Pillow Talks Podcast, Episode E224: The Ultimate Beginner’s Guide to Sex Toys & Tools
Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin
Release Date: September 4, 2025
Episode Theme:
A candid, in-depth beginner’s guide to sex toys—covering safety, first-time use, couples’ conversations, dispelling myths, and sharing honest stories and advice for integrating toys into your sex life.
Episode Overview
This week, Vanessa (sex therapist of 20+ years) and her husband Xander answer listener questions about sex toys and tools—demystifying safety, addressing partner sensitivity, picky preferences, and how to initiate these conversations. They blend expertise with humor, practical advice, and personal anecdotes for people who are thinking about exploring sex toys for the first time, bringing frank and accessible sex education straight to their audience.
Key Discussion Points and Insights
1. Sex Toy Safety and Materials
[Timestamps 04:15–11:10]
- Why Material Matters: Many sex toys on the market aren’t made with body-safe materials due to minimal industry regulation.
- Red Flags: Anything labeled "for novelty use only" or toys with strong, tire-like odors should be avoided.
- Unsafe Materials to Avoid:
- Jelly rubber, cyberskin, “real feel” labeled materials, fragrances, and flavors.
- Phthalates: Harmful plasticizers that can leach into skin, disrupt hormones, and irritate or harm reproductive health.
- Safe Materials Recommended:
- Medical grade silicone, stainless steel, and (carefully) borosilicate glass.
- Purchasing Advice:
- Avoid buying from Amazon due to counterfeits and unregulated sellers.
- Purchase directly from reputable manufacturers or curated online shops.
Notable Quote:
“If you see ‘for novelty use only’—run. Do not use that product.”
—Vanessa [06:03]
2. Choosing and Using Your First Toy
[Timestamps 11:10–13:37]
- Recommended Starter Toy:
- A small, simple clitoral vibrator with adjustable speed.
- Everyone’s preferences and sensitivities vary—experimentation expected.
- Trying Different Sensations:
- Air pulse/suction toys as a second option, offering a different experience than vibrators.
- Managing Intensity:
- Tone down stimulation by using toys over underwear or clothing.
- Try vibrating through the labia rather than directly on the clitoris.
Notable Quote:
“For female orgasm and pleasure, it’s all about the clitoris. If you’re confused by that, scroll back a few episodes!”
—Vanessa [11:13]
3. Talking to Your Partner About Toys (Especially a Hesitant Male Partner)
[Timestamps 19:25–26:20]
- Common Emotional Concerns:
- Some men feel threatened by toys, seeing them as a reflection of inadequacy.
- Best Framing Approach:
- “I’m curious about trying this together—it could be fun for both of us.”
- Include toys that both partners can enjoy; couples’ toys can shift the dynamic to team exploration.
- Avoid framing toys as a solution to unsatisfying sex—invite collaboration, not replacement.
Notable Quotes:
“It’s all about the delivery of how you suggest it—bring your partner in from the beginning so it’s something you explore together.”
—Xander [23:31]
“This is not something I have to bring in because you’re doing a bad job. We’re exploring this together.”
—Vanessa [24:02]
4. How Sex Toys Can Change Your Orgasm
[Timestamps 26:20–29:05]
- Different Sensations:
- Toy-induced orgasms, especially with vibrators, can feel sharper, shorter, or more intense—but not always in a satisfying way.
- Vanessa shares she prefers non-vibrator orgasms, describing toy climaxes as quick, “like a sneeze.”
- Try and See:
- Sensations are so individual—what’s enjoyable for one might be lackluster for another.
Notable Quote:
“For me, the sensation of vibrators on my unique body feels too intense… It’s like a sneeze. There is some sense of relief and release, but it doesn’t feel satisfying.”
—Vanessa [26:24]
5. Is It Normal Not to Like Toys?
[Timestamps 29:05–30:29]
- Perfectly Normal:
- Not everyone enjoys toys; sexual “hierarchy” is a myth.
- Try to experiment, but no pressure if it’s not your thing.
- No sexual merit badge for toy use.
Notable Quote:
“There’s no hierarchy here. You’re not a better person or in bed if you like toys.”
—Vanessa [30:07]
6. Can Toys Reduce Sensitivity Without Them? (The Neural Pathways Question)
[Timestamps 30:29–33:37]
- Possible, But Manageable:
- Exclusive reliance on toys (or any single technique) can “train” your brain/body to respond best to that stimulus.
- Solution: Switch it up; don’t use toys every time if you want to preserve a variety of pleasurable responses.
- If you find it harder to climax with hands/partner, take breaks to “retrain” sensitivity.
Notable Quotes:
“Whenever you do the same thing every single time, it starts to carve out a little neural pathway… It can get harder to feel pleasure or orgasm without that sensation.”
—Vanessa [31:21]
7. Male Sex Toys: Explaining and Introducing
[Timestamps 38:08–43:36]
- Types Discussed:
- Cock rings: Enhance erection, increase staying power.
- Masturbators (“fleshlights”): Sleeve-like toys mimicking vaginal or anal sex.
- Prostate stimulators: Can lead to intense, entirely different orgasms for men.
- How to Suggest:
- For cock rings/prostate toys: Position as enhancing the shared experience, like trying a new position together.
- For masturbators: Express an interest in the eroticism of watching, or mutual exploration.
- Humor Break:
- Relates male masturbators’ feel to “water wigglers”—those squishy toys from childhood, now dubbed “water weenies.”
8. When You Like Toys Solo, But Not with Your Partner
[Timestamps 43:48–48:39]
- Potential Reasons:
- Embarrassment, feeling self-conscious about use or technique.
- Overwhelm from multitasking with both toy and partner.
- Sharing Preferences:
- Frame honestly but gently: “I find I enjoy my toy more on my own; I really prefer focusing on the two of us together.”
- Per Vanessa’s male interviews: “There’s nothing unsexy about a woman using toys or masturbating in front of a partner.”
9. Should We Use Toys Every Time? When It Feels Like a ‘Shortcut’ for Him
[Timestamps 48:41–52:25]
- No Rule:
- Using toys as often or as little as you want is fine—until it starts feeling like a substitute for true connection.
- Red Flag:
- If the partner hands over the toy instead of participating in pleasuring you, that’s lazy and unsatisfying.
- Encourage mutual involvement; let the partner operate the toy, participate in pleasure-giving.
Notable Quotes:
“If you like having all your orgasms with a toy, then by all means, use a toy. But…my husband would rather me use a toy to finish than do the work himself? That feels lazy.”
—Vanessa [48:53]
“You’re almost incentivizing your partner to masturbate by herself. They can have a better experience than having to put up with you.”
—Xander [50:06]
10. Storing Sex Toys & Kids/Families
[Timestamps 53:40–59:04]
- Hide Them Well:
- Locked boxes (with combinations or locks), high shelves, or antimicrobial toy cases recommended.
- Don’t just use a bedside table.
- Funny Listener Stories:
- Kids and pets “finding” toys (baby gnawing, dog stealing vibrators, child asking about gem butt-plug).
- The “flared base” safety rule for all anal toys—a must to avoid ER visits.
Notable Quotes:
“Anything that’s going in your butt has to have a flared base. The butt is very strong and will suck a sex toy right up.”
—Vanessa [56:50]
“They would prefer to not have to take time away from car crashes to help people fish things out of their butt. But they will help you.”
—Xander [57:28]
Memorable Moments & Humor Highlights
- Labubu/Lefoufu Confusion: Opening riff on children’s toys versus sex toys sets a playful, “slightly nerdy” tone. [01:00–02:20]
- Vanessa’s Honesty:
“I actually don’t like vibrators because my orgasm feels so different with them.” [26:24]
- Xander’s Partner Empathy:
“Bring your partner in from the start so it’s something you both explore.” [23:31]
- Dog and Baby Anecdotes: Kids and pets “discovering” toys show the importance of safe storage—plus lots of laughs. [55:58]
- Flared Base PSA: Vanessa and Xander’s emphatic, cheeky warning about butt toy safety. [56:50]
Quick Reference: Key Timestamps
- Materials & Safety: 04:15–11:10
- First Toy Advice: 11:10–13:37
- Partner Communication Tips: 19:25–26:20
- Orgasm Differences / Not Liking Toys: 26:20–30:29
- Sensitivity Changes: 30:29–33:37
- Male Toys & Suggesting: 38:08–43:36
- Not Wanting Toys with Partner: 43:48–48:39
- Should Toys Be Every Time?: 48:41–52:25
- Storage & Kids: 53:40–59:04
- Funny Listener Stories: 55:58–59:57
Conclusion
Vanessa and Xander deliver an expert yet accessible primer on sex toys, merging real-talk safety and technique info with partner-inclusive advice, and a healthy dose of humor. Whether you’re nervous about introducing a toy, not sure how to choose, or worried about what’s “normal,” this episode offers answers, reassurance, and plenty of laughs—reminding listeners that pleasure, experimentation, and communication are all part of a healthy, happy sex life.
For more resources, referenced retailers, and past episodes on orgasms and toys, visit the Marin’s website (linked in show notes).