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podcasts Archives - Dana K. White: A Slob Comes Clean
479: Q&A – When Decluttering Feels Endless, Plus Stairs, Cards, and Kids’ Toys
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I’m answering your decluttering questions that were submitted at AskDanaKWhite.com Due to some kitchen updates, I had to empty out my kitchen cabinets. Since I got everything out of the cabinets, I feel like it’s a perfect time to declutter and reorgan...
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Hi everyone. Just letting you know that Take youe House Back is on sale through October 3rd. Take youe House Back is the online course that I teach with dawn from the Minimal mom and Cass from Clutterbug. We teach you everything you need to know to truly get your home under control. Learn more and grab the course while it's on sale at a slob comes clean.com take that's a slob comes clean.com slobber sl take welcome to A Slob Comes Clean the Podcast I am Dana K. White. I share my personal DES lobbification process as I figure out ways to keep my own home under control. I share the truth about cleaning and organizing strategies that actually work in real life for real people. People who don't love cleaning and organizing. Thanks for joining me today. This is podcast number 479 and I I'm doing another Q A because that's just what I can do right now as I have on some deadlines and things but trying to get these done so I'll be able to completely focus on getting this next book done. But anyway, here we go. Background Story we had our dishwasher stop working recently and ordered a new one. When the installers came to deliver it, we found some fresh mouse droppings behind the old dishwasher. Asking with a big old hole on the wall. I know sometimes people write things and I don't think it's what they meant, but anyway, I discovered I was devastated as I am a clean freak. Never saw any signs. I didn't even want to walk into the kitchen after knowing we still didn't see any come out after the traps were laid out. The exterminator came, wanted to spray for all bugs. Okay, so actually this is the point. But anyway, we all relate, right? Like the only people who have never seen mouse poop in their house are the ones who are lying. Because it happens. It happens, right? Especially if you live in the country. So the exterminator wanted to spray for all bugs since he's already here. So he instructed me to empty all the kitchen cabinets and restroom cabinets. Question Since I got everything out of the cabinets, I feel like it's a perfect time to declutter and reorganize. But my husband thinks it's ridiculous to minimize the number of cups and items we own. How should I tackle this whole kitchen? I originally planned on taking January and February to do kitchen in smaller sections. Now I have to get it all done in a weekend because of something unexpected expected. So there are then some statements about husband, which I will not read because I feel like there are also statements about the vast majority of people who are listening and me, right? Like, you know, he's so sentimental. He's holds on to everything that's me, right? Like I'm that person. So let's talk about this from my perspective. I've been loving adding Live It Up Super Greens to my morning smoothies. So even when my days don't go as I planned them, I know that I've already had my super greens and they actually taste really good. 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Head to letsliveitup.com sloB and use code SLoB for 15% off your first order. These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Okay, so because yes, it's a great time. I mean, you know, I never recommend that you pull everything out, but sometimes you have to and so why not take advantage of it? The way to go about it is the same way you would do if you were decluttering, which means as you were looking at everything that is pulled out, look for the trash before you put anything back in. Just look for the trash. Get that out of there. Look for anything that is easy. Oh, this doesn't actually belong in this cabinet. It belongs somewhere else. Go take that there. Now, is there, are there any obvious donations? Okay, so here, here's, here's what I'm hearing in the part that I didn't read is he shouldn't want this. He shouldn't want that. He's highly sentimental about these things. If that is a part of your conversation, you shouldn't want this, you shouldn't want that. There's no reason for you to keep this thing that is a factor in the resistance. Okay, so involve him if you want, or however this works in your relationship is fine. Right? Like, everybody knows how their relationships work. Involve him and just say, hey, do you see any trash here? Before we put this up, is there any trash that we could get rid of? Is there anything that actually belongs somewhere else? The easy stuff. Go to a slobchemsclean.com 5f I V E to get a copy of the five steps and set that in front of you while you're going through this process. Because if something belongs somewhere else or if something is trash, it doesn't need to go back in there anyway. And if you get those out, it just starts the movement of the decluttering and it starts to clarify what you actually have to deal with as you continue going, okay, so look at, go through that and then say, is there, are there any things here? Is there anything here that is obvious to you to declutter? And it's possible that he might be wanting to declutter something of yours. Maybe you need to let that go. Maybe that's a way to demonstrate that you know what, we can not be attached to things. But avoid the argument, avoid the criticism of what is important to him, because that just never goes well. And next, go with, you know, like, if the only things that are left are things that would actually go in this cabinet, you can skip to the next one. But if not, if there's anything here that's random, that you're like, well, we had kept it in this cabinet, but realistically, this needs to be decluttered. And where would you look for this first? Okay, take his word for it. If it's something he cares about, if it's something for you, follow these things for yourself too. Because sometimes it's so, so easy to see, why does he have this? But then he might be seeing that you're not getting rid of the fancy teacups from such and such time in your life that you never, ever, ever use. So he may be seeing things that you are not getting rid of. So you need to go through this process for yourself on your own things and for. With him on his things, and take his word for it. But when it comes down to it, the things that you're going to put back into this space after you've Gotten rid of all the excess, it's going to be a lot easier to see and understand and know what to do with these things. But as you put them back, use the container concept is how you do that. So step five of the process is implementing the container concept. The first thing that you do is put like items together. So put your teacups all together, put the coffee mugs all together, put the plates all together, put those things together so that you get a actual. First of all, it makes you touch every last thing. And then when you touch every last thing, trash, easy stuff and obvious donations reveal themselves right as, oh, actually, I can't stand this thing. So you go through that process of consolidating, put like items together and then you put your favorite items back in there first. Until it's functional. Okay, until it's functional. So if things are really important to him, then it deserves space in there too. But I would go through the process and remove the critical language and focus on what you can do and what you can declutter. That's your stuff. And let the space be better for having decluttered your own things that were important to you. Let him experience how much easier it is to live in a space with less stuff, how much easier it is to get something out of the kitchen cabinet when there's just flat out less stuff in there. And that over time may change his perspective on stuff too. But I would say really stick to the process even though it feels like, oh, I've skipped the process because everything came out of this space. Go ahead and go through the process and the putting back of things into the space. Next question. I've decluttered a ton. I am pretty happy with how far I've gone, but I can't help feeling that I could go further. Even though I have plenty of space for the things that I have, it just feels ridiculous to me that as a single person I can fill up a 2,500 square foot house. On the other hand, I don't want my house to become bare either. I love and use most of the things that I have left and have made it a point to rotate through items, clothing, dishes, et cetera, to make sure nothing gets forgotten. Any thoughts on this? It just seems strange to me that I haven't gotten over the declutter bug after cutting as deeply as I have. Okay, couple things here. Clutter threshold. What can you handle if you are able to rotate things through and that's something you can handle and it doesn't. It's not an idea that, oh, if I could just rotate things through. And then when you actually go to do it, you end up causing, you know, things to be out of control for a month and a half because of the process of rotating things through. Like, if that is the case for you, like you're actually able to do that, then that means you're able within your clutter threshold to do that. So it is okay to continue decluttering until you feel completely comfortable in your home. But it's also okay if your home is functional the way it is now. You've got space for things, you're under your clutter threshold. If you're finding yourself, like, you just kind of got used to decluttering and now you're like, what do I do with my time? Go back and think about why did I want to declutter? What was it that I wasn't able to do because of the clutter. And do that thing. Focus on doing that thing, using the space in the way that you couldn't use it because of all the clutter. If you wanted to do crafty things, if you wanted to host a coffee morning with some friends, if you wanted to invite your neighbors over for dinner, whatever it was that you couldn't do because of the clutter, really put your time and energy into doing that thing, because it may be that you need a shift in the decluttering momentum into something else. And that's the thing to do. And you'll start to enjoy your home and enjoy the benefits of having decluttered. My family of seven lives in a two story home. All of our bedrooms are located upstairs. And it's a constant struggle to have the kids take laundry, toys, and personal items upstairs. I feel like I'm constantly telling them to do it. Sometimes I put things on the stairs to the side, but they will walk past it a million times and not grab it. Plus, it's not safe to leave items on the stairs. Do you have any suggestions for making this process easier? They all have daily chores, but this seems to be my biggest issue. Would implementing the five minute pickup help? And then she says, I think I know the answer. Yes. She answered her own question. The five minute pickup is the answer to this question. I do have to say, have y' all seen the Instagram reel where, because every single one of my kids have sent it to me, where there's stuff all over the stairs and this real athletic looking guy is like, kind of like, you know, like getting warmed up and like stretching and stuff, and he's like, it's so fun how my mom always gives me this challenge for getting up the stairs and he's like going up the stairs and skipping past all these things. Again, dangerous, right? As she pointed out. But it just makes me laugh because the fact is, putting stuff on the stairs, every mother does it. And I doubt it works for almost anybody. There might be two people in this world that it works for, but the common statement is that it doesn't work. Like, kids ignore it. They can just ignore it. So the five minute pickup is the answer. It just is because it will eliminate so many of these frustrations. We have a five minute pickup. This is when everybody takes their stuff upstairs so it actually happens and it keeps it from being this constant nagging and frustrating thing. But not because I'm saying, you know, not because I'm criticizing. I'm saying because you don't want to nag. You're asking this question because you don't want to be constantly saying it. Well, the way to do that is the five minute pickup. Because after the five minute pickup, the stuff is up. Also before the five minute pickup, you know the five minute pickup is coming right now. I do recommend that you don't set it for a certain time of day. Instead you say, okay, this is make it's time for a five minute pickup. This is making me bananas. It's time for a five minute pickup. That's the way to do it. Instead of saying we're going to do a five minute pickup at such and such time because then that's not going to actually happen. I mean, maybe it does, but for us it's never did. 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A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences, matching you with a therapist. That's a good fit right from the start. If you aren't happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist at any time. So when I feel stressed from having too many things going on at once, it is so helpful to me to talk through that stress with my therapist. She sees my situation objectively. And she offers real tools to help me prioritize this world Mental Health Day we're celebrating the therapists who've helped millions of people take a step forward. If you're ready to find the right therapist for you, BetterHelp can help you start that journey. Our listeners get 10% off their first month@betterhelp.com Click clean. That's betterhelp.com clean. I don't. Next question. I don't know what to do with greeting cards I get from my husband and children. I feel guilty about throwing them out, but realistically, they have no home. Please help. So we determine the home for something. We don't have to analyze whether or not we should want it, whether or not it is valuable. That's not part of the process. Instead, I say, if I needed and greeting card from a prior time, right from my husband or children, where would I look for it first? For me, it's in my underwear drawer. That's just where I look. So that's where they go. Now. I don't keep every single last one. Why? Because I need my underwear and my underwear drawer. And so I can't keep all of them. But because I can't keep all of them because the space is defined and limited, then that helps me naturally sort out. This is a really great card. This is one I want to keep because it was when the kids were just learning to sign their names. Oh, wow. This is when this one got really good at cursive. Oh. This is one that is like kind of their official signature, but so it sorts out which ones are the ones that I want to keep according to the realities of the actual space, and the space is determined according to where I would look for it first. Next question. I am a borderline hoarder. I've been watching you a while now and I've learned so much. Thank you. My biggest struggle is dishes. I wash them as I need them. I'm not quite sure what this means. Anyway, I know what you're saying about dishes. Math is true. Yet I have not been able to do all my dishes. I physically am not able to stand or even sit the required hours it would take to get them done. Help. Yeah. I think this is a legitimate challenge. Right. Like, this is actually a challenge. The physically not able to stand or sit the required hours to get them done. Here's what I would do. Do as many as you can and be glad. Good. With as many as you can in the amount of time that you physically can stand there and do them. So I don't mean and then it's over. I mean, like, okay, if you can do five minutes here in the morning, or you can do. I'm not sure how many minutes, and I'm just going to do it until I need to sit down, do that, and then make that the focus for a couple days. Like, every time you have the energy to do two or three dishes, do those. Now, if you are. You did state at the beginning that you called yourself a borderline hoarder. So it's possible that dishes are very, very out of control. You can also throw dishes away. That is not what I want to say. That's. Some of y' all are probably like, I can't believe she would say that. But the reality is, this is your situation. You need to not be so stressed out by these dishes. Technically, a lot of these dishes probably could be washed and salvaged, right? And yet you have to do what you have to do to get this under control. So could you throw away a few and do a few, and then the next day do a few. And if you can do more, great. If you can't do what you can and throw away a few more, and maybe over time, you go, you know what? This is worth it to me. And I know, I know, but what's not? I mean, everything's an option, right? It's your house. But what turns into an excuse versus a challenge? Like, it is a legitimate challenge that you cannot stand that long, but what turns into an excuse is just to let the dishes stay dirty and just sit there. So get rid of those. And. And then. And then keep in mind what I do when I go to my Airbnb, okay? Like, when I go away to write for a couple days at my Airbnb, my goal is to use one coffee mug and one spoon for every single thing that I eat. Now, I'm not saying you have to do this, but the reason I do that is not that I don't have the stamina, but I don't have the time. I don't have. I don't want to be spending any brain power thinking about dishes, doing dishes, managing dishes. And if I will just eat, drink, have soup, have ice cream, have anything. Cereal out of that one coffee cup, then I know for a fact that I will never have more dishes than I can handle. It's a fact. It's not possible because I'm only using the one. I only ever have to wash one dish. What. What I would do is go ahead and pick the plate the fork, the coffee cup, the glass, whatever, you know, like the bowl. I would pick the one of each item that you like best that you can see. Wash those. If you can only do one plate today, great. But say, I am only going to use these dishes. And so the first dish that I'm going to do with the energy that I have is this one dish that I'm using. That's it. That's all I'm going to do. And I'm going to then wash other things and stick them in the donate box to get rid of them, because I need to have less dishes. Because having more dishes is the thing that allows dishes to get out of control. And then getting. As you start, really zero in on those single items that you are using, it will make you feel less and less overwhelmed. You'll be able to just be like, okay, you know, for three days in a row, I just used a plate and my coffee mug, so those are the only things that I need to wash. And then it will motivate you to be like, you know what? I am going to throw away these dishes. I could not believe that when she said that on our podcast. I. But I'm going to do it because they're not doing anybody any good right now anyway, and I need them out of my house, because if they're out of my house, then I'm actually making real progress. So if you can wash it and stick it in the donate box, great. You can't. But the thing I would. If you can't, throw it in the trash. But the thing I would really encourage you to do is to pick one of each item just as like. And don't get fancy on how many items. Like one plate, one bowl, one cup, one coffee cup, one fork, one spoon, one knife. And just make that your set of dishes. And that will keep you from ever getting behind on dishes, and it will keep you in a place where you only have a manageable amount of dishes to do. Okay, next question. Dana. I need more walking space in my apartment so I can use my canes walker. And in case I need a wheelchair, my health issues make decluttering hard. Even so, I started decluttering the dining room. And behind my living room chair, I got rid of four kitchen garbage bags full of papers I shredded and other trash. Awesome. That's amazing. I have two other bags ready for donation. Pickup in two days. Yay. Progress. But the items I am keeping are on the dining table because I can't get into the spare room where I'd look For them first. Too much clutter in there. Should I have started with the room I knew I would look in first for those things? The spare room door is always shut, so it's not a visible space. You did great. We don't do shoulds. Right. So what you should do at this point is, is declutter the dining room table. Okay. And I would go ahead and just real quickly, even though you're like, no, there can't be, I would still look for trash, easy stuff and obvious donations there. But then as you pick it up and you say, if I needed this item, where would I look for it first? If the answer is the spare room, walk to the spare room or roll to the spare room or however you need to get there, go there. And if it is completely a disaster, there is for sure trash and obvious donations in there because tons of stuff is going to have to leave your house in order for that space to be usable. Right. So you may not be able to get to the dresser drawer or the container where you would put this item, but get as close as you can. So go into the room as much as you can and remove something that is at least as big as the item that you're putting in there. So you're not going to make this work room get worse and worse and worse. Okay. Which is what caused it to get to the state in the first place. Right? You just kept putting things in there and putting things in there. So you now know this whole, like, where would I look for it first? But you're going to put something in this room and you're going to remove something, trash or an obvious donation that is at least as big as this item that I'm putting in there so that I'm not leaving this room worse off. And my trash and my donate box are back in the space. I was back at the dining table, right? Because I'm decluttering here. So I'm going to take those back, put those in the trash or the donate box, and then my whole house has moved a little bit forward. A little bit forward. Okay? So that's how you're going to actually clear space, because that's what you're wanting to do. You need walking space, you need space with nothing in it. And so things have to leave the house. And that's how you go about doing that. Good job on all the work you've done. 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When in my area there is no place to donate to? I've searched countless times and asked many people. Second, how do you. Okay, so first question there. You start throwing things away. Now, I know I'm about to answer the rest of your question, which means this is going to be extra hard for you. Okay? But. But yeah, if there. If you have literally looked, if you have actually asked, and there are no places for donations, that's what you're going to have to do. You also might. I mean, you know, if somebody follows me, I have to assume you have some sort of social media. Ask on social media if anybody wants this stuff. Try to give it away that way. Or, you know, put a. Put a sign on it out in the yard that says free. But then there's more to the story because we go on with the second question. How do you deal with people in your home shaming you from decluttering? My husband works from home and basically sees everything I do during the day. He stumbles over me while I declutter something from my own stuff and gets mad at me for throwing away good stuff. So it just sounds like there's a lot here. Right? I'm going to give you two things. First of all, it is possible that you need to speak with a therapist because there may be a lot of history here and relational things that a therapist could help you with in a way that I can't. Okay. Because anything I say, I have got, you know, like basically a hundred words at the most that I'm looking at. And that's the Only context I have here, I don't know. So you very well may need to speak with a therapist about this. The other thing I will say, though, is focus on obvious trash. Okay? And I, I don't mean like, because it's possible that you've already done that and that you really are down to only because you talked specifically about a. A puzzle that he didn't think you should get rid of. And then also, you know, just all these, you know, lot lots of interpersonal things here. It's possible that you have already gotten rid of the trash, that you've already put easy things, that you. That do have an established. And that just trash and easy stuff is going to make a space so much better. Right? It's possible that you've already done that. But so many times when I'm having these conversations with people, they haven't actually done that yet, and they are starting with picking up a random item and deciding to get rid of it instead. Do the trash. Even the trash that, that he would know is trash, right? Because a lot of times what happens is there's not a lot of faith that somebody has in your ability to declutter because they're seeing you skip all these obvious, obvious things for this one item. Right? And I'm not saying that's what happened. What's happening here. That's why I said you probably need to talk to a therapist. But I'm just saying, like, really zero in on. Am I following the process? Because if there's obvious trash and I start to get rid of that obvious trash, I will improve the home. And I also might build some of my decluttering credibility, right? Because a lot of times I think it comes down to. And that that is one of the relationship struggles, right? Is that when you're in a relationship where you see every single thing and you know all of the history, it's hard to, like, let people change. And you're wanting to change and you're wanting to do something differently. So that's part of the struggle that you might need to talk about with a therapist. Because I'm not a mental health professional. We all know that, right? But yeah, I would go with the obvious, obvious trash because I do think that happens a lot when people get frustrated. They're like, why are you obsessing over this when there's all this obvious stuff that should go. So go with the obvious stuff first. I love your. Oh, this one is not a question. This is just one that you, Y' all know I'm gonna read it and you'll know why as soon as I do. I love your Take It There Now. I have lupus and pmr, so I have high pain and low energy. Your Take it There now allows me to do something without making the situation worse. It only gets better if that's the only one task that gets done. Thank you. So all of you who have been listening to my podcast forever and are like, I can't take it there now because of the chronic struggles. Right. And the pain and the low energy. I hear from people all the time who tell me this is the method that works because I have pain, because I have low energy, because it allows me to make real, actual progress and never put myself in a worse situation. So I'm just, I'm just quoting. I'm just saying it's right here. Okay. All right, next, how do you deal with toy clutter? My daughter is three years old and toys that deserves shelf space change every day. How do I or we choose what to keep. I can't give away a toy just because my 3 year old decided she didn't like it that day. Here's the good news. You asked this question quite a while ago, so she's not three anymore. So here's the thing. Kids play in the space more happily than with any specific toy, right? Like, the number one thing I realized that was a big regret for me, honestly, because I didn't realize it until my kids were way past this age was that what they really needed was play space, that they were always more satisfied when they had room and space, space to play as opposed to specific or more things to play with. Okay. So I don't think it comes down to I don't know what she's going to like in the future. It generally will come down to she'll like having space to play. Because anytime that I think that the way I'm going to have, what I'm going to have to do to be able to declutter is predicted the future, then that's never going to work because it's not possible to predict the future. Right? And, and she might ask about a toy that you got rid of, but you pick the best that you know how the, the best that you know in that moment or you, you get rid of the most obvious things, the most. Well, she definitely only rarely ever plays with this. So this can for sure go. Instead of thinking, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know what she's going to want to play with instead. Don't Start with the, I don't know. Go. What is the least favorite here? She might occasionally play with it, and yet it's not very often. So we're going to go ahead and get rid of that because she is going to be happier to have actual space and function in a place to play. I hope that's helpful, because that's what they want. They want space to play. They may not know that, but that is. That is consistently. Kids get excited about having play space, you know, and it's tough because you look at stuff and. And it all does seem exciting when you actually hold it in your hand. But also, you'll be okay, right? Kind of. Same way we will. What I would do, honestly, is declutter some of your own stuff first. Like, go through your. Go through those visible areas. Go through the kitchen. Get rid of some things because you have to blame the space. Get rid of some things that you're like, no, I might want this in the future. Go through that experience that you can live through it and that you're going to be okay, and that you actually prefer the function of the space over having had all the different things. And that will change your perspective on this situation with your daughter. But I know so many times your brain, when you think about decluttering, goes immediately to the most difficult thing. Don't start with that. Start with something else that's easy. Experience the power of decluttering, and it will change the hard. What the hard situation looks like to you, too. Okay, I hope this was helpful, and I will talk to y' all next week. All right, bye. Hi, everyone. 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