Podcast Summary: Pillow Talks — Episode 238

"Ask a Sex Therapist: Cycle Libido, Rough Sex & How to Sync Up Your O’s"
Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin
Date: December 11, 2025

Episode Overview

This “Ask a Sex Therapist” episode features Vanessa (an experienced sex therapist) and Xander (her husband and resident “certified cool dude”). The couple tackles real listeners’ questions about orgasms, mismatched libidos, sexual style incompatibilities, period sex, simultaneous orgasms, physical reactions to sex, and more. With trademark humor and warmth, Vanessa and Xander normalize struggles, bust myths, and share practical advice for hot—and healthy—sex lives.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Learning to Orgasm with a Partner

• Listener concern: Why do women have to "learn" to orgasm with a partner? Why is it so much work?
• Vanessa:
  • Orgasm with a partner is not totally instinctual for anyone—regardless of gender. It’s a discovery process unique to every relationship.
  • “Something that one partner did to make you orgasm in the past might not necessarily work with another partner. So I think there's a resetting that happens with each partner you have too.” (02:05)
• Xander:
  • Men also have to learn how to orgasm, especially with a partner:
    “It's not like men are just like, boom, born knowing how to orgasm. Like, it was... a process of learning what to do.” (04:55)
• Social pressures discourage women from exploring masturbation, which can make orgasmic learning feel like “work” later on.
• Reframing the journey:
  • Vanessa encourages seeing this as a fun process of bodily discovery rather than a burden.
  • “Don't our bodies deserve our attention and our care and our time and loving touch?” (06:31)
• Mindset matters.
  • Xander notes: “It sounds like you have some work… on your mindset around sex. And understandably so.” (10:56)
  • Both hosts validate feeling behind or discouraged and emphasize patience and self-compassion.

2. Self-Stimulation During Partnered Sex

• Listener: Questions the value of intimacy if she has to do most of the work herself to orgasm.
• Vanessa:
  • It’s empowering to take ownership: “Your orgasm is your responsibility... I think there's something very empowering about that...” (12:27)
• Xander:
  • “That's me taking responsibility for my orgasm and my needs in that moment, rather than just being like, well, this kind of sucks for me..." (14:09)
• Both encourage the view that pleasure is a shared endeavor, but self-advocacy is vital.

3. Repairing Initiation Imbalance in Relationships

• Listener: Her husband stopped initiating sex after repeated rejections.
• Xander:
  • Both partners are responsible for healthy initiation. "Initiating is so vulnerable. It's way too much pressure to put on just one partner..." (21:01)
• Vanessa:
  • Suggests a heartfelt apology and a commitment to start initiating more: “...I'm realizing now that must have been really hard for you, and that wasn't fair..." (23:18)
  • Share vulnerabilities: embarrassment, newness, or shame around initiating.
• Repair process:
  • One partner may need to take on more initiation for a while to rebuild trust.
  • Resentment is a real challenge: it’s “your problem that you are feeling resentment. It is not the person you are feeling resentment toward… you have to let out those things that were bothering you.” (27:15)
  • Therapy may help process deeper hurts.

4. Navigating Differing Sex Styles (“Vanilla” vs. “Rough”)

• Listener: What to do when one partner likes it rough and one is more “vanilla.”
• Vanessa:
  • Avoid black-and-white thinking. There's usually more overlap than couples realize.
  • Get granular: “Are there certain things you could be into? ...look at it more on, like, a behavior-by-behavior basis.” (31:44)
• Xander:
  • For the “rough” partner: clarify if rougher dynamics are a preference, a need, or an occasional fantasy.
  • Normalize desire mismatches: “We’re not going to find somebody who's this perfect 100% match for us… Now, of course, the issue is the degree of it...” (34:30)
  • For irreconcilable differences, breaking up may be necessary—and that’s valid.
• Communication is key: Ideally, talk openly about preferences early in relationships to avoid painful incompatibility surprises.

5. Cycle, Libido & Period Sex

• Listener: Does libido really track with menstrual phases?
• Vanessa:
  • Yes, but hormones play a minor role for most. “Libido is so much more complex than just our hormones.” (42:14)
  • Period (Menstrual phase): can be a lower libido time, but period sex has many benefits.
  • Follicular: libido rises, feeling good and energetic.
  • Ovulatory: peak desire; body primed for reproduction.
  • Luteal: libido tapers.
  • “Menstrual phase can be lower libido overall... but there are a lot of reasons to have sex on your period.” (43:18)
• Pro tips: Ways to make period sex easier: shower, towel, menstrual disc.

6. Swelling After Sex

• Listener: Is swelling of the labia and clitoris after sex normal?
• Vanessa:
  • Yes! Increased blood flow and sometimes minor microtears from friction are normal and resolve quickly. Monitor for pain or bleeding.

7. Synchronizing Orgasms

• Listener: How to finish at the same time.
• Xander:
  • “A lot of practice and a lot of reps.” (48:23)
  • Focus on learning the person who takes longest’s “orgasmic timing."
  • Realistically, simultaneous orgasms are rare and require lots of communication and intentional adjustments—a fun goal, not a necessity.
• Vanessa:
  • “Having an orgasm at the same time... it’s not inherently better than at separate times.” (52:00)
  • Communicate, experiment, but don’t stress if it doesn’t come naturally.

8. Post-Orgasm Disinterest

• Listener: Is it normal to feel uninterested in sex post-orgasm?
• Vanessa:
  • Yes, it’s hormone-driven (prolactin, serotonin, oxytocin, dopamine) and can affect all genders.
  • “It does tend to be that men feel this more strongly... but women can too.” (54:08)
• Xander:
  • Multi-orgasmic expectations are real, but for many women, first orgasm is strongest and afterward desire wanes.

9. Can Men Feel Their Partner’s Orgasm?

• Listener: Can men “feel” when their partner orgasms during intercourse?
• Xander:
  • Some men may sense involuntary contractions, but it’s subtle and not always obvious.
  • “If we have a simultaneous orgasm... sometimes I feel some muscle contraction. But honestly, it's not always.” (57:44)
• Vanessa:
  • Media exaggerates this. Many women can fake contractions, making it hard to know for sure.
  • “Most women can squeeze a lot harder than they normally involuntarily squeeze when they are orgasming.” (60:12)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Don't our bodies deserve our attention and our care and our time and loving touch?” — Vanessa (06:31)
• “Orgasm is worth it. Like, it’s really great… once you do figure this out, all this stuff… is going to feel like it’s way in the past and you’re going to be like, oh my God, I cannot believe that I didn’t want this.” — Xander (09:20)
• “Initiating is so vulnerable. It's way too much pressure to put on just one partner's shoulders to be doing all of the initiating...” — Vanessa (21:01)
• “A lot of practice and a lot of reps… simultaneous orgasm is not something that just happens naturally… it takes a lot of work.” — Xander (48:23, 50:31)
• “Having an orgasm at the same time, it’s not inherently better than having them at separate times.” — Vanessa (52:00)
• “It’s your problem that you are feeling resentment. It is not the person that you are feeling resentment toward.” — Xander, on handling resentment (27:15)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 02:29 — Why learning to orgasm is a journey for all genders
• 06:31 — Reframing sexual self-discovery as empowering
• 10:48–12:37 — Navigating feelings about self-stimulation during sex
• 21:01–23:18 — Repairing initiation imbalance and handling sexual rejection
• 29:36–36:48 — Dealing with mismatched sexual styles and preferences
• 42:07–46:39 — Menstrual cycle phases and effects on libido
• 46:39–48:15 — Swelling after sex: what’s normal and what’s not
• 48:15–52:35 — Realistic advice on achieving simultaneous orgasm
• 52:35–54:32 — Post-orgasm disinterest and expectations around multiple orgasms
• 56:12–60:13 — Can men feel their partners' orgasms? The truth about contractions

Tone & Approach

Funny, compassionate, honest, and practical, with a mix of lived experience (real stories from Vanessa & Xander) and expert advice. They normalize everyday bedroom anxieties and provide actionable steps without judgment.

Bottom Line

This episode’s key message: Sex is a process of communication, self-discovery, and shared responsibility. Mismatches and awkwardness are normal—what matters is how couples work through them together, with openness, self-compassion, and (sometimes) a little humor.