ShortHand: King Ferdinand VII – History’s Biggest D**k

Summary

Podcast Summary: RedHanded – ShortHand: King Ferdinand VII – History’s Biggest D**k

Episode Date: March 17, 2026
Hosts: Suruthi Bala (A) & Hannah Maguire (B)

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Episode Overview

In this raucous and irreverent "ShortHand" episode, RedHanded dives into the scandalous, ludicrous, and tragic life of King Ferdinand VII of Spain. With their signature blend of dark humor, sharp commentary, and an eye for the grisly details, Suruthi and Hannah explore Ferdinand's infamous anatomy, disastrous reign, personal failings, and his catastrophic impact on Spanish history. The episode threads together historical record, dubious rumors, court gossip, and the deeply personal—and often traumatic—experiences of Ferdinand's wives, all culminating in the legacy of "history's biggest d**k," both literally and figuratively.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introductions & The Problematic Royal Anatomy

• [01:39]
  • The hosts joke about their lack of Spanish, then pivot to the episode's central subject: the legendary and grotesquely large penis of King Ferdinand VII.
  • Notable quote:
    • B: “A really huge, disfigured, massive, deformed, unbearably large, unimaginable penis. I would like to state for the record that I've been forced to do this against my will.”
    • A: “I chose this. But don’t pretend, Hannah, that you hadn’t watched the same documentary I watched… I was like, fucking hell. I felt sick.”

2. Royal Origins & Dysfunctional Family Dynamics

• [03:26]
  • Ferdinand was the ninth of 14 children; his father, Charles IV, was an inattentive ruler, leaving governance to Manuel Godoy, the queen’s lover.
  • Scandalous court intrigues:
    • The queen’s affair with Godoy, the latter’s meteoric rise, and Ferdinand’s shadowed childhood.

3. Puberty, Inbreeding, and the Monstrous Member

• [05:42]
  • Discussion of Ferdinand’s rare condition: macrogenitosomia (abnormally oversized, misshapen penis), likely owing to generations of inbreeding.
  • Contemporary descriptions likened it to “a billiards cue... as thick as a man's fist at its extremity, and long enough to serve as a walking stick.” [06:17]
  • Societal context:
    • At the time, a small penis was considered desirable and aristocratic (inspired by Greek ideals).
    • Notable quote:
      • A: “That's why all the statues have tiny weenies.”
      • B: “Today, Ferdinand would most likely be raking it in on Onlyfans.”

4. Court Shame & Marital Tragedies

• [08:45]
  • Ferdinand’s paranoia, deep embarrassment, and court gossip led to exiling a young page for accidentally catching him unclothed.
  • Attempting to marry and sire heirs proved traumatic for all parties.

Marriage to Maria Antonia of Naples (his first cousin)

• [09:41–12:08]
  • The teenage bride was horrified by Ferdinand on their wedding night, reportedly screaming “monster.”
  • Ferdinand, clueless and overwhelmed, “frondled her breasts for a bit and then embroidered shoes instead.”
  • Notable quote:
    • B: “After the wedding, obviously comes the wedding night. And things only went downhill from there...she screamed 'monster.'"
  • The marriage was only consummated after nearly a year, following awkward interventions by family and clergy.
  • Maria Antonia suffered miscarriages, likely due to internal injuries, and died young of tuberculosis.

5. Rumors, Dark Habits, and Court Vampirism

• [13:11]
  • Unsubstantiated yet persistent rumors:
    • Ferdinand allegedly frequented brothels, challenged friends to penis-size contests, and collected grisly “trophies” from his sexual conquests.
  • The hosts debate the veracity of these dark tales, questioning the contrast with earlier depictions of shame.

6. Political Shenanigans & The Escarole Conspiracy

• [15:05–20:04]
  • Ferdinand’s disastrous attempts to oust his father—prompted by resentment, rivalry with Godoy, and manipulation by advisers—made him a pawn for Spanish liberals.
  • Notable quote:
    • B: “By backstabbing Charles, Ferdinand suddenly found himself with a whole new fan club. The Liberals began calling him El Deseado, the desired one...As historian Richard Mayer Forsting puts it, the myth of the innocent prince fighting the corrupt evil and court favourite was born.”
  • Ultimately, Ferdinand betrayed the liberals when restored to the throne, reversed constitutional reforms, and ruled as a repressive despot.

7. Napoleon, Betrayal, and Prisoner Life

• [18:51–20:55]
  • Ferdinand briefly seizes power, only for Napoleon to install his brother instead.
  • Ferdinand lives in luxury as a political “prisoner” in France while Spain erupts in revolt; meanwhile, he curries favor with Napoleon.

8. Restoration, Repressions, and Ruin

• [20:55–22:40]
  • Back in power after Napoleon’s defeat, Ferdinand immediately abolishes liberal reforms and begins a period of brutal repression (“the ominous decade”).
  • Suppression of universities, the press, and political opponents were rampant.
  • Spain's empire collapses under his watch; by 1833, most overseas colonies are lost.

9. Marriage Misery: The Parade of Tragic Wives

• [23:46]
  • Ferdinand’s desperate quest for an heir brings a ghastly parade of teenage wives, most of whom suffer horrific fates.
  • Maria Isabella de Braganza: Married at 19; fatally botched C-section after complications; both she and her baby die.
  • Maria Josephina Amalia of Saxony: 16, traumatized by Ferdinand’s appearance; initially refuses sex until personally persuaded by Pope Pius VII via letter. The marriage is childless.
  • Notable quotes:
    • B: “When Ferdinand entered her bedchamber naked on their wedding night, she grew hysterical, quite understandably, and tried to run away...she shat herself, which at least put her lustful husband off her for the night.” [25:49]
    • A: “Being like, okay, I'm having sex problems. 0800 the Vatican, like, it doesn't seem like the most natural progression when it comes to sex advice.” [26:33]

10. Final Wife & Marital Engineering

• [27:57–29:36]
  • Maria Cristina of Bourbon-Two Sicilies is chosen as wife #4, and a “marital aid device”—a silk pillow with a hole—is invented to prevent further physical harm to wife and aid conception.
  • She successfully gives birth to two daughters—a feat previous wives could not achieve.

11. Succession Crisis & Carlist Wars

• [29:09–31:00]
  • His lack of a male heir leads to the pragmatic sanction allowing his daughter Isabella II to inherit the throne, igniting the decades-long Carlist Wars against traditionalist factions.
  • Isabella II’s troubled reign mirrors her father’s scandal and political turmoil.

12. Legacy of Failure and Infamy

• [30:36–31:41]
  • Ferdinand is pilloried by historians as Spain’s worst king, both for personal vices and for squandering an empire.
  • Historians’ verdicts:
    • Stanley G. Paine: “The basest king in Spanish history. Cowardly, selfish, grasping, suspicious and vengeful.”
    • Emilio Lapara: “The worst of the monarchs of the Habsburgs and Bourbon dynasties...and there’s some pretty stiff competition.”
  • The hosts close with characteristic gallows humor about surviving the tale.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• [01:39] B: “Bienvenido a corto mano where we're talking about Spain and penises. A really huge, disfigured...unimaginable penis. I would like to state for the record that I've been forced to do this against my will.”
• [06:17] B (quoting historical accounts): “The prince's member resembles nothing so much as a billiards queue. As thin as a stick of sealing wax at its base and as thick as a man's fist at its extremity, and long enough to serve as a walking stick.”
• [07:51] B: “That's why all the statues have tiny weenies.”
• [09:41] B: “The new queen was utterly horrified by the sight of her husband with his kit off and allegedly screamed monster. As if she'd seen the devil.”
• [25:49] B: “When Ferdinand entered her bedchamber naked on their wedding night, she grew hysterical, quite understandably, and tried to run away...she shat herself...”
• [28:32] A: “Palace artisans crafted what they discreetly called a marital aid device. It was a silk pillow with a hole in the middle, which would support Ferdinand's behemoth genitals and allow just the business end to do its job without causing the queen the internal injuries suspected to have plagued his other wives.”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:39] — Introduction of King Ferdinand VII and the main theme
• [03:26] — Family background and the shadow of Manuel Godoy
• [05:42] — Onset of pubertal/adult anomalies and historical descriptions
• [08:45] — Court gossip and shame surrounding Ferdinand’s anatomy
• [09:41–12:08] — Tragic marriage with Maria Antonia of Naples
• [13:11] — Sex rumors and his dark reputation
• [15:05–17:11] — The Escarole Conspiracy and political duplicity
• [18:51] — Napoleon’s intervention and Ferdinand’s brief rule
• [20:55] — Post-Napoleon: Restoration and betrayal of liberals
• [23:46–25:16] — Multiple marriages, botched C-section, and the devastating deaths
• [25:48–27:47] — Maria Josephina Amalia’s infamous wedding night and papal involvement
• [27:57–29:09] — Ingenious but tragic “marital aid device” and successful birth of daughters
• [29:36] — Succession crisis, Carlist Wars, and Isabella II’s inheritance
• [30:36–31:41] — The damning historical legacy

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Tone & Style

• Language: Blunt, irreverent, gallows humor, packed with frank (and often explicit) biological and historical detail.
• Tone: Grimly hilarious; the hosts balance tragedy and farce with barbed wit, never shying from the absurd brutality of the historical narrative.

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Conclusion

RedHanded’s "ShortHand" on King Ferdinand VII is as outrageous as its subject, blending dark humor with sharp historical analysis. The episode highlights how one man’s personal monstrosity dovetailed with his catastrophic political failures—making him, as the hosts and historians agree, “an enormous knob in all senses of the word.”

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Hola. Que tal? Viienvenos a. Can't remember the word for short. Short. Mano. Pequeno. Mano.

[A]

Oh, perfect.

[B]

I don't think this. Never mind.

[A]

Shut up. Never mind.

[B]

Altas tool. I know that one. I, unsurprisingly, have never actually had to use the Spanish word for short.

[A]

Let's look it up. Ah. Corta.

[B]

Corto. Corto mano. Bienvenido a corto mano where we're talking about Spain and penises. A really huge, disfigured, massive, deformed, unbearably large, unimaginable penis. I would like to state for the record that I've been forced to do this against my will.

[A]

I chose this. I chose this. But don't pretend, Hannah, that you hadn't watched the same documentary I watched.

[B]

You know I am.

[A]

We both watched it and I was like, fucking hell. I felt sick. I couldn't finish it. But now we're doing a shorthand on it. I'm excited.

[B]

So allow us. If you don't already know, I actually hope you don't know. I hope until this moment your life has been free of this knowledge. Allow us to introduce you to Ferdinand vii, Spain's worst ever king. During his disastrous reign, old Ferdi screwed over all of his allies and family members, made enemies across the political spectrum and rewound years of intellectual progress, lost almost all of Spain's foreign colonies abroad, and left the once mighty Spanish empire an international laughingstock. On the verge of a bloody revolution, on his pathetic quest to sire an heir to his royally messed up kingdom, this inbred idiot also traumatised his multiple teenage wives with the aforementioned monstrous and hideously deformed megadong. This is the not so shorthand.

[A]

On 14 October 1784, in the gilded halls of the Escarole palace near Madrid, a brand new royal baby came screaming into the world. His full Spanish name was. Fucking hell. Oh my God. Fernando Francisco de Paula Domingo Vincent Ferreira Antonio Jose Joaquim Pascual Diego Juan Nepomundsen Juan Ario Francisco Javier Rafael Miguel Gabriel Callisto Caianto Fausto Luis Raimundo Gregorio Lorenzo Geronimo de Bourbon y Bon Palma. I feel like I just read out a Spanish class register for an all boys school.

[B]

I think we need give a moment to Geronimo de Bourbon. Did you write this? Did you inflict this upon yourself?

[A]

No, I would never have done that.

[B]

Okay, well, take it away. Geronimo de Borman.

[A]

But we'll just call him Ferdinand. He was actually the ninth of his parents, 14 children with twin older brothers, but they both died in childhood, so Ferdinand was next in the queue for the throne. Ferdinand's father, Charles IV of Bourbon, wasn't a particularly hands on dad, or a king for that matter. Charles famously spent more time fishing and hunting than he actually did ruling his vast empire, and instead left most of the heavy lifting to his most trusted advisor, charismatic leader of the royal guards, Manuel Godoy, who incidentally everyone knew was shagging Charles wife, Queen Maria Louisa of Parma on the side. Under the honorary title of Prince of the Peace, Godoy had a meteoric rise to become Spain's unofficial dictator.

[B]

Better than groom of the stool, isn't it?

[A]

It is much better. There's also a lot of people with very unfortunate penis related jobs in this episode, so prepare yourselves. But yes, Godoy, he was a commoner. Pulling all the strings behind the scenes was a big job. Meanwhile, Ferdinand was raised away from royal matters in Godoy's mighty shadow.

[B]

Puberty's awkward for everybody, but it was especially awkward for this young royal. As he grew into a man, it became quite clear that Ferdinand was different. He suffered from an affliction that modern doctors would probably diagnose as macrogenitosomia, and in other words, an abnormally oversized penis.

[A]

And we're not talking like a bit big fun. He's hung like a horse.

[B]

Probably shouldn't wear cycling shorts.

[A]

Yeah, no, no, we're talking a deformity of the highest Order.

[B]

Historians believe that this was a genetic defect caused by the centuries of inbreeding within the royal house of Bourbon. Kind of like the notorious Habsburg jaw, but a bit further south. Prince Ferdinand's member wasn't just big. It was bizarrely shaped. Contemporary accounts, possibly embellished by gossip as the rumors whizzed their way around Spain and the court and beyond, described it like the princess member resembles nothing so much as a billiards queue. As thin as a stick of sealing wax at its base and as thick as a man's fist at its extremity, and long enough to serve as a walking stick. I'm not doing it in Spanish.

[A]

No, let's move on. And while you might assume the prince's package would be a source of pride, perhaps even though it's very oddly shaped thin and then fat. No. Instead, it grew to become his deepest shame. Because back in the early 19th century, size did matter.

[B]

It also must be really heavy.

[A]

Yeah. Like, even just doing the other thing it's meant to do, like to urinate. Everything must just be difficult with this. And let's talk about male beauty standards, because people took their inspiration at the time from the Greeks, and a smaller member was actually considered refined and aristocratic, while those wrangling snakes below their belts were seen as monstrous devils.

[B]

That's why all the statues have tiny weenies.

[A]

Yeah. Today, Ferdinand would most likely be raking it in on Onlyfans. But even then, would he? Because it's not just, oh, I guess

[B]

the more niche it goes, the more money people are willing to part with.

[A]

Oh, God. But would women? Women aren't paid to look at that.

[B]

Have you heard of gay men?

[A]

Okay, I see that bunch.

[B]

I forgot about that. That's gonna blow your mind.

[A]

So, yes, today maybe he'd be, you know, raking it in. But in those days, it was something to be kept. Very much buttoned up. Already a moody and mercurial Prince Ferdinand's paranoia about his manhood didn't exactly help matters. Some reports claim Ferdinand was so deeply embarrassed that after a young page accidentally caught him changing, he exiled the poor boy and his entire family from Madrid.

[B]

God.

[A]

Court gossip and whispers made him feel inadequate, which he already felt, since Godoy was ruling the roost while he practiced his Latin.

[B]

Even so, Ferdinand was still a prince, and princes have to find princesses to marry and have lots of little heirs with. But Ferdinand's unique physiology presented a bit of a bump in the road. As one royal physician wrote, his royal Highness is afflicted with a member of Such extraordinary dimensions and peculiar form that intimate relations may prove challenging.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Still, Ferdinand's advisors were confident that they could find an eligible gal to put to that particular challenge, even if she didn't know it yet. And you would think that people were joking, wouldn't you? You would just think they were objectorating.

[A]

It's just. It just seems too crazy.

[B]

And the advisors did deliver on the goods. The 17 year old princess Maria Antonia of Naples, Ferdinand's first cousin, Natchez, to whom he'd actually been betrothed since childhood. So it wasn't like she was going anywhere. The teens married in a lavish ceremony in 1802. The kingdom rejoicing at their incesty union. But after the wedding, obviously comes the wedding night. And things only went downhill from there. According to royal staffers, the new queen was utterly horrified by the sight of her husband with his kit off and allegedly screamed monster. As if she'd seen the devil.

[A]

Maria.

[B]

Shh, shh. Maria. That's how you build a serial killer. You're really not, you're not helping.

[A]

I'm also like, who didn't prepare this poor girl, like even just visually for what was about to happen?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

It didn't feel like anyone was trying to help her out here.

[B]

No. I think everyone was just very glad it wasn't them.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

But Maria Antonia hadn't seen anything yet. As it turned out, Ferdinand had absolutely no idea what to do with the monster between his legs. When they tried to get down to it, reportedly he just frondled her breasts for a bit and then he sat down to bordaras apitalas, or embroider shoes in English. We thought that was some sort of Spanish euphemism, maybe for having a wank, I don't know. But no, based on what we can find, he actually did just embroider some shoes rather than shag his new wife.

[A]

Oh dear.

[B]

Maybe he thought that if he performed his kingly duties he could relax. But either way, this royal wedding night was an anticlimax in every possible sense.

[A]

Almost a year after the wedding, the marriage was still officially unconsummated. But they had loads of fucking embroidered shoes. Awkwardly, this even drew the attention of Ferdinand's mother in law, Maria Carolina of Austria, the big sister of the one and only Marie Antoinette. She wrote several letters moaning about his various failings, calling him foolish, lying, debased, deceitful, and not even a husband in an animal sense. It got to the point where Ferdinand's confessor had to have A discreet word with him about the birds and the bees and what exactly was required to make royal babies. But I'm like, everybody's acting like he doesn't know what to do. They've seen his fucking penis. I felt like they need some help here, which they get, but it's not very helpful. So if Maria Antonia had felt shortchanged by their wedding night, she'd soon find herself looking back on it fondly. Because once Ferdinand had learned the ropes, he developed quite the appetite for a very different type of needlework. And poor Antonia was about to find out the hard way. Over the next three years, Ferdinand made multiple efforts to impregnate her, each of which was an utterly traumatic experience for the young queen. She actually did fall pregnant twice, in 1804 and 1805, but both ended in miscarriages. Now, whilst not officially confirmed, it's believed that her husband's dangerously large equipment had damaged her internally, making it impossible to carry a child to term. And in 1806, Maria Antonia tragically died of tuberculosis at just 21 years old.

[B]

And here's where we get into slightly murky territory. Some historians claim that around this time, Ferdinand became a bit of a sex pest. The widowed prince allegedly developed a habit of sneaking out of the palace after dark in a cloak, frequenting dodgy brothels in Madrid's less salubrious areas. Flanked by a posse of his mates, Ferdinand would brag of his many sexual conquests and challenge them to a penis size contest, which, unsurprisingly, he always won. That doesn't quite fit, though, does it, with the popular narrative of him being completely mortified by his endowment in court? So I don't know how far I believe that. And also, his balance is going to be way off. How's he going to make it over the palace wall?

[A]

He's got a pole vault.

[B]

I was going to make a pendulum joke. I have to stop. But perhaps away from the shackles of propriety and in Madrid's seedy underworld, maybe, just maybe, he turned his biggest weakness into an ass. And these stories do suggest that Ferdinand's obsession with sex was even darker than we thought. Some sources claim that he liked to collect rags from the bloody sheets of the virgins whose maidenhead he had taken, not always with consent, and keep them as grisly trophies. And if that's true, we're pretty sure that the blood wasn't just coming from those women's virginities. He was literally maiming them by operating that monstrosity without a license. According to these lurid tales. When his final wife discovered the evidence stashed in his chamber after his death, she ordered it to be burned to protect his legacy. It's all a bit bloodthirsty and vampiresque, and it may well just be urban legend, but true or not, there is absolutely no doubt that the future king of Spain was a total arsehole. Epically so.

[A]

And nowhere does that shine through more clearly than in Ferdinand's political endeavours. Or should we say, fuck ups? In 1807, he became embroiled in what was known as the Escarole Conspiracy, a rebellious plot to oust his dad, Charles iv, from the Spanish throne. While Charles and especially his wife, Maria Luisa, were absolutely gaga for Godoy, the dictator who had secretly taken over, lets just say the rest of the nation didn't quite share their devotion, including their son, Ferdinand. As a de facto ruler of Spain, Godoy had drained the country's piggy bank through wars with England that had been rattling on for over a decade. And Ferdinand had his own reasons for wanting Godoy out. He was a spoiled brat who hated his parents, especially his mum, and couldn't stand his wicked stepdad. So when his sly tutor, a guy called Juan Escucis, coaxed him to reach out to the Emperor Napoleon over in France to see how he might get the ball rolling on replacing his old man, Ferdinand jumped at the chance.

[B]

I never understand this, right? Being an olden timey royal, deformed megadick or not is pretty cool. I don't understand why they're always like, no, but I want to do the actual ruling. I want to do the difficult bit. I want to make all of the horrible decisions that affect people's lives. Just be like, I'm just going to swan around the palace.

[A]

Actually, his dad definitely doesn't want to. And I wonder if Ferdinand was right or wrong in thinking this. I'm sure Godoy probably wouldn't have got rid of him because he needed that legitimacy of the, like, actual bloodline of the monarchy to back up his dictatorship. But maybe Ferdinand thought that once my dad pops his clogs, maybe Godoy is going to kill me and then make himself king or something. So he needs to get rid of him.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

There's something there that he obviously sees as worth it. And maybe it's just like the fact that he doesn't like being told what to do by this guy. But he goes all the same to Napoleon. And in doing so, Ferdinand accidentally became the unexpected poster boy for one of Spain's largest political the Liberals.

[B]

To quickly explain, back then, Spain's political landscape was dominated by two groups Liberals, people who wanted more of a democratic system with a weaker monarchy and and traditionalists who, surprise, surprise, wanted the exact opposite. By backstabbing Charles, Ferdinand suddenly found himself with a whole new fan club. The Liberals began calling him El Deseado, the desired one, and cast him as a principled, idealistic alternative to his lazy father and the corrupt Godoy. As historian Richard Mayer forsting puts it, the myth of the innocent prince fighting the corrupt evil and and court favourite was born. Ferdinand didn't actually have to do anything. The pamphlets wrote themselves. As it turned out, the Liberals trust in him would be wildly misplaced. Unsurprisingly, cunning Godoy managed to spin the whole mess in his favour. Once he got wind of the plot, he spilled the beans to Charles, who was understandably pretty miffed to discover that his boy had been scheming behind his back. Charles exposed Ferdinand as a traitor and threatened to make an example of him. So did Ferdinand use this opportunity to take a stand and denounce his feckless father? No. Instead he folded like a lawn chair and made a sniveling beg for forgiveness, promising never to do it again, as well as ratting out his co conspirators who were swiftly exiled or imprisoned. Having got off scot free with just a slap on the wrist, Ferdinand seemed to be back at his mum and dad's heel.

[A]

But unfortunately for everyone involved, a much bigger problem was looming. Napoleon. In early 1808, French troops began occupying Spain's major cities, which Ferdinand reckoned was excellent news. He was convinced his old pal Napoleon had arrived to help him overthrow his father and hand him the crown. So while his parents and Godoy fled to Aranjou in a panic, Ferdinand staged a coup that saw Godoy arrested and a cornered Charles agreeing to step down for him. On 24 March 1808, Ferdinand strutted into Madrid all set to take up his throne. But there was one teeny tiny problem. Napoleon had already promised it to his brother Joseph. Pretty awkward. Ferdinand threw a giant strop and refused to step aside with riots breaking out in his name. But when Napoleon threatened Ferdinand with death, you won't be surprised to hear that this spineless snake immediately caved. He sheepishly renounced the throne and handed it back to his father, who swiftly abdicated to Napoleon, who then crowned Joseph I.

[B]

Ferdinand spent the next six years as a political prisoner in France. But before you start playing the world's tiniest Violin for the world's biggest penis. This was the bougiest exile that you can possibly imagine. He was living up in a grand chateau with staff and allowance and dance lessons. And what's more, he spent the whole time sucking up to Napoleon, regularly saying that he wished the French Emperor would adopt him as his son. Oh, my, this disgusting. Meanwhile, back in Spain, rebels were dying in their thousands in a fight to restore their beloved Rey Desciado, the king that they believed was cruelly being held captive. Ferdinand was far too busy eating grapes and Napoleon's butt to give a fucking shit about what Spain was doing.

[A]

In 1814, Napoleon was finally defeated and Ferdinand was restored to the throne. But Spain wasn't the same place that he'd left behind. During the war, a group of liberal politicians had drafted new legislation, 1812's Constitution of Cadiz, which limited royal power and introduced democratic reforms. And one of the conditions of Ferdinand's return was that he accept him, which he agreed to. But within weeks of being back on the throne, the ungrateful sod tore it up. Ferdinand declared the constitution invalid, restored absolute monarchy, and meted out harsh punishments on the very people who had fought to bring him home. Overnight, El Rey Deseado became El Rey Felon, the Traitor King. Needless to say, it wasn't exactly the smoothest start to Ferdinand's reign. In 1820, an army general named Raphael de Riego led a mutiny that forced Ferdinand to backtrack on the whole constitution thing. Thus followed three years of a liberal government, where Ferdinand still technically sat on the throne, but had nowhere near as much political power. Publicly, he gritted his teeth and played along, while privately he plotted revenge. In 1823, he called in the French military forces to save his bacon and crush the government. Ferdinand was briefly taken captive, but promised amnesty if they'd release him. Obviously, he lied. However, once free, he ordered hundreds of his opponents to be imprisoned, exiled or executed, including de Riego, who was publicly hanged. Absolute monarchy was back, baby, and things were only going to get worse.

[B]

This was the start of what became known as the ominous decade, the last 10 years of Ferdinand's regime. He ruled like a paranoid despot, because he was one, shutting down universities, censoring newspapers, ruthlessly persecuting his opponents and seeing conspiracy everywhere in his court. He sank Spain's finances through unnecessary domestic military campaigns. And impressively, he managed to piss off people on both sides of the political coin. The liberals despised him for betraying them, whilst the traditionalists didn't trust him because he wasn't conservative enough and they much preferred his younger brother, Carlos. During Ferdinand's reign, Spain's once vast empire basically crumbled. By 1833, most of its colonies across Central and South America were independent, leaving behind just a handful of overseas territories like Cuba and the Philippines. So with that, Ferdinand secured his place in history's hall of fame as the guy who inherited one of the biggest empires in the world and lost it.

[A]

But despite the political shitstorm unfolding around him, Ferdinand was more bothered about getting his own ducks in a row at home. He needed an heir to secure his legacy and he needed one fast. So in 1816, he married his 19 year old niece, Maria Isabella de Braganza, who apparently wasn't the best looker and didn't even come with a dowry. She got flak from the Spanish court for being ugly and poor and Portuguese, which is harsh.

[B]

That's what I want my legacy to

[A]

be, ugly, poor and Portuguese. But at least it looked like she'd served her purpose, because poor old Maria Isabella gave birth to a daughter in 1817. Tragically, though, the baby died at just five months old.

[B]

I'm not surprised.

[A]

Maria Isabella got pregnant again shortly after, but fell ill with severe complications at around the seven month mark. Ferdinand's priorities were clear. He ordered the physicians to get the baby out at any cost. The doctor sliced into Maria Isabella's belly in an 1800 style emergency C section with no anesthetic or drugs, thinking that she was unconscious. But then she let out a blood curdling scream. She had been awake the whole time. Maria Isabelle died screaming. Tragically, the baby was already dead, so they'd carved her open for nothing.

[B]

Now in his late 30s, Ferdinand had two dead wives and no heirs to his name. Things were getting desperate. His advisors wasted no time finding him another noble bride, 16 year old Maria Josephina Amalia of Saxony, who he married in 1819. She wasn't a Bourbon, she was just his second cousin, which in this family tree was progress. She was a literal child, though, who'd been raised by nuns and had absolutely no idea what she was about to walk into.

[A]

Fuck.

[B]

And when Ferdinand entered her bedchamber naked on their wedding night, she grew hysterical, quite understandably, and tried to run away. According to gossip later recorded by famous French writer Prosper Maramy, the young queen was so terrified that she shat herself, which at least put her lustful husband off her for the night. Over the following weeks, she refused to let Ferdinand anywhere near her, despite him insisting that they needed to do it to have children. Deeply religious and naive, she Insisted that everyone knew babies came from storks and accused him of trying to trick.

[A]

Oh, no. Maria.

[B]

At a loose end, Ferdinand actually had to get Pope Pius VII involved. Obviously, like, in this period of history, the pope's a shagging. Like, there is not a celibate pope in this particular time in history. But being like, okay, I'm having sex problems. 0800 the Vatican, like, it doesn't seem like the most natural progression when it comes to sex advice.

[A]

He's like, you gotta talk to her. She is not on board with this.

[B]

And Pope Pius VII did just that. He wrote Maria Josephina a letter convincing her that sex was all right with God. And eventually, she backed down. She had had a letter from the actual pope, and she agreed to try, but only if she could close her eyes and pray all the way through. Desperate for some action, Ferdinand agreed to let her do whatever she wanted. And their marriage actually lasted for a decade. But it did remain totally childless. Historians believe that the size and shape of his deformed genitals made it difficult to do the deed successfully. I think that's putting it mildly. And even though she failed to produce an heir, Ferdinand was apparently devastated when Maria Josephia died from fever in 1829.

[A]

Still, there was no time for tears. Ferdinand wasn't getting any younger, and his brother Carlos and some of his cousins were already starting to jostle about who would be next when he eventually popped his clogs.

[B]

I mean, he's not making friends.

[A]

No, no. So his advisors found him a fourth wife, another niece, and another Maria. Maria Cristina of Bourbon to Cecilis, who he Married in late 1829. Beautiful, intelligent, and a little bit older than his past brides at the age of 23. This Maria was well aware of the challenges at hand to sire an heir for Spain. And the court wasn't going to let the same mistake happen again in the royal bedroom. So this time, they got creative.

[B]

I was really hoping this bit was going to be left out.

[A]

Nah. Palace artisans crafted what they discreetly called a marital aid device. It was a silk pillow with a hole in the middle, which would support Ferdinand's behemoth genitals and allow just the business end to do its job without causing the queen the internal injuries suspected to have plagued his other wives. And it worked. Maria Christina gave birth to a daughter, Maria Isabel, in October 1830. They even had one more for good measure in 1832. Another girl and another Maria named Maria Louisa.

[B]

So Ferdinand finally had his heirs, but they were missing the appendage that had caused him a lifetime of grief. And they couldn't inherit the throne because of those pesky vaginas. Which meant his brother Carlos was already warming up for his big moment. Maria Christina had other ideas. Sharp, ambitious, and not about to hand over power to her brother in law, she convinced Ferdinand to change the law instead.

[A]

Damn right. After everything she's been through to have those two fucking kids.

[B]

How did he not fucking think of that? He spent his whole political career trying to protect the divinity of his monarchy and he hadn't thought once, maybe I'll just do this. I'll just write a thing down on a piece of paper and then it happens because I'm the literal king. Oh my God. In secret, Ferdinand issued the pragmatic sanction that scrapped the old rules for inheritance. And despite Carlos's attempts to reverse it, when Ferdinand died in 1833, it was set in stone. His eldest daughter rose to the throne at just three years old, becoming Isabella ii, Spain's first and only ruling queen.

[A]

Thanks to her old man, Isabella inherited a total clusterfuck from the word go, backed by an army of traditionalists. Her Uncle Carlos challenged her claim in a brutal series of conflicts as known as the Carlist wars, which dragged on for decades.

[B]

She's only three, just become an advisor.

[A]

And Isabella herself didn't exactly become a beloved ruler. Apparently, having inherited her dad's sexual appetite, she was plagued by scandal and eventually ousted in 1868's so called Glorious Revolution. So after all of Ferdinand's desperate efforts to secure the future of the Spanish Bourbons, it all went tits up. Anyway, the dynasty's long reign in Spain was effectively brought to a close, hastened along by what historians unanimously consider to be the worst king the country has ever seen. Historian Stanley G. Paine called him the basest king in Spanish history. Cowardly, selfish, grasping, suspicious and vengeful, While biographer Emilio Lapara declared him to be the worst of the monarchs of the Habsburgs and Bourbon dynasties. And believe us, there's some pretty stiff competition from those guys. So there you have it. An enormous knob in all senses of the word. And I did it. We did it. I made Hannah do it.

[B]

Yeah. I hope you're all as traumatized as I am. Problem shared is a problem halved.

[A]

Quite. We hope you enjoyed it, and we'll see you next time for another shorthand. Bye bye,

[B]

Ra.