Pillow Talks: E246 — How To Stay Connected When The World Feels Like It’s Burning

Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin
Date: February 5, 2026

Overview

In this timely episode, Vanessa and Xander tackle the very real challenge of maintaining intimacy and connection with your partner when the world feels overwhelming, bleak, or even on fire. Spurred by numerous DMs from listeners struggling to feel desire or joy in the midst of political turbulence, violence, and relentless bad news, they reframe intimacy not as escapism or privilege, but as vital resistance and fuel for resilience. The episode blends empathy, personal stories, practical advice, and even some laughs, making a case that connection is not just nice to have, but essential—especially in hard times.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Listener’s Dilemma & Why This Episode (00:49 – 02:17)

• Vanessa reads a DM about guilt and shame around enjoying sex and pleasure when there’s suffering in the world (e.g., “How can I feel pleasure when people are being kidnapped, separated, or murdered?”).
• The Marins note a flood of similar messages and record this episode quickly to address a shared struggle.

How Stress and World Events Impact Intimacy (04:13 – 13:00)

• Three Common Stress Responses:
  • Fight: Anger and conflict redirected toward close ones.
    • “We project whatever we are feeling on someone that is closer, someone that is a little more convenient to be able to unload that on.” – Zander (08:09)
  • Flight: Emotional or physical withdrawal, including avoiding partners.
  • Freeze: Feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or doom-scrolling.
• Stress decreases sexual desire (“stress is the number one boner killer and wetness killer” – Vanessa, 10:29).
• Human biology hasn't caught up with modern, chronic stressors; the body still reacts physiologically as if facing immediate danger.
  • “Our bodies haven’t adapted in that way…technology and society has evolved much faster than our actual bodies have evolved.” – Zander (12:15)

Why Staying Connected Matters (14:10 – 19:35)

• Humans are wired to survive crisis together; connection, not isolation, historically gets people through war and instability.
• Disconnection at home doesn’t help those who are suffering.
  • “Your disconnection does not make any impact. It does not make any change. If you allow yourself to get dehumanized by isolating, by disconnecting…like, the bad guys win.” – Vanessa (18:53)
• Intimacy isn’t distraction from reality—it’s a way to restore, recharge, and endure.

The Power of Co-Regulation & Naming Emotions (23:46 – 26:23)

• Co-Regulation: Nervous systems can regulate better together than alone; just sitting and cuddling can calm both partners.
  • “Most of us don’t really understand what that is until we learn about the topic of co-regulation. And then it kind of turns a light bulb on.” – Zander (23:46)
• Physical touch boosts oxytocin, reduces cortisol, and improves well-being.
• Name It to Tame It: Labeling feelings aloud reduces their grip and dissipates strong emotions.
  • “When we name our feelings, we tame our feelings.” – Vanessa (24:36)

Reframing Joy and Connection as Resistance (26:23 – 38:52)

• Joy is not selfish—it’s resistance. Authoritarian systems thrive on isolation and despair, but joy keeps us human, preserves imagination and hope.
  • “Joy is saying, I refuse to be dehumanized, I refuse to be beat down, I refuse to give up hope.” – Vanessa (29:24)
• Being grounded, calm, and connected creates the capacity for positive change—not the opposite.
  • “Regulated people are more effective people.” – Vanessa (26:23)
• Holding the “And”: You can acknowledge suffering in the world AND allow yourself joy and connection.
  • “Multiple things can be true at the same time… I can still choose to experience joy and connection.” – Vanessa (29:24)
• Guilt over privilege can be transformed: accept circumstances AND do what you can to help.

Lessons from Sobriety and Parenting (31:25 – 37:50)

• Personal story: Xander shares how, in sobriety communities, hearing stories of people doing well gives others hope. You don’t have to manufacture suffering.
• Would you ever tell a child to stop playing because of world suffering? The answer is always no—so why impose that on yourself?
  • “Sex and real, true intimacy…is one of our prime ways of playing as adults.” – Zander (36:32)

Practical Advice (43:19 – 57:33)

12 Specific Ways to Stay Connected When the World Feels Like It’s Burning:

1. Be Honest: Share your fears, guilt, or shame out loud to break the cycle.
   • “Name it to tame it with your partner.” – Vanessa (44:13)
2. Daily Check-Ins: Make honest sharing a regular ritual.
3. Contextualize Feelings: Frame them within current events; don’t deny or get stuck.
4. Do Grounding Practices Together: Walks, meditation, or journaling.
5. Complete the Stress Cycle: Shake your body out, dance intensely, scream into pillows, or do hard exercise.
6. Healthy Media Boundaries: Limit doom scrolling; pick trusted news sources and set time limits together.
   • “Doom scrolling does not help anyone.” – Vanessa (51:23)
7. Simple Shared Pleasures: Cook, listen to music, watch comedy specials.
8. Concrete Activism Together: Donate, volunteer, call legislators with specific times.
9. Practice Transition Time: Ritualize moving from stress/doom scrolling into quality time.
10. Physical Touch Without Pressure: Hug, cuddle, hold hands.
11. Keep Sex Expectations Realistic: Stick to familiar, tender intimacy, not performance.
    • “Stick to reliable favorites…this may not be the time to be like, all right, let’s do a threesome.” – Zander (56:50)
12. Acknowledge Each Other: Explicitly thank your partner for choosing connection.

Core Reminder:
“Staying connected is not escapism. It is how we stay grounded, human, and capable of showing up for each other.” – Vanessa (57:33)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Your disconnection does not make any impact. It does not make any change…If you allow yourself to get dehumanized by isolating, by disconnecting…like, the bad guys win.” – Vanessa (18:53)
• “Regulated people are more effective people.” – Vanessa (26:23)
• “Joy is saying, I refuse to be dehumanized, I refuse to be beat down, I refuse to give up hope. I can be honest and realistic about what is happening and I can also be joyful.” – Vanessa (29:24)
• “Sex and real, true intimacy, that is one of our prime ways of playing as adults.” – Zander (36:32)
• “Our business…is to help couples experience real, deep, profound intimacy with each other…What better time than to help support couples in that than the challenging times?” – Vanessa & Zander (59:07–59:15)
• “Orgasms are resistance. Joy is resistance. Intimacy and connection are resistance.” – Vanessa (60:58)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:49: Listener DM & why the episode exists
• 04:13–13:00: How stress impacts intimacy
• 14:10–19:35: Connection as survival and resistance
• 23:46–26:23: Co-regulation and naming emotions
• 26:23–38:52: Joy as resistance; holding the “and”
• 31:25–37:50: Sobriety, parenting, and hope
• 43:19–57:33: Practical ways to foster connection

Final Thoughts

Vanessa and Xander emphasize that there will never be a convenient time to prioritize relationships—and that in the hardest times, connection is most essential. They invite listeners to reframe guilt and shame into radical self- and relational-care, fueling the ability to make a real difference in the world. After all, “Joy is resistance.”

For the complete list of resources, guides, and recommendations, check vmtherapy.com.