Pillow Talks – Episode 248:
How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner (Without Making It Weird)
Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin
Date: February 19, 2026

Episode Overview

In this listener-favorite episode from the Pillow Talks archives, sex therapist Vanessa Marin and her husband Xander dive into one of their most essential and requested topics: how to initiate sexual communication with your partner—especially if they feel awkward or resistant. Backed by honesty, humor, and real-life stories, the episode is packed with practical strategies, actual scripts, and encouraging advice to help couples talk about sex in low-pressure, non-goal-oriented ways. The hosts tackle common hang-ups, reveal their own history with communication struggles, and offer creative tips to start conversations that nurture intimacy and connection.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Talk About Sex in the First Place? (09:23–14:46)

• Common Objections Addressed:

  • Many people believe that talking about sex is unnecessary or "shouldn't be needed" in a good relationship. Vanessa and Xander challenge this with humor and analogies (e.g., parenting).
  • The lack of cultural examples leads couples to fear that bringing up sex signals something is wrong, when in reality, it fosters intimacy and prevents misunderstandings.

• Insight:
  Talking about sex openly is as essential as communicating about any area of partnership, from parenting to finances. It's not a sign of crisis, but a tool for growth and connection.

  • Quote:
    “Could you imagine having kids and never talking to your partner about your parenting style or how to handle certain tricky situations with your kids?... It's ludicrous.”
    — Vanessa (14:13)

2. The Hosts’ Personal Journey With Sexual Communication (05:26–13:39)

• Vanessa and Xander recount how they once avoided talking about sex entirely, even though Vanessa was studying to become a sex therapist.

• Xander’s Perspective:
  He used to think: “What do I need to do… so that we don’t actually have to talk about this?” (09:40)

• The turning point: Couples therapy and learning to talk out their struggles, leading to co-authoring their bestselling book Sex Talks.

• Key Takeaway:
  If you struggle to talk about sex, you’re far from alone—even the professionals have been there!

3. Benefits of Talking About Sex (16:47–21:40)

• Intimacy: Talking leads to both vulnerability and fun/flirty banter, increasing connection.

• Breaking Shame: Naming desires and fears out loud brings light to sexual shame and performance anxiety.

  • Quote:
    “One of the best ways to create intimacy is through vulnerability… there’s so much vulnerability to share with your partner because our sexuality is such an intrinsic part of who we are.”
    — Vanessa (17:10)

• Better Sex: The ultimate payoff of communication is a more satisfying, exploratory, and fulfilling sex life.

4. Common Barriers to Sexual Communication (22:08–24:31)

• Drawn from audience responses, key barriers include:
  • Fear of judgment or hurting your partner
  • Shame, religious trauma, embarrassment
  • Feeling intimidated by partner’s experience
  • Long-standing habits of not talking
  • Fear of caring "too much" about sex (especially for men)
  • Not knowing where to start

5. The Secret Sauce: Non-Goal-Oriented Sexual Communication (24:31–26:21)

• Definition:

  • Not every conversation needs to solve a problem or lead directly to sex.

  • Practice talking about sex when nothing is wrong and no one is trying to "fix" anything or get anything immediately from their partner.

  • Quote:
    “Our secret to making sexual communication so much easier and so much more effective is to talk about it, especially at first, in a non goal-oriented way.”
    — Vanessa (24:32)

6. Practical Strategies & Playful Scripts to Start Sexual Conversations

a) Compliments (27:11–29:14)

• Offer genuine compliments related to attraction, both physical and non-physical, without using them as a segue to sex.
  • E.g., “I’m still as attracted to you as the day we met.”

b) Reminisce About Favorite Moments (29:15–33:29)

• Casually recall a positive intimate experience, keeping it light or specific based on comfort.
  • Tip: Don’t immediately try to turn reminiscing into sex; if intimacy does spark, enjoy it but clarify your intent afterward.

c) Sneaky Conversation Starters (34:07–38:02)

• Book Placement: Put Vanessa & Xander’s Sex Talks on your nightstand.

• Play Podcasts or Instagram Reels: Choose neutral or humorous content (not complaint-based) in the background when your partner’s around.

• TV & Movies: Pause during a show’s sex scene and discuss what you both thought—keeping the talk non-personal and low-pressure.

• Text/Email: For shy partners, start the dialogue digitally.

• Blame the Hosts:
  “I heard Vanessa and Xander say it’s important to talk about sex. What do you think about that?”

• Notable Quote:
  “Use us as a way to open the conversation...it’s not you coming to them saying ‘we need to talk’ (everyone’s least favorite sentence).”
  — Vanessa (45:00)

d) Share a (Real or Imagined) Sexy Dream (41:23–42:34)

• Flirtatiously mention a sexy dream or fantasy; can be as vague or explicit as you feel.

e) Post-Game Recap (46:25–48:08)

• After sex, casually share what you liked (“That was fun. I loved how you kissed me like that.”), avoiding detailed critiques.

f) The Heartfelt Request (48:11–50:23)

• If gentle approaches don’t work, be open about why talking matters to you and ask your partner what comes up for them, while validating their feelings.

7. Repetition, Patience, and Consistency (50:23–51:00)

• Advice: Don’t get discouraged by one awkward conversation or lukewarm response.
  • “We've just been really hardwired to avoid this stuff... It’s going to take repetition.” — Xander (50:23)

8. Additional Resources

• Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life – Vanessa & Xander’s book offers stepwise guidance, conversation scripts, and hopeful stories from their own relationship and readers.

  • Listener Quote (52:05): “We just started [reading the book]...and after we turned out the lights, my husband said, 'Thanks for finding this book and suggesting it. Actually, thanks for finding these people on the internet. They’ve been a huge net positive in our relationship.'” — Vanessa, reading listener feedback

• The Spark: Monthly digital date night resource for couples, mentioned at (34:07), designed to bring fun, intimacy, and flirty connection with minimal planning.

Timestamps for Major Segments

• 05:26 — Vanessa & Xander’s backstory with sexual communication
• 09:23 — Why talk about sex at all?
• 16:47 — Intimacy, vulnerability, and the benefits of talking about sex
• 22:08 — Biggest barriers to talking about sex (audience poll)
• 24:31 — The "secret sauce": Non-goal-oriented sexual communication
• 27:11 — Practical tip #1: Compliments
• 29:15 — Practical tip #2: Reminiscing
• 34:07 — Sneaky conversation starters (book, podcasts, Reels)
• 41:23 — Sexy dream opener
• 43:43 — Using TV/movies as conversation bridges
• 45:00 — “Blame us”/use hosts as your conversation buffer
• 46:25 — Recap after sex
• 48:11 — Heartfelt direct requests
• 50:23 — Consistency and patience
• 52:05 — Listener success story, book resource

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Breaking The Ice:
  “Non goal oriented sexual communication... We need a sexier name for that.”
  — Vanessa (24:31)

• Confession:
  “I know for me… I was also combating a number of performance anxieties. And it wasn’t until we were able to really talk about those openly… that I was really able to walk through those and feel like, oh, okay, this doesn’t have to be all about me. This is something we can address together.”
  — Xander (19:47)

• Encouragement for Listeners:
  “Just imagine how good it would feel to overcome those feelings [of shame, nerves, awkwardness]...”
  — Vanessa (24:12)

Episode Takeaways

• Start small: Casual, non-pressured mentions, compliments, or humor are powerful gateways.
• Be patient: Comfort with these conversations is built gradually.
• Normalize the discomfort: Even therapists feel awkward—what counts is willingness to try.
• Consistency matters: Treat talking about sex as natural as planning dinner.
• Use available resources: Books, podcasts, and digital tools can open doors where words get stuck.

This episode is an essential listen or read for anyone who’s ever wished for more honest, connected, and enjoyable conversations about sex with their partner—without the weirdness or stress.