Podcast Summary: REAL AF with Andy Frisella – Episode 927

Q&AF: Prioritizing Yourself, Outgrowing Old Circles & Good To Great Leadership
Release Date: August 25, 2025
Host: Andy Frisella (with DJ)
Format: Listener call-ins and write-ins (Q&A)

Overview

This episode of "REAL AF with Andy Frisella" focuses on audience questions about self-prioritization, navigating changes in social circles as you level up, and the essential mindset shifts and practices required to become a great leader—not just a good one. Andy and DJ provide tough-love advice, personal stories, and memorable analogies, all centered around personal development, boundaries, and authentic leadership.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Prioritizing Yourself When Everyone Wants Something from You

(Main discussion: [05:17]–[19:00])

• Question: How do you take care of yourself when everyone around you—family, friends, colleagues—constantly pulls at your energy and resources?
• Andy’s Core Insight ([05:43]):
  “You got to be selfish to be selfless... If you’re not fit, if you’re not healthy, if you’re sick, if you’re poor, if you’re not in a place to be able to handle yourself, you certainly can’t handle everybody else around you.”
• Setting Boundaries and Saying No ([10:06]):
  Andy emphasizes the art of saying no is a crucial skill for success and mental health:
  “No is a complete sentence. You don’t have to give this big, long justification. And if someone says why, you could say, because I don’t want to, or because I said so, or because I have to do this for myself. And these are acceptable answers.”
• On Guilt and Manipulation ([11:21]):
  Both hosts discuss the societal guilt-tripping around saying no, urging listeners to see through guilt tactics and focus on their goals.
• Not Everyone Deserves Your Help ([12:48]):
  Helping others at the expense of your well-being not only enables bad behavior but may absorb their “karma” and ultimately hurt you:
  “When you save people from their own karmic reaction... you actually step in front of that fist of karma and take that punch for them.”
• Practice Makes Perfect ([17:23]):
  Practice saying no to low-stakes requests to build your ability to protect your time and energy.

Memorable Moment:
Andy’s encouragement to practice saying no:

“Sometimes when you have to practice saying no, you practice saying no to little things so that you get comfortable just saying it... I don’t think it’s really offended anybody.”
(Andy Frisella, [17:23])

2. Outgrowing Old Circles: Managing Backlash When You Level Up

(Main discussion: [20:01]–[33:38])

• Question (write-in from Mark): After making significant life changes (fitness, lifestyle, routines), Mark finds himself receiving backlash and feeling isolated from old friends. How should he handle this?
• Andy’s Take on Social Growth ([22:44]):
  “Going from being someone who’s kind of like floating in the wind and bought into society’s idea of being weak... to pursue your ultimate potential... is a massive change and a massive victory.”
• You Owe No Explanations ([22:44]):
  Andy reiterates that you do not need to justify or defend your self-improvement to your old circle:
  “You owe them nothing. You don’t owe them an excuse. You don’t owe them a reason. You don’t owe them an explanation for why it is you’re trying to work out or trying to be healthier or trying to become what it is you’re trying to become.”
• No Man’s Land ([24:00]):
  The period of isolation after moving on from an old group is temporary; new, aligned relationships will form as you continue on your path.
• Cycles of Relationship Growth ([26:41]):
  “You’re going to move forward through different groups of friends through our life... The minute you start progressing, they’re not going to relate... That’s what happens when you level up.”
• Don’t Be Defined by Others ([27:35]):
  Andy cautions against the societal pressure of being “loyal” to the past at the expense of your future.
• Confidence is Key ([33:34]):
  The more self-belief you cultivate, the easier it is to set boundaries and move forward—even if it means being alone for a while.

Notable Exchange:
DJ on helping friends by leading by example ([31:38]):

“If you really care for those people... sometimes the only chance that they’ll ever have to get out of that is to see you get out of it.”

Andy responds ([31:53]):

"It doesn’t hurt. It is what... It’s reality. If you don’t operate in the what is, and you always operate in the what should be. You can’t win."

3. Good to Great Leadership: Awareness, Humility, and Example

(Main discussion: [34:27]–[59:34])

• Question (call-in from Trevor): What are the common misconceptions or lies that prevent a good leader from becoming a great one?

Andy’s Leadership “Big 3” ([35:19]):

1. Ego – Overestimating Your Leadership
“We tell ourselves we’re great leaders before we’re actually great leaders. That’s what keeps people from becoming a great leader. So it’s ego.”

2. Leading by Example is Not Optional ([37:44]):
“Leading by example isn’t the best way to lead. It’s the only way to lead... People are much smarter than people give them credit for... they’re automatically also looking at their leadership with a very fine microscope.”

3. The Job is to Serve, Not to Rule ([39:40]):
“Your job is to facilitate the success of your team... Not to sit in the office with your desk up and act like you’ve got a 20-foot dick, bro. Like, it’s, I care about people. I’m going to help you win. We’re going to win together.”

• Teaching and Letting People Learn ([42:00]):
  Andy suggests a combination approach: teach, then step back and allow for learning by doing (and making mistakes).
  “Letting them make a few mistakes and learn on their own, you’re allowing them to build confidence in their own skill set, which will pay off dividends long term.”

• Care and Intent Are Everything ([49:31]):
  “The greatest leaders in the world—it’s not about them... They want people to notice the team.”

Leadership Metrics ([53:27]–[59:34]):

• How do you measure a good leader? Both results (“scoreboard”) and team development matter.

  “I think the ultimate measure of a great leader is always the scoreboard... But great leaders, in my opinion, value the scoreboard and the development of their team. And they look at what the scoreboard says, what the growth of their team is, and if they’re really good leaders...they try to develop that into a high character, high functioning, high contributing human in society.”
  (Andy Frisella, [56:04])

• Character, Care, and Authenticity ([57:45]):
  “It can’t be fake. You have to actually care. It can’t be like lip service. They can feel it.”

• Consistent Standards (John Wooden & Nick Saban analogies, [58:05]):
  Focus on the “process”—practicing until you can’t get it wrong—rather than just outcome.

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “You got to be selfish to be selfless.”
  — Andy Frisella, [05:47]

• “No is a complete sentence.”
  — Andy Frisella, [10:06]

• “When you save people from their own karmic reaction... you actually step in front of that fist of karma and take that punch for them.”
  — Andy Frisella, [12:48]

• “If you don’t operate in the what is, and you always operate in the what should be. You can’t win.”
  — Andy Frisella, [31:53]

• “We tell ourselves we’re great leaders before we’re actually great leaders. That’s what keeps people from becoming a great leader.”
  — Andy Frisella, [35:19]

• “Leading by example isn’t the best way to lead. It’s the only way to lead.”
  — Andy Frisella, [37:44]

• “Your job is to facilitate the success of your team.”
  — Andy Frisella, [39:40]

• “It can’t be fake. You have to actually care. It can’t be like lip service. They can feel it.”
  — Andy Frisella, [57:45]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [05:17] – Call-in: Prioritizing yourself and saying no
• [10:06] – The importance of boundaries and practicing saying no
• [12:48] – When helping people becomes enabling
• [20:01] – Write-in: Outgrowing old circles and moving beyond backlash
• [24:00] – No man’s land: the isolation phase of leveling up
• [26:41] – Cycles of relationship and friend group growth
• [33:34] – Confidence and moving on
• [34:27] – Call-in: Good to great leadership—big misconceptions
• [37:44] – Leading by example and the microscope effect
• [39:40] – Leadership is service, not ego
• [42:00] – Teaching, coaching, and letting people learn by doing/mistakes
• [49:31] – Humility, caring for your team, and true leadership
• [53:27] – How to measure a great leader (scoreboard and development)
• [56:04] – Leadership metrics and care outside work
• [58:05] – Authentic standards and John Wooden/Nick Saban references

Final Takeaways

• Prioritize your own health, skills, and energy so you can help others long-term.
• Don’t let fear of backlash keep you from leaving behind what no longer serves you; new, better-aligned people will show up.
• Great leadership is about humility, example, genuine care, and ongoing development of your people—not title, ego, or command.
• Metrics matter, but holistic development of those you lead is just as important as any scoreboard.

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