Podcast Summary: Pillow Talks – E237

Episode Title: The Real Reason You’re Not Having More Sex

Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin | QCODE
Release Date: December 4, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode unpacks the real, less obvious reasons couples aren’t having as much sex as they’d like—and why magic pills and “libido supplements” are not the answer. Vanessa (sex therapist) and Xander (her husband and “regular dude”) dive into practical, evidence-backed changes that really “move the needle” in your sex life, debunking common myths and providing actionable steps for couples who want more intimacy. Their trademark mix of humor, honesty, and personal anecdotes make dense topics feel relatable and doable.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Libido Supplement Myth Debunked

(Starts ~02:00)

• Humorous intro: Vanessa and Xander riff about fake libido supplements, quickly revealing it's satire—they don’t sell or believe in “magic pills.”
  • “We are not telling you about a libido supplement… We are not fans of libido supplements over here because: #1 They miss the point entirely.” — Vanessa (02:00)
• Very little scientific evidence supports supplements for sex drive.
• Mainstream messaging makes people think something’s wrong with them, leading to desperation and overspending.

2. Tip #1: Talk About Sex—Even When It’s Awkward

(03:52–14:17)

• Open communication is the single most effective way to have more sex.
• Most couples resist talking about sex, thinking it should “just work” without discussion.
  • “What else in your life would you expect to function perfectly with zero communication?” — Vanessa (05:22)
• Vanessa & Xander share their early relationship struggles—first conversations about sex turned into arguments.
• Use casual, third party content (memes, funny videos, polls) as an easy conversation starter; it’s less threatening and helps normalize the topic.
  • “Start with ones that have nothing to do with your sex life. Our horrible sex position series is probably one of the best ones.” — Vanessa (12:49)
• Goal: Get comfortable with sex as a neutral topic, not just in crisis.

Notable Moment:
Vanessa describes their first-ever "sex talk" as a meltdown—painful, awkward, and exactly what they now tell clients not to do.
(~10:45)

3. Tip #2: Share the Mental Load

(16:51–37:37)

• The “mental load” = invisible, cognitive labor in managing life/house/home—usually falls on women.
  • “It’s as if you had a job and your boss was giving you to-dos all day long, including when you were home and including when you were sleeping…” — Xander (17:44)
• Social judgments hold women to higher household/parenting standards.
  • “If we don’t hold things to a certain standard, we get judged very harshly. Whereas men, I think you get more, ‘Oh, he’s really busy…’” — Vanessa (20:42)
• Perfectionism sometimes keeps the “mental load carrier” trapped, but this is often about social pressure, not just personality.
• When you feel like your partner isn’t sharing the load, they start feeling like your child—a top libido killer.
  • “Nothing kills sex drive faster than that” — Vanessa (26:47)
• Don’t just “ask how to help.” Instead, proactively take tasks start to finish, learn systems, and keep checking in.
  • "‘How can I help?’ sounds generous, but you're still putting all the load on your partner.” — Vanessa (32:41)
• Emotional effect: When the load is balanced and you feel like partners, intimacy is much easier.

Notable quote:
“Do you want to live like that, or do you want to have more sex?” — Xander (31:29)

4. Tip #3: Get Emotionally Connected—to Want More Sex

(37:37–47:03)

• Emotional and physical intimacy are intertwined; most couples in long-term relationships feel disconnected.
• Some people crave emotional connection before sex; others use sex to feel emotionally connected (“the physical-emotional conundrum”).
• Both types are valid; making daily effort toward emotional intimacy is key.
  • “It’s the small daily things that we do that matter way more in the long run than the big grand gestures.” — Vanessa (41:12)
• Practical tip: Share daily gratitude with your partner; it’s the #1 predictor of marital satisfaction.
  • “Gratitude… is easy, it’s fast, it’s free, it feels good to both give and receive.” — Vanessa (42:54)
• Women tend to think of sex as a male need; try to see it as an opportunity for two-way emotional connection—especially linger together after intimacy.

5. Tip #4: Understand How Desire Works—Spontaneous vs. Responsive

(47:03–51:52)

• Two sex drive types:
  1. Spontaneous desire: Mental wanting comes first, then arousal (more common in men)
  2. Responsive desire: Physical arousal comes first, then desire builds (more common in women)
  • Most people/relationships are mismatched here.
  • “Most of us are judging ourselves as being low desire or no desire. But that is not the case. You have desire—your body just needs something to respond to.” — Vanessa (48:32)
• Challenge: Most initiation is “mental” (“Do you want to have sex right now?”), which doesn’t work for responsive types.
• Solution: Initiate with openness: “Are you open to…?”, “Want to try…?”, “Interested in making out and seeing if you want more?”
  • “The short answer is: just don’t ask ‘Do you want to have sex right now?’ That’s almost always going to give you a no.” — Xander (50:36)

6. Tip #5: The Sex Has to Be Worth Having

(51:52–56:46)

• Low desire might just be low motivation for boring/unfulfilling sex, not some “broken” libido.
  • “Do you ever find yourself craving a bowl of overly steamed, mushy broccoli? Of course not...A lot of us are having sex that’s the equivalent of mushy broccoli and beating ourselves up for not wanting more of it." — Vanessa (52:46)
• In heterosexual relationships, sex is often organized around male pleasure; intercourse isn’t the top pleasurable act for most women.
  • Only 9% of women polled said intercourse was the most pleasurable act.
• Couples get into ruts—same thing every time, narrowing options.
• Key: Prioritize actual pleasure and variety. Desire for sex grows when it’s worth craving!
• Tools: Check out the Marins’ “Ultimate Foreplay” and “Ultimate Sex Guide” for technique ideas.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You’re not broken. You just gotta do a couple things first.” — Xander (49:17)
• “Pleasure needs to matter more than the desire.” — Vanessa (55:13)
• When talking about being transparent with tasks and mental load:
  "Be the human male shield. I'll be the man, I'll be... I'll utilize my advantage as a man and go in there because I think we'll get treated better." — Xander (22:18)
• Vanessa and Xander’s playful, direct banter:
  "You drunk? If you're listening to this..." — Xander joking about Vanessa slurring in the cold open (00:59)

Highlight Timestamps

• Debunking Magic Pills/libido supplements: 02:00–03:49
• Talking Openly about Sex / Communication Trap: 04:00–14:17
• Explaining Mental Load: 16:51–28:00
• How Mental Load Kills Desire: 26:47–28:50
• Being Proactive vs. “How can I help?”: 32:30–34:00
• Emotional Connection Before Sex: 37:37–41:12
• Daily Gratitude Practice: 42:54
• Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire: 47:03–51:52
• Quality > Quantity of Sex: 51:52–56:46
• Wrap-up/reiteration: 56:46–end

Actionable Takeaways

• Forget magic pills—focus on communication and connection.
• Talking about sex is uncomfortable—start with humor, outside references, and positive topics instead of complaints.
• Balance and proactively share the invisible “mental load” for a more equal partnership—and a higher libido.
• Build daily emotional intimacy with gratitude.
• Discover and work with your sex drive type (not against it).
• Make your sex life worth craving—don’t settle for “mushy broccoli” sex!

For Further Resources

• “Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life” – Vanessa & Xander’s Book
• Past Pillow Talks Episodes:
  • #4 (Mental load 101)
  • Recent episode: Sex Drive Types
• Ultimate Sex & Foreplay Guides: Linked in episode show notes

In Their Own Words:
“These are the things that genuinely do move the needle. It’s not about just magically taking that pill. It’s these things that really make an impact.” — Vanessa (00:00 & 56:30)

This summary is for listeners who want the real reasons their sex life suffers, plus five proven and relatable fixes—straight from the Marins' expertise and lived experience, delivered with humor and compassion.