Transcript
Bill Maher (0:00)
Exclusively on ESPN. UFC 313 tonight. Reigning light heavyweight champion Alex Pereira defends his title against number one contender Magomed Angelia, and an explosive lightweight bout between Justin Gaethje and Rafael Pizzie. UFC 313 tonight at 10pm Eastern. Buy it on espnplus.com PPP got a musty hair. Where's your playlist taking you? Down the highway to the mountains or just into daydream mode while you're stuck in Traffic? With over 4,000 hotels worldwide, Best Western is there to help you make the.
Alyssa Farah Griffin (0:43)
Most of your getaway, wherever that is.
Bill Maher (0:46)
Because the only thing better than a great playlist is a great trip. Life's the trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. Book, direct and save@bestwestern.com.
Alyssa Farah Griffin (1:01)
Welcome to an HBO podcast from the HBO late night series Real Time with Bill Ma.
Bill Maher (1:06)
Start the clock.
Jon Tester (1:41)
Thank you.
Bill Maher (1:43)
Thank you, people. How are you? All right. Thank you very much. Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you. Welcome to Real Time. Okay, sit down. Thank you. There's so much to get to start with this. Sometimes, you know, you gotta hit rock bottom. And it took us six weeks here in America. I mean, even the Republicans now are alarmed what Trump is doing. I mean, they're telling their own people, don't go to the town halls because other Republicans are screaming at you too much. Really? They're turning on Amy Coney Barrett. They're turning on her. She's a bad one now. And Musk had a shouting match with the other people in the Cabinet. The stock market does not. They do not like this kind of instability, this tariffs. One day Trump puts the tariffs on, the next day he takes it off, the next day he does it with Mexico and Canada. It's on, it's off, it's on. And then he pulls it back at the last second like he's delaying orgasm or something. They don't like this. Canada's very pissed Canadians here, oh, my gosh. Because they're so pissed that even though we took the tariffs off temporarily, they said they're keeping theirs on. And then Trump came back and said, okay, there's now a 250% tariff on Canadian dairy products, which, to be fair, Canadian cows have been taking the jobs of American cows for a very long time. And it's gotta stop, ladies and gentlemen. And then, oh, this story, a story that I feel is a tremendous threat to comedians because you could never have a punchline stupider or funnier than the actual premise in an attempt to censor some DEI stuff. The Defense Department is deleting all the photos from a database, 26,000 of them. And one of them was of the Enola Gay. That is the plane that. I'm telling you, the premise is that's the plane that dropped the bomb on Hiroshima and ended World War II. But they're getting rid of it because it has gay in it. What did they find out? That every plane has a cockpit. It's gonna be. But, I mean, this world is so upside down now. It took Trump, like, three weeks to break up with Ukraine and Mexico and Canada. And yet Taylor Swift has the same boyfriend for over a year. She can take it. I know. And then, in the midst of all this shit that's going on, Trump makes a speech about how great things are. Did anybody see this speech on Tuesday night? Oh, my gosh. The Republican side, you know, is a joint session of Congress, like the State of the Union. They loved it. They were cheering and stomping and applauding. Lindsey Graham threw his panties. It was very, very exciting for them. And the Internet was all abuzz because at the speech, Elon Musk was there, and he was sitting next to an attractive blonde woman. But turns out that they were just seated together. Never met her. There's no connection. And her due date is in December. Oh, I kid, Elon. No, I think he did try to pick her up because he used his standard pickup line. Haven't I fired you somewhere before? But I thought the highlight of the whole night was when Trump saw John Roberts in the audience. Now, John Roberts, of course, the head of the Supreme Court, is the one who gave him complete immunity last year. Whatever a president does, you can get away with it. It's not illegal. And Trump said to John Roberts, thank you again. I won't forget it. I guess not just actresses are rewarded for playing prostitutes these days. And then at the speech, there was a lot of rowdy shit that went on. Democratic Congressman Al Green. Not, not, not, not the. Tired of being a lone guy. Different al green, he's 77. He uses a cane, and he was shaking his cane at the president, which I thought was an apt metaphor. A cane shaking for this Democratic Party. Lame. That's okay. All right. Please, I don't need your pity. I'd appreciate it. I just. Don't die on you. But, you know, it's interesting. The Democrats are fighting back in a way. You know how Republicans are always threatening a government shutdown? Well, now the Democrats are going to do that. Yeah. They said they're tiring of all this firing and all this furloughing and all this closing of government departments. And they say if you don't stop shutting down the government, we're going to shut down the government. That's where America is. And then the White House amid all of this, had the first crypto summit and we're gonna have a crypto reserve. Now, some question the associated the wisdom of associating with a brand that's all just about scandals and thefts and scams. But if crypto's willing to work with Trump, I say go for it. All right, we got a great show. Alyssa Farah Griffin and Jon Tester are here. But first up, he is the best selling art who starts his tour on March 30th across the US in 40 cities. Wow. Fuck. Including I couldn't do that. Boston, Detroit, Nashville. And his latest essay collection, Happy Go Lucky is now in paperback. David Sedaris. David. What is. Wait, what happened? What? Oh, okay, so you look good.