E244: How To Schedule Sex (our hot take)

Summary

Pillow Talks – Episode E244: How To Schedule Sex (Our Hot Take)

Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin
Release Date: January 22, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this candid and down-to-earth episode, Vanessa (a veteran sex therapist) and Xander (her “regular dude” husband) tackle the controversial topic of scheduling sex in long-term relationships. They challenge the stigma and common myths that make couples cringe at the idea, and offer a practical, playful guide for making scheduled intimacy a fun, connecting, and even sexy part of your partnership. By the end of the episode, they hope to reframe the conversation: scheduling sex isn’t about admitting defeat—it’s about prioritizing each other and fostering intentional intimacy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Scheduling Sex Gets a Bad Rap

• Most people believe sex should be spontaneous for it to be valid or exciting – the “if we need to schedule it, our sex life is dead” myth.
• Media pokes fun at scheduled sex: “[Scheduling sex] is portrayed so neg in so many movies and TV shows... it's such a played out joke.” – Xander (01:29)
• Vanessa and Xander emphasize that scheduling can be “fun, sexy, and a good thing to add into your relationship” (Vanessa, 02:04).

2. Debunking the Myths of Scheduling Sex

Myth 1: Sex Should Be Spontaneous

• Vanessa argues that scheduling is part of relationships from the start—think of planned dates when you first start seeing someone.
  • “We’ve actually been scheduling sex from the very beginning… we just didn’t realize it.” – Vanessa (08:49)
• Spontaneity and excitement are not the same; scheduled sex can still feel fresh and thrilling.

Myth 2: Scheduling Removes the Fun

• Anticipation amplifies excitement—planning a trip is often more thrilling in the lead up than in the moment.
  • “There’s actually research… people’s dopamine levels were highest in the lead up to winning, not the actual act of winning itself.” – Xander, on anticipation (11:09)
• Responsive desire (common especially for women) often means desire builds after engagement begins, not before.

Myth 3: Scheduling Means You’re Not Attracted Anymore

• Scheduling signals prioritization and respect, not the absence of attraction.
  • “It shows your partner that you are prioritizing them… that you value your physical connection.” – Vanessa (16:43)
• Xander shares men’s common fear in long-term relationships: lack of initiation can spiral into worries about desirability and connection (17:23).

Myth 4: Scheduling Makes it a To-Do Item

• How you schedule matters: if it feels like a chore, it’ll likely feel unsexy.
  • “If you’re scheduling it with a sense of dread… like your dentist appointment… of course that’s not gonna make it very sexy.” – Vanessa (22:45)
• Enjoyment of the sex itself is key; scheduling won’t “fix” underlying sexual dissatisfaction.

Myth 5: Once You Schedule, You Lose Spontaneity

• Not black and white; scheduling can increase spontaneous sex by rekindling connection and making intimacy more accessible.

3. How To Schedule Sex (The Right Way)

a. Choose Your Scheduling Style (25:04)

• No one-size-fits-all methods:
  • Standing times (e.g., every Saturday afternoon)
  • Day-of check-ins (“Do we want to have sex today? When would be best?”)
  • Monthly calendar “penciling in” (better for busy or mismatched schedules)
  • Planning the next date right after the last one.

b. Rename It! (29:44)

• Don’t like “scheduled sex”? Try “intentional intimacy,” “sexy date night,” or an inside joke name that feels playful instead of clinical.

c. Schedule Dedicated Quality Time, Too (31:46)

• Emotional intimacy and connection can be scheduled just like physical intimacy.
• Quality time can provide a gentler entry point for people resistant to scheduled sex.

d. Timing Tips (35:19)

• Earlier in the evening is better; leave enough energy for sex, not as the last to-do before sleep.
  • “By the time most of us are climbing into bed, we are exhausted. It’s game over.” – Vanessa (35:34)

e. Build Anticipation (36:40)

• Channel early-relationship excitement: get ready, flirt, send sexy or goofy messages, or even create a fun calendar invite.

f. Lower the Bar (Expand the Definition of Sex) (38:59)

• Not all scheduled intimacy has to mean intercourse; try cuddling naked, massages, makeouts, side-by-side masturbation, or simply being physically close—a “bare minimum.”
  • “You’re just agreeing to do that bare minimum activity. If you happen to want more… you absolutely can.” – Vanessa (40:54, see also 41:40 for details)
• Especially powerful for responsive-desire partners, who often need a “start” to feel desire.

g. Alternate Planning & Initiation (43:16)

• Take turns being “in charge”—each partner plans what makes sex enjoyable for the other.
• Try “king/queen nights,” where one partner gets pampered and is the focus for the night.

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Timestamps of Key Segments

• Intro & Topic Tease: 00:00–03:12
• Why Scheduling Sex Feels Unsexy: 07:55–14:40
• Debunking Myths, with Real-Life Analogies: 14:53–24:54
• Scheduling Without Killing the Mood – Methods: 25:04–31:07
• Tips for Making It Work: 31:28–38:59
• Lowering the Bar (Bare Minimum): 38:59–43:16
• Taking Turns & Creative Planning: 43:16–45:29
• Summary & Call to Action: 45:36–47:09

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Spontaneity:
  “Nobody starts dating someone and then goes, ‘Oh, we should get together this weekend.’ And the other partner goes, ‘Yeah, let’s see if we run into each other.’” – Xander (08:58)
• On Internalized Shame:
  “The sneaky truth about scheduling sex is… that's actually often just internalized shame speaking.” – Vanessa (14:08)
• On Anticipation:
  “People’s dopamine levels were highest in the lead up to winning, not the actual act of winning itself.” – Xander (11:09)
• On Priorities:
  “If a stranger was to take a look at your calendar, what would they think you value in your life?” – Vanessa (34:02)
• On Sex Not Needing To Be Intercourse:
  “It’s so important for us to recognize that sex does not have to equal penetration…” – Vanessa (39:48)
• On Partner Fears:
  “[Men] have this fear of… does my partner really care about this?” – Xander (17:23)

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Practical Takeaways

• Scheduling sex isn’t a sign of defeat; it shows you value and prioritize your connection.
• There’s no “correct” way to schedule—pick a style that fits your life and relationship.
• Rename “scheduled sex” to something fun and meaningful for both partners.
• Schedule emotional quality time too; it normalizes planning for connection.
• Build anticipation for more excitement—lean into the lead up.
• Lower the bar and broaden your definition of intimacy.
• Take turns planning, pampering, and leading; make each partner feel wanted.
• Treat scheduling as intentional care, not a chore.

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Final Thought

Vanessa closes with the central message:

“Scheduling sex is actually really the opposite of what so many of us think… it’s a way of showing our partner how important they are to us, how important our connection is to us.” (45:37)

Xander’s Mic Drop:

“Are you willing to engage in intentional intimacy? If not, why the hell are you in a relationship?... What are you doing in a relationship, in a marriage? Wow. Mic drop, I guess.” (46:09)

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Additional Resources Mentioned

• Vanessa & Xander’s Upcoming Subscription: A monthly relationship “concierge” with emotional & physical intimacy date nights, a new sex position to try, and connecting questions.
  Name TBD; vote via Spotify or Instagram. See show notes for details. (06:06–07:55, 46:37–47:09)

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For More: Listen to new Pillow Talks episodes every Thursday.

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This summary captures the tone, advice, and spirit of Vanessa & Xander’s candid discussion on making scheduled sex not just acceptable—but awesome—for couples everywhere.

Transcript

[Vanessa Marin]

It's a way of showing our partner how important they are to us, how important our connection is to us. It's a way of showing ourselves how important it is that we're willing to make that effort, to carve out that time, to save energy, to prioritize each other. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20 years of experience, and I'm just a regular.

[Xander Marin]

We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

[Vanessa Marin]

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Today. We're talking about one of my favorite controversial hot topics, and I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you. I'm gonna try to change your mind about it.

[Xander Marin]

Great. Let's go.

[Vanessa Marin]

Not your mind, the listener's mind.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, let's go. Let's go with that. Let's go with that.

[Vanessa Marin]

We're talking about scheduling sex. Most people hate the idea of scheduling sex.

[Xander Marin]

Horror.

[Vanessa Marin]

I think it sounds very cold and clinical. It feels like an admission that your sex life is officially dead.

[Xander Marin]

It's portrayed so neg in so many movies and TV shows. Like, you know, the. The older couple with like, you know, kids in high school or whatever. And like, you know, they're like putting the like little dot on the calendar or something that means something else. And the kids are just like, oh, guys, come on. Like, it's just, it's such a played out joke. I feel like, you know, it's one of those ones. It's like a cheap joke that can be made in like, any kind of like, teen parent type of TV show without any explanation or any effort going into it. And that's how much you know that this, like, this is a real. An issue that runs really deep.

[Vanessa Marin]

But we think that scheduling sex can actually be fun, sexy.

[Xander Marin]

Oh, yeah.

[Vanessa Marin]

And a good thing to add into your relationship.

[Xander Marin]

But it doesn't have to look the way that you think it does. Am I putting the cart before the horse there?

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

No.

[Vanessa Marin]

We're gonna get into it, dive deep in this episode. We're gonna talk about all the myths, the misinformation about scheduling sex, and we're gonna walk you through steps, step by step, the right way to schedule sex. And I hope by the end of this episode, we will have fully convinced you. Okay. But before we get into that, we have to share a little update with you. We are launching something brand new this year. We've been doing a lot of thinking about what makes our approach to intimacy and relationships unique. Because we're always trying to come up with new things to refine our offerings. Like, we're always trying to improve so that we can help you improve in your relationship. And one thing that we keep coming back to over and over again is fun. Helping couples have more fun with each other in and out of the bedroom.

[Xander Marin]

And really keep that spark alive.

[Vanessa Marin]

So we're launching something that is going to help you do just that, but in a really easy, easy, sustainable, doable way. We're talking very simple. So what we're gonna do is every single month you will get an emotional intimacy date night and a physical intimacy date night. So we're gonna tell you, like, exactly what to do on your date nights. I think most of us, like, we wanna have date night more frequently. We wanna have sex more frequently. We want more exc. Exciting sex, more interesting date nights. But a lot of us stall out at like, I don't, I don't know what to do. Like, I guess back to that, that same little Italian restaurant that we go to every time.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, people want inspiration, they want ideas, they want just a little nudge in the right direction.

[Vanessa Marin]

And yeah, sometimes it's just. It takes a lot of time and effort to keep thinking of new things. We're like, let us do the work for you. It's like a concierge intimacy Concierge, sir.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, it is.

[Vanessa Marin]

So every month you will get an emotional intimacy themed date night, A physical intimacy themed date date night. You're also going to get a sex position of the month. So every month you'll get a new position to try out with detailed instructions of exactly how to do it. And you're going to get connecting questions to ask each other at any point throughout the month. These are. This is another thing that I think feels so embarrassing in long term relationships. Like when we manage to have a little bit of quality time together. We're like, so how was your day?

[Xander Marin]

The weather, man, it's weathering out there.

[Vanessa Marin]

It's cold. What do you want to talk about? Right. So we're gonna just give you questions that you can talk about with each other that are gonna evoke like deeper, more meaningful, more playful, more fun conversations.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. And I mean, it can end up being that it's a short conversation and it's just something you do on an ongoing basis to, you know, make sure that you're staying connected. But what we often hear from most people with the types of questions, conversation starters that we like to give if someone goes, yeah, this looked like a really simple question. And then we started talking and we started uncovering more and more and we got into a much longer and much deeper conversation than I would have thought given what the question was. And I think that's really what it's all about. It's not like, you know, it's not that every single day you need to be having these super duper deep conversations with multiple layers, but, but it's really nice sometimes when that happens. It's nice once or twice a month that, you know, a little conversation prompt turns into a little something more. And that's really what the idea is here. You know, some of these are going to hit. You're going to talk for 20 minutes about something and be like, oh my God, I didn't know that about you. And some of them are going to be quick little check ins. But you know, the idea is just that we keep the conversation going because you never know when it's going to go deeper.

[Vanessa Marin]

And the best part is that it's gonna be nine bucks a month. Like, we wanted this to feel like such a no brainer, such an incredible deal. We know a lot of people are feeling financially just like self conscious right now. And so we wanted it to be really accessible to as many couples as possible. I mean, nine bucks a month, that is it. And we will do all the work of keeping the spark alive in your relationship. Well, not all the work you have to do the actual things, but we'll do a lot of the, the leg helping set you guys up for success.

[Xander Marin]

We're gonna put all the pieces in front of you, then you gotta, you gotta move them on the board, so to speak.

[Vanessa Marin]

But we do need your help. We are, I will be honest with you guys, historically we are not great at naming things.

[Xander Marin]

We aren't. We have a poor track record.

[Vanessa Marin]

So we need your help with naming what this is gonna be. So we have four names. We're gonna put a poll up in Spotify or you can also come over to Instagram. Vanessa and Zander and DM us. You can vote on the names. If you have a different name that you think you can DM us that if we pick your name, like we'll give you some little prize or gift, but okay, here are some options. The flirty and dirty drop the spark. Just plain and simple. Sweet and spicy or the tease. So take a vote. But we'll put the link to check that out in the show notes. We are super excited about it. This is something that we're gonna do ourselves. Like, this is something I've wanted in our own relationship for a long time. So we are very excited to launch. We cannot wait to see you guys join it. So check out that link in the show notes. Okay, so let's get into the myths about scheduling sex.

[Xander Marin]

So I think number one is the big one. The number one objection most people have, once you start even beginning to mention the topic is, well, but shouldn't sex just be spontaneous? Or, like, I just want it to happen spontaneously.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. I think most of us have this idea that sex is supposed to be spontaneous. That if you're with the right partner, if the chemistry is right, like it's supposed to be, and if it's not spontaneous, then something is wrong. But here's the thing. Think back to the beginning of your relationship. When you're dating your partner, what are you doing? You're scheduling dates with them. Right. And once you start being intimate with your partner, when you're scheduling dates, you're gonna have sex those times that you're seeing them, right?

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. And you're gonna be pretty excited about that, right?

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. So we've actually been scheduling sex from the very beginning of our relationship. We just didn't realize it.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. Like, nobody starts dating someone and then goes, oh, we should get together this weekend. And the other partner goes, yeah, let's see if we run into each other.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, let's see if we just happen to run into each other. Oh, I don't want to have to plan for that.

[Xander Marin]

Oh, yeah, no, I'm not. I'm not really big on planning, you know, getting to know you or starting to get intimate with you. I really don't like that. I'm only down for this relationship progressing if it spontaneously happens. Like, if you heard that, you would be like, red flag, I'm out.

[Vanessa Marin]

Exactly.

[Xander Marin]

Unmatched. Right. Like, come on, people. So why are we doing that in our everyday lives? I think the really interesting thing is that if we look back at those early days of the relationship, it's not that you were having spontaneous sex. You were having exciting sex. And I think that we start to conflate those two things. We start thinking, oh, yeah, we want it. I want it to be spontaneous, but what you actually want, I just want it to be exciting. And, yeah, sometimes when things happen spontaneously, they are exciting. But sometimes when Things happen spontaneously. They're a complete disaster. Right. Like just because. So to have something exciting, it just absolutely does not have to be spontaneous.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. I think the best example that comes to mind for me is planning is like a trip together. Like, sure, it might be fun for some people in some instances. If your partner said, pack your bags right now, we are leaving in an hour, we're going on a trip. Right. Like, that could be really exciting. But I think the vast majority of people in the vast majority of circumstances would rather have a heads up about that. They would rather have a chance to plan it, to figure out all the details, to request time off of work, to get the kids a babysitter.

[Xander Marin]

Right.

[Vanessa Marin]

And not only that, but there's also something about the anticipation of that trip. I think for so many of us, the anticipation of a trip can actually be even more exciting than the trip itself. Sometimes it's like you're counting it down, you're thinking about what's coming up. Like you're building up that anticipation, that desire for it.

[Xander Marin]

I mean, there's actually research that supports that. Like, this is kind of crazy, like a crazy twist I'm to give you, but there's research on that. Looking at people who are gambling slot machines, like in Vegas, and you're looking at dopamine levels and your dopamine levels are actually highest right before or as you are pulling the crank or whatever. That's actually an old school thing. I'm pretty sure all slot machines you just like hit a button. Right. But it's. Your dopamine levels are highest when you are right about to hit the button or crank the thing or whatever it is, and they are higher than, than when you actually win a jackpot, which is wild. Like there's the getting the reward and then there's anticipating the reward. And crazily enough, people's dopamine levels were highest in the lead up to winning, not the actual act of winning itself. So that is something to consider, that the more we think about something, the more we anticipate something, the more overall enjoyment we have of that thing.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. Like going back to the trip example, it's like either way that it gets started, it can be a great trip. I think we need to focus more on like the enjoyment of the activity itself rather than the how it gets started. But I do think if, if anything, it's going to be more enjoyable in the situations where you've had the chance to prepare for it, to plan it, to build that anticipation ahead of time, and then Another thing that I think about is, you know, we talk a lot about how emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are two sides of the same coin. So imagine if we treated emotional intimacy the same way that we treat physical intimacy. So, like, let's replace scheduling sex with. With date night. If your partner. Imagine your partner comes up to you and is like, hey, do you want to go on a date on Friday night with me? Like, I made reservations at our favorite restaurant.

[Xander Marin]

No, I'm just gonna wait and see how I feel on Friday.

[Vanessa Marin]

Or could you imagine saying to your partner, like, ew, we're having to schedule date night. Like, something is really wrong with our relationship? No, you would never say that. You would actually look at this as such a positive thing. Oh, my God. It's only Monday, and my partner's already thinking ahead to Friday. They took that eff to think of what restaurant would I want to go to. They took that effort to make the reservation. We see it as a positive thing. Nobody would ever, like, make your partner feel bad for planning a date night. So why do we get so worked up about physical intimacy?

[Xander Marin]

Well, probably because we're total prudes about it societally. I'm not calling you a prude. I'm saying we have been raised prudish around this, as it's like something to kind of be ashamed of or not to talk about or it just happens behind closed doors. Even though those closed doors are like the closed doors of our house that you are in with your partner and still you're somehow not able to talk about it.

[Vanessa Marin]

I mean, really, I think the sneaky truth about scheduling sex is that the people who are so insistent on it must be spontaneous. That's actually often just internalized. Shame speaking.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. Or fear. Like, I don't want to have to talk about it. I don't have to ask.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah, that. You don't want to have to deal with the nuanced, complicated, human, sometimes messy aspects of sex. You just kind of want to, like, close your eyes and plug your ears and, like, I want it to just happen. I don't want to do anything to, like, put any effort into it.

[Xander Marin]

It's like, I only want to get a new job if someone stops me on the street and literally makes me a job offer. Like, I don't want to have to apply. I don't want to have to do my resume. I don't have to do all the things. Like, nobody ever like that. Life doesn't work that way.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah.

[Xander Marin]

All right, this next one really just kind of leads from the first one, which is, you know, most people that want it to just happen spontaneously will also say, okay, thinking about scheduling, it just seems like it's gonna take all the fun out of it.

[Vanessa Marin]

Well, I think we've already addressed a lot of this one in our response to the first myth about how scheduling it can actually create that sense of anticipation and excitement and make it feel fun. But I think scheduling it also removes a lot of the barriers to fun and excitement, too. So one really important thing to recognize is the way that responsive desire plays into this. Like, for a lot of people who have responsive desire, I. E. Most women, yeah. Scheduling sex can remove a lot of the pressure that they feel to, like, have to always be ready or have to respond to a spontaneous initiation. It actually gives their brain time to prepare, to get in the mood, to get excited, to build that anticipation. And also, for a lot of people, like, knowing the specific times that sex is going to happen, it removes the anxiety and the guilt around having to address spontaneous initiations in the moment. Like, you don't feel like you don't have to say no in the moment. You don't have to be, like, on guard for your partner to initiate. And it can take the pressure away from the partner who usually does most of the initiation to, you know, not have to be the one primarily carrying all that responsibility on their shoulders. So it. It removes blockages to fun, and it also helps create more anticipation and excitement.

[Xander Marin]

Okay, but myth number three. If I have to schedule it, then does that mean I'm not attracted to my partner anymore?

[Vanessa Marin]

No. I mean, again, think back to the date night example. We wouldn't say that about, like, oh, I guess you're not attracted to me anymore if you want to go on a date night with me.

[Xander Marin]

God, why? Yeah, why the hell do we need emotional connection? Any kind of connection?

[Vanessa Marin]

I think scheduling sex, it shows your partner that you are prioritizing them. You're prioritizing the relationship. I mean, again, think back to, like, earlier stages of the relationship. Think about scheduling date nights. Like, when somebody makes that effort for you, you're like, oh, my gosh.

[Xander Marin]

Wow.

[Vanessa Marin]

They're, like, carving time out of their busy life to spend with me. They're thinking about me. They're making plans. Like, we feel, you know, we feel excited about that. We feel honored about that. So I think that when we create that space to connect with each other, it's showing our partner, like, I still want to have sex with you. I still value you. I. Our. Our physical connection is important to me.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, I think that this, this is so much bigger than most people realize. Because the most common things that I hear from men who are in long term relationships is this general. And I'm not saying all men, not saying all relationships, but I think that there is a common experience among many men of feeling like, okay, it seemed like early in our relationship we were having a lot of sex. We were having great sex. It seemed like my partner really enjoyed having sex with me and wanted to have sex with me. And then as life went on, the relationship progressed. We reached a point where it no longer feels like my partner wants to actively have sex with me. It seems like it's something I have to ask for. I'm doing the majority of the initiation. I'm not ever seeing my partner or I'm very rarely seeing my partner seeming to want it or be interested, proactively interested in it. And I think that that's one of a real big baseline fear of a lot of men, because physical intimacy is, is, is a huge way of feeling validation and feeling just any kind of connection. And I think that so many men have this fear of, oh, my God, like, I don't think she actually really wants it. I don't think she actually really misses it. And then, you know, then you start to spiral and wonder, well, so what happened at the beginning of the relationship? Was that real? Was that not real? Was that just an act to, to lock me down, to get into this relationship? And I think that those thoughts eat away at a lot of men. And, you know, combined with, you know, if you're in a situation where the man is initiating almost all of the time, he's getting a lot of notes from the partner. It's just this, this big fear. Does my partner really care about this? And a lot of men will, you know, they, they won't really realize they're doing this, and they'll do this, and this is a shitty thing to do, but they'll stop initiating, be like. And test their partner. Okay, well, how long do we have to go before they say something? How long till they try initiating? Because they want to see that you care. And I think this is the easiest way to show that you care. Hey, this is so important to me. I want to make sure that we do this at least X number of times a month, X number of times a week. I want to make sure it's on the calendar and so that we can both get excited about it. Because I always want you to know how important this is to me.

[Vanessa Marin]

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[Xander Marin]

Best Christmas present ever.

[Vanessa Marin]

We ended up becoming absolutely obsessed with it. And through a series of really funny little coincidences, we actually ended up becoming friends with the couple who owns this company. And we became so obsessed with this pillow that we actually joined as advisors to the company and we are sharing it on our Instagram. It is literally the first time we have ever promoted a product that's not ours on Instagram. We are that obsessed with this pillow. And I know you look at this and you think, could a little pillow, like really make that big of a difference?

[Xander Marin]

Can it really change your sex life?

[Vanessa Marin]

It absolutely can. The way that it changes the angle on some of your favorite positions and makes brand new positions totally doable.

[Xander Marin]

And it's like the exact right angle.

[Vanessa Marin]

It's perfect and it's beautiful. You can leave it out on your bed. Nobody knows what it is. Unlike some of those other pillows that we've all seen.

[Xander Marin]

Let's be real. Unlike all those other ones.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. So we absolutely love this. We think every couple should have it. And we can hook you up with a sweet little discount head to vmtherapy.com pillow and use code pillowtalks to get 10% off. That's vmtherapy.com pillow code pillow talks.

[Xander Marin]

All right, now let's cruise on to myth 4 scheduling sex just makes it feel like another item on the to do list.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, two things here. How you schedule it matters, and that's what we're gonna get into in just a second. If you're scheduling it with a sense of dread, scheduling it the same way you schedule your dentist appointment. Like, of course that's not gonna make it very sexy. And second thing is that the sex that you guys are having has to be enjoyable.

[Xander Marin]

Yes.

[Vanessa Marin]

So scheduling sex sex is not gonna work if you don't like the sex that you're having.

[Xander Marin]

It's not the silver bullet. Like, this one thing will completely fix any problem that you have in your relationship. Yeah. If you 100. If you legitimately just don't want to have sex with your partner at all, whether it's scheduled or not, that's a serious problem, and that's something to address. There could be some, you know, technique or physical based reasons for that. There could be some emotional reasons for that. But, yeah, that would probably be something you might want to do some personal work on figuring out. Why is it that I legit don't want to have sex with my partner? Why is it that I'm not finding any enjoyment in this? Okay, so moving on into myth number five. Okay, once we start scheduling it, doesn't that mean that we'll never have spontaneous sex again?

[Vanessa Marin]

Definitely not. I think people see this as so black and white. Like, we're not trying to say that spontaneous sex is a terrible thing that nobody should ever do. Like, it is fun when it just feels like. Like, you know, it just kind of happens in the moment. You both happen to be in the mood or interested or excited. But again, I think it's more about that, like, what we're really wanting is the excitement of sex. Not necessarily that it has to be spontaneous, but again, like, we're not trying to say it's one or the other black or white. And I think when you schedule sex, it helps create this foundation that then makes sex start to feel easier. So most couples will tell us, once we started scheduling sex, we actually also started having more moments of spontaneity where, you know, we had sex at a time that it wasn't planned for us to have it. So I. Especially for couples, that if you're in a dry spell, if your sex life has just felt disconnected lately, I think scheduling sex can be a great way to bring that feeling of excitement back into your relationship and your sex life.

[Xander Marin]

All right, so we've kind of talked through all the major myths or the major objections that people have to scheduling. So I guess let's get into actually how do you do it in the right way?

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, so first of all, pick your scheduling type. So here's where right off the bat, a lot of people get it wrong. We think of scheduling in such a rigid way. Like it has to be, okay, it's every Tuesday night from 8:45 to 9:03pm we get so technical about it. But there are actually a lot of different ways that you can schedule. So here are just some of the options that you could do. You could agree on a standing day of the week or days of the week. And I think this works really well for people who have pretty scheduled lives in general. Maybe you have kids, it's just like the calendar is crazy. So you can figure out like, okay, we tend to on Saturday afternoons, the kids are always at soccer practice, they're always with their grandparents. So Saturday afternoons are a really good time for us. Or maybe it's like Wednesday nights or whatever. So that could be one approach to it where you're picking specific days and that's just like your day of the week or days of the week.

[Xander Marin]

So the great thing about picking a standing day is that there's some flexibility there. If you know that there's a specific time slot or time range that's going to work best. You can agree. Okay, yeah, it's going to, you know, it's probably going to be like after 8pm or between 4 and 6pm or a very specific time or if you are not super duper scheduled and you do want there to still be a little space for maybe some openness or maybe a little bit of spontaneity. You could, it could just be, hey, it's, you know, this is the day that we expect sex to happen and it's kind of open for one partner or the other to initiate at a, at whatever they want throughout the day.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, a totally different option, and this is actually something that we're really doing in this season of our relationship is have a little conversation about it in the morning about like, do we want to have sex today? And if so, what's the best time for us to have sex? Or what do we need to do in order to clear the space and the time for us to have sex? So yeah, we don't have like certain days of the week that we are committing to doing it. We tend to have like a little check in in the morning. So there's still an element of like planning and putting effort into it, but it doesn't feel, you know, it doesn't feel like, super, super scheduled to us. It's more of a conversation rather than, like a specific schedule.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. And that's not to say that's not the only way it ever happens. It does happen more spontaneously or more in the moment sometimes, but very often it's one or both of us being like, hey, I'd love to have sex with you later. When would be a good time? Or it's like literally just. I mean, we look at our schedule at the beginning of the day anyway, whether we're gonna have sex or not, to get us to remind ourselves of what is happening in that day. And so, yeah, also think about when would be a good time. Like, oh, obviously if I'm going out to dinner with some friends, then probably would be a good idea to do it before that.

[Vanessa Marin]

You know, another option is you could take a look at your calendar on a monthly basis and kind of pencil in what are the best days and time for you guys to have intimacy versus you could plan sex dates one at a time. Like after you had just had your last one. Then you're planning, okay, when do we want to do this again?

[Xander Marin]

Again? Yeah, that first. That first one that you described. I think, you know, we're sort of like looking through the month and identifying, all right, what looks like generally good days or good windows and bad windows. I think that could be really great for a dynamic. We hear this all the time where one partner is complaining that the other partner struggles to read the room, or it's always initiating an inopportune moments. That can be a really great way to. To. To kind of be able to get your heads together and identify together. Oh, okay. So these are generally good times, these are bad times. That can be a good way so that you both get on the same page. Because usually when one person is saying, you know, that one partner can't read the room, the other partner is not really understanding why that's a bad time. And so being able to actually sit down objectively, not right in the moment of initiation when I. If I initiate in a really bad time, Ifanessa's like, oh, God, how dare you? Now let me teach you why this is a bad time to initiate. That doesn't feel like a good conversation. But if we sit down at the beginning of the month and look at our schedule, then we can talk through, oh, okay, yeah. You know, these. A day like this where I'm scheduled this much, it's really hard for me to even start thinking about Intimacy. But a day like that where I have some me time and blah, blah, blah, then I'm much more open to it. And so I think that's a really great way for both partners to be able to talk about when feels like good times for them.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay. Another tip, which actually maybe we should have shared first, is to just change the freaking name. Like, if you're somebody who gets really triggered by the phrase scheduling sex, don't call it scheduled sex. So you could literally just say, like, we're planning for sex. You could call it intentional intimacy. I like that a lot because it's just. It's conveying, like, we're trying to be intentional about this because it's something that is important to us. It's something that matters. You could simply call it date night, or it's sexy date night.

[Xander Marin]

It's like going back to the beginning of the relationship where. Where, yeah, if we're gonna go out on a date, we're probably gonna have sex. The only thing that I would suggest was we always talk about first is when you're in a committed relationship and there's no, you know, and there's no question of will you or won't you have sex? It's like, yeah, we're in a relationship. We do have sex. Have the sex before the actual date night. Like, if you can. Obviously, you know, when there. There might be logistical reasons why that can't happen, but, you know, trying to prioritize the physical intimacy before something like a date night where you might be out late, you might be eating or drinking in ways that might make you not feel super sexy when you get home, I think that is. That is so, so important. But, yeah, I mean, that just brings it back to that, you know, before the. The early times when it was like, oh, yeah, we're going on a date night. That means we're gonna have sex, too. Something to get excited for.

[Vanessa Marin]

Or you can even just come up with a different name for it. Like something that's an inside joke between the two of you. Something, like, makes it. It feel special between the two of you. But, yeah, even just like, we don't use the phrase scheduled sex in our own lives at all. Like, it just. Yeah, you don't have to use that name if it doesn't resonate with you. And, I mean, it doesn't sound very sexy. So just change the name.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, I mean, I feel like. I mean, I wouldn't even call what we do a specific thing. I would just say we prioritize intimacy and we Talk about it. We talk about when we want to have it, before the moment when it feels like I have to have it. And we talk about it and we make it happen.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay, next tip is to schedule quality time too. So like I said earlier, you know, we talk about emotional intimacy and physical intimacy as two sides of the same coin. We think they're both equally important. And the reality is most couples struggle to carve out quality time for each other too. So we can schedule that as well. So I think scheduling quality time, whether that's date night or even something more simple, like we're just gonna go on a walk around the block together, or we're gonna put our phones down and have a real conversation. Like, when you schedule that quality time, it reinforces that we're scheduling things because we value each other, because we wanna make sure that we have this time with each other. And when you're scheduling that quality time, then it makes scheduling sex feel easier too. It's just you've kind of taken a lot of the negative view of scheduling away.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, I mean, just schedule more stuff for the two of you. I think that's the huge thing that so many of us miss. We schedule literally everything else in our life. We have, you know, a work calendar. We have, you know, the calendar for our kids for activity. You know, we put trips on the calendar. We put all these things on the calendar. And the one thing that we so often forget to put on the calendar is the relationship stuff. And at the end of the day, like, your relationship is like. I mean, I would argue that should be your number one. It's like the oxygen mask. Like, we get into a relationship because we don't want to do this life alone. And obviously we, you know, most of us, we not us, but most of us have kids and we have a family. But I think, I mean, the oxygen mask thing is so important. Like, we can't, you know, okay, we can't show up our best in a relationship unless we put our own oxygen mask on. And I think that most parents in long term relationships would agree. Like, we can't show up best for our kids if we are constantly fighting, if we are not in a good space together. So why not also plan this stuff? I mean, I think so many of us, we get so overly scheduled with our kids and we forget to schedule ourselves. And then we feel like we're strangers and we feel like we're missing. We're not showing up for family in the way that we really want to.

[Vanessa Marin]

So, yeah, I mean, like, If a stranger was to take a look at their calendar, what would they think you value in your life? What would they think is important to you?

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, I mean, most people. If I'm taking a typical person with kids, a stranger objectively looking at the calendar would be like, okay, so the kids are really important. Work is really important. Their friends are kind of maybe important because there's probably, like, oh, coffee with Ashley and, you know, dinner with John or whatever. And then they would probably be like, are they in a relationship? I don't know.

[Vanessa Marin]

So if you're really resistant to the idea of scheduling sex or if it feels like pressure to you, I think scheduling quality time can be a great intermediary step to take. So you can say, we're gonna schedule this time together, and that's all that we're gonna schedule. And maybe if the desire for sex happens to show up during that time, or we're both willing to have sex, maybe we will have sex in those moments. But ultimately, all that we're scheduling is just quality time. That can be a great first step to take. And we'll share another intermediary step that you can take to in just a minute. Okay. One quick little tip that we have to throw in here.

[Xander Marin]

We already touched on it a little bit.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. Is that if you are gonna schedule specific days and times, schedule it as early in the evening as possible.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. Don't do, like, 11:30 to midnight.

[Vanessa Marin]

Most couples tend to leave sex until the very end of the night. We somehow have made this link between climbing into bed with, oh, that's time to have sex. But this is a huge mistake. By the time most of us are climbing into bed, we are exhausted. It's game over. We just want to go to sleep in that moment.

[Xander Marin]

Maybe you've already done your whole, like, facial care routine, and it's like, bro, you are not touching my face. I got the expensive lotion on it.

[Vanessa Marin]

It's just. It's such a hard time to get really excited and in the mood to have sex. So prioritize it as early in the evening as possible. Of course that's gonna look different for everybody. We all have different responsibilities and schedules and yada yada. But if it's even just something as simple as, like, we're not gonna watch TV until we do this. We're not gonna scroll Instagram until we have sex. Like, even just that, we're not gonna fold the laundry until we do it. Like, just. That could actually be a really great way to create more time, more energy, and More space for sex. Okay, next tip is to build anticipation. So, of course, if you're thinking of your scheduled sex dates with a sense of dread, you're not going to enjoy it. But instead, like, we want to start creating that anticipation. Think back to when you first started dating your partner and you had a date night on the calendar. Like, you used to get so excited about having that date, and you could spend days counting down when it was gonna happen. And then on the date night itself, maybe it was, you know, I'd work out beforehand, I'd take a shower, I'd shave my legs, I'd pick my outfit out, I'd do my hair and makeup. I would dance around to my favorite songs. Like, whatever it was that used to get you excited to spend time with your partner. Try to do some of those things now. Like, ask yourself, what can I do to get myself in the mood before our date night? And you can also ask yourself, like, how can my partner help me get in the mood for date night too? So what were the things you used to do together that would get you excited? Like, maybe it was flirting with each other, teasing each other, sending sexy messages all throughout the day. So you think about, yeah, just how can we bring that sense of playfulness and anticipation into our physical intimacy with each other? So some other ideas is, like, some people actually enjoy making a calendar invite. Like, you can put something silly in the name. You can use funny emojis. Some people, an actual calendar invite feels really fun. Other couples, it won't. So obviously this is very individual, but maybe you writing some little handwritten notes to each other or sending some texts throughout the day. But again, this is just all about what are ways that we can build that anticipation and excitement rather than treating it like, oh, God, it's this thing that we have to do. Okay, our next tip is to lower the bar. So this is another way that we can create, like, an intermediary step for anybody who's feeling nervous about scheduling sex or worried about that. Like, feeling a sense of pressure or obligation on the actual, like, time, you know, the actual date night that you have.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, I think that this can come up really frequently for people that they're in, you know, possibly in a bit more of a dry spell currently. Or maybe the way initiation works in their relationship is kind of broken and, you know, you know, one partner is saying no to another partner a lot. Maybe mental load is really imbalanced. All kinds of things where one partner is really closed off to the idea of sex or. Or that Intercourse feels like, ooh, there. It's a lot of work to get there. Or like, I really am actively not wanting it in many moments and, you know, being really worried. Okay, well, okay, yeah, well, so we could schedule it. But if I look back at my history, I don't have a history of being like, oh, okay, well, on this day, I'm gonna do it. So now all of a sudden, I'm like, ready to do it.

[Vanessa Marin]

Yeah. I think it's so important for us to recognize that sex does not have to equal penetration. And, you know, in male, female relationships, we unfortunately have this idea that, like, sex is putting a penis into a vagina, but there are so many different ways to have sex with each other. We don't need to put that one specific act on a pedestal. And yeah, if you're somebody who's feeling nervous, feeling worried about, you know, feeling a sense of pressure, if we expand our definition of sex and lower that bar, it can make this feel so much easier. So one of my favorite techniques here is to create a bare minimum. So you pick one activity that feels totally manageable, like something that you would be willing to do no matter what. You don't need to feel, like this super strong sense of desire for it. So that could be something as simple as cuddling naked together. It could be giving each other massages. It could be having a makeout session. It could be like masturbating side by side.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. Depending on what you're up for.

[Vanessa Marin]

Or even just you, you keeping your partner company while they masturbate. So basically how this works is that when you are making a sex date, you're agreeing to that bare minimum. So you're not saying, we're gonna have intercourse. We're doing everything. We're going all the way. You're just going to do that one thing. So it is similar to how we were talking about scheduling quality time earlier. Like, when you schedule quality time, you're just committing to spending that quality time together. Same kind of thing here. You're just agreeing to do that bare minimum activity. If you happen to want more, if you happen to want to keep going further, then you absolutely can. But what you are truly agreeing to is just this one activity.

[Xander Marin]

Now, I think the thing with this is that, because I think some people hear that and go, okay, well, great. So that just means that we're going to have a lot of naked cuddles together and nothing else. But here's the thing. I think that for someone that has this immediate reaction that, ooh, it just Feels like intercourse is a really high bar and I'm just not sure I'm going to be ready for that. That is very likely someone that is pretty strongly responsive in terms of their sex drive type. And the thing with somebody who is responsive is when they don't have anything to respond to in their head, they're thinking, sex. That sounds crazy right now. That sounds like absolutely something that I do not want to want until the moment when they start having something to respond to. And all of a sudden their desire fires up and sex, intercourse, whatever it is, starts to sound really, really good. So really what you are agreeing to is doing something that gives them a good chance of getting their desire fired up, getting their response of desire fired up, something to respond to. So it's not like I'm not telling you, oh, if you do this, you're going to end up having intercourse every single time. Time. You're probably not, but I think that you are going to have it a lot more frequently, especially if you focus on, you know, pro tip, focus on doing things during intercourse that are going to be as pleasurable, as responsive as possible for your partner. You're going to find your, your partner being a lot more open to doing more, a lot more often because you are giving them what they need in terms of that responsive desire, having something to get fired up with.

[Vanessa Marin]

Okay. And then our final tip is to take turns being in charge of your sex dates. So ask each other, like, what helps sex feel enjoyable, what helps you feel open to sex, excited about sex? And so those can be super logistical things. Maybe it's like a clean bedroom, the kids being asleep, or they can be like more physical things like, like, I want 20 minutes of a back rub. I want us to like cuddle and hold each other for a while beforehand. It could be like, I wanna have like a real conversation, you know, feel a little bit of emotional connection. So what you can do is, you know, when it's your turn to plan the scheduled date, like you put that effort into getting those things in place for your partner. You can also take turns taking the lead when it comes to the initiation of it. So even though you're scheduling sex, there's still like in the moment, someone has to be like, hey, remember it's our special night tonight, or whatever it is. Like, you still have to talk about it. So you can take turns doing that. But basically taking turns in that way, it really helps both partners feel cared for. It can help you each feel seduced by your partner. Desired by your partner.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah, it can be like that thing I was talking about of, you know, many men being scared that their partner. Partner doesn't really actually want to have sex with them. That's. This is a great way to show your partner. Yes, this is important to me. I know it's on the calendar. I'm going to show up for you in the same way that you show up for me.

[Vanessa Marin]

And another fun way to do this is you can even do, like, king or queen or ruler nights where you are, like, one person. It is all about them that night. So everything is just about their pleasure, about pampering them, taking care of them. So you trade off with that, obviously.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. Probably not like, this wouldn't be like, oh, every week we, you know, every single time we're trading off. But this often, this is something that people will do like once a month, once a quarter, something like that, to kind of like, inject something a little different into their sex life.

[Vanessa Marin]

All right, well, that wraps up our tips for how to schedule sex in the right way.

[Xander Marin]

Yeah. Are you gonna try it?

[Vanessa Marin]

I know. I hope we have convinced. Convinced you. I really want you guys to give it a shot. I know. I know that it just has such a bad reputation. It makes people, you know, feel so nervous. But I really hope that we've convinced you that scheduling sex is actually really the opposite of what so many of us think of it as. It's a way of showing our partner how important they are to us, how important our connection is to us. It's a way of showing ourselves how important it is that we're willing to make that effort, to carve out that time to save energy, to prioritize each other.

[Xander Marin]

I mean, I might even say, are you willing to engage in intentional intimacy? Don't even say the word schedule. Like, take that out of your vocab. Yeah, take it out of your vocabulary. If you don't. If you don't like it, do you want to engage in intentional intimacy? If not, why the hell are you in a relationship? I hate to say it, but, like what? Like, what are you doing in a relationship, In a marriage? Wow. Mic drop, I guess. Bring us home, babe.

[Vanessa Marin]

All right. And we will again link for you in the show notes, our brand new little special thing that we are offering for couples who want to keep the spark alive in their relationship.

[Xander Marin]

Name? Tbd.

[Vanessa Marin]

Name tbd. We are.

[Xander Marin]

Please vote on Spotify. We need your help.

[Vanessa Marin]

But remember, it'll be that emotional intimacy date night. A physical intimacy date night sex position of the month. Some connecting questions. Of the month. And all that for just nine bucks a month. So we'll put the show. Put that link in the show notes for you.

[Xander Marin]

All right, well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week because we release new episodes every Thursday.