Pillow Talks – Episode 227: Initiation: What You’re Getting Wrong And How To Get It Right
Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin
Date: September 25, 2025
Episode Overview
In this episode, Vanessa and Xander dive deep into the topic of sexual initiation in relationships—the ways couples invite each other to sex, what goes wrong, and how it can be improved. Drawing from their professional and personal experiences, as well as crowd-sourced insights from their audience, they tackle misconceptions, practical strategies, and offer a comprehensive list of 11 common reasons partners get frustrated with initiation. With plenty of humor and vulnerability, they break it down so listeners can make tangible, positive changes in their own relationships.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
Why Initiation Matters
- Most couples get initiation wrong: Instead of being an exciting, connective act, it often becomes routine, high-pressure, or unsatisfying for one or both partners ([00:00]–[01:05]).
- A big misconception: People think initiation is just the "do you want to do it?" moment, but it's much more layered, involving communication, timing, style, and mutual understanding ([03:13], Vanessa).
- Successful initiation transforms sex: When you get initiation right, sex becomes more connected and enjoyable—for both partners ([03:26], Vanessa).
The 11 Reasons Your Partner May Be Annoyed or Frustrated When You Initiate Sex
1. The Way You Initiate ([10:52])
- Groping and Predictability: Most people don't like when initiation is just a boob, butt, or genital grab. "Any sort of boob, butt or genital groping to initiate...76% of our audience say that they get annoyed when their partner initiates by just being grabby like that." (Podcast Host, [11:07])
- Feels like objectification: Some feel like they’re viewed as a sexual object rather than a partner needing connection and variety.
2. How Often You Initiate ([16:32])
- Spray and Pray: Constant or jokey initiations (“every day, multiple times a day”) can feel overwhelming or desperate.
- Host Insight: “Not only are your jokes not funny because you’re wearing it out, but they are dreading you initiating sex.” (Xander, [17:57])
3. Waiting Until It's Too Late at Night ([19:47])
- Timing matters: Most people are too tired and unreceptive late at night. “We had all day. Why now at 11pm?” (Podcast Host, [20:11])
- Host Tip: Have sex earlier in the day—dubbed the "Fuck First Rule." Discuss scheduling and preferences around timing and waking each other up.
4. Initiating When Partner Is Doing Something (For You or Family) ([26:58])
- Interrupting caregiving or chores: Creates resentment and highlights possible imbalances in responsibility.
- Appreciate—and acknowledge—your partner's efforts first. “If your partner’s getting really irritated in those moments, I bet...they’re also just feeling like, ‘I do so much for you, for this family. And like, sex just feels like yet another thing on my to-do list.’” (Podcast Host, [28:10])
- Workaround Suggestion: Express desire verbally without interrupting tasks— “I just want you to know that I think you are so sexy right now..." ([31:29])
5. Initiating When Partner Is Doing Something (For Themselves/Self-Care) ([37:31])
- Respect alone time: Interrupting rare moments of self-care (workouts, showers) can feel disrespectful.
- Discuss and support each other’s need for alone time.
6. Lack of Emotional Connection ([40:18])
- No affection, no connection: Initiations feel abrupt and disconnected when there’s no emotional intimacy or unresolved conflict.
- “I feel so disconnected from my partner...but they don’t seem to notice or care.” (Audience quote, [41:01])
- Recognize that some people need emotional intimacy before physical intimacy, and for others, the reverse is true.
7. Nothing in It for Them / Lack of Pleasure or Enjoyment ([42:41])
- One-sided sex: If one partner consistently doesn’t get pleasure or their needs are ignored, resentment builds.
- "Sex is over when he’s had an orgasm, but mine is never a priority.” (Audience quote, [43:08])
8. Shame Around Not Being Turned On Immediately ([44:27])
- Initiation can feel like a pop quiz: If you’re not immediately in the mood, you might feel ashamed or inadequate.
- Vanessa: “Sometimes sex can feel like a pop quiz...and then there’s this little bit of shame that comes up for me.” ([44:29])
9. Difficulty Changing Mental Tracks Quickly ([47:33])
- Some people can’t pivot from another task or mindset to sex instantly, especially if they're focused or anxious.
- “Once I'm in the groove of doing something, it's really difficult to just snap to being turned on.” (Audience quote, [47:53])
10. Not Feeling Physically Able (Illness, Pain, Pregnancy) ([50:36])
- Health and comfort issues make sex unappealing or impossible at times.
- "I’ve felt pelvic floor pain so I just see sex as something uncomfortable, which in turn makes me feel annoyed." (Audience quote, [50:52])
11. Feeling Like Sex Is Expected or Owed ([52:22])
- “Sex just feels like yet another expectation that I need to do.” (Audience quote, [52:52])
- Obligation and pressure kill desire; initiation should feel like an invitation, not an expectation.
Solutions & Practical Tools
- Coach your partner with specifics: Don’t just say "don’t do that"—say what you’d like instead ([15:22], Xander).
- Nonsexual touch: Work more nonsexual, affectionate touch into your day ([12:20], Xander).
- Communicate about timing and scheduling: Talk openly about when you’re most likely to be receptive, and consider pre-scheduling sex ([23:02]).
- Acknowledge your partner’s mental load and needs for self-care: Support their efforts and alone time ([28:10], [38:06]).
- Be honest about your bandwidth: Are there really "better" times you’re making available for your partner to initiate? Rebalance responsibilities and/or intentionally schedule sex ([36:14]).
- Talk through your experiences: If you couldn’t connect in the moment, discuss what got you turned on, and see if you can rekindle the vibe later ([32:49], Xander).
- Know your and your partner’s initiation styles: Like love languages, people have different preferences for how they’re turned on and approached ([14:19]).
- Understand and respect sex drive types: Some need physical stimulation to get in the mood (“responsive desire”); others can be mentally ready first ([48:43]).
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- “Initiation shouldn’t be a shot in the dark... If you do it right...you are going to maximize your chances...and know that you’re doing it in a way your partner generally responds positively to.” — Xander ([04:06])
- “You can maximize your chances of getting a yes by being collaborative about how you initiate, not just when.” — Vanessa ([05:19])
- “It's way better to say, do this instead versus don't do this.” — Xander ([15:22])
- “Our suggestion? Call him out…No, don’t!” — (Humorous exchange about handling ‘spray and pray’ [18:54])
- “If it feels like an obligation or an expectation...of course that’s going to bring up frustration and resentment and have it not just feel good in your relationship.” — Podcast Host ([53:26])
- “Everyone is allowed to be turned on whenever they’re turned on. And everyone is allowed to be uninterested in sex whenever they’re uninterested in sex.” — Vanessa ([54:30])
Two Golden Rules of Initiation ([54:30])
1. Everyone is allowed to be turned on whenever they’re turned on.
Don’t shame your partner for being desirous—even in weird moments.
2. Everyone is allowed to be uninterested in sex whenever they’re uninterested in sex.
No one is obligated to match the other’s desire at any particular time.
Timestamps for Key Segments
- Understanding Initiation’s Importance: [00:00]–[04:06]
- 11 Reasons for Annoyance & How to Fix Them: [10:52]–[53:25]
- Reason 1 (The Way You Initiate): [10:52]–[14:19]
- Reason 2 (How Often): [16:32]
- Reason 3 (Too Late at Night): [19:47]
- Reason 4 (Interrupting Tasks for Family): [26:58]
- Reason 5 (Interrupting Self-Care): [37:31]
- Reason 6 (Lack of Emotional Connection): [40:18]
- Reason 7 (No Pleasure/In It for Them): [42:41]
- Reason 8 (Shame at Not Being in the Mood): [44:27]
- Reason 9 (Can’t Change Gears): [47:33]
- Reason 10 (Physical Limitations): [50:36]
- Reason 11 (Expectation/Obligation): [52:22]
- Golden Rules Recap: [54:30]
- Resources & Art of Initiation Course Plug: [05:36], [56:05]
Additional Resources
- The Art of Initiation course: A deeper dive and toolkit for couples, available at vmtherapy.com/initiation (see show notes).
- Related episodes mentioned:
- Ep 38: You Want Connection, Your Partner Wants Sex: Who Comes First?
- Ep 73: Do You Owe Your Partner Sex?
Conclusion
Vanessa and Xander wrap up by reminding listeners that learning how to initiate well is a learnable skill—not a personality trait or innate ability—and that using even a few of the strategies they discussed can make a major difference in intimacy and satisfaction for both partners.
Listener Takeaway:
Initiation is a dance, not a demand. With communication, empathy, and creativity, you can ensure both partners feel desired, respected, and more fulfilled in your sex life.