Xander Marin (2:25)

Yeah, we're not a Labubu podcast. Sorry. If that's what brought you here, I'm not sure how it would.

Vanessa Marin (2:30)

But if you got kids in the.

Xander Marin (2:33)

Car right now, this would be the time to turn it off.

Vanessa Marin (2:36)

Turn it off. I'm Vanessa. I'm a sex therapist. I have been in this field for, I've been saying 20 years, but really like 23 years. I've been in this since I was 18. Been in this field 23 years.

Xander Marin (2:52)

Damn, girl. Get it.

Vanessa Marin (2:54)

And you are?

Xander Marin (2:55)

I'm her husband. I'm Xander. I have no formal training when it comes to sex other than the sex that I have with my wife.

Vanessa Marin (3:02)

But lots of experience with sex toys?

Xander Marin (3:05)

No, actually, you know, we'll talk about that. I've used a sex toy here and there. I wouldn't say I'm the most experienced sex toy user, but what I have done over the years is talk about terrible.

Vanessa Marin (3:18)

Someone's like, I don't want to listen to this podcast episode. This guy barely even knows what a sex toy is.

Xander Marin (3:22)

No, I'm a real guy. Vanessa and I have been doing this for years. I've heard pretty much every question. We talk about sex all day, every day, and I know a lot now. Wow, that was awkward.

Vanessa Marin (3:37)

That was so unconvincing. I have a minimal amount of experience with sex toys and I know a lot, so you should listen to me.

Xander Marin (3:46)

No, I mean, I bring the partner perspective and then some.

Vanessa Marin (3:50)

Okay, so we take your questions and we give you honest judgment, free, expert backed answers. So whether you're curious about choosing your first toy, how to talk to your partner about using sex toys, maybe how to store your sex toys so the kids don't find them, we've got you covered. Okay, so let's dive into the questions.

Xander Marin (4:10)

Yeah, let's go. Well, what's the best starter toy for a woman?

Vanessa Marin (4:15)

Okay, so the tricky thing about toys that we gotta say just right up front is that everybody is different. And so I've always hesitated with specific product recommendations because I could really like something and somebody else thinks it's terrible or they really like something and I think it's terrible. So sex toys are something that you do need to experiment with and be willing to try out a couple of different things and see what really works for your body. The challenge with sex toys is that you really do get what you pay for. So if you're cheaping out on a sex toy, you're not likely going to enjoy it all that much. Unfortunately, there just aren't very many high quality makers making cheap priced material toys.

Xander Marin (5:01)

So. So if you're like, all right, I have a budget of $40 and I have to get it right on the first try, it's not gonna happen. That's gonna be a challenge because these are products where you can't try before you buy and you can't return. And like Vanessa said, you get what you pay for in terms of the, the, the materials in terms of. And honestly, really what it gets down to is, is it a body safe material or not?

Vanessa Marin (5:25)

Oh, you know what, that's a really good point because I'm just realizing none of the questions ask about that.

Xander Marin (5:30)

Yeah, let's talk a little bit up front about this.

Vanessa Marin (5:32)

Okay. So we are very, very strict about only using toys that are made with body safe materials and only recommending toys made with body safe materials.

Xander Marin (5:43)

It's wild that it is possible that you could buy and use a sex toy that is not made with body safe materials. That's the world we're living in.

Vanessa Marin (5:50)

Here's the thing about sex toys. Because sex is still so taboo and you know something that we are all embarrassed talk about openly. The sex toy industry is not regulated. And so there's not like a consumer protection group checking out these toys to make sure they're safe for people to use. And one of the loopholes that a lot of manufacturers, especially the cheap manufacturers use is they put on the toy for novelty use only. If you see for novelty use only, run. Do not use that product. Because what they're basically saying is like, oh, yeah, yeah, no, that's just like a.

Xander Marin (6:28)

It's a joke.

Vanessa Marin (6:28)

It's a joke. It's a like it's a party favor kind of thing. Not. It's something that you can use on the most intimate parts of your body.

Xander Marin (6:36)

Yeah, they're like, it's a joke that takes batteries and it vibrates and like does all these party.

Vanessa Marin (6:42)

It's not to actually use. So yeah, they can use those really crappy materials. And the thing is, especially for women, the skin around our genitals is very porous. It's very sensitive. And a lot of these toys are made with chemicals that can leach into the skin and can cause issues.

Xander Marin (7:01)

Yeah, I mean, I feel like everyone has heard of like alcohol soaked tampons and like how.

Vanessa Marin (7:05)

I mean, hard.

Xander Marin (7:08)

I'm going somewhere with this. I mean, I think lots of people have heard horror stories about things like alcohol soaked tampons and how people can.

Vanessa Marin (7:16)

I don't think most people have heard about alcohol, so tampons.

Xander Marin (7:20)

Okay. Well, what I'm trying to say is that the vagina is a hydrated, highly absorbent area of the body and things can get into the bloodstream very quickly. And like without, you know, much of it diminishing on its way in there. Unlike, you know, when you ingest something, like it goes through your stomach and, like, you know, not very much of what you eat actually, like, gets into your blood. Whereas, you know, something that absorbs through your vagina is, like, a lot of it is going to get into your bloodstream. So if you think about, you know, some unsafe, like, plastic products that are not meant to be in your bloodstream, like, you are going to get it into your bloodstream. So it's got to be body safe. It is super fucked up, honestly, that. That companies can sell things to basically trick people into thinking, yeah, this is a sex toy. This is something that you should use inside of your body.

Vanessa Marin (8:14)

Mm.

Xander Marin (8:15)

And it can make you sick or. Or worse.

Vanessa Marin (8:19)

Yeah. So one of the worst offenders is a compound called phthalates. These are used to soften plastic, but they can leach into the skin. They can lead to endocrine disruption. They can harm your reproductive system and even just irritate your skin. But you're not going to see a sex toy labeled, like, ingredients, phthalates in it. So it's really hard to look out for. But in general, here are some materials that you want to avoid. Jelly rubber. So another way to test for this is, like, if it smells bad, if it smells kind of like a tire, you want to avoid it. So jelly rubber cyberskin is another material or anything that says, like, real feel often has phthalates used in it. We also want to look out for. A lot of times they can use dyes or even paints in the toy. And again, you can't. It's not going to be, like, on the label. But also look out for anything with fragrance or flavors in general. So that's going to be more like an edible lube kind of thing or like an oral sex gel. Yeah, anything that has a fragrance or flavor, I would stay away from that because those can be irritating as well. So the materials that you do want to look for, medical grade silicone, medical grade stainless steel glass. You have to be careful with it. But glass can be a safer material to use as well.

Xander Marin (9:43)

I mean, I think you're gonna struggle to break glass with your vagina. I mean, you could break the glass. Like, be careful. If the glass were to have already broken and then you used it, that would not be good.

Vanessa Marin (9:55)

And then my other warning is, do not buy your sex toys on Amazon. Whatever you do, do not buy them there, even if it looks like it's from a high quality manufacturer. Like, I just. I would not do it. I would buy directly from the manufacturer or. Or find a reputable store online. We have a link on our website that we can put in the show notes. It has some recommended products. I'll be totally transparent. Like, we haven't kept it up to date. And again, like, it's hard for me to recommend specific products because I feel bad telling somebody, like, spend $200 on this thing, but you might not actually like it. So we'll put that link. If you want to check it out. There is. It'll link to one of our favorite retailers that we really trust. But Amazon toys are. No. They're a no go. There are a lot of counterfeits out there where it's so weird. Like, it's like a counterfeit bag, you know, like they're posing as the real deal as this high quality, expensive brand, but it's actually like very cheaply made with unsafe materials.

Xander Marin (10:57)

Yeah. So, like, this is even worse because you think you're buying something medical grade and then it's not. It's a baby switch.

Vanessa Marin (11:01)

So don't buy it on Amazon. That's. Whatever you do, don't buy it on Amazon.

Xander Marin (11:06)

All right, well, I think we've sufficiently scared everyone, so that's going back.

Vanessa Marin (11:10)

The best starter toy for. For a woman, what I would recommend is a clitoral vibrator. A simple clitoral vibrator. That's the best starting point. And remember, for female orgasm and pleasure, it's all about the clitoris. If you're confused by that, then scroll back a few episodes where we talk about. We have two different female orgasm centric episodes. So listen to those. That's really all about the clitoris. So I would do like a small vibrator that you can just play around with just on your clitoris.

Xander Marin (11:40)

Like something with like adjustable speed perhaps.

Vanessa Marin (11:43)

Yeah, I mean, most of them will come with an adjustable speed.

Xander Marin (11:45)

Okay, well, that's. Yeah, that's good. Because another. Because another thing, I mean, another reason why it's really challenging to suggest specific sexways to people is that, yeah, like, every clitoris prefers different levels of stimulation or different amounts of vibration. So, you know, if you were to say, you know, one person loves something that's like really, really super strong and intense, they could be like, oh, my God, I have the best orgasms ever. It's unbelievable. And then someone else tries it and it's like, painful. So I think, yeah, variable speed, especially for your first one, is a really good idea so that you can start to get a sense for you Do I like intense vibration? Do I like moderate vibration? Do I like very low vibration? Because then you start to know for the future, like for your next purchase. Okay, am I looking for something that's on the more intense end, Something that's more gentle or somewhere in between?

Vanessa Marin (12:40)

Yeah. So if you try that out and you're curious to try something different, or you try a vibrator out and you're like, I don't know. That wasn't really my jam. This second category of toys that I would recommend is like an air pulse technology. So it's not a vibrator. It's more that it's creating like a suction motion suction sensation on the clitoris.

Xander Marin (13:00)

So this is like oral sex?

Vanessa Marin (13:01)

Yeah, sort of. So this is just a different kind of sensation. It's not the vibration. It's more of a light suction. So some people greatly prefer that sensation over the vibrator sensation. Typically, most people like to are in one camp or the other, but some people do like both. So that would be the second type of toy that I would try out, but definitely the clitoral vibrator would be first.

Xander Marin (13:27)

So. So if you find you are struggling to really enjoy, like, any level of vibration, then perhaps try a more suction based.

Vanessa Marin (13:37)

That's a good question. If you don't like vibration at all, you're probably not going to love the suction because for most people, the suction is more intense than a vibrator. So if you're like, ooh, that was too much for me. That was too intense, you're probably gonna feel the same way about the suction. If it was too intense for you, you're probably just not a toy, girly. But one thing you can do if you are worried about a toy being too intense or you try, you get a toy and you', Whoa, this is way too much for me. You can play. There are a few different things that you can play around with. One is keep some of your clothes on when you use it. So rather than having skin to, like, skin to toy contact. I was about to say skin to skin. Skin to toy contact. You could keep your underwear on, even keep jeans on. If, like, underwear is still too much for you. You could also hold the vibrator like, above your labia. So you're vibrating the clitoris through. Through the labia, not directly on the clitoris. So those are a couple of things to try out if that feels a little too intense. Okay. If I was not a sex therapist, I would be in Skincare. I Have a secret skincare obsession. I absolutely love taking good care of my skin, trying out new products. So when One Skin reached out to us to be a podcast sponsor, I totally jumped on the chance to try out their products and see if I could recommend them. And I have been so, so happy with them. So One Skin is known for their cult favorites like OS1 body, face and eye. Oneskin stands out for their science first approach, delivering hydration, barrier support and powerful longevity benefits in a single step. So at the core of all of their products is their patented OS1 peptide. Now, this is the first ingredient proven to target senescent cells which are the root cause of wrinkles, crepiness and loss of elasticity. With results validated in fat five published clinical studies. OneSkin's products have over 10,000 five star reviews with customers raving about how their skin is smoother, firmer and healthier. Looking for me, Oneskin really helped with this tender skin around my nose. I tend to get really chapped and red around there and I noticed from using OS1 face that that area just felt so much happier and healthier. I also love their eye cream. I'm super sensitive to eye creams. My eyes will get very irritated and One Skin is one of the very few eye cream creams that I can use that actually feels great on my eyes. They're certified safe for sensitive skin. So that probably explains why I've been having the benefits that I've been having. And their moisturizers are free from over 1500 harsh or irritating ingredients. That's especially important for me. I pay such close attention to ingredients and there's so many, unfortunately ingredients in a lot of skincare products that are approved to be used in this country but aren't actually very good for our skin. 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Xander Marin (19:25)

All right, you've got your first toy. Now how do I talk to my husband about wanting to use it without hurting his feelings?

Vanessa Marin (19:30)

Actually, I'm going to turn that question around to you as our resident husband here. This was our most, most asked question by far and away. And we're always hearing it from, it's from women. This is not like two men worrying about. This is a woman worrying about hurting a man's feelings.

Xander Marin (19:47)

Yes. And I think that this question does come from there being a small percentage of men that do react very poorly to the suggestion of a toy. So that is true.

Vanessa Marin (19:58)

Why that happens?

Xander Marin (20:00)

Well, because it happens because men are socialized to think that their ability to make a woman orgasm is like a referendum on how good they are in bed. And so it's like a One to one correlate my value as a man, as a sexual man, is like, how big of an orgasm can I give my partner? So if somebody suggests a toy, like, this is the line of logic. I'm not saying that this is true. This is the line of logic I think in the head is that if it's okay, if she is suggesting a toy, then that means that I must not be enough for her. I must not be good enough for her. And I really don't want to have to face the idea that I might not actually be as good as I think I am. And so I'm going to say, no, no, no, pump the brakes. We are not, like, we're not doing any toys. And very often the men will turn around and you oh, what's wrong with you that, like, you're not enjoying what I'm doing? Oh, it's never been a problem with anyone else I've been with.

Vanessa Marin (21:02)

With.

Xander Marin (21:04)

So that's. That's not great. There's also, I think, a very small subset of men that are also scared that if their partner starts to use a toy and they start to like the toy better than the. The penis or the partner, that somehow the partner will become obsolete. I think that there's, like a. There's like, a small number of men that are like, oh, my God, I feel like. I feel like now I'm, like, sharing the sexual experience with, like, a third party that is an inanimate object. And, you know, I. Well, that one. I think it all comes down to how, like, what is the actual dynamic between the two of you and the toy? Like, if it is that, it's, you know, if it is that, like, you're having sex and then you're like, you're not really doing it for me, I'm just gonna grab my toy then. Then, yeah, maybe that does. Maybe that does give the vibe. So, look, the answer here is that it's all about the delivery. It's all about the delivery of how you suggest it. And it's also all about how you actually incorporate using the toy. Because there's definitely some wrong ways that you can do both, right. That are gonna feed into this negative dynamic that I just described. So, like, if you were to say, you know what, the sex we've been having just really hasn't been doing it for me. It's. It hasn't been enjoyable. And so I'm thinking that we are gonna. I'm gonna need a toy in order to want to have sex with you or to enjoy Myself. If you say it like that, that is not going to set you up for success. Right. Then your partner is going to be, literally be hearing. The thing that I said that some men are, are worried about is happening is you're actually telling them, yeah, no, like, you're, you're not, not, not even. You're not good enough for me, but, like, you're just not doing it for me at all. So I, I need something else. So, like, that would not be a good way to deliver it. Similarly, if you do get a toy and you start using it and you're like, pushing your partner away and like, I'm done with you, I'm using my toy similarly, that is also going to feed into this feeling that, oh, I. She doesn't really want or need me at all. Like, what am I doing here? So instead of tying it to the experience, like, oh, the experience we're having is not very good. So let's try this instead. Just raise it. Like you have some curiosity about trying something new. Just like you might with a new sex position or a different oral sex technique or maybe having sex in a different location. Just like, hey, you know what? I've been curious about seeing what it would be like if we tried a toy just like every now and then or maybe even just once. I've been, you know, I've been seeing, you know, this toy or saw an ad for this thing. It got me kind of curious what that might be like. It might be, like, could be fun for both of us. You know, it's like, like, would you be open to just trying this out once and see what it's like together? I think it would be a fun experience for us together.

Vanessa Marin (24:02)

Yeah. I think you, you really want to present it as something that the two of you are exploring together. I want to try this with you. Not like, hey, will you stay over there while I use this on myself? I think you could also suggest a couple of toys too. Like, not just a vibrator. There are other toys that you can play with in the bedroom where maybe it's something. It's a little more for his pleasure. Maybe it's something for the two of you to use together where it just. Yeah, it makes it clear that this is something we're exploring together, not something I have to bring in because you're doing a bad job.

Xander Marin (24:34)

Yeah, a couple's toy is a great idea, I think, because that's. That makes it, that makes the, the, the bringing it up, like, even more of a. Hey, wouldn't this Be something fun to try together. Because it's like, there's something possibly in it for me and something in it for you. Like, oh, like, it might be fun to see, like, if, you know, you like a little, you know, this thing that's going to be some vibration on you and vibration on me. I'd be, you know, be fun to see what this feels like. If it's something that we like or not. That would just be a fun thing to try. And then when it comes to actually trying it, I think the other key there is, is, is like, actually bringing your partner into the experience, you know, okay, if it's a toy that is kind of stimulating to both of you, then great. Like, it's stimulating to both of you. If it's really more that it's meant to be used on one of you, then maybe let your partner use it on you. So, like, actually bring them into the experience rather than it being like, okay, like, your partner is having sex with you. And you're also, like, trying to figure out how to use this toy at the same time. Like, so I could see how somebody might be like, oh, okay. Kind of like, I'm not really sure where I fit into this. So I think the key is really, like, get your partner involved from the very beginning in actually using it. So it is truly an experience you're trying out together. Not like, oh, I'm trying this out with myself. And then you're kind of on the side figuring out what to do.

Vanessa Marin (25:56)

Or use this episode to bring it up. Like, oh, hey, this week's Pillow Talks episode was all about toys. We haven't actually ever used one. Now I'm kind of curious.

Xander Marin (26:04)

Yeah. Would you ever be open to that?

Vanessa Marin (26:05)

And if you want even more of a deep dive into bringing toys in the bedroom for the very first time, we do have episode 172, which is called Bring Sex Toys into the Bedroom without making it weird. So we walk you through even more steps there.

Xander Marin (26:20)

All right, now, will your orgasm feel different with the toy?

Vanessa Marin (26:24)

It can definitely. And so here's where I will. Spoiler alert that not like, this is not really a spoiler alert, but just I will disclose that I actually don't like vibrators because my orgasm feels so different with them. For me, like, the sensation of vibrators just on my unique body. For me, it feels too intense. And I will have an orgasm super quickly, but the orgasm feels more like a sneeze. Like, there is some sense of relief and release with it, but it doesn't Feel satisfying. And it doesn't feel pleasurable really. It just feels. What?

Xander Marin (27:04)

It's like the female equivalent of a male premature ejaculation. Oh, God, it happened. But it wasn't like very big or good.

Vanessa Marin (27:15)

Not that phase. Yeah, it feels like a premature ejaculation for me. It's not enjoyable. So. Yeah, for you it might. Yeah. And the orgasm themselves, they're so hard to describe. There's like kind of this sharp quality to them and it's like, like it's a very fast orgasm. It's like one peak and then it's over. Like, I swear it could last like one second. Whereas my orgasms that I have in other ways, I mean, those can be like 20, 30 seconds with like lots of peaks and waves and, you know, different kinds of sensations. So the orgasm themselves for me feels very different in a bad way. But for other people, there are tons of people who say I have way more intense orgasms with a vibrator. And I also.

Xander Marin (27:59)

You're just doing it wrong, babe.

Vanessa Marin (28:01)

I mean, I've done a lot of R D, a lot of experimentation, a lot of exploration. I've tried so many different toys, but yeah, they're just not really my jam. Yeah. And you just won't know beforehand whether or not your orgasm is going to feel different. You just have to try it out and see.

Xander Marin (28:20)

Yeah. And honestly, we've played around with some couples toys as well with like, like some, you know, adding some vibration that I can feel. And I think, you know, this really depends on the guy. But for me personally, the vibration feels good and exciting for about 30 seconds and then it starts feeling almost like numbing. Like I. Then I feel like I'd feel less. And. And so for me, yeah, I've never really enjoyed vibration on my penis personally.

Vanessa Marin (28:51)

All right.

Xander Marin (28:52)

But cock rings can be a good addition for a guy.

Vanessa Marin (28:56)

Well, you're skipping ahead.

Xander Marin (28:57)

Oh, shoot. All right. Is it okay to not like using toys in the bedroom or is that normal?

Vanessa Marin (29:05)

Yes, that is totally normal. I do think so many people like sex toys so much that it actually creates this fear for a lot of other people of like, oh my God, is something wrong with me if it's not this earth shattering experience or I don't absolutely love them. And so, yes, it's totally normal to not like using them. I do think it's worth exploring and experimenting with a few toys. Props. Why not? But if ultimately you're like, yeah, this just isn't my vibe, that is totally fine. And like, I just shared, you know, Personally, I don't like vibrators. I don't like air suction toys. They just don't feel great on my body. But I also just want to normalize here. Like, there's no hierarchy here. Like, you're not a better person or better in bed or more advanced sexually if you like toys or if you don't like toys. It's just a tool that you can use that you can not use. But there's no hierarchy here whatsoever. So whatever is true for you, for your unique body, for your unique relationship, that's all that matters.

Xander Marin (30:07)

Yeah. You know, it's like you can eat sushi with chopsticks. You can eat it with your hands, or I guess you could eat it with a fork if that's how you want to do it. It's all good.

Vanessa Marin (30:18)

That's a really interesting comparison. Okay. It's just like sushi.

Xander Marin (30:23)

All right. Can using toys diminish the ability to find pleasure in orgasm without them?

Vanessa Marin (30:29)

Okay, I'm glad I just gave the disclaimer about. There is no hierarchy here. So this is a complicated question, but the short answer is yes. Vibrators and suction toys, like anything that's putting stimulation on your clitoris, it can change your body's sensitization to the point where your body wants to have that kind of stimulation. So now, whenever you masturbate in one specific kind of way, whether that's using a toy, the same technique with your hands, the same position with your body, watching porn, or fantasizing, like, whenever you do the same thing every single time, it eventually starts to carve out a little neural pathway in your brain, and your brain starts to associate that kind of stimulation with the experience of pleasure and orgasm.

Xander Marin (31:21)

So.

Vanessa Marin (31:21)

So over time, if you are just doing that one thing over and over and over again, you do kind of train your body to need that kind of sensation, and you can find it harder to feel pleasure or orgasm without that sensation. And the thing with, like, vibrating toys in particular is that one of the great things about them is that they make orgasm so easy. They're great for people who, you know, maybe they take a long time to orgasm. Otherwise, hands get tired. Maybe there are some issues with your ability level, so they can be awesome in that regard. But when you go back to using hands, it's like, oh, my God, this takes so much longer.

Xander Marin (32:03)

This hand is so slow. Why can't you move your finger faster?

Vanessa Marin (32:07)

I'm cramping. I'm getting tired. And so, yeah, it can make it feel like you just don't have the stamina for that. It can make it. The sensation that our hands and mouths can make is so much less than what a toy can make. So of course, if you're comparing the two, it's just not gonna feel the same on your body. And also, there's this mental piece, too, of knowing, like, with vibrators, it's so easy for a lot of people. It's like all you need to do is hold the toy to your body and then bam, you're having an orgasm a few minutes later that it kind of trains your brain mentally to almost check out a little bit of. You're just kind of waiting around for the orgasm. So figuring out how to be more present in the moment and paying attention to the sensation, that can feel harder too. So I'm not saying that to fear Monger at all. I think there's a lot of bad fear mongering that goes on around toys. I would just. I'd look at it in this way. Okay, so if you're somebody who says, I love my toys, I am totally happy having all my orgasms with them. That's great. That's awesome. Again, there's no hierarchy. So just keep doing that. It doesn't matter if you're. You're carving out that neural pathway because that's how you want to have your orgasms. That's how they feel the best. Just do that. But if you're somebody who wants to be able to experience orgasms in other kinds of ways, I would just be thoughtful about your usage. Don't use it every single time. Take breaks from it. Go cold turkey on it for a while, just so you keep your brain from making that little neural pathway.

Xander Marin (33:37)

So it's actually very much like death grip for men in a way where, you know, most people know what death grip is, where it's like, you know, men can get used to masturbating. You know, they're masturbating and then they start squeezing harder and harder and harder because, you know, that's like the way to get more stimulation. And then pretty soon you're using this extremely tight, firm grip that, that like, no toy or, or vagina can replicate. And all of a sudden, that is the only way that you can orgasm because you have desensitized yourself. And that doesn't mean that you're totally screwed, but you do have to kind of go cold turkey. You do have to give your brain a break and then start to retrain it with. With different sensation. So, yeah, very, very, very similar. Here where it's like, yeah, if you just want to death grip, masturbate for the rest of your life, that's the only way you want to have orgasms. Sure. Go for it though. I don't, I don't know. Are you gonna damage your penis long term? I'm not sure. But yeah, same, yeah, same, same here with the toys. But yeah, I think the toys are a great augmentation to your sex life. Um, but I think yeah, it can, it can be problematic if it becomes the, the like replacement for your sex life entirely because then you're kind of closing, you're, you're limiting the possibilities for yourself with, with another person in the future.

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Xander Marin (36:47)

Foreign.

Vanessa Marin (36:51)

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Xander Marin (38:08)

Okay, well, let's see. I'm not. There's a whole variety of male sex toys. Actually. I'm curious what this person is, is asking about. I think there's probably two like main varieties. Like there are, are cock rings and then like male masturbator.

Vanessa Marin (38:21)

I love how you're doing the jack off motion in the air over here.

Xander Marin (38:25)

And then male masturbator devices. Um, I'm curious which one because the, yeah, I'm curious because the, the, the method, what I would say would actually be very different depending because. Okay, let's just go through it. So like a cock ring. A cock ring is basically meant to apply pressure to either to the shaft of your penis or just kind of around the, the top of the penis and then all the way around the bottom of the balls. It's kind of hard. It's kind of hard to describe that like anatomically, but basically it's something where like the penis would come through the top of it and the balls would. It also. It sounds like a torture device, honestly when I'm describing it. You have to like, you have to see it in practice.

Vanessa Marin (39:08)

It looks a little bit like a torture device in real life, I gotta say.

Xander Marin (39:12)

But basically what happens is it provides a bunch of pressure. So it basically, basically it, it'll. It kind of traps the blood in your penis. So it's like it allows the blood to flow into your penis. So it gets hard, but it restricts the blood from draining out. So it's a way of keeping your penis harder for longer. And it, for some men it can also help them last longer in bed as well. It's kind of a person to person thing. It might make you not last long, but might. It might make you last longer as well. Or if you struggle to stay, stay hard or to get super hard, a cock ring can really help you get super hard. So that is one type. Then there are male masturbators which are kind of just like, think of like a sleeve, like a silicone sleeve that goes around your penis that basically kind of replicates a vagina.

Vanessa Marin (40:02)

You know what they remind me of? You know those, those like slippery toys. What are those called?

Xander Marin (40:08)

I have no idea where, where you could.

Vanessa Marin (40:10)

Yeah, there's like a hole in the middle and you just kind of like squeeze it and it like just flies around all over the place. Oh my God. What are those called?

Xander Marin (40:18)

I have no idea, but I know exactly what you're talking about. And I do feel like at the age of like 12 or 13, I had one. I was like, could you use this? I knew better than that because it.

Vanessa Marin (40:29)

Was full of like glitter.

Xander Marin (40:31)

Yeah, it was like full of stuff where I was like, I can't. If this thing breaks, I'm in big trouble. On. But yeah, anyway, a male masturbator is really just meant to masturbate you. I mean like, you use it to masturbate you. Then. I mean, then you can get into the advanced. They're like auto blow machines. There's. There's some real high end wild stuff that you can get into. Sex dolls if you want to. Oh, yeah, I guess so. Yes.

Vanessa Marin (40:57)

Well, there's also anal toys.

Xander Marin (40:59)

Yes. Then there are anal toys as well that are meant to stimulate the prostate, which is a whole nother area of things. But yeah, so I think that if you are talking about, if you are talking about a cock ring or a prostate stimulation device, that is something that is going to sort of like augment your ability to have intercourse with your partner. And so I think that that conversation would be very similar to what we talked about with suggesting a female focused sex target toy to your partner, where it's just like, hey, I, I was thinking it would be like fun to experiment with this. Like, are you open to trying this out together? Because both of those are just meant to, to kind of take it to another level for, for the guy. Like the cock ring help you kind of be harder for longer. And then a prostate stimulator is meant to add an additional source of pleasure. Basically, it's actually possible for men to completely orgasm from just prostate stimulation, which Is. I don't know if that's a little known fact. I feel like it kind of is. Like, I think a lot of men don't realize that there's an entire other way that they can orgasm, but it is.

Vanessa Marin (42:14)

That's another podcast.

Xander Marin (42:15)

It's really only accessible from within the butt. But anyway, yeah, so with that, the conversation is more like, this could be a fun thing for us to try together. Like, are you open to, like, having a new experience with that? With a male masturbator? That's not really something that you can use while you are having sex with your partner. That's more of a, I would love to watch you do this. And so I think that can be a really straightforward conversation. Hey, I've been thinking it would be super hot to watch you play with this. Like, I want to, you know, I want to see you play with this or I want to play with this on you. I think that would be super hot. Um, that one. I think that one's really easy.

Vanessa Marin (42:56)

Okay, so I googled toy that you hold onto, slide out of your hand filled with glitter.

Xander Marin (43:03)

Great.

Vanessa Marin (43:05)

It's called a water wiggler.

Xander Marin (43:08)

A water wiggler.

Vanessa Marin (43:09)

A water snake, or a water weenie. Water weenie.

Xander Marin (43:14)

It's weird that it's a water weenie because honestly, it's more of a vulva vagina equivalent, I would say. I mean, from the.

Vanessa Marin (43:27)

They sell them now as they're, like on Amazon as Fidget toys.

Xander Marin (43:32)

Makes sense. That checks out. That checks out for me.

Vanessa Marin (43:36)

Water snake.

Xander Marin (43:37)

Wow. Anything else you would add for.

Vanessa Marin (43:40)

No, I think you covered it. But also, I was a little distracted looking at the water wigglers, so I hope you covered it well. Okay.

Xander Marin (43:48)

All right. I like using sex toys by myself, but not with my partner. How do I tell my partner I'm not into using them with me? Him.

Vanessa Marin (43:57)

Oh, that's a tough one. Why don't you like using them with him? I'm curious. I mean, how would you. Yeah. How would you feel if I said, I like to use this on my own, but I don't want to use it with you?

Xander Marin (44:14)

I mean, I guess, well, for us, just between you and me, like, personally, I wouldn't really mind that. I don't feel like I. I've never had the experience of you being like, oh, I actually, like, use my toy twice today, so I'm not open to having sex with you. I've. I. You know, I don't know. I think I feel like very early in our relationship, you used vibrators more than you Don't. You don't really use them now. And I. So I think, you know, I have. We have had that experience of using you, having a toy that you could use when, whenever you wanted, throughout the day, you know, while I wasn't home or whatever. I never felt like that conflicted with our sex life. And honestly, I enjoy the thought of you doing that. So that never bothered me. I guess my question would be, like, in this case, is this something that is going to bother your partner also? I do really wonder though, is this something that, that. Is there any conflict with you using this toy? And is. Does that conflict with the sex life that you have with your partner? Like, if this is a situation where it's like, I would rather use a toy than have physical intimacy with my partner, then that.

Vanessa Marin (45:30)

Reading it that way, I'm reading it as, yeah, like, I. I just don't want to use the toy around him. So that makes me think, are you embarrassed using the toy? Like, I'm embarrassed of him watching me. Because, like, I think some, some women do get self conscious about this because again, the way that a lot of women use them is you're literally just lying there and like, hold it there and let it do its job. And so, I mean, a lot of women get self conscious about masturbating in front of their partner in general.

Xander Marin (45:58)

Yeah.

Vanessa Marin (45:59)

So it might be more of something like that. In which case I think it's worth working on getting more comfortable on that. There's nothing embarrassing about masturbating. We've actually talked to a lot of men about this. We're like, okay, is there any technique that she could use or toys she could use? Or weird face that she would have? Or weird noise she would have, a weird position, she'd have her body. And that you would think, like, watching her masturbate is not sexy. And I've literally never heard a man say there was anything that could make watching a woman masturbate not sexy.

Xander Marin (46:31)

Yeah, I mean, I think pretty much. Much any man that is attracted to women has been fantasizing about this from about age 13 or whenever they hit puberty. So, yeah, I. In all the fantasies that I've had in my life about that, there's never been any worry of, like, oh, I want, I want to see this so bad. But what if it's gross? But what if she does something weird? It's like, I don't care what she does. I want to know what. I want to know what she does not like it. She'd better do it in these three ways that I somehow find acceptable as a member of the opposite sex that doesn't have those parts and has no idea how they work. You know, the other way that I'm reading this question is I'm wondering if the partner is like, hey, I know that you have toys, and. And you use them, and I would love to use them, like, when we're having sex. I think that would be super hot. And. But your perspective is, you know, that just feels like a bit much to me. Maybe you tried it once or twice, and it was like. Like too much stimulation or you found yourself distracted, or it was just, like, too hard to kind of use the toy in the way that you like to use the toy and also have your partner stimulating you or having sex with you or whatever. That's a totally understandable situation because, yeah, like, it can be a lot like, you know, it's. It's. In a way, it's like having a threesome in a way. Like, you. You have to concentrate on somebody else and also the toy, and if that's too much for you, I think that's totally okay. So with that, I would just sort of say, you know, hey, like, I know. Know that, you know, we've done this once or twice before. I, you know, I know that it's. I know it's, you know, it's super hot to you that I use this toy. My experience in the moment was that I was just finding myself distracted and I was not enjoying myself as much as I do when it's just you and me together. So when it's you and me together, I would just prefer that we focus on us. Cause it's like, it felt for me, it was, like, too much to manage, or I wasn't enjoying myself that much.

Vanessa Marin (48:28)

Yeah.

Xander Marin (48:28)

And I think that that's totally fair because, honestly, that's like a big compliment to your partner. It's like, hey, I actually enjoy just you and me more than the three of us.

Vanessa Marin (48:39)

Three of us. All right.

Xander Marin (48:41)

Okay. Now, on the flip side, should we be using toys every time? I feel like my husband would rather me use a toy to finish than do the work himself. We're getting all ends of the spectrum here. I like this.

Vanessa Marin (48:53)

There are two different questions in this. One is, should we be using toys every time? Time. If you want to. There's no right or wrong here. Like, like I was saying earlier, if you like having all your orgasms with a toy, then by all means, use a toy. But, yeah, there are no hard and fast rules. Like, oh, once you start using toys, you must use them every single time going forward. So that's totally up to you. The second part of it is a different thing, though. My husband would rather me use a toy to finish than do the work himself. I don't think that's very cool on the husband's part. That feels lazy.

Xander Marin (49:26)

Yeah. So what it sounds to me is the. If I could guess what sex looks like in your relationship, I'm envisioning a little bit of groping helping get him hard. Then he pounds away for one to two minutes, comes. It's all about him. And then he's like, oh, great, we got this vibrator. Why don't you finish yourself off? Yeah, right. Like, that's not a very interactive experience. Like, yeah, this is. And yeah, I could. I could see how his perspective is. Oh, well, you can get an orgasm, too, but I can see how that you wouldn't come away very satisfied with that. It's like, so I just, like, lay here while you're pounding away at me. It's not very pleasurable for me. And then it's like, okay, cool, so you got to have your orgasm with me, and now I get to have my orgasm by myself. Like. Like, I hate to break it to this dude, but the real question is, is, like, she doesn't need you at all. Like. Like, you're creating a situation where you're almost incentivizing your partner to, like, just masturbate by themselves. Like, they can. They. They will have a better experience just using that vibrator by themselves than, you know, having to kind of put up with you. Them doing it to you for, you know, a couple minutes, and then. Then. And then it's over. So I think it would be a better idea for the two of you to focus on creating a better experience for both people.

Vanessa Marin (50:57)

Yeah, I agree.

Xander Marin (50:59)

And I think that. I think that what can go wrong here is that there's this idea that, okay, if penetration is not particularly pleasurable on its own for the woman, then, like, then, okay, well, that's just how it is. And then we got a. To, like, add the stimulation afterwards. That is for her. And that is totally fine if. If you guys are both excited about that. But I think that people forget that there are a lot of ways to create a lot of stimulation before you even start the intercourse or stimulate the clitoris while you are having intercourse. And hey, if this guy is, you know, likes to just kind of pound away and then come really fast, like, he's going to need to figure out how to slow it down a little bit or maybe maybe go back and forth between different things so that he can draw the experience out for you and give you enough time to get the stimulation you need, you know, during, throughout, or in between stints of intercourse.

Vanessa Marin (51:58)

Yeah, I mean, I guess if we want to try to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe it's coming from a place of like, it's so hot to watch you use the toy that like, I just want to watch that every time. But even then it's like, no, it feels a little lazy. You should be involved and invested in your partner having orgasms. So one step could be like, how about he mans the toy like he's the one using it on you, so at least you know there's a little bit more participation from him.

Xander Marin (52:25)

Yeah, that would be a good first step.

Vanessa Marin (52:30)

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Xander Marin (53:20)

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To vmtherapy.com and use code PILLOW for 25% off your first month. Just for pillow talks listeners. All right. And finally, how do you store toys so that your kids don't find them?

Vanessa Marin (53:57)

Yeah, this is. We're going to share some funny stories in a minute. We are always hearing stories about kids finding the sex toys, so do not just put it in your bedside table. If you're worried about that, I would recommend there actually are are toy companies that make boxes for toys that have little locks on them so you could find something like that or just any lockbox yeah. Go to get any lock box. I'm sure you can go to, like, Home Depot or something and find, like a cheap little, you know, lock that you can have. So that's what I would recommend. It is a bummer because it, you know, it makes it difficult to pull out more in the moment because you gotta, like, fiddle with a little lock and key and all of that. But if you're worried about your kids finding it. Yeah. Either maybe somewhere high up in a closet where they can't reach reach. Or get a little box that you can put in your bedside table or under the bed that has a lock on it.

Xander Marin (54:47)

Yeah, maybe. Oh, if you. If you want to speed up accessing it in the moment, maybe try one with like a combo lock, like, you know, like three numbers or something like that.

Vanessa Marin (54:58)

That might be some, like, high tech.

Xander Marin (55:00)

Yeah.

Vanessa Marin (55:00)

A little handprint.

Xander Marin (55:01)

No, no, but like, there's probably one with like, you know, just like top three numbers or something. Thing. I don't know.

Vanessa Marin (55:09)

It depends on how much money you want to spend on this, but. Yeah.

Xander Marin (55:12)

Well, yeah, because if it's. Because if it's a lock with an actual key, then you have to hide the key somewhere too. And that's like a whole other thing. So, you know, I'm just thinking.

Vanessa Marin (55:19)

I'm thinking more of one of those, like, bike lock combinations.

Xander Marin (55:22)

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm thinking too.

Vanessa Marin (55:23)

Okay.

Xander Marin (55:24)

Yeah. Numbers. Couple numbers.

Vanessa Marin (55:27)

I thought you were meaning more like a keypad type. Oh, no, that's going to be more expensive.

Xander Marin (55:30)

No, any kind of. Just like basic. Basic lock that is easy to unlock without a key because then you have to hide a key. That's what I would suggest.

Vanessa Marin (55:39)

All right. Okay, so let's share some funny stories. We turned to our Instagram audience when we were getting these questions, and we said, does anybody have any funny sex toy related stories? So we'll wrap up with a couple of these. Okay. My son found our gem butt plug and asked the nanny what it was. We were mortified.

Xander Marin (55:58)

I was in a meeting and my teething baby found the sex toys and was gnawing on them through a fit when I tried to take it away.

Vanessa Marin (56:07)

Not the teething. And this is why you need body safe material.

Xander Marin (56:11)

Yeah. You know, just in case.

Vanessa Marin (56:12)

Chomping on them.

Xander Marin (56:14)

If you're not worried about yourself absorbing it, then at least think about your baby.

Vanessa Marin (56:19)

Every time my dog hears the vibrator, he tries to take it.

Xander Marin (56:23)

Send that dog out of the room when you're using it.

Vanessa Marin (56:27)

He must think it's Like a toy? Yeah, I mean, I guess it kind of, like, kind of look like a fun little dog toy.

Xander Marin (56:33)

I mean, you were just showing me a reel that you thought had an Easter egg in it, which was a dog toy. That was a dildo.

Vanessa Marin (56:40)

Sure looked like one to me. That thing looked veiny. It was the right shape, the right size.

Xander Marin (56:47)

It was not flared at the base, though, which gave me some worries.

Vanessa Marin (56:50)

You do got to be careful about a flared base. Anything that's going in your butt. How do we not talk about the flared base rule in a sex toys episode? Here's the rule. Anything that's going in your butt has to have a flared base. The base has to be much wider than the toy itself because your butt is very strong, and it will suck a sex toy right up into it. Trust me, your local ER nurses and doctors will be so grateful if you make sure to get flared bass. Nothing goes up your butt without a flared base.

Xander Marin (57:22)

Yeah, they have to deal with this nonsense way more than you realize.

Vanessa Marin (57:27)

All the time.

Xander Marin (57:28)

Way more than you realize. And they would really prefer to not have to, you know, take time away from people coming into the yard for. For, like, car crashes to help people fish things out of their butt. But they will help you.

Vanessa Marin (57:41)

We should have asked.

Xander Marin (57:42)

And they won't. They won't judge you. They won't judge you. But they see it too often. We know that. All right. I ordered a package of anal sex toys and forgot my in laws were over. And I opened the package right in front of them. That's how they found out I was into butt stuff.

Vanessa Marin (57:59)

When I was 37 weeks pregnant with my first child, there were complications and I had to go to the hospital for a few days. My sweet family wanted to. To go do laundry and clean my house for us, but I realized I had left my vibrator out on my bedside table. They were insisting, so I had to call my sister, ask her to run in before anyone else and move it. She threw it in a drawer, and we have never spoken of it since. Don't leave your toys out, people. At least put them in the drawer.

Xander Marin (58:28)

The horror that someone. Someone knows that you masturbate.

Vanessa Marin (58:33)

Well, actually, that's another reason to buy a specific case for them. I'm remembering now. There's actually a company. I can't remember the name of it, but they sent one to me a while ago where it's. Actually, the case is made out of an antibacterial or antimicrobial material, so it keeps the toy safe. Because if you Just throw your toys in your bedside table, like, oh, germs. Bacteria. Yeah, germs. Dust collecting. Then you don't want to put stuff like that inside yourself. So. Another reason to get a nice case for them. So it also keeps them clean.

Xander Marin (59:04)

Yeah. All right. Finally, girlfriend had to go to the hospital, got anal beads stuck because they.

Vanessa Marin (59:12)

Probably didn't have a flared base.

Xander Marin (59:15)

Oh, yeah. Wait, but do anal be our anal beads? Also a flared base or just a long string?

Vanessa Marin (59:21)

I mean, they should have. They usually have, like, a ring at the end.

Xander Marin (59:25)

Oh, yeah. Like something that can't get.

Vanessa Marin (59:26)

And you can use to, like, pull them out.

Xander Marin (59:28)

Yeah. Get to get some leverage.

Vanessa Marin (59:29)

Yeah.

Xander Marin (59:30)

Yep. Hey, at least it wasn't. At least it wasn't something, you know, like, that has no real business going in your butt. Like a soda can.

Vanessa Marin (59:41)

Those are the real nurse stories. People put weird stuff, like, not a sex toy. Put weird stuff up their butt, and then they. I feel like they always try to pretend that it was an accident. Like, I fell in the shampoo bottle. Like, I fell on the bottle in the shower and it went up my butt.

Xander Marin (59:57)

Or I didn't put anything there. I didn't know that was there. Oh, my God. I just was having anal pain. I mean, maybe someone put it in me in my sleep.

Vanessa Marin (60:07)

I feel like we need to do a. Like, we need to share stories on our Instagram account about this. When this episode comes out, ask nurses, like, what's the weirdest thing you've pulled out of someone's butt? We got. I'm sure we will get stories, so come follow us on Instagram where Vanessa and Xander keep an eye out for all the funny stuff people have put in their butt stories. All right, well, that is it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening, and join us again next week. We release new episodes every Thursday.