Pillow Talks – Episode E240: The Body Confidence Episode - How To Feel Good In Your Skin During Sex

Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin
Date: December 23, 2025

Episode Overview

Vanessa (sex therapist) and Xander (her husband and "regular dude") tackle one of the “big leagues” of relationship concerns: body confidence during sex. With humor, vulnerability, and practical advice, they break down how negative body image affects intimacy and offer step-by-step techniques to develop real, grounded confidence—so you can genuinely enjoy being present during sex and appreciate your body as it is, right now.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Scope of the Issue: Gendered Experiences of Body Image during Sex

• Vanessa and Xander open with a reflection on how anxieties about the body are often more pronounced during sex and why women, in particular, often internalize cultural criticism from a young age.
• Instagram Poll Findings:
  • 30% of women report "often or always" feeling self-conscious during sex, while only 7% of men said the same (06:05).
  • When combining those who are regularly or often self-conscious: 53% of women vs. 21% of men.
  • Only 9% of women said “no” to any body image issues during sex, compared to 42% of men.

Notable quote:

"I can't even conceptualize what it would be like to not think about your body during sex...it really blows my mind."
— Vanessa [10:33]

• Xander shares that for him—and he suspects for many men—concerns about physical appearance completely disappear during sex, replaced by excitement and presence with his partner (08:25).

2. Areas of Insecurity: What We Worry About

• Women’s top concerns:
  • Stomach, weight overall, breasts (appearance when moving or in certain positions), cellulite, thighs, vulva (appearance and scent), and changes post-childbirth such as soft skin, breast changes, and scarring.
• Men’s top concerns:
  • Overwhelmingly: penis size, frequently centered on being a “grower” not a “shower.”
  • Other issues: not being muscular/fit, body odor.

Discussion:

• Vanessa points out that most women don't care about what a penis looks like when soft:

"I'm not doing that much with it when it's soft. If anything, it's kind of fun to be like, whoa, where did that come from?” [21:12]

• Xander observes that, in contrast, men’s insecurities are far fewer and less all-encompassing, and during sex, they’re often “tuned out” of self-judgment (24:20).

3. Inside the Partner’s Mind: What Do You Notice?

• Vanessa probes Xander on whether he’s ever noticed (or judged) her body's “imperfections” during sex.
• Xander acknowledges he notices—gravity, movement, reality—but without judgment:

“There’s a differentiation for me between observation—seeing things with my eyes—and judgment…The judgment of it, like 'oh, that turns me off?' That doesn't cross my mind.”
— Xander [25:53]

• They compare the “primal” state men more easily enter during sex vs. the constant multi-tasking mental state women often experience, with judgmental thoughts ever-present (29:06).

4. How Negative Body Image Impacts Sex

Direct Impacts:

• Reduced sexual desire.
• Reluctance to initiate or avoid sex entirely.
• Avoiding being touched or seen (e.g., only having sex with the lights off, banning certain body parts from touch).
• Inability to be present/enjoyment reduced.
• Lack of pleasure and difficulty reaching orgasm.
• Limiting activities and adventurousness in the bedroom (e.g., restricted positions).

Notable quote:

"Half the time during sex, all I'm thinking about is my fat/rolls/flaws instead of being in the moment enjoying sex."
— Listener response [37:21]

• Xander compares this to male performance anxiety, noting how self-consciousness can make sex feel unsafe, leading to avoidance (36:10).

5. Building Better Body Confidence (In and Out of the Bedroom)

A. Start with Daily Confidence, Not Just in Bed

• Feeling confident during sex is hardest if you don’t feel some degree of comfort in your body throughout the day (43:58).
• Body neutrality: Even striving for neutrality (not positivity) is a valid goal.

Notable quote:

"Body confidence is a journey, not a destination... it's a daily practice."
— Vanessa [45:00]

B. Practical Mindset Shifts & Tools

• Favorite Mantras:

  • "Your body is an instrument, not an ornament."
  • "Your body is for living, not looking." — from Liz Moody
  • "The way your body looks is the least interesting thing about you."
    [48:55]

• Make a list of all the amazing things your body does that have nothing to do with its appearance (50:41).

• Do kind things for your body:

  • Example: Small self-care rituals done intentionally, not just habitually (52:18).

C. Model Body Positivity & Kindness

• Think about what message you want kids/younger self to absorb through your actions and language around your body (53:09).
• Children pick up on everything—modeling joyful or neutral body acceptance is transformative.

D. Talk to Your Body as an Ally

• Develop the habit of speaking compassionately to your body, as if it were its own person. Express gratitude, comfort, acknowledgment on tough days.
  [56:02]

E. Bring Confidence into the Bedroom

• Critical Mindset Shift:

  • "The way your body looks has zero relationship with the pleasure your body is capable of feeling." — Vanessa [58:32]
  • Don't wait for some future “better” body to fully enjoy sex.

• Focus on Sensation and Pleasure:

  • In moments of self-consciousness, intentionally direct attention back to what your body is feeling (61:21).
  • Create a personal mantra like:

    "I choose to focus on sensation. I choose to focus on pleasure." [61:26]

• Hacks:

  • Just try going "all in" on presence and pleasure for one sexual experience and see how it feels (60:01).

F. Involve Your Partner

• Share Your Insecurities:
  • Addressing these with your partner builds intimacy and often reduces the anxiety—especially as partners are rarely as harsh as we are to ourselves (62:27).

"Sometimes when we verbalize these things...what you'll find is when you actually hear yourself saying it using words, you might find yourself feeling like, huh, that sounds more extreme than what I actually feel."
— Xander [63:10]

• Xander: For men, so many of the things their partners are self-conscious about are what they find most attractive (64:12).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Gendered Socialization:

  "Growing up, I was just constantly bombarded by magazine headlines...Belly pooch and fat rolls and cellulite and jiggle."
  — Vanessa [09:58]

• On Male Perspective:

  "I'm doing an act that makes me feel confident...Like, we're doing this thing regardless of what we're worried about."
  — Xander [08:25]

• On Primal vs. Multi-Tasking Mindsets:

  "For me...when we have sex, it's like I get to tune everything else out."
  — Xander [11:21]
  "My brain is going to different places...so I'm constantly pulling myself back."
  — Vanessa [29:06]

• Listener Response:

  "If I'm having particularly bad body image thoughts, I can't even entertain the thought of sex."
  — [35:06]

• Mantras:

  "Your body is an instrument, not an ornament."
  "Your body is for living, not looking."
  "The way your body looks is the least interesting thing about you."
  — [48:54-49:10]

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Body Image Statistics from Community: 06:05 – 09:58
• Impact of Negative Body Image on Sex: 34:01 – 39:01
• Building Body Confidence – Mindset + Tools: 43:58 – 58:30
• How to Focus on Sensation and Pleasure in Sex: 58:32 – 61:21
• Discussing Body Insecurity with Your Partner: 62:27 – 68:39
• Men’s Messages to Female Partners About Body Image: 65:40 – 67:48

Listener Community Messages (from Men about Female Partner Body Image)

(Read by Xander – 65:40)

• "Most of the things you worry about are the parts I love the most."
• "I wish you could see yourself through my eyes."
• "Your attitude towards sex does more than your physical looks. For me, attitude, joy, and having fun are sexy."
• "You get really self conscious about your postpartum body. But little do you know, you're hotter than ever."
• "Her body tells a story of love. Every stretch mark or a C-section scar tells me that she grew our baby girl."
• "Sexiness isn't a shape. It's a vibe."
• "I still get schoolboy excited just to see you naked."

Key Takeaways

• Women’s self-consciousness during sex is widespread, and heavily influenced by lifelong socialization.
• Men generally experience much less anxiety about their own bodies during sex, and are far less judgmental of their partners than women fear.
• Negative body image can block desire, pleasure, experimentation, and orgasm.
• Body confidence is not a fixed achievement; it’s a daily, often imperfect practice.
• Tools for change include reframing your body’s purpose, practicing self-kindness, intentional rituals, and compassionate self-talk.
• Bringing your partner into your body confidence journey increases intimacy, and will often reveal that your partner is much more accepting than you fear.
• Shift in focus—from how your body looks to what it feels—can radically improve sexual experience and confidence.

Final Note

The episode ends with an encouragement to “let yourself receive” compassionate truths about your body, both from yourself and your partner. Vanessa and Xander’s open, validating conversation offers humor, research, personal anecdotes, and affirming advice for anyone seeking to feel better in their skin—especially in the bedroom.

For further resources, tips, and community connection, follow Vanessa and Xander on Instagram @vanessaandxander. New episodes of Pillow Talks air every Thursday.

[Summary skips advertisements and product promos as requested.]