270: trust issues, money drama, & how to keep the spark alive

Summary

Pop Apologists Podcast Episode 270: Trust Issues, Money Drama, & How to Keep the Spark Alive

Release Date: April 23, 2025

Hosts: Ryan Reynolds and Ally Bullock
Guest: Ally Bullock, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

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1. Introduction of Ally Bullock

In this episode, Ryan Reynolds welcomes Ally Bullock, a licensed marriage and family therapist, to discuss maintaining healthy, passionate relationships. Ally is the head of relationships at the top couples app, Paired, and creator of the popular social media presence "Relationships With Ali." She is also a devoted wife and mother of three, bringing both professional insights and personal experiences to the conversation.

Notable Quote:
Ryan Reynolds introduces Ally Bullock:
"Ali Bullock is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the head of relationships at the number one couples app Paired that has helped 4 million couples globally stay in love... Ali is also a proud wife to her husband Sean and mom of three kids." ([02:22])

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2. Keeping the Spark Alive

Ryan and Ally delve into one of the most common questions: "How do you keep the spark alive?" Ally introduces the concept of non-toxic drama as a key strategy. This involves creating controlled, intentional experiences that reignite excitement without causing harm.

Key Strategies:

• Role-Playing: Using different names or scenarios to add novelty.
• New Experiences: Trying activities outside the norm to rediscover each other.
• Introducing Novelty: Simple additions like new outfits or playful items can make a significant difference.

Notable Quotes:
Ally Bullock:
"You have to create drama that's not toxic. Meaning, like, you are fully in control of it... You're intentionally keeping the spark alive by doing things that are not monotonous anymore." ([03:33]-[04:23])

Ryan Reynolds:
"I think that's a killer tip." ([06:31])

---

3. Daily Intimacy Habits

The conversation shifts to daily practices that foster connection beyond romantic gestures. Ally emphasizes the importance of eye contact and small, meaningful interactions that reinforce intimacy.

Key Practices:

• Uninterrupted Eye Contact: Spending moments looking into each other's eyes without distractions.
• Daily Check-Ins: Using apps like Parrot to answer daily prompts that encourage reflection and appreciation.

Notable Quotes:
Ally Bullock:
"When was the last time you looked at your partner without your phone around, without anything, and actually looked at them in the eyes for more than 20 seconds?" ([12:05]-[12:16])

---

4. Rebuilding Love as Partners Change

As relationships evolve, so do the individuals within them. Ryan and Ally discuss the importance of falling in love with the new versions of each other, acknowledging that change is natural and can deepen the relationship if approached with an open mind.

Key Points:

• Embracing Change: Viewing personal growth as an opportunity to rekindle love.
• Maintaining Appreciation: Recognizing and valuing each other's transformations over time.

Notable Quotes:
Ally Bullock:
"Even if you're not feeling the craziest amount of passion at one point, you can still experience happiness and health in your relationship." ([20:02]-[20:15])

Ryan Reynolds:
"I always like to think about... knowing that as we get older, we're going to have all this history and we're going to be these vibrant, different versions of ourselves." ([09:38]-[09:56])

---

5. Financial Dynamics and Teamwork

Navigating financial changes is a common source of tension in relationships. Ally advises couples to adopt a team mindset and consider shared financial planning to mitigate power imbalances.

Key Strategies:

• Combining Finances: Creating joint accounts while maintaining individual spending autonomy.
• Financial Planning: Consulting financial planners to facilitate open discussions about money.

Notable Quotes:
Ally Bullock:
"Having a team mindset about your finances can alleviate a lot of discomfort and help you stay on a level playing field." ([40:05]-[40:46])

Ryan Reynolds:
"I think it's important to take ownership of your life and to ask questions so you don't get into a position if you can avoid it." ([24:03]-[24:32])

---

6. Navigating In-Laws

Dealing with difficult in-laws requires setting clear boundaries and ensuring both partners are united in their approach. Ally highlights the necessity of communication and mutual support when addressing in-law tensions.

Key Strategies:

• Unified Front: Couples should handle in-law issues together to reinforce their partnership.
• Respectful Boundaries: Establishing and maintaining boundaries to protect the relationship.

Notable Quotes:
Ally Bullock:
"You have to be on the same team... Your partner should be the main touch point when dealing with in-laws." ([56:03]-[56:18])

Ryan Reynolds:
"It's really their responsibility. It's not your responsibility to make sure that everything with your in-laws are always perfect." ([58:18])

---

7. Managing Relationship Post-Children

Introducing children into a relationship can significantly alter dynamics. Ally reassures that while satisfaction may dip due to increased responsibilities, intentional effort can maintain a strong bond.

Key Points:

• Scheduled Dates: Prioritizing regular date nights, even if infrequent.
• Shared Joy: Focusing on the new joys that come with parenthood to outweigh challenges.

Notable Quotes:
Ally Bullock:
"Research does show that couples experience a dip in marital satisfaction after having kids, but the joy of having a family can outweigh some of the negatives." ([43:18]-[44:50])

Ryan Reynolds:
"It's important to keep doing those daily things so that when the hard times pass, you still like each other." ([45:14]-[45:29])

---

8. Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal

Trust can be fragile in relationships, especially following infidelity. Ally outlines a path to rebuilding trust, emphasizing honesty, vulnerability, and professional support.

Key Strategies:

• Open Communication: Addressing the breach honestly without blame.
• Therapeutic Support: Engaging in therapy to navigate emotional challenges.
• Understanding Triggers: Recognizing and managing emotional responses to betrayal.

Notable Quotes:
Ally Bullock:
"You can rebuild trust, but you'll always carry some discomfort. It's about learning to live with it and working through triggers with intentional effort." ([50:26]-[55:53])

Ryan Reynolds:
"Those experiences will stay with you, and it's important to recognize the impact on your ability to trust." ([55:39]-[56:09])

---

9. Handling Differing Political Beliefs

In an increasingly polarized world, differing political views can strain relationships. Ally offers strategies to maintain harmony despite these differences.

Key Strategies:

• Focus on Shared Values: Identifying common ground beyond political affiliations.
• Limit Discussions: Setting boundaries on political conversations to prevent conflicts.
• Mutual Respect: Agreeing on reliable information sources and respecting each other's perspectives.

Notable Quotes:
Ally Bullock:
"When you zoom out, you probably share a lot of the same values. Focus on where you agree and set boundaries for political discussions." ([60:34]-[61:47])

Ryan Reynolds:
"Disengage from the doom scrolling and focus on the relationship rather than external political pressures." ([62:24]-[62:35])

---

Conclusion

Episode 270 of Pop Apologists offers a comprehensive exploration of maintaining healthy relationships amidst challenges like trust issues, financial dynamics, and evolving personal connections. Through Ally Bullock's expert insights and practical advice, listeners gain valuable tools to foster enduring love and partnership.

Final Notable Quote:
Ally Bullock:
"You can't have a perfect relationship, but you can choose to love your choice every day." ([27:29]-[27:35])

Ryan Reynolds wraps up the episode with heartfelt appreciation for Ally's contributions, encouraging listeners to implement the discussed strategies to strengthen their relationships.

---

Connect with Ally Bullock:
Follow Ally on Instagram @relationshipsWithali and @airedapp for more insights and relationship tips.

Transcript

[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Ally Bullock]

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[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Ally Bullock]

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[Unknown Speaker]

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[Ally Bullock]

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[Unknown Speaker]

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[Ally Bullock]

I don't know that you've ever like shared on a podcast and I don't know, it's just. Thank you for being so vulnerable.

[Unknown Speaker]

I will actually think I brought up quite a few times.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'm still not over it. Foreign wow. We are so excited to be joined today by Ally Bullock. Ali Bullock is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the head of relationships at the number one couples app paired that has helped 4 million couples globally stay in love. And she's the creator of Relationships With Ali, her popular social presence with over 300,000 followers across platforms. Ali is also a proud wife to her husband Sean and mom of three kids. So she's practicing what she preaches every day. You guys, I really wanted to bring Ali on because I feel like you share so much wisdom for people who are in the trenches of actual like everyday monogamy marriage relationships. And I feel like we're fed so much advice for dating.

[Unknown Speaker]

Totally.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And so much advice for like how to get the guy, how to get him to commit. But what do we do when we.

[Unknown Speaker]

Got the ring on our finger, you.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Know, and it's a couple years in and different problems arise.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yes, right. So many different problems.

[Ryan Reynolds]

So I feel like this episode is just gonna be so valuable for all of our listeners who are in committed relationships and wanna keep them thriving. And also, I think, to have some wisdom as they embark on, you know, getting married and creating a great life in partnership with someone.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah.

[Ally Bullock]

I think, like, it'll be so helpful for people who maybe even aren't in a serious relationship now or, you know, who.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Ally Bullock]

Aren't in that phase of life. Once you're in that phase of life, you want to maintain it. You would hope to stay married forever. So we're so excited to have you. Thank you for being here.

[Unknown Speaker]

Thank you both so much for having me. I feel so honored. I love this podcast, and I'm so excited to be here with you.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, of course. Okay. So I think the best way we can serve our audience is really go through the questions they had for you and try to get to as many of them as possible. So let's just start off with a banger. And I think one of the most popular questions we get, which is, how do you keep the spark alive?

[Unknown Speaker]

The number one question. The number one question always. And my favorite answer is non toxic drama.

[Ally Bullock]

Okay, okay. Oh, I also, this was not what I was expecting at all.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And I'm obsessed.

[Unknown Speaker]

You have to create drama that's not toxic. Meaning, like, you are fully in control of it. For example, maybe you make a new name and text your partner from your sexy name on a different phone number on WhatsApp.

[Ally Bullock]

Oh, my gosh. Like, you role play.

[Unknown Speaker]

Right. Role play. Or you go, you know, make out or have sex somewhere. You normally would not ever do that. Like, you're creating dramatic experiences that you have control over. So they're not toxic. They're not gonna lead to anything that you don't want, but you're just intentionally keeping the spark alive by doing things that. Or sparky. I don't know. That's a weird way to say it, but.

[Ally Bullock]

Well. And I even interpret that as like, you maybe you buy yourself a new outfit, something you wouldn't typically wear. You, like, you step into a more dramatic side of yourself.

[Unknown Speaker]

Totally.

[Ally Bullock]

In order to create a new experience. Because I think so much of the frustration with keeping the spark alive is just like, I've known this person forever. We've had sex forever. Like, how do we do it new? How does it. How do we make it feel new and exciting? Because I, you know, I love this person, but I want it. You want to continue to, like, feel young and alive.

[Unknown Speaker]

Totally. And I even just got sent. Someone sent me this box. It's like a fantasy Box. Right.

[Ally Bullock]

And inside toys or something.

[Unknown Speaker]

Toys. And there's like a feather duster. I've never used a feather duster before. But it was great. It was new, it was something that was different. And it was just that simple thing took 10 minutes. Right. But once a month or once every few months, adding something new like that can make such a difference because you're not so bored anymore. Like, you're not so monotonous anymore.

[Ally Bullock]

And like, I guess. Can you speak to keeping the spark alive beyond sex?

[Unknown Speaker]

Yes. Yeah. Do new things with your partner. Right. You are so used to them that you start to make all these assumptions about them. And so you assume what they're going to like and what they don't like. And you go out on a date and you just like have in your head how it's going to go already. And so you have to really intentionally do new things where you're going to see them in a new light and you're going to be able to see, oh, they've actually grown or they've changed or. I've never seen them paint before. I've never seen them X, Y, Z before. And that helps you fall back in love with them. Cause you're like, oh, they're interesting to me.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I think that's such an interesting unlock. Well, two unlocks. One, I wanna go back to keeping the spark alive by texting them from a new name. I think that there's something interesting about being like the messages you get on Telegram from Charlotte, that's your name.

[Ally Bullock]

Obsessed. That. That's where you go.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Like, Charlotte might be a little bit naughtier than Lauren. You know, she might have some thoughts and some desires. Like, I'm just not responsible for the shit that comes out of Charlotte's mouth.

[Unknown Speaker]

Totally.

[Ally Bullock]

I feel like that.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That just kind of like removes some of the. The internalized shame that we all feel when it comes to sex. Yes.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yes. I think that's.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I think that's a killer tip.

[Unknown Speaker]

And when you have kids and you are stuck in these parent roles, you just. Moms just start to feel like mom. Like, I don't feel sexy anymore. But when I'm. I'm not gonna tell you my name, but when I'm this person. Right. I can be different. Like, I know when I see a text message from WhatsApp from my husband, that that's a different message.

[Ally Bullock]

Yes. I also, I. I don't know why this is giving me the chills. If it's giving me the chills in just like a very fun, excited way. But I love that it's also WhatsApp because it's, like, encrypted, right? It's totally. It's totally private. It's totally secure. And so that's why it's, like, from. From WhatsApp. Maybe it's not on imessage or whatever. It's not gonna come through on all your iclouds where the kids are on the iPad. Um, but, yeah, I just. I love that. That's, like, you just kind of create, like, a safe channel, a safe space to, like, keep the sex. Keep the sexiness going and the sex going.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Also, I feel like, not. We. We're gonna, like. I feel like we could do an hour on why this is such a great idea. But I like the idea that, like, for the person who's receiving the message, maybe they're a little stressed. They know. They know when they get that notification, and they know when to, like, open it, to be in the headspace, to. To be ready to receive it. And I think sometimes, like, you might send something and they're not ready for it. They don't need that dropped in their imessage.

[Ally Bullock]

What if the message above is like, do we need to buy more chicken breasts for dinner tonight? You know, like, it just. It kills the vibe.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And I don't.

[Unknown Speaker]

I've heard so many times, oh, my husband will only respond to the last message I sent him. Like, I send XYZ million list, and he only sees the last one. And so this can also be a way to mitigate that.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah, I love it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I love that. I also. I love the idea of falling in love with the new person your husband or wife has become. Because it's true, like, you fall in love when you're dating with this certain person. But then with time, we all grow and evolve a lot. And I think having an awareness of, like, I really want to cultivate psychologically an awareness that, like, I am also now so in love with this new iteration. And I just think there's something really special about that because, like you said, it can get so easy to just get so used to someone, you know? And then when I think when we get used to people and we get used to things, we stop, like, treating them like they're special.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah, exactly. And it can be really, really scary for people to think that my partner's going to change. But I think if you go into the relationship with more of an open mind about change doesn't have to be a bad thing. It doesn't have to be a Scary thing. What if 20 years from now, our marriage is completely different? Not in a bad way. Yeah. Just because we're different people, and just knowing that from the start can help it feel less scary when it's happening.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I always like to think about. I have a lot of, like, internalized fears about, like, getting older and, like, what that could mean for me and my relationship. And I have really tried to change the narrative in my brain to, like, know, like, when I. When we are older, we're going to have all this history, and, like, we're going to be these vibrant, you know, people in a different stage of our life. And, like, it's actually going to be, like, so much better. Like, it's not going to be this thing that just gets worse, which I feel like is kind of a lesson sometimes the culture tells us totally.

[Unknown Speaker]

Actually, you just reminded me of. What's the guy's name? Music man guy.

[Ally Bullock]

Oh, Hugh Jackman.

[Unknown Speaker]

Hugh Jackman.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

I was thinking about him this week because of the. What is her name? Thank you. Because of the Sutton Foster thing. And I was, like, looking up his old marriage, and I was just. I'm happy for him. Right. He's happy. But I was feeling sad because they had so much history.

[Ally Bullock]

I know.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'm. I'm Team Sad.

[Ally Bullock]

I'm happy because love and light. I want everyone to be living their best life. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I'm a little sad because, yeah, we can get it. It's not. This is not the podcast for whether or not there was cheating, but I'm a little sad.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It actually very much is the. Well, not this episode.

[Ally Bullock]

Sorry, this episode. But this podcast is the cheating. Yeah, we'll uncover it, but it's exactly right.

[Unknown Speaker]

It's the history that makes your love so much deeper and rich. And, yeah, it's a beautiful thing.

[Ally Bullock]

Lauren and I always talk about our, like, Mount Rushmore of monogamy, because Lauren and I are such. I mean, our parents have been married forever. We're very, like, in love with the idea and the couples that we see in popular culture who have been together forever. For example, a Tom Hanks and a Rita Wilson, a Tim McGraw and a Faith Hill, Barack and Michelle. And anyway, those are some of our, like, favorite couples. And we've always said, like, you know, if any of them break up, like, we're done. So, like, we're.

[Ryan Reynolds]

We're filing for divorce.

[Ally Bullock]

We should just go to divorce court immediately. Because, like, I think, you know, everybody wants to believe in this idea that you can have an Extremely special, meaningful marriage that can withstand, you know, to quote Fleetwood Mac, like, the seasons of your life, you know, and like, and kids and change. And I think that it can be very scary to, like, look forward and not know what the future will hold and like, not know if your marriage will withstand that.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah. And you have to practice every day. There's an analogy I love, which is like, you can have a piano in your house and love music and love piano, but that doesn't mean you know how to play it. And even if you knew how to play it once, if you haven't played for 10 years, you're going to be really rusty. And it's like the same thing with a person. You can have a person in your house that you love, but if you're not practicing every day, those skills of connecting with them, you're going to get rusty.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

You're not going to be good at it anymore. And so you have to be really intentional every single day.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

To keep that spark alive, to keep your romance.

[Ally Bullock]

I would love to know, like, what are some of the daily things, you know, is that like, is that like an open mouth kiss or. You know what I'm saying? Like, it doesn't have to necessarily be like a, you know, a physical thing, but what are the daily things that you feel like, really make sure that that fire is stoked.

[Unknown Speaker]

Eye contact.

[Ally Bullock]

Eye contact.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Okay, Eye contact.

[Unknown Speaker]

Actually think about it. When was the last time you looked at your partner without your phone around, without anything, and actually looked at them in the eyes for more than 20.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Seconds at the altar?

[Ally Bullock]

And like. And. And maybe. Yeah. When was that? Like a moment outside of sex too? Totally. Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Contact is just so vulnerable.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

But I think about getting home or my husband comes home and I look up and I say, hey, look back to my phone or my computer, go to bed, we give each other a quick hug, go to sleep. Right. We're not taking that time to actually look at each other, but when we do, it's like, oh, I see you today.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

I love you. Right?

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Wow. That's. I mean, that's. I think that's so beautiful. And I think it's important to realize that there are these little things because again, it's like, it's not the feather duster. It's not the new name within WhatsApp. It's like these body movements that we need to be aware of. And Yeah. A relationship really is something that you cultivate and develop. It's not something. A great relationship, it's not Something that just you luck into and happens to.

[Ally Bullock]

You, and then it's always just easy street from there.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Right.

[Unknown Speaker]

And the whole reason I love parrots specifically, or couples apps like it is because it asks you a question every day, and you answer that question. You can't see your partner's answer until you've answered.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, yeah. So tell us about the parrot app.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah, I want to know.

[Unknown Speaker]

It's essentially an app that helps couples stay in love. That's the slogan of the app. And it helps you stay in love by connecting with each other. So it takes less than five minutes a day. There's a prompt, a new prompt every day. That's a question. Today was, what was something you love that Sean inherited from his parents?

[Ally Bullock]

Oh, cool.

[Unknown Speaker]

So it's just a unique question that makes you think, and then he has to respond to be able to see my answer.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

So it takes literally less than two minutes. And it's just like, oh, I thought about you today.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Wait, this is so wonderful.

[Unknown Speaker]

It's great.

[Ally Bullock]

I feel like tears are at the back of my throat like this. I don't know, maybe it's because I'm fresh off my Bachelorette, but I just. I love that.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I love that.

[Ally Bullock]

You know, it's just like a moment to, like, check in, reflect, just, like, appreciate the specialness, you know, that is, like, your love.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah. I check my Instagram every day. Why shouldn't I spend one minute thinking about.

[Ally Bullock]

Totally. And, like, I feel like I'm a person. Like, I love, love.

[Unknown Speaker]

I'm.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And.

[Ally Bullock]

And so the idea of an app where I can, like, I don't know, do that more or, like, you know, bask in that more. Sounds so fun to me.

[Unknown Speaker]

No, it's so fun.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I also think it's a good.

[Ally Bullock]

Because there's a lot.

[Ryan Reynolds]

There's honestly some sad questions in here. Yeah. And like, a questions like, how bad does it have to get for when, you know, you need to get out? And I feel like, will your partner participate in this app? And that's a good. That's going to be a good indicator of their commitment. Will they spend five minutes instead of scrolling Instagram?

[Unknown Speaker]

Totally.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Like, you know, answering a question about their favorite trait that you inherited. Like, I think that that is a good thing. Just as women or men listening to know about their partners. Right?

[Unknown Speaker]

Absolutely. Yeah. When your partner has stopped being willing to put in any effort into your relationship health, that's a good sign that things are going downhill, unfortunately.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah. And, I mean, I always think there's this business quote that the compression of time creates value. I think it actually might be something that Jesse, your sister, who I know and love and is one of my best friends, taught me or quoted to me. And it's just the idea that, like, if you can figure out that something is not going to work and half the time you should, because then you just save so much time and it's so valuable to kind of unfortunately move on if you need to sooner rather than later.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah, people come to couples therapy and say, you know, we broke up because of couples therapy. And I'm like, no, you actually were going to break up anyway. It just took you far less time to get there because we finally were honest about things.

[Ally Bullock]

Right.

[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Ally Bullock]

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[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Ally Bullock]

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[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Ally Bullock]

Lauren, you know how we've been on a dead run for like the last week?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Mm.

[Ally Bullock]

Well, let me just tell you that. Thank God I had early bird to, you know, help me unwind. After the craziest seven days, I took a full gummy and was able to literally knock out in the best way possible.

[Ryan Reynolds]

They're so effective at just making your brain melt away all of a sudden, like the rush of an internal monologue. All your anxiety, all the stuff you're stressing about, it just kind of gets muted and it just kind of like mushes away and you can truly fall asleep. It's incredible.

[Ally Bullock]

They're simply perfect. I Love taking a half. If I'm going to, you know, unwind and watch a show, a full one is maybe more. When I'm just looking to, you know, fully go to sleep and they do a perfect job every single time.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I will say a single bottle will last me a really long time. Cuz a half does wonders. I usually only take a half. I highly recommend going to early birdcbd.com using code pop20 for 20% off. Okay, so I have another. So this next question, it's just like very simple, but I feel like we should ask it. Is it even possible to be happy and healthy and passionate in a long term relationship?

[Unknown Speaker]

Yes. Yes, it's possible. It's, it's rare. I'm not gonna lie.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's rare.

[Unknown Speaker]

I think it's rare. I mean, think about the adults that, you know, who have been together more than 30 years. How many would you actually say you think are happy?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

Or in love still?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Do you feel like though that's because. And I'm just, maybe this is just some hopium I'm trying to smoke right now. But do you think that's because our generation is maybe more aware and trying to be more conscious and like therapy is so much more normalized and we're trying to work on ourselves and we're trying to actually be better. And for our parents generation it was like, you know, you don't need to cry. Like you're not in the depression, you know, buck up and whatever.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah. Like you're married. It's great, it's fine. You be grateful.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Like there's this, I saw this interview with Ivana Trump on Letterman and she was saying that she didn't like how a famous person who was cheated on was always cr. I think it was Princess Diana. Yeah. She was saying she didn't like how Princess Diana was always crying because she's like, who cares if he cheats on you? You have a beautiful, like you live in a, in a castle, you have beautiful children, you know, like stop crying.

[Ally Bullock]

And I feel like that's a take, right?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, that's quite a take. And I just think that there on some level there was that attitude in like the previous generation which is just kind of like life is hard. Deal with it.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah.

[Ally Bullock]

The other thing I want to say like to this question, the question is, is it even possible to be happy, healthy and passionate in a long term relationship? To me I think it's very hard to be all three of those things at once. And so I think it might, you know, to Your answer about how it's rare. It's rare to maybe feel all of those things at the exact same time, you know, to have that, like, synergy at one point. But I do think it is possible to experience those things sort of like in rotation, where it's like, okay, maybe I'm not feeling the craziest amount of passion about my partner, but I'm happy our life is good. Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

You know, Such a good point. Such a good point. And there's a type of therapy called narrative therapy, and one of the things they talk about is sparkling moments when you look at your journey.

[Ryan Reynolds]

What.

[Unknown Speaker]

Where's a sparkling moment you can identify? And it would be one of those where you're happy, healthy, and passionate all at the same time, and those brief moments carry you through a lot of hurting.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Exactly.

[Ally Bullock]

Yes.

[Unknown Speaker]

And so it's possible to have all three, but it's not going to be all the time.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I think that's why, like, the honeymoon phase of sex is so important, because it's like knowing that you have this, like, sexual connection with your partner and that you had this, like, crazy time. I just think that kind of, like, is important as. As, you know, you get to the stages of monogamy that maybe are a little less frenetic.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And their ardor. I think that it just, you know, you have it and you know that you can get back to those moments. I think those moments really can carry you through the more mundane times.

[Unknown Speaker]

Well, absolutely.

[Ally Bullock]

To your point, I think, like, what is so intertwined is, like, youth and sexual vibrancy. Like, you. And if you feel like you're losing your sexual vibrancy, it's like, is that because I'm getting older? And then there's all this fear and, like. And I guess, like, you know, that's something that, you know, I think can be really hard for people is, you know, thinking those two things are mutually exclusive.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yes. You know, but they're definitely not. I remember in grad school, we had to watch a documentary about elderly sex, essentially, and it was all about all the sex that's happening in these care facilities. And people are horny, which is great.

[Ally Bullock]

Which is honestly fucking great news.

[Ryan Reynolds]

So great.

[Unknown Speaker]

And people say, I don't know if you've heard the best sexes in your 30s or 40s.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

Like, the more experience that you have with sex, the better it can get.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

And so I do not want people to think, oh, just because we're getting old together means we're not going to be as passionate. It doesn't have to be that way.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's all about, like, the story you tell yourself. Yes. Like, I remember. I mean, this doesn't have to with relationships, but I was talking with a friend and I was just talking about, like, unfortunately, I had this, like, negativity about aging. And I was like, you know, it's just all downhill from one point. And she's like, that's honestly not true for everyone. Like, if you take care of yourself and, like, you work on yourself, like, you can perpetually becoming, like, transforming into a more beautiful, vibrant, but just different version of yourself in any way. I think that that also can be said about your relationship and your sex life.

[Unknown Speaker]

Totally.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Okay. Should we get two more listener questions?

[Ally Bullock]

Yes, absolutely.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Okay. This is more about a dating question, but it says, can you say. It's a long question, so I'm just going to sum it up.

[Unknown Speaker]

Okay.

[Ryan Reynolds]

When is it acceptable to ask about getting married? Like, if this person is interested in ever getting married? Like, when can you bring that up?

[Unknown Speaker]

This is so tricky. And I'm going to be honest. Dating, the current dating trends are not my forte. Right. Because I've been out of the dating game for 10 years. And what I would have said 10 years ago is just tell them, like, be assertive. I'm all about being assertive. Just showing your cards.

[Ally Bullock]

Where are you at?

[Unknown Speaker]

Because the relationship will progress or it won't based on that information. And so someone deserves to have the information. But I know that in today's landscape, it can be a little sketchy. So you might have more advice than me on that topic.

[Ally Bullock]

I agree with you. I'm. I feel like I'm on your same page about, like, bring it up as. As soon as possible. Once again, to your point about compression of time creates value. Like, you don't want to waste your time with someone who isn't. Who isn't interested in that.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I mean, I just think that within the first three dates, you should say, hey, I'm. I'm dating to find someone to marry.

[Ally Bullock]

Yes.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And I'm not saying that we're getting. We're getting married. This isn't a proposal, but I just want you to know that that's my intention. And, and if. That, if the person, like, freezes or acts weird about it, that's a very good indicator that there's a problem.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah. And I think that doesn't necessarily mean you need to break up with this person and it's done, but I think it's. It's an indicator that you either need to have more conversations about this. And, you know, you need to, like, be honest with yourself about, you know, this person is telling you, is. Is reflecting back to you, like, well, who they are.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah. And I have worked with a sad number of people who are in their late 30s. Women want to have kids, and they're in these relationships where they're like, I've been waiting and waiting and waiting, and now I feel like if I cut my losses, I won't be able to have my dream, which is like, my children.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

But their partner wasn't ready for it. So it's. Yes. Be assertive and honest.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I think that that is why it's just so important. As women, we step into our power and we, you know, if. If you're in that position, there's always hope you can have kids later in life. People are having kids in their 40s now. Like, there's always a way. But I also think that, like, it is important to take ownership of your life and to ask questions so you don't get into that position if you. If you can avoid it.

[Ally Bullock]

So this person, or this question is, I've been with my boyfriend for 10 years and sometimes wonder if he's the one. How normal is this?

[Unknown Speaker]

When I heard this question, I was like, what is this person talking about? Are they saying they've been together and thought they were the one and now they're questioning it? Or if they've been together for 10 years and are finally like, oh, is this the one? What. How are you interpreting this question?

[Ally Bullock]

I interpret this as a person who. I don't know. I think it's a little hard because this person is. It's a boyfriend. It's not a husband or partner or whatever. But I think that there's this idea of, like, a one perfect soulmate. And if you're in an amazing relationship and you're like, but is it the one? Is he the one? And I think some people struggle with that, you know, And I think, like, for me, I don't know that I believe in soulmates. I don't believe that there's one person for everyone. But, yeah, I guess I just interpret this as, like, just. I think you can be plagued by this idea of, like, did I find my one?

[Unknown Speaker]

Yes. I mean, there's a song about it. We know, Taylor's song. I will say, like, my husband is my soulmate.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

Not because he's the only person that could have been my soulmate.

[Ally Bullock]

Yes.

[Unknown Speaker]

Like, because I'm choosing that every day. He's my person. And I do things to make sure that we stay that way. But I'm sure, as unromantic as this sounds, I could have been happy with a hundred other people in different circumstances.

[Ally Bullock]

Right. And so I love that. I just. Sorry to. Sorry, interject, but I just. Because, like I've always said, I don't believe in soul mates, but I love the. I love the way that you phrase that where it's like, he is my soulmate because I chose him to be my soulmate.

[Unknown Speaker]

Totally.

[Ally Bullock]

Yes.

[Unknown Speaker]

I actually, I even started an Instagram page once that I never did anything with called create your soulmate. Because, yes, I want people to know that you can have a soulmate, but it's not going to be someone who just finds you.

[Ally Bullock]

Yes.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I also think that women get into a habit where we. We all have the fantasy, we all have the Mr. Darcy in our head, and we, we are raised on these stories of the perfect man is going to come into our life and sweep us off our feet and it's going to be happily ever after. And then I think the problem with that as an adult is when you're in a real relationship that has its mundane months, maybe even years, and it's just not what you imagined, it can be easy to start conjuring in your mind, like, well, what if the. Actually the problem is he's not the one?

[Unknown Speaker]

Totally.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And I think that Courtney, our older sister, said something so profound to me that I always think about. She always. She said that she's seen so many people blow up their lives and get rid of a. Of a good relationship in search of a perfect relationship. And I just think that that is something that is important to be self aware about. You know, like, don't chase the fantasy. Because fantasies aren't real.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah, they're not real.

[Ally Bullock]

I don't know a single person who has the perfect relationship, right. Who, Whose. Whose partner has literally everything A to Z right in. In spades.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Except him and Faith.

[Ally Bullock]

Except him and Faith. Barack and Michelle, Rita and Tom.

[Unknown Speaker]

And this phrase I always remember, choose your love. Love your choice. Yeah.

[Ally Bullock]

So easy.

[Unknown Speaker]

But just choose them and then love the choice that you made. Right.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Completely. Yes.

[Ally Bullock]

Okay, I want to move on to another question that I think is, like, is very real, sensitive. And I think, like, we need an expert like yourself to speak to it. This question is how to address your spouse's weight gain.

[Unknown Speaker]

This is such a good question. Okay, so my first tip is to think about what are these circumstances surrounding the weight gain? Because the thing that is bothering you Might not actually be the weight. Maybe it's that your partner has not been motivated lately, and that quality is not attractive to you. Or maybe it's that there's some depression going on and that's been really hard. Or maybe there was pregnancy and you've just been disconnected for a while. And so I would really encourage people to think about, is there something else that the weight gain is just a symptom of? But really the underlying issue is something deeper that we can address, because addressing the weight gain specifically is almost never gonna be helpful and usually not fair. So that's where I would start. And then it's so hard.

[Ryan Reynolds]

But what if you married someone and they were relatively fit when you got married, and then they really did just kind of stop putting effort into their appearance, and they did gain a significant amount of weight, and your physical attraction has changed. Like, that happens to people. And I'm just like, what do you do in that situation? Because it's just hard. Because it's like a. The person is now has this partner who's not feeling good about themselves. Most likely they're dealing with a lack of physical attraction, and then they're also dealing with the shame.

[Ally Bullock]

Right.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Of feeling the way they feel.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah. And I do think it's really important to say, like, you're not a bad person or a bad partner if you are feeling unattracted because of weight gain. It's a reality, as taboo as it is to say that. And you can talk to your partner about it as long as you're not being controlling or mean.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

You can say to your partner, hey, this has happened. I know this is so uncomfortable to talk about, but it's impacting me and you, and I want to have a conversation about it. I love you so much. I'm attracted to so many things about you.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

But this one thing is. Is getting kind of hard. Can we talk about it?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

And it's so vulnerable, but you have to be able to talk about it.

[Ally Bullock]

And maybe that's a time where you bring in a therapist. You know, that's when you have another third party to help you navigate an extremely tricky conversation.

[Unknown Speaker]

Right.

[Ally Bullock]

Okay. Should we move on to another question?

[Ryan Reynolds]

I mean, but do you need to couch that in, like, and I'm still so attracted to you, or do you have to, like. I mean, can you kind of lie? Or do you have to, like, say, like, this is, like, hampering my attraction to you?

[Unknown Speaker]

Well, what kind of attraction are we talking about?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Like, sexual attraction.

[Unknown Speaker]

Sexual attraction. I would Say, honestly, I would tell this partner, this couple, try, turn the lights off and be blindfolded, one of you.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

And explore pleasure and touch and see if weight has anything to do with that. See what happens when you're really just focused on how your bodies feel together instead of some visual thing that you don't have control over. And just see what happens. It might not change anything, but you might find that, like, oh, I can still experience pleasure with you. I can still feel attracted in this situation. It's not always going to happen, but at least try that and see what happens.

[Ally Bullock]

And I do think your earlier point is so true about, like, there's underlying things that really cause the lack of attraction. Whether, like, you're attracted to a partner who is motivated, disciplined. Like, those are the things that are really sexy, where it's like, I got a good one, you know? And so I think that addressing those deeper things really is. Is key.

[Unknown Speaker]

Have either of you ever seen Crash Landing on you? No.

[Ryan Reynolds]

No.

[Unknown Speaker]

It's a Korean drama on Netflix.

[Ally Bullock]

Oh, wait, I think I watched, like, the first episode.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yes. Okay. A few years ago. It was huge. Anyway, this main character, this guy in the first episode, you're like, there's nothing great about the way he looks. By the last episode of the show, you think he is the most attractive man that you've ever seen just because of who he is and how he is. And I think that's such a testament to, like, physical appearance isn't the only thing that we're attracted to completely. Yes. And so we have to keep that in mind.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I also. Yeah, and maybe. Maybe it really just goes back to your first answer and it's like addressing what is causing it, because that is the thing that's causing the lack of attraction. It's the. It's whatever that underlying problem is and resolving that. You know who's the hardest person to shop for on the planet? Our mother, Deb. Every year for Mother's Day, she hits us with the classic, don't get me anything, which, let's be real, is not helpful. I still want to give her something that makes her feel special. This year, Quince has totally saved me. Quince has these beautiful cashmere sweaters Starting at just $50, 14 karat gold jewelry, Italian leather bags, and even fragrances. It's all really thoughtful, really high quality, and somehow it's actually affordable. It's exactly the kind of thing Deb would never buy for herself, but absolutely deserves. So now I don't overthink it. I just go straight to quints. Thoughtful, Timeless. Totally her shop. Mother's Day at quince go to quince.comapologist for free shipping on your order in 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.comapologist to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.comapologist. you know that moment when you think you're making a healthy food choice, then you flip the bag over and it's full of ingredients you can't even pronounce? Yeah. I got tired of that game real fast. That's why I started using Thrive Market. It's my favorite online grocery tool for getting high quality, healthy staples delivered straight to my door. No label decoding required. I use their filters to shop by what actually matters to me. High protein, low sugar, you name it. And the snacks? Truly the best. You already know I'm a popcorn girly, so naturally I had to restock with the lesser evil Himalayan pink salt popcorn. It's elite. What I love most. Thrive bands over a thousand sketchy ingredients, so I can actually trust what I'm buying. And with their buy it again feature, reordering is so easy. Ready to make the switch? Go to thrivemarket.com pop for 30% off your order plus a free 60 gift. That's T H R I V market.com pop thrive market.com pop what to do if you really all caps hate your husband's choice of growing out his hair long?

[Unknown Speaker]

I think it's fine if you hate that. Okay.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Really?

[Ally Bullock]

And to vocalize it.

[Unknown Speaker]

And I think it's fine if you tell them that again. Respectfully.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

And then you have to just accept there are things your partner probably hates about you. That's true. Sean hates my style. Okay. I won't say hate, but like, there have been. There was a time I had an outfit that I loved. He hid it so that I wouldn't be.

[Ally Bullock]

I kind of want to know. The outfit was now.

[Unknown Speaker]

It was literally just a two piece. Like a jumpsuit or a matching set. Top and bottom this blue. He thought it looked kind of like hospital scrubs.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh my gosh.

[Unknown Speaker]

I loved it. It was so comfortable. But he comes into the room one night and he's like, I have to confess something. When we were staying at his mom's house, he was like, I tried to hide it so you would leave it there before coming home. And I had found it in the other room. And I was like, oh, Shawn, this.

[Ally Bullock]

Was in the other room. So weird.

[Ryan Reynolds]

He's like, aha. That's so weird.

[Ally Bullock]

I kind of love, I love your husband for doing that. That's like the funniest thing ever.

[Unknown Speaker]

Oh, I posted that on Instagram once. People were so mad. They were like, how dare he?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh my God, get over it.

[Unknown Speaker]

It's fine. I don't care. You shouldn't care.

[Ally Bullock]

Also, I think it's a double standard because it's like, I will literally, like, I'll throw away a shirt of Ben's. I mean, yeah, I have like, not to say I have or have it, but like, I just think it's such a double standard with men and women, you know?

[Unknown Speaker]

Totally.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Kagan. I. I had this romper from Faithful, the brand that I wore like five years ago in this one summer, and I just wore it all the time. And he just finally was like, can you please just like never wear this romper again? Like, he has like PTSD from this red floral romper.

[Unknown Speaker]

Exactly. And with the hair thing, they will cut their hair eventually. Right. And honestly, probably the more comments you make about it, sometimes men are a little stubborn.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

And he might think, well, I like my hair long. Right. And keep it longer.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I mean, can you be sexually manipulative? Can you be like, I just like.

[Ally Bullock]

Can you give us permission to be sexually manipulative?

[Ryan Reynolds]

He's like, I just really like to, you know, get. Charlotte loves to fuck a short haired man.

[Unknown Speaker]

Honestly, if your relationship is safe, go for it.

[Ally Bullock]

You know, I mean, also, I'll just speak to my own experience. Ben has a beard. I prefer him with a beard. He has shaved his beard a few times and it is, it has caused both of us to have identity crises.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yes.

[Ally Bullock]

And every time it's like, I love you so much. I love you so much. I prefer the beard. And it's just like, it's like this funny thing. And thankfully, like, you know, he's very confident. It's actually funny to him how much I hate it. It's. He likes to see me squirm.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yes.

[Ally Bullock]

But it's just like, you know, I think it's okay to just have preferences.

[Unknown Speaker]

It's fine.

[Ally Bullock]

It's fine. And of course, I think as a woman, you're like, you're not allowed to have any preferences about me. I'm perfect the way I am. Every shape, size, hair color, anything, any outfit. But it's just, it's okay. It's very normal. We're all human. It's okay to have preferences.

[Unknown Speaker]

And like, for this person, some self reflection. Do you not like the long hair because you're embarrassed when you go out in public.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

Like, what is. Is there something that's not the long hair that's actually making you squirmy?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

And you need to work on yourself, because if he likes it and he's confident with it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Right.

[Ally Bullock]

Totally. Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Okay, this is an interesting one. How do you navigate changing financial dynamics? And what I'm guessing this means is. I'm guessing this isn't meaning that he's starting to make more money than her. It sounds like it's because I feel like that's just a dynamic most people are used to in our culture. It's the accepted one. The dynamic of, like, out earning your husband and, like, how that could shift things. Right. I mean, Chan, do you agree?

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah, I think it could mean that.

[Ally Bullock]

Or it can mean, like, maybe you have less money than you did when you first were together. I don't know.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, that's interesting.

[Unknown Speaker]

I don't know. Lots of couples should take advantage of getting a financial planner. And I'm not going to give specific financial advice, but there's so many couples I've worked with where I'm like, you've never talked to anyone else about your money situation? Financial planners do this for free, Right? Like, they don't take a cut until you buy one of their products. And just going to a third party and having someone else ask you the questions about it can alleviate so much of the discomfort in talking about money. So take advantage of a free resource like that. And then the other thing is really think about the power dynamics. Like, money and power go together. And even if you think you're a very equitable relationship, there's going to be something weird going on if someone's really out earning the other person. And so just being aware of that and having honest, open conversations about it from the start will help a lot.

[Ryan Reynolds]

What do you think about the challenge, though, of a woman who starts really outpacing and earnings her husband? How do you think that? Like, because I know that there are ego issues that men have. There's an emasculation feeling that can happen. I heard Aaron and Sarah Foster talk about this on their. On their podcast about how, like, they have friends who are in this situation, how it's impacted their friends, sex lives. Like, I'm just curious if you have any insight into navigating that situation.

[Unknown Speaker]

It's hard, and I think even when you have a really solid relationship, it can still be a tricky dynamic.

[Ryan Reynolds]

But maybe it's an opportunity for him to really work on Himself and his own ideas about how the dynamic, how things should go, you know, and maybe.

[Ally Bullock]

A little bit of perspective and realizing this is a good problem. We are making more money and we are in this together. Like, I think, you know, like, seeing yourself as a team, you know, of course, you know, in our. In society, like, if your husband makes a lot of money, you feel great and you're the one, but it's like, why then if suddenly the genders are swapped, then it's like, oh, my gosh, it's this crisis, you know, just like, have to have some fucking perspective. Like, this is a good problem to have.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah. I love that approach also, though.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Okay, but flipping it. What about when you're the woman and you don' very much at all and your husband makes a lot of money? I imagine that would create some real insecurity and feeling vulnerable. Right. Because, like, I just feel like that would probably make you feel like, you know, he who makes the gold makes the rules on some level, that ends up being the truth.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And how do you still have, like, power in your relationship? Like, if you don't, you know, meet your husband where he is financially, if.

[Unknown Speaker]

You'Re in that situation and you're married, and especially if you have kids, you need to have some sort of structure of like, this is not your money. This is our money. If there's that huge imbalance because it makes no sense for one person in the relationship to have all the money. If you've committed your life together and then you get divorced and you're left with nothing, it just doesn't make sense. And so I really think couples need to have more of a team. You said teamwork, like a teammate. Mindset about this. People are really scared of combining money. But there was actually some research that came out recently. I'm. I don't remember exactly what it was, but said, like, couples who combine some of their finances often report greater satisfaction because there's that level of teamwork.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

And that trust and safety. So I would think about, like, if you're so averse to combining your money after you've already committed your life together, why is that? How could you maybe think about doing that in a way that still protects both of you.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Right.

[Unknown Speaker]

But allows you to be more on a level playing field?

[Ryan Reynolds]

I think that's the answer. It's like changing the way you discuss it and talk about it and, like, our money and coming into your power and saying, this is also my money and we need to talk about it that way and think about it that way. And if that. And if your husband or your wife or whatever doesn't want to talk about it like that, then again, that's a good red flag to see.

[Unknown Speaker]

And of course, it's hard if you are sitting at home doing absolutely nothing, contributing society in no way that it's going to be really hard for them to want to say that. But if you have, like, an equitable relationship in many other aspects, then, yeah. Get more comfortable calling it ours.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, for sure.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah. Well.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Sorry, Kagan.

[Ally Bullock]

Well, and I'll just say, like, Ben, my fiance, and I, like, we combined our finances when we moved in together before, after we were engaged, and it opened up a level of. Of intimacy in our relationship that didn't exist before. And just a feeling of, we're in this together. We are a team.

[Unknown Speaker]

Our.

[Ally Bullock]

Our life is a shared road. And. And I. I was expecting it to be a lot more stressful. And of course, like, I. I joke, like, now I have a watchdog, you know, like, you know, that I live with, but it's created a new level of intimacy, you know, that I think I can speak to that, I guess.

[Unknown Speaker]

You know, and again, I'm not a financial advisor, but, like, something you can do and a lot of couples do, is you have your shared account.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

And then you. From that, you each get a certain amount of month that the other person doesn't get to look at. Like, you get to spend it.

[Ally Bullock]

Totally.

[Unknown Speaker]

You have that autonomy.

[Ally Bullock]

Totally.

[Ryan Reynolds]

The key thing I need. Yeah.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

The lack of transparency. Yeah.

[Ally Bullock]

And currently every single. Every single dollar I spend is. Ben can see, because we use, like, ynab. Every dollar has a job. But anyway, you know, and that can create some tension. But anyway, I think. Moving on to another question, I think we should get into kids.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Okay.

[Ally Bullock]

Because, you know, some of these questions are sad. And some of these questions also, I think, I think for me, like, I'm very fearful about my relationship post children. I'm so excited to have kids, but I'm terrified of how my relationship will change. So, like, you know, this question. What do you do when you have had consistent bad years? We had kids and everything changed.

[Unknown Speaker]

Consistent bad years is so hard. It's so hard. And it's. When this person says consistent bad years, like, plural, you start to think maybe, you know, you need to go therapy.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Right.

[Unknown Speaker]

When you think about the course of a marriage, though, it's actually pretty common to have a few bad years lumped together.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Right.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

And so it's hard not knowing everything that this person is going through, But I would say if it's been consistent, bad years, but you're still, like, respecting each other, and there's still a baseline of friendship. You can almost always get through it. If that has eroded, if you're not even friends anymore, you don't like each other, and you're frankly mean to each other, then you definitely need help. And that might be a sign that things are going downhill. Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Ally Bullock]

And I guess I realized my question was kind of like a million questions in one talk about the, you know, how your relationship changes after kids.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah.

[Ally Bullock]

Is there any way. I know. I'd like to know. Lauren and I are both so afraid of this. Like, help us be less afraid or at least, like, give us, you know, your guidance on what we can expect. I guess.

[Unknown Speaker]

I don't know.

[Ally Bullock]

I know it's a huge question.

[Unknown Speaker]

So. Research does show that couples experience a dip in marital satisfaction after having kids. To be expected, though. You're not sleeping. Right.

[Ally Bullock]

Right.

[Unknown Speaker]

You're just busy. However, the increase in satisfaction in so many other areas, like having kids, yes, it will impact your marriage, but you then have a family, and that's a whole different level of joy. Not saying it's more joyful than you and your partner going and doing things, but it's a different level of joy, and that can outweigh some of the negatives that you experience.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Right.

[Unknown Speaker]

Right. And so, yes, my husband and I don't get to go on dates as often as we did. But, like, when we have those moments where we're sitting together looking at these pictures of our kids being, like, we made this little human, it's the most special moment. Right. It's so beautiful. And so you just have to go in knowing it will be hard. But again, if you're intentional every day, even with five minutes looking at each other in the eyes, you can get through those hard years.

[Ally Bullock]

Right.

[Unknown Speaker]

And.

[Ally Bullock]

And, you know, like, to the. To our earlier conversation about seeing your partner change, like, you're going to get to see your partner in this completely new role of being, you know, you're going to see Kagan being a dad. I'm going to get to see Ben be a dad. And, like, that's going to create new attraction.

[Unknown Speaker]

Oh, my.

[Ally Bullock]

That I don't want to miss out on.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah. I remember after my first was born, there was this moment my husband was standing in our bathroom in the mirror, and he was looking at himself, and he looks at me and he goes, I think I was made to be a dad. And it was like, the most special moment, right? I'll never forget that moment because it was so true and so beautiful. And just like you said, you have a whole different level of attraction to.

[Ally Bullock]

Those parts of them that's made me so teary.

[Unknown Speaker]

That's so lovely.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That's like, yeah, I think that's so hopeful. And I think that, I think that if it's something where it's like the partner is not. I'm not the expert, but if it's something where the partner is really not picking up the slack and is leading you to do everything and like, and is really kind of like hanging you out to drive, then that's when I think like, this is not just normal dip in marital satisfaction. This is where you need to maybe start making some contingency planning, seeing a therapist, figuring out what's really going on here.

[Unknown Speaker]

And couples are way better at doing that these days. People are having those conversations while they're engaged, while they're dating, about mental load and dividing labor. And so I think people are way more prepared than they used to be.

[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Ally Bullock]

This is a generalization, but I think it's true. Women are like planners. We're party planners. We're like career women. We're simultaneous, like therapists for our friends. Like, I feel like I'm doing five jobs at once. Meanwhile, like, my lovely fiance is just like, you know, just like a dude. You know, he's great, but it's just, you know, there's just, women just carry so much more of the mental load. And like, I feel like any way that you can try to, you know, externalize some of that and share that with your partner and say, hey, I would love it if you could think about what we're gonna have for dinner for the next three nights.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Ally Bullock]

You know, or you're gonna think about, hey, so and so's birthday's coming up. Can you start thinking about a fucking gift for them so I don't have to be dealing with that? I don't know, like things like that.

[Unknown Speaker]

Oh, absolutely.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

And people forget, like, your kids will grow up and it'll just be you two again.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

So it's, it's not like kids, it's not like kids are going to be in the way forever. And also, I hate saying in the way, but they're not going to be taking away from your relationship forever. And so that's why it's especially important to keep doing those daily things so that when they leave, you still like each other.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

Right.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

Great. Divorce. I don't know if you've heard that term.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

But that's on the rise. And it's because your kids leave and you're like, oh, who are you?

[Ally Bullock]

Right, right. So how do you. I guess then when you're, when your kids, when you're in the thick of it, how do you stay close besides, you know, looking at each other and. Yeah. Like, what do you think are the key practices while you have kids?

[Unknown Speaker]

I feel like people have no excuse to not get a babysitter because if you can't afford it, find someone who will swap with you. There are other couples with kids who want to go on a date and just do a swap for free.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

Like go on dates every single month. I think once a month.

[Ally Bullock]

Or like what's, what's a, what's a good cadence.

[Unknown Speaker]

So I think every other week, but like one can be an at home date and one can be out date.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

Is what I would recommend. And then once a quarter, if it's possible. I know that's a stretch for a lot of couples. Go on A one night getaway. Yeah. Or a two night getaway.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

Right. So make sure you still have those little moments because that, I mean, that is a game changer.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah. That's. That's what's sustaining.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yes.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yes.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

Vacations are sustaining.

[Ally Bullock]

They are. You heard it here first. You've seen Lauren's Instagram. They sustain her. I have another question going in kind of a different direction. Like, when trust is broken, what can be done, you know, in a small way and then in a big way when maybe there's been infidelity? Like, I don't know, what. How do you rebuild?

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah.

[Ally Bullock]

Can you rebuild?

[Unknown Speaker]

You can. And it's something you have to remember is it's not like you had 100% trust and then you had zero. You just didn't know that you had zero before. And what I mean is, like, you're never going to get back to 100% trust.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

Because no one has 100% trust. That's. That's intangible. You can't have that. Like, no one.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Even if nothing bad has ever happened in your relationship, you still. No one has it.

[Unknown Speaker]

No one has it.

[Ally Bullock]

And you don't live in your partner's mind.

[Unknown Speaker]

Right. And so you're not going to get back to that thing. It's not like magically you're going to be fine again. You just have to learn to live with some discomfort and not being able to control things. And that's really scary. But if your partner, you can tell when someone is like, repentant. Right. If your partner has been really open and honest about the breach of trust, even if it's hard to build it back up again, you know that you're on a good path.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

It's when they've reached your trust and then they kind of dismiss it, or they say it's not a big deal, or it happens 10 more times, then it's like, okay, we're not really going to heal from this.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I also think it's like, how do they operate in business? How do they operate, like, within other areas of their life? Like, is integrity something that's important to them? Or. Or are they comfortable with lying? And, like, you can assess how they treat other people. Like, are they comfortable, like cheating a restaurant out of something if they get it for free or something? Like, what is their commitment to having scruples so true?

[Unknown Speaker]

Oh, my gosh.

[Ally Bullock]

I just thought of a very funny story, but I. When we were during Christmas break, we went to Walmart and I was buying Gifts for our, like, nieces and nephews. And I'd put some stuff in a box that I was buying, and I literally. And then we checked out, and the box. They hadn't checked out what was inside the box.

[Unknown Speaker]

Okay.

[Ally Bullock]

And in my head, I'm like, whatever. Walmart's rich. Like, they don't need the extra $20. And then I had this. I had this, like, 90 seconds of terror. Not terror, but just of like, okay, well, I can't tell Ben that I fucking just stole from Walmart because he's gonna make me. He's gonna make me go back. So then I'm like, we're walking out, and I'm like. I'm like, I don't think they saw. What was the nail polish that was in the box. I'm like, do you think we need to go back? And he's like, we need to go back.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Ally Bullock]

And anyway, it was a moment where I was like. I had so much love for him in that moment because I was like, your instincts. I'm like, I'm gonna cry. Your instincts are good. Your instincts are honesty. Your instincts are kind. And so. Sorry if that's an annoying story to share, but I just. That that's what it reminded me of. Where it's like, you know, your partner and what are their instincts? Have they made mistakes? Yes. But where are their instincts?

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah, I love that. I have really similar experience. I lived in Italy for a while, and you would get on these buses that were so crowded.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

And sometimes, you know, we would hop on. Couldn't even make it to the spot where you pay and then just hop off before the next one. And I told my husband that once, and he was like, you didn't pay for your ticket? And I was like, you're a good person.

[Ally Bullock]

Yes.

[Unknown Speaker]

Right.

[Ally Bullock]

It's like. It's a good moment, you know, it's like. It's. Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I remember I got a panicked phone call from our older sister, Ash, one time when I was in college, and she was like, just so you know, to some people, if you don't put the grocery cart back, like, in where it's supposed to go, they will dump you immediately.

[Unknown Speaker]

Had this happen to her?

[Ryan Reynolds]

No, but she. I think, like, maybe it did. Or maybe she just, like, read something on Reddit about someone had that experience. But yeah, there are, like, certain, like, things about, like, how you live your everyday life that people have very serious opinions about. And it, like, will reveal everything.

[Ally Bullock]

No, and honestly, I'll reveal this about myself. I'm not always that person who puts the grocery cart back.

[Ryan Reynolds]

But, like, I'm just hope I'm happy when it doesn't hit another car.

[Ally Bullock]

Exactly. You know, when I'm just like, okay, I've kind it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

But.

[Ally Bullock]

But if you. Hopefully you're, you know, you should seek out a partner that makes you rise to the occasion a little bit more.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Makes you be a better person.

[Ally Bullock]

You're like, I want to put the grocery cart back because I want you to know that I'm a good person.

[Unknown Speaker]

And coming back to this idea of recovering after a breach of trust, something people don't know is that it's in your nervous system. Like when you are betrayed, you have a nervous system response. Fight, flight, freeze, whatever it is. And so anytime you bump up against that trigger again, you're going to have a similar response. And you have to do either therapy or like mindfulness work to work through those triggers.

[Ally Bullock]

Interesting.

[Unknown Speaker]

So people, maybe if it's a sexual breach of trust, you will tense up anytime. Then you go to be intimate with your partner.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

You have to just be aware of that and then do things like some deep breathing, et cetera, to help your body move through that. It doesn't mean every time you feel that sense of fright that something bad is happening again. You just have to do intentional work to move through that.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That's so interesting. Yeah, there's. There's also just this element of, like, when you've had a betrayal. I had a big betrayal when I was like 20 with my first boyfriend. And the thing that was scary about it was it was an ongoing betrayal the whole time we were together that I found out about. And you stop being able to, like, after that experience. I just didn't trust my own perceptions of other people. You know, like, you. You just are like, I. I don't know that I have the ability to discern if someone is being honest with me in any way. It's a very destabilizing experience. And so anyway, my heart goes out to anyone who's also been on that boat, but it. And it kind of like those things will stay with you, clearly.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah. So thank you so much for sharing that. I think the scariest part of a betrayal is exactly what you just said. The second guessing yourself and the shame that you feel with that. Like, I thought I was supposed to know.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Right, Right.

[Unknown Speaker]

And it's so scary.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Exactly.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah. Well, let's move on.

[Ally Bullock]

Thank you for. I feel I don't know that you've ever, like, shared that on podcast. And I Don't know, it's just. Thank you for being so vulnerable.

[Unknown Speaker]

Well, I actually think I brought it up quite a few times.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'm still not over it.

[Ally Bullock]

No, but it's just funny.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's like it gives you. It gives you, like, it like gives you trust issues with perfectly wonderful people who don't deserve you to be like w watch like looking over their shoulder. And I think that's just a lesson for like everything you do in life matters.

[Ally Bullock]

Yes.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And like if you betray someone, you're hurting their future partner.

[Ally Bullock]

Yes.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And anyway, that's so true.

[Ally Bullock]

Can we talk about in laws?

[Unknown Speaker]

Oh yeah.

[Ally Bullock]

How do you deal with difficult in laws? I think everybody deals with in law problems ranging from the big to small or from small to big. But yeah, what, what, what's your go to advice there? Like setting boundaries, getting your husband to enforce the boundaries.

[Unknown Speaker]

You have to be on the same team. Yeah, you definitely have to be on the same team. And it depends on the stage of the relationship too. Like if you are just dating someone and your parents have something to say about it, this is what I recommend that you sit down with them and you hear them out. One time you say, you've done me my whole life. I'm willing to hear what you have to say. Yeah, this one I'll take in the information. But the boundary is now that I've heard it, I'm going to make my decision and please don't bring it up again. So I do think you should respect the people that have known you your whole life. But set that boundary of I'm gonna make my choice and if you'd like to support this, great. If not, I already know what you think. When you are married, it's a lot trickier. My in law doesn't like me. So I really recommend couples talk to each other about it and have the partner who is the child of the in law who's upset or whatever be the main touch point. So like if, let's say my father in law didn't like me and he was being rude to me, I would have my husband have a conversation with him about how to treat me. Because that shows that like me and my husband are a team and he's going to stand up for our relationship, he'll speak for you, right?

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah. In a protective way.

[Unknown Speaker]

Right.

[Ryan Reynolds]

This is actually something Courtney also shared with me recently. It's like on them to facilitate that relationship and to protect you and to make sure that things are good there. And like it's, it's really their Responsibility. It's not your responsibility to make sure that everything with your in laws are always perfect.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah. And you have to be careful what you say too. Like you might have a mother in law call you and say, like, why doesn't. I'm just thinking of names. I'll just use Shawn. Why doesn't Shawn want to come to the family event? And if I throw him under the bus, if I'm like, oh, well, you know, he's, you know, just really anxious, that puts a wedge between me and him, I have to say. Like, we've decided together that he's not gonna come this time. Right, Right. And it's tricky because if it ends up being that there is something wrong with your partner, like it's hard line to figure out when do I get closer to my family and start moving away from my partner. But that's a whole other conversation about abuse and all this stuff. Right.

[Ally Bullock]

What would you say to someone who, you know, their in laws maybe have different beliefs or, you know, more conservative views of things. You know, and you want to be respectful of that, but you also want to live your own life and there, there's a little bit of tension that's created there because of it.

[Unknown Speaker]

Can I ask a follow up question?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yes.

[Unknown Speaker]

Is the tension when you're on their turf or your turf or both?

[Ally Bullock]

I think like just in general in this theoretical situation, they're coming to you with their disapproval and their concern.

[Unknown Speaker]

So they're.

[Ally Bullock]

So they're contacting you about it.

[Unknown Speaker]

Okay.

[Ally Bullock]

This also just might be too much. And we don't know.

[Unknown Speaker]

It's a really good question. It's a really good question. Because if it were like, if it were like a turf thing, like they were making comments to you when they were coming to visit you?

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

It'd be like, this is my life and I'm welcoming you in. And please don't make comments about this.

[Ally Bullock]

Right, Right.

[Unknown Speaker]

Versus if you're going to their turf.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And talking about inappropriate things.

[Ally Bullock]

Right.

[Unknown Speaker]

Then like maybe be more respectful, but just if they are not approving of what you do in general and they're coming to you with that, I would say have an open conversation with them. Like, I don't know if these people are open to it, but it's so vulnerable. But say like, I really want to be in your life. I really want to enjoy my time with you. I love your son. I love him so much and I love the parents he came from, but I feel really misunderstood.

[Ally Bullock]

Yes. Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

And can we talk about it?

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

Can we Talk about maybe why this is so bothersome to you. And if I choose to keep doing this, is this going to impact us?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Final question, which I think is very apropos for our current environment, but what do you do if you and your partner have very differing political beliefs?

[Unknown Speaker]

Love this question. I love it. When you zoom out, you probably share a lot of the same values. Right. I feel like no matter who people voted for, when you zoom out, they want some sort of autonomy, they want protections for the people that they love. Right. And so if this is your partner, figure out where you actually agree, even if you have different ways of getting there. That's step one.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker]

Step two is like limit the conversations that you have on this topic and decide together what sources are we allowed to bring to these topics? Like if my partner were very far right, I would say if you want to have a conversation about this, we have to agree on some news sources that you're bringing me information from. And same like I couldn't come in with a bunch of far left stuff. And so that you have productive conversations where you both feel like, okay, I can respectfully listen to what you're sharing, et cetera, and then limit those like 20 minutes or 30 minutes and don't let it take over.

[Ally Bullock]

Yeah. Find other places where you can connect and discuss and agree on things.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yes. And so really though, it's about the values. Like if, if you have completely different values, that was a red flag. You should have noticed at the beginning of your relationship.

[Ally Bullock]

Right.

[Ryan Reynolds]

But if you, if you don't. And maybe, maybe one partner has just changed their political views because a lot of people have changed their political views in the past 10 years. As things have evolved. I think that it's important to know there's an entire industry that works every day, makes a lot of money off making one side hate the other and the other side hate the other. Yeah. And if you can disengage from the doom scrolling, disengage from the fear mongering your eyeballs and your energy is being sucked into a vortex and used to make other people rich and like just disengage.

[Unknown Speaker]

Yeah. Yeah. Because honestly, you and your partner, unless you work in Washington, probably no crap about this stuff, you actually don't know anything wifi about it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yes.

[Ally Bullock]

So true.

[Ryan Reynolds]

This was so helpful.

[Ally Bullock]

This was like the most like touching and inspiring episode. You are just, you're a wealth of knowledge and it was just so lovely to have you here.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You're a treasure, Ali. Please share where people can find you. I know they're gonna want more.

[Unknown Speaker]

Thank you so much. Okay. This was so fun. So you can find me @relationshipsWithali is my handle. And then also airedapp is another handle where I put out content. And, yeah, that's where you can find me.

[Ally Bullock]

Amazing. I'm gonna download the app right now, right after this and make Ben do the same. Yeah, same.

[Unknown Speaker]

It's really, really cute. They actually, we just. I know this isn't going to be on because it's not Valentine's Day when you publish, but we did a Valentine's vision pack, question pack, so you can discover what the expectations are for Valentine's.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Day before it happens.

[Ally Bullock]

Is there a cash number you can put in there?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Love you guys so much. Thank you so much for listening. And we'll be back on Friday.

[Unknown Speaker]

Thank you.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Thank you. Bye.

[Ally Bullock]

Is this thing on? I'm Kaitlyn Bristowe, host of off the vine podcast, where I get real, maybe a little too real sometimes, with my friends and celeb guests from Bachelor Franchise and beyond. I'm talking guests like Jonathan Van Ness. Na na na na na na na.

[Unknown Speaker]

Na na na na na na na.

[Ally Bullock]

Nikki Glaser, Wells Adams, Elise Myers.

[Unknown Speaker]

Just like in this, like, business jacket. Like, I would love some tacos.

[Ally Bullock]

Heidi D'Amelio, Big Brother's Taylor Hale. I have to bring it up because it happened. And we're gonna get through it, what I do and so many more. So come hang out with us, hear ridiculous confessions and get a little vulnerable, because you know what? We're all just floating on this weird little planet together. Follow rate and review off the Vine Podcast. Wherever you listen to your podcasts, see what's screaming free all month long during Pluto TV's April.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Ghouls get your heart pounding with nightmare.

[Ally Bullock]

Fueling classics like Insidious and Bram Stoker's Dracula.

[Unknown Speaker]

Or test your nerves with haunting hits.

[Ally Bullock]

Like Urban Legend and Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. Pluto TV has hundreds of channels and thousands of terrifying movies live and on demand. Download Pluto TV on all your favorite.

[Unknown Speaker]

Devices and start streaming now.