David Wood (171:54)
I didn't want to get caught. But no, that's the thing. It's like, once you, like, what can you do to me? That's always. That's why I said it was better to never punish me than to punish me. Because once you punish me, always it was like, this is all you can do to me. So by that time it's, you know, I don't want to get caught. But what if you do? I was like repulsed by the idea of doing what everyone else did. And that meant like the whole pattern of life. Okay, so you start off and you got kindergarten, then you go through 12 years of school, and then you decide you go get a job or do you go to college? And then if you go to college and then you have your career and then you work for 30 or 40 years and then you retire and then you're old and you sit around. It's like, why do I want to do any of that? Why? Because you guys do. Because you guys have decided this is the pattern that you, the guys who come up with the rules that I'm supposed to follow. Then you come up with, like, the entire pattern of life that I'm supposed to follow. Why. Why wouldn't I just do whatever I feel like doing? And if you can do something in response, so what? It doesn't really matter. And so, yeah, turns out my dad survived. Turns out my dad survived. And so first they put me in a mental hospital. That's where they concluded that I had no idea what antisocial personality disorder was. When they eventually gave me my diagnosis, I just thought it meant I'm not very social. It's like, yeah, people are disgusting, right? Of course. That's not what they mean. That's not what they mean at all. So, yeah, so I end up in jail because antisocial personality disorder, that's not something you stay in a mental hospital for. That's something they lock you up for if you've done something. But it's not like being schizophrenic or something like that where they keep you in a mental hospital. Lots of tons of people in jail and prison have antisocial personality disorder. So I end up in. In a dorm. And in the dorm, there's a guy named Randy, and he was a Christian that I started talking to. And the first time I talked to him, he was up on his bunk reading his Bible. And I just walk up to him and I go, hey, you know why you're reading the Bible? You're reading the Bible because you're born in the United States. If you've been born anywhere else, you believe in something else. If you've been born in China, you'd be a Buddhist. If you'd been born in Saudi Arabia, you'd be a Muslim. If you'd been born, born in India, you be a Hindu. Because people like you believe whatever you're told to believe. So I was proud of the fact that I didn't go along with what everyone else was, which is weird because if you talked about, like, where the universe came from and where life came from, I believed exactly what, you know, what I'd heard in my science class and stuff like that. So I believed what I was taught, what I was taught to believe. But I thought I was this awesome free thinker. Anyway, then I started talking to Randy. It turns out he was in jail because he'd become a Christian. And he went in and turned himself in from. He'd been a criminal. He went in and turned himself in on 21 felonies and stuff like this. So they Locked him up and stuff. And anyway, then he's in there and he's reading his Bible and I started arguing with him, but it was weird because he started arguing back. I'd argue with Christians and lots of times Christians might argue, might push back slightly, but as soon as they see you're like really aggressive, they go, oh, we don't want to fight about this, we don't want to argue about this and stuff like this. It's not something you argue about. He was quite comfortable just arguing over and over again. And so we just kept arguing for, I guess, months about Christianity. And it was weird because I didn't know that there were people who actually had any reasons for believing anything. He kept winning some of these arguments and it was really weird to me. Keep in mind, I think I'm the smartest, most advanced human being in the world. And not just a Christian, but a Christian dumb enough to turn himself in for a bunch of crimes. Like dumbest of the dumb, he's beating me in arguments. And so all I can think of is he must be winning because he's just talking about stuff that I've never studied, I've never learned. And so all I would have to do is learn some of this stuff, learn some of this stuff, and then I can actually crush this dude. And we eventually got into this fasting battle, which wasn't a battle for him, he's just fasting. He's talking about, hey, you know, I can do long term fasting right now because I'm in jail and so I can do long term fasting and I might not have another opportunity to do long term fasting for the rest of my life. So I'm going to do long term fasting now. So I would fast not for fast, I would just do it to beat him, right? So he fasted for seven days. And I know because he gave me all his trays. He was nice. He gave me all his trays and stuff. And so I said, all right, I'm doing 10, right? So I went 10 days. First time I'd ever fasted in my life. I went 10 days, nothing but water. And then I ate for a weekend and I went another 10 days just to rub it in. It's just pure rage just to beat the Christian because I can't out argue about it. So we keep going back and forth. And he actually noticed over time he goes, hey, how come every time I fast you go like a couple days more? And I go, I don't know, just coincidence, I guess. When it wasn't a coincidence at all. Eventually he went 40 days. He went like 32 days on nothing but water. And then he started drinking Kool Aid to prepare his body for eating again because it actually messes you up. You go a long time and then all of a sudden you eat. You get messed up because your food goes right through your stomach and you're your intestine and stuff. And you were in horrible, horrible, awful pain. So he starts preparing his body for food again and he finishes and he told me, Jesus has gone 40 days. And so I said, all right, I'm going 42, I'm going to beat you and Jesus. So I start. And it was on the 11th day when I like totally passed out in front of a guard and hit my head. And then you had other people like reporting me and they looked at my mental health, right? They thought I was trying to starve myself to death. So I'm trying to beat the Christian, trying to beat the Christian. You guys think I'm trying to starve myself to death. I'm trying to commit suicide really, really slowly here, right? Like the dumbest way imaginable. Anyway, so they stick me in a cell with a camera cell and they think I'm trying to starve myself to death. So they're threatening me. And I started eating after that because I wanted to go back into the dorm. And then they wouldn't let me out of the cell. They kept me in the cell with the camera because I thought they're looking at my mental health record and stuff, saying something's wrong with this guy. And so they wouldn't let me out. So then I stopped eating again and stuff. Anyway, I went from about £235 down to the last time they weighed me. I was 152. I'm 6, 6 foot 3 was 152. And I know several days after that that I wasn't eating and stuff. So I'm guessing I got right around like 149, 150 or something like that, which would be a normal weight for someone. I've always been like the big 230, 235 pound guy. So. But I'm back there and I'm. I'm reading everything I can get my hands on. It's all kinds of stuff. I'm reading philosophy, I was reading dialogues of Plato, I was reading Epictetus, I was reading Marcus Aurelius and so on, and also reading the Bible, but I'm just reading the Bible, so I know what I'm Talking about when I go and argue with this guy and he had pointed out how the disciples died because I was accused. My theory that I gave him was they believed in Jesus. Their guy died. They wanted to keep the movement going, so they made up a story about him rising from the dead. Boom. I have solved the mystery of Christianity. And he was going, that doesn't make sense. These guys went to their bloody deaths being tortured and killed, and he gave me Fox's book of martyrs sitting there reading their deaths. Now, some of that stuff is wrong. It's based on later sources and stuff. But I actually, earlier, I think earlier this year, I did an interview with Sean McDowell. Yeah, earlier this year did an interview with Sean McDowell because some of that stuff is based on late sources and some of it's really solid. So I went through with Sean McDowell and yeah, we concluded some of the stuff in Fox's books, martyrs, is based on late sources you can't really trust, but you have a pretty solid case that a bunch of these guys died for their proclamation that Jesus had died on the cross and risen from the dead and appeared to them and so on. But anyway, I was just thinking about that. Why are these guys. My theory is that these guys made this up and died for it. That doesn't make any sense. Why would I try to think of one other person in history who died for something that he knew he made up? Like, lots of people die for things, but you kind of have to believe in it. You can't just be making it up, right? Like, so jihadis flying planes in the building. Okay, say what you want about the guy. I believe he believes what he's saying. That guy believes in Islam. If he's dying for Islam, he believes it. He's not just saying, oh, yeah, I'll just make up that I'm believing in Islam and then die for it. Doesn't make any sense. So I tried to think of one person in all of history who died for something that he knew he made up. I'm making up something I'm willing to die for. I couldn't think of anything. I couldn't think of anyone. I couldn't think of one person, like every person I could think of who was dying for something he believed in. You kind of have to believe in it. So it doesn't make sense that these guys made it up, that they're all conspiring to make up a story and then they're willing to die for it. So I was just trying to. I was trying to figure it out. Why would these guys die? Why would these guys die? Why would these guys die? Started not making sense. And basically it was like, three things that came together. I came up with a kind of design argument. I thought I was inventing it. I thought I was inventing this design argument. But I was just looking around at the brick. I was just looking at the bricks. I'm sitting on my bunk, and I'm looking at the bricks on the wall. And I just thought, like, if someone told me these bricks went into this order by some natural process, I would think, he's a freaking idiot. I would think, you'd have to be an idiot to say that. You would be the dumbest person in the world. I would smack you in your mouth for saying something stupid like that. But. But I believe life formed on its own. Like, life is way more complicated and sophisticated than the simplest living cell is vastly more sophisticated than some bricks stacked up on a wall. So it wasn't. Oh, no. Therefore, life couldn't have arisen by chance. It was more along the lines of, why did I accept that with no proof? And I just accepted it with what my teacher said. In other words, I was always repulsed by the idea of other inferior beings telling me what to believe. And all of a sudden, it's like, wait, these guys have been getting me all along. Like, they've been telling me what to believe about stuff all along. And I just bought into it because it was a. You know, was a teacher in some position of authority. I thought I was. I thought I was the one who was exempt from that stuff. And I was like, no, they got me on that. They got me on the universe and on life and stuff like that. So it wasn't. I concluded life must have been designed. It was. Now I'm doubting that position because no one ever gave me any evidence that life formed on its own. You just told me that was the case. And scientists agree with this. That's what happened. You never gave me any evidence. And so why did I believe that? And so started thinking about design. And maybe I jumped the gun on concluding that life formed on its own. And then the other one. The other thing that started bothering me was, like, I'd been holding to two beliefs that didn't go together at all for a long time. And one was, everything is completely pointless. It's ultimately, like, meaningless. That's why it doesn't matter what you do to me. Like, who cares? Oh, no, you're gonna go to, so what? It doesn't matter. None of this matters. Your Dog died. Who cares? Think back then, right? Oh, no, your dog died. Guess what? Every dog that was on the planet at that time is dead. So what, right? Everyone who remembered every dog that was alive on that planet a few years from now is gonna be dead. What's the point? It doesn't matter, right? So my view back then, you got this giant universe, you got like our little speck of the galaxy, and there's a little speck of the galaxy, there's like little piece of dust that's our sun. And then there's this little, even smaller pathetic piece of dust going around these little blobs of cells on there, thinking they're so important. How delusional are you? Nothing you do in the grand scheme of things matters even slightly. It doesn't. The universe is not changing at all based on anything you're doing. It's all pointless. So I held that. And yet I'm this sort of super important, greatest human being who's ever lived, and I set the rules the of, like, those don't go together. How am I the most important, most advanced human being in this completely meaningless, pointless world where nothing really matters and those don't go together? It's like, pick one. If it's all just pointless and meaningless, so am I. And I'm not important at all. And I'm not the greatest. What's the standard of me being the greatest? And by what standard? Doesn't make any sense. So, like, I gotta drop one of those. They don't go together. And it finally hit me. And at the same time, I'm reading about Jesus and I'm just thinking, okay, okay. In my worldview, there is no standard. So it makes no sense for me to think that I'm the greatest and the most important. It doesn't make any sense. If, however, that's wrong and there is a greatest and most advanced, like, what are the odds that I'm at if I don't even know what the standard is? How can I say I'm the highest thing on the standard? Like, what am I the standard? Why would I think that I'm the standard? And I just start, okay, if this guy who may have risen from the dead, what's more likely, that he's the standard and I'm the standard, or that he's greater or that I'm greater? And I'm thinking, what am I the greatest? And just thinking about all these things, and it finally hit me, right? It finally hit me like I'm a guy sitting on a bunk. I Can't stop drooling. Like, the not eating somehow just made me like, non stop drool. And it got to a point where I would just have a cup on the floor beside my bunk and I would just drool into it. Like, I got sick of spitting. I would just drool into a cup on side of the bed. I got a rash all over me called shingles. But not eating for a long time, your immune system depletes and it reactivates the chickenpox virus in you. And first it's around your waist, then it's under your arms and stuff. But it feels just like poison ivy. It's all over you and stuff like that. But I'm sitting there scratching myself, drooling into a cup. The doctor was telling me, hey, as soon as your blood reads such and such, we're gonna start tube feeding. We're gonna stick a tube in you, we're gonna make you eat. And my lawyer told me that the psychiatrist wanted to send me to Marion, which would have been my third mental hospital. And I'm sitting there thinking I'm a guy who's in here for trying to murder my dad with a hammer. Cause I think I'm so superior to everything else. I can't stop drooling, I'm scratching myself to death. I can't stand up without falling over and busting my head. I'm about to be sent permanently to a mental hospital where they're gonna be tube feeding me. How exactly am I the best person in the world? Just because I don't cry when something bad happens, right? So in a short period of time, I went from thinking that I'm the best person in the world to thinking I'm the most pathetic person in the world. And once you conclude, like, gosh, like, who's worse than? That's what I was actually thinking, like, who's worse than me in this world? Like, there are people who are starving. There are people who are starving. At least they can think straight. At least they're not drooling. Who's worse than me in the world? So I went to thinking that I'm the worst person in the world. And that put me in a little dilemma. Not the Islamic dilemma, but it put me in a little dilemma. And it was just this. It was either this is what I am, like, this is who I am. All the stuff I've been trying to purify myself, I'm in the pure state now. I've done it, I've done everything to get in this pure state. And this pure state is me on a bed, drooling with a rash all over me, heading to a mental hospital. That's like, what I am. Either that's what I am, because that's what I. Either, like what I am is this thing, this pathetic, disgusting excuse of a human being, or there's someone out there who can help with this sort of thing. Like, this is just the way I am and I need to get. And I'll just get used to it because this is the way I am, or there's someone who can fix this sort of thing. And when you start thinking like that, once you realize this is not me being more advanced than everyone else, I'm actually more screwed up than other people and I'm defective. I don't have some ability that everyone else lacks. I lack things that everyone else has and that makes me screwed up, not greater. Then it becomes, okay, this is either what I am or there's someone out there who can help with this sort of thing. When you start thinking like that, I think you're about that close to becoming a Christian. Because when you ask yourself, okay, who out of anyone else in history who had the ability to take screwed up, messed up people and do something with them, you basically get a list of one. It ain't Mohammed, it ain't Mohammed. You get a list of Jesus, that's it. Jesus is the one who took people like demon possessed, like lunatics and stuff like this. And hey, I can fix things for you. And so I have to say at that point, it was not, oh, man, I'm convinced of Christianity right now. It was, if I pray and nothing happens, so what? Like, if I pray and nothing changes and this is what I am, okay, so what? This is where I am. I'm not getting any worse. There's nothing I can say. There's nothing I can pray right now. And oh man, now I'm really bad off because I prayed and nothing happened. It was okay if I pray and nothing happens and I'm in the same spot, but if I pray and something changes, then okay, let's see what happens. And so I bowed down on my bunk and I prayed and I said, God, I don't know if I'm going to believe in you tomorrow, but I believe in you right now, and if you can do anything with me, you are welcome to it. And so I prayed that. And then I did like the prayer of accepting Jesus that I read in these Bible studies and so on that they sent me. And. And then I sat up and Everything looked different. Like, the world looked like it had all changed colors. And I've heard people saying, one, don't base your beliefs on feelings and stuff like that. I'm just saying this because this is what I felt like. So I'm just telling you my experience, but otherwise, don't base your beliefs and things and decisions on feelings. But I sat up, and I've heard people say they felt like a weight lifted off their backs and so on. I sat up, and the way I felt right when I sat up was I say, try to imagine if you're born and you were, like, tossed into a fighting pit and all you do is fight and you know of no other existence at all in your life except just constant, like, bloodbath fighting and stuff like that. And that's your entire life. That's all you've ever experienced. And then all of a sudden, it just stops.