by Elinor Jones

Listen up, fives: another five is talking. She's me, Elinor Jones. Welcome to the Trash Report! How are you? Personally, I'm experiencing an all-encompassing rage that is weirdly manifesting as extreme silliness. You know that dance we did as kids where you try to keep your head in one spot while the rest of your body flails around? That's what I feel like is happening with me. If my column is dumber than usual, I've got great news: dumb is the new normal. Put on your helmets, it's time to dig in the trash!

Trump Trash

President Joe Biden met with former and future president DJ Tromp to ensure a peaceful transfer of power which Biden famously never got. "We will do everything in our power to prevent the fascist Trump from a dangerous second term" changed to "here are the keys, buddy, there's gas in the tank, have fun!" awfully fucking fast! If he's not going to make Tormp feel unwelcome back in Washington, couldn't the Bidens' bitey dogs at least have made an appearance? Maybe (hopefully!) they were dumping out in hidden corners of the residence where the turds won't be found for a while and the whole place stinks of dogshit when Donathan moves back in. Gone are the days of a harmless prank like Clinton staffers pranking Bush Jr. by removing the Ws from computer keyboards; I want dogshit hidden in every desk drawer in that goddamn building. Put sugar in all the salt shakers so the McDonalds fries are bad. Shortsheet the beds. Put bouncy snakes in all the mustard jars in the kitchen. Upperdeck all the toilets. Maybe he can't do the fascism if someone puts a bunch of cups of water on the floor in front of the Oval Office door? Operation Kevin McAlister: GO.

Cabinet announcements have been rolling out at a steady clip, each one sillier than the last. Elon Musk is very involved in these conversations, and in fact, Trump announced that he will create a new Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE, barf) that Musk himself will co-chair with Vivek Ramaswamy. Creating a new department to fix bloated departments is a hilariously bad idea. Could Musk do to the federal government what he did to Twitter, by which I mean make it so toxic and shitty that everyone cool leaves, and those cool people create new places that are way better? Fine by me! I'd love to live in a country like this one but better. (BTW, I finally officially shut down my Twitter; find me on Bluesky: elinorjoneser.)

Blah-ttorney General

One of the more rascally of his appointment selections is Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz for Attorney General. Gaetz has been under investigation by the House Ethics Committee due to allegations of sex trafficking and having sex with a minor. Speaker of the House Mike Johnson doesn't want the report to come out, claiming "This is not the way we do things," which is a very cuck liberal turn of phrase. Like, hey buddy, that OUR ineffectual way of doing nothing. Republicans think suddenly they get to be the norm-heads? Nice try! Also, if there were rumors going around that you committed drug and sex crimes involving a minor, and a report could exonerate you, wouldn't you want that report released? I know I would! It's not a good look for Matt Gaetz, a man who already looks very, very bad just by having the face that he does.

The other day when the Wordle was uvula, which was truly a psychotic choice, my brother was telling me how he'd rather have Matt Gaetz stay at his house than attempt to solve that specific wordle ever again. And I was like, "you're not a teen girl, you'd be fine having Matt Gaetz at your house." He conceded this point, but we both agreed that Matt Gaetz would be the kind of guest to bring shitty beer and ask for your special occasion whiskey, and would also fuck up the bathroom. Congrats, future AG, there is absolutely nothing in our current timeline that makes me think this will actually be stopped.

Sexy Men

People magazine last week announced this year's Sexiest Man Alive, and it's none other than former Office star John Krasinksi. It's not that Krasinski is undeserving, it's more just like - huh? While this would have done it for me when I was in mid mid-20s and any lanky boy with floppy hair and a smirk could undo me, this isn't really where we are right now. Besides, if they are going to revisit early 2000's network TV stars they at least could have given us Seth Cohen/Adam Brody.

Several other sexy men rounded out the list, including Selena Gomez's beau, producer Benny Blanco. Benny got dragged a bit online for saying he liked to smell. At least that's what the headlines reduced it to. What he actually said is that he likes to have a distinctive scent, so that when he walks by someone, they know it's him, which I agree is very hot! Be hygienic and clean, of course, and tastefully use scented your products, but also, please give us those pheromones, fellas! We aren't wearing your sweatshirts because we like your shitty college; we want to smell YOU. There's a reason Selena Gomez always looks so gaga for him when they're photographed together and it's because she's in a constant state of being Bugs Bunny floating through the air in a heavenly aroma cloud, straight into bed with Benny Blanco.

Back to men on TV: former Family Matters star Jaleel White said that in later seasons of the show he was told to wear looser jeans as Steve Urkel because his mondo hog was too noticeable. Some day you might find yourself in a conversation when Family Matters comes up, and I want you to have this factoid in your pocket.

Sports Trash

Netflix just streamed a highly-hyped fight between boxing legend Mike Tyson and Four Loko-personified internet goon Jake Paul. You know how non-sports people will always be like, I just hope both teams have fun? This is like that, but opposite. I hope they both had a bad time. And it sound like they did. It's things like this that make me think how much the internet is a mistake. Jake Paul could have lived a happy life as the most coked-out dude at any sports bar challenging strangers to arm-wrestling, but he accidentally got famous on YouTube and now he's all of our problem.

Eat the Rich, Locally

Sometimes I sort Redfin by price (high-low) just to gawk, and check out this beast in SW Portland for sale for 8.5 million dollars. It's a colorless glass and cement cube that wants to be Tony Stark, but is actually giving high-end bowling alley. What I love most about the listing is how the slideshow shows, like, two dozen giant televisions tuned to Blazers games, but then you get to the master bedroom, and it's a performance of Leann Rimes. So if you need a glass prison in which to enjoy Blazers games mostly but Leann Rimes concerts intimately, and you're rich, check it out. I'm not really into sports, so if you have a party, you'll find me in the soft country room always.

This paper has a REAL PRINT ISSUE out now! I put out a best-of-the-year Trash Report, like I do. What's funny about it is that due to print deadlines, the wrap-up stops in late October, and isn't that how we should all look back on 2024, really? Like, November? Never heard of her...