Episode Overview

Title: Stop Shaming Your Users: Ethical Alternatives to Dark Patterns
Host: Rob Alvarez
Date: December 1, 2025
Episode Number: 421

In this solo episode of Professor Game, Rob Alvarez explores the controversial use of "confirmshaming" and other deceptive "dark patterns" that pressure users by leveraging guilt, shame, or fear. He breaks down why these tactics work, their ethical pitfalls, and how designers, marketers, and educators can encourage desired user actions while upholding integrity and long-term engagement. Rob draws from real-world examples to illustrate what these patterns look like in practice—and suggests better, more ethical ways to drive user motivation.

Key Discussion Points

1. What is Confirmshaming? (03:54)

• Definition: Confirmshaming is a strategy that tries to manipulate user decisions by making alternative choices feel derogatory, belittling, or guilt-inducing.
• Mechanics: These patterns use negative emotions (guilt/shame) to sway users toward a company's preferred action, often at the expense of long-term trust.

Rob:
“Confirmshaming works by triggering basically uncomfortable emotions, especially… guilt or shame to influence your user's decision making.” (04:22)

2. Why These Tactics Work: Core Drives in Play (08:10)

• Psychology: Tactics tap into "Core Drive 8 – Fear of Loss" and sometimes Core Drive 4 (ownership/possession), Core Drive 5 (social influence).
• Short-term vs. Long-term: While effective for immediate action, these strategies harm ongoing relationships and brand trust.

Rob:
"You are essentially targeting Core Drive 8 fear. You're making people fear losing something. And here, honestly, this is the ultimate loss—your own life." (08:45)

3. Real-World Examples of Dark Patterns

a. MyMedic Notifications (05:15)

• Prompt: “MyMedic would like to send you notifications...so you and everyone you know can stay alive.”
  Deny button reads: “No, I prefer to bleed to death.”
• Analysis: The language exploits fear of physical harm and mortality, pushing users with hyperbolic guilt—especially problematic given the typical context (health/emergencies).

Rob:
“If you don't do this, you don't stay alive or you bleed to death...This is not like—yes, they are targeting a core drive...but you also have to consider the ethical implications.” (07:34)

b. OptinMonster Email List (12:33)

• Prompt: “Grow your email list—get more email subscribers.”
  Deny button: “No thanks, I'm fine with losing customers.”
• Analysis: Implies users not taking the offer are actively choosing negative outcomes; manipulates with core drives of ownership and loss.

Rob:
“They're trying to shame me into saying, 'Oh, you either want my solution or you're losing customers.'...Is that wording being used ethically? Again, I'm not very sure of that.” (13:41)

c. Cosmopolitan Magazine Prompt (18:02)

• Prompt: “Do you want to stay on top of all the [explicit] you care about? Sign up now.”
  Deny button: “I’m boring.”
• Analysis: Leverages group identity (Core Drive 5) and self-image, stigmatizing anyone who opts out.

Rob:
“I don’t identify as a boring person...So I feel initially I don’t want to click on that button. And that's exactly what they're aiming for...You're shaming me because I'm boring because I don't want to get updated on Cosmopolitan or whatever.” (19:18)

d. Google Android Screen Lock (22:40)

• Prompt after refusing lock setup: Several denial reasons, e.g., “I'm fine leaving my private info unprotected.”
• Analysis: Pressures users by listing reasons that make declining sound irresponsible or foolish, though concern for security is legitimate.

Rob:
“They don’t really have to push it all the way to make it sound like you’re stupid...It’s taking it a little bit too far, at least if you ask me.” (23:52)

4. Ethical and Effective Alternatives (27:15)

• Pro-social Framing: Use positive reinforcement for desired actions; e.g., “Don’t miss out on new deals” instead of “I don’t want to save the planet.”
• Balanced Motivation: Blend Core Drives (black hat for urgency, white hat for meaning and autonomy), but never at the expense of user dignity or trust.

Rob:
“Show them what are the good things…how you can use some Core Drive 1 Epic Meaning and Calling...so that people can actually do those actions because they want to do the action.” (28:12)

• Respect Agency: Offer “Not right now, I’m good” as an opt-out, which maintains the user’s agency and opens the door for future engagement.

Rob:
“Loyalty does not come from tricking people. It comes from trust, not traps.” (30:07)

5. The Ultimate Test: If You Need to Trick Users, Rethink Your Product (30:35)

• Deceptive shaming is a signal your product or offer isn’t compelling enough on its own merit.
• Sustainable engagement stems from real value, not from manipulating negative emotions.

Rob:
“If you need to trick people into using your product, then the problem is your product is not good enough or it’s not there to solve any real problem. So don’t trick people into doing it.” (30:52)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Shortcuts:
  “This could be a way to maybe win very quickly in the short run, but also lose in the long run. And usually businesses don’t survive just on doing the best that they can on the short run, but also doing the best for them in the long run.” (21:45)

• On Core Drives:
  “Here, you’re shaming me because I’m boring…But I also don’t want notifications anyway. So, you know, screw you. I’m still going to click on boring or I’m going to feel pushed away from your brand because you’re trying to trick me. And I don’t like that.” (19:54)

• Empowering Listeners:
  “Don’t let yourself be shamed by an app. This is literally a bunch of code. You can’t be shamed by an app.” (25:04)

• On Ethical Design:
  “You want people to feel smart and to not regret that decision later. This is very, very important. Doesn’t sound like it’s quick, but you do not want to bully people into using your product or accepting your notifications.” (29:05)

Important Segment Timestamps

• Definition & Introduction: 03:54 - 04:45
• First Example (MyMedic App): 05:15 - 07:45
• OptinMonster Example: 12:33 - 14:10
• Cosmopolitan Example: 18:02 - 20:07
• Google Screen Lock Example: 22:40 - 24:25
• Ethical Approaches: 27:15 - 30:20
• Key Takeaways & Closing Thoughts: 30:21 - 31:40

Episode Takeaways

• Recognize dark patterns, especially confirmshaming; understand the psychological levers at play.
• Prioritize long-term trust and loyalty over short-term gains by balancing motivational techniques ethically.
• Engage users through genuine value, transparent choices, and respect—not manipulation, guilt, or shame.
• User agency and positive motivation should be the core of effective gamification and digital strategy.

For more resources and to connect with Rob or the Professor Game team about ethical gamification, see the show notes.

“It’s game over—for unethical design.” (31:39)