Bill Maher (49:04)
All right, well, I can read a prompter and it says, time for new rules, everybody. New rules. All right, new rule. Now that we know a journalist was mistakenly added to a group chat with national security officials, we no longer have to guess how Pete Hegseth got caught cheating on his wives. Hey, sexy. I can be at the Lucky Stuff Motel in an hour. Pete, this is your wife. Neural since 23andMe just declared bankruptcy and Dollar Tree just sold Family Dollar at a loss of $7 billion, they have to form a new company. Family Tree. Family Tree. Where you can find out that your ancestors came here in 1910 and you can made in the same year. Noor. When I push the elevator close door button, the door has to close immediately. Not in five seconds, not in eight seconds. There's a guy coming down the hall with three suitcases and a crying baby. Stop fucking with and do your job. That's right. New rule. The Florida cop who spent two weeks waiting for a thief who swallowed a pair of diamond earrings to pass them must please tell me that after sealing the evidence bag, he looked at his partner and said, I'm getting too old for this shit. Noor. Let's stop making it a news story every time we arrest someone. Hot. Here's this week's entry into our national hot criminal yearbook. University of Georgia student Lily Stewart. This is actually her second arrest this year, which is so embarrassing. You look like this and you can't get out of a ticket in the South. And finally, new rule to those on the right who keep asking me, bill, you're so good at roasting the woke nonsense peddlers, why don't you go all the way and join us? Let me give you the short because I don't want to live in North Korea. Kim Jong Un has state stenographers who follow him everywhere and scribble his genius ideas into their notebooks and applaud. Well, Republicans, that's you. Now, Republican Congressman Addison McDowell wants to name Dulles Airport after Trump. It'll be like other airports, except the international terminal only has departures. There's also a bill in Congress to add Trump to Mount Rushmore because, like Washington, he's a page. Like Teddy Roosevelt, he's a renegade. And like Abraham Lincoln, he's not really helping the theater scene in Washington, D.C. yeah, the Kennedy center is not something I really care a lot about. But I do care that an American president doesn't see anything wrong with him personally taking it over or that his communications director, Stephen Cheung, said it Was justified because Trump, quote, is a virtuoso and is. And his musical choices represent a brilliant palette of vibrant colors when others often paint in pale pastels. Jesus, Stephen, don't get any in your hair. Republicans dance like Trump now. They name weapons systems after him. They've even dressed like him with the trademark suit and tie. Available exclusive. Available exclusively at Banana Republic. Yeah, all these super macho guys eating the ass of another man. Some even talk like him. Now with the crazy over the top exaggerations about our new tariff policy. Commerce Secretary Ludnick said these policies, important thing America has ever had. Yeah, take that, Emancipation Proclamation in Louisiana purses and these bills they've introduced to make Trump's birthday a holiday and put him on currency and Mount Rushmore. This is not what we do here, guys. He's still in office for. Guys, can we see how it turns out before we put him on a stamp? If I admit that there is a level of Trump derangement syndrome on the left, will you admit that this shit is also deranged? All the people on the right who say they certainly don't agree with me on everything, but they respect the way I keep it real about the left and like me because I'm honest. Well, that's a two way street. Are you being honest? At Trump's speech this month to a joint session of Congress, he claimed the government had spent $8 million making mice transgender. It did not. The 8 million was for transfer transgenic mice, mice that were being genetically modified to study how hormone treatments affect human health. We were splicing their genes, not making them compete in women's sports. We weren't spending 8 million to give mice big balls or fake tits. Sorry, Stuart Little. Wait, here's the thing. Here's the important thing about this. The fact that President Trump got this wrong isn't what bothers me. Transgender mice is crazy, but it's not crazier than a thousand other things that our government has funded over the years, like developing origami condoms or studying why chimps fling their feces. Okay, no. What's worrisome about it is that nobody around the president would dare tell him that transgenic is not transgender. It makes you think that if Trump came down one day and his fly was open, Republicans wouldn't tell him. They'd just start showing up with their fly open. At that same speech, Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett, a Trump appointee, pissed off Steve Bannon because apparently the look on her face was not one of sufficient enrapturement. Bannon showed the video of her to his viewers and said, that's not a look of admiration. Yeah, nothing too North Korean about that. So. So I know my Republican friends, when you hear cult, you roll your eyes. But let me add one thing to it that you might not have heard. You know, a cult is really a cult when the leader asks you to turn on friends and family because they're the only ones who are a threat to deprogram you. It's why Tom Cruise doesn't talk to his own kid. Which brings me to America, suddenly saying to our close, closest friend in the world, you know what? Fuck Canada. For no particular reason. I don't know for sure where Jesse Watters of Fox News stood on invading Canada 12 weeks ago, but I'm guessing it wasn't on his mind at all. But now his message for Canada is, the fact that they don't want us to take them over makes me want to invade. But Canada isn't threatening us, for God's sake. Their flag is a leaf. Even Joe Rogan, a Trump voter, said, why are we upset at Canada? This is stupid. Okay, MAGA people, that's called thinking for yourself. At the end of Trump's first term, there were still some people who would occasionally correct him on little details. Like, you lost that last election. But now we have Lauren Boebert saying we must rally behind President Trump to secure his third term, something Steve Bannon is advocating for as well. And, you know, you just know entire Republican Party will be on this page. Okay? There's no fuzz on this. It's as clear as 1, 2, 3. Presidents get two terms, not more. No matter how wonderful you think they are, it's written in black and white in the Constitution. Guys, you know this is wrong. You know in your heart, this is the moment when Rome stops being a republic. So come on, be like those mice and grow a pair of boys. All right, that's our show. We're off next week and back on April 11th. I want to thank John McWhorter, Ricky Flood, and Governor Gavin Newsome. Drops every Sunday on YouTube or listen wherever you get your podcast. And now watch us on overtime on YouTube. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you.