Lili Reinhart (15:04)
It eventually did. And now, like, if I get an audition, it fills me with horror because I just hate auditions. I think from 12 to 19, I experienced 2,000 nos. And so I had a very formative time in my life. I'm dealing with this in therapy currently. Like, I grew up in an environment where I was as a child and a teenager trying to pursue my dream, being told no on a very Consistent basis. And yes, I would get little wins here and there, but they were never breakthrough anything. You know, it was like, oh my God, I booked Law and Order and not such a feat, but it was also incredibly isolating. Um, because then I would go back to school and sort of feel like everyone hated me because I was doing something different from them. And I already hated school and felt kind of like an outcast because I was really pursuing this very out of the box dream from everyone else around me. And it just felt increasingly isolating as time went on and I think like psychologically quite damaging actually as, as a kid and a teen and I think in New York at that time and even self tapes, they were exc to me. I was like, it was my, I don't want to say ignorant, but it was my, it was my optimism that I had at the time of oh my God, anything I do that I'm taping in my basement in Cleveland, Ohio is going to send me away to LA. Which is, I think when I was 12 sort of became my end goal. I wanted to end up in la and I had done an acting camp in LA and that made me kind of fall in love with the city and it was super expensive. So I felt kind of guilty to be pursuing this dream that my parents somehow just kind of had to like, they just believed in me. I think they just saw how passionate I was and they were sort of saying, okay, let's try it. And then every step of the way they were getting encouragement from people who were saying, no, your daughter's talented, this is what she should be doing. And then you're. They're also kind of blowing smoke up your ass because you're paying a thousand dollars for them to like give you a boot camp. So it's like who's to say if they actually believed in you? But I think slowly over time, due to the rejection, the moment I would get an audition, it's like my heart would sink and it would cause me a lot, a lot, a lot of anxiety. And I think I still carry that with me today. And luckily I really don't. I don't have to audition for most things anymore, which I'm super, thank God, because I'm clearly not very good at them. And they just fuel me with. I'm like, I'm never gonna give my best performance on a self tape. And it feels kind of, I don't know, Auditions are kind of evil. It's like you're, you're. It's just so much pressure. My Boyfriend, on the other hand, loves them, like has the best time of his life shooting an audition. And I'm like, we just, I don't get that. We just could not be more, yeah, different. They hang over my head. They're like a dark cloud hanging over my head. And I would always, lesson learned. But when I was 16 and I was like really getting a lot of auditions, I hadn't, you know, I had done Law and Order. What else had I done? I did like a guest role on a Fox show that was canceled. So I had done things and things were kind of like, it wasn't out of the realm of possibility that these things I was auditioning for would. I could book them, but I just wasn't. That's when it started when I was 16, I think to really become. So it felt like a pressure cooker because I knew I wanted to move to LA when I was 18, but it was sort of like the proof is in the pudding. And I wasn't booking a lot, so it was sort of, how am I supposed to kind of sacrifice my whole life? Which I decided at 12 I was going to be an actor. Didn't really, didn't want to go to college, didn't want to pursue anything else. So is this not working? Is it not working because I'm not good or because I'm not in LA or what? I don't know why. And I, I mean, I think my anxiety was really sabotaging me a lot because I looked at auditions as something to get over with as quickly as possible. Like the second I got an audition I was sort of like, mom, let's do it, let's get it out of the way. And she, she's the one who would tape with me and it would be sometimes a two hour long process because I was so hard on myself and my team really pushed me. My team, I had a great team from a really young age and they were really like, they would have me re tape a lot of auditions because they knew I was talented, but they knew auditions really scared me. So sometimes I had to like loosen up a little bit. And I think if I went back and watched an audition tape I did when I was a teen, I'd be like, oh yeah, that was like. I didn't give any thought, real thought into that. I just sort of wanted to get it out of the way. And so I think now at least I try to approach auditions when they do come in as I really try to take my time with them. I do still have the feeling of let's get this over with. But as I'm taping it, I really try to just one say, I don't want to re tape this. So let's really.