Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky
Episode: Nicole Byer
Date: September 30, 2025
Host: Monica Lewinsky
Guest: Nicole Byer
Overview
In this heartfelt and hilariously candid episode, Monica Lewinsky sits down with comedian, podcast host, and author Nicole Byer to discuss what it means to reclaim self-acceptance, joy, and health—especially in a world that loves to judge. The episode explores Nicole’s journey with body image, humor as a tool for resilience, the impact of therapy, the realities of grief and family, and the unique pressures of being a Black woman in comedy. Both women open up about personal challenges and vulnerabilities, emphasizing the power in reframing negative self-talk, the critical importance of mental health, and the agency in choosing one’s own narrative.
Key Discussion Points and Insights
1. Finding a Voice in Podcasting and Comedy
- Nicole’s Origin in Podcasting:
- Started "Why Won’t You Date Me?" as a way to expand her audience, encouraged by fellow comedian Jon Gabrus (03:13).
- Enjoys having hard opinions and connecting with audiences on stage and through the podcast.
- Stresses the importance of making guests feel safe and not pressuring them to reveal more than they want (04:06).
- Nicole Byer: “I never try to make anyone feel like they've revealed more than they've wanted to. ... This is not a gotcha conversation” (04:14).
- Maintaining Honest, Safe Spaces:
- Monica and Nicole bond over a shared commitment to ensuring guests never regret their interviews (04:28).
- Multiple Projects: Nicole juggles several shows and projects, including “Nailed It!” on Netflix and multiple podcasts, demonstrating the hustle and flexibility required in entertainment (05:08).
2. Body Image, Humor, and Self-Acceptance
- Body Neutrality vs. Positivity:
- Nicole discusses her book, “Very Fat, Very Brave,” a photo collection and self-acceptance guide.
- Emphasizes body neutrality—acceptance over forced positivity (06:07).
- Nicole Byer: “I don't like body positivity because... I wake up a lot and I go, I don't like what I see. ... Body positivity is telling people to like, always be positive about their body... and it's like, well, if it's not functioning the way it's supposed to, it's okay to be frustrated” (06:15).
- Using Humor Against Shame:
- Nicole describes using humor and tongue-in-cheek captions to defang fat-shaming insults and reclaim joy (07:00).
- Nicole Byer: “Being called a whale is an insult. That's wild. ... Being called a pig is an insult, and it’s like—it’s an animal. Why is that an insult?” (07:36).
- Origins of the Book:
- The idea was inspired by Nicole’s own experience mustering up the courage to wear a bikini in Palm Springs, realizing she had the power to affect others' perceptions—good or bad (08:26).
- Audience Reaction:
- The book resonated with people across body types. Nicole is touched when fans bring her book to shows to be signed (10:25).
- Tips from the book include shopping advice and encouragement for readers to try on bikinis—“buy smaller and stretch it!” (10:26).
3. Personal Growth: Therapy, ADHD, and Self-Talk
- Childhood & ADHD:
- Nicole reflects on growing up loud, with undiagnosed ADHD, often being told she was “too much” (18:16).
- Nicole Byer: “When it's happening to you, you're like, why don’t these adults like me? ... As a kid, I didn't really have self awareness...” (18:29).
- Diagnosis was life-changing, helping her understand herself and be kinder internally (19:27).
- Reframing Self-Bullying:
- Monica and Nicole discuss learning to challenge and reframe negative self-talk, sharing stories about becoming nicer to themselves through therapy (21:00).
- Monica Lewinsky: “I would never talk to someone else the way that... I was so mean to myself...” (21:15).
- Healing from Trauma:
- Conversations on therapy underscore that childhood trauma requires ongoing attention and reframing (22:18).
- Nicole Byer: “You carry these truths with you that aren’t actually truths, and you have to reframe and work on it...” (22:50).
4. Grief, Family Dynamics, and Influences
- The Loss of Parents:
- Nicole lost her mother at 16 and her father at 21. She describes her mother as her best friend and her father as quiet but funny (23:30).
- Discusses how grief shaped her relationship with her sister, learning to collaborate in the aftermath (25:04).
- Family Humor & Encouragement:
- Nicole’s mom encouraged her performing arts interests, leading her to discover stand-up through high school plays, eventually sparking her comedy career (25:58).
- Nicole Byer: “There is something about making people laugh that feels... like being, like, at home. It feels really warm and nice” (27:48).
- Carrying on Her Mother’s Influence:
- Nicole shares a treasured memory:
- Nicole Byer: “What if I want to be a prostitute?”
Her mother: “Then be the best one and make all that money.” (28:13)
- Nicole Byer: “What if I want to be a prostitute?”
- Both parents emphasized self-sufficiency, pride, and hard work.
- Nicole shares a treasured memory:
5. Navigating Success, Identity, and Hustle Culture
- Measuring Success:
- Nicole talks about the balance between satisfaction and the pressure to keep achieving. While she logically knows she’s successful (multiple Emmy nominations and hosting hit shows), she still feels the internal push to “do more” (46:36).
- Identity and Self-Definition:
- Monica and Nicole discuss how success brings more latitude to define oneself, highlighting the specific challenges both as women and as Americans in the hustle culture (37:45; 48:12).
- Work/Life Balance:
- Nicole advocates for setting rules and structures that fit your own needs, not what society dictates (37:37).
6. Mental Health Normalization & Therapy Advocacy
- Value of Therapy:
- Nicole and Monica stress destigmatizing mental health support. Nicole goes weekly, describing the relationship as unique—supportive, yet not friendship (35:56).
- Nicole Byer: “I don’t understand how people raw dog life. ... You got to talk to somebody that’s not in your life” (34:02).
- Changing Therapists is OK:
- Nicole encourages people to try different therapists until they find a fit, noting her own experience switching during the pandemic (35:54).
- Advocating for Systemic Change:
- Both lament the inaccessibility of therapy in the U.S., wish it were as normal and accessible as physical health care, and mention the Danish model of teaching empathy early (39:00).
7. Comedy, Performance, and Audience Connection
- Dealing with Audiences & Hecklers:
- Nicole recounts handling disruptive audiences, emphasizing the unpredictability of live shows. She can enjoy a bad show and thrive in the next, highlighting resilience (44:23).
- Nicole Byer: “Every show kind of resets and each show's different... sometimes you get magical moments where the person's so annoying that you can get a whole audience on your side to hate them” (45:10).
- No Imposter Syndrome:
- Nicole notably does not struggle with imposter syndrome—she views being booked as validation she belongs (41:52).
- The Realities of Being a Black Woman in Comedy:
- Nicole reflects on being the first Black woman to be nominated for an Emmy in certain categories—she’s grateful but recognizes broader systemic issues (48:10).
Memorable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps
-
On vulnerable podcasting:
Nicole Byer [04:14]: “This is not a gotcha conversation. It's not a news interview. I never want someone to come on the show and then regret it.” -
On body neutrality:
Nicole Byer [06:15]: “Body positivity is telling people to like, always be positive about their body... and it's like, well, if it's not functioning the way it's supposed to, it's okay to be frustrated.” -
On handling fat-shaming:
Nicole Byer [07:36]: “Being called a whale is an insult. That's wild. ... Being called a pig is an insult, and it’s like—it’s an animal. Why is that an insult?” -
On self-compassion learned through therapy:
Monica Lewinsky [21:15]: “I would never talk to someone else the way that... I was so mean to myself... and I still do it sometimes.” -
On inherited expectations and embracing comedy:
Nicole Byer [28:13]: “My mother said, then be the best one [at whatever you do] and make all that money.” -
On fear before performing:
Nicole Byer [42:00]: “I have a fear of getting on stage and either not being funny or like, losing my mind... Like, if you go into like a psychosis, is it slow and steady or do you like, walk on stage and you're like, ah, I'm a llama?” -
On the impact of grief:
Nicole Byer [32:20]: “Not like, improv saved my life, but ... after [my dad died] I could just not be Nicole, whose dad just died... for two hours once a week. It was really nice.” -
On why she doesn't feel imposter syndrome:
Nicole Byer [41:52]: “Any room I'm in, somebody else believed I belong there, so why would I... why would I say they're lying?”
Important Segment Timestamps
- Nicole explains podcasting origins and intentions: [02:16–04:14]
- Body image, book discussion & philosophy: [05:29–10:26]
- Reactions from readers & audience: [10:25–11:48]
- Retail work memories & Lane Bryant discussion: [11:48–15:06]
- ADHD and self-compassion: [17:16–21:15]
- Therapy and reframing self-talk: [21:00–22:50]
- Grief, family, and comedy beginnings: [23:21–28:13]
- The role of humor in discussing taboo topics: [29:10–30:00]
- Handling hecklers & live performance fears: [44:07–46:26]
- Defining success and hustle culture: [46:36–48:14]
- Reflections on Emmy nominations and recognition: [48:10–48:55]
- What Nicole is reclaiming now: [49:06–50:29]
Closing: Reclaiming Health
Nicole’s Current Reclamation
At the episode’s end, Monica asks Nicole what she’s reclaiming right now:
Nicole Byer [49:09]:
“I want to reclaim my body. And I was like, no, I don’t need to. I like my body. ... so I'm gonna reclaim my health... I've just been working really hard on figuring out how to not have [diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol] anymore. ... I’m not doing it for aesthetics. ... I liked how I looked fatter. ... but my numbers are better. So I'm like, well, that's what's important. I would like to live for as long as I'm supposed to, and I don't want the things wrong with my body to make my life harder.”
Tone & Style
The conversation is raw, honest, and full of quick-witted banter. Both Monica and Nicole lean into humor as a connective and coping tool but don’t shy away from vulnerability. Their dynamic is marked by respect, curiosity, and a mutual commitment to authenticity—making for an engaging episode full of laughter, empathy, and sharp insights.