Podcast Summary: Pillow Talks - EPISODE 214: The Truth About Being Touch-Starved (Even in a Happy Relationship)

Release Date: June 26, 2025

Introduction

In Episode 214 of Pillow Talks, hosts Vanessa and Zander Marin delve into the nuanced issue of being touch-starved, even within seemingly happy and fulfilling relationships. Vanessa, a seasoned sex therapist with over two decades of experience, and Zander, her relatable and humorous partner, explore why physical touch is essential, the reasons couples might find themselves lacking it, and practical strategies to rekindle this vital connection.

The Importance of Physical Touch

Vanessa Marin [00:00]: "Touch is one of the most powerful ways that we connect with our partner."

Zander Marin [04:06]: "When we touch each other, it releases oxytocin, which is known as the bonding hormone."

Key Points:

• Emotional Connection: Physical touch fosters closeness, intimacy, safety, and trust between partners.
• Chemical Benefits: Touch triggers the release of oxytocin, enhancing feelings of love and bonding.
• Nonverbal Communication: Touch serves as a universal language conveying support, empathy, desire, and appreciation without words.
• Healing Power: Touch can be profoundly healing during challenging times, acting as reassurance and comfort.
• Differentiating Relationships: Regular physical contact differentiates a romantic relationship from a mere roommate dynamic, maintaining the unique bond between partners.

Why Are We Becoming Touch-Starved?

Survey Insights:

• 84% of listeners expressed a desire for more or better touch in their relationships:
  • 47% want more touch.
  • 37% seek better quality touch.

Reasons for Declining Touch:

1. Simply Forgetting to Touch

   • Vanessa Marin [19:07]: "We just forget about it. We're busy, distracted, with so many things on our plates."
   • Zander Marin [20:29]: "Just because you are not naturally that person or it doesn't come naturally to you, it doesn't mean you don't need to do it."

2. Falling into Ruts

   • Couples often associate touch with sexual activity, leading to a decline in non-sexual physical interactions.
   • Vanessa Marin [22:50]: "Touch gets looped in together in long-term relationships. If you're not having a lot of sex, you're often not having much touch either."

3. Misconceptions Around Love Languages

   • Relying solely on the love languages model can lead to neglecting other forms of expressing love, such as touch.
   • Zander Marin [22:50]: "It's a simplistic model, and people might use it as an excuse to avoid giving touch."

4. Unresolved Emotional Conflict

   • Emotional distance or resentment can make physical touch feel awkward or unwanted.
   • Vanessa Marin [26:14]: "If you're feeling emotionally distant, disconnected, or resentful, it feels super awkward to be physical."

5. Being 'Touched Out'

   • Especially common among parents, being constantly responsible for others' physical needs can lead to personal touch deprivation.
   • Zander Marin [27:44]: "Being touched out is a symptom of a larger problem, like not having enough support or space."

6. Unwanted Touch

   • Negative or non-consensual touch experiences can cause individuals to withdraw from physical interactions.
   • Zander Marin [30:37]: "Unwanted touch is a symptom of not communicating your boundaries and preferences effectively."

7. Associating Touch Solely with Sex

   • When touch is expected to lead directly to sexual activity, it creates pressure and can diminish the enjoyment of non-sexual physical interactions.
   • Vanessa Marin [31:10]: "If you feel like touch should lead to sex, you might start pulling away when you're not in the mood, leading to further disconnect."

Effects of Being Touch-Starved

• Emotional Disconnect: Lack of touch can create a sense of emotional distance and loneliness, even in happy relationships.
• Reduced Intimacy: Physical affection is a cornerstone of intimate connections; its absence can weaken the bond between partners.
• Increased Stress: Without the stress-relieving benefits of touch, individuals may experience higher levels of anxiety and tension.
• Lowered Desire: For those with a responsive sex drive, lack of touch can diminish sexual desire, creating a negative feedback loop.

Practical Strategies to Incorporate More Touch

1. Initiate Open Conversations

   • Vanessa Marin [38:16]: "Have a conversation about it using the episode as a discussion starter."
   • Encourage honest dialogue about the need for more or better touch without placing blame.

2. Set Intentions and Create Rituals

   • Establish daily or weekly rituals that incorporate physical touch, such as morning cuddles or evening hugs.
   • Zander Marin [39:09]: "Creating rituals ties touch to specific times, making it easier to remember."

3. Be Direct in Initiating Touch

   • Clearly express desires for non-sexual touch, such as asking for a hug or hand-holding.
   • Vanessa Marin [40:13]: "Use specific language like, 'I just want to cuddle right now,' to differentiate from sexual touch."

4. Maximize Efficiency with Simple Touches

   • Implement brief, intentional touches like a 30-second hug or a six-second kiss to release oxytocin and strengthen bonds.
   • Vanessa Marin [42:24]: "These short interactions require minimal time but offer significant emotional benefits."

5. Discover Each Other’s Preferred Touch

   • Explore and communicate about the types of touch that each partner enjoys to avoid misunderstandings and enhance satisfaction.
   • Zander Marin [44:15]: "Learn how your partner likes to be touched to ensure interactions are meaningful and comfortable."

6. Engage in Sensual Touch Challenges

   • Participate in structured challenges or programs designed to explore and expand the ways couples can connect physically.
   • Vanessa Marin [47:14]: "Their sensual touch challenge offers guided activities to explore different types of touch, enhancing intimacy."

Notable Quotes

• Vanessa Marin [00:00]: "If you're feeling touch-starved in your relationship, you're not alone. Let's talk about how we can fix this."

• Zander Marin [04:06]: "Touch is the shortcut to emotional connection and intimacy in general."

• Vanessa Marin [20:56]: "Just because you're not a naturally touchy person doesn't mean you don't need to work on it."

• Zander Marin [31:10]: "Breaking the pattern where touch only leads to sex is crucial for maintaining a healthy, intimate relationship."

Conclusion

Vanessa and Zander Marin emphasize that physical touch is not just a simple act but a fundamental aspect of emotional and relational well-being. By understanding the barriers that prevent touch, recognizing its profound benefits, and implementing practical strategies, couples can overcome touch starvation and strengthen their bonds. Whether through intentional rituals, open communication, or exploring preferred touch methods, reconnecting physically can lead to deeper intimacy and a more fulfilling partnership.

Join Vanessa and Zander next week for more insightful discussions and practical advice on nurturing your relationship.

Note: This summary excludes segments related to advertisements and sponsorships to focus solely on the core content of the episode.