, everybody has the opportunity for that. And it is a way of living life. And it's not like, oh, this guy's found a secret to everything. No, I'm a human being too. I'm wired a certain way. It's there. Now the question is, how aware of that am I? And how responsible can I be for that playing out in my life? Am I going to own that or is that going to own me? And that's the space we all want to be in. It's a space called choice, and it's a real choice.

[Lewis Howes]

What do you wish you would have done differently in the first few years of your relationship with your wife? Would you have had different conversations? Would you have created different agreements to cause less kind of friction or pain or stress in the first decade? I guess until you started to unwind your identity and tap more into this loving being as opposed to this hard working being that cared for her?

[Gary John Bishop]

Well, in the first few years of my life, it was very passionate. So I was crazy about this girl. It was very passionate. And. And this was a time in my life when I was a musician. So, you know, I'm playing in a band and there's this beautiful woman who loves me. You know, like, life is amazing. Life is good, man. You know, we've got three sons now. But the first eight years of our marriage was just my wife and I just having a brilliant time together. So this is great. And we were like the antithesis to like married couples. You know, we were like happening. You know, this is all great. But now when I look back on that, there really was no luck down the road. There was no, like, what's this about? You know, it's just, it was all very much riding that particular roller coaster,

[Lewis Howes]

living in the Moment of fun and adventure.

[Gary John Bishop]

The problem was nothing was getting created. There was no, this is what we're up to.

[Lewis Howes]

There's no vision coming to life.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right? But that was on a very personal level. Like, there was no. There was no thought in my head, like, so where does this go? You know, I was just like, well, let's see, you know, as there shouldn't be, by the way, when you're in your 20s and 30s, there's no, like, what would it be like when I'm in my 40s or my 50s or my 60s with this woman, you know, it was all just about making my way through where I was. The brick wall that I had, like I said a little earlier, was mid to late 30s. And I'm like, I don't work anymore. Like this.

[Lewis Howes]

How did you know you weren't working? Was it a feeling? Was it a stress? Was it a lack of mission or purpose? Was it a lack of love for yourself? How did you know, like, I'm not working.

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah, There was this kind of very fundamental experience of dissatisfaction. Like, no matter what I did, it doesn't matter what I do, in the

[Lewis Howes]

results and the success, it wasn't. You weren't satisfied.

[Gary John Bishop]

It's funny, because in those kind of earlier parts of my life, and I assert this is true for all human beings, you think the next thing is going to solve it, and then you get there and the problem's still there. And you might not fully have fleshed out that problem yet, but you know it's there. Like, if you look back in the accomplishments of your life, like, when you hit them, going for it, you're like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do this. I'm doing it. I'm going to do it. And then you hit it and you're like,

[Lewis Howes]

now what?

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah, right now what? Right now what? And then it's the next thing you do. Six of them.

[Lewis Howes]

Like, huh, I'm not feeling what I was supposed to be feeling, Right?

[Gary John Bishop]

How come I'm not feeling it? Because it never resolves, whatever the thing was. And so if there was anything I wish I'd really identified, and I don't mean this from a space of regret, I really don't. But it would have been kind of neat to identify the hole that I was trying to fill, you know, it would have been neat to see what I'm doing. I'm just happy that I did identify. People go through their whole life and never. There's no Introspection. There's no. Like an introspection is a funny thing because you can do too much of that too. Right. You can go too deep into your belly button. Right.

[Lewis Howes]

You need to just kind of relax sometimes and live life. Right.

[Gary John Bishop]

You gotta be like, well, it's kind of like the way I've always related to it since I started to work on myself is, okay, that's a good little insight. How am I gonna use this? Yeah, so I'm always using it for some thing in my life or some good in my, in my life are the people that I'm at the impact. Because you can get. You can start to kind of get off on that. Like, oh, that was a great discussion. Oh, yeah. That makes a lot of sense. But it doesn't actually show up in the reality of your life. You gotta make it show up. Yeah, I guess that's the only real thing. Like, what was the hole I was trying to film?

[Lewis Howes]

Because if you could have done that earlier, then what would you have done in those first 10 years?

[Gary John Bishop]

There's that kind of force for life that you have when you're 20. You know, there's a. Which gets you by. It gets you overcome a lot of hills, a lot of mountains. There's just a kind of forward trajectory that maybe I'd have used it for something else. Maybe it would have been. But then when I look back, I think the context that I choose for that time now when I look back on it is I really had to go through the darkness to realize that that wasn't the light.

[Lewis Howes]

Right.

[Gary John Bishop]

Because when you're in that, you think this is like, I'm going somewhere.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Gary John Bishop]

You know, and then there's a. Like, I'm going nowhere. I'm going nowhere.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Gary John Bishop]

And so the context that I choose for that now is it was a brilliant learning process for me. Real life learning process.

[Lewis Howes]

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I told you before that I always wanted to in relationships, start a therapeutic coaching, counseling experience in the beginning of a relationship, as opposed to two, three, five years in when there's some challenges and let's try to solve something and resolve it and get back into a place of love and peace. And so I'm creating that with my. In my current relationship. And it's a beautiful thing because there's not like an issue or a problem.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right.

[Lewis Howes]

And I was asking our coach, I was like, how many people come to you when there's no issues? She's like, it almost never happens. It's always when there's like a big breakdown or something. And so it's kind of build this foundation from the beginning. It's trying to learn from my mistakes of the past 15 years and do it in a different way.

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

Approach in a different way. How do you wish you would have approached it differently? Differently, or how did you do it that was successful for you, that you would recommend to someone going into their 40s or even in their 20s, going into the 30s. But a new decade, how would you approach it?

[Gary John Bishop]

You've got to make it about something like a mission. It's got to be about something. If it's not about something, you're wasting your time. It's gotta be about something. Right. And I think that's a great way to split it up in the decades like that. And you can start your decade at 33.

[Guest or Sponsor Voice]

Right.

[Gary John Bishop]

But if you make it about something like, this is the decade of personal discovery. This is a decade of making a difference. This is the decade for me was authentic wealth. Right. For that decade.

[Lewis Howes]

In your 40s?

[Gary John Bishop]

My 40s was all about making a difference. This is about my life being about somebody other than me.

[Lewis Howes]

In your 40s?

[Gary John Bishop]

In my 40s. And I devoted myself to that, and I still do. Right.

[Lewis Howes]

What was the 50s?

[Gary John Bishop]

So the 50s was supposed to be about this authentic wealth, which I scooted through that in two years. You know what I mean?

[Lewis Howes]

So in your 40s, did you build authentic wealth then, or did you?

[Gary John Bishop]

No, no, I was already in the middle. I'd Already said so. It was like the kind of middle of my 40s, tailing it out, second half. And I'm like, my 50s has got to be about authentic wealth. Because I'd done so much work on myself. I saw so much of what this identity wanted to do that was inauthentic. It was to fix the identity. It wasn't about me, it was about it. And so then to say to myself, I'm going to make my 50s about this. And it was radical because when I took away all the needs and the wants and the attachments and the emotion and it was such a clear pathway.

[Lewis Howes]

So what was the shift? I guess you started this at the end of your 40s, you said, what was the shift from doing something beyond yourself in your 40s of being in service to say, okay, now how can I do this and generate an abundance of wealth?

[Gary John Bishop]

Right.

[Lewis Howes]

What shifted in you? And then when did it start flowing? Yeah, with this financial. Was it your ways of being was different? Was your thoughts were different about money? Was it just your efforts, your energy was different?

[Gary John Bishop]

Well, remember, you can't create a breakthrough in something until you, you come to terms with what's already there, right? So you have to see like, what's already there for me. And so everybody has a relationship to something like money. There's already something there. The question is, what is it?

[Lewis Howes]

And were you good at making money before or was it like.

[Gary John Bishop]

No, I was terrible at it. And it never even. Because it was never a thing for me. Like, it was never an authentic thing for me. It was all.

[Lewis Howes]

It fell a hole to like, buy something to feel better about yourself.

[Gary John Bishop]

I feel better now that money's in the bank. And then I started to think, well, what if it's just a transaction? What if I took me out of it and it's just a thing, you know, it's just like a way to make something multiply. Like, how do I do that? And so what I realized with at the time, well, two things. One was I lived with a lot of mystery about money and just avoided it. Like, you know, that sounds like a lot of work.

[Lewis Howes]

Pay attention to it.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. Like, I don't need to know that. Right. And looking for lots of short circuits and how to do things. And then the other thing that was pretty massive for me was I realized that, and this is true in all areas of somebody's life. But if you start with the financial aspect, you're always operating in some paradigm, you're always in some network of thinking and so identifying what my Network of thinking was like, what was it? And so I realized that there was, believe it or not, a number that I thought that if I did that number, that was a. I've kind of done it, right?

[Lewis Howes]

You feel good about yourself.

[Gary John Bishop]

But it wasn't even, like, in any sense of the word, the massive number. But I thought, like, that's the number. When you kind of peel back some of that, you'll realize that the number is what you think you can do based on other things, based on your

[Lewis Howes]

life and experiences and other views that

[Gary John Bishop]

you have of yourself. So I had this magic number, and again, it wasn't like a crazy number,

[Lewis Howes]

but it was big for you. It was like, okay, this is something I've never done before, right? Make me feel good about myself.

[Gary John Bishop]

I would. What I found myself doing is I'm sitting in front of a laptop, and I've got the Excel spreadsheet up, and I'm looking at the number, and I'm like, where did that come from? How did I end up with that? And I was about to give the next year of my life to it,

[Lewis Howes]

to that number, to that number.

[Gary John Bishop]

And every thought and every strategy and everything was about that number. And then I thought, well, what if I doubled it? And I was like, I can't even be with that. It was so crazy. And I thought, but if I doubled that number and gave my word to it, that number would demand something of me. Like, it's now telling me that what I'm doing ain't it, man. That sent me off on a pathway, like a vein of thinking. When I started to realize everything was happening in this kind of network of conversation that I'm in with myself. And when you change the outcome, it completely short circuits the thinking. That thinking can't produce double. It can't. It won't do it.

[Lewis Howes]

You have to change the way you think.

[Gary John Bishop]

I have to change the way I think. And I have to really challenge what I think is possible. Like, really challenge it. And I noticed, like, there's a massive emotional attachment to that. Like, oh, my gosh, so significant. Like, it can't be done. Guys like me can't do that. I don't have the education. I don't. Da, da, da. So I started to think from the future.

[Lewis Howes]

I put myself there in the future.

[Gary John Bishop]

And that's what a visionary does. A visionary doesn't see the future. A visionary is coming from it. They're coming from the future, and they're standing here and looking at what they're doing right now and asking Themselves is what I'm doing right now aligning with that. And if it's not, I need to stop, stop, even though, like, well, none of this could maybe turn it if it's not aligning with that stop right in this moment. And so at the beginning, it was a series of that of stopping what I'm doing. And, you know, you've got an attachment to what you're doing because it'll produce that other number, which ain't bad, you know, but when I doubled it the first time, I ever doubled it, because I did the first year or two, I doubled and doubled. And when you start to hit that cycle, you're realizing the only thing that's limiting you is what you're thinking.

[Lewis Howes]

So what allowed you to double it then? What was the shift internally or the execution was different.

[Gary John Bishop]

It all begins with the right kind of thinking, not thoughts. It's the right kind of thinking.

[Lewis Howes]

What's the right kind of thinking?

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. You got to be able to hang with an idea without getting attached to it, and that includes the ridiculous.

[Lewis Howes]

The ridiculous?

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah, you gotta be able to hang with the ridiculous. Why? Because what you've already determined is ridiculous is based on some other logic that got you where you are. So you gotta reinvestigate the ridiculous. You gotta kinda go in and be like, well, hold on, hold on. And you gotta allow yourself to kind of be with it. So one of the things that I think I've gotten pretty good at is hanging with something without letting go of the need to answer it.

[Lewis Howes]

You mean thinking of an idea that's ridiculous and not needing the answer on how to make the ridiculous come true?

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. And so what happens is, when I do that, if I do that for a week or maybe two weeks, lots of stuff will come up in my thinking. I'll wake up with ideas like, oh, my gosh, I never thought about that before. Well, what about. I never thought about that. And then so the more that I got into it, the more I was kind of getting outside of my own logic, my own thinking, which really allowed me to step into things that my identity would not be comfortable with. Like, not comfortable with at all. One of them was, for me was doing, like, big speaking engagements, right? So, you know, how could 2, 3, 500 people, that's fine, 25,000 people, maybe not so much. So I started to kind of put myself out there and I started to, you know, I started to talk to the right people, right? Which was a big chunk. I didn't know anybody, you know, I'm Like a. Especially at that time, one man operation. I don't know anybody. I'm just making a difference. How do you. And so I had to knock down some. It wasn't knock down their walls, it was knocked down my walls about them. In that process, I started to really get connected to my doing. This has got nothing to do with them. I'm going to make such a compelling case that they have no say. They have no say in this. I'm going to present what I need to present here in such a way that they're like, okay, just give the guy the microphone and let him go. That is actually what I did. I ended up being doing like, you know, massive speaking engagements, you know, with people like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tony Robbins and blah, blah, blah, you know, and I'm out there like 25,000 people. Like it's nothing. All inside of being of service to them, but in the background includes my commitment to creating this environment of authentic wealth for myself. And never the twain shall meet. It was never like that. This thing here is getting switched. Never. It was always grounded in making the difference that I'm out to be.

[Lewis Howes]

Authentic service for authentic wealth.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right. Very good. Anywhere that I sense or experience that this is more about the money than the difference that it can make. I'm not doing it. I will not do it. And I've had, my gosh, so many opportunities, so many people present me with, oh, if you would only do this. And I won't. Because when you mess with the integrity of what you're about, there's no substance to it. There's no substance. So all of it is guided by. Yeah, but does this make a difference? And that includes the people that work with me, like the agents that I have, the people that are involved in my little team. If you're not here to make a difference, we're not doing it. And I won't do it. And I refuse to do it. Because you're selling out on what it is that makes this thing real.

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah.

[Gary John Bishop]

And it's got to be real. Not for me. It's got to be real for people.

[Lewis Howes]

Right.

[Gary John Bishop]

You know, because ultimately, like we talked about a little earlier, it's got to be about making some kind of difference.

[Lewis Howes]

Absolutely.

[Gary John Bishop]

You know, and if it can't, then I'm not doing it.

[Lewis Howes]

And how did your relationship evolve as you started to bring more money to the relationship and the family? Because a lot of the people struggle in marriages or relationships with money conversations. Did you see an improvement of the quality of relationship? Did you see challenges and talking about money. How did you guys address money when it's such a big factor for breakup, divorce, stress in relationships?

[Gary John Bishop]

Somebody once gave me this little nugget and I believe it to be true when somebody said, what's the difference between wealthy and not wealthy? And somebody said to me, it's just better hotels, right?

[Lewis Howes]

Yeah. Nicer flights. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Gary John Bishop]

And that's basically it for me. Like, I never made it mean anything. You know, my three boys, like, they're very grounded, you know, they're not in any way enamored by money or anything like that. Like, my 10 year old thinks if he could spend 10 bucks on his next game of FIFA, like that's a big result. You know, it's like, yay. You know, I just bought that FIFA pack for 10 bucks. It's a good day. And I don't shower them with stuff, you know, I don't. We don't do that. It just seems kind of ridiculous. As a family, we're very much about our experience of being alive. And whatever money we might have or not have is always about that. Like, it's always about enhancing that and embracing that and exploring that as a family. I wouldn't say I'm a particularly flashy guy. You know, I don't really do anything like that. It's not really my thing. Like, for instance, to give a little example. So when I, when I started to do the speaking engagements with those big groups of people, I rarely stay up on the platform, right? I go, done and I go to the back and I talk back there and I'll go hang out with those folks. Why? Because I've been in those seats. I know what it's like to be back there and unseen. And I want you to be seen.

[Lewis Howes]

Wow.

[Gary John Bishop]

Like, that matters to me. That matters. The people who bought the 1200 buck ticket, they said at the front, you're good, you can turn around and watch me at the back a while. And I think it's that authenticity, that grounding that has never really allowed anything like money to kind of get in the way. I still really relate to. And even you could look at any dedication that's in my books. I always dedicate them to people who are maybe at the bottom of the ladder right now. Like they don't feel as if it's working for them. I think my first book, it was like Single Moms and Unemployed. I dedicated this book to the single moms and the unemployed fathers. You know, like the people who are having to gut it up yeah. And I still identify. Cause that's most people. Most people are wrestling with something. They're not all sitting at the top of the tree enjoying bananas, you know what I mean? So I just have never been somebody who, like, I'm where I'm at, and it's great. I want to relate to people who are. Who are in the race.

[Lewis Howes]

Absolutely, yeah. What do you think is the overall key from everything you learned to having a fulfilling relationship?

[Gary John Bishop]

Then it's got to be grounded in what matters. I realized that two things that mattered to me in life were love and adventure. I realized that that was now my job in my relationship. To bring it, not to seek it, and to bring it because it's who I am. When you take away the notion that you're seeking it, it's a whole lot easier to actually be in relationship.

[Lewis Howes]

Because a lot of people say, I'm looking for love if they're single. I'm looking for love. I'm looking for adventure. But if you be love, if you're being love and you're being adventurous, you will be it. You won't be defined it, you are it. And you'll find you'll attract other people who are it as well.

[Gary John Bishop]

What the interesting thing about my wife and I, which was really has been brilliant since I took on this kind of perspective, is she's not always looking for what I'm or expressing what I'm expressing. She's expressing her expression of what it is to be in relationship, which is sometimes really different, you know, like, she's got a different expression of love than I do. But I'm not sitting there like, oh, you know, feed me that. I'm more like, this is an opportunity. This is an opening in my life. This is an opening in time for me to get this up, you know, and she's giving it her version, you know, and it really isn't 50 50. It's not like that because I don't. Like I told her, you know, I don't. I don't need you to be anyone but yourself. You know, just be yourself.

[Lewis Howes]

What happened when you shifted that?

[Gary John Bishop]

It was just like this massive release of pressure, you know, it was like, ah, we're okay. You know, we're okay. Like, you can just be you.

[Lewis Howes]

You don't need to control something. You don't need to fix something. You don't need to change something.

[Gary John Bishop]

Nothing about this woman does that mean, like, it's all like, if I look at my wiring and the way that I'm wired. No, I Get hooked and I get triggered and I get. One of the things that we did, by the way, that I think is important is we made it okay to argue. It's okay. Even if it's a stand up argument fight. And she called me some or I called her some. It's okay, right? This isn't all adding up to the exit. It's not. It's like a moment in time. It's like something happened. Okay. Being forgiving is a massive part of my life and a massive part of my relationship. I'm not gonna string you up for something you did or said. Like, I'm not. You're a human being too. In other words, there's a lot of space that I'm continually making. I make a lot of space for my wife. I make a lot of space for my children. So whatever way they are, it's got a lot of room. I'm not like pressing on it and compressing it. And you should be in control now. Let me just back off and let that be. It'll dissipate. It's okay. And so there's a lot of that in our relationship.

[Lewis Howes]

But you probably have to be okay with who you are and comfortable with your own skin in order to create the space of whatever emotions or environment happens.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right.

[Lewis Howes]

You've got to be dealing with that healing journey continuously so that you're not reactive to it.

[Gary John Bishop]

That's a critical part of it. Like, you have to give yourself the room to be a human being. Stop holding yourself to some ideal. You're not always gonna be perfect. There's gonna be times in your life when you look at it, you're like, oh, did I even. You know, I was a real jerk there. Like, oh, my gosh. Like, I wish I could take that back. And I'll initially go there and then I'll be like, hold on a minute. I'm a human being too. And I think that's one of the things that's drawn a lot of people in my work. I'm not professing to have every answer. And I'm not floating around here like Gandhi or something. I'm not like, this isn't. I'm not a perfect kind of human being on one hand. Or maybe I am.

[Lewis Howes]

Exactly.

[Gary John Bishop]

Maybe this is what it is to be a human being is all of it. It's all the things I really believe. You're just a vessel for experiences.

[Lewis Howes]

Absolutely.

[Gary John Bishop]

And some of them are great and some of them are kind of crappy. And it's okay, you know, the More you try and fix it or shape it or move it, you're kind of nailing it down rather than letting it just pass through.

[Lewis Howes]

This is powerful, man. I've got a couple final questions for you, but I really love this conversation. In your book, love unfolding, getting your relationship together is out. People can buy it on Amazon or wherever books are sold. We'll have it all linked up as well in the description, in the show notes. But where are you on social media the most? Or how can we connect with you beyond the book? And it's. I love. I love the short but packed books because I can read them. So I appreciate this.

[Gary John Bishop]

No, that's good. I love that you said that, too, because I really feel as if the value in my books is in the thinking you're gonna have to do. You know, it's not necessarily like you're gonna take something out of there linearly.

[Lewis Howes]

Yes.

[Gary John Bishop]

But, yeah, I'm everywhere. But, you know, Instagram's like a favorite of mine, obviously. I spend a lot of time on there. I love to give people stuff that they can think about and chew on. But I'm also on Facebook, I'm on Twitter, and Obviously my website, GaryJohnBishop.com There you go.

[Lewis Howes]

And you got all the information for your books there and everything else you're up [e-mail] yeah. Love this, man. I got a question for you. This is called the three truths question. I ask everyone at the end.

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

So imagine hypothetical scenario. It's your last day on earth, many years away. You live as long as you want to live.

[Gary John Bishop]

Okay?

[Lewis Howes]

You are the vessel that experiences life to the fullest, and you accomplish what you want to accomplish. But for whatever reason, you've got to take all of your work with you on the last day. The books, the content, this interview, for whatever reason, got to go somewhere else so it's not left in the world.

[Gary John Bishop]

Okay.

[Lewis Howes]

But you get to leave behind three lessons with the world. Three things that you know to be true from your life experiences. And this is all we'd have to remember you by. What would you say are those three truths?

[Gary John Bishop]

The only truth is the one you've agreed with. The second one would be, you are an unlimited potential, whether you believe that or not. And be kind. Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

I want to acknowledge you, Gary, for a moment because you've had an amazing journey and you've dedicated this, I guess, second phase of your life to service.

[Gary John Bishop]

Right?

[Lewis Howes]

To using your experiences, your thinking, your challenges, the pain and creating work that inspires and serves and educates. And I really acknowledge you for showing up consistently with your perfect imperfections and just sharing what you know, sharing what you've learned and putting it in ways that we can understand it that might be confusing at times. So I really acknowledge you for showing up big the way you have. And I think shifting a identity that you. You were so stuck on from the way you grew up and being okay with letting it die and also holding on to some of it and transforming, I think is so hard for so many people. I know. It was hard for me. So I really acknowledge you for shifting that and being constantly in a reinvention phase of your life.

[Gary John Bishop]

Yeah.

[Lewis Howes]

And in service to so many people.

[Gary John Bishop]

Well, thank you for that generous acknowledgement. That was really brilliant. One of the things I'm going to acknowledge you for a second, if you don't mind.

[Lewis Howes]

Sure.

[Gary John Bishop]

So I think you're a brilliant example, like a truly brilliant example of what it is to be vulnerable.

[Lewis Howes]

Thanks, man.

[Gary John Bishop]

And it screams thanks, man, in a really great way.

[Lewis Howes]

Thank you. Appreciate it. Appreciate it, man. I think, yeah. The last eight, nine years have really opened up and allowed myself to be vulnerable at any moment.

[Gary John Bishop]

Great. I get it.

[Lewis Howes]

It's not easy. It's not easy. But I think the more I embody vulnerability, the more my heart is open to receiving people, to having intimate conversations, to being able to share things that are sad or scary or whatever might be coming up for me. So I appreciate it and I receive it, man. Yeah. My final question for you, and again, I want to make sure people get the book. We'll have it all linked up. But my final question, Gary, is what's your definition of greatness?

[Gary John Bishop]

Oh, that's a brilliant question. Right. So it's the triumph of the human spirit. It's the opportunity for somebody to go beyond whatever that might be for you. And sometimes it's a simple thing like going beyond some old hurt or pain, but sometimes it's going beyond a situation or circumstance. I really do believe in the possibility of people living great lives. And so it's always comes down to triumph of the human spirit.

[Lewis Howes]

There you go, Gary. Appreciate you, man.

Thanks, brother.

[Gary John Bishop]

Thank you so much.

[Lewis Howes]

I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our greatness plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you of no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

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