STOP Saying "How Are You?": How We Waste Our Best Chances to Build Meaningful Connections

Summary

Power Hour Optometry Podcast Summary

Episode: STOP Saying "How Are You?": How We Waste Our Best Chances to Build Meaningful Connections

Host: Eugene Schottzman

Guest: Bart Foster

Date: July 17, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode explores the shortcomings of the habitual "How are you?" opener in both professional and personal settings, particularly in optometry practices. Eugene Schottzman and his guest, Bart Foster—an expert in executive forums and connection-building—unpack why surface-level conversations prevent meaningful relationships, trust, and, ultimately, top performance in business and patient care. They share actionable frameworks and examples for replacing routine exchanges with powerful, open-ended questions that foster vulnerability, community, and authentic trust.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Problem with "How Are You?"

• "How are you?" is a conversational dead end—triggering automatic, non-informative replies (“Good. Fine. Okay.”) and stunting genuine connection.
  • (Eugene, 00:18): "It might be one of the worst questions that we can ask if we actually want to build a connection because we've been conditioned to follow a psychological pattern, give an automatic answer, return the question, move on without learning anything meaningful about the person."
• In optometry and leadership, trust derived from meaningful connection leads to better recommendations, smoother teamwork, and higher performance.

Bart Foster's Executive Forum Experience

• Bart facilitates confidential executive forums, drawing on 12+ years in organizations like YPO (Young Presidents’ Organization).
• During COVID, he launched virtual forums for eye care execs craving connection and peer learning. Now, forums form a community of ~100 diverse executives who gather to deepen both business and personal growth.
• Key Value: Forums seek the “5%” of conversations—that is, those rare, deeply vulnerable disclosures that push beyond the “70%” (idle chit-chat) safety zone.
  • (Bart, 08:47): “70% of the conversations we have are right in the middle...When you get outside of that 70%, 10% on each side...you get to a feeling and an emotion...And then the tail…we rarely go to. That’s the 5%. Trauma…imposter syndrome…in forum we try to get to these 5% updates.”

The Power of Better Questions

• Foster encourages moving from surface exchanges to thoughtful, open-ended questions that elicit emotion or reflection.
  • (Bart, 12:55): “What's a peak moment of your life? And why was it...Who was a person who made a big impact on you at a fork in the road? What did they say?”
• Good questions spark both self-reflection and engaging conversations:
  • “What is a conversation you’ve been putting off that you know you need to have?”
  • “How do we raise kids so they don’t feel entitled?”
• Questions don’t have to be heavy:
  • “What’s a recent AI discovery you’ve made?”
  • “What’s giving you energy these days?”

Pattern Interrupts: Shifting Conversation in Everyday Life

• Pattern-breaking responses can disrupt habitual scripts and foster connection:
  • (Bart, 15:56): “I'm actually, I'm exhausted and I'm a little frustrated, and here's why. And you have to tailor…you don't want to just floodlight somebody, but you're breaking a pattern…Anytime you break a pattern, you get more attention.”
• Example for optometrists: Instead of “How are you?” ask, “What’s giving you energy right now?” or “What have you celebrated recently?”

Practical Application in Practice and Team Meetings

• Deeper questions build trust with both patients and staff, increasing the likelihood of genuine disclosure, cooperation, and following recommendations.
  • (Eugene, 17:29): “It gets the person talking about what matters to them much faster...you might build a deeper relationship.”
• Suggested team meeting openers:
  • “What’s your favorite gift as a child—now, what about a non-material gift?”
  • “What’s something outside of work that’s bringing you joy?”
  • “Describe in detail your perfect day.”
  • “What’s a small win you had outside of work?”

Insights Gleaned from Forum Questions

• On raising non-entitled kids: Model fiscal values, nurture accountability, introduce conversations about money early, and emphasize gratitude.
  • (Bart, 18:13): “If you are frugal...your kids pick up on that...A lot of it came down to communication…age appropriate conversations about money...relationship with money and what money allows you to do...”
• On experiencing joy: Asks execs when they last felt pure joy. Answers ranged from recent uplifting experiences to emotional realizations of being too “heads down” to notice joy.
  • (Bart, 23:04): “Some people…it was last week…I saw the sunrise, and my daughter was there…Other people would say, I don’t remember the last time, and...would have a tear because…they’ve just got their head down and are working.”

The Value of Community

• A confidential peer community allows for real talk and peer learning, which surpasses passive consumption of content.
  • (Bart, 25:13): “The wisdom's not on the stage, it’s in the room…That’s where the magic is. And that’s why forum is so powerful.”

Traits of Successful Leaders Identified Through Forums

• Growth mindset
• Attitude of abundance, not scarcity
• Curiosity, not judgment [sharp distinction]
  • (Bart, 27:27): “Curiosity, not judgment...When someone says something you don’t agree with...just say, 'Huh. I wonder why she believes that.'...We’ll learn more about each other and ourselves when we have curiosity.”
• Willingness to be vulnerable (distinct from merely being authentic)
  • Authenticity: Living in alignment with one’s core values.
  • Vulnerability: Sharing truths, even if risky, to open doors to connection.
  • (Bart, 29:09): “Authenticity is being true to yourself and your values...Vulnerability…is being able to share that, even that, because that’s not normal...That’s where trust is built.”

The Performance Chain: Connection → Trust → Performance

• The more connected a team, the higher mutual trust—the key to sustainable high performance.
  • (Bart, 31:41): “If we’re connected...we’re going to trust...If we have trust, we’re going to perform better as a team...I say trust is going to drive performance and the way we build that is having deeper connections.”

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Memorable Quotes & Notable Moments

• On the “How are you?” problem:
  • “It might be one of the worst questions that we can ask if we actually want to build a connection.” – Eugene, 00:18
• On 5% conversations:
  • “…in forum we try to get to these 5% updates. And we can only do it if we have this level of trust and confidentiality. But that's where the magic is.” – Bart, 08:47
• On breaking patterns:
  • “Just pause for even a second, even a second and a half. And it'll catch them off guard…just say, actually, I'm feeling really reflective right now. Or I'm really energized and let me tell you why.” – Bart, 15:53
• On curiosity vs. judgment:
  • "We’re going to learn more about each other and ourselves when we have curiosity, not judgment." – Bart, 27:27
• On living by design:
  • “How do we flip the script and have life happen by us? Here’s what I value, here’s what I love to do...I’m going to create a life that allows me to live that way.” – Bart, 43:36
• On personal value statements:
  • “I value personal freedom, which allows me to live an active and healthy life full of adventure. I will build authentic and loving relationships with friends and family. I fulfill myself through curiosity, personal growth, and lifelong learning.” – Bart, 44:23
• On changing business culture:
  • “It’s really difficult to teach values. It’s much easier to teach skills.” – Eugene, 50:47
• On the heart of success:
  • “In order to succeed at business, what we have to do is succeed at the human connection first.” – Eugene, 54:42

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:18 – Introduction of main theme: the limits of “How are you?” and framing better questions.
• 03:51 – Bart’s background and the development of executive forums.
• 08:40 – Explanation of the “70%-10%-5%” bell curve of conversation depth.
• 12:17 – Examples of impactful questions that create connection.
• 15:53 – How to break the auto-reply pattern in everyday situations.
• 17:05 – Sample replacement questions for optometry practice and patient care.
• 18:13 – Insights on raising non-entitled children.
• 21:56 – Sharing challenges and the payoff of vulnerability in forums.
• 23:04 – Forum reflections on recent experiences of pure joy.
• 25:13 – The irreplaceable value of peer community.
• 27:27 – Traits of top leaders: curiosity, vulnerability, growth mindset.
• 29:09 – Authenticity vs. vulnerability, and why both matter.
• 31:41 – The foundational role of trust in organizational performance.
• 36:19 – How positive, emotion-based questions build patient and team trust.
• 39:24 – Brainstorming real questions for team meetings.
• 43:36 – Living life by design—aligning schedule and choices with personal values.
• 44:23 – Bart’s personal value statement as a model.
• 51:58 – Why knowing your team’s values deepens mutual coaching and trust.
• 54:42 – Summing up: Business success is rooted in authentic human connection.

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Takeaways & Action Steps

• For Optometrists & Practice Leaders: Ditch the “How are you?” default. Replace it with questions that surface emotions, stories, or recent experiences.
• With Patients: Try, “What are you celebrating these days?” or “What’s something you’re proud of this year?”
• With Teams: Start meetings with meaningful prompts––positive, non-work-related questions that invite storytelling and sharing.
• For Self and Team Development: Create and share personal value statements; let them guide decisions, priorities, and cultural hiring.
• For Leadership Growth: Foster an environment where curiosity is prized over judgment and vulnerability is modeled at the top, creating space for deep trust.

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Further Resources

• For the personal values exercise, see show notes (as referenced by Bart, ~47:00).
• Learn more about Bart Foster’s “Business Outside” approach to building connections: www.powerpractice.com

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This summary offers evidence and real-world strategies for replacing meaningless small talk with real connection—transforming patient care, team dynamics, and business results through the power of better questions and purposeful living.

Transcript

[A]

Foreign. Optometry's biggest and longest running show. I'm your host, Eugene Schottzman, and let me start by asking you a question today. How are you? And did you immediately think something like, good? Okay, fine. So this is the problem. How are you? Is this common question that we often start conversations with? That's our common first impression. Whether we're walking into a patient room, whether we're meeting with our team, whether we're meeting with somebody important. That's one of the first questions we often ask. And it might be one of the worst questions that we can ask if we actually want to build a connection because we've been conditioned to follow a psychological pattern, give an automatic answer, return the question, move on without learning anything meaningful about the person. So my guest today is Bart Foster, and he helped me unlock this for me, myself, and I hope that he does this for you because he's built a career around helping leaders work through these and break through these surface level conversations. Bar works closely with executives in the eye care industry. He creates environments where people can better ask questions and ask better questions, also become vulnerable and build genuine relationships and connections. This is really interesting, and he talks a lot about how he got into it, but the framework that we kind of uncover during this episode is simple but pretty, pretty powerful. Better questions create connection. Connection creates trust, and trust drives performance. And whether that performance is something that applies to your team, your employees, your business partners, or just patients sitting in the chair, you want to build trust because people who trust you are more likely to take your recommendations or more likely to be easier to work with. So we talk about how to break through the conversational patterns and ask questions that people actually want to answer and create the kind of trust that changes how your teams and your patient relationships respond to your. To your daily conversations. So before we jump in, make sure that you're subscribed on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. And if you have questions, ideas, feedback, please reach out to me directly@eugene shotsman.com and now, here's today's Power Hour. Bart Foster, welcome to the Power Hour. So excited to have you as a guest.

[B]

Thanks, Eugene. Yeah, it's good to be here.

[A]

All right, so I think the premise for today's conversation is that you have one of the most interesting jobs, or I guess, businesses, careers, career trajectories that I know. And one of the most interesting elements of your job that you have now is that you get to have conversations with executives all over the eye care industry on a monthly basis, because they're all clients of yours. And you get this unique opportunity, which I'll ask you to describe to folks in a little bit. But you get this unique opportunity to zoom in deep, deep, deep into the lives, personal and professional, of executives from all over the industry. And the coolest part is that because you're part of so many conversations, you get to see where people are heading, where they're, what they're thinking, what the mood is like, what they're worried about in their business, what they're worried about in their personal lives. And to me, that's such an interesting perspective to kind of wake up and go to work with every single day. And so that's really what I want to talk about. But maybe to give people a little bit of perspective, just a little bit of context, let's spend two minutes talking about what business outside is, and then also how these forums that you host all kind of came to be.

[B]

Yeah, I think forum. So I was in a YPO forum, so Young presidents organization, and you would meet once a month for four hours, and you would meet with other CEOs, and you would share family, personal, business. It's all confidential. And for me, it became like my own personal board of directors. And it really made a huge impact in my life. And I've been part of this organization for more than 12 years. And in the middle of COVID a few things happened. One, we weren't traveling, and I realized that there's a lot of people out there that could benefit from this same concept of being in a forum that have never been exposed to YPO either. They don't qualify, they're too old. A whole host of reasons. And I also thought the four hours is probably a little too long. And I just put an email together back in 2020, I think I got my first Zoom account, like, March 18th. Like 18 million other people. Exactly. Like 18 million other people. And I actually went through LinkedIn and I had a pad of sticky notes and a Sharpie, and I would write down just names of business owners and things I hadn't talked to in a while. And I had a whole wall sticky note, and I pulled 12 off that I thought might enjoy talking with each other. And I put an email together, and it said something to the effect of, none of you know each other, but you're all people that I respect and can learn from. You're all business owners, executives, and we're going through this Covid thing together. I'm going to schedule an executive forum call. I'm going to model it after YPO forum. It's going to be 90 minutes and it's all going to be confidential. But I'd love you to come. You have a growth mindset and if you're interested, let me know because we only have room for eight. And I sent it to 12 people and right away I got nine right away, like within five minutes. That sounds great. Yes. So I set up another call and then another call and I Bet I did 30 of these calls in the middle of COVID in three months. And I learned a lot. One is because we're remote and hybrid, people are craving this human connection in this human interaction. I also learned the higher up we get in these organizations and if you're running a practice, there's not a lot of people to talk to about certain things your spouse doesn't understand. You can't talk to your coworkers. Maybe you have some investors. It's lonely. They say it's lonely. The top. And it was Jim McGrand actually that a lot of people know in the industry. He called me and he said, barb, we should formalize this. We should have one for the eye care industry. And I said, oh, this is a good idea. Yeah, we probably should. And I put some structure to it. And I said, maybe we meet nine times a year. We'll meet virtually. We'll get together in person a couple times, maybe at the Expo. And that's how it started. And now, you know, we have, you know, close to 100 executives in this, in this forum community. And it really is a community. So they're groups of eight or nine CEOs typically, or business owners, executives that they get together. It's not no direct competitors in a room. So we'll have, you know, a contact lens company and an insurance company and a retailer in an eyeglass, in a frame manufacturer, maybe a technology person. And the best forums have diversity, diversity of thought, age, ethnicity, gender, geography. And we get together. And as you said in the top of the call, I have a front row seat to all these issues, all these challenges, the successes both on the family and the personal side. Now, it's all obviously confidential. I can't share anything, but I can give you a few ideas and themes that I get to see. But you're right, I feel like I have, I'm one of the luckiest persons because every meeting I leave a better version of myself and that's a better parent, a better spouse, a better leader because I get to hear all these amazing thoughts and ideas and we don't give each other advice. We just share experiences.

[A]

Yeah. And that's one of the things. And you know, for context, the way that I've gotten a chance to experience this is firsthand. Bart invited me to be part of a forum and I've been part of a forum forum with a bunch of other executives. And it really is very deep conversation. This is not. And I think, Bart, you call it like the, the 5% and the 5% and whatever, but the. Maybe just explain that concept a little bit.

[B]

Yeah. If you think of a, a bell curve. Right. I gotta draw this.

[A]

Hold on.

[B]

I think I'll know what a bell curve is. But yeah, 70% of the conversations we have are right in the middle. How's the weather? How's your job? How are your kids? We should catch up some time. That's a cool shirt. For the most part, nobody really cares. But that's kind of where most people live in the conversations. When you get outside of that 70%, 10% on each side, positive and negative or just challenge or success, you get to a feeling and an emotion. I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm upset. And then the tail, that end of the bell curve at the very end we rarely go to. And that's the 5%. And it could be trauma, it could be something we're really scared about, could be imposter syndrome. It's things that we rarely tell unless it's really, really close friend or maybe it's a family member. And in forum we try to get to these 5% updates. And we can only do it if we have this level of trust and confidentiality and things. But that's where the magic is because we're all going through stuff, yet we put up these facades like everything's great. How are you doing? I'm good, I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm good. Those aren't emotions.

[A]

Well. And as a person who spends a lot of my day talking to people either on the phone or on the screen, you're absolutely right. Like there is almost every meeting starts with oh, so how's everything going? How was your vacation? How is this? And you get into nothing that's truly like fosters meaningful human connection. And that is really some of the things that happen in forum. But that's also. That is where I want to go next, is that also allows you to ask questions. And this is what I love about what you do, is you ask kind of thought provoking questions that ultimately lead people to, to, to very different places. Right. Like, I think you asked, the last question that you had asked was something around what is a conversation that you've been putting off? And some people, it's a conversation you

[B]

have been putting off that, you know, you need to have.

[A]

Yeah, there you go. And the, and I, and I realized as I was listening to some of the responses, some of the converse, some of the conversations people were talking about were business. And then some of the conversations people are talking about have to do with a loved one or somebody who is a remote family member or somebody who. And you start thinking about like, man, like there's a lot of shared experiences. And as you start thinking about what other people are saying, you're like, man, that's the, that's the cool part about doing kind of an executive forum is that you realize that people are people. Right. And you know, regardless of whether somebody is the CEO of a, of a billion dollar company or running a million dollar practice, chances are there's a lot of shared experiences between those two people.

[B]

100%.

[A]

So what are some of the questions that you have asked Bart that you, that you think would be useful to discuss on this show? And what are also some of the trends?

[B]

So questions that I like to ask actually are things that I care about personally because it helps me become more engaged and then it helps me kind of reflect and think. It's also things that elicit an emotion or feeling because I think that's where we get closer in connection. So I almost think about it like levels 1, 2 and 3, level of depth. And I'll give you a couple examples. So a question that I asked a few months ago was, how do we raise kids so they don't feel entitled?

[A]

Right.

[B]

And all of a sudden, in a month I'll have 80 great answers and different ideas and different thoughts. What's a peak moment of your life? And why was it, you know, that peak moment, who was a person who made a big impact on you at a fork in the road? And what did they say? How they make you feel, how they change your life. And that gets to gratitude. It gets to, we realize that none of us got to where we are alone. And it's things that will stimulate additional discussion. And they don't always need to be deep, Right. One could be, what's a recent AI discovery? AI is moving so fast. I asked this five, six months ago, and you introduced the crit framework, which has been out there a while, and I think everybody took something away from that. But when we stay in the idle chit chat.

[A]

How are you?

[B]

I'm good. We should catch up sometime. How was the lake? It's fine. But I think to grow, we need to get a little uncomfortable. And sometimes the questions dig a little bit deeper. And if you get beyond the superficial conversations, that's where the magic really happens.

[A]

But so, Bart, do you not, like, if you see a friend on the street and I'm just making this up, but like, you're walking down the street and your neighbor comes across the street and says, hey, Bart, like, are you trying to go to the 10 and 5, like, real quick? Are you the master of this at this point, or are you still, like in the 70% with. With most people in your life?

[B]

It's funny, people that know me, I think sometimes when they just want to go have a beer, they might not invite me. I don't know, because I'm not that guy. A lot of times I think I actually could use a little bit more of that sometimes in my life. But look, you have to judge the situation. But I'll give you an example. At a trade show or a networking event, which. Networking, I think is a dirty word because most people don't do it right. No one wants to network. They want to develop a relationship. They want a connection with someone else. They don't want to network. It's too transactional. But it is what it is, and people know what I'm talking about. If they say, go to a networking event, when somebody says, how are you? Instead of just immediately saying, I'm good, how are you? Because that's the. Just pause for even a second, even a second and a half. And it'll catch them off guard because they're used to just, I'm good. How are you? And just pause for a second and just say, actually, I'm feeling really reflective right now. Or I'm really energized and let me tell you why.

[A]

Or

[B]

I'm actually, I'm exhausted and I'm a little frustrated, and here's why. And you have to tailor. You know who it is you're talking to, right? You don't want to just floodlight somebody,

[A]

but you're breaking a pattern. And anytime you break a pattern, you get more attention.

[B]

Break a pattern. That's right.

[A]

Yeah. That's really interesting. And what kind of. I imagine you're right. So much of the world revolves around meaningful relationships, right? And I even think about, like, okay, for the doctors listening to this, and I say, okay. Patient walks into a room and you ask them, how are you? Or. Or usually it's not a patient walks in a room or the patient sitting in the room. You walk into a room, and the first thing that, you know, most people do is, oh, Mrs. Jones, nice to see you. How are you doing? And patient's like, pretty good, right? What if we just asked a better question instead of how are you? Because that's such a, you know, that's the pattern, right? Even if it's a good question, it's a, It's a pattern. We all expect the answer good or fine or. Okay, I'll give you one.

[B]

To ask what's giving you energy these days? Or what's giving you energy right now? What's. What's something, you know, if, you know, they're into technology, what, what's. What's a new innovation that is excited, exciting for you? The energy one's good because it's easy. Anybody can answer it and they can go as deep as they want, but it's different. It's breaking the pattern.

[A]

But. But it does. But it does because it actually gets the person talking about what matters to them much faster. Right? So if Mrs. Jones has a grandchild that recently, you know, graduated high school, she might talk about the graduation party, and then you might, you might build a deeper relationship. And if, you know, somebody is really passionate about their work, you might learn about what they do and be able to be a better resource for them as well. So it's great. So I actually want to go back to a couple of these questions and the ones you got a lot of answers to. What were some of the most interesting insights from the one about not raising entitled kids?

[B]

I think one, the common theme and the pattern there was to have conversations early and to model by example. You know, if you are frugal and you shop sales and you don't pay wholesale and you try to get discounts and you, your kids pick up on that. Where if you just buy everything and there's no sense of accountability or there's no delayed gratification, it's just like, you just get everything you want. They learn that too. So that's a theme that then kind of led into talking about savings and compound interest. I shared the example. My dad sent me down when I

[A]

was eight and he, he drew this

[B]

graph and he talked about compound interest, and three or four other people had similar examples.

[A]

And

[B]

I think that's important. So it's. But a lot of it came down to communication. It came down to age appropriate guardrails and age appropriate conversations about money and the relationship with money and what money allows you to do and the freedom it provides and so forth. So it's so cool. And then depending on the context and where I was with my kid, you take different things out of it.

[A]

Yeah, it's interesting. I think it's relevant to most people listening to the show because successful business owners always struggle with this concept of, my kids have it better than I did most of the time. And how do I make sure that kids appreciate what they have in the

[B]

future and don't squander it because you don't want to. That's one of the things I struggle with. You don't want to manufacture hardship. Like the fact that I grew up with divorced parents. Right. I had to move and this and that. I had challenging relationships. I don't necessarily want to create that for my kids. At the same time, I think it's important they know where we came from and they're grateful for what they have.

[A]

I'm like, my daughter, who is 11, but we went into a shop and it was something custom. There was like a person who worked there as a sewing something. And this person offered her a job and said, oh, you know how to sew? I'd love to have you work here. And she realized how old my daughter was, but she was like, so excited. She was like, I really want that job. When I'm old enough, I want that job. I want to work. I like sewing and I can get paid to sew. And I was like, wow, I really need to start thinking about how I want to position the idea of my kid having a job to her and that, like, it would be good if she worked for somebody other than me at some point in the future because then, you know, she had learned hardship with a boss and she'd have to learn accountability to somebody other than her parents and that kind of thing. So it's interesting. But so when you think about, like, other questions that. Because you're like the master of asking great questions. So what are other questions that you have asked that you've gotten some serious, meaningful insight from your group of executives?

[B]

I think with the challenge you're trying to overcome right now, it could be family, personal business, what's it? What's a challenge you're trying to overcome? And if you can get, you know, one person to be vulnerable and go first, and then it opens the door and it's like, oh, shoot, if she shared that, then I can share this. And all of a sudden you realize, like, we're all going through this stuff together. Like, no one's got it figured out. We're all just, you know, I think things that. Some can be really basic, like, when's the last time you experienced pure joy? And, you know, people can take that however they want, but for some people, they haven't experienced pure joy in a long time. And that in and of itself is telling.

[A]

What was that like, hearing those hundred answers to that question?

[B]

The pure joy? Yeah, it's fascinating. You know, some people are like, it was last week, and let me tell you, I saw the sunrise, and my daughter was there, and I grabbed her hand, and we talked about how we used to do this, and. And then other people would say, I don't remember the last time, and they would start, you know, they would, like, have a tear because they realize that they've just got their head down and they're working. And a lot of what we try to help executives and business owners realize is that you have an opportunity to create a life by design in a life that's happening by you instead of to you. And often there's so many things coming at us in our life that we're just. We're just trying to stay alive and stay above water. And if we can take a step back and we can say, okay, what do we really value? So we work on a personal value statement. Like, what do we value? And I say, we. It could be your spouse, your partner, a loved one, but for you, your personal value, what do you value? And if we can get clear on what that is, we can create a life around that. Because we only have one life. Like, why not live it to the fullest, right?

[A]

And this concept of community is something that's pretty special because people. These are busy executives, and I don't think it's any small feat for you to get all these executives to take an hour at a time that you haven't really negotiated with all their assistants, but to take an hour out of their. Out of their month. Not. Not even an hour. Two hours. Two hours out of their month. And to spend it on this particular activity. That's impressive. They must find value in this. In this form of communication, right? And in this ability to share something about themselves and listen to others share. I think that concept of community is profound.

[B]

It's. It is. We learn the most from each other and our peers, and I think there's too much. Well, there's a lot of content out there, right? You can go to a conference, you can see the speaker and the reality is it's all on YouTube with TED talks. Like, there's no shortage of content. But I like to say the wisdom's not on the stage, it's in the room. It's the person next to you who's also going through a divorce. It's the person across from you that their mom has cancer too. Right. Somebody, an executive that has to do a big layoff, and he's not sure that's where the magic is. And that's why form is so powerful. It's not going sitting and listening to that third speaker of the day and getting the book and the whole thing.

[A]

Yeah. So over the years and, like, maybe there's some trends that you found that kind of move and drive people towards success. So in collaborating with these people in the. In the way that you have, I'm sure you found that there are certain character traits that make people super successful or that can easily correlate with the success that people are experiencing. And what made me think of this is what you just said when people were thinking about, like, experiencing pure joy. And I think about, like the. The guy who said, I just, you know, I experienced it this morning when the sun rose, and I got a chance to look at it right. Like that. That person's obviously spending more time on external gratitude. Right. Whereas somebody who says, I haven't seen that. And so maybe there are some character traits that you've experienced over the years and talking to some of these executives that ultimately drive success. What do those look like, Mark?

[B]

The success, say, the success criteria of what?

[A]

Like, what are the character traits that people have that ultimately correlate the most for successful entrepreneurs or executives?

[B]

A growth mindset, a attitude of abundance instead of scarcity. A healthy level of curiosity, not judgment, which is a big one. Often we're just conditioned to just judge. And it's like, well, that's stupid. Why is he doing this? That's how I grew up. I grew up in a household very judgmental. And when I realized the difference and what I mean by that, curiosity, not judgment. So curiosity, it's when somebody says something you don't agree with or you think it's stupid or whatever, just catch yourself and just say, huh. I wonder why she believes that. I wonder what could have happened in his background or his upbringing, whatever it is, to allow him to believe that. Because we're going to learn more about each other and ourselves when we have curiosity, not judgment. And the most powerful forums are when people have that inherent. It's the curiosity, not judgment. And just willing to be vulnerable. And I used to think authenticity and vulnerability were the same and they're actually not. I think both are important. But vulnerability allows other people to be vulnerable as well. And that's where trust is built. And we say connection drives trust and trust will drive performance.

[A]

Wait, say that again. So authenticity and vulnerability are different from each other. So tell me more about what you learned about authenticity versus vulnerability.

[B]

For me, authenticity is like being true to yourself and being aligned with your values. So there's a friend of mine that I know that has his, his number one value is winning almost at all costs. Like winning is his top value and it's not my top value. And in fact, it's hard for me not to judge because it's so far from my value that now he puts that so high that money and achievement and all these things come above family. But he's very authentic. And what I mean by that is he lives into it all day, every day. It's like, yep, I'm not going to see my spouse because I can make another X number of dollars and I'm get on the plane because that's what's important, that's authentic. That's all right. That's who you are. Vulnerability. Well, one is being vulnerable, is being able to share that, even that, because that's not normal. And I don't think he tells anyone else that he shares it with an intimate forum group. That's confidential. And it's a level of vulnerability. You know, another is just sharing things. Outside of that 70%, you get to the 5% and you say. A deep, dark, secret trauma, things that, you know, other people don't know, that is a little risky. Right. And in a corporate environment, you got co workers like, could they use that against you? Sometimes you gotta, you gotta really gotta be careful. But to me, that's where, that's where society, that's where these things are going. Because with AI and as fast as things are moving, all of a sudden, in a really quick period of time, everybody's going to be the smartest person in the room. It's not going to matter where you went to school, higher educated, you got your mba, no one's going to care and it's not going to matter. What's going to matter? Can we connect at the heart, can we connect at the human level? And can we feel that person and actually have a connection?

[A]

Interesting. And then you said connection leads to trust and trust leads to performance. Yeah, explain that a little bit more.

[B]

Yeah. So if we're connected with each other at a deeper level. Right. We get to a feeling and to an emotion. We're going to trust the person more. If we have trust, we're going to perform better as a team. It's Patrick Lencioni. If you follow his five dysfunctions of a team, it says number one at the bottom at the pyramid. The most important is trust. And if we can have trust, then we can have healthy conflict and a commitment, accountability, then it's the result. But often in a company, a corporation, even a small practice, we get behind on sales, we pat on the desk, we go to the marketing person, hey, get us more sales. Well, that can work short term. But if we don't trust each other, we don't have this level of trust. It all falls down. That's why I say trust is going to drive performance and the way we build that is having deeper connections so we have better conversations.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. So we're going to come back after a break. I want to try to get the essence of how we can have better conversations even if we're not in forum on a day to day basis. Be right back in the power hour. Hey there, it's Eugene and I want to let you in on something. So you've been to conferences before. You come home fired up and then Monday morning hits and it's back to the grind. The ideas don't stick, the plan never gets made and six months later your practice is in the same place. So I know that pain. I've been to those conferences with you and that is not happening. At this new event called I Care Boss Live. You've heard the story of ICARE Boss and now there's an event, ICARE Boss Live. It's September 16th through 18th in Cleveland. Two and a half days. We're bringing together 200 of the best practice owners in iCare for a one of a kind event that combines speakers, peer learning, mastermind groups and industry innovation. All designed around one goal. You leave with a 90 day plan and you can actually execute it and get stuff done. And we're going to tackle some real stuff. Exam only rates, revenue per patient, people problems, leadership, AI and technology specialty growth, the things that keep people up at night. We're going after it and we're doing it in a room full of practice owners that are just as serious about growth as you are. This is not a conference, it's not a seminar. It's something different. There are only 200 spots, so if you want to be in on this, this is not publicly announced. Just on this podcast. Go to the powerpractice.com click events, click apply. Now. This is invite only. It's not for everybody. So you have to apply. We'll ask you a few questions, and if it's a fit, we'll invite you to register this event. I care. Boss Live is going to sell out. Do not sit on it. I invite you to apply right now. Hi. And we're back on the Power Hour. I've got Bart Foster with me. And Bart, I mean, you're an author. You've created this really cool concept called business Outside, which is about connecting with people, people connecting in nature as opposed to in a conference room. So maybe we'll have time to kind of talk a little bit about that and kind of the core philosophy there. But I was thinking during the break about something that you said, which is the whole concept of asking better questions leads to better connection. Well, I guess leads to more vulnerability, which then leads to better connection, which then leads to trust, which then leads to performance. And I was thinking one way performance happens is certainly teams can perform better. A team in an office can do a better job of serving their patients if they all trust each other. But at the same time, in an exam room or in an optical part of the practice, you can also build trust by having connection. And if you build that trust, then the patient's going to be way more likely to take your recommendation and to trust that your recommendation is coming from a place of a. From a place of genuine care rather than just selling them something. And so to me, that's like a key part of the message here, is that this, the. The. The skill of building better connection through better questions is actually a very strong business asset for most people. So I'll turn it back over to you, and what can you tell us about asking better questions and quickly building connection?

[B]

Yeah, questions that get to a feeling or an emotion are always going to trump or be over, are going to provide more value and vulnerability or connection points. Then how are you, you know, do you like this or that? If you say, what's giving you energy? What's something you celebrated or you're proud of over the last six months? Patient comes in, I haven't seen you in a year. Hey, what's something you really celebrate? Which something you celebrate in the last year? Like, all of a sudden, people, they'll light up. They'll talk about their daughters, you know, dance recital, they'll talk about how their sons learned how to play piano. Whatever it is, they get excited. There's something they celebrated. Oh my, you know, my fifth grader just, you know, graduated. Whatever he hit the game winning shot, like they just light up and then you, you understand. So celebration of proud.

[A]

And it leads to a really nice question as a follow up. When you start thinking about lifestyle.

[B]

Tell me more.

[A]

Which ultimately are necessary. It's like, okay, well, you know, maybe you celebrated your kids soccer team will win. Well, how much time do you usually spend outside? Because it sounds like you're spending a lot of time watching your kids soccer games. And so you spend a lot of time outside. Tell me about that. And all of a sudden you get to take, you get to capitalize on that positive emotion. I noticed that you focused on a positive emotion question. It elicits a positive emotion. Any question that elicits positive emotion is fair game because then automatically people will not remember what you said as a doctor, but they will remember how you made them feel. And this is one of those things that you automatically, you make them feel good by simply talking to you. And that's the first thing that comes out of your mouth.

[B]

Show interest. Like when you say, how are you? You don't learn anything because they're going to say the default, I'm good. How you doing? Yeah, right. What's something you celebrated? What's an experience you had this summer you think you'll remember 10 years from now?

[A]

Yeah, I love that.

[B]

And I said, what'd you do last weekend?

[A]

Like, no, that's so good. Because I started thinking about this too, is that we start all of our meetings. Every single meeting that I'm part of, every single meeting that there's either part of an agenda or just kind of a natural piece of, you know, asking questions. And as we ask those questions, one of those things is like, well, why not ask? Because if you're meeting with your team, why not ask a question that makes people feel a good emotion or an exciting emotion and, and maybe even let them have a second to prepare because you really get to know people better. So team meetings, like, let's, let's think of like, let's fast brainstorm five questions that would be great to kick off team meetings.

[B]

And yeah, I can, I can help you with that. And then, you know, the other is have, once you get into the rhythm, have the team members bring the question and delegate it to them. It doesn't always have to be on you.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, you can probably get AI to generate a whole bunch of questions once you get the prompt right. But you know, let's, let's let's just give people some examples. Like, if I were to. I, I mean, I actually, I love this one. Somebody asked me, this one says, like, what's your favorite gift that you got as a child? Yeah, kind of makes me, let's make it really cool.

[B]

And then once they have it in their head or what they think it is, then say non material. And then they'll go, oh, we. And then they have to think, that's good, that's good.

[A]

I like that. All right, what's another one, you know,

[B]

something outside of work that's just bringing you joy right now. What's really giving you energy? What's a, you know, what's a small win that you had outside of work? What's, you know, looking ahead? Like, what's something you're really excited about in the next three months?

[A]

What's a hobby that you had that you really liked, that you're going to, that you wish you could pick back up?

[B]

What's something you loved as a child that you wish you could go back and do again? You know? Yeah, it's the same. I love that.

[A]

What's your favorite place that you've ever visited?

[B]

Describe in detail your perfect day.

[A]

You might want to not ask that at work because why is it going to be.

[B]

Well, you know, you don't have to say we're trying to recreate that for you, but you learn about the person

[A]

I talk, but none of you. And none of you piss me off. I can just see someone doing that in the office.

[B]

Well, no, no, no. You wanted to say, you know, I woke up, right? I had my coffee and then, you know, I'm on the back of a, on this dock, you know, overlooking the lake, and my kids are playing, like, whatever. Like, you want the, you want the detail. No, it's great for you because then

[A]

you get to know people in a really meaningful way. And I think about the five minutes, the five minute openers. I mean, this is actually like, it's transforming what I'm going to do tomorrow. Because the five minute openers for meetings that we have, which are almost always the nonsensical, like, oh, so did anybody do anything interesting over the weekend? Or hey, you know, how's, how's everybody doing today? Okay, anybody got anything to report on? Like, anything fun? Okay, whatever, like, nobody wants to speak up, but if you force everybody to say, okay to open the meeting, we're going to prepare a question and I want you to think about this. That's a cool way to go. And that could be any team meeting. It's a great way for teams to build trust.

[B]

100%. I got one that I used a few weeks ago. Particularly if your team knows each other really well, it works good is you take turns describing in detail what you believe their airport routine is. When do they get up, When's the flight? When do they get up, where do they park, what do they do when they get to the airport. That's more of a team building sort of thing. But it's a cool way to start a meeting sometimes.

[A]

Well, they do it for each other.

[B]

Yeah, for each other.

[A]

Like, I would guess yours, you would guess mine.

[B]

It's comical. Yes,

[A]

I. Yeah, that. That would be really fun. No, it's great. And so asking the question that ultimately builds trust is fascinating. I think that ultimately leads to this concept of as you're building trust, you're building with the people you want to be around or the people that you. You want to click with. Which is kind of in line with your. With your comment about intention earlier. So I want to go back to that. And you talked about this concept of living life by design. What do you mean by that? And explain a little bit more of like how that works.

[B]

Yeah, a few concepts. I think one is we often just go through life where it's happening to us. Right. And what I want to do is how do we flip the script and have it happen by us? So you're going on the offensive and you're saying, here's what I value, here's what I love to do, here's my skills, my zone of genius. Like, what I'm great at, I love. And I'm going to create a life that allows me to live that way. What are the things that are important if it's family, relationships, health, like, whatever is what you value. In fact, my personal value statement, I actually have it on my wall so I can see it and I can read you mine. So it's. Well, if you want, we can do it later.

[A]

Yeah, no, read it, read it. I want to understand what a personal value statement is.

[B]

Okay. I value personal freedom, which allows me to live an active and healthy life full of adventure. I will build authentic and loving relationships with friends and family. I fulfill myself through curiosity, personal growth, and lifelong learning. And every few months I can kind of calibrate and see is that, am I living into my values? They're not your values, they're my values. And this is what I've. So it's also, if I'm faced with a tough decision Should I do this or that? Should I fly to that? Is it aligned with my values? Otherwise things just keep coming. So that's one concept. The second one is about scheduling your life first. Right. If we don't schedule the things that are important to us, the events, the celebrations, the family get togethers, the bar mitzvah, whatever it is, schedule that stuff first, get it on the calendar. Otherwise life just happens and all of a sudden three years go by and you're like, oh, my kids just graduated. I wish I would have done. No, create a life by design. Figure out what you really value and then build a life and schedule your life first.

[A]

So meaning if I value and I'm just going to say personal fitness or something like that, then I would schedule, I'm just using a simple example. I would make sure that my schedule, that the first thing on my schedule every single week is a personal fitness goal. So. Or time for personal fitness. Right. And just that's super simple. But if I, and if I say like I value my relationship with my daughter, then the first thing I'm going to do before I book any conferences is I'm going to go look at her school schedule and figure out where this and that's happening and when this performance is happening. And that kind of.

[B]

You got it? Yeah. Anniversaries, birthdays, you know, the things that you don't want to miss. Like it's easy, write them down, put them all on list and then go to the calendar and block them all out and have the discipline to protect that, just like you would a board meeting or something else.

[A]

Yeah, that makes sense. The personal value statement thing, can you tell me the components of that? Because when you read yours, I kind of got a sense that there are multiple things that you kind of build into your personal value statement.

[B]

Yeah. In fact, I could probably give you a link and you could put in the show notes or something where people could do the exercise. But essentially it's a list of values that you get clear of, like what's most important, what's slightly important, what's really not important. And you narrow them down and you end up putting into a pyramid, you prioritize them and then all of a sudden you've got your top six and it's kind of an elegant way to get down to what really, really matters to you.

[A]

Are you going from like a checklist of something?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, just read me, read me

[A]

a few that are on that checklist.

[B]

As an example, I'll read out forgiveness, communication, tolerance, love, open mindedness, Integrity, freedom, respectfulness, belonging, adventure, connection, ambition, humor, health, authenticity, curiosity, learning, teamwork, personal growth, happiness,

[A]

faith,

[B]

travel, social responsibility, balance, trust, stability. Those are a handful of. There's like 80. And you could probably use ChatGPT, use Claude LLM and you could do a similar exercise. But the idea is figure out for you what's most important, what do you really value, and then create a life that's aligned with that.

[A]

So then you pick off the checklist, and I'd love to put that in the show notes for everybody. After you pick off the checklist, you go down the path of saying, okay, I have. I'm going to prioritize these things. And then what?

[B]

So then you create a personal value statement that allows you to. Well, first I would kind of marinate on that and make sure that these are the ones that it feels right. And then I actually tell people to create an sfd. Do you know what that is? Sfd. It's your shitty first draft.

[A]

Got it. Okay.

[B]

You can edit that out, Silly first draft, whatever. But yeah, it's your shitty first draft. And that typically gets you 90% of the way there. And then share it with a loved one, share with a friend, say, just feel right. And once it feels right, you might do something with. You frame it, I don't know.

[A]

But then you use it as a filter for opportunities.

[B]

You can learn as a filter for. You can use a filter for life, for opportunities, for decisions that you need to make. Should I take that trip? Should I go after this opportunity? Is that job right for me? Well, is it aligned with my values?

[A]

Right.

[B]

One of my top values is personal freedom. I couldn't take another big corporate job again. It just didn't align with what I value. Now. Our values change over time also. Right. Influences life experiences, age, and that's okay. So, you know, once a year I'll kind of recalibrate. I actually added one that's not on my poster. That's one of my top values. And it was a coach that I had that helped me realize actually aliveness, which I didn't even know was a word, but aliveness is one of my top values. And for me, that's seeing the sunrise and these amazing destinations, whatever it is, it's that aliveness that just makes me like, I love doing a cold plunge or getting in a sauna. Like really just getting out of my comfort zone. It just makes me feel alive.

[A]

That's interesting. Yeah. And I think you're right. People can start with your checklist and then kind of help build Something with, with an AI assistant. But then it serves as a filter. And we do the same thing for business. Right. We recommend that people do the same thing for businesses to write down both the vision for that business and then also the values that you use as a filter for who should or should not work at the business. Because it's really difficult to teach values. It's much easier to teach skills. So it makes sense.

[B]

And I think another point that I, I think it's important is you know what you value. It's there, you know, what you said is a, there's a personal you and a business you sort of thing and there's the business values. These are personal values. This is what you. So you have one life. I lost my train of thought. Sorry.

[A]

Well, no, it's actually, it's really interesting because it kind of brings us all the way back to where we started. The show is that you talk to 100 executives. Yes, go.

[B]

Sorry, I have to. What I wanted to share is when you learn each other's values is where the real power comes in. So if you could do this with your team, right. Then you know what they value because all of our values are different. So often somebody will come to me and they'll say, hey, I want your advice. Should I do this or that? What do you think about this? I have to ask them, well, what do you value? Because it's not up to me. Like they might value my opinion, but that's only my opinion. They know the answer. It's if it's aligned with your values. So I would encourage, you know, practice owners, if you can learn your teammates values, it's going to help you build better connection, trust, the whole thing.

[A]

Yeah, and that's actually, that's a huge idea in itself is that if you do a little retreat and I'm imagining you could probably do this in a matter of a few hours. Right, Bart, where everybody goes through an exercise, writes down their values and is comfortable then sharing their values with everybody else. And then all of a sudden you kind of realize that for this person it's super important to be there for their, for the, for every kid's soccer game. And for this person, it's super important to feel like they're constantly advancing and you're like, well, that person, that, that one person is probably going to be interested in working a couple extra hours for, with some additional responsibility. And that person might do it begrudgingly if you ask them, but is going to be probably looking for another job. So like when the opportunity comes along for a little extra responsibility and a few extra hours, probably ask the person where you understand that their personal values align with that extra responsibility.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah, that's great. That's a very good insight. And I think where we started this conversation with this whole concept of you talk to a lot of business executives and you help them get vulnerable in these forum settings, and you get to see the trends and see the. See the things that they talk about. And I think that, at least in my experience in my forum, it's like 20% business and 80% personal. And what we see, I think art, and you tell me if I'm wrong, is that people are people first. And this conversation reminds us that in order to succeed at business, what we have to do is succeed at the human connection first. Because once we succeed at the human connection, we can then actually apply the benefits of.

[B]

Nailed it, man. Yes.

[A]

All right. Bart, it is such an honor to have you on the show. Super, super excited to have had the opportunity to chat with you. Thanks so much for being on the Power Hour and look forward to our next conversation.

[B]

Nice job. Thanks, man. Appreciate being here.