← podcasts Archives - Dana K. White: A Slob Comes Clean
podcasts Archives - Dana K. White: A Slob Comes Clean
482: Scary Clutter Problems – Solved
00:37:19
I remember being scared that I’d never figure out how to get my house under control! I was petrified of someone ringing my doorbell without warning! This week, I’m sharing some common fears around decluttering and how to remove those fears!
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Welcome to A Slob Comes Clean, the podcast. I am Dana K. White. I share my personal DES lobbification process as I figure out ways to keep my own home under control. I share the truth about cleaning and organizing strategies that actually work in real life for real people. People who don't love cleaning and organizing. Thanks for joining me today. This is podcast number 482 and I think I'm going to call it Scary Clean Clutter Problems solved. It is October 30th when this is going to come out, and you know, it just hit me when I was trying to think of what am I going to record my podcast about this week? I was like, oh, that sounds like a fun thing. So anyway, I'm not going to actually talk about anything really scary, but if you are anything like me and you are at a point in your clutter journey where I was at one point where I just felt completely overwhelmed and bewildered by it all. It was scary to me. Like, it was. It was scary to think that I might never get it figured out. It was scary because I had tried so many times. I think that's one of the biggest misconceptions that naturally organized people have about those of us who struggle, is that we're not trying like that it's a matter of understanding that it's an. That it's important, that it's a matter of convincing us to care, that it's a matter of cheering us up to the point where we have the energy to go tackle it. The thing that a lot of people don't understand when they look at someone's messy home is that that person me. This was me in the day. We're trying. We have tried so many different methods, tricks, things that we've heard over the years. I. I was doing what I thought other people were doing whose homes were under control when my house was a complete disaster. I was working on it. I honestly worked so much harder on my house before than I do now. And my house stays pretty much under control. It's not perfect because it's still me. My natural default is messiness. But it stays under control for the most part. And when it gets out of control, it's very simple and quick and easy for me to get it back under control. If you're new here, decluttering that, that's what did this, right? Like, I'm not giving you some, like, let me give you the big trick. There's no trick. It really was just the decluttering that was what was so scary to me. It was scary to me to think, I've tried this, I've tried that. I have done what I think they are telling me to do when I read books and I see shows and all these things that, what, you know, my very well meaning friend says here, do this, do that. And I think I'm doing it and it's not making a difference. And it was very scary to me to feel like there wasn't hope for me and to think I may never figure this out. I have very clear memories of thinking I think there's something actually wrong with me. A moment when my oldest son, who's now about to be 24, was a very small baby. Like he was not responsible for the mess in his room and his room was messy and I went, okay, this is the time in my life where I thought I was going to get it all figured out. I have been trying and his room is a disaster and it's my fault. And I, that was this moment. Like I, I, I go back to that room in my brain and I can picture what the light was like. I can picture where the window in his room was. And I think about how I felt in that moment where I realized, oh, I, I've been trying and I still can't do this. I think there's something wrong with me. So that, that's scary, right? Like, that was very scary. It also is very scary to think about what would be required if I ever did figure it out. Because I had put so much effort into my home with so little to show for it and constant frustration, it constantly being a disaster, that I was scared to think of what it actually would require because I was like, if all of this time and effort and focus is not actually making an impact, I couldn't even imagine what would make an impact. Right? Like, because it just seemed the logical assumption is that effort is the issue. And so when I thought that effort was the issue and I knew I was putting in a lot of effort to think of, well, if that wasn't enough, how much is it going to require? That was mind blowing to me. It was incredibly scary to me.
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This is dishes math. This dishes math is such an example of what I'm talking about here when I. What I mean when I say dishes. Math is dishes. Don't follow what seems like logical math. Okay? I assumed that it had to take at least an hour. At least an hour to do dishes every day, because mathematically that was how I had worked it out in my brain, not in reality in my brain. Right. I. I would put off doing the dishes because I felt like I didn't have enough time to do the dishes. And so after five days, when I would tackle the. The dishes, it would take me five hours to do all of this work in the kitchen, to excavate my kitchen. And because it took five hours, after five days, it made mathematical, logical sense to me that one day's worth of dishes obviously would take an hour, but that's not true. One day's worth of dishes only takes 15, 20 minutes, which I did not believe, and I would not have believed if someone told me. So I understand if you're like, no, it doesn't. One day's worth of dishes takes 15 to 20 minutes. If it's only one day's worth of dishes, when it's two days worth of dishes, it takes like, an hour because I can't fit it all into one dishwasher or one sink load. It can't all dry on my drying rack if I'm hand washing, like, that requires more time because there's more stuff. And three days is back to your, you know, five hours. And so this thinking of it that way, going with that logic of, like, I know the effort that I'm putting in when I do the math, I then, you know, it makes it scarier when I realized, oh, one day's worth of dishes is 15 to 20 minutes. And it never gets overwhelming, and I'm never spending five hours on my kitchen. I realized, oh, it's not as scary as I thought. When I was putting so much time and effort into my house and trying to just. I just felt like I was constantly having to deal with things and move things and. And clean things, and it never looked any better. And all this. And I'm like, I am putting so much time and effort in. It's because I had too much stuff. I would have to move a bunch of things to then clean, and then those things still existed in my house, either in a different spot or back into the same space that I just cleaned in. My house didn't actually look better. And so I was like, all this time and effort I'm putting in, and this is not doing it. I'm so scared to think of what it's going to take. Right. So those are some of the things that we're scared of. Right. Like, we're also scared of just, you know, the solution there was decluttering. Once those things were gone from my house, then cleaning was a very quick job because I didn't have to move a bunch of stuff first to do it. Once all those things were gone from my house, I didn't have to move them and rearrange them and put them away because they just didn't exist. And it shrank that time so much. And I was like, oh, that's why this doesn't seem to be so hard for other people in the way that it's hard for me. It's because I simply had too much stuff. Right. I was gonna say something else and I probably started to say it and then I stopped saying it, and now my brain has gone somewhere else. So what? Oh. Oh, yes. Scary. It can be very scary to think of all the things I'm going to have to deal with, all the emotional items that I'm going to deal with at some point. I am very scared of, you know, the backlash from family members who are going to find out that I got rid of something that was theirs. I'm scared of what will happen if I get rid of something and then need it in the future. All of these things are very real, normal fears around decluttering. I am here to tell you, if this is the first time you've listened to my podcast, that the no mess decluttering process works through all of those fears. It does not mean that you're never going to experience something negative, that you're never going to have somebody be irritated that you decluttered something, but it is going to give you very specific and confident reasoning for why this thing can't be in your home and whether or not that person understands that reasoning. You can't control that, but you can be confident in that reasoning and therefore be less scared. The fear of needing something in the future, you absolutely might need it in the future, but when you have a real concrete way of thinking about your space and your stuff and giving priority space to the things that deserve it the most, then you're able to face this potential time in the future when you might have to replace something with a different mindset of, you know what, yes, I might have to replace it, but I don't need to be scared of Replacing it. Because I'm going to be able to view that so differently than I view it now, because I'm going to experience this space being functional and usable and enjoyable between now and then, and it will be worth it to me to replace it. So it's. It's different anyway. So the no mess decluttering process removes so much of the fear around it in ways that are sometimes hard to really know ahead of time. It's going to remove that fear. But following the process, for any item that you think, I'll never know what to do with that. Okay, I'm going to follow the process. Going to ask myself, where would I look for it first? It can be a figurine of a clown. And I am petrified of clowns. They give me nightmares. Right? Not me, but I'm just saying, hypothetically. Okay? But I also know that this was the clown that belonged to my grandfather and he was a clown, and that is a huge part of family history and blah, blah, blah, and yada yada, yada, right? So I am going to Holt, pick up this clown figurine and I'm going to ask myself the question because I have a concrete, real way to deal with this thing. Instead of just thinking, I need to declutter that clown. I can't declutter that clown, but I hate clowns and they scare me, but what will my mother say? And blah, blah, okay, instead I'm going to pick up the clown and the fact that it scares me gets to be factored into all of this. Like, I can be really dreading looking at this clown. And that is valid and impacts all of this. But I'm going to go through the process. I'm not going to say I shouldn't be scared of clowns. I'm just going to pick it up and I'm going to say, if I needed a clown figurine that scares me but is a family heirloom, where would I look for it first if I don't have a place to go looking for it? If I. If my first reaction is in some other relative's house, then I can send out a text with a picture of the clown. Maybe make it kind of scary looking. Right? Use portrait mode or something. I'm going to send this text out to family members. I'm going to say, I can't have this in my house because it scares me. Any of you want it, because otherwise I'm going to donate it. Because I can say I would not go looking for this in my house because I. I'm scared of clowns. I can do that. And I've got actual language. Say I have real. I am trying to declutter my house. I have realized in the decluttering process that I would never go looking for this clown because I am scared of clowns. And so it is not a family heirloom that I am willing to give space in my home. So if anybody wants it, you better come get it because otherwise it's being donated. There's something about having a very concrete logic, real way. And I know logic can get out of control when I'm just. But when I'm using actual, like, concrete space stuff, instinct, what I go looking for it, all of that. It gives me that confidence to deal with the scary thing, right? Okay. So there is a solution for every single item, no matter what it is. If you think to yourself or to me in an email, if you think to yourself, oh, this thing, the process wouldn't apply. I hear from people all the time who are like, the process is great, I get it, I get it. But what about sentimental stuff? Don't you have to do something different for that? No, it's even more important to go through the process for that sentimental item. No, of course, that item's probably not trash or an obvious donation or an easy thing that you totally already know what to do with, but you are going to ask those two questions. If I needed this item, where would I look for it first, if you don't have an answer for that, then ask, if I needed this item, would it occur to me that I already had one? Would I ever go looking for it? Ask those questions. And if you have a place where you would look for it, take it there now. Face the reality of that space for this cinema sentimental item. This is a patch that was on my grandfather's uniform for the job that he worked at for 57 years, right? That all of our family stories are based around this job, okay? So I take it there now. And seeing what this space is like, if there's room for it, then I'm just done at that point. If there's not room for it, then I say, what am I willing to get rid of in order to make room for it? Because if it really is important to me and not just this arbitrarily thing of, oh, well, I, you know, I have to keep it. No, I have to give it a space if my home is going to be under control. And so if I give it this space space, and I say, okay, what am I willing to get rid of, then generally I can find something that is not as important to me as this patch, right? And so that thing leaves and my whole house moves forward. So there really truly are solutions. And that solution is the no mess Decluttering process. If you don't have a copy of that printed out process, you can go to a slab chem clean.com 5F I V E. I try to put that link in every single thing I ever do online. It should be in the show notes here for you to get a copy of that five step process. And when you sign up for my newsletter, you get it for free when you sign up for the free newsletter. But also know that decluttering at the speed of life is what you need. That's my book. Okay. A slob comes clean.com book or just look up Dana K. White at your local library, at the bookstore, whatever. Find decluttering at the speed of life. Because reading that book is going to bring it all together and it's going to make you realize, okay, now I know exactly what to do, how to do it, and I've seen it applied to so many different things in this book so available wherever books are sold. Decluttering at the speed of life, not light. But also know it is at most local libraries. If your library doesn't have it, you can always request request it. And usually you'll be the first one to get it if you're the first one who's requested it and it's available in ebook form and paperbacks and audiobook with me reading it and all that kind of stuff. So. So my point is use the process. Wrestle your problem into the process. Really dive in with that question on whatever it is, where would I look for it first and then go through that process of taking it there now and removing something else or deciding actually it's not as important to me as I thought because I'm not willing to get rid of something else in order to make the space for it. Go through that process. Wrestle your problem into the process. The best way to learn something is to go to the experts. That's why I was so excited to sign up for classes on masterclass. Whatever you want to learn, there is a mentor who will walk you through. 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Okay, scary things. Here's a scary thing. Doorbells. I used to be petrified of unexpected doorbells. They were very scary to me. The thought of someone surprising me showing up at my house, which I also like to be the kind of person who people would show up at my house. Not y', all, I mean no offense, but like people in my life stopping by, like, I love that idea. And yet I was petrified of it because my house was a disaster and it was embarrassing and I needed ton. I needed two weeks warning for people to come over. And so I was scared when the doorbell rang of oh no, what's. Who's this going to be? What are they going to think? Are they going to want to talk? And how cold is it outside? Because I'm going to try to convince them to talk outside because my house is a disaster. Right? Like that was, that was reality for me there. What's the solution to fear of doorbells to doorbell phobia. I don't know what that actual. There's probably, like, a real name anyway. Some of y' all probably know that real name. The solution is the visibility rule. The visibility rule is what I have learned to be. The best way to prioritize decluttering projects is to follow the visibility rule. To start with the space that guests would see when they enter my home. The first thing that guests would see when they enter my home. That's where I start decluttering. That's why I recommend that you start decluttering. And some of y' all are thinking, but you've. Aren't you done decluttering? No, you continue decluttering forever. I always start with the visibility rule because it gets me back into that space that is decluttered now, but collects little things, right? And so I go back, and I'm not decluttering anymore in that spot, but I am getting it back under control, dealing with the packages that have arrived or whatever. And it takes me a very short amount of time, and then I move to the next most visible space and the next most visible space. But that is how I prioritize decluttering projects, because I needed a way to prioritize. I needed to know where to start, because every space in my house was a disaster. Here's the thing. If you start in the most visible space, first thing that happens is you will see the impact of the work that you have done, because you will walk by that space. It may not be the space where you live all the time. Like, you don't hang out in your entryway or whatever part where you people enter your house, but you're gonna see it. And seeing the impact of the work that you've done is going to be noticeable to you. Like, I always say that when I used to walk by a mess, I didn't notice it. But when I walked by after I had cleaned up the message, I would notice, and I would go, oh, it looks so great. And it would increase my decluttering energy and encourage me to declutter more again sooner, which is what I needed, right? When I would start in a space that was obscure and, you know, back of a closet, I would spend a lot of decluttering energy, and then my house wouldn't look any better, and all that energy had been spent. And then it would make me feel like, well, what was the point of that? My house is still embarrassing because there's nothing worse. I mean, there are lots of worse things. But in this context, one of the bad things that can happen is I spend all day working on a space and then I'm still embarrassed to open the front door when the doorbell rings. I still have that fear of the doorbell. I still have heart palpitations when the doorbell rings. So focusing on those visible spaces, on what people would see when they enter the. The house has a lot of benefits. It benefits your entire house because it gives you a place to start. It encourages you to keep decluttering because you're seeing the impact of that and it cures the fear of the doorbell. Not that I don't still have the actual moment of, but when I realize, oh, no, it's actually fine. They can come in. That is huge. Right? Like, I have solved this scary doorbell problem by following the visibility rule with that entry space, with the space where people are coming in. Define that space for some of you, maybe your, your entry to your home where people come in generally opens straight into the living room or the kitchen or something that is a little bit harder to declutter. Well, then declutter harder in those spaces because that just the fact that people are going to be able. You're going to be able to open the door and not panic is huge. But defining the space is key. Okay, let's say that it is just an entryway. Like, which is what I have in my current home. That space, I have defined it as being the place where I talk to somebody when they first come in my house, or the place that is the first impression when somebody enters my home. That is its whole purpose. So knowing that that is its whole purpose lets me know that a floor with nothing on it is a floor that's already being used. Because this is how we can go from this idea of but every time there's an open space, we fill it. No, I assign a purpose to that open space, the entryway, not having anything in it. I do have a little table that has my dog's leashes and stuff on it. But this space in my home, its purpose is to be empty. Because the whole reason that I have this space is for people to be able to walk in and get out of the weather and us have a conversation. When they stopped by my house to drop something off or pick something up or whatever, or just to talk. Right? That's its purpose. And then when I think of it that way, then I was going to say, I can't just drop something in there. Oh, I can, don't worry. But I can't purposefully just say, I'm going to stick this here because it's an open spot. I say no, this open spot is being used by this need to have a place to have people come in and be able to talk to me when they walk in my house. Right? So defining the room Open space does not equal storage opportunities. Open space is open for the purpose of when someone comes over, we can stand here and talk other things. If you've decluttered in there following the five step process you've defined the room as, that is what is going on here. Maybe you have the same place where guests would enter as the place where your whole family enters and you have backpacks and shoes and all of those kinds of things, then yes, that needs to be the solution there, but that the purpose of it is to have it decluttered down to the point where the only things that are in here are the things that need to be in here and they don't take away from the purpose of this space of being able to have somebody come in. The five minute pickup is how I maintain that space. The five minute pickup is how I have five minutes of focus that makes me start in that visible space and make sure that the things that have drifted in there or gotten dropped in there get dealt with and don't end up piling and piling and piling into overwhelming clutter.
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All right, what else is something scary? Let's just talk about it. Bugs, mice, other creepy crawlies. That's a scary thing, right? As far as if you know that you're going to be decluttering in a space and you are worried about there being creepy crawlies in that space and that's one of the Reasons why you don't want to go in there. I will wear a scarf on my head to cover my hair. I will wear gloves so that I'm willing to touch things that I wouldn't be with. I did a whole huge garage decluttering over last. I guess it's probably about last spring. And I wore gloves because it just made me more willing to touch things. And so if I happened to run across something, then I could throw those gloves away. I had disposable ones. But just having gloves is really powerful in that wearing a mask. Most of us have them right after the, you know, last five years. But wearing a mask to keep myself from breathing in dust or being worried that I'm gonna, you know, breathe in mouse poop, whatever, that is what makes me willing to go in and tackle this space. If there. Whatever it takes, you know, build your own hazmat suit with goggles and gloves and mask and all that kind of stuff. Whatever it takes to go in there and get this done. Do that. I know. I will talk to so many people who are like, oh, well, I. I'm scared to go do this because I'm scared to touch it, I'm scared to breathe it in, whatever. Okay, well, then there are solutions that. They're not great. They're not fun. Nobody enjoys wearing that stuff. But if it helps me do it, then it, you know, is worth it to me also. I mean, one of the best solutions to that kind of stuff is to eliminate hidey holes, eliminate piles. The less stuff that I have and the less that stuff is shoved in together. There's really not hiding places for bugs or mice or anything like that. Okay. They may still come. You may. That it can still happen. Right. So we're not saying this, but it greatly reduces both the chance that it's going to happen and also the chance that it's going to go on for a while without you realizing. Because that's one of the worst parts, right? Is that, yes, bugs or mice show up and they've made a huge nest or they've completely destroyed whatever item, or it's just, you know, very overwhelming. But the less stuff that I have and the more that stuff is actually embracing the reality of the real space where it lives. Like, let's say there's a shelf here. If I have a ton of stuff shoved on that shelf, the chances of me having creepy crawlies make their home in there are much higher than if I have decluttered that shelf to the point where I can see every single item. That's on that shelf and there is space, empty space around that item that allows me to both be able to see it and enjoy it and reach in there and get it and put it back and deal with it easily. Okay. Also, the less stuff that I have, the more easily I am able to get in there. You know, like, it's much easier to move one thing, wipe down underneath it and put that item back and move another thing and wipe down underneath it and put it back than it is to excavate an entire shelf that's been piled. Piled high, and then try to clean under it. Right. Like, so it's easier to keep things clean when I have just simply have less stuff. So giving space to function and not having things be crammed really goes far in helping to eliminate just the places where, again, it's not guaranteed that you'll never have creepy crawlies, but you're also not creating a home or letting there be a home where creepy crawlies can live. Also, the less stuff that I have when it happens anyway, and I do see mouse poop or there's, you know, a bug or something like that, bugs, then if there's less stuff, I can move it more easily to get in there and deal with what needs to be dealt with in that situation. Okay. Another scary thing, and this one is one that I hear from a lot of people, and I think it kind of happens after you start decluttering and you start seeing some real progress. And that is a fear of new things coming in. We, it is October 30, which means that next week is November, which is bananas. Bananas. And since next week is November, that means the holidays are coming. And, you know, here in the US we have Thanksgiving. Actually, y' all have Thanksgiving in November too, right? Or is it October in Canada? But there's that coming, and then Christmas coming in December, all kinds of holidays. It is the holiday season, and that means that for a lot of us, new stuff will be coming into the house. There is fear around that when you are decluttering, oh, no. New things are going to come in. What am I going to do? This was me. I used to be like, okay, I finally kind of have this under control. And I feel like anything new coming in is just going to tip me over the edge and send me sprawling into chaos again. Right. So instead, I have strategies now. Okay, if new stuff coming in scares you, then these are the strategies to keep in mind. One in, one out is the way it is the solution for the fear of new things coming in. It lets you either embrace or reject the new thing coming in with a real process and mindset around that. Instead of saying, no, no, no, no, no, no, please don't. Please don't give me that. Instead, it's a. I don't have space for it. It's not me saying, I don't want that. I don't want you to give this to me. I don. Instead, I'm just saying, I don't have the space for it. If you're not willing to get rid of something else, if you really want something to come in, or you do appreciate this item, you do love this item, then all you have to do, which I know it's, you know, like, really, that's all. But all you have to do is when you bring that new item in, you ask, where would I look for it first in my house? Because I would be like, oh, I know somebody gave me such and such. Where would I look for it first? Go to that spot where you would look for it first and decide what you're willing to get rid of to make the room for it. Okay? So there's a real process, and that process gives me the mindset and the words to be able to embrace or reject the new thing. Because that's what we're scared of, right? Yes, we're scared of new stuff coming in, but we're also scared of not being able to control the fact that here, over the holidays coming up, new things are going to come in whether we like it or not, whether we're ready or not. Like, okay, I. I think at some point I'll get to the point where I can add something to my house, but right now I just can't. And what if these things just come in without me wanting them to? The other way to be less scared about new stuff coming in is focus on the decluttering that you can do to be ready for new stuff coming in. You know, that you're going to have to cook some, you know, fancier or more detailed meals or, you know, whatever. Declutter the fridge. That is something I can do now that helps that fear of what's going to be happening in the next couple of months, which is something I'm excited about. Right. Like, I enjoy cooking those meals for me, you know, not everybody enjoys it, but I do enjoy that. And so I can end up in a real. This spot of resenting things when I'm like, I love cooking these holiday meals, and now I'm scared of cooking holiday meals, and then I'm mad about the whole situation. And sometimes that can really cause problems in my decluttering process. But instead when I go, okay, I'm gonna focus in on decluttering, I'm gonna declutter the space where I'll need that. I'm gonna declutter. My kids and I are gonna declutter their rooms to get ready for, you know, there being new stuff coming in that we know is going to happen. So that there is a solution to that fear, to that scary, scary thing of new stuff coming in. Another thing I'm going to recommend is as you take some time to declutter, talk about it around the people who are going to be bringing new stuff in to your home. Maybe your mother in law, okay? She has a beautiful heart and she loves you and she loves your kids and she wants. And I know some of you like mine doesn't, but you know what I mean? But she has in good intentions, right when she is giving stuff to your kids. Talk about how you're decluttering now. Talk about how you're trying to get the kids rooms to where they're under control. Talk about these things. Things, you know, post some of the best stuff for free on Facebook so that people can see that you're getting rid of things. Hey, I'm getting rid of some stuff. Here are a couple things that are good that we just don't have the space for. Use those kinds of words as you talk about it. Which will just kind of prep people for the fact that if they give your kid a new bike, you are going to have to get rid of the old one because of space. Right? That kind of thing. The other thing I'm going to say is, you know, since we're kind of on this scary theme of this time of year, October 30th, and people talk about trick or treat and all that kind of stuff. If you don't like tricks, you don't need them. The five step no mess decluttering process is not a trick. It's not a decluttering tip or a trick. Which makes it kind of hard for me because people are like, oh, give me a quick answer to this. And I'm like, well, let's go through the whole five step process. And that's not quick and it's not really a trick. It's a process. You don't need the tricks because you have a process. I mean, tricks are fun if they work, when they work. I know I got a ton of things a year or two ago when somebody, somewhere I'm thinking it was on Tick tock and I'm sorry, I don't know who it was, had said that their best decluttering tip was to if to ask themselves, if this had poop on it, would I clean it off or would I throw it away? And. And that's hilarious, right? However, if it works for you, great, absolutely ask yourself that question. But there's going to be things where you're like, I don't know, I mean, and there's. It's going to. At some point it's going to falter. Right? You don't need to use the poop trick. Right. You don't need to use the poop question unless that helps you. If it helps you, great. If it doesn't, you have the five step process. Right. I hope this was helpful. And just know that you can absolutely make decluttering progress. You can absolutely change your home and not feel overwhelmed by it anymore. If you're just completely, completely overwhelmed. I recommend that you read how to manage your home without losing your mind, which is another one of my books. It's also available wherever books are sold, libraries, all that. Because if, like we talked about at the beginning, you're scared of, why is this so hard for other people? I think I might be doomed. That's what I'm scared of. That book is going to explain how to not feel doomed in your home. All right, I will talk to you all next week. Bye.