B (7:02)
For one thing, I just want to say I feel you and I hear you and I remember those days so, so, so clearly. And my kids were a similar age split to yours, so I remember having a baby and also having, in my case, a three year old who needed constant attention all day, you know, and who couldn't just be left alone to his own devices and how hard that is. So I remember that so clearly. My kids right now, one just turned six and one same as you, birthday during the crisis, just turned nine a couple days ago. And it's been interesting. So my kids actually get a long spring break here in Arizona. So up until yesterday, they were on this two and a half week spring break. That's the way the schedule goes. And so I had not been stressing myself out too much about creating structure for them because I was like, you know what? Officially, it's still their spring break. So official, they're gonna hang out, they're gonna do their thing. And I have been finding the little moments of joy in it. Like, oh, look, they're figuring out new things they can pretend together and they're finding new games they can play together and they're hauling out the duplos that they haven't hauled out in a long time. And they were getting creative because mom and dad are both very much working full time. And it's been, you know, we both have our different schedules. We're trying to punt a little bit, like, hey, if you have an important meeting, I'll try not to schedule an important meeting during their time because that one of us is going to get asked for snacks or for something or other and get interrupted during that time. But now we're hitting the point where that two weeks of little structure, but also not getting to be out in the world and seeing friends and going to play dates and going to all the play zones we typically visit during a break, it's hitting home. And I mean, case in point, my little one who just turned nine had like the meltdown, tantrum, whatever you want to call it, of the universe yesterday because we won't let him have Fortnite, you know, And I was like, that's one of those canary in the coal mine. When I'm like, I am seeing this insane emotional reaction to something that has been the rule forever. Like nothing has changed about that rule. No, we can't have Fortnite, you know, you're too young, blah, blah, blah. And I'm seeing this insane emotional reaction and it clearly is that wake up call of okay, it's time for structure. And so I am going back to all last summer. My business was actually really very active and I had my kids home. Now I didn't have my husband home working at the same time. And that sort of adds a different level. He's stressed. He does communications at his work and everything right now is like emergency communication, emergency communication. So he's kind of storming around with his own stress, going on lots of emergency meetings at odd times of day. So we've got that extra layer. But what I am doing now and what I did last summer that I think helped was there's a couple different things. Like I have so many things I want to say to you guys. Let me start here. This is kind of a framework for you. I am a special needs mom. I think all the moms right now should take a tip from the special needs moms. And what I mean by that is embrace imperfection. Embrace imperfection right now. Just know that nothing is going to go exactly the way you planned. Nothing is going to look like the curated images on Instagram and Pinterest. And I guarantee you that all the people putting out the videos where they're playing with their kids for hours and the whole family is great and having fun, I'm sure that's true in that moment of the video. And I'm sure they hit click off on that video. They collapse into exhaustion just like the rest of us right now. They collapse into stress just like the rest of us right now. And so I feel like having gone through the process of being a special needs parent, there are actually certain interesting advantages when it comes to times of mass uncertainty. Like so, for example, when your kids are diagnosed with any kind of special need or when something it might be that something else hits your family, maybe it's a chronic illness that you have, maybe it's some sort of a disability hits your family. I think all of those things carry a similar energy to them where suddenly your plans, your dreams, the things you hope for the future, you're forced to really re evaluate those. And in a way you're forced to say, I accept right now. And that might be a process, not like it's instant. But I accept right now that things are not going to look exactly the way I imagined and that I have to create a new version of normal right now. And the people who I see struggling, the most, especially of the various parents that I either know online or know through my kids or whatnot, are the ones where they're saying things like, but Billy is going to be a Major League baseball player. And what's going to happen now because the rest of the practices were canceled, and how will he make the Major League League Baseball team? Or Sally is going to get into Harvard, so she has to get all of the AP assignments in her AP class. And don't they understand the importance of this? And I look at that and I'm like, oh, wow, okay. Like, that level of stress is the level that we need to let go of a little bit right now and just embrace the imperfection of right now. And I feel like once you do that, once you embrace that imperfection a little bit, once you say, I don't really know what's going to happen, but at least we're all in the same boat here together in the whole world right now, it honestly can give you that little breath of fresh air. Like, once you realize, hey, I can create a structure. And if we don't perfectly follow it today, no one's going to die. Like, no one's going to die if we don't perfectly follow this structure. And at the same time, again, coming back to special needs parenting. And I think really all parents and all teachers know this one. Creating some sort of a structure helps and matters. And you're going to get pushback in the beginning. You're going to get pushback on being teacher mom or teacher dad. You're gonna get pushback on the kitchen table being the homeschool table for part of the day. You're going to have fights. You're going to have the bickering and the arguments. And that what I get a lot is that's not how my teacher does it, you know? And so I'm like, okay, fine. How does your teacher do it? Teach Mommy how your teacher teaches you this. Because I need to know, you know, what's gonna work for you. And so you're gonna get pushback on it, but creating the structure that works for you. And when I was about to say, when I go back to the way I handled it last summer when I was really, really busy with work, but I could not just sit at my desk all day, no matter how much I wanted to And I wanted to be there. What I started doing and what we're going to do again in this time. And Kate, I don't recommend this for you. This is for people with older kids. Honestly, I think waking up earlier and getting some work done before everybody is up can be tremendously helpful for your san, for your peace of mind. So whatever it is that's on your plate that you're like, I absolutely have to get that done today. Can you right now go to bed a little bit earlier? There's nothing to do at night anyway, let's be honest. Like, none of us are going out with our friends in the evenings right now. So can you go to bed a little earlier, get up a little earlier, get stuff done in the early morning hours? The way I have always planned my day around the schedule right now is I've sort of taught my kids, you know what, you have free time up until usually 11 or 12. So obviously, like, I was. I needed to get them dressed and get them breakfast and do all the basic morning stuff. But in general, last summer especially, and they're gonna. We're gonna go on the same routine now, they kind of learned it's mommy's working time in the morning. And so I would put out, like, here are the snacks you can have and that you can get for yourself. Here are activities that you guys can do and that you can handle yourself. I. You. I'm letting go of any sort of crazy screen time limits right now. I'm obviously, you know, there's some time every single day right now. We can still go outside, at least by us. And so we're doing outside time every day. We're taking walks, we're doing like, let's all get our vitamin D. You know, let's all get some sanity that way. But what I would do with them is, I would say, okay, the morning is my working time. And for some of you with younger kids, you're not going to have such big blocks of time where they can play together in a good way without you overseeing. So then my question is, can you take out an activity, set it down next to your desk, Is it too distracting? Or can you do that, like, if you're catching up on notes or something like that? Now, I know for a lot of the folks out there that are therapists, they have a different challenge where they're more worried about how do I get privacy. So I'm assuming that most therapists right now who have switched to telehealth and they're working online, that you have found some sort of a solution that works for you for privacy. I was telling Kate and Kati, I'm sitting on a weight bench right now in the corner of a room because it was the only room where I could close a door and sit down and talk to you guys. So you might have a weird setup like this one that you're trying to adjust to, trying to get used to. So a couple things that might help right now. For one, if you have always been that person that puts your notes off to the last minute, I wonder if this would be a time to build a little bit of sanity, a little more relief in the back of your mind, and become the person who takes five minutes right after the session to just do that note. Chances are you're on your computer already, right? You're not sitting in an office. You're sitting right there on your computer. Can you just whip out that note and get it done? It will be one less thing hanging over your head right now as you're doing it. And it's such a great practice to get in for the long haul. Not one that I am good at maintaining, I will fully admit. But it is by far the best practice to get in over the long haul. If you can just get those notes done now. And when you are with your clients, that allows you to be fully with your clients. And then when that time boundary happens and you say now, it's whatever time of the day and I am back with my family, it allows you to be more fully back with your family because you're not thinking, I should be doing notes. I have these other things I should catch up on. You have just done your work time in the morning, gotten it done, done as much as you possibly can, and then you're creat that family structure in the afternoon where you can be totally present for them. And I don't know about you guys. I find if I give my kids even one hour where I am just 100% present and focused with them, that kind of buys me another hour where they're willing to go do something with each other or where they can go watch a show or something and not need to call me 100 times because we've gotten. They've gotten my full, focused attention for this brief period of time. I'm curious if you feel the same about that.
