Pillow Talks Podcast, Episode 229: "Ask A Sex Therapist: Swallowing, Fetishes, + Ex’s"

Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin
Date: October 9, 2025

Episode Overview

In this candid, engaging episode, Vanessa and Xander dive into real listener questions about intimacy, sexual preferences, and relationship dynamics. Drawing on Vanessa’s expertise as a seasoned sex therapist and Xander’s “regular guy” perspective, they tackle topics like swallowing, fetishes, sex with exes, scheduled sex, and more. The tone is playful yet honest, aiming to provide actionable advice while reducing shame and sparking communication between partners.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Are Guys So Into Swallowing?

• Deconstructing Assumptions (03:09–04:44)

  • Xander challenges the premise that “all guys are into swallowing,” pointing out that many men just want their partner to genuinely enjoy the experience, not feel obligated.
  • Quote:
    “I don't think it's so much that guys are into swallowing. I think guys just don't want to be, like, mentioned… just like women, I think men and women both want to receive oral sex that their partner is actually giving in a… giving way and not in a begrudging, ‘Oh, I guess I'll do it, but I have to spit your shit out.’” — Xander (04:45)

• Empathy and Bodily Fluids (05:18–07:56)

  • Vanessa urges listeners to flip the roles: “Imagine your partner goes down on you and then runs to the bathroom to spit—how would that feel?”
  • Clarifies that the act isn’t about the “swallowing” but about not feeling rejected.
  • They normalize the idea that bodily fluids don’t taste impressive: "It's okay if it doesn't taste that great to you. That's just bodies doing body stuff." — Vanessa (08:07)

• Practical Tips

  • Keep water or juice by the bed if texture is an issue.
  • Remember the difference between personal taste preferences and body shaming.

2. What If My Partner Lasts Too Long?

• Myth of Longer = Better (14:02–15:57)

  • Vanessa and Xander bust the myth that “good sex should last as long as possible.”
  • Share results from their audience: Most prefer intercourse in the 5–15 minute range.
  • Quote:
    “The vast, vast, vast majority of people are looking for intercourse to last within the 5 to 10 minute, or the 10 to 15 minute range… very few people are actually desiring, like, 30 plus minutes.” — Xander (15:20)

• Managing Expectations & Communication (16:42–17:18)

  • Evening vs. weekend sex: How context shifts desire for duration.
  • Encourages open dialogue: “Pause and ask your partner: What’s your ideal length for intercourse?”

• Possible Causes for Delayed Ejaculation (18:29–19:51)

  • Medication side effects (SSRI, antidepressants).
  • “Death grip” (overstimulating masturbation habits).
  • Psychological roots like shame, performance anxiety.

3. How to Ask a New Partner for What an Ex Did

• Avoiding Comparisons (22:53–23:30)
  • Never frame your requests as something your ex did; avoid direct comparisons.
• The "Dream Scheme" (23:30–25:14)
  • Make requests in a playful, non-threatening way:
    “Tell your partner, 'I had this dream last night that you were doing XYZ to me, and it was so hot in the dream, and now I can't stop thinking about it.'” — Vanessa (23:30)
• Navigating Curiosity and Jealousy (26:00–28:38)
  • If pressed, you can skirt details or gently “white lie” to avoid unnecessary hurt.
  • If your partner is obsessively jealous, it’s a relational red flag.

4. Feeling Awkward About Scheduling Sex

• Debunking Spontaneity Myths (33:35–35:28)
  • Scheduling doesn’t kill the spark; it’s often necessary for busy couples and secretly always has been there (“dates” when you were getting to know each other).
• Making Scheduling Sexy (35:28–37:21)
  • The “feel behind it” matters: Don’t make it a chore; communicate excitement.
  • Suggest scheduling “quality time” instead of sex specifically, reducing pressure but allowing room for intimacy to grow naturally.
  • Quote:
    “You have been scheduling sex from the very beginning. You just didn’t recognize that that's what you were doing.” — Vanessa (35:28)

5. How to Get Over a Fetish

• Not Something to ‘Get Over’ (40:05–41:24)
  • A fetish is often central to someone’s sexuality—it can’t just be switched off.
  • “You can't get over a fetish… You can't make yourself not [like it].” — Vanessa (40:05)
• Options for Management (41:24–44:16)
  • If your fetish is safe and consensual but carries shame, work on releasing guilt, possibly with therapy.
  • If your partner can’t or won’t engage, decide if living without satisfying your fetish is sustainable for you.
  • If the fetish is incompatible with your morals or relationship, choose not to act on it—but accept the ongoing desire may still exist.
  • Fetish community spaces often offer understanding and shared experience.

6. Reassuring a Partner With Erectile Dysfunction (ED)

• Validation & Communication (47:42–54:13)
  • The partner with ED may require emotional healing and confidence-building.
  • Ironically, the penis is less effective at bringing many women to orgasm compared to hands/mouth; focusing on non-penetrative pleasure can help both partners feel satisfied.
  • Quote:
    “Of all the instruments you have to bring your partner to orgasm, the penis is actually the worst one… You’re way more likely to make your partner feel good with your hands, with your mouth.” — Vanessa (50:24)
  • Continued, honest affirmation is key, but satisfaction must be authentic—avoid pretending if you’re not truly content.

7. Recovering From Sexual Trauma

• Resources and Normalizing the Impact (56:25–57:49)
  • Vanessa shares a free online course for survivors (vmtherapy.com/free).
  • Therapy is vital, but practical resources can support the reclaiming of a healthy sex life.

8. When Both Partners Want the Other to Initiate

• Communicate & Share Vulnerability (58:32–59:45)
  • It’s common for each partner to enjoy feeling wanted, but both need to take turns initiating.
  • Initiating sex is inherently vulnerable; relying on just one partner creates imbalance and resentment.
  • Quote:
    “We feel really, really strongly that in a relationship, it's important for both partners to initiate, because… that's a lot of pressure to put on just one person's shoulders.” — Vanessa (59:18)

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “Treat your partner the way you want to be treated... It’s not that the only options are spitting vs. swallowing.” — Vanessa (05:29)
• “Scheduling sex doesn’t mean the spark is dead… You were scheduling sex on the calendar when you were dating!” — Xander (35:28)
• “A fetish is like really liking chocolate. You can choose not to eat it, but you can’t force yourself to stop liking it.” — Vanessa (40:57)
• “You literally can't have sex without bodily fluids being involved… and they can be a hot part of the experience.” — Xander (08:17)
• “Irony about ED is… you're way more likely to make your partner feel good with your hands, your mouth…” — Vanessa (50:44)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Swallowing & Oral Sex: 03:09–11:05
• Lasting ‘Too Long’ in Bed: 14:02–19:51
• Bringing Up ‘Ex’-Inspired Requests: 22:53–30:50
• Scheduling Sex Without Awkwardness: 33:30–38:08
• Dealing With Fetishes: 39:59–47:30
• Reassuring Partner With ED: 47:30–54:13
• Recovering From Sexual Trauma: 56:25–57:49
• Initiation Stand-Off in Relationships: 58:32–61:07

Tone & Style Notes

Vanessa and Xander combine frank sex-ed discussion with playful banter and practical, non-judgmental advice. They demystify taboo topics, encourage open communication, and normalize a wide spectrum of sexual experiences. Their approach emphasizes empathy, curiosity, and the value of self-reflection and couple dialogue.

Useful Links (As Referenced in Episode)

• Free Survivor's Guide
• Intimacy Quiz
• Art of Initiation Course (available in their “Deeper” membership)

Summary prepared for listeners who want the wisdom, guidance, and laughs—minus the adverts and awkwardness!