Hard Knock Life

Summary

---

Radiolab – "Hard Knock Life"

Original Air Date: February 12, 2016
Hosts: Robert Krulwich, Molly Webster
Featured Guests: David Goulson, Freestyle Love Supreme (with Lin-Manuel Miranda, Utkarsh Ambudkar, Tommy Kail)

---

Episode Overview

This playful and poignant Radiolab episode, "Hard Knock Life," explores the curious and surprisingly tragic love lives of deathwatch beetles—a tiny insect whose mating ritual involves headbutting wood to send out love calls that might go entirely unanswered. The show weaves together biology, history, and musical comedy, culminating in a hip-hop musical retelling of beetle romance with the cast of Hamilton.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Deathwatch Beetle: Nature's Misunderstood Drummer

[02:12–04:07]

• Professor David Goulson introduces the legend of the "deathwatch beetle," historically associated with superstitious fears about death due to the tapping sounds heard in old, quiet houses—sounds people once attributed to the devil, but which are, in fact, beetle courtship.

  • Quote:
    “Legend has it that this was the devil drumming his fingers impatiently, waiting for the soul to depart the body...But turns out, actually, it’s the mating call of a tiny little beetle. The deathwatch beetle. That’s where it gets its name.”
    — David Goulson [03:08]

• Goulson, a professor of biology with personal experience living among beetles, explores how the “drumming” is a unique love call in the insect world, performed by beetle headbutting.

---

2. The Beetle Life Cycle: A Hard and Lonely Road

[04:34–06:22]

• The beetle life cycle is harsh: larvae live in total darkness for 10–15 years, chewing through wood before finally emerging as adults with a single, urgent mission—to mate before dying of starvation or old age.
  • “You imagine this little thing, pitch black, you know, in its own little tunnel, on its own. And it starts chewing...very, very slowly. And eventually about 10 or 15 years later...”
    — David Goulson [04:50]

---

3. The Mating Game: Blind, Starving, and Desperate

[06:16–10:19]

• When the adult beetles emerge, they are nearly blind, unable to feed, and have only a few weeks to find a mate.

  • Males drum their heads on timber to send out a “hello,” hoping for a female's reply. If none comes, they keep wandering, often dying alone.

  • The episode emphasizes the sheer unlikelihood of successful mating, especially in modern times due to pesticide use and human interference.

  • The female’s life is just as difficult: if no mate responds, she too dies alone after weeks of waiting.

  • Quote:
    "So he just keeps wandering about, banging his head, and then he pauses for a second, kind of listening to see if anyone replies. And if there’s no reply, he wanders on."
    — David Goulson [07:28]

---

4. When the Drumming Pays Off: Beetle Courtship and Selection

[08:28–10:25]

• If a male and female finally make contact, a rhythmic duet begins with both beetles drumming. Mating still isn’t guaranteed—the female remains choosy and may reject even the only available male.

  • Quote:
    “The females wouldn’t mate even though, you know, they’d maybe been sitting there for days waiting for a partner to come along. And then when one finally does...they’re not interested.”
    — David Goulson [10:03]

• The female's choice appears to favor heavier males, who produce more sperm (sometimes upwards of 13% of their body weight).

  • Memorable moment:
    “If that were us...we were talking about three or four gallons...it’s best not to think about that too much really. But. Cause that’s just so gross.”
    — David Goulson [11:00]

• Goulson experimented with adding sticky tack (Blu Tack) to lighter males, finding they became more successful—suggesting females may select by weight, or what comes with it.

---

5. Bittersweet Endings and Unexpected Affection

[12:28–13:08]

• Goulson expresses a fondness for his beetle housemates, grappling with whether to remove them or simply enjoy their seasonal tapping.

  • Quote:
    “It’s funny, isn’t it, that people thought this was a sinister noise and actually, it’s all about love.”
    — David Goulson [13:08]

• Hosts reflect on how the beetles’ grim odds make modern dating look easy by comparison.

  • Quote:
    “It made me think that dating in New York was pretty easy all right.”
    — Molly Webster [13:52]

---

Main Segment Timestamps

• [02:12–04:07]: Legend and biology of the deathwatch beetle
• [04:34–06:22]: Beetle lifecycle and emergence
• [06:16–08:09]: Mating strategies and struggles
• [08:28–11:16]: Female choice and the importance of male size
• [12:28–13:08]: Goulson's relationship to the beetles
• [18:32–22:59]: The musical reinterpretation (see below)

---

Memorable Musical Moments: "Deathwatch Beetle – The Musical"

[18:32–23:12]

• Freestyle Love Supreme, including Lin-Manuel Miranda (as the female beetle) and Utkarsh Ambudkar (as the male beetle), transform the story into a humorous, hip-hop performance, capturing the awkward yearning, disappointment, and brief triumph of beetle mating season.

Standout Musical Quotes

• Utkarsh Ambudkar / Male Beetle:
  “Hey, ladies, I said the wait is over. Get ready for the beautiful beat to Casanova. He is I and I am him, the most masculine beetle by the name of Slim...I guarantee I’m your chosen but can you remind me which end it goes in?”
  [19:47–20:34]

• Lin-Manuel Miranda / Female Beetle:
  “But when you hear that knocking and it’s a sound so rare...Is there a heavier beetle somewhere, somebody’s knocking. But I am a beetle worth waiting for.”
  [20:45–21:28]

• Finale ("Valentine's Tale")
  “I agree, it’d be easier with Tinder, but let me loose inside your caboose so I could give you some of my beetle juice.”
  — Utkarsh Ambudkar [22:17–22:40]

  (with Lin-Manuel echoing “Somebody’s knocking” in a comedic, longing tone)

---

Notable Quotes & Speaker Attributions

• David Goulson (on the beetle’s drumming):
  "But turns out, actually it’s the mating call of a tiny little beetle. The deathwatch beetle. That’s where it gets its name." [03:08]

• Robert Krulwich:
  "So he comes out of his hole, just wanders about and does his little drumming noise." [06:56]

• Molly Webster:
  "It made me think that dating in New York was pretty easy all right." [13:52]

• Lin-Manuel Miranda (as female beetle):
  "Somebody's knocking, baby is this a mate worth waiting for?" [20:45]

---

Tone & Style

The episode balances scientific curiosity and empathy with a playful, often wry tone. The musical segment leans into comedy and wordplay, spotlighting the absurdity and universality of longing—even for a beetle.

---

Conclusion

The story of the deathwatch beetle, as told by Goulson, Krulwich, and Webster—and then re-imagined by Broadway talent—serves as both fascinating natural history and winking commentary on the trials of courtship. What sounds like a sinister omen becomes, thanks to Radiolab’s inventive storytelling and sound design, a touching (and hilarious) parable about love’s struggles for even the smallest among us.

---

Transcript

[Robert Krulwich]

Limu Emu and Doug, here we have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.

[Utkarsh Ambudkar]

Uh, Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us.

[Robert Krulwich]

Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty Liberty.

[Lin-Manuel Miranda]

Liberty.

[Robert Krulwich]

Liberty Savings vary unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts.

[Utkarsh Ambudkar]

If your small business is booming, you.

[Robert Krulwich]

Might say cha Ching.

[Utkarsh Ambudkar]

But you should say, like a good.

[David Goulson]

Neighbor, State Farm is there and we'll.

[Utkarsh Ambudkar]

Help your growing business. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

[Lowe's Advertiser]

At Lowe's before the holidays is the perfect time for upgrades and upkeep. During Black Friday, get up to 50% off, select major appliances and buy more to save more. With up to an additional 25% off when you bundle, select major appliances plus grab select Dewalt 20 volt max drill or impact driver kits for just $99 Lowes we help you save valid through 12 3. Selection varies by location while supplies last seeloze.com for more details.

[Female Listener/Interviewer]

Wait, you're listening.

[Radiolab Announcer]

Okay.

[Robert Krulwich]

All right. Okay. All right.

[David Goulson]

You're listening.

[Robert Krulwich]

Listening to Radiolab Radio Lab from wnyc. I'm Robert Krulwich.

[Molly Webster]

I'm Molly Webster.

[Robert Krulwich]

This is Radiolab.

[Molly Webster]

And this week, Jad is off, nestled into his office, working on the next episode, which will play with a lot of the ideas that came up in our last Gary Hart podcast. But like with pop stars and music.

[Robert Krulwich]

Meantime, we've decided to offer you guys a little Valentine's treat. It's gonna be part prose, part musical in a hip hop sort of way, with some extremely cool guests.

[Molly Webster]

Really?

[Robert Krulwich]

Oh, I promise you, yes. At the end of the show. And it all grows out of a tale we heard about a very small animal, which begins appropriately with a very small noise.

[David Goulson]

Yeah. So in days gone by, people tended to die at home. This is go back a couple of hundred years, before there were hospitals and so on.

[Robert Krulwich]

This, by the way, is David Gulson.

[David Goulson]

I'm a professor of biology at the University of Sussex in the uk.

[Robert Krulwich]

And he told this tale to producer Latif Nasser and I.

[David Goulson]

So you imagine that, you know, grandpa's and looks like he might die soon. So I don't know why that's funny, but. And so he'd be lying in bed upstairs and everyone would be, out of respect, would be very quiet. You know, they'd be creeping around the house. It was a time called the death watch. And when everyone Was really quiet. They'd hear these faint drumming noises coming from the timbers of the house. I can try and do an impression of the noise actually.

[Robert Krulwich]

Yeah, I'd love to hear you.

[David Goulson]

May not work very well, but. But bear with me.

[Robert Krulwich]

Yeah.

[David Goulson]

Do you get that?

[Robert Krulwich]

Yeah, yeah.

[David Goulson]

So five or six identical beats and legend has it that this was the devil drumming his fingers impatiently, waiting for the soul to depart the body so that he could claim it. But turns out actually it's the mating call of a tiny little beetle. The death watch beetle. That's where it gets its name.

[Robert Krulwich]

So Dave became a kind of a fan of these beetles.

[David Goulson]

Oh yeah. It's a widespread species and in fact.

[Robert Krulwich]

He'S got a house that's full of them.

[David Goulson]

It's pretty decrepit, it's slightly falling down, the roof leaks and whatever, but it's home to a whole host of these little beetles.

[Robert Krulwich]

And in the quiet he can hear them. So a while ago he found himself wondering, what's this noise really all about?

[David Goulson]

Which you might not think would be a great mystery, but what he discovered.

[Robert Krulwich]

Is it's all about love. Or at least sex. So today, a story that reminds us how difficult. Lonely, how hard the mating game can be.

[Molly Webster]

Perfect. Valentine's Day.

[Robert Krulwich]

No, no, it'll get better. So we will begin at the beginning, the life cycle.

[David Goulson]

Yeah. So the female bee lays an egg on a piece of dead wood.

[Robert Krulwich]

And Dave said he would watch them and the moms would just, you know, drop their babies randomly, some here, some there, usually into a hole in a log or into a wood beam.

[David Goulson]

And it hatches into the little tiny white grub. So you imagine this little thing, pitch black, you know, in its own little tunnel, on its own. And it starts chewing, it chews away at the wood very, very slowly. And eventually about 10 or 15 years later.

[Robert Krulwich]

Years. It's going to chew for 10 to 15 years?

[David Goulson]

Yeah, for a decade or more, poor things. And eventually it reaches the magnificent size of about a quarter of an inch, at which point it pupates. So it turns into a little chrysalis and a few months later the adult beetle hatches out of that.

[Robert Krulwich]

And so finally it crawls out of the log and onto the surface.

[Female Listener/Interviewer]

Is that the first time they see light?

[David Goulson]

Yeah, yeah, that would be it.

[Robert Krulwich]

Oh, wow.

[David Goulson]

So it's only the adults that you ever really see. And they're possibly the most boring looking insects you could imagine, really. They're about a quarter of an inch long, bullet shaped, dull brown. They're really easily mistaken for mouse droppings, actually and the adult only has really one job and that's to mate. So the male beetle has to find himself a female. So he's got his work cut out for one thing.

[Robert Krulwich]

As an adult, he doesn't eat, he.

[David Goulson]

Can'T feed, so he's going to starve to death in a couple of weeks or so.

[Robert Krulwich]

On top of that, he's nearly blind.

[David Goulson]

Yeah. And that's where this strange drumming noise comes in. That's their way of finding each other in the usually rather dark places where they live.

[Robert Krulwich]

That's your way of saying hello. Hello.

[David Goulson]

Yeah. And they make it by drumming their head. So the male beetle, he kind of braces himself and then he whacks his head five, six times.

[Robert Krulwich]

Oh, you say drumming the head, you mean banging the head?

[David Goulson]

Yeah, it's like headbutts the timber he's sitting on with his kind of forehead, if you like. So that's what makes the drumming noise. He's basically whacking his head against the wood.

[Robert Krulwich]

So he comes out of his hole.

[David Goulson]

Just wanders about and does his little drumming noise.

[Robert Krulwich]

Now, if a human happens to hear.

[David Goulson]

Him, people these days, they tend to spray their houses with insecticides and that's the end of the beetles.

[Robert Krulwich]

Oh, but let's assume. Yes, let's assume that he doesn't get fumigated, okay.

[David Goulson]

He just keeps wandering about, banging his head, and then he pauses for a second, kind of listening to see if anyone replies. And if there's no reply, he wanders on.

[Robert Krulwich]

Unfortunately, according to David, deathwatch beetles are.

[David Goulson]

Quite rare these days. So there is a distinct chance the poor male will never find a female.

[Female Listener/Interviewer]

Oh, this just gets more and more depressing.

[David Goulson]

Well, they preach. Sorry, I'm laughing again.

[Female Listener/Interviewer]

And can you tell the same story from the female's perspective? So she just sort of is. She just waits in silence for three weeks and if no one comes, she.

[David Goulson]

Just sort of keels over and dies. Yeah.

[Female Listener/Interviewer]

Oh, God.

[David Goulson]

She wanders around a little bit, I suppose, in the hope that she might encounter a male, but that is all she does. Tedious life, I'm afraid.

[Robert Krulwich]

But let's imagine again, for the sake of argument, that after the 15 years of chewing and no fumigations for them at all, let's then think, wow, they get really lucky.

[David Goulson]

He gets a reply.

[Robert Krulwich]

They find each other.

[David Goulson]

She makes the noise immediately after she hears the cry of a male. And he then gets very excited because he may have been wondering about banging his head for days. And this little duet gets going. He starts to run around banging his.

[Robert Krulwich]

Head over and over again, you know.

[David Goulson]

This is his moment and eventually by a lot of trial and error and occasionally they got it wrong and fell off the edge and were never seen again. But more often than not he would eventually find the female and the males will immediately jump on top of her and he then continues to drum his head. But this time he's not headbutting the timber, he's whacking her, which I mean each to their own, you know, presumably that works for a female deathwatch beetle, but because they're very short sighted, they will often jump on the wrong way round and that's not so good because the females can actually control, he can't force them to mate. So he has to persuade her to cooperate or else he's going nowhere.

[Robert Krulwich]

Can humans tell if it's going well?

[David Goulson]

Well so usually she carries on replying. So he's banging her in the back of the head and she's then drumming her head on the wood underneath and that's usually a good sign that if she carries on banging her head on the timber that means she's probably gonna make with him within the next minute or two.

[Robert Krulwich]

But Dave says when he has watched this happen, he's noticed that quite often.

[David Goulson]

The females wouldn't mate even though, you know, they'd maybe been sitting there for days waiting for a partner to come along. And then when one finally does and he finally gets to them, they're not interested, you know, it's not good.

[Robert Krulwich]

I thought that they were, they only have three weeks.

[Female Listener/Interviewer]

That is so shocking to me.

[Robert Krulwich]

This is a very discerning lady that she chooses death over an ugly mate.

[David Goulson]

Well, I guess she's not actually. She's hoping that she'll get a better mate. There's another fish in the sea.

[Robert Krulwich]

Another fish in the sea, hopefully.

[David Goulson]

But I thought what's the difference? Why are some males successful and some not? And it quickly became clear that the heavier the male, the more likely he was to, to be successful.

[Robert Krulwich]

So is there some explanation for why?

[David Goulson]

So actually these things, they, they produce quite staggering amounts of sperm, it turns out.

[Female Listener/Interviewer]

What is stag? What do you mean by staggering?

[David Goulson]

The average was 13% of his body weight.

[Robert Krulwich]

13%. If that were us, like what would that be like?

[David Goulson]

We were talking about three or four gallons. So you know, think about that for a bit. It's best not to think about that too much really. But. Cause that's just so gross. It's a slightly disturbing.

[Robert Krulwich]

So the deep tragedy here would be to be a member of this species and to Be born scrawny. Scrawny, Yeah. I mean, just out of curiosity, how big are you?

[David Goulson]

I'm moderately skinny, so if I was a moderately skinny, I'd be in trouble. Anyway, so what I really wanted to know, were the females actually just weighing the males or was it something that was correlated with being a big male? You know, maybe they were stronger or made a louder noise or something. And so the obvious way to try and find out was to artificially change the weight of the males to make.

[Female Listener/Interviewer]

Tiny fat suits for the.

[David Goulson]

Well, exactly, yeah. Not quite, but I wish this worked for people, it would be hilarious, but I don't think it does. So we have this stuff called Blu Tack in the uk. Do you have Blu Tack over there?

[Female Listener/Interviewer]

I don't know, but it's like Sticky Tack.

[David Goulson]

Sticky Tack. I guess you use it to stick posters on the wall.

[Robert Krulwich]

So Dave went to the store, bought some of this stuff and then just beat it up into little bits and.

[David Goulson]

Stuck them on the back of males to make them a little bit heavier. And for the skinny males, it worked an absolute treat. These males, I do feel slightly mean that those poor females obviously were getting a bit short changed, but hopefully they managed to produce some eggs anyway, because.

[Robert Krulwich]

In the end, Dave finds these beetles, the males and the females, surprisingly charming. And after all, he does live with them. A lot of them.

[David Goulson]

They're still in my house, they're still chewing away at the beans. I've been. I'm torn. You know, part of me knows that if I don't spray them with some insecticide, then eventually the roof will start to collapse, but it's going to take decades and I kind of quite like having them there. So for the moment, they've been spared and I kind of quite like listening to them tapping away in the springtime.

[Robert Krulwich]

So you're sitting in bed at dawn or dusk and you hear the quiet banging and you think, yeah, yeah.

[David Goulson]

It's funny, isn't it, that people thought this was a sinister noise and actually, it's all about love.

[Molly Webster]

Thank you to Dave Goulson, who wrote a book all about these bugs, A Buzz in the the Natural History Of.

[Robert Krulwich]

A French Farm and. Oh, I didn't mention to you it's a French farm. He has this little place in France that he goes to one month a year and that's where he communes with.

[Molly Webster]

His beetle friends and has one of the saddest months thinking about this drug.

[Robert Krulwich]

Did you find it terribly sad?

[Molly Webster]

I found it. It made me think that dating in New York was pretty easy all Right.

[Robert Krulwich]

For people who are feeling. If you're feeling sad, we want to end that problem right away. In the next part of this show, we're going to revisit this story in such a crazily new way for us, the guys from Hamilton, the hot Broadway show, I told some of them this story that you just heard, and they have decided to musicalize the tale. And they will do that right after this brief pause. But, oh, before, while, during the pause, you know how raunchy this story is. Well, it only gets more so when it's in the musical tale. So you might want to ask your. Your little ones to leave the room around now and then you should, by all means, stay for the after party.

[Molly Webster]

This is Melanie calling from Durham, North Carolina. Radiolab is supported in part by the Alfred P. Sloan foundation, enhancing public understanding of science and technology in the modern world. More information about [e-mail].

[Radiolab Announcer]

Radiolab is supported by Built. Nobody wants to pay rent. But if you have to, BILT works to make it more worthwhile. By paying rent through Bilt, you can earn flexible points that can be redeemed toward hundreds of hotels and airlines, a future rent payment, your next Lyft ride, and more. But it doesn't stop there. You can dine out at your favorite local restaurants and earn additional points, get VIP treatment at certain fitness studios, and enjoy exclusive experiences just for BILT members. Every month, earn points on rent and around your neighborhood, wherever you call home, by going to joinbilt.com Radiolab that's J-O-I-N-B-I-L T.com Radiolab.

[Molly Webster]

Hey, I'm Molly Webster, and this is an ad by BetterHelp. So it happens every year. The seasons are changing, the days are getting shorter, and basically, once it becomes dark outside of my window, I feel like the rest of the world disappears and I'm just alone and there's nothing left to do but watch television. This November, Better Help is asking everyone to reach out to our people that could be your family, your friends, your neighbors, and to resist this call of the cocoon. And yeah, reaching out can take some courage. I've got text messages from January I haven't responded to. And you know what? I'm gonna write them back right now. Hi, sorry I've been missing. How are you? Why don't we all do this sooner? Therapy is the same way. BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step. You just fill out a short questionnaire and they find a licensed therapist who they think you'll like Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com Radiolab that's betterhelp.com Radiolab.

[Female Listener/Interviewer]

Radiolab is supported by Rippling Finance teams often spend weeks chasing receipts, reconciling spreadsheets and fixing errors across disconnected spend tools. This can be frustrating, and that's not software as a service. That's sad software as a disservice. If you've been thinking about replacing stitched together tech stacks with one platform for all departments, Rippling can help. Rippling is a unified platform for global hr, payroll, IT and finance, helping people replace their mess of cobbled together tools with one system. Designed to help give leaders clarity, speed and control. By uniting employees, teams and departments in one system, Rippling works to remove the bottlenecks, busywork and silos in business software. With Rippling, you can choose to run hr, IT and finance operations as one, or pick and choose the products that best fill the gaps. Right now you can get 6 months free when you go to rippling.com Radiolab learn more at r I p p l-I n g.com Radiolab terms and conditions apply. Radiolab is supported by Planet Visionaries, the podcast created in partnership with the Rolex Perpetual Planet Initiative. Stay tuned for a trailer and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.

[Alex Hondel]

I'm Alex Hondel, professional rock climber and founder of the Hahnel Foundation. I wanted to let you know about a brand new season of the Planet Visionaries podcast in partnership with the Rolex Perpetual Planet Initiative. This is the podcast exploring bold ideas and big solutions from the people leading the way in conservation. Join me in conversation with the likes of climate champion Mark Ruffalo, biologist and photographer Christina Mittermeier, and one of the most successful conservationists of our time, Chris Tompkins. Join us on Planet Visionaries wherever you get your podcasts.

[Robert Krulwich]

I'm Robert Krulwich.

[Molly Webster]

I'm Molly Webster.

[Robert Krulwich]

This is Act 2 in which when I put together any story, as you know, I just wander around and tell it to every single person I know. It's how you do it. So yeah, it could be strangers. So I was talking to a friend of mine who's in the theater, a guy named Tommy Kail. And I'm talking to him and I'm saying I'm wondering what's going on in the minds of these little assuming that they have minds, these little animals. Cause it seems so unfair. 15 years of chewing and then this. So he said, you know, we could be those Beatles.

[Molly Webster]

Wait, who's the We.

[Robert Krulwich]

Well, we is an improvisational freestyle group called Freestyle Love Supreme. And it's now this. I should tell you. Tommy goes to Lin Manuel Miranda, who's no joke, who is Hamilton in the hit musical Hamilton. And he writes. He says, I'll be one of the Beatles. And then they go to Utar Ambudkar, who was in a movie called Pitch Perfect, where he played a rapper. Oh, yeah, and by the way, this is all. Guys, this is like. You have to think of yourself as in an Elizabethan Beatle situation.

[Molly Webster]

This is Shakespearean death Watch Beatle.

[Robert Krulwich]

That's right. All the lady parts will be played by males. So Lyn's gonna be the woman, and Utkarsh is gonna be the man. So here is the male Beetle being the beetle that he hopes he can be.

[Utkarsh Ambudkar]

Hey, ladies, I said the wait is over. Get ready for the beautiful beat to Casanova. He is I and I am him. The most masculine beetle by the name of Slim. Now evolution made me small so I could slip through the cracks I'll be the first one to jump on a lady beetle's back but it's hard out here and I'm not playing the human beings hear me and then they get this praying they think that I'm the devil so they get to fumigatin they don't understand that I'm only procreating But I'm slimmer so I'm a winner I finally see the sun peep a shorty and I know that she the one so I'm like beetle, baby doll, let's get involved I want to give it to you all right here on this log I've been chewing through that wood for my entire life and it feels so good to finally find a wife yeah, I guarantee I'm your chosen but can you remind me which end it goes in?

[Molly Webster]

This is hard yeah, it's hard out there for a Beatle but for the.

[Robert Krulwich]

Female, played by Lin Miranda, I mean, she's gonna have her own agenda. She needs to find a guy. It has to be. She hopes it will Best guy.

[Lin-Manuel Miranda]

But I don't know Somebody's knocking Could this be the beetle I've been waiting for? Somebody's knocking baby is this a mate worth waiting for? My mama told me to never settle I always did as I was told I'm looking for a hottie With a body full of sperm and deep down a heart of gold but when you hear that knocking and it's a sound so rare Is the grass always greener? Is there a heavier beetle Somewhere, somebody's knocking. But I am a beetle worth waiting for. Somebody's knocking. I'm gonna wait for something more.

[Molly Webster]

The power of the female and the.

[Robert Krulwich]

Sadness for the guy. But this is a Valentine's Day.

[Molly Webster]

You never feel sad for the lady. What if she gets some lame dude and she's like, oh, my God, I've waited 15 years for this, and I can't do it with. And she has to move on and fall off the table.

[Robert Krulwich]

Okay, okay. But now you know that Professor Gulson is our cupid here after a fact, right?

[Molly Webster]

He's gonna save both of our sad souls.

[Robert Krulwich]

Yes, with the sticky tack. So here is the this is kind of a lame Valentina card when I'm thinking about it. But here is our finish to our own Valentine's tale. Little Romeo and Juliet.

[Alex Hondel]

Ish.

[Robert Krulwich]

Actually.

[Utkarsh Ambudkar]

Against all odds, I'm gonna make.

[Lin-Manuel Miranda]

You mine at the end of the day.

[Utkarsh Ambudkar]

Wait, I'm half blind. Where are you?

[Lin-Manuel Miranda]

Fine.

[Utkarsh Ambudkar]

Oh, there you are. I've been chewing all my life long trying to put the work in beetle. Baby doll, don't let me die a virgin I'm certain I love will burn like embers I'll be the one and only love you remember Keep banging your head on that timber. I agree, it'd be easier with Tinder, but let me loose inside your caboose so I could give you some of my beetle juice.

[Lin-Manuel Miranda]

Somebody's knocking.

[Utkarsh Ambudkar]

Okay, I know I was playing it cool before, but seriously, I got no clue what I'm doing. So if you could help me out, you'd be doing me a real solid. Little did she know Before I beat it, the doctor helped me. I cheated. Slim wins a. I'm dead, but what.

[Robert Krulwich]

A way to go. Okay, it is time, of course, for us to go. Thanks especially to Freestyle Love supreme. And to Utkosh Amudkar, otherwise known as utk. To Thomas Kahle and to Lin Manuel Miranda.

[Molly Webster]

And to our producers on this episode, Soren Wheeler and Simon Adler. Thank you. Thank you.

[Robert Krulwich]

I'm Robert Krulwich.

[Molly Webster]

I'm Molly Webster.

[Robert Krulwich]

And happy Valentine's Day.

[Molly Webster]

Happy Valentine's Day, Robert.

[Robert Krulwich]

Yeah, you too.

[David Goulson]

You too.

[Dave Goulson (closing message)]

Message one. Hi, this is Dave Galfen leaving a message. This is the credits for the show. Radiolab is produced by Jad Abumrad, if that's pronounced correctly. Our staff includes Simon Adler, Brenna Farrell, David Gable, Dylan Keefe, Matt Kielty, Robert Crawich, Andy Mills, Latif Nasser, Kelsey Padgett, Ariane Wack, Molly Webster, Thorin Wheeler, and Jamie York. With help from Alexandra B. Young. Tracy Hunt. Stepnahy. It says here Tam. That must be Stephanie. Tam and Mika Lowinger. Our fact checkers are Eva Dasher and Michelle Harris. And I'm Dave Gorson. Good night. End of message.