Pillow Talks Podcast – Episode 225 Detailed Summary
Title: The Truth About Sex and Aging: Menopause, Erectile Dysfunction, and Libido
Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin
Date: September 11, 2025

Overview

In this episode, Vanessa (sex therapist) and Xander Marin (self-described “regular dude” and relationship expert by osmosis) answer listeners’ most pressing questions about sex and aging. They debunk myths about libido, discuss menopause and erectile dysfunction, and offer both research-backed data and candid personal anecdotes. Vanessa and Xander celebrate sexual connection at every age and tackle taboo topics with humor, warmth, and lots of practical advice.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Is There an Age When You're "Too Old" for Sex?

• Myth-Busting: No age is “too old” for sex; bodies change, but sexuality doesn't have an expiration date.
  • “As long as you’re feeling good and want to stay connected to your partner, keep having sex.” — Vanessa (04:03)
• Aging & Sexual Frequency: Their poll of over 70,000 people showed frequency doesn't drop off a cliff with age; most people still have sex regularly, and some even more as they get older.
  • “People ages 50-plus are just as likely as people aged 18 to 29 to be having sex four plus times a week.” — Vanessa (06:15)
• Context Matters: Factors like free time, no kids at home, and no pregnancy risk can actually increase sexual activity in older adults.
• STIs in Older Adults: Highest STI transmission rates are now in the 65+ demographic, indicating continued (and perhaps more carefree) sexual activity.

2. Libido: How & Why Does It Change?

• Normal Variations: It's common for libido to go up for one partner and down for another, especially as people age. Gender roles (“men always want more sex”) are often myths.
  • “Forty-five percent of male-female relationships, it’s actually the woman who wants sex more.” — Vanessa (11:33)
• Testosterone & Men: Xander discusses personal experience with lower (but technically “normal”) testosterone and how addressing this medically helped, though he notes the path isn’t for everyone.
  • “Your entire sex drive is one of the very last things to go…You’d have to be really, really at the bottom end of the scale.” — Xander (12:02)
• Hormones Aren’t Everything: Vanessa cautions that hormones are only one piece; relationship quality, stress, sleep, and physical health are bigger factors.
  • “People have this tendency to think that hormones are the number one thing—and…they’re just one very small piece.” — Vanessa (14:28)
• When to Seek Help: Sudden, significant drops in libido or complete loss of interest may be a sign to consult a doctor.
• Types of Sex Drive: They reference previous episodes on spontaneous vs. responsive desire, and the importance of understanding one's own “drive type.”

3. Navigating Menopause, Perimenopause & Changing Desire

• Perimenopause Defined: The years leading up to menopause marked by major hormone shifts, often bringing emotional and sexual changes.
• Educating Yourself & Your Partner: Both partners should learn about menopause so it’s not mysterious or scary; sharing resources and conversations are key.
  • “I am really glad that we are starting to talk about menopause and perimenopause more openly…people need to understand what to expect.” — Vanessa (20:47)
• Culture Shapes Menopause Experience: Vanessa shares cross-cultural research: societies viewing menopause as a positive transition report fewer symptoms.
  • “In other cultures…menopause is a reawakening or freedom. They report experiencing far fewer symptoms.” — Vanessa (26:24)
• Impact on Intimacy: Changing desire doesn’t mean the end of intimacy. Many people over-focus on “drive” and forget enjoyment and connection are just as vital.
  • “Desire is not the number one most important thing.” — Vanessa (30:15)

4. Body Image & Feeling Sexy as You Age

• Rejecting the “20-Year-Old Ideal”: Both share vulnerability about changing bodies, discussing pressures (for women especially) to look perpetually young, and calling for respect and kindness for all bodies at all ages.
  • “You literally can’t have your body look like your 20-year-old body…so we can spend all this time and energy bemoaning the fact or we can find ways to love and respect our body as it is now.” — Vanessa (35:21)
• Growing Old Together: The sweetness of long-term intimacy and mutual acceptance is highlighted.
  • “There’s something really beautiful about growing old with someone.” — Vanessa (36:29)
• Gentle Humor: Xander quips how shocking it would be to wake up with a 22-year-old version of Vanessa now (“I’m not sure if I’d feel okay with having sex with 22-year-old you!”) (37:56)

5. Practical Solutions for Physical Changes

• Sex Positions & Mobility: Adapt positions using pillows/props; spooning or edge-of-bed sex can reduce strain. Their “Ultimate Sex Guide” offers 42 realistic positions with modifications.
• Lubrication & Vaginal Dryness: Vaginal dryness is common; it doesn’t signal low desire. External lube is recommended—try different kinds until you find a good match.
  • “Lube is our friend. We recommend it to pretty much every couple.” — Vanessa (45:14)
• Labia & Vulva Changes: Menopause can thin and shrink labial tissue—Vanessa admits surprise at having just learned this even as a sex therapist. More lube and medical consultation can help with discomfort.

6. Maintaining Excitement & Novelty

• Try New (or Old) Things: “Keeping it spicy” isn’t just about endless novelty—it’s about avoiding ruts and bringing old favorites back.
  • “Keeping it spicy doesn’t have to be brand new. It can be something that’s been out of the rotation for a long time.” — Xander (51:20)
• Reminisce & Rediscover: Remembering and even retrying things you enjoyed—or didn’t like in the past—can provide new pleasure as preferences change.
  • “Retry things that you maybe tried a long time ago that didn’t go so well…our bodies change, our preferences change.” — Xander (52:46)

7. Erectile Dysfunction & Other Male Concerns

• ED Is Common with Age: It’s important not to make assumptions or treat ED as a catastrophe or a threat to masculinity. Open, honest, non-judgmental conversations are key.
  • “This is not something that you’re gonna solve for your partner…you’re willing to talk about together in a non-judgmental and just open and honest way.” — Xander (54:09)
• Sex Beyond Penetration: Explore toys, hands, mouth, and other erogenous zones to keep intimacy alive even when erections are inconsistent.
• See a Doctor: There are many treatment options available now for erection difficulties.

8. Audience Reflections: Silver Linings of Aging

• Listeners shared messages underscoring more confidence, better sex, and deeper intimacy with age.
  • “My confidence has gotten so much better as I’ve gotten older. I wish I knew that in my 20s.”
  • “We’re having the best sex now at 57 and 65.” (58:22)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Sex at Any Age:
  “There’s no such thing as too old to have sex. Like, as long as you’re feeling good and want to stay connected to your partner, keep having sex.” — Vanessa (04:03)
• Changing Preferences:
  “If we woke up tomorrow and you were back to 22-year-old Vanessa, that would be quite a shock for me...I’m not sure if I’d feel okay with having sex with 22-year-old you!” — Xander (37:56)
• Hormones are not everything
  “Hormones…are just one very small piece of the puzzle.” — Vanessa (14:28)
• Celebrating Aging
  “People overestimate the downside of aging, loss of looks, etc., and ignore the upsides: feeling more free and confident.” — Listener message (58:14)
• Embracing Body Changes:
  “I think you can tell when somebody is treating their body with love, kindness and respect. And it's not about what their body looks like, but there's just this energy.” — Vanessa (36:43)
• On Menopause Attitudes:
  “In cultures where they have a more positive view of menopause…women report experiencing far fewer symptoms.” — Vanessa (26:24)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 03:33 – "How old is too old for sex?" & survey findings
• 06:29 – Frequency of sex in different age groups
• 11:11 – Libido: Changes, partners, and what's normal
• 12:02 – Xander’s personal testosterone and libido journey
• 16:27 – When to worry about dropping libido
• 19:10 – Perimenopause: defining, discussing, and preparing
• 24:24 – Vanessa’s personal perimenopause reflections and cross-cultural research
• 33:31 – Body image and feeling sexy with an aging body
• 39:55 – Mobility: accommodating changing bodies in the bedroom
• 44:38 – Addressing vaginal dryness and need for lube
• 46:17 – How labia and vulva change with menopause
• 49:57 – “Keeping it spicy” and bringing old favorites back
• 54:01 – Erectile dysfunction: handling with intimacy and openness
• 58:14 – Community messages about the upsides of sex and aging

Tone & Style

Fun, honest, and super approachable. Vanessa and Xander riff off each other with playful banter (even tongue-twister flubs like "perimenopause"), share both professional expertise and personal vulnerability, and intersperse data and research with jokes and authenticity. They invite listeners to celebrate sex at every age, let go of shame, and prioritize connection over perfection.

For those who haven’t listened:
You’ll leave this episode reassured that aging—far from being the end of your sex life—may hold some of the best intimacy of all. The Marins balance friendly advice with research and real talk, making this a resource for couples navigating change at every stage of life.