Podcast Summary: Pillow Talks – Episode 192: “Is This Normal?” Part 4 — Low Desire Husband, Never Had A Fight, & Baby Talk

Release Date: January 23, 2025

Hosts: Vanessa & Xander Marin
Platform: QCODE
Description: Vanessa, a seasoned sex therapist with two decades of experience, and Xander, her relatable and humorous husband, delve into the complexities of relationships. Together, they offer practical advice, candid stories, and effective techniques to help listeners navigate their own romantic lives.

Introduction

In Episode 192 of Pillow Talks, Vanessa and Xander Marin continue their exploration of the theme "Is This Normal?" by addressing three intriguing questions submitted by listeners. The episode delves into issues surrounding low sexual desire, the absence of conflicts in a relationship, and the impact of baby talk on intimacy. Throughout the discussion, the couple provides insightful perspectives, expert advice, and relatable anecdotes to help listeners understand and navigate their relationship challenges.

1. Is It Normal for My Husband to Have Absolutely No Sex Drive?

Question Overview: A listener shares concerns about her husband, a corrections officer of six years, who has developed severe depression and anxiety due to his stressful job. He has gained significant weight, exhibits no desire for sex, and refrains from masturbation. While he plans to seek therapy and change jobs, the listener wonders if his low sex drive is normal.

Discussion Highlights:

• Understanding Sexual Desire Variability: Vanessa explains that variations in sex drive are normal and that about 1% of the population identifies as asexual, where sex is not a component of their lives. However, in this case, the lack of desire is attributed to external factors rather than inherent orientation.

• Impact of Stress and Mental Health: Stressful occupations, such as being a corrections officer, can significantly impact one's sex drive. Vanessa likens sex drive to a "canary in the coal mine," serving as an indicator of overall well-being. When the body is under immense stress, it diverts energy away from non-essential functions like sexual desire to focus on survival.

• Couple's Emotional Strain: Xander adds that the listener's situation is understandable given her husband's constant fight-or-flight state. He emphasizes the importance of supporting each other through such challenging times.

Notable Quotes:

• Vanessa [08:25]: "I think most of us think of sex drive as just an inherent part of who we are... But I actually like to think of it as the canary in the coal mine example."

• Xander [10:30]: "Sex drive is not the same thing. It's not like a survival mechanism... It is a luxury for our body."

Advice Given:

• Recognize that his lack of sex drive is a symptom of deeper issues like stress and mental health challenges.
• Support his efforts to seek therapy and find a new job, understanding that these steps can gradually improve his overall well-being and, consequently, his sexual desire.
• Validate your own feelings and seek support if this situation is affecting your intimacy and emotional connection.

2. Is It Normal to Never Have Had a Fight?

Question Overview: A listener describes a two-year relationship with a boyfriend where they have never had a fight, attributing it to excellent communication. However, her boyfriend insists that he won't propose unless they experience an argument, leaving her confused about how to proceed.

Discussion Highlights:

• Defining a Fight: Xander questions what constitutes a fight for the couple, suggesting that differing definitions based on individual upbringings can impact relationship dynamics. If conflicts are always managed calmly without raising voices, they might not perceive disagreements as fights.

• Potential Underlying Issues: Vanessa expresses concern that never having a fight might indicate unaddressed issues or unmet needs within the relationship. The absence of conflict doesn't necessarily signify a perfect relationship but could hint at suppressed feelings or reluctance to express dissatisfaction.

• Proposal Condition: The boyfriend’s requirement to have an argument before proposing is seen as an arbitrary and potentially harmful condition. Vanessa and Xander advise the listener to address her feelings directly without orchestrating a fight, emphasizing honest communication about her desire for engagement.

Notable Quotes:

• Xander [19:00]: "What did conflicts or fights look like in your family? If you're anticipating that a fight is like when we're yelling at each other, then yeah, maybe you'll never have a fight if neither of you are prone to raising your voice."

• Vanessa [24:05]: "You're creating this kind of arbitrary feeling rule... Why don't you guys talk this one out, see where it goes."

Advice Given:

• Clarify Definitions: Determine what each partner considers a fight to ensure mutual understanding.
• Communicate Openly: Address the boyfriend's condition for proposing without creating artificial conflicts. Express feelings and desires honestly.
• Explore Relationship Dynamics: Assess whether the absence of fights masks underlying issues or signifies a truly harmonious relationship.

3. Is It Normal for My Partner to Talk in a Baby Voice and for It to Turn Me Off?

Question Overview: A listener notices her male partner occasionally uses a baby voice in their daily interactions, which increasingly turns her off during sexual intimacy. She suspects his profession as a primary school teacher may influence his communication style but is hesitant to address it for fear of seeming mean.

Discussion Highlights:

• Cutesy Communication in Relationships: Vanessa affirms that using pet names or cutesy voices is a common and normal aspect of intimate relationships, serving as a playful and affectionate way to connect.

• Impact of Profession: Xander speculates that his partner's role as a primary school teacher might contribute to his frequent use of baby talk, as he may unconsciously carry work-related communication styles into his personal life.

• Personal Preferences and Boundaries: Vanessa acknowledges that while baby talk is normal, it’s also valid for partners to have different comfort levels with such communication. Being turned off by it is a legitimate feeling that should be addressed respectfully.

Notable Quotes:

• Vanessa [26:58]: "Most couples develop a weird shared language... It's really normal to have that."

• Xander [33:43]: "Like, wait, you want me to stop doing this thing that I do all the time and have been doing all the time for a long time?"

Advice Given:

• Address the Issue Directly: Bring up feelings about the baby talk outside of intimate moments to avoid making the partner feel criticized during sex.
• Use “I” Statements: Express personal discomfort without blaming, such as, "I've been feeling turned off when you use the baby voice during intimacy."
• Seek Compromise: Encourage finding alternative affectionate ways to communicate that both partners are comfortable with.

4. Is It Normal That I Don't Feel Pleasure on My Shaft from Penetration?

Question Overview: A listener expresses that while he experiences intense orgasms from oral and manual stimulation, penetration itself feels underwhelming. He wonders if this lack of sensation during intercourse is normal.

Discussion Highlights:

• Male Sexual Physiology: Xander explains that the head of the penis is more sensitive than the shaft, making manual and oral stimulation feel more intense compared to penetration alone.

• Potential Factors Influencing Sensation:

  • Technique Differences: During intercourse, the stimulation of the penis head may differ compared to other forms of sexual activity.
  • Foreskin and Sensitivity: For uncircumcised men, the foreskin's position can impact sensation during intercourse.
  • Psychological Aspects: Performance anxiety or conditioned responses like a "death grip" from masturbation can affect sexual experience.

• Individual Variability: Vanessa emphasizes that sexual experiences can vary greatly between individuals, and what's normal for one may differ for another.

Notable Quotes:

• Xander [35:31]: "The head of your penis is way more sensitive than the shaft."

• Vanessa [37:08]: "All bodies are different. We all like and respond to and feel different things."

Advice Given:

• Explore Different Techniques: Assess and modify sexual techniques during intercourse to enhance stimulation of the penis head.
• Consult Professionals: If concerns persist, seeking advice from a sex therapist or medical professional can help identify underlying issues.
• Communicate Openly: Discuss preferences and sensations with your partner to find mutually satisfying ways to enhance intimacy.

5. Is It Normal for My Partner to Not Help with Cleanup or Aftercare?

Question Overview: A listener questions whether it's normal for her partner not to assist with post-sex cleanup or aftercare. She observes other women receiving gestures like a damp cloth from their partners but notes that she typically gets up to use the toilet and return to cuddling without any extra help.

Discussion Highlights:

• Diverse Aftercare Practices: Vanessa acknowledges that while many couples develop their own aftercare rituals, it's equally normal for partners to have individualized routines based on personal preferences and habits.

• Communication of Needs: If additional aftercare feels important for emotional connection, it's recommended to communicate these desires clearly to the partner.

• Routine Establishment: Creating a shared post-sex routine can enhance intimacy and provide mutual satisfaction, but it's entirely optional based on the couple's dynamics.

Notable Quotes:

• Vanessa [41:47]: "It's very normal for your partner not to help with cleanup or aftercare."

• Xander [42:30]: "It's super easy to fall into these sort of unspoken patterns."

Advice Given:

• Express Desires Thoughtfully: Share preferences for aftercare activities in a non-demanding manner, emphasizing how they contribute to emotional intimacy.
• Be Open to Adaptation: Collaboratively develop new rituals or routines that cater to both partners' needs and comfort levels.
• Respect Existing Habits: Understand that existing routines are normal and change occurs best through mutual agreement and understanding.

Conclusion

In this episode of Pillow Talks, Vanessa and Xander Marin adeptly address complex relationship questions with empathy, expertise, and practical advice. Whether dealing with low sexual desire due to external stressors, the absence of conflicts in a harmonious relationship, or the nuances of intimate communication styles, the hosts provide listeners with the tools and understanding needed to foster healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Their candid discussions not only normalize diverse relationship experiences but also empower individuals to navigate their personal romantic challenges with confidence and clarity.

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