Plain English with Derek Thompson
Episode: The Rules of Attraction and the Psychology of Romance
Release Date: May 20, 2025

In this insightful episode of Plain English with Derek Thompson, host Derek Thompson delves deep into the intricate world of romance and relationships. Joined by esteemed psychology professors Eli Finkel and Paul Eastwick, Thompson navigates through the decline of modern dating practices, misconceptions about attraction, the impact of online dating, and the evolving institution of marriage.

1. The Decline of Dating Among Young People

Derek Thompson opens the discussion by highlighting a worrying trend: the decline in coupling rates among young adults. He points out that while dating apps once revolutionized how people met their partners, their usage is now in recession.

Derek Thompson [01:45]: "But today, online dating is clearly in decline. Tinder downloads have been falling since 2020."

Thompson references psychologist Gene Twenge’s analysis, noting that the percentage of 12th graders who have dated has plummeted from about 85% in the 1980s to less than 50% in the early 2000s. This trend isn't confined to youth; adults across all age groups are increasingly marrying less and engaging in fewer stable relationships.

2. Misconceptions About Romance and the Soulmate Myth

The conversation shifts to prevalent myths surrounding romance, particularly the belief in soulmates. Paul Eastwick challenges the romantic notion that people are "meant to be" together, arguing that such beliefs can be detrimental when relationships face inevitable challenges.

Paul Eastwick [13:34]: "The idea that there are soulmates… is troubling and problematic. At a time when you're going to have difficulties, if you think relationships are about soulmates, you're setting yourself up for disappointment."

Eli Finkel further explores how cultural narratives, often portrayed in romantic comedies, set unrealistic expectations for relationships. He emphasizes that real-life relationships are more akin to a "sinusoidal" pattern of ups and downs rather than a linear hero's journey.

Eli Finkel [14:38]: "There's a lot of work in our field on love, including passionate love… it's about finding somebody who's an 8 or a 9 for us, who might not be an 8 for someone else. But when you're only looking at faces and swiping, you're in a world where the haves dominate over the have nots."

3. The Challenges of Studying Relationship Psychology

Eli Finkel and Paul Eastwick delve into the complexities of researching romance psychology. They discuss the difficulties of studying relationships due to the involvement of multiple individuals and the evolution of relationships over time.

Paul Eastwick [08:29]: "We're trying to figure out why is she going out with him but not with me. Now we've got three minds in the picture… add on top of that, we've got timelines to worry about."

They highlight methodologies like speed dating events to study attraction and compatibility, underlining the multifaceted nature of romantic connections.

4. Online vs. Offline Dating: Impacts on Modern Romance

The duo examines the profound effects of online dating on relationship formation. While acknowledging that online platforms expand the pool of potential partners, they caution against the superficial nature of initial interactions based predominantly on physical appearance.

Paul Eastwick [29:20]: "Online dating strips away the idiosyncratic things that are unique to the two of us. You're really in this world where the haves and the have nots, that difference in physical attractiveness is gonna be significantly exacerbated."

Eli Finkel adds that online dating introduces a higher rate of rejection and shifts the foundation of relationships from deep personal connections to surface-level judgments.

Eli Finkel [28:48]: "You're basing it almost exclusively on that really small subset of things where everybody has this sort of consensus…and you're neglecting all of those idiosyncratic things that are unique to the two of us."

5. Evolution of Marriage: From Pragmatic to Self-Expressive

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to understanding how marriage has transformed over the decades. Paul Eastwick outlines the transition from pragmatic, survival-based unions to modern marriages centered on personal fulfillment and self-expression.

Paul Eastwick [48:18]: "If we go back, marriage was literally about things like food, clothing, and shelter. Fast forward to the 1850s, urbanization changed everything…by the 1950s, marriage became about love and then shifted further into self-expression."

Eli Finkel concurs, suggesting that the rising expectations for marriage have both benefited and burdened modern relationships. While higher expectations can lead to deeper connections for some, they also set the stage for greater dissatisfaction when those lofty goals aren't met.

Eli Finkel [51:14]: "These new lofty expectations that we hold for marriage have actually coincided with many marriages just frankly being better than ever."

6. Sustaining Quality Relationships: Beyond Initial Attraction

The guests explore what truly sustains long-term relationships beyond the initial spark. They argue that while early chemistry might not predict lasting compatibility, factors like emotional stability, effective communication, and the creation of a shared micro-culture are crucial.

Paul Eastwick [43:36]: "It's about building something that is unique to the two of us. Pet names, certain rituals… a special culture for two."

Eli Finkel emphasizes that successful relationships often involve leveraging strengths and compensating for weaknesses, fostering a sense of partnership that extends beyond individual expectations.

Eli Finkel [41:43]: "The way we interact, develop specific words, rituals unique to the relationship… co-creating a culture that exists exclusively between us."

7. Practical Advice: Navigating Modern Dating and Relationships

The episode concludes with actionable advice for listeners facing challenges in the dating scene or within their current relationships.

For Those Struggling with Online Dating:

Paul Eastwick recommends reducing reliance on dating apps and focusing on expanding social networks through hobbies and new social interactions.

Paul Eastwick [55:05]: "Try to spend a little less time interacting with people via apps. Go out and just, like, hang out with people… meet somebody who then introduces them to someone else."

For Those in Challenging Relationships:

Paul advises couples to reassess their relationship by identifying and leveraging their strengths while addressing or minimizing their weaknesses.

Paul Eastwick [58:37]: "Think about what you're asking of the relationship and where your strengths can allow you to lean into those and minimize the weaknesses."

Eli Finkel adds that it's essential to recognize that a partner doesn't need to fulfill all personal expectations, advocating for a more balanced approach to relationship demands.

Eli Finkel [61:08]: "There's nothing problematic about the quality of the marriage. Figuring out where my partner can help me and vice versa…"

Conclusion

This episode of Plain English with Derek Thompson offers a comprehensive examination of modern romance, challenging widely held beliefs about love and relationships. Through the expertise of Eli Finkel and Paul Eastwick, listeners gain a deeper understanding of the psychological underpinnings of attraction, the pitfalls of online dating, and the evolving nature of marriage. The episode encourages a realistic yet hopeful perspective on building and sustaining meaningful relationships in today’s complex social landscape.

Notable Quotes:

• Derek Thompson [01:45]: "In the first 20 years of this century, dating app usage exploded, replacing almost every other way of meeting a boyfriend or girlfriend."

• Paul Eastwick [13:34]: "The assumption that there are soulmates is troubling and problematic."

• Eli Finkel [28:48]: "Online dating really strips a lot of that away… it's example of how people have traditionally looked for and found partners is no longer fully applicable."

• Paul Eastwick [48:18]: "Marriage was literally about things like food, clothing and shelter. Now it's about personal fulfillment and self-expression."

• Eli Finkel [41:43]: "Sustaining relationships is about building a shared culture and co-creating something unique together."

This episode serves as a valuable resource for anyone looking to understand the complexities of modern romance and seeking evidence-based strategies to enhance their personal relationships.