“Before our boys have learned to read, they have already read the stoic code of masculinity and are conforming to it.” says Terry Real, world-renowned family therapist, speaker, best-selling author and founder of the Relational Life Institute, where he offers workshops for couples, individuals, parents and therapists. He is also a dear friend. While he’s best known for his couples work, decades ago, he wrote the landmark book on male depression, which I cannot recommend enough. It’s called, I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, and with it, Real established himself as one of the most respected voices in the treatment of men and the healing of their relationships with the world. In this episode, we talk about why depression is “illegal” for men, the cultural programming of boys, and forced detachment in the name of autonomy. Our culture of individualism, Real says, has done as much damage as our culture of patriarchy—leaving men little room for the type of connection and relationality that we humans live for. He leaves us with the steps for deprogramming ourselves from patriarchal thinking and parenting as well as the ways in which we can support the men in our lives in service of deeper connection and the pursuit of greater relational joy.

EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS:

Exploring Terry’s theory of male depression…(2:30)
The cultural programming of boys…(12:50)
Active trauma, passive trauma, and the severing of connection in the name of autonomy …(19:50)
Icarus syndrome and learning to find relational joy…(37:08)

MORE FROM TERRY REAL:

Terry's Website

I Don't Want To Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

How Can I Get Through To You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women

The New Rules Of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work

Take Terry's Online Course - Staying in Love: The Art of Fierce Intimacy

DIG DEEPER:

Find an RLT Certified Therapist Near You

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Healing Male Depression (Terry Real)