Dr. Trish Leigh Podcast - Episode 151
Title: Are the Holidays Fueling Your Porn Habit?
Host: Dr. Trish Leigh
Date: December 11, 2024
Episode Overview
In this holiday-focused episode, Dr. Trish Leigh dives deep into why the holiday season is often a time of increased risk for porn relapse, unpacking the psychological, emotional, and neurobiological factors behind this phenomenon. Drawing from personal experiences and scientific evidence, she offers practical brain hacks and actionable strategies to not only prevent relapse but also build healthier, more joyful traditions and connections during the challenging weeks ahead.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
Increased Porn Use During the Holidays
- Statistical Spike: Dr. Leigh cites data from Pornhub, noting a reported 10% uptick in porn use on Christmas Day (02:08).
- "More porn use during the holidays. So one specific statistic is... more than a 10% uptick in porn use on Christmas Day."
- Why This Happens: Increased downtime, heightened stress, nostalgia, family dynamics, and alcohol all contribute to vulnerability for relapse.
1. Holiday Events: Stress, Connection, and Balance
- Too Many or Too Few Events: Both can trigger unhealthy coping.
- Dopamine and ‘Artificial Neutral’: Overcommitted schedules cause stress, leading the brain to crave high-dopamine activities like porn (05:21).
- “So if you put more events on your schedule, and now you're feeling more stressed out about it...you may be at risk to go back to get lots of dopamine to offset that stress.”
- Brain Hack: Only attend events that offer true pleasure, joy, or connection (serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin).
- “Your brain's looking for pleasure. You want to make sure you're adding holiday events that are going to bring you joy and pleasure... Connection—oxytocin.” (07:44)
- Personal Example: Dr. Leigh describes skipping an annual party she dislikes, instead planning a family horseback ride and a candlelight concert (11:36).
- "I've planned two events that I'm really looking forward to... and I've adiost one event for now that I do not want to go to."
2. Holiday Shopping and Overspending
- Financial Stress: Overspending can create long-lasting anxiety.
- Gift-Giving Strategies: Think about what truly brings happiness to the receiver; do not overspend to impress (15:30).
- “You want that gift to be something that brings them happiness, pleasure and connection to you.”
- Personal Anecdote: Hubs once gifted her an expensive bespoke experience she hasn't used yet, illustrating mismatched gifting approaches.
3. Stressful Family Dynamics
- Triggers: Family gatherings can surface old wounds.
- Emotional Intelligence: Dr. Leigh recommends setting boundaries and seeking joyful, manageable connections rather than overextending (18:19).
- “You have to approach and engage and resolve it for you. You don't even need any of the other players.”
- Personal Story: Shares a traumatic Christmas Eve event involving family conflict and how she learned to process and move forward (22:30), echoing the importance of addressing trauma head-on.
4. Alcohol and Disinhibition
- Amplifies Emotions: Alcohol reduces inhibitions, making outbursts or relapse more likely (30:06).
- “Alcohol will disinhibit you and what's on the inside will start coming out, and it will amplify it.”
- Alcohol as Relapse Trigger: The “hijacker” in your brain uses alcohol as a first step toward relapse (33:20).
- Memorable Story: Dr. Leigh recounts an infamous family party where, after a few drinks, she publicly yelled at her husband based on a random news story about “4-inch penises.” (35:09)
- “I start yelling at him at this party... that he has a 4 inch penis. Yes, that's true. In front of all of his brothers and sisters and his mom who does think I'm an angel.”
5. Grief and Nostalgia
- Holiday Loss: Missing loved ones can lead to self-soothing through unhealthy means (40:28).
- Ambiguous Grief: Talks about her oldest daughter’s estrangement, openly sharing the sadness and the importance of making new traditions.
- “Do I like it? No. Does it lead to grief and nostalgia? Definitely. But I choose to stay in a place of happiness, but not ignoring it, but making new traditions with the kids who want to be here.”
- Brain Hack: Acknowledge the grief, send loved ones peace, and focus on creating moments with those present (44:10).
6. Unrealistic Holiday Expectations and Comparative Thinking
- Perfection vs. Joy: Relates family stories about striving for “shiny” perfection, which leads to disappointment (47:30).
- “He wanted it recognized by other people… even if it was, it couldn't be recognized enough. This is part of neuroticism.”
- Brain Hack: Prioritize making memories and happiness, not appearances or “ticking boxes”.
7. Busy Schedules and Rushing
- Rushing Increases Risk: Overpacked schedules make it likelier to seek stress relief in unhealthy ways (51:45).
- Practice: If you add to your schedule, subtract something else; balance activity and downtime.
8. Travel
- Travel Stress: Airports, flights, and schedule disruptions can trigger cravings due to stress and boredom (54:55).
- "Traveling is very stressful on a nervous system. It inherently makes you want to self stimulate and self soothe."
- Brain Hack: Rest, schedule downtime, and avoid mindless screen scrolling.
9. Isolation
- The Hijacker’s Play: More downtime can tempt you to relapse (57:40).
- Healthy Alternatives: Fill time with genuine connections, hobbies, and new experiences. Example: learning to make bread, cappuccino art, and planning family activities.
- “Create healthy fantasy in your life of the things that you’re eager to do for pleasure in the real world. It works.”
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- On dopamine and porn:
“When you're at risk of going back into the screen for explicit matter, it's because of dopamine... Pornography does to your brain is it links you to the screen or high amounts of dopamine fast.” (05:40) - On facing trauma:
“You have to approach and engage and resolve it for you. You don't even need any of the other players... I can use this experience to grow even though they can’t do it with me.” (23:19) - On the 4-inch penis party story:
“I start yelling at him at this party and I keep screaming at him that he has a 4 inch penis. Yes, that's true. In front of all of his brothers and sisters.” (35:09) - On ambiguous (unsolvable) grief:
“You can send that person love and wish them well and hope that they come back to you. Pragmatic hope. The pragmatic part is you’re working on your emotional intelligence...” (44:44) - On creating new traditions:
“I'm making rainbows and unicorns out of it. So here's the idea: out of six kids, one doesn't want to participate. Now, of course I want them all to participate... but I choose to stay in a place of happiness." (42:16) - Guidance for listeners:
“Build a toolbox of healthy pleasure sources at healthy levels in your real life... Instead of isolating into the things I like to do by myself, I’m going to build time for connection.” (58:43) - On the growth journey:
“No challenge, no growth. That’s how it works. That’s why every time it happens, I say, here we grow again.” (60:15)
Timestamps for Important Segments
- 00:45 – Why holidays are higher-risk for relapse
- 02:08 – Porn use statistics during the holidays
- 07:44 – Brain hack for holiday events
- 11:36 – Example: Choosing events for pleasure/connection
- 15:30 – Gift giving and overspending strategies
- 18:19 – Navigating stressful family dynamics
- 22:30 – Handling and resolving personal trauma
- 30:06 – Alcohol as a disinhibitor and trigger
- 35:09 – Memorable “4 inch penis” family party story
- 40:28 – Grief and nostalgia during holidays
- 44:10 – Acknowledgement and strategy for ambiguous grief
- 47:30 – Unrealistic expectations and perfectionism
- 51:45 – Avoiding rushing and balancing your schedule
- 54:55 – Managing travel stress
- 57:40 – Coping with holiday isolation
- 58:43 – Filling downtime with hobbies and connection
- 60:15 – Embracing challenges for personal growth
Key Takeaways & Dr. Leigh's Brain Hacks
- Pause and Prioritize: Say yes only to events and activities that truly bring joy, pleasure, and connection.
- Accept Imperfection: Release the need for “shiny” holidays; focus on meaning, not appearance.
- Set Clear Boundaries: Plan beforehand how to handle stressful family interactions.
- Moderate Alcohol: Recognize it as a common relapse trigger and partake mindfully, if at all.
- Acknowledge Loss: Be honest about grief or nostalgia; create new traditions with those present.
- Manage Your Schedule: Don’t overcommit; subtract as you add.
- Plan for Travel: Schedule recovery time, rest, and avoid unhealthy dopamine sources.
- Combat Isolation: Fill downtime with healthy, pleasurable, and social activities.
- Approach and Engage: Don’t avoid or numb discomfort; growth comes from confronting challenges.
Final Message
Dr. Leigh encourages listeners to actively create a balanced holiday season filled with real joy, pleasure, and connection, instead of using unhealthy escapes. She offers support through her digital program for those needing additional tools, wrapping up with her trademark:
“Control your brain or it'll control you.” (61:15)
Useful Links:
- pornbrainprevention.org: For donation and outreach
- drtrishleigh.com: Commit to Quit program with promo code “commit100”