← Dr. Trish Leigh Podcast
Dr. Trish Leigh Podcast
Episode #201: Family of Origin Dysfunction: Why Going Home Dysregulates Your Brain
00:19:22
Loading summary
Transcript1 lines
- [00:00]
A
Okay. If you're going home for the holidays and it's leaving you anxious, exhausted, or feeling like you're 12 years old again, there is a neurological reason for that. Being around your family of origin activates the oldest wiring in your nervous system. Patterns built up long before you had adult self regulation. So, my friend, this is a massive opportunity for growth for you. Welcome back to another episode of the podcast with me, me, Dr. Trish Leigh. Today we are talking about why your family triggers you, what is happening inside your brain, and how to stay regulated even when every single person around you is not right. Welcome to the holiday edition of the podcast. Holidays can provide the most beautiful growth opportunities, and I know I have been accused of extending that term to places it shouldn't be extended to, but this is your chance, my friend. When you feel all that old junk come up now, you can deal with it in a different way. It reminds me of one of the coolest books I've ever read. It's called Set Boundaries, Find Peace. And I've been thinking about a line where the author writes, you can't set healthy boundaries if you don't first acknowledge what's making you uncomfortable. The holidays bring out that discomfort. But front and center, your family of origin is the first environment where your earliest emotional patterns were formed. And many of those patterns weren't exactly healthy. And in those patterns, when you walk into your home, your mom's house or your brother's house, or even if they come to your house, those patterns can come to the surface instantly. So what we're talking about here is before your brain gets hijacked by your interactions with your family of origin, as we call it in the business, you are going to take control of your brain. So first, let's discuss what is the hijack that happens when you see your family? It can really trigger your nervous system. Your family of origin created your first neural pathways, or at least it used to be like that until screens came on the scene, and we'll talk about that later. But it becomes your earliest identity loop. So when you walk into that house, your brain doesn't just see the present of this Christmas or this holiday season. It sees the past. Old roles can come back online super quick. The fixer, the achiever, the invisible one, the peacemaker, the scapegoat. But like I already said, now you have the opportunity to do something new. Your system may react before you even know what's happening. We've got to catch this, right? So this isn't just about emotional immaturity. Even Though it can play a role. It's about neurological conditioning and it kind of reminds me of my daughter Saoirse rides horses and she sent me this really cool video of her friend's horse and it was going through desensitization training and the horse was on a lunge line kind of running around and someone was firing a gun. And the firing of the gun was to desensitize the horse from trigger. So it doesn't spook if it hears a loud noise during a show. We're talking about that this holiday season, desensitization training to a certain extent so that you can show up differently. And yes, your family's going to benefit from this, but guess who's going to benefit from it the most? You are. So I want you to know if you feel stress or anxiety or you don't want to go to that family party, there is some old neurological conditioning in there and it's time to update it. So let's talk about the mis wire in your brain that happens. What's actually happening in your core brain function during these holiday gatherings is, number one, there's limbic system reactivity. When you're regulated, that involves responding, not reacting. So when I said that you might actually feel this taking you over before you are actively making choices, that's a reaction. It is the conditioning. But when you pause, you can take control of it, especially if you're more self aware. Emotional intelligence or maturity, it involves being more self aware then self regulating. After that is social relationship awareness, then social relationship management. This is what you get to do differently this year. So if you feel that reactivity, take a breath. We are not reacting anymore. We are responding intentionally. That alone will change a lot of things for you. And I have a story coming up in just a minute. Let's talk about a couple other ways this miswiring happens. Emotional memories activate old patterns instantly, especially when the interactions feel so similar. Every time I go home and interact with my siblings, even though I love them if they're listening, is that, you know, there are a lot of old patterns still playing out in the very same way. I've upgraded my programming so much that when my programming goes back into that pattern of old programming, it there can be an incongruency there. So, you know, these emotional memories can activate those old patterns and threaten to give my software update a glitch. The threat circuits can turn on. I don't know about you, but I've had some traumatic experiences with my family of origin. So, you know, when some stuff, when I walk in the room, my threat circuits light up because there has not always been safety and security in that circle. So you can take a breath, take a pause, take a beat, and especially have a plan so that you can turn those circuits down and fire up your prefrontal cortex so you can make intentional decision to do differently. And we will talk about that. So it can even fire up. You know, looking at neutral comments that feel loaded, sometimes they are loaded. There's a lot of passive aggressiveness in my family. But when those comments come, they're not about you, they're about the other person. And when you know that they can just bounce off you, you also may experience identity regression. That happened to me for a long time. I just visited my family. I'm not going home for the holidays, but I was just there visiting them about a month ago. And I made it my business. I didn't let anybody come with me because we went back in the summer. I made it my business to just spend time with my parents. I sat there for like eight hours on Friday, eight hours on Saturday, went out with my sisters each night. I saw my brothers. But, you know, you can regress to. I know I told you this before. My whole family calls me Trisha, which honestly is a trigger in and of itself. I don't even know why, but they call me Trisha. And I said to my sister maybe two years ago, I'm like, when did I become Trish? You know, why does everybody call me Trisha? When did I become Trish? And she basically answered like, you know, the moment I started to outgrow them, I guess, or the moment I started to get into personal transformation. I must have done that very symbolically to myself, like, that's the old version of yourself. Who I always felt like the black sheep. Still do, but now I think black is white, if you know what I mean. You know, so that identity regression, sometimes, man, everybody's calling me Trisha and they're treating me the way that I allowed them to treat me back when I was Trisha. Because I'm, you know, obviously I'm there for two days. I'm not going to try to shift their entire beings. So there can be some identity regression if you don't have healthy boundaries set around it. Your adult self can be overridden by your child self if your adult self identity isn't strong enough. And I've worked on that for a long time. My adult self is now rock solid. And I basically proved it to my adult self the last time I was There because I had a really nice time. I wasn't triggered. There was a lot going on that could have allowed that to happen like it did in the past. Actually, my sister was losing it a bit because of my, my mom in particular, my parents. She was losing it and was being triggered. And I'm like, oh, it is so refreshing to not experience all that triggering. And I'll tell you about that in a minute. Boundary collapse, you know, especially when you're in an old environment and maybe as a child you weren't able to set these boundaries with your parents in particular or with your siblings, then those boundaries collapse and it's your job to keep them up. Okay? Stored wiring overrides your conscious intention. So you might go in with the intention to act differently. But that old wiring, those old neural pathways might fire up due to, you know, we know it's nature, nurture and navigation. Meaning that brains don't fall far from the tree and they actually attune when they're in the same home. So when you get out of that environment, your, your nature, your, your neurophysiology can literally change just because you're not in that same family pool anymore. And the environment, that's nature, nurture, nurtures the environment. You get yourself into a different environment with different people and different interactions happen. The navigation is now you start to do things differently, but now you go back into that old environment with those people with the same old neural patterning that you had. And that conscious intention can be overridden by that old wiring. So having a plan and then having steps to make sure this plan happens can be very important. Plus there's the good old fashioned energetic drain. I'm very careful when I go to visit my parents. I always work out, so I'm chit chatting with them. Then I go for a run, I chit chat with them. Man, was it cold when I just went. But being around dysregulated people can really drain your ability to regulate because you have to regulate so much more. But this is what I want you to know. Your family of origin can be one of the most powerful triggers of mis wired neural circuits. So if you're feeling that it's because it's actually happening, but you can overcome it. So when I work with people in my brain mapping program, I can see that miswiring. I can see if they have strained brain, a brain that's running too fast and too slow, drain brain, a brain that's easily overwhelmed. I can see if those shutdown patterns are there and I can see if they have even fired up even more because they're around their family. That happens. That nature nurture navigation piece can make it so that you become overwhelmed at holiday time when you are around your family of origin. My goal for you is that you get into the green zone and you learn how to stay there. You learn how to be your adult regulated self and it doesn't get pushed offline. No matter how many buttons a person around you is pushing. The brain map shows that. So if you are struggling, I want you to know you can see it with your own eyes. It's true. And I get to show it to you. Okay, now let's talk about the rewire. What your brain actually needs during these family gatherings to help you so that they don't push you over the edge is a pre regulation ritual. Prep your system, get it as calm as possible. When I travel and honestly this is why I wouldn't let the hubs come or the kids because I said to my husband I you're going to want to run around, you're going to want to go see your mom, we just saw her. You're going to want to meet all the friends from Buffalo. You're going to want to run around. I need to just be able to chill with my parents without you wanting to go anywhere. And I definitely didn't need any kids there who didn't want to be there. We all went back as a family a few months ago. That was it. The hubs. He had like 30 minutes with my parents and he wanted to be out and the kids didn't want to be there at all. So this time I went by myself. I did a pre regulation ritual. I chilled myself out on my flight there. I was ready to roll regulate you before they try to dysregulate you. Because if you are in fact more regulated, your baseline is in a better spot. So make sure you're calm. De stress yourself, get yourself in a good spot, then set micro boundaries. One of the micro boundaries I do is I put breaks in the middle of all of my interactions when I go there, I make sure I get time alone. Give yourself time limits, give yourself pauses, Give yourself physical space. That's what the really cold run did in Buffalo. Man, was it cold. Give yourself neutral exits so that you can give yourself time to reregulate yourself if you are in a situation that is dysregulating. If you feel triggered, pull yourself back into reality and tell yourself in your mind or go to the bathroom and tell yourself it as A sensory break, which is the next thing that I am safe. I'm an adult. I choose my identity. I know who I am. I don't need all of these people's approval, you know, because like I said, there's some passive aggressiveness, like, you know, I'm being mocked while I'm being praised. You know, it's very confusing to me because I don't do it. I'm a very transparent communicator. So I'm like, was that a compliment or was that a dig? It actually was both. So when that happens, it's like, that's okay, you know, that's, that is fine. But then I give myself breaks. You go to the bathroom, you get a little bit of a reset. Take a phone call outside. Talk to somebody who helps you feel better. Get a breath of fresh air out there. Even if you can see your breath while you're doing it. All of these things can help you reset. Stay present. While you're there, don't go on your phone. You don't want to be miswiring your brain through dopamine spikes to, you know, soothe the fire of all the dysregulation. Move your body. Then when you're done spending time with your family, give yourself an aftercare ritual, a bath. You know, I'm the hugest fan of baths with Epsom salts and essential oils and spa music and candles. Quiet warmth, decompression. It stabilizes your nervous system after you have been triggered. Don't soothe it with fast dopamine with sugar, with alcohol, with marijuana, with video games, with social media. Instead, what we're doing is healthy, slow dopamine. Okay, so let me give you your brain hack for the day. Your brain hack strategy is when you are at a holiday party or you're visiting somebody, this is what you're going to do. You're going to look for what dysregulates you. You're going to become aware of it, you're going to increase your self awareness. This will help you. Then you name it. When you name it, you're putting it out there. I'm going to give you the example. So when I just went home, my mom asked me if I would sleep at her house and I kindly told her no. I'd already made arrangements to sleep at my sister's house and, and we're going to hang out at night. And she goes, I thought you could hang out at here at night. I said, I'm going to be hanging out with you all day and evening. And then I'M going to go hang out with the sisters at night, and you'll already be relaxing or going to bed. So that was a no on the phone before I went, right? So then I get there, and she asked me again, I have to hold the boundary. Now, this is what I'm talking about. I set the boundary. No. And why? Done. Old me would have said yes, by the way. Old me would have went, okay. And then I would have had resentment, and then I would have complained about it the whole time. Instead, I said no, and I was feeling like a rock star. But no. Setting the boundary isn't the hard part. It's challenging. Holding the boundary is the hard part. I get there. She asked me again. I'm like, oh, no, I've already made plans. I'm going to go with Amy. And then she goes, well, how are we going to get dinner? This is just a test of the boundary, right? So I said, I'll get us dinner. So I went. Actually, one other thing happened before I went. Then my sisters came over and we're hanging out and. And then we were going to go to. It was at Halloween. We were going to this really cool thriller flash mob, which, if you know me, I'm a huge fan of flash mobs. I've always wanted to do one. So someday when you see a video of me, you'll know why. But we go to this flash mob, and we were making the plan to go, and my mom goes, how are we going to get dinner? And I said. I already said, I will get us all dinner. And, well, I don't know if we'll have enough food. And I said, you definitely will have enough food. I'm going to make sure you have enough food. And I went. And I got triple the amount of food. Like, literally enough food to feed an army. Because that was the way she was trying to test the boundary. So I just got triple extra. I got it for everybody there. Plus there was tons of leftovers. Now there's nothing but food. And I went back the next morning, honestly, probably later than she wanted me to. But still, I was having coffee with my sister and her husband. I'm like, ma is going to be so mad because she definitely wants me over there by now. But you know what? I'm like, I'm enjoying my time with them. I'm not going to cut it short. So become aware. Set the boundary that makes you feel good. You're an adult now. You choose where you sleep. You choose when you come and go. And you can do it compassionately and empathetically. And then you gotta hold that boundary, even when it's tested anywhere between two and a hundred times. And you can do it compassionately, you can do it strategically. Then when my mom was making those comments, I was not annoyed at all because I'd already done that. My sister was getting so miffed. She was getting so frustrated. We leave there and she was like, spiraling. And that's when I said to her, oh, feels so good not to be spiraling right now. So try that. Become aware of the thing that tweaks you out. Make a plan of how you're going to set a boundary. Be prepared to hold it. Celebrate. Celebrate the small wins. Because I felt like a rock star. And I hope you do, too. All right. If you are stuck in old loops, and especially if you go to your holiday party with your family and you come out of the holiday season feeling absolutely destroyed and drained and tired and still stuck in those old loops and you find yourself soothing with the screen or explicit matter and you don't feel like the rock star version of yourself, and you don't praise how calm you were and how much you enjoyed your time, even though everybody was doing their things, call me, go to my website, drtrishleigh.com schedule a meeting with me and we can discuss it and then we can see in your brain map, if you're up for it, what's going on in there and how I can help you get to the Green Zone. All right. I really hope you have a beautiful holiday. This can really be an enjoyable time of year with your family of origin. So happy holidays. And as always, control your brain or it'll control you. I'll see you soon in the new year.