Pillow Talks – Episode E244: How To Schedule Sex (Our Hot Take)

Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin
Release Date: January 22, 2026

Episode Overview

In this candid and down-to-earth episode, Vanessa (a veteran sex therapist) and Xander (her “regular dude” husband) tackle the controversial topic of scheduling sex in long-term relationships. They challenge the stigma and common myths that make couples cringe at the idea, and offer a practical, playful guide for making scheduled intimacy a fun, connecting, and even sexy part of your partnership. By the end of the episode, they hope to reframe the conversation: scheduling sex isn’t about admitting defeat—it’s about prioritizing each other and fostering intentional intimacy.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Scheduling Sex Gets a Bad Rap

• Most people believe sex should be spontaneous for it to be valid or exciting – the “if we need to schedule it, our sex life is dead” myth.
• Media pokes fun at scheduled sex: “[Scheduling sex] is portrayed so neg in so many movies and TV shows... it's such a played out joke.” – Xander (01:29)
• Vanessa and Xander emphasize that scheduling can be “fun, sexy, and a good thing to add into your relationship” (Vanessa, 02:04).

2. Debunking the Myths of Scheduling Sex

Myth 1: Sex Should Be Spontaneous

• Vanessa argues that scheduling is part of relationships from the start—think of planned dates when you first start seeing someone.
  • “We’ve actually been scheduling sex from the very beginning… we just didn’t realize it.” – Vanessa (08:49)
• Spontaneity and excitement are not the same; scheduled sex can still feel fresh and thrilling.

Myth 2: Scheduling Removes the Fun

• Anticipation amplifies excitement—planning a trip is often more thrilling in the lead up than in the moment.
  • “There’s actually research… people’s dopamine levels were highest in the lead up to winning, not the actual act of winning itself.” – Xander, on anticipation (11:09)
• Responsive desire (common especially for women) often means desire builds after engagement begins, not before.

Myth 3: Scheduling Means You’re Not Attracted Anymore

• Scheduling signals prioritization and respect, not the absence of attraction.
  • “It shows your partner that you are prioritizing them… that you value your physical connection.” – Vanessa (16:43)
• Xander shares men’s common fear in long-term relationships: lack of initiation can spiral into worries about desirability and connection (17:23).

Myth 4: Scheduling Makes it a To-Do Item

• How you schedule matters: if it feels like a chore, it’ll likely feel unsexy.
  • “If you’re scheduling it with a sense of dread… like your dentist appointment… of course that’s not gonna make it very sexy.” – Vanessa (22:45)
• Enjoyment of the sex itself is key; scheduling won’t “fix” underlying sexual dissatisfaction.

Myth 5: Once You Schedule, You Lose Spontaneity

• Not black and white; scheduling can increase spontaneous sex by rekindling connection and making intimacy more accessible.

3. How To Schedule Sex (The Right Way)

a. Choose Your Scheduling Style (25:04)

• No one-size-fits-all methods:
  • Standing times (e.g., every Saturday afternoon)
  • Day-of check-ins (“Do we want to have sex today? When would be best?”)
  • Monthly calendar “penciling in” (better for busy or mismatched schedules)
  • Planning the next date right after the last one.

b. Rename It! (29:44)

• Don’t like “scheduled sex”? Try “intentional intimacy,” “sexy date night,” or an inside joke name that feels playful instead of clinical.

c. Schedule Dedicated Quality Time, Too (31:46)

• Emotional intimacy and connection can be scheduled just like physical intimacy.
• Quality time can provide a gentler entry point for people resistant to scheduled sex.

d. Timing Tips (35:19)

• Earlier in the evening is better; leave enough energy for sex, not as the last to-do before sleep.
  • “By the time most of us are climbing into bed, we are exhausted. It’s game over.” – Vanessa (35:34)

e. Build Anticipation (36:40)

• Channel early-relationship excitement: get ready, flirt, send sexy or goofy messages, or even create a fun calendar invite.

f. Lower the Bar (Expand the Definition of Sex) (38:59)

• Not all scheduled intimacy has to mean intercourse; try cuddling naked, massages, makeouts, side-by-side masturbation, or simply being physically close—a “bare minimum.”
  • “You’re just agreeing to do that bare minimum activity. If you happen to want more… you absolutely can.” – Vanessa (40:54, see also 41:40 for details)
• Especially powerful for responsive-desire partners, who often need a “start” to feel desire.

g. Alternate Planning & Initiation (43:16)

• Take turns being “in charge”—each partner plans what makes sex enjoyable for the other.
• Try “king/queen nights,” where one partner gets pampered and is the focus for the night.

Timestamps of Key Segments

• Intro & Topic Tease: 00:00–03:12
• Why Scheduling Sex Feels Unsexy: 07:55–14:40
• Debunking Myths, with Real-Life Analogies: 14:53–24:54
• Scheduling Without Killing the Mood – Methods: 25:04–31:07
• Tips for Making It Work: 31:28–38:59
• Lowering the Bar (Bare Minimum): 38:59–43:16
• Taking Turns & Creative Planning: 43:16–45:29
• Summary & Call to Action: 45:36–47:09

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Spontaneity:
  “Nobody starts dating someone and then goes, ‘Oh, we should get together this weekend.’ And the other partner goes, ‘Yeah, let’s see if we run into each other.’” – Xander (08:58)
• On Internalized Shame:
  “The sneaky truth about scheduling sex is… that's actually often just internalized shame speaking.” – Vanessa (14:08)
• On Anticipation:
  “People’s dopamine levels were highest in the lead up to winning, not the actual act of winning itself.” – Xander (11:09)
• On Priorities:
  “If a stranger was to take a look at your calendar, what would they think you value in your life?” – Vanessa (34:02)
• On Sex Not Needing To Be Intercourse:
  “It’s so important for us to recognize that sex does not have to equal penetration…” – Vanessa (39:48)
• On Partner Fears:
  “[Men] have this fear of… does my partner really care about this?” – Xander (17:23)

Practical Takeaways

• Scheduling sex isn’t a sign of defeat; it shows you value and prioritize your connection.
• There’s no “correct” way to schedule—pick a style that fits your life and relationship.
• Rename “scheduled sex” to something fun and meaningful for both partners.
• Schedule emotional quality time too; it normalizes planning for connection.
• Build anticipation for more excitement—lean into the lead up.
• Lower the bar and broaden your definition of intimacy.
• Take turns planning, pampering, and leading; make each partner feel wanted.
• Treat scheduling as intentional care, not a chore.

Final Thought

Vanessa closes with the central message:

“Scheduling sex is actually really the opposite of what so many of us think… it’s a way of showing our partner how important they are to us, how important our connection is to us.” (45:37)

Xander’s Mic Drop:

“Are you willing to engage in intentional intimacy? If not, why the hell are you in a relationship?... What are you doing in a relationship, in a marriage? Wow. Mic drop, I guess.” (46:09)

Additional Resources Mentioned

• Vanessa & Xander’s Upcoming Subscription: A monthly relationship “concierge” with emotional & physical intimacy date nights, a new sex position to try, and connecting questions.
  Name TBD; vote via Spotify or Instagram. See show notes for details. (06:06–07:55, 46:37–47:09)

For More: Listen to new Pillow Talks episodes every Thursday.

This summary captures the tone, advice, and spirit of Vanessa & Xander’s candid discussion on making scheduled sex not just acceptable—but awesome—for couples everywhere.