Who Am I?

Summary

Radiolab – "Who Am I?" (May 7, 2007)

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Episode Overview

In this thought-provoking episode, Jad Abumrad and Robert Krulwich explore the enduring mysteries of selfhood, consciousness, and identity. Taking listeners on a journey from cutting-edge neuroscience labs to personal stories of brain injury and even into the peculiar landscape of dreams, the show interrogates what makes us who we are. With a blend of storytelling and scientific inquiry, “Who Am I?” examines whether the self is an immutable core, a story, a function of brain architecture, or something more mysterious and plural than we imagine.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Biological Mirror: The Self, the Brain, and Feedback

• Steven Johnson’s Biofeedback Experiment ([01:47]–[03:33])
  • Author Steven Johnson recounts how a biofeedback session revealed “spikes” of adrenaline whenever he told a joke, prompting deep reflection on compulsive behaviors and his own identity.
  • “Somehow, years ago, I set up this little circuit in my head that guaranteed me this little jolt of adrenaline every time I made a joke. And I felt kind of like a drug addict more than a funny guy.” – Steven Johnson ([03:17])

2. Looking for the Self in the Brain

• Brain Imaging and the Search for the Soul ([03:45]–[07:18])

  • The hosts describe new technologies that let us “see” the brain in action, paralleling the birth of mirrors as a turning point for self-awareness in Western culture.
  • The question is posed: Where is the self, really?

• Historical and Scientific Views ([07:18]–[08:57])

  • Early theories placed the soul in the heart; scientific consensus now points to the astonishing complexities of neurons in the brain.
  • “It’s the activities of these neurons, the flux of ions across them, the passage of current, that is life.” – Robert Krulwich ([07:53])

3. Animal Self-Recognition and the “Right Brain”

• The Mark Test with Chimps ([08:37]–[11:42])

  • Julian Keenan describes the classic “mark test” demonstrating that chimpanzees can recognize themselves, forming the basis for debates on animal consciousness and rights.
  • “This was a major discovery because it revealed that the chimpanzee has some sense of self-awareness. Now, what that may sort of mean is that…it might have a soul or a self, a lot like humans have.” – Julian Keenan ([11:12])

• Self-Recognition & Hemispheric Specialization ([12:02]–[15:28])

  • Keenan details his “morph test,” blending images of people and celebrities (e.g., Bill Clinton) to study self-recognition. He finds it is the right hemisphere that lets us see ourselves.
  • “Without the right hemisphere, they wouldn’t see themselves. But when they did have the right hemisphere, they always saw themselves.” – Julian Keenan ([14:19])
  • The notion: self-awareness is “lopsided,” heavily reliant on the right hemisphere.

4. The Self, Memory, and Narrative—What Happens When It Changes?

• A Brain Aneurysm and Identity Transformation
  • A deeply moving segment by Hannah Palin about her mother’s aneurysm ([15:49]–[24:07]):
    • After her mother’s brain injury, Palin encounters a transformed parent: “The mother I grew up with died that day and was replaced by an entirely different person…” ([19:18])
    • The story explores radical shifts in personality, likes/dislikes, and how those left behind adapt.
    • “I love sex now. I didn’t…wasn’t too crazy about it before. I don’t know what the difference is, but I’m just more open to that kind of thing.” – Hannah’s Mother ([21:08])
    • Palin reflects on the importance of presence, acceptance, and the ephemerality of self.
  • Neuropsychologist Paul Broks weighs in: “We are all just a car crash or a slip away from being a different person.” ([24:31])
    • He argues our sense of self is fragile and underpinned by brain function, rather than an immaterial soul.
    • “Essentially what I tell you if you ask me about myself is I tell you a story.” – Paul Broks ([27:49])

5. The Self as Story—Human Uniqueness

• A Story-Making Brain ([31:40]–[38:20])
  • Building on the idea that the self is a narrative, Robert Krulwich and V.S. Ramachandran discuss how humans uniquely construct, manipulate, and abstract images and symbolic concepts—something no other species can do.
  • “An idea of self is really a story that we tell ourselves. It can change from day to day…” – Robert Krulwich ([38:00])
  • Humans, unlike worms or monkeys, can imagine things—like a purple-striped red canary—that don’t exist.

6. Dreams: The “Little People” Within

• Dreaming and Multiplicity ([38:40]–[49:09])
  • Asleep, the “self” splinters. Robert Louis Stevenson’s essay “A Chapter on Dreams” inspires a rich radio play exploring how we seem to have “little people” creating stories inside us, separate from our waking ego.
  • “The little people are substantive inventors and performers… it was not his tale. It was the little people’s.” – Robert Louis Stevenson, performed ([48:32])
  • Paul Broks and the hosts question: where is the seat of agency in the brain if these “characters” can operate autonomously?

7. The Plural Self

• Neurological and Literary Perspectives ([50:50]–[53:26])
  • The hosts argue that what we perceive as a unitary “one” is really the concerted action of many: “You are always plural.” ([52:04])
  • Brain cells act together to produce the illusion of unity.

8. Porous Boundaries: The Self Extending Beyond the Skull

• Family, Memory, and Identity Transmission ([53:40]–[60:45])
  • Biologist Robert Sapolsky tells a personal story about his father’s memory disorder, showing how their autobiographical stories blended as his father’s illness progressed.
    • His own behaviors (“wearing his shirts,” “keeping his nitroglycerin bottle”) mirror his father’s, a literal merging of self and other.
    • “It is a perfectly normal non-pathological state to feel at times of extreme emotional challenge that interconnected with another person, that in some ways the boundaries slip a little bit.” – Robert Sapolsky ([59:20])
  • Krulwich notes, “Our borders are full of leaks”; the self is porous.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On biofeedback and self-understanding:

  • “I felt kind of like a drug addict more than a funny guy.” – Steven Johnson ([03:17])

• On the brain as the seat of self:

  • “What we call our mental life, our thoughts, our ideas, our ambitions, our passions, our fear of death, our love life, everything, even what you think of as your own intimate self… is the activity of these little specks of jelly.” – Robert Krulwich ([07:53])

• On self as story:

  • “If I’m understanding you correctly, ourselves are simply a narrative, a sort of narrative center.” – Jad Abumrad ([27:49])
  • “An idea of self is really a story that we tell ourselves.” – Robert Krulwich ([38:00])

• On identity’s fragility:

  • “We are all just a car crash or a slip away from being a different person.” – Paul Broks ([24:47])

• On the plurality of the self:

  • “You are always plural.” – Robert Krulwich ([52:04])

• On porous personal boundaries:

  • “It can only come as an echo, a hint in our armored individuated world, that a bit of confusion as to ego boundaries can be an act of health, of homage and love. … if in the end someone mistakes you for him.” – Robert Krulwich ([59:36])

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Segment Timestamps

• Biofeedback & Steven Johnson’s Story: [01:47]–[03:38]
• Brain Imaging & Mirror Metaphor: [03:45]–[07:18]
• Self in Neurons & Evolution: [07:18]–[08:57]
• Chimp Mark Test & Right Hemisphere: [08:57]–[15:28]
• Hannah Palin’s Story (Identity After Brain Injury): [15:49]–[24:07]
• Paul Broks on Memory, Narrative & the Soul: [24:13]–[28:08]
• The Self as Narrative (with V.S. Ramachandran): [31:40]–[38:20]
• Dreams & Stevenson’s “Little People”: [38:40]–[49:09]
• The Plural Self: [50:50]–[53:26]
• Robert Sapolsky, Family, Identity Blending: [53:40]–[60:45]

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Tone & Language

The episode blends personal anecdote, accessible science, literary excerpts, and signature Radiolab sound design for a warm, curious, and compassionate rumination on one of the biggest questions of all: Who am I? The show is playful but never glib, navigating the boundaries of scientific knowledge and human experience with humility and awe.

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For Further Exploration

• Paul Broks, Into the Silent Land
• Robert Sapolsky, The Trouble with Testosterone
• Steven Johnson, Writer & Science Communicator

(Visit Radiolab.org for additional resources and links.)

Transcript

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[Robert Krulwich]

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[Jad Abumrad]

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[Jad Abumrad]

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[Robert Krulwich]

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[Jad Abumrad]

Big gifts, big perks. That's why you rack.

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[Narrator/Guest]

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[Narrator/Guest]

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[Producer/Guest]

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[Robert Krulwich]

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[Jad Abumrad]

Exclusions apply. Okay. Okay. You're listening to radio lab on new york public radio. Public radio w n y c. Recently we interviewed a guy named Steven Johnson who wrote a book. And he tells this story of how the book came about.

[Narrator/Guest]

There was one specific event, actually, that really kind of triggered it, which is that I tried a biofeedback experiment.

[Jad Abumrad]

He had found a place where he could get hooked up to a bunch of sensors and probes and then see what was happening inside his body in real time.

[Narrator/Guest]

So I went in, having been kind of curious about this, and tried it out. And it's kind of a therapeutic environment where there's a kind of a doctor who sits there and talks to you. It's a bit like going to a shrink. And we started this session, and there was a little screen, and you see this little line kind of scrolling along. And initially it's very. Even kind of flat line. And after about a minute or two of talking, the doctor actually said, you know, your adrenaline system seems very well regulated. Like I said, thank you very much. Thank you. I've always suspected that it was. And then for some reason, about a minute or two after that, I decided, as I sometimes do, that I would make a joke. And so I tossed out some stupid little joke about something, and instantly a huge spike appeared on the screen. There was this giant kind of surge of adrenaline that had been released in my body. And we both kind of turned and looked at the monitor and said, whoa, what was that? And then at the end of this session, we talked for about 30 minutes, and he gave me this printout of the whole session. And it was effectively a chart of my attempts at humor, this flat line interrupted by six spikes of jokes, you know, successful or otherwise, that I tried to make. And I looked at that, and I thought of all the times over the years that I had found myself, you know, making borderline inappropriate jokes in situations where a joke was probably not the appropriate thing to do when I teach, you know, compulsively making jokes to get laughs from the students. And I thought, somehow, years ago, I set up this little circuit in my head that guaranteed me this little jolt of adrenaline every time I made a joke. And I felt kind of like a drug addict more than a funny guy.

[Jad Abumrad]

A glimpse of himself he was not prepared for. And it got him thinking, how many.

[Narrator/Guest]

Other routines like that are going on in my head at any given time? And what would happen if I went out and tried to track them down?

[Jad Abumrad]

What would happen is he'd write a book, a book about the brain, which in turn got us interested in the brain. And what better time? In the thousands of years that human beings have been curious about what's going on in our heads, we can actually find out now. Get inside a charged, buzzing brain remotely while the owner of that brain is still alive, doing normal things like wiggling a finger or drinking a Pepsi. Using giant magnets, researchers can watch blood flow in the brain and guess at what part of the brain commands the finger to wiggle. What part likes Pepsi? What part, like Scope, which part leans Democrat, which Republican? Seriously, these are tests researchers have actually done. They've put brain imaging helmets on nuns as they meditate, sleepers as they dream. It is a new world, Not unlike 17th century Venice, when craftspeople figured out a deep mystery how to take a piece of glass, line it with tin, and make a mirror. A mirror that was cheap and more importantly, straight. All of a sudden, Europeans could see their own reflection as they actually are. Not wobbly or distorted. Or imagine even earlier when Narcissus accidentally catches his own reflection in a pond and is amazed at that Mysterious person looking back at him from the cloudy depths.

[Narrator/Guest]

I remember being 7 or 8, and I would, you know, kind of look into the mirror and have those moments of like, that's me, that's me in the mirror. That's weird.

[Jad Abumrad]

That.

[Narrator/Guest]

What does it mean that I'm me? And, you know, I'd have those kind of slightly surreal moments when I was 7, and to some extent I can't get those moments anymore. Like, I could kind of get the weirdness of kind of looking at yourself and thinking, what does it mean that I'm me?

[Jad Abumrad]

What Steven Johnson just described, standing in front of a mirror and freaking out, is a little like repeating a word over and over. The meaning of the word gets disassociated from the sound. Just like the image of you becomes disconnected from the real you, the inner you, the little guy sitting at the controls behind your eyes. The self, the soul, whatever you want to call it. That thing is something scientists are looking for right now, and it's what we'll be looking for this hour. Where is it?

[Robert Krulwich]

Where? You mean where's. Where is it the inner real me?

[Jad Abumrad]

Yeah, your self.

[Robert Krulwich]

That's such a big question. Well, introduce yourself and then we can begin talking about this.

[Jad Abumrad]

Okay, this is Radiolab. I'm Jad Abumrad, and you?

[Robert Krulwich]

Robert Krolwich. We know that our bodies change, all our cells change, moods change, dreams change. Everything about a normal, healthy person is flux, is change. Yet somehow there is a oneness, a through line, a continuous sense of self. You wonder, like, how the heck does that happen? Where is this self thing?

[Jad Abumrad]

And that's how we're going to start. We're going to hear from somebody who thinks he's found it, thinks he can point to it inside us. Later in the program, we'll hear a story of a woman who has certainly lost it, woke up one day as a completely different person.

[Robert Krulwich]

And I will introduce you to a scientist who says he can explain. At least he has a good theory about why human brains differ from all the brains of all the other creatures.

[Jad Abumrad]

All that is coming up. Okay, let's get things started.

[Robert Krulwich]

When you ask the basic question, where is the self? The ancients had an answer, always the same answer. Right there. That's where the center of rational thought, speech, everything, is.

[Jad Abumrad]

Didn't they actually try and cut it open and see if it was living in there?

[Robert Krulwich]

Yeah, and then they found out it was a pump. So they were really disappointed. So they began to gaze upward a bit. And here's the modern prejudice. V. S. Ramachandran is one of the world's great neurologists. If you ask him where the self lies, he'll tell you without any question. It lies where you'd hear this.

[Jad Abumrad]

And that is what?

[Robert Krulwich]

That is the sound of a neuron firing. It's astonishing that we've got 100 billion little wisps of jelly in your head called neurons. And it's activities of these neurons, the flux of ions across them, the passage of current, that is life. You know what we call our mental life? Our thoughts, our ideas, our ambitions, our passions, our fear of death, our love life, everything, even what you think of as your own intimate self, you is the activity of these little specks of jelly. This is the greatest realization in the last hundred years. In a sense, it's obvious when stated in that manner.

[Jad Abumrad]

But not all brains can do what he just described.

[Robert Krulwich]

What makes you think that?

[Jad Abumrad]

Let me introduce you to Julian Keenan. He works at Montclair State University. Talked to him recently, he told me this story of many years ago, his mentor, Gordon Gallup, did an experiment. He took a bunch of chimpanzees, put them in a room with a mirror where they could see their own reflection. When he did, this is what happened.

[Narrator/Guest]

At first, they would attack the mirror. They started beating their chest and started threatening it as if the animal in the mirror was another chimpanzee. But then slowly, over the course of tens of minutes, the chimp began to say, wait a minute, this guy's doing exactly what I'm doing.

[Jad Abumrad]

Wasn't there something about them sticking their butts on the mirror too?

[Narrator/Guest]

Yeah, there was a lot of that going on. And they would choose, show you all the signs that they knew that that was them in the mirror.

[Robert Krulwich]

Wait, how did they know? How does a chimp know that the image in the mirror is the chimp? Couldn't he be thinking, oh, let's just bash butts with that other chimp?

[Jad Abumrad]

Yes, you're right. This is anecdotal. How do you prove it? And that, says Julian, is where a clever little technique called the mark test comes in.

[Narrator/Guest]

My mentor, Gordon Gallup, one day he was shaving, and as he turned away from the mirror, I think there was a spot of shaving cream left on his face. And as he was wiping it off, he wondered, would a chimp do the same thing?

[Jad Abumrad]

In other words, would the chimp look at the mirror and think, hmm, that guy sure does look like me, Moves like me. Maybe that creature is me. If that guy has a spot on his face, maybe I have a Spot on my face. To test this, to see if chimps can recognize themselves, they did an experiment.

[Narrator/Guest]

So you knock him out, you give him some anesthesia, a half hour, you knock them out, and while they're unconscious, you just paint a red mark on top of their forehead, wait for them.

[Jad Abumrad]

To wake up, and then you put.

[Narrator/Guest]

Them in front of a mirror again.

[Jad Abumrad]

And there is the test. The chimp wakes up with a spot on its head and then touches the spot on its own head.

[Narrator/Guest]

I mean, the typical thing that it will do is it will wipe the mark and then smell. What is that? Is that food? Is that tree SAP? And that was clear evidence that these chimpanzees recognize themselves.

[Robert Krulwich]

Oh, my God. That's pretty interesting, isn't it? Yeah.

[Jad Abumrad]

Especially if you think about what the chip is doing. It's creating a representation of itself that floats free of its body. That over there is the same thing as me over here.

[Robert Krulwich]

Well, it's very intellectual, you know, because you can't feel that other guy. You don't know that it's you from touch. You just see it over there and you know, somehow that's you.

[Jad Abumrad]

Exactly.

[Robert Krulwich]

That's. That's your brain going there. That's your brain.

[Jad Abumrad]

And this thing with the chimps open up a Pandora's box.

[Narrator/Guest]

This was a major discovery because it revealed that the chimpanzee has some sense of self awareness. Now, what that sort of means is that, well, the chimpanzee might have a soul or a self, a lot like humans have. And it immediately brought up a lot of ethical considerations. You know, should they be in zoos? I mean, should we charge them for murder? You know, do they have equal rights? And there are some people today who are even fighting for, for equal rights for chimpanzees.

[Robert Krulwich]

Well, these are unusually passionate people, you know, but the question that lingers in my mind is where did this idea of a self recognizing a self, where does it come from?

[Jad Abumrad]

Where do our mirror powers come from?

[Robert Krulwich]

Yeah.

[Jad Abumrad]

Bill Clinton.

[Robert Krulwich]

From who?

[Jad Abumrad]

Bill Clinton.

[Robert Krulwich]

President Bill Clinton?

[Jad Abumrad]

Yes.

[Robert Krulwich]

Why?

[Jad Abumrad]

I mean, it's not really Bill Clinton, but he does figure largely into an experiment that Julian Keenan did recently that tries to answer that question.

[Narrator/Guest]

Well, the sort of idea was, can we get a sort of more elegant way of testing self recognition? We know that humans recognize their own faces. So what we came up with was this morph design. And I was at CompUSA and saw this bargain bin 999 morph software, which we still use today.

[Jad Abumrad]

And with this software, Julian Keenan does the following. He Takes a photo of himself and a photo of Bill Clinton he has lying around.

[Robert Krulwich]

We all have. I mean, I have a photo.

[Jad Abumrad]

He's a big Bill Clinton fan. And he digitally smooshes the two photos together, makes a morph. 50% Julian, 50% Bill.

[Robert Krulwich]

So right on top of each other.

[Jad Abumrad]

Yes. Like in that Michael Jackson video. I don't remember.

[Robert Krulwich]

Oh, yeah, I remember that one.

[Jad Abumrad]

The first thing he realizes when he takes a glance at this photo is that he finds it very easy to see himself in the morph.

[Narrator/Guest]

I would always say, oh, that looks like me.

[Jad Abumrad]

Whereas when other people see the morph, the first thing they see is Bill Clinton.

[Narrator/Guest]

Anyone else looking at that picture would say, you're out of your mind. Right. That looks like Bill Clinton.

[Jad Abumrad]

Julian. Cecil. Julian. Everyone else sees Bill.

[Narrator/Guest]

And what we term that was the self effect. There's this real affinity to see yourself in these morphs.

[Jad Abumrad]

And that's where things get interesting. He tries it out on his patients. Takes a photo of Bill Clinton.

[Robert Sapolsky]

I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

[Jad Abumrad]

And a photo of a test subject, which, let's pretend for the moment, is you.

[Robert Krulwich]

I did not have sexual.

[Producer/Guest]

Relationship.

[Robert Krulwich]

Sexual relations with that woman.

[Jad Abumrad]

Good. And with the computer. He morphs the two together.

[Robert Krulwich]

I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

[Jad Abumrad]

So he shows you the picture. Same thing. You see more of you in the morph. Everyone else sees more of Bill. In the morph. You see more of you, they see less of you. Now, the twist. Julian injects you with a special anesthesia that puts half your brain to sleep.

[Narrator/Guest]

You can anesthetize safely. Anesthetize each hemisphere one at a time. So you can knock out the left hemisphere for about five minutes and. Or knock out the right hemisphere for about five minutes. Now, what we did was we showed them these morphs. So a 5050 picture. And what we found was that without the right hemisphere, they wouldn't see themselves. But when they did have the right hemisphere, they always saw themselves.

[Jad Abumrad]

In other words, Robert, when you're looking at this morph of you and Bill Clinton and the right side of your brain is turned off, you will see mostly Bill.

[Robert Sapolsky]

I did not have.

[Jad Abumrad]

But when the right side of you is turned back on, suddenly you will see mostly you again.

[Robert Krulwich]

Sexual relations with that woman.

[Jad Abumrad]

Yes.

[Robert Krulwich]

So what you're saying then is my ability to recognize myself is somehow lodged in the right side of my head?

[Jad Abumrad]

That's what he thinks. This seems to be a real victory for the right hemisphere. I mean, we always talk about the left hemisphere as being the smart one that does language, can solve problems, does math. But here you're saying without the right hemisphere, we wouldn't really know who we are.

[Narrator/Guest]

Right. You know, sometimes it feels like when you're crusading for right hemisphere rights, you know, we're going to march on Washington or something. The right hemisphere has been called the minor hemisphere throughout the whole of last century because it doesn't have language. And I think that this is really the main reason we have a right hemisphere is it gives us self awareness.

[Robert Krulwich]

So the idea of a self while in our brains, it turns out, is from a neighborhood in our brains, if you believe this guy.

[Jad Abumrad]

Yeah, it's kind of lopsided. Over to the right.

[Robert Krulwich]

Over to the right. Which, you know, I thought myself was kind of everywhere.

[Jad Abumrad]

But, you know, pinning it down might not be as easy as Julian thinks, especially when you hear stories like this next one about how the soul or the self can just sometimes take a walk. Producer Hannah Palin tells this story of her mother.

[Producer/Guest]

Fifteen years ago, my mother had a brain aneurysm when she was only 46 years old. I've come to refer to it as the day my mother's head exploded. It was Friday, the 20th of August, and I woke up with a bad headache. And in the past, I go to an aerobics class and my headache would go away, and it was just like magic. It was great. And I went to the aerobics class and I worked out a little bit, and the headache just kept getting worse and worse. Somebody took it upon themselves to call 911. And I was laying on the couch and all these little men came in with a stretcher and whisked me off to St. Francis Hospital in Beacon. And that's the last thing I remember for four months. When I finally arrived by my mother's bedside, my stepfather led me into the tiny room where my mother lay hooked up to every conceivable wire and monitor. I took her hand just to let her know that I was finally there, and she responded with a surprisingly tight squeeze. She knew her only child was there, and her spirit wanted to let me know how happy she was. But her fragile body just couldn't handle it. Every monitor in the room went crazy. Alarm bells went off. The room became this living thing, hissing and beeping, consuming my mother's lifeblood. Nurses and doctors filled the room. My mother tightened her grip on my hand. And then I fainted. The mother I grew up with died that day and was replaced by an entirely different person who just happens to have the same memories and body and family and a dress as my dead mother. She spent the next three months unconscious in intensive care. After an operation to repair her aneurysm, My mother spent two more months in a regular hospital. She was able to sit up and talk a little bit and was conscious, although not exactly coherent. One day, I couldn't help but ask where she thought her spirit had gone. While the rest of her lay unconscious at the Westchester Medical center, she told me she'd been in Vietnam. Well, I remember that I was a little old man in Vietnam, and I grew vegetables. It has something to do with reincarnation, I think. I don't know if that was a previous life or that's the life I'm going to or what. But it was so far away from anything I know now. I know nothing about vegetables. And I know nothing about Vietnam. And I know nothing about being a little old man. But that's what it was. When Christmas came around, my mother was moved to a rehab facility. But she was still just the shell of a person. She could barely talk. She was using a walker. She needed help going to the bathroom. She still had a feeding tube coming out of her stomach. I had to learn to walk again. I had to learn to climb stairs. It was a real weird sensation being 46 years old and having to learn to walk again. After seven months, my mother was released from the hospital. And I returned to Chicago to pick up my life where I left off. When I returned home, I found myself grieving and feeling really guilty about it. I mean, my mother was still alive. I was supposed to be happy. But I just kept feeling like she was gone forever. So I ordered myself to have patience to wait it out. I was her daughter. She needed me. And then slowly, very slowly, this other person began to emerge. I know what we can do. This thing.

[Jad Abumrad]

Hannah.

[Producer/Guest]

Okay, get ready. Bye. My Coney Island. That's my mother and I singing together. My mother never used to sing. Now she'll erupt into song with the mere hint of an attentive audience. And then she got a tattoo above her left knee. A little red heart on a green stem. She's addicted to Wendy's hamburgers and even sings a little song about how much she loves going there. I tell myself my mother wasn't always like this. My mother used to be very proper, very meticulous, very aware of social conventions. The ones that usually discourage people from wearing Groucho Marx glasses while singing hey, Good Lookin in the middle of an airport. I used to be very Perfectionist oriented. Now if things are perfect, that's nice. If they're not so perfect, it's okay.

[Jad Abumrad]

It's all just okay.

[Producer/Guest]

Yeah, yeah, everything is okay. I love sex now. I didn't wasn't too crazy about it before. I don't know what the difference is, but I'm just more open to that kind of thing. You also like to sing now? Oh yes, I love to sing. I don't remember you singing before. No. There's something about that experience that was very freeing. My mother's illness, like a death or an accident, was one of those moments when time stops, when normal disappears, when you marvel that everyone else in the world can still laugh and go to the movies and complain about the weather. That's an explosion. In those moments you can see life happen. It has clarity and meaning and purpose in the midst of its horror and pain. But then those moments pass and you're consumed by the trivia of daily life once again. Sometimes when I'm overwhelmed by the task of making my way through the world, I try to focus on the fact that the electric bill does not matter, the idiot driver glued to their cell phone does not matter, the mind numbing day job truly does not matter. But welcoming the strange and the different, being open and available for my husband, my friends, my family, experiencing love and laughter as often as possible, that's what matters. Because it can all be taken away in one brilliant flash. Do you feel different than other people? I don't know. I don't know how other people feel. But I do know that I don't worry about death at all. Not at all. Because I've kind of seen it and I've been there, you know, and that's very liberating. Did you have any memory of near death experience?

[Jad Abumrad]

No.

[Producer/Guest]

A lot of people have asked me that, but I didn't. Didn't see the white light or. No. Well, not unless being a farmer, a vegetable farmer in Vietnam is the other side. You know, that could be what heaven's all about. Being a vegetable farmer in Vietnam. Maybe that's the whole thing.

[Jad Abumrad]

That's producer Hannah Palin with a story she calls the Day My Mother's Head Exploded. Thanks to Jack Straw Productions for helping her tell that story.

[Robert Krulwich]

I've never heard a version of heaven quite like that.

[Jad Abumrad]

Isn't it amazing?

[Robert Krulwich]

I'm trying to think like where my heaven. I don't know, like last night in my dreams actually I was in a cafeteria with a lot of writers, all of them wearing wire rimmed glasses.

[Jad Abumrad]

Did it Feel like heaven to you?

[Robert Krulwich]

It felt.

[Jad Abumrad]

Before we go to break, I played the story you just heard for a neuropsychologist in the uk. His name is Paul Brocks. Wrote an incredible book called into the Silent Land. And he said an interesting thing to me. We are all just a car crash or a slip away from being a different person.

[Paul Broks]

That's right. And that's precisely how I felt the very first time I went into one of these neurological rehabilitation centers. I suddenly felt very fragile, that in an instant we can be completely transformed. And of course, it's not just the person who's affected, the person who's injured, who's affected, it's also the people around them. And there's an interesting little anecdote of this as I was with someone who'd had a severe head injury, and I went to see him at home and did some work with him at home. And he got very angry at one point, got very tired of doing my tests and threw all the test materials on the floor. And his wife came in. Eventually he calmed down. And I just said to her later on, how do you cope with this when that happens? And she said, well, she said something that really interested me. And she said, well, when it happens, I think it's not really him. It's not really Jeff.

[Jad Abumrad]

Wow.

[Paul Broks]

It's not really him. But paradoxically, what kept her with him and kept her supporting him was that the. Was the belief that at some level it really was him. So I think we kind of people in that situation have this kind of paradoxical survival strategy that, well, yes, they have to accept that it's not the person, it's not really them. But on another level, why are they still with him?

[Jad Abumrad]

Is there something in that belief, though, that could possibly be true? I mean, is there something that doesn't change? I don't know. I mean, some people might call it a soul, right? Do you believe in something like that, or is everything purely as fragile as you say?

[Paul Broks]

I personally don't believe in an immaterial soul. And I think in a case like his, let's call him Jeff, you'd have to ask, well, what's happened to Jeff's soul? What's happened to Jeff's soul in this situation? Has the soul also been mutilated along with the brain? I think I would suggest that the notion there is a sort of immaterial soul which, as some people might believe, departs the body at death and some people might believe, takes on another body in a future life that's an illusion. I think other people take a different line on this. And other people do believe there is self stuff or soul stuff somewhere. But the question is, I would put where is it in the brain?

[Jad Abumrad]

I mean, is it possible we just haven't dug deep enough and found it?

[Paul Broks]

How would you know when you found it? What would you be looking for? I have no. I have no idea what you'd expect to look, what you'd expect to find. And what is it you would expect to see? How would you ever know when you saw a soul?

[Jad Abumrad]

But what makes you Paul Brock's you, your personality, what makes you consistent from one day to the next? Well, what makes your personality.

[Paul Broks]

Yeah, well, what makes me consistent is that I have the same body more or less from day to day. I look in the mirror and it's me usually. Well, in fact, it's always me, so it's never anybody else. But essentially what I tell you if you ask me about myself is I tell you a story.

[Jad Abumrad]

If I'm understanding you correctly, ourselves are simply a narrative, a sort of narrative center.

[Paul Broks]

The extended self, which is what we normally think of when we think about ourselves, is really a story. It's the story of what's happened to that body over time.

[Jad Abumrad]

Paul Brock's is a neuropsychologist and author of the book into the Silent Land. This is Radiolab. I'm Jad Abumrad. Robert Krulwitz and I will continue in a moment to to Radiolab.

[Producer/Guest]

This is Andrea Girolamo from Hudson in New York. Radiolab is supported in part by the National Science foundation and by the Alfred P. Sloan Foundation. Enhancing public understanding of science and technology in the modern world. More information About [e-mail].

[Jad Abumrad]

Radiolab is sponsored by omgs.com There is new research on pleasure that's actually fascinating and the site OMG yes makes it accessible to everyone. OMG yes shares finding from the largest ever study into women's pleasure and intimacy. In partnership with researchers at Yale and Indiana University. They asked tens of thousands of couples what they wished they'd discovered sooner. They found the patterns in those discoveries. And all that wisdom and pleasure and intimacy is organized as hundreds of short videos, animations and how tos on omgs.com and guess what? Half of OMGS users are men. Hooray for generous lovers. Right? You'll find specific research backed techniques. It's the science of sexual generosity in action. See what they discovered today@omg yes.com that's OMG yes.com.

[Narrator/Guest]

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[Producer/Guest]

Welcome to Walgreens.

[Jad Abumrad]

Looking for a holiday gift?

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

Sort of.

[Narrator/Guest]

My cousin Freddy showed up to surprise us.

[Producer/Guest]

Oh, sounds like a real nice surprise.

[Robert Krulwich]

Exactly.

[Narrator/Guest]

So now I have to get him a gift, but I haven't gotten my bonus yet. So if we could make it something really nice but also not break the bank, that'd be perfect.

[Producer/Guest]

How about a keurig for 50% off.

[Narrator/Guest]

Bingo savings all season?

[Robert Krulwich]

The holiday road is long. We're with you all the way. WalGregreens offer, valid November 26 through December 27.

[Jad Abumrad]

Exclusions apply.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

The headlines never stop and it's harder than ever to tell what's real, what matters, and what's just noise. That's where Pod Save America comes in. I'm Tommy Vitor and every week I'm joined by fellow former Obama aides John Favreau, John Lovett and Dan Pfeiffer to break down the biggest stories, unpack what they mean for the future of our.

[Narrator/Guest]

Democracy, and add just enough humor to stay sane.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

Along the way, you'll also hear honest, in depth conversations with big voices in politics, media and culture like Rachel Maddow, Gavin Newsom and Mark Cuban that you won't find anywhere else. New episodes drop every Tuesday and Friday with deep dives every other weekend. Listen wherever you get your podcasts, watch on YouTube or subscribe on Apple Podcasts for ad free episodes.

[Jad Abumrad]

I'm Jad Abumrad. Today on Radiolab, Robert Krulwich and I are tackling a question which is very big in neuroscience at the moment. What makes you you? Sounds actually like a childlike question. And it is, except no one really knows the answer. Before the station id, we heard one scientist's theory that the self or the mind or even the soul, is nothing but a story the brain tells itself.

[Robert Krulwich]

Listening to. What was the name of that guy?

[Narrator/Guest]

Paul.

[Jad Abumrad]

Paul Brocks.

[Robert Krulwich]

Paul Brocks. The notion that what you are, what a self is, is just a story you tell has some scientific authority behind it.

[Jad Abumrad]

Does it? Because I actually didn't exactly know what he's talking about.

[Robert Krulwich]

Well, V. S Ramachandran, who's a world famous neurologist also believes that what is peculiarly human about us is our ability to construct stories. And he says this ability is new or relatively new. It happened at a particular moment in time and he thinks he knows about when. Maybe 200,000 years ago, half a million years ago, something absolutely astonishing happened. What? The evolution of introspective consciousness and the evolution of the self.

[Jad Abumrad]

The evolution of introspective consciousness. What does that mean?

[Robert Krulwich]

Well, let's do this simply and back up for a minute. There are different sets of creatures in the world. There are dumb ones, there are smarter ones, and then there's us.

[Jad Abumrad]

Okay?

[Robert Krulwich]

So let's just choose, say, a worm for our dumb candidate. Imagine you're a worm. You're crawling through the ground like worms like to do, and you bump into a pebble. Now here's what a worm doesn't do. A worm doesn't think, dang, I can't seem to move this pebble because a worm doesn't have a brain big enough or a nervous system strong enough to support the idea of dang me pebble.

[Jad Abumrad]

Certainly not dang.

[Robert Krulwich]

I'm not a worm. But as far as VS Ramachandran is concerned, inside the worm's head, there is no picture at all. There's just a set of inherited instincts. No pictures in that worm's head. No story there. Okay, so let's step up to another level of creature. You give me a creature, but it has to be a more complex one.

[Jad Abumrad]

Okay, how about going back to the monkey?

[Robert Krulwich]

Okay, monkey. Monkey's swinging through trees. Monkey sees a. A lady monkey. The lady monkey, if it has a red. How should I put this bottom, then the lady monkey is interested in sex. So if you notice, says Dr. Ramachandran, if that rump is red, red rumps of female primates, I like the way it's red rumps. I claim a monkey, after seeing red, can react to it, maybe can even remember the red and do the appropriate reaction. And the appropriate reaction in this case would be to grab that lady monkey and, you know, make a baby with her. This monkey pulls an image of another monkey in, makes an association. And so there's images in the monkey's head. But now here's something the monkey can't do. It can't juggle the symbol red in its head. So if I said to a monkey, see that Volvo over there? That white Volvo? Let's make it a red Volvo. Any human being can take a white car and make it in their imagination. He can paste red on it in his imagination. But a monkey you don't think can do it. And this is so simple for a human being to do. And let's run through a quick exercise. Imagine for me a bird in your head. Got a bird in there?

[Jad Abumrad]

Yeah. What kind of bird?

[Robert Krulwich]

A canary.

[Jad Abumrad]

Yes.

[Narrator/Guest]

Now it's there.

[Jad Abumrad]

Okay, it's there.

[Robert Krulwich]

Make it into a brilliantly red canary.

[Jad Abumrad]

Even though. Okay, like kind of a cardinal, but canary's body. It's there.

[Robert Krulwich]

That's right. Now make it into a striped canary.

[Jad Abumrad]

Striped what color stripes? Purple.

[Paul Broks]

Purple.

[Robert Krulwich]

Purple stripes.

[Jad Abumrad]

Purple stripes on a red canary. Wait, hold up. Purple stripes on a red canary. Got it.

[Robert Krulwich]

Is it in there?

[Jad Abumrad]

Now it's there in all its vivid glory.

[Robert Krulwich]

Ornithological stripedness is not one of your favorite. All right, so at this moment, I'm going to point out something to you. There is no such thing as a purple striped red canary in the world. You could search the world and never find one.

[Jad Abumrad]

That does not surprise me.

[Robert Krulwich]

But you've got one now in your head, however lamely. It's in there somewhere. Only a human being could do this, because only humans can take images from the real world, pull them into their heads, divide them into parts, and then start turning those parts into abstractions. Monkeys, says Ramachandran, can't do that. A monkey can be trained to think of a bird, ring a bell and show it a bird. And the fifth time you just ring a bell. Presumably it's conjuring up an image of a bird.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

Now, you can not only train a.

[Robert Krulwich]

Human to think of a bird, you can train a human to think of babies. But now the human can think of a bird's wings on a human baby. Conjure an angel, which he has never seen. This is because he now has what are called tokens. He has created disembodied tokens. So color is a token. Wings, big is a token. Adjectives are tokens. Adjectives are tokens. And then he can manipulate these tokens, juxtapose them in counterintuitive ways. He can create even outlandish scenarios, what we call imagination.

[Jad Abumrad]

Let me see if I can get this straight. Okay, you've got the worm who can sense the world, sort of. And then you've got the monkey who can pull the world in to some degree and make an association. Then you've got us, and we can play with those associations. How did that happen?

[Robert Krulwich]

Well, because of evolution. It's like we're not different from other creatures. We're just more than other creatures. And when we have these brains that have this extra, like it's like a layer on layer cake. We can manipulate any idea at all and we're constantly doing that. We're constantly abstracting. We are imagining so often so thoroughly and so well that we eventually can imagine ourselves. I can sit here looking right at you and I can see you right now as Jed the little boy, if I want, or Jed the old dying man, if I want, or Jed with purple stripes and an elegant set of taffeta wings. The idea of self, if you think about it this way, is you take all the things that have ever happened to you, pluck from your life. If you're sad, you might pluck the sad things. If you're happy on one particular day, you might pluck the happy things and you stitch them together into a general, abstract idea. And me, then. An idea of self is really a story that we tell ourselves. It can change from day to day and it allows the human being to exercise that peculiarly human muscle to experience stuff and then to abstract it into a story. That's self.

[Jad Abumrad]

This is Radiolab JAD here with Robert Krulwich. So this makes more sense to me now, I think, this idea that the brain spins a story moment to moment as you're walking about, and that story is you yourself. If it's so automatic, does it even happen when we sleep?

[Robert Krulwich]

Why do you ask that?

[Jad Abumrad]

Well, I asked Paul Brocks this question and he told me something really strange, something that made me think that maybe when we're asleep, the brain loosens its grip on the self and that the self tumbles into a thousand parts or creatures. I don't know. What he told me basically, is that when he was young, he would have these dreams where he'd see these things, these parts of himself. Presumably the dream would be going along fine, everything would be normal, and then all of a sudden, along would come these little people.

[Paul Broks]

Yes, literally little people. There were hordes of these little creatures. I'd see the great pageants sweeping by and occasionally they would come up and I sensed they're kind of looking at me, but. But then they go away again and I just sort of watched it.

[Jad Abumrad]

So they were aware of you?

[Paul Broks]

Well, that's a very eerie thought because it's my brain that was producing them as well as producing me.

[Robert Krulwich]

That's such a strange thing. He really means little people.

[Jad Abumrad]

Yeah. And oddly enough, he discovered he wasn't.

[Paul Broks]

Alone, which is why I was very fascinated by Robert Louis Stevenson, because his descriptions were very similar to the sort of things I experienced.

[Jad Abumrad]

Robert Louis Stevenson, you know, the author One of the most important writers of the 19th century. Apparently he saw them too.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

The little people who manage man's internal theater.

[Jad Abumrad]

That's how he describes them in one particular essay read for us here by an actor, Joshua King. For anyone who's ever wondered, where do dreams come from? Where does an idea come from? This essay is an interesting read and confusing. First of all, Stevenson always refers to himself in the third book person as.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

He, this honest fellow, or the dreamer. The dreamer.

[Jad Abumrad]

Not sure why. Maybe it's not so strange, considering the rest of the essay is about little people in his mind. In any case, what he writes is that at first the stories they acted out for him were. Well, they didn't make any sense.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

The little people played upon their stage like children rather than like drilled actors performing a set piece to a huge hall of faces.

[Jad Abumrad]

But over time, an interesting thing happened. Stevenson decides to become a writer, to.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

Write and sell his tales.

[Jad Abumrad]

And things change.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

Here was he and here were the little people who did that part of his business in quite new conditions.

[Jad Abumrad]

Now, the little people weren't just the things he saw in his dreams, they were a business opportunity. See, he was broke always and had to crank out the stories. So very much in the spirit of the industrial revolution, he decides to exploit his little people, turned them into a storytelling factory, which meant, he writes, the.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

Stories must now be trimmed and paired and set upon all fours. They must run from a beginning to an end and fit with the laws of life. The pleasure in one word had become a business. And that not only for the dreamer, but for the little people of his theater. They understood the change as well as he.

[Robert Krulwich]

So then what happens?

[Jad Abumrad]

Well, he needs stories he can sell, so he trains his little people. This is what he writes in his essay. He trains them.

[Robert Krulwich]

What do you mean?

[Jad Abumrad]

Well, he had this elaborate pre bedtime ritual. He would lie on the bed, feet off, raise one arm, close his eyes.

[Robert Krulwich]

Raises his arm, yeah.

[Jad Abumrad]

It was a signal for the little people of his mind to tell him a story. And man, it better be a good one.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

And behold, at once the little people begin to bestir themselves in the same quest and labor all night long.

[Jad Abumrad]

What he did not realize was just how good they could be.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

Here is one. Exactly as it came. It seemed this time that the dreamer was the son of a very rich and wicked man. The owner the of of broad acres and a most damnable temper. The son had been living abroad on purpose to avoid his father. When he returned, there was to find his father married again to a young wife because of this marriage. As the dreamer indistinctly understood, it was desirable for the father and son to have a meeting. Yet both being proud and both angry, Neither would condescend on a visit. But meet they did accordingly. In a desolate, sandy country by the sea to the shore.

[Jad Abumrad]

Please, driver.

[Robert Krulwich]

Yes, sir. Watch your step.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

And there they quarreled.

[Robert Krulwich]

How dare you, you selfish bastard.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

And the son, stung by some intolerable insult, Struck the father dead. No suspicion was aroused. The dead man was found and buried. The dreamer succeeded to the broad estates. And found himself installed under the same roof with his father's widow.

[Robert Krulwich]

Good evening, madam.

[Producer/Guest]

Will you join me for supper?

[Jad Abumrad]

Oh, thank you.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

These two lived very much alone. As people may after a bereavement. Sat down to the table together, Shared long evenings.

[Producer/Guest]

Brandy?

[Robert Krulwich]

Yes, please.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

And grew dairy.

[Producer/Guest]

Oh, the west garden is so lovely.

[Paul Broks]

This time of year.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

Has that old plum tree gone to flower already?

[Jad Abumrad]

Yes.

[Narrator/Guest]

Do you recall it?

[Jad Abumrad]

Yes. Yes, I used to climb it as a boy.

[Producer/Guest]

Oh, really?

[Robert Krulwich]

Did your father teach you how to climb trees?

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

No. No, he didn't. Until it seemed to him suddenly that she was prying about dangerous matters. That she had conceived a notion of his guilt. But she watched him and tried him with questions. So they lived at cross purposes. A life full of broken dialogue, Challenging glances and suppressed passion. Until one day he saw the woman slipping from the house in a veil.

[Robert Krulwich]

To the station, please.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

Yes, ma'.

[Jad Abumrad]

Am.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

He followed her by train to the seaside country and out over the sandhills to the very place where. Where the murder was done. There she began to grope among the bends.

[Jad Abumrad]

There's got to be something here.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

He watching her flat upon his face. And presently she had something in her hand.

[Producer/Guest]

This is hint.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

I cannot remember what it was. But it was deadly evidence against the dreamer. And as she held it up to look at it, perhaps in the shock of the discovery, A foot slipped. And she hung at some peril on the brink of the tall sand breeze.

[Producer/Guest]

Help me.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

He had no thought but to spring up and rescue her. Take my hand. And there they stood, face to face. She with that deadly matter openly in her hand. His very presence on the spot. Another link of proof. It was plain she was about to speak. How this was more than he could bear.

[Jad Abumrad]

Come.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

And he cut her short. The conversation. Let's be going. They passed the evening in the drawing room as in the past.

[Jad Abumrad]

To me, madam?

[Producer/Guest]

Yes, please, sir.

[Jad Abumrad]

Thank you.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

But suspense and fear drummed in the dreamer's bosom. Why has she not announced me yet? When will she?

[Robert Krulwich]

Will it be tomorrow.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

So his thoughts ran. Once, indeed, he seized an occasion when she was abroad. He ransacked a room.

[Robert Krulwich]

She'd hidden it.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

And at last, hidden away among her jewels, found the damning evidence. There he stood, holding this thing, which was his life, in the hollow of his hand and marveling at her behavior, that she should seek and keep and yet not use it. And then the door opened, and behold, herself.

[Jad Abumrad]

Uh, oh, what's my line?

[Producer/Guest]

What are you doing?

[Jad Abumrad]

What are you doing?

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

Once more, they stood eye to eye with the evidence between them. But before he left the room, he laid back down his death warrant where he had found it. And at that, her face lit up. The next, he heard she was lying to her maid.

[Robert Krulwich]

Oh, my God.

[Jad Abumrad]

My goodness. What happened to your room? A robbery? Oh, no, no, no.

[Robert Krulwich]

It's nothing.

[Producer/Guest]

It's. I'm embarrassed, really.

[Jad Abumrad]

I thought I'd lost something, you see, and I was looking everywhere.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

Flesh and blood could bear the strain no longer. And I think it was the next morning. Though chronology is always hazy in the theater of the mind that he burst from his reserve.

[Jad Abumrad]

Bacon, sir?

[Robert Krulwich]

No, thank you.

[Producer/Guest]

Your tea, madam, please.

[Robert Sapolsky]

Sugar?

[Jad Abumrad]

Please.

[Robert Krulwich]

That will be all.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

And no sooner were the servants of the and these two protagonists alone together. Then he leapt to his feet. She, too, sprang up with a pale face. Why not announce me? You know everything. Why do you torture me? She fell upon her knees, and with outstretched hands.

[Narrator/Guest]

Do you not understand?

[Jad Abumrad]

I love.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

Hereupon. With a pang of wonder and mercantile delight, the dreamer awoke. But his mercantile delight was not of long endurance. As it became plain that in this spirited tale there were unmarketable elements.

[Jad Abumrad]

Ultimately, Robert Louis Stevenson found the story unusable, and he couldn't sell it. But there's a deeper question here, a question of authorship. Let's think about it in more modern terms. When you see a movie and the lights go down, you settle in from one moment to the next. You, the viewer, have no idea what's gonna happen. You scream at the scary parts, laugh at the jokes, cry during the sad scenes. You're taken on a ride. But in order for you to have that experience, someone needed to write the movie, someone needed to direct it. Someone other than you. How is it when we dream that we do all three at the same time? We write, direct and watch the film as if we've never seen it before.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

The little people are substantive inventors and performers. To the end, they had kept their secret. The dreamer had no guess whatever at the motive of the woman. The hinge of the whole. Well, Invented plot until the instant of the dramatic revelation. It was not his tale. It was the little people's. I am awake now and I know this trait and yet I cannot better it. The more I think of it, the more I am moved. The press upon the world. My question who are the little people?

[Paul Broks]

It's almost like watching a video. You could sort of go and inspect their activities, scrutinize their activities very closely.

[Jad Abumrad]

That's how neurologist Paul Brocks describes his little people dreams.

[Paul Broks]

And it kind of fascinated me that this was part of me, part of my brain activity, but not me. So which part of my brain activity is me?

[Jad Abumrad]

And if it seems there's a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde quality to the mystery of the little people, that is no coincidence. On another night, our dreamer, Robert Louis Stevenson, once again captivated by the little people, screams so loudly his wife wakes him.

[Producer/Guest]

Robert. Robert, darling, wake up.

[Jad Abumrad]

What's wrong? He was not pleased.

[Announcer/Promo Voice]

Damn it, woman. I had been dreaming a fine bogey tale.

[Jad Abumrad]

But he did manage to remember a few things from the dream. One, a scene at the window. Then a man pursued for a crime, and that man takes a potion and undergoes a transformation. That man's name, of course, would become Mr. Hyde. And our dreamer, Robert Louis Stevenson, the author of that classic tale of divided a. The story of Robert Louis Stevenson's little people came from an essay from Paul Brocks from his excellent book into the Silent Land. And it was adapted for radio by Ellen Horne. Joshua Cain was the voice of Robert Louis Stevenson from his essay chapter on dreams. And he had a sporting cast of Lorraine Maddox, John Henry Boudreau, Frank Boudreau, Nick Capodici, Sally Herships and Keith Scott. And if anyone was listening closely, they would have also recognized you. Robert Krulwich on that seaside clip. Dying, dying.

[Robert Krulwich]

Yes, Vividon. Here's the thing. What is hard to recognize if you take a look into somebody's brain and you ask the question which we've been asking this whole hour, like, you know, who's there? Or where is the author? Or where is the where am I? The story points up that if you look scientifically into a brain, what you encounter is hundreds of thousands of players, not just little people, but teeny, teeny, teeny, teeny brain cells which do all this flashing back and forth. If you were to go to any one of those cells and say, so are you the author of Jekyll and Hyde? The cell wouldn't be. Would just go, right.

[Jad Abumrad]

The vocabulary of a neuron is just on or off.

[Robert Krulwich]

It is only in the group that you can see the electrical outline of a thought, or ultimately of a self, while you think of yourself as a one. Even the thought I am a one springs from a hundred million cells connecting through a trillion synapses. And that all of this multiple activity paradoxically creates the you of this moment. You are always plural.

[Jad Abumrad]

And that's especially true in the story we have coming up for you in 60 seconds. This is Radiolab. I'm Jad Abumrad. Robert Kralwich and I will continue in a moment.

[Robert Krulwich]

You're listening to Radiolab on New York Public Radio.

[Jad Abumrad]

Public radio wnyc.

[Producer/Guest]

Hi, this is Anna from Boston, Massachusetts.

[Jad Abumrad]

Radiolab is supported in part by the National Science foundation and by the Alfred P. Sloan foundation, enhancing public understanding of science and technology in the modern world. More information about [e-mail].

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[Jad Abumrad]

Chad here with Robert Crowwich. Today on Radiolab, an hour on the self. How it is that out of a trillion chattering neurons in your brain arises the greatest illusion of all that you are one thing, one self.

[Robert Krulwich]

To extend this a little bit, another step. While we spent the whole time talking about what it is to be a One, or where is our self, there are times when you learn that the self is not got a Berlin Wall around it. We are porous. Our borders are full of leaks. Robert Sapolsky is a biologist. He studies baboons in East Africa. He wrote an essay which I read, and the essay is the story of his dad. Robert has a dad like we all do. This dad suffered from a condition that resembles Alzheimer's. So his father was forgetting things, what decade it was where he was, but he was also beginning to melt into the Son, the dad was beginning to tell stories that were really the son's stories.

[Robert Sapolsky]

There's all kinds of things like I had moved from New York to the Bay Area at that point, and suddenly his stories of his immigration changed from when we left Europe and came to Ellis island to when we left Europe and entered the United States through San Francisco Bay, including his describing the first site of the Golden Gate Bridge, Golden Gate Bridge, which was built decades after he came to the United States, completely confabulated.

[Robert Krulwich]

But when San Diego was in place.

[Robert Sapolsky]

San Diego, I was in San Diego for a period, and he suddenly had spent long periods of time in San Diego in the Navy and World War II, so that he was able to have the same opinion and share the same. Just kind of the edges of him spilling over into me.

[Robert Krulwich]

Did that make you feel a little claustrophobic?

[Robert Sapolsky]

A little claustrophobic. And being a good scientist, of course what I did instantly was try to label it and come up with diagnostic categories and pathological, pathologize it and sort of keep it at a safe distance. And it was all fairly unnerving. And what this particular essay was about that I had written was amid all of that sort of confident pathologizing, it was only after he died that I suddenly found myself doing the same in return.

[Robert Krulwich]

Let me read you some of what Robert Sapolsky wrote about this experience. It started manageably enough. I arranged the utensils as he did, hummed a favorite Yiddish tune of his throughout the day. Soon I had forsaken wearing my blue flannel shirts in order to wear the blue flannel ones of his.

[Robert Sapolsky]

I took a shirt of his, a flannel shirt back before global warming would always wear flannel shirts. And for a while I had to wear his flannel shirt instead. Or he had heart disease. And the little bottles of nitroglycerin all over the house. And there was this period where in the immediate aftermath of his dying, I took a bottle of this nitroglycerin back with me and found I had to keep it with me physically all the time.

[Robert Krulwich]

Now, you didn't have heart trouble?

[Robert Sapolsky]

I had no heart trouble. And I was a 30 year old.

[Robert Krulwich]

And you're walking around with this nitroglycerin like it's your blankie, like you don't.

[Narrator/Guest]

Want to give it up.

[Robert Sapolsky]

No. On some level, I needed to have nitroglycerin with me handy in case, like I had one of his angina attacks.

[Robert Krulwich]

He writes, I would make love to my wife, work out in the gym Attend a lecture. And always the bottle would be nearby, on a nightstand, in a sweat jacket pocket amid my papers. There was a day when I briefly misplaced it and everything stopped for an anxious search. It was not that I lost a holy relic of his suffering, an object to show my children someday to teach them about a man they hadn't known. This was urgent.

[Robert Sapolsky]

I felt vulnerable, you know, very hard to articulate. But during that period also I had a large class I was doing and on the last day of the lecture I found I gave this weird lecture where essentially I was talking to them like an octogenarian. You don't believe it now because you're 20, you're gonna get tired and you're gonna get tired, you're gonna get tired and it's just gonna get harder and harder.

[Robert Krulwich]

Just from the tired old 30 year old.

[Robert Sapolsky]

Yeah, exactly. I was talking to them as an 80 year old and talking to them.

[Robert Krulwich]

Did you wake up to that notion in the middle of it? Did you suddenly say, hey, what am I doing? Or did just happen right through the.

[Robert Sapolsky]

Evening trying to figure out what the hell was that about? Instead of telling them about what's going to be on the final, telling them you should be happy and call your mother and wait a second, call me. As long as you're at it, it could hurt you to call now and then.

[Robert Krulwich]

And when you had finished the lecture to the kids and had been speaking through the voice of your dad, how did you unwind this connection? Or did it just fade away?

[Robert Sapolsky]

Interestingly, I actually gave that lecture wearing his shirt. I mean, this was a very challenged period with the bottle of nitroglycerin in my pocket, because I had it in my pocket at all times. And it was that night that I was able to put away the bottle and haven't worn the shirt since. And on some level I was saying goodbye for, and particularly appropriately to, you know, an auditorium awash in 520 year olds with their world ahead of him and sort of saying goodbye for him.

[Robert Krulwich]

A year later, that time has begun to make sense. I feel sure that what I went through need not merit a diagnosis. It's a measure of my training as a scientist that I saw pathology that wasn't there.

[Robert Sapolsky]

And essentially what that whole period was about was learning. It is, you know, a perfectly normal non pathological state to feel at times of extreme emotional challenge that interconnected with another person, that in some ways the boundaries slip a little bit.

[Robert Krulwich]

It can only come as an echo, a hint in our armored individuated world. That a bit of confusion as to ego boundaries can can be an act of health, of homage and love. It can be a whisper of what it feels like to be swaddled in continuity. It is a lesson amid our ever expanding array of scientific labels on the risks of over pathologizing. Most of all it is a lesson that it wouldn't be so bad. In fact it would even be a point of pride if in the end someone mistakes you for him. My just postscript question is did you ever say to your dad when he was ill you didn't come to San Francisco? Did you ever like correct him?

[Robert Sapolsky]

Not a chance.

[Robert Krulwich]

Robert Sapolsky is a biologist at Stanford University in California. He's written several collections of essays, but the one we're quoting here is from the Trouble with Testosterone. That's where you find the story of his dad.

[Jad Abumrad]

For more information on that or anything else you heard tonight, check our website Radiolab.org while you're there, communicate with us. RadiolabNYC.org is the address Chad here. Robert and I are signing off now, but we will catch you next time.

[Producer/Guest]

This show was produced by Jada Boomrad and Ellen Horn, with help from Brenda Farrell, Sally Herships, Rob Krieger, Amy O', Leary, David Martin, Michael Shelley and Robert Kroll. Witch. Special thanks to Karen McCormick, Paul Brocks and Elena park. And special thanks to me to Nikki Palin. Thanks for listening. Okay, bye. Bye.